Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 14 - Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice... - full transcript

Allow me.

You're welcome.

When did everyone
become so boorish?

Honestly, sometimes
I think I'm the only

person left in the world

with any sense of refinement.

Ooh! Ooh! Smell my hands.

Thank you, no.

Ooh, I'm just so proud.

I had to stop for gas
and I pumped it myself!

It's part of a new kick I'm on.



Which is what?

I'm learning to be handy.

I've decided I-I depend
too much on other people,

so I'm doing it myself.

Ooh, ooh, feel that.

Tell me that's not the
start of a first-rate callus.

Frasier,

you left this in your booth.

Oh, dear. Thank you, Roz.

What is it?

Oh, it's a tape Dad
asked me to rent for him.

It's part our new
Wednesday night ritual.

Dad mixes up a pot
of his five-alarm chili,

we all curl up on the couch



and watch an Angie Dickinson
movie, and I wish I were dead.

You should join us.

No, no. I got my first
work shirt this morning,

and tonight, I'm tackling
the squeaky hasp

on my cigar humidor.

Oh, well,

be sure to wear
your hernia belt.

So, Roz,

you gonna join us?

No. I think I'll just
go sit over here.

Roz, are you trying to avoid me?

Well, can you blame me?

I mean, it took you nearly a
year just to learn my name,

and every time we sit together,

you have some kind of
snide remark to make.

Name one.

Well, last seek, you
told me my bedroom

was easier to get into
than a community college.

I was hoping that would
be the one you'd name.

You know, I've
got half a mind to...

No, no, no, no, no!
Just hold on now, Roz.

You and Niles got off on the
wrong foot a long time ago.

Now, I think if you two sat
down and had a real conversation,

you'd hit it off famously.
Now, here, here.

You sit, Roz,

and I will go and
get your coffee.

So, how are you?

Fine. You?

Great.

I'm handy now.

So...

that's a nice jacket.

Thank you.

It's offbeat.

And what is that supposed
to mean, "offbeat"?

Well...

No, wait, I think I know
exactly what it means.

Offbeat as in cheap.

Well, excuse me for not
being rich enough to shop

at the International
House of Tight-Ass

like you and Maris the heiress!

That is what you meant, right?

Yes, but I had no
idea you'd pick up on it!

Then you were insulting me.

Yes, but you got in
some good shots yourself.

I did, didn't I?

I'm so glad we did this!

You know, sometimes

I'm such a good
therapist, I scare myself.

Oh, my goodness.

Where's my briefcase?

Didn't you put it
under your chair?

Well, yes, I did,

but someone must have taken it!

Frasier, look, there it is!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Is that your briefcase?

Yes.

Where did you get it?

Some of the nuns in my
parish bought it for me as a gift.

Ah, your parish? Then that
would make you a priest.

Yes.

Well, then, Father,

perhaps you'd like to explain
why you'd be carrying around

a Bible and some rosary beads!

What exactly are
you looking for?

An Angie Dickinson movie.

I loaned it to the monsignor.

He was supposed to
give it to you to give to me.

Apparently, he forgot. Well,
it's a two-day rental anyway.

It doesn't matter. Off
you go. Thank you.

I'm sorry, Frasier, It
looked exactly like yours.

They both have the
same inferior leather.

I gave him that briefcase!

I know!

FRASIER: Yes, I would
mind holding again! But I've...

I've already held three times.

Look, I'm simply
trying to report

a few stolen credit cards,
but every five seconds...

Damn it!

Don't stare at me, Eddie.

I'm a humane man, but right now

I could kick a kitten
through an electric fan!

Hey, Fras.

Hello. DAPHNE: Hello.

So, Niles called.

Somebody stole
your briefcase, huh?

FRASIER: Yes. All right,
Dad, go ahead, tell me

how stupid I was to get
taken advantage of that way.

Certainly better than listening
to "Jumping Jack Flash"

arranged for piano and flute.

I don't think you were stupid.

These guys are pros.

Just in second and
bam, they're out the door.

Well, that's...
rather refreshing.

I was expecting you
to call me every name

from a naive dupe to...

Boneheaded rube?

But you're not!

No, I'm not. The important
thing is, you learned a lesson.

You got to keep your guard up.

This world would
be a happier place

if everybody would remember
two little words: People stink.

I'm sorry, but that's
just a little cynical for me.

I don't want to go through
life, thinking the worst of people.

I prefer to think of them as
basically good and decent.

Yes, I am here, but, you know,

I'm sorry, I'm in the middle
of a speech right now,

so you'll have to hold.

Truth is, I enjoy

my life that way.

If the price I have to pay is
to replace a few credit cards

from time to time,
well, then, so be it.

This whole thing reminds me
of when I first moved to London.

