Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 8 - Adventures in Paradise: Part 1 - full transcript

Hi. We're back.

Roz tells me we have
Chester on the line.

Hello, Chester.

How can I help you?

MAN: I don't know.
I've had a lot of fights

with my wife lately.

She feels I'm just wasting
my life, standing still...

Spinning your wheels?

Huh? I don't follow.

Chester, I'm afraid
this problem might be

just a little too complex



for the few seconds
we have remaining.

Why don't you try to
call us back tomorrow.

I'll make sure that
you get on first thing.

Gee, it's awful
tough to get through.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Hang tight, and
when I get off the air,

I'll pick up and try
to help you then.

Take your time.

Okay, everybody,
I've got to scoot.

Bulldog's up next after the
news with the Gonzo Sports Show.

Today's topic: What's wrong
with our Seattle Mariners.

If you haven't had the chance
to voice your opinion on that

in the last 18 years,
you'll want to today.

So long, all.



Well, Roz, that was
a pretty good show.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, what are you
reading so intently?

Oh, it's Seattle magazine.

It's their up-and-comers issue:

"The hottest hundred
men and women in town."

Ooh, let me see.

Don't you want to
finish up Chester?

Oh, you heard him; he can wait.

If you're looking for
yourself, you're not in there.

Oh.

And your brother Niles
isn't in there either.

Cool!

Oh, my.

Who is this fresh angel?

Madeline Marshall, number 47.

Ooh, manufactures her
own line of sportswear.

God, she's a stunning
woman. "Single...

patron of the arts,
MBA at Stanford..."

Well, if you have to go to
school on the West Coast...

Oh, oh, oh! And "what she
looks for most in a man."

"Someone who knows how to..."

listen.

Roz, I'm in love.

Well, why don't you call
her up and ask her out?

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, I'm Oh! serious, Frasier.

What have you got to lose?

I could just call
her out of the blue?

She doesn't even know who I am.

You're on the radio. A lot
of people know who you are.

Yes, then why am I
not in this magazine?

Because those are
important people.

Oh. Come on.

I'm going to call her office.

Oh, no! No, Roz, no!

Hey, Doc.

Bulldog.

Just got back from the gym.

Did an hour on the stairmaster.

What do you think?

Like a couple of little
cherry tomatoes, huh?

Thank you, Bulldog.

You've just put me
off salads for a month.

God! What have we got here?

Hello. Is Madeline
Marshall there?

Roz! Dr. Frasier Crane.

BULLDOG: Wa-Wa-Wa-Wait a minute.

This Madeline Marshall?

You know her?

No, no, no. I
found her attractive,

and Roz insisted on calling her.

Wow! Small wonder.

Smart, sophisticated...

and I like a woman who
doesn't wear underwear.

She's wearing a business suit.

It was a general comment.

Hi. Miss Marshall?

Could you please
hold for Dr. Crane?

Thank you.

Oh, all right.

Once more, unto the breach.

Hello. This is
Dr. Frasier Crane.

I know we've never met,

but, you know, from
everything I know about you,

you just seem like the
most fascinating person.

I was just wondering if, well...

Why don't I just
come out and say it?

Would you be so good as to
have dinner with me tonight?

Oh, well... well, that's
very gracious of you

to accept, Chester,
but I didn't mean you.

Roz, you could have told
me she was on line two.

You could have asked. Oh.

Mr. Crane, is the proper term

"serial killer" or
"serial murderer"?

Serial killer. Why?

Oh, just letting me old mum
know what's going on in Seattle.

She worries when she
doesn't hear from me.

Hey, Niles.

How about a nice Havana
to go with that wine?

Thank you.

Aren't Cuban cigars illegal?

Yeah, I got a friend in customs

over at Sea-Tac.

He confiscated them from
some high-school teacher

who claimed he was bringing them
into the country for a civics lesson.

I mean, when are
people gonna to learn?

Rules are only rules when
they apply to everyone.

Oh, I love to see
a man with a cigar.

It reminds me of me grandfather.

Morning to night, he used to sit

with a great big stogie
dangling from his lips.

The hours we kids used
to spend sitting on his lap,

playing with the yellow
whiskers beneath his nose.

Then he'd take out his teeth
with the cigar still in them

and chase us around the room...

and we'd all laugh

( chuckling): and laugh.

Then suddenly, Grandpa's
mood would change,

and we'd all have
to run for our lives.

