Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 15 - You Scratch My Book... - full transcript

Aah, I still say when some
guy grabs your parking space,

you don't just sit there,
you say something.

Dad, when a man

has no front teeth

and stitches on his nose,

I think it's safe to assume
he's sensitive to criticism.

What's this?

Oh, must be one of
those inspirational tapes

that Daphne's
always listening to.

Oh, my God.

Here, have a rainbow,
by Dr. Honey Snow.



Daphne, how can
you listen to this stuff?

It's absolute drivel.

Yeah, well, for someone
who writes drivel,

she's awfully
popular. Oh, really?

Fancy that. She tells everyone

that they're perfectly wonderful

and that nothing
wrong is ever their fault.

What do you know? They like it.

There's a lot
more to it than that.

You should try reading
one of her books.

( doorbell rings)
Yes, well, I have.

Believe me, after one page,

I was yearning for the worldly
cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

Hello, Niles!



To what do we owe this pleasure?

Brace yourselves,
kids. It's raffle time!

Oh, God. MARTIN: Not again.

'Fraid so. Oh, ye gods,

who's been plumbing the
shallows of Dr. Honey Snow?

I have.

Insightful, isn't she?

Anyway, tickets are

only ten dollars.

It all goes to support
Maris's little opera group.

Dear God, what is the
grand prize this year?

Their lead soprano,
Mrs. Fitzgibbons,

will come to your home

and perform "The
Ride of the Valkyries."

We've sold 800 tickets,
so the risk is pretty minimal.

All right.

In return,

let me offer you
a hot stock tip:

VectorComp Software.

Wendell assures
me they can't miss.

Who's Wendell?

My new broker.

Every stock he's put
me onto has paid off.

The man is
positively clairvoyant.

You know, I've got
a bit tucked away.

Maybe I ought to take a little
chance with your Wendell.

I should warn you,
it's not a sure thing.

Oh, nothing in
life is a sure thing.

But Dr. Snow
has a little saying:

"Nothing ventured,
nothing gained."

She'd better copyright that

before some
unscrupulous hack steals it.

I'll go in for 500.

That's a lot for me,

but I don't know;

I have a little feeling
I'm in for a bit of luck.

Well all right, I'd
better get ready.

I'm off to the Book Nook.

Dr. Snow is signing copies

of her new best seller.

Hey, wait a minute!
You're going out?

What about my whirlpool therapy?

Oh, right. I forgot.

Maybe you could go to the
book signing for me, Dr. Crane.

It's right around the
corner from the station.

I would sooner attend a hoedown.

I would gladly go,

but I've got my Compulsive
Spending Seminar,

and I'm hoping to unload
the rest of these raffle tickets.

What's the big deal?

I have my
reputation to think of.

What's the big deal?

All right,

if it will make you all happy
to see me humiliate myself.

I always get a kick out of it.

Oh...

Thanks ever so.

Yes, well...

Oh, look, everyone!

Eddie has found

his inner puppy!

( Eddie barks)

( barking)

( crowd murmuring)

FRASIER: Okay, Roz, I
promise this will just take a minute.

ROZ: I hope so. I've
barely got an hour for lunch.

Oh, God, not another one
of those Honey Snow books.

Don't Change, You're Perfect.

Can you believe
people go for this junk?

It's unbelievable.

Here, get her autograph
for me, will you?

She's sitting right behind
those people over there.

Just go get it signed,

and then we'll get out of here,

go have a nice lunch
at Le Cigare Volant.

Me? Why don't you do it?

I have my
reputation to think of!

Oh, what's the big deal?

All right.

Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it?

I just love what she says

about finding a moment each day

to stop and give
yourself a mental hug.

I'm giving myself one now.

Really?

Well, actually, it's more
of a Heimlich maneuver.

Got it.

Good, good. Let's buy
it and get out of here.

Nope, nope, not so fast.

She wants to meet you.

Roz, I don't want to meet
the woman! Let's just go.

Frasier, do you know what
Honey Snow looks like?

What difference could that make?

The woman stands for
everything that I find totally...

enchanting.

Hello. I'm Dr. Honey Snow.

And I'm...

Wait, don't tell me...
uh, Dr. Frasier Crane!

Well, Dr. Crane, let
me shake your hand.

Oh, what am I saying? Hug.