And I was very mistrusting
of people back then.

I was convinced, the way
to stay out of harm's way

was to walk the streets
with me eyes cast down,

never meeting anyone's glance.

But, finally, I decided
that was no way to live.

So, one day, I just lifted
up me chin and took it all in.

Well, the change was amazing.

There were sights
I'd never seen,

sounds I'd never heard.

A tiny old man came up to
me with a note in his hand.

He needed help.

I realized this was no city
full of thieves and muggers.

There were people
here who needed me.

I took his note, read it,

and to this day, I can remember
just what I said to that man:

"That's not how
you spell 'fellatio.'"

So... so, whose
point did she prove?

I have no idea.

Well, I can't tell you
how much fun it's been

chatting with you all today,
nasty old Gertrude aside, but...

I'd like to close the show
with a personal message.

This goes out to the person
who stole my briefcase yesterday,

and, as it turns out, also stole
my dry cleaning this morning

with the claim ticket
that was inside it.

You need help, and I
am here to provide it.

Oh, also, the
double-breasted navy-blue suit

was meant to be worn

with French cuffs and
medium-heel wing tips.

You may be sick, but
there's no reason why

you shouldn't be stylish.

Until tomorrow, this
is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Man, that was a great show.

It was better than great.

It was brilliant. I can't
remember when you were more...

What do you want?

Okay.

Remember, I told
you my girlfriend

was coming to town, and
I might need Friday off?

No. No, you don't remember,

or no, I can't have Friday off?

Take one of each.
I'm feeling generous.

( phone ringing)

Hello?

MAN: Hi. Is this Dr. Crane?

Yes, it is.

Oh, man, what a thrill!

I can't believe I got through!

Yes, well, actually,
my show is over.

You'll have to call
in again tomorrow.

That's not why I'm calling. I
think I found your briefcase.

Oh, really? Really,
are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Well, there's a way
we can be positive.

Simply turn over the briefcase,
in the upper right-hand corner,

you should find a
half-moon-shaped water mark,

such as would be left
by the careless resting

of a champagne flute.

It's full of your
stuff, Dr. Crane.

Oh. Well, that... that
works as well, yes.

Um, say, listen, is
everything still there?

Well, there's a nice gold pen,
a set of car keys, a date book.

Oh, what about my wallet?

Oh, sorry.

Well, yes, I suppose that
was asking for too much.

Well, how can I get it back?

I could drop it off.

Oh, better yet, why
don't you meet me

at the Cafe Nervosa
on Pike and Third.

I'd be glad to
give you a reward.

Hey, meeting you
is reward enough.

Half an hour okay?

That's perfect. Bye.

Bye.

Well...

Well, that was pretty great.

Yes, but not surprising.

Haven't I always told you
to have faith in people?

Yes, and you were right.

People are basically good.

Yes.

And fair. Indeed.

We do nice things
for people in this world

because there's a little
thing called karma...

There's no way you're
getting Friday off.

Why?!

Allow me.

Do you believe that woman?

That's the second time that's
happened to me this week.

I have half a mind
to say something.

Well, then, why don't you?

Oh, you know.
Something happens to me

when I talk to a
beautiful woman.

The moment they begin staring
into my eyes, my knees turn to jelly.

Still, Niles, we both know
the only way to break people

off their bad habits is
by confronting them.

Well, that's true.

So?

Who's next here?

I am. I'll have a cafe...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, you're not!

You weren't next here, I am!

I suppose people like
you who glide through life

wrapped in a cozy little
cocoon of narcissism

never notice such things.

But you'd do well to
learn this lesson, sister!

There's still such a thing as
good manners in this world,

and that's why I would like to
insist that you let me buy you

your coffee and also please
try the poppy seed muffins.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Kind of brutal, weren't you?

All I remember
was, "I was next,"

and then the sound of blood
thundering through my ears.

There, there, Niles.
Soon you'll be home

with Maris and you'll forget

you were anywhere near
a beautiful woman today.

Please, why don't we
sit here by the window

so we can see him when he comes.

Oh, your good Samaritan?

Yes. You know, I
have to tell you, Niles,

I'm feeling rather good
about this whole thing.

Well, granted, I did lose my
wallet and my favorite suit,

but still, you know, mostly
everything else was intact:

my... my date book, my...

my spare set of car
keys, my fountain pen.

But best of all, what has
remained intact is my sense

that people are
basically trustworthy.

Frasier, the person
who has your car keys

asked you to meet him here,
knowing you'd bring your car?

Now, now, before
you launch into one of

your little paranoid riffs,
my car happens to be...

moving down the street!

Oh, my God!

Stop! Stop that
well-dressed man!

Yeah, Charlie, it's
my son Frasier's car.