You can't buy
memories like that.

FRASIER: Damn it!

Eddie, I know you took the socks

that go with this suit.

Now, where are they?

Brown socks with a blue suit?

I think not.

Try again.

Thank you.

NILES: And where are you off to?

Dr. Crane has a
blind date tonight.

Really? With whom?

Madeline Marshall.

She has her own
sportswear concern.

According to Seattle magazine,

she is the 47th hottest
person in Seattle.

That article was a sham.

Not in it, huh?
Can you believe it?

FRASIER: Yes, well...

I'm off.

You know, I have a... a
good feeling about tonight.

I have a song in my heart,

a little dance in my step

and dog saliva around my ankles.

( people murmuring)

( silverware clinking)

FRASIER: Ah, thank you.

This is wonderful.

I've never even
heard of this place.

Oh, well, my goodness,
you're in for a treat.

Degas is the pinnacle
of French country dining.

It's just Etienne Degas,
his wife and daughter,

and they'll treat us
as if we were family.

Well, you know,

I... couldn't help
being flattered

when you told me
that you knew my show.

Can I count you among
my devoted listeners?

Well, actually, my
secretary listens to it,

but I try to catch
as much as I can

when I cross back and
forth through her office.

Bon soir, monsieur, madame,
and welcome to Degas.

Our special tonight is
our fabulous cris-py duck.

Oh, yummy!

And to start off, we'll have

a bottle of the
Chateauneuf du Pape, '89.

Ah, the only one in that
decade to outdo the '88.

That's the one to get.

Ah, Excellent choice.

You know wine.

Well, I try to make it a
point to acquaint myself

with the finer things in life.

Oh, well, then, what would
you like to know about me?

Well, for starters,

why is a man as charming
as you still out there?

Well, actually, I...

I'm recently divorced.

Oh, thank goodness.
For a second there,

I thought you were one of
those strange, single men

still living with his parents.

Yeah, yeah. Your-your-your heart

really has to go out
to those sad sacks.

I'm divorced also.

Oh, well, we-we have
so much in common.

I caught him cheating
with my sister.

Fabulous!

The same thing happened to me.

Boy, my sister gets around.

Ha. Well, it's, it's good

to see that you've still
kept your sense of humor.

Yeah, but it isn't easy

to get over something
like that, is it?

No.

No, it's not.

( sighs)

Those nights when
you ask yourself,

"How could this have happened?

Was I insensitive to her needs?"

"Was I too devoted to my work?"

"Was I simply not
good enough in bed?"

You reach for anything.

ETIENNE: Qu'est-ce
que tu me racontes, alors?!

YVETTE: Non, Papa...

ETIENNE: What are you
telling me, you are pregnant?

MRS. DEGAS: Keep
your voice down.

YVETTE: I told you, Mama, I
told you he would be like this!

ETIENNE: Who is the father?!

I want to know,
who is the father!

YVETTE: I won't tell you!

ETIENNE: Ha, ha, ha!
When I find this man,

I will kill him and snap his
neck like a stale baguette!

Monsieur, madame, your wine.

Yes, that's the one.

Bon, bon, bon. I will
just go and open it.

Ah, this will be a night
to remember, non?

( chuckling): Oh, yes.

ETIENNE: Are you
going to tell me?!

YVETTE: No! No!

You know, there's a clam house

up the road that
has a late seating.

Oh, no, I think we're
getting the most bang

for our entertainment
buck right here.

MRS. DEGAS: Oh, 35 years,
what did I ever see in you?!

ETIENNE: Ah, you don't
think I am sick of you?

You and your cuttlefish bisque!

I spit in your
cuttlefish bisque!

Voilà, monsieur, madame.

It's a delicacy
from our little village

in France... cuttlefish bisque.

What are the odds?

I had cuttlefish for lunch!

ETIENNE: No, no, no, you don't have
to! You can leave my house, Yvette!

No, no, no, go-go
to wherever he is!

Pardon, monsieur.

Are you not the one who
gives advice on the radio?

You listen to my show?

No, but my sous chef does,

and I hear you as I walk back
and forth through the kitchen.

Monsieur, you must help me.

Etienne!

No, no, listen, if-if
everyone comes out here,

how will you know
when our duck is crispy?

Etienne,

this is the doctor
from the radio, eh?

Ah, oui, oui, oui, oui.

Please, monsieur,

you must talk to my husband.