Why not?

After all, a handshake is
just a hug for fraidy-cats.

No fear here.

I am one of your biggest fans.

And I've recently
become one of yours.

Oh?

I think the advice you give

is so brilliant, yet so simple.

Well, what about those-those
mental hugs of yours?

It can't get much
simpler than that.

You know, I think I'll just go
get started on my appetizer.

Oh, yes, you start without me.

All I really want
is a little nibble.

Oh, tell me.

( bell jingling)

You know, I really should
get back to my signing,

but I'd love to talk more.

There seems to be
such a positive energy

between us.

My publisher's giving
me a dinner tonight

at 7:00 at Bianchi's.

Would you come as my guest?

I'd love to.

Oh, that's great.

Well, it was nice
meeting you, Dr. Snow.

Oh, please, it's Honey.

It certainly is.

( bell jingling)

( horse race playing on TV)

( door opening)

Good evening, Dr. Crane.

Good evening, Daphne, Dad.

Ooh, watching the sport

of kings, I see.

Which horse did you wager on?

Joe's Dream, number eight.

Goodness, he seems
to be taking a serene,

almost Buddhist
approach to the race.

Perhaps you should have invested

in something more reliable

like VectorComp Software.

Our stock.

Did it go up a bit?

No, it went up a lot.

Thanks to a takeover bid,
it gained 40% overnight.

Wendell advised selling.

So, voilà, your original
500, plus 200 profit.

200?!

Oh, Dr. Crane, I could kiss you!

( loud kiss)

Oh, ho-ho!

Well, that's a
nice little dividend.

I'll say.

You have to help me
decide what to do with it.

Well, you might want to
consider letting Wendell reinvest it.

That's what I'm doing.

It's called rolling it over.

Then I'll do it.

Oh, ho-ho! ( smack)

This is so exciting.

What's all this?

Well, your brother
just gave me $200,

and now he's
going to roll me over.

Niles?

Communications breakdown.

Good.

What are you all
dressed up for? Hot date?

As a matter of fact, yes.

With whom?

Dr. Honey Snow.

Did it ever occur to you

that I might not want Niles
to know who I'm dating?

Sure it did. Right
before I said it.

You're dating Dr. Honey Snow?

I thought you considered
her a complete ninny.

What could you
possibly see in this...

whoa-ho, mama!

One hell of a cute shrink, huh?

Not a man alive who wouldn't
let her analyze his dreams.

Analyze them?

She could star in them.

Yes, yes, but what on
Earth do you say to her

when she wants to
discuss her work?

Well, I-I just simply...
skirt the issue.

Of course. "Honey, I
think your books are just...

Oh, look, the waiter's on fire."

( doorbell rings)

You're just jealous.

But not half as jealous
as you're about to be.

I suggest you get a
coaster for your lower lip.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Honey.

FRASIER: Allow me to
make the introductions.

Daphne Moon, Honey Snow;

Honey Snow, Daphne Moon.

She's a big fan of yours.

Ah, oh. Hug! Hug!

Well, we've both got
sort of unusual names:

Daphne Moon, Honey Snow.

Come to think of it, if
you married my father,

your name would be "Honey Moon."

My father, Martin Crane.

Oh, hello.

Well, it's easy to see where
Frasier gets his good looks.

Ah, get out of here!

And last but not least,

my brother Niles.

Oh... Dr. Niles Crane.

I read a wonderful
article you wrote

in the Journal of
Psychiatric Medicine.

Let's see... "Gestalt Therapy,
Probing the Subconscious."

Yes! And I believe I
read your quiz in Cosmo:

"Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?"

Perhaps we should be going.

Well, actually, not yet.

I have something
I want to give you.

Oh?

It's a manuscript of
my upcoming book.

Oh. Another one? So soon?

I hope you like it,
Frasier, because if you do,

I'd love for you to
write the foreword.

Me?

Who better?

Well, uh... actually,
there's so many

other people that
would be more qualified

to write for such
an important work.

Well, if I didn't know better,

I'd think you
didn't want to do it.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's a great honor.

I'll say. The last book had an
introduction by Mickey Rooney.

Wow!

Well, there's no two
ways about it, then.

I'm writing that foreword.

Well, that's great.

Just think, by next fall,

there'll be half a
million copies in print

with your name
right on the cover.