So, if you could
put a little extra

manpower on this,
I'd appreciate it.

Yeah, I know.

I know, fell for that old scam.

I told him, you got to keep

your guard up, but you know
Frasier, he always knows better.

Mr. Up-With-People.

Yeah. Remember what
we used to call guys like him

when I was on the force?

( guffawing): Yeah!

Hey, we're still talking
about my son here, Charlie.

Yeah. I'll talk to you.

Hi, Frasier. How's it going?

Terribly.

Guess what happened today.

What?

My car was stolen.

You're kidding.

Yes. Once again, I fell
victim to a master criminal.

How did they do it, hot-wire it?

Boy, you know, those guys
got fingers like concert pianists.

No. He had the key.

Oh, a real pro, huh?

Made a wax impression

and then had a
duplicate key made?

No.

It was the same miscreant
that... that stole my briefcase.

He used the spare
set that was inside.

What? He tailed
you for a few days,

learned your routine so he'd
know where to find the car?

Not exactly.

He called the station
and we agreed to meet.

What for?

Low-fat lattes and biscotti.

( Martin laughs)

( laughing uncontrollably)

Oh, what are you,
the town crier?!

Oh, go ahead and laugh!

You know, it still
doesn't shake my belief

in the basic goodness of people.

Well, sure.

He's probably using your car

to deliver hot
meals to shut-ins.

( both laugh)

Yes, well, I'm glad
that my misfortune

has given you two so much glee.

But Dad, I have two requests.

First, wipe that "father knows
best" smirk off of your face!

I am not a child.

And what's the second request?

Can I borrow your car?

I want to go to the movies.

( door opening)

And last stop on
our tour, my booth,

where all the magic happens.

Hey, Daphne, what
are you doing here?

Oh, Dr. Crane needed a lift in,

so I decided to come
up for a little tour.

Well, don't mind me.

Just go on about your business.

It's not like... I'm listening.

( giggling)

Have we had one visitor yet

who didn't feel the
need to do that?

So, thank you for the
ride down, Daphne,

but we do have a
show to do, so if...

You know, people
are always telling me

I have a natural
talent for this.

Yes, yes, of course. Your, your
soothing voice, your calming manner...

I-I could listen
to you for hours.

Oh, wow, do you really think so?

Oh, yes, absolutely.
All right, now get out.

( phone ringing)

Oh, Roz, could
you get that, please?

Sure. Hello.

Who's calling, please?

Just a second.

It's Denise.

She said she was
out with you last night.

I wasn't out with anyone
named Denise last night.

Ooh, speakerphone. Speakerphone!

Oh, all right.

Hello. This is Frasier Crane.

Hey, tiger. I miss you already.

I... beg your pardon?

Oh, I'm sorry to
call you at work,

but you just snuck
out of here this morning

without giving me your number,
and well, I woke up to see

your BMW pulling
down my driveway.

You did?

Mm-hmm, but I'm not mad.

How can I be after
the best first night

I ever spent with a man?

Denise, could you just
hold on for a moment?

Sure.

Do you realize what this means?!

The guy who stole your
stuff told her he was you!

And it worked!

She slept with him
on the first date!

Nobody ever sleeps
with me on the first date!

Hi. It's me again.

Look, I'm sorry to do
this on short notice,

but I won't be able to meet
you for that drink at Alberto's.

The agency called.

They booked me
for a swimsuit layout.

Oh, there's my cab.

I'll call you tomorrow. Kisses!

( dial tone)

Unbelievable! Yes.

Apparently, he wasn't content
just to steal my possessions.

Now he's after
my identity as well.

I'm calling the police.

No, Roz, no! I will
handle this myself.

I am going down to Alberto's.

You have a show!

Just run something from the
"Best of Dr. Frasier Crane."

This jackal thinks he's
meeting Denise down there.

He's going to meet me instead.

Are you crazy?! He
could be dangerous.

I don't care, Roz!

My God, this man
has gone too far.

He's after my very soul now!

What was it Shakespeare wrote?

"He who steals my
purse steals trash.

But he who steals my
good name steals... "Well...

Oh, I forget the rest, but it
makes me good and mad!

Excuse me. Have
you seen a man in here

wearing an impeccably
tailored Italian suit?

Just you.

Oh, well... thank you.

Georgio Armani.

It's nice to meet you, Georgio.

My name's Heather.

Yes, Frasier Crane.
It's a pleasure.

Do you mind?

Oh.

Wait a minute.

Dr. Frasier Crane,
from the radio?

Yes.

Well, I've heard your
show. You're great.

Oh, thank you.

This is exciting!

Hey, didn't you say on
your show the other day

that someone had impersonated
you at the dry cleaners?

Yes, someone did.

But how do I know that
you're not the impersonator?