My daughter is with child,

and he does not understand
that these things happen!

Don't talk to me,
talk to this tramp!

Do you believe my
daughter, madame?

You should meet my sister.

As if I wasn't pregnant
when we got married, eh?!

Oh! I wish I had
been killed in the war!

Oy, it's hard to get killed

when you run the other way!

Aah, no, no, no, no, no.

( talking simultaneously)

All right, silence! Silence!

Both of you just
try to calm down.

I'll see what I can do.

Monsieur Degas,

you are angry now.

That is a temporary emotion.

You're devastated,
because you think the bond

between a father and a
daughter has been broken.

She is no longer
your little girl.

But that's not possible.

That bond cannot be broken,

not even by that young man
cowering there in the corner

who's so obviously the father.

Come out!

Come out. It's all right.

We need more water.

You!

You can't even
get water in a glass!

How did you do this?

Monsieur Degas,

please.

Hold your daughter in your arms.

Tell her how you really feel.

Yvette...

Ah, Yvette. Yvette.

Ma petite, I love you.

( all applauding)

Thank you, monsieur! Oh...

Thank you!

Oh!

You are a God!

Aw...

And you, mademoiselle...

are very lucky.

I'm starting to realize that.

Just another evening out with...

Dr. Frasier Crane.

( door opens)

FRASIER: Hi, Roz.

Hey, Frasier.

Again, thank you.

It's okay, Frasier.

You've thanked me every
day for the last two weeks.

Yes, yes, but if it hadn't been
for you, I never would have met...

oh, Madeline, oh.

You know, we went
out again last night.

And it's just
perfect between us.

We-we talk, we can laugh

at the same thing... Just stop.

Did it ever occur to you

that since I'm in one of
the worst dating droughts

in my entire adult life
that to hear you prattling on

like a giggling schoolgirl
about your storybook romance

might be the
teensiest bit irritating?

No, it hadn't,

and you're right, Roz.

I'm, I'm sorry. Sometimes
I can be so insensitive.

But, you know, Madeline's
helping me with that.

She is so good. She is
so good like in every way.

God!

All right, I'm sorry.

It's just, I haven't
felt this way

since... since my divorce.

Everything seems so right.

You know, I haven't
said this out loud,

but here goes.

It's possible that she
could be the woman

I spend the rest
of my life with.

Go. Go do that.

Get married, have a couple of
kids, move out to the country,

buy a puppy, live
happily ever after.

Just don't tell me about it.

I need a boyfriend!

Dear Roz.

Dear silly Roz.

Dear silly, horny Roz.

Oh... oh, look! It's, it's...

That must be Madeline. Yes!

Madeline, hi.

Hi, oh, Madeline, look, Roz!

Roz, Madeline! Madeline,
Roz! Hi, Madeline.

Oh, what a surprise to see you.

Well, I hope you don't
mind me stopping by,

but I have a
meeting with a buyer

across the street
in ten minutes,

and there's something I
wanted to talk to you about.

Oh. Well, here,
please, have a seat.

Well, you know, when
we first started going out,

we both agreed we didn't want
to rush into the physical part,

that we'd save ourselves
for the right moment.

It's now?

No, actually. Uh...

I was wondering

what you thought about us
going away for the weekend.

Just... the two of us.

Well, uh...

I'd miss my favorite
shows, but sure.

I was thinking two, three days.

I was thinking more like a week.

Okay, now for the really
big question: When?

Well, the minute we get there.

No. Actually, I meant,
when do we go?

Oh, oh, yes.

Um... Let's see.

Now, let's see, I am good for...

the week of the 16th.

The 16th. Oh, nope, sweeps week.

Uh... how about the 23rd?

N-No. Trade show.

Uh, 30th?

No.

That puts us into
the next month.

Nope. Nope, nope. The 20th?

Nope.

Well, look, this
was a great idea,

but we're both
obviously too busy.

We'll do it another time.

Yes, I... I got to run.

Okay.

Let's go tomorrow.

You're on.

I know the perfect
place... Bora Bora.

Hubba hubba.

I'll make the arrangements.

I'll meet you at
the airport. Okay.

Okay. Bye.

Bye. Oh, oh, Madeline...

Bye.

Hello. You don't know me,

but I saw your picture
in Seattle magazine...

( playing "I Don't Want
To Walk Without You")

Ah, they don't write
songs like that anymore.

This is really what
men do, isn't it, Dad?