I've got my Christmas
shopping done!

( Niles giggling)

( giggling uncontrollably)

Niles, will you
please stop giggling?

It's very distracting.

I can't help it.
Have you read this?

I'm trying to
recommend the book.

Reading it doesn't help.

Okay, here.

How's this?

"Many great volumes have been
written about human behavior,

"and I can honestly say,
without fear of contradiction,

that this book can stand on
the shelf next to any of them."

No good, is it?

No, no,

but this is.

"You don't have to
be a star to twinkle."

Frasier, I need a hug.

Oh!

Niles, will you please help me?

Honey asked me to write
this foreword two weeks ago.

She's got a deadline.

She's been
wondering where it is.

"Time is a concept known to
only one of God's creatures: man.

Just for today, be a sunflower."

Oh, give me that!

Niles, you just don't
understand what's at stake here.

I've never felt this way
about a woman before.

I'm out of control.

Her effect on
me, it's... it's...

There's no words
to describe it really.

It's more like... a sound.

( growling)

( growling)

Talking about Honey again?

Yes.

Frankly, I find it laughable
that you're even considering

putting your name on
500,000 copies of this piffle.

Not even piffle.

It's piffle-lite.

Ah, lay off your brother.

Some women have a gift for
making guys do stupid things.

When I was on traffic duty,

there was this one
cute little redhead.

She could talk her
way out of any ticket.

She could be doing 90

with a school crossing guard
spread-eagle on her hood!

She'd flash that
pouty little smile,

and no matter what
my partner would say,

I'd just wag my finger at
her and send her on her way.

Yes, it's the old good
cop, horny cop routine.

Oh, good, you're all here.

I want to show off me new coat.

Ooh. Very nice, Daphne.

Yes, I've been spending
like a drunken yuppie.

Oh, I'm afraid I went
a bit over me budget.

Well, if it's cash flow
you're concerned about,

you should know I got a
little call from Wendell today.

What, again? What's that,
four times in two weeks?

Yes, the man's a wizard.

Daphne... your profit.

Wha...

Oh, $400!

Oh, Dr. Crane!

( smack)

And here's one for Wendell.

Did I mention Wendell
has a secretary?

Oh, you!

Well, I'd say this
calls for a celebration.

Tell you what, I'll take you all
out for a nice dinner, my treat.

I'll just go and put on me
new dress and we'll be off. Oh.

I want you to put
on your new shirt

with your brown corduroy slacks.

Hey, if you're paying,

I'm gonna wear elastic
waist pants and no belt.

Well, Niles, that, uh,

broker of yours, he's a marvel!

Yes, he's doing
wonderful things for me.

Yes.

I'd say so.

I've been so impressed
with his winning streak lately

that I asked Daphne
what her latest pick was,

and I invested a
few hundred myself.

Really?

Well, congratulations.

Well, thank you, but

there's just one thing, though,

that's very hard to figure out.

Although I invested in the very
same stock that Daphne did,

mine declined and hers went up.

How do you explain that?

Obviously, one of
us is lying, Frasier.

What are you up to?

Fess up, Niles.

This whole stock thing
was a lie from the get go.

No, no, no, that's not true.

The first stock
really did pay off,

but then the rest all tanked.

And what was I supposed to do?

Tell that poor working-class
Venus I'd lost her lifesavings?

I had to pay her back,

and if I threw
in a little extra,

and where's the harm in that?

Niles, you are giving
a woman money

in order to obtain
physical affection.

We're talking about the
world's oldest profession!

Granted, this is the... sort
of the Walt Disney version,

but still, it's...

it's wrong, and I
insist you stop it.

No, it's altruistic,
it's noble, it's fun,

and you can't make me stop.

DAPHNE: Well,
Dr. Crane, I want you

to take this $400 back and
buy whatever Wendell says.

Consider it done.

FRASIER: You know,
Niles, I've been thinking,

I should get on that
gravy train myself.

Tell Wendell I'm in for 10,000.

Good Lord, $10,000, Dr. Crane?!

Yes, well, just think of
the dinner I'll be able to buy

when Niles brings me my profits!

Well, what the hell!

Put me down for a
couple of hundred.

This guy's some kind of genie!

Yes, he's a real
treasure, isn't he?