Well, good heavens, if you're
looking for identification, I...

Uh-oh.

I thought so.

Yes, but he stole my
wallet the other day.

Who did?

Frasier did... the bad Frasier.

You're pretty sick,
you know that?

No... Maybe you
ought to just get a life.

Heather, this is absurd.

I... Can't you recognize my...

Nice suit.

Oh, my God. It's you!

Oh, no, you don't!
You're mine now!

All right, all right, I give up.

( yelling)

Damn it! How did you find me?

Well, a certain Denise
called the station today.

She had to cancel
your little rendezvous.

Great, and I put
on my best suit.

No, you put on my best suit.

Well, I guess this is it.

Party's over.

I'm so stupid.

You probably want
to call the police, huh?

No. What I would
like to do is throttle you

till your eyes shoot across
the room like champagne corks!

But I won't, because this
is still a civilized world,

but it won't be for long
if lowlifes have your way

because with every
wallet you steal,

you put bars on
someone else's windows!

With every purse you snatch,

you put mace on
another key chain!

Every day, you make our
lives a little less liveable

and I hope that burns
on your conscience!

Well, what do you
have to say for yourself?

You're right.

Oh, oh, oh, I see. I see.

You think by agreeing with
me, I'll let you off the hook.

No. I'm saying you're right.

I'm not trying to
weasel out of this.

I'm guilty and I
deserve what I get.

Look. Here's your keys.

The car's out front with
your briefcase in it. Here.

Go ahead and call the police.

That's your new car phone,
by the way. I upgraded.

Well, I should have known things

were gonna turn
out like this for me.

Oh, yes, here it comes, yes.

The old sob story.

"Daddy didn't love
me. Mother ignored me.

The bully next door
stole my baseball glove."

No, Dad loved me,

Mom spoiled me and I
was the bully next door.

Say, why don't
you let me do that.

It's kind of tricky.

Thank you.

There's only person to blame
for my problems and that's me.

Yeah, hi. The number
for the Seattle PD, please.

I take the easy way
out of everything.

I always have, and
you want to know why?

I'm lazy... lazy, lazy, lazy.

Oh, sweetheart, I don't have
the energy to look for a pencil.

Could you just connect me?

Thanks, hon.

You expect me to believe
that your entire life of crime

can be attributed
to your laziness?

Hey, it's the truth. I don't
like to work, never have.

And believe me, it's a lot easier
to take something than to get a job.

And I'm even a lazy criminal!

A briefcase here, a
set of car keys there,

maybe a little
light shoplifting...

But, uh, a bank robbery?

All that planning and
split-second timing?

Forget it. And that
second-story stuff...

Grappling hooks, glass
cutters... who does that?

Yeah. Thank you.

You're on hold.

Story of my week.

Well, you seem to be
taking this awfully well.

Well, it's like I said, it
was bound to happen.

Or perhaps... perhaps
you wanted to get caught.

Huh?

Yes, well, think about it.

You've been taking
greater and greater risks.

Isn't that the behavior of a
man who wants to get caught?

I'm telling you, Doc... lazy.

Look at your pants,
for God's sake!

You'd think I'd take them in
to be hemmed, right? Staples!

Oh, dear God!

Staples!

Oh! Oh!

Well, I... I still say that...

you really wanted to get caught.

Yes, it's a classic
cri de coeur.

Cri de what?
Well, it's a malaise

that's been identified... no!

Look, it-it just
means that you...

you don't like the
life that you're living.

Well, it's not a great life.

Half the time I don't know

where my next month's
rent is coming from,

and I haven't been
in a solid relationship

in I don't know how long.

Then why don't you change?

Haven't we been over this?

Gimme an "L"! Gimme an "A"!

As a psychiatrist, I
just don't buy that.

You're not lazy.
What you are is afraid.

There are any number of things

you could do in
a legitimate world.

You're just afraid to try
one of them and fail at it.

You really think I can change?

Yes. I believe
everyone can change

because I believe in the
basic goodness of people.

Uh, yes. Hello, yes.

Just a moment, please.

Start now. Take
responsibility for yourself.

For once, don't take
the easy way out.

Hello? Yeah, I'd
like to report a crime.

Here he is. He's the man

who's been impersonating
Frasier Crane.

All right. Let's go.

What are you talking
about? I am Frasier Crane.

Do you have identification?

Well, no, no,
but it's the truth.

Well, tell them.

Thank God you got here
when you did, Officer.

I've detained him
as long as I could.

What?! Move it.

But he's lying!
He's the impostor.

Don't you recognize me?

Oh, oh, for goodness
sake, this is, this is madness!

I can't believe
this is happening!

People of the
world, listen to me!

Trust no one, especially
that lazy bastard!

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Oh, my.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!