Yeah, this and
some things outdoors,

but we'll just stick
to this for now.

You know, these last few nights

have been very pleasant, Dad...

You and me sitting together,

appreciating these fine cigars.

Who would have thought
a simple Cuban peasant

somewhere in the Sierra Maestra

would bring a father
and son closer together?

Yeah, must make
that dime he gets

for a whole day's work
a lot more satisfying.

I'm going to miss
these little sweethearts.

MARTIN: Ooh,
now, there's a talent.

I'll say.

Just how do you do that?

Oh, it's really very simple.

Let me show you. It's all
in the tongue, that's right.

Just purse your
lips and pucker up

like a little goldfish.

That's it, just like
that. Very good.

You got it.

Niles, what are you doing?

I'm learning how to blow smoke.

Where?

Dad, I thought I asked you

to smoke those things
out on the balcony.

It's cold out there.

Fine, all right.

Maybe an errant
ash will flick off

and ignite your easy chair.

You're in a fine mood.

What's the matter with you?

Madeline and I are going
to Bora Bora tomorrow.

Why do bad things
happen to good people?

When did this come about?

Just about an hour ago.
Madeline came down

to the station. We got caught up

in a moment of passion.

Before I know it, I'm going
halfway around the world

with a woman I hardly even know!

This just isn't like me.

I guess I'm getting
caught up in the romance.

Well, I'm not sure

about the psychological
ramifications of this,

but it seems like
a good thing to me.

Well, to the untrained eye, yes,
but what if we hate each other?

End up being stuck
together for a week?

Oh, that won't happen.

If anything, you'll come back
even more in love than ever.

Even worse!

If it goes perfectly, then

it means we'll start talking
about a serious commitment

and living together
and then marriage and...

If you ask me, Frasier, your
trepidation is well-founded.

It is possible to move a
relationship along too fast

and ultimately
marry too hastily.

You could find a few
years down the line

that the person isn't
really right for you,

and then what happens

if you meet the right person,

someone who really excites you

and makes you feel alive?

But you can't act upon
it because you're trapped

in a stale, albeit
comfortable Maris!

Marriage.

I have to go now.

Hey, let me ask you
one question, Frasier.

Did you feel a spark
when you met this woman?

Like fireworks.

Well, then go for it!

You know, these things
don't happen that often.

It's like when I
met your mother.

It was at a crime scene.

Hester was a psychiatrist.

So, every now and again,

the department would have
her run up a profile of a suspect.

I remember the
first time I met her.

It was over the chalk
outline of a murder victim.

One look at her hair

silhouetted against
that flashing blue light

of the coroner's wagon
and I was a goner.

She drew a little smile
on the head of the outline

and I drew a pair of eyes
and before you knew it,

we were laughing
like a couple of kids.

Dad, you're a ghoul.

I was joking.

We couldn't draw on the outline.

They hadn't moved the body yet.

Yes, well, your corpse-strewn
romance notwithstanding,

I still feel just a
little bit skittish

about this whole thing.

DAPHNE: Well, Dr. Crane,

if you'd like a
feminine point of view,

just shut your bloody
cakehole and go!

I mean, look what happened

when you took a chance
and called this woman.

You've been whistling
a happy tune ever since.

Well, that is true.

Yeah, so make another bold move.

Do something to
make yourself happy.

Yeah, go on.

Yeah, you won't regret it.

Oh, all right, I'll do it!

Attaboy! That's
great. That's terrific.

Okay, but don't think I don't
know that you're mostly excited

just to get me out of
the house for a week.

It will be sweet, won't it?

( waves crashing, birds
singing, insects chirping)

Thank you.

Ah, this is gorgeous.

I'm so glad you suggested it.

It's even more beautiful
than I remember.

You know what the natives say,

they say that Bora Bora

is "the end of the world
and the doorway to heaven."

This... could be the
doorway to heaven for us.

I'm certainly glad that you're
the one that said that first.

I didn't want this to seem like

our trip was just
about sex, but...

who are we kidding?

( both moaning)

( moaning louder)

I'm a little hot in these
clothes, aren't you?

I'm sweating like the pig
that knows he's dinner.

I'll be right back.

Oink.

( sighs contentedly)

( waves crashing)

( birds singing,
insects chirping)

( in sexy voice): Frasier.

Oh, my God.

Frasier?

Oh, my God!

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Merci.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night, everybody!

( song ends)