I only hope those chest pains
he was complaining about

this morning turn
out to be indigestion.

DAPHNE: So, shall we go, then?

I've decided on Farmer Jack's
Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.

I hear the chicken
there is very good.

MARTIN: Are you coming?

Oh, you two run
along. I'll take my car.

Well, I hope you're happy!

Snap out of it!

What you were doing
was completely dishonest.

Oh, said the pot to the kettle!

What is that supposed to mean?

I think you know what it means.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Our two situations
are totally different.

Oh, really? How so?

Well, for one thing,
you've been misleading

a woman for your
own selfish gain!

And so are you!

Well, I'm not finished.

She was also trusting
you to tell her the truth.

Oh, and the difference would be?

Your woman is English!

Frasier, you've lost this one.

I know. I know.

Just going to
take a little while...

to climb down off of
this particular high horse.

I think you know
what you have to do.

Yes.

I have to tell her I
can't write the foreword.

Oh, Niles...

and I have to say
good-bye to the chance

of ever sleeping with
absolute perfection.

Oh, Niles,

where, oh, where... will I ever
have the chance again to...

to gaze upon
such extraordinarily

proud and... supple breasts?

Not to worry, brother.

That's the manager's special

at Farmer Jack's
Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.

That was a wonderful
dinner, thank you.

Yes, well, thank you
for the fabulous table.

I think hugging the
maitre d' really clinched it.

Would you care for a nightcap?

Sure.

You know, you seemed
a little tense all evening,

but I have just the thing.

It's a sandalwood candle.

The scent is guaranteed
to calm you down.

( inhaling)

( exhaling)

You'd better fire up
about ten of those.

You know, there's
something I'd really

like to talk to you about.

It's about that... that foreword

I've been trying
to write for you.

Can we not talk about
work tonight, Frasier?

I've been chained
to my desk all day

researching an article I'm
doing on sexual intimacy,

and I'm up to here with
The Joy of Sex, Kama Sutra,

Masters and Johnson...

Really?

I feel like I've been
reading recipes all day,

only there are no
groceries in the house.

Well, your bag-boy has arrived.

No, no, no-no-no.

I-I-I really need to
discuss this now.

Oh, you.

You're such a workaholic.

I only hope you're this
tireless about everything.

Oh, I don't think you'll
have any complaints.

No! No, no, no.

I've, got to, I've got to
focus on the subject at hand.

Frasier, tonight, I am
the subject at hand.

No, no, Honey,
I... I can't do it.

Oh, that's all right, I
have a candle for that, too.

No.

No, I-I can't write
the foreword.

Well, why not?

Well, I...

I just didn't think it
was a very good book.

I think the world of you,

and I wish you the
greatest success,

but I didn't think the
book was good enough

to put my name on it.

I guess I'll be going now.

I am so attracted
to you right now.

Most men are so
eager to have sex,

they'll say anything to a woman.

How great to meet a man
who would risk rejection

rather than be dishonest!

Well, I...

have to be true
to my inner voice.

You know, frankly, I thought
the book was weak myself.

I rushed it to meet a deadline.

I'm so glad you respected
me enough to be honest.

I think honesty is the
greatest aphrodisiac of all.

I hope you feel you can
be just as honest with me.

Oh, I do, I do.

Oh...

Mm, tell me everything.

I don't want us
to hide anything.

Oh, I thought your chapter
titles were clumsy and jejune.

Your turn.

You use way too much French
in everyday conversation. You go.

I think that sandalwood stinks!

Oh, when you talk about
wine, I wish I had a gun.

I thought your first three books

were trite and saccharine.

It's your turn, Honey.

Honey?

I am immensely proud
of my first three books.

As well you should be.

You thought they were trite?

Oh, well, I meant
trite in its best sense.

As in the phrase,
"trite and true."

And what about saccharine?

I love saccharine.

Use it every day.

Well, I'm glad you
like saccharine, darling,

because there's no way
you're getting any honey.

Good night, Frasier.

Honey, I...

I'm sorry. I really am. I...

You know, couldn't we...

couldn't we try one of your...
your forgiveness exercises?

Good night, Frasier.

Hug?

You know, a poet once said
something about the world

that I think applies
to our relationship:

"It ends not with a bang,
but with a whimper."

( whimpering)

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!