Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 7 - The Candidate - full transcript

All right, now quiet.

It's getting ready to start.

The following is a paid

political announcement
for Holden Thorpe.

You dragged us over here

to see a commercial
for Holden Thorpe?

Shh!

The man is a fascist.

He's like Himmler
without the whimsy.

Shh!

Now, another American
for Holden Thorpe.



Hi. I'm Marty Crane.

Oh, dear God.

For 30 years, I was a cop
walking a beat in Seattle.

Then my hip was shattered
by an assassin's bullet

an assassin who wouldn't
have been on the street

if it weren't for those bleeding
hearts we sent to Congress.

I used to carry a gun.

Now I carry a cane.

I'm voting to elect
Holden Thorpe.

He's running because I can't.

Well?

Oh, Mr. Crane, I
don't know what to say.

I'm in a state of shock.

Aren't we all.



I mean, you were wonderful.

This calls for a celebration.

What'll you have?

Oh... give me a beer.

Dad, how did this happen?

Well, I took a walk
to the park last week,

and they were having
a rally for Thorpe.

So, I started to talk
to one of his people

and told them I was an
ex-cop, and next thing you know,

they were shoving
a camera in my face.

This is appalling.

Those people are exploiting you.

No, they're not. I like Thorpe.

Oh, how could you support
that odious little hose-head?

I once heard him say,

"Cancer aside, tobacco
is good for the economy."

He's going to put
more cops on the street.

Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt

now that everyone and his
brother's walking around armed.

Makes me glad we don't
have so many guns in England.

You don't need guns,
you got kidney pie.

Hello.

It's Duke.

Oh.

Sherry?

I couldn't possibly,
Niles. I'm too upset.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm
glad you liked it, Duke.

That was fun. Hey, I got a lot
of show biz secrets to tell you.

You know they can
make you cry on cue

by pulling a hair
out of your nose?

Yeah.

What? Really?!

Oh, guys, quick!
Over here, Channel 14!

They're running my other spot.

Duke, this one was my idea.

Remember when Lyndon
Johnson lifted up his shirt

to show his scar?

Hi. I'm Marty Crane.

Crime isn't pretty,

and if you don't
believe me, look at this.

Can I help you, sir?

Ooh, ooh, yes, yes. What
are your specials today?

Kenyan blend.

No, no, no, no, no.

Still poaching
elephants over there.

Got something else?

Dark Roast Brazilian.

Not until they do something

about the loss
of our rain forests.

Salvadoran?

No, I've never forgiven them

for their human
rights violations.

Well, then, we're down to
the Hawaiian Kona blend,

or have they slaughtered
too many macadamia nuts?

That'll be fine, thank you.

Niles.

Frasier, I can't stand it.

I just walked by
an electronics store,

and there in the window
were 22 television sets,

and on every screen was Dad's...

butt.

I saw it.

I don't know which is worse...

Seeing his butt or
what it stands for.

Just can't believe
that our father

is actually endorsing that...

self-serving fear-monger.

I've been giving
this a lot of thought,

and I realized Dad
isn't the problem.

He's just supporting the
candidate of his choice.

The problem lies with us.

Us? We haven't done anything.

Exactly. Oh.

"The only thing necessary
for the triumph of evil

is for good men to do nothing."

Edmund Burke.

I have that
quotation in a frame.

Keep meaning to
put it up in my office,

but I never seem
to get around to it.

Anyway,

Frasier, I think

the time has come for
you and me to get involved.

What are you suggesting?

I propose we throw our support

behind Thorpe's
opponent, Phil Patterson.

Well, of course I intend
to vote for Patterson.

I had something more
ambitious in mind.

I spoke to some people down
at Patterson's headquarters

this morning, and
your name came up.

They'd like you
to film a TV spot

endorsing their candidate.

Niles, listen, I'd...
I'd really love to help,

but surely you must realize
that as a radio psychiatrist,

I... I can't take a chance
of alienating my listeners.

The people that need my help

might be reluctant to call in

if they knew my political views.

Well, I wish you'd
at least think about it.

A candidate like this
doesn't come along that often.

He's hardworking, he volunteers

weekends at a soup kitchen.

He really cares about people.

Finally a politician

who believes in the
things we believe in.

Buy a box of chocolate,
send a kid to camp?

Excuse me. Can't you
see we're talking here?

Your call, Susan.

We'll be right back
after this message.

Crime... it's epidemic.

It strikes fast and
it can strike you.

I'm Holden Thorpe.

You should send me to
Washington because...

Better than having you here.

Piece of work, isn't he?

He makes it sound like
it's either vote for him

or be found
murdered in your bed.

Oh, I wouldn't be
concerned if I were you, Roz.

What are the chances of
finding you there alone?

Hey, sports fan,
how they hanging?

Okay, Bulldog.

I was talking to Roz.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Ten seconds.

THORPE: So vote for me.

My crime program will give
the streets back to the people.

That's good, because
with your tax program,

that's where
they'll be sleeping.

Welcome back, Seattle.

We'll be back for just
one more phone call

after this news break,

and then next up,
Bob "Bulldog" Brisco...

and the Gonzo Sports Show.

I've asked you not to do that.

Way to be impartial, Doc.

You know, I happen to
think Thorpe's a good man.

Who are you voting for?

That pretty boy, Phil Patterson?

Yeah, Patterson's great.

His reapportionment
plan makes a lot of sense.

Forget it, Roz. He's
happily married.

Yeah,

so's Thorpe. Go figure.

His wife's a cow
and he still loves her.

There's a bumper sticker.

Back in a minute.

Hey,

I like that little shot
you took at Thorpe,

although our next caller doesn't
seem to share your opinion.

Oh, does he? Well, put him on.

I welcome
contrasting viewpoints.

Hello, Seattle, we're back.

Roz, who do we have on the line?

On line one, we
have Holden Thorpe.

Go ahead, caller.

Crane, Thorpe.

Let me ask you
something. Are you married?

Divorced.

You ever serve in the military?

Well, actually, I have
congenitally weak ankles.

It's a family problem.

I see, I see.

So, a guy like you, unmarried,
didn't serve his country

sees fit to criticize a
patriotic family man

who fought in the
Battle of Grenada.

I went in on the first
wave, by the way.

On a surfboard, I suppose.

If you ask me, the day
we get the likes of you

off the radio will be the day

America will be a nice,
friendly place to live again.

All right, you've
said your peace.

Now you're going
to listen to mine.

Hang up on me, will you?

All right, even though
you may not be listening,

the people of Seattle are
going to hear what I have to say.

No, they won't. The show
ended five seconds ago.

I had to send it to traffic.

Oh, hello there.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Many of you know
me from my radio show,

but today I'm speaking to
you as a concerned citizen.

As a mental health expert,

I've been listening

to what my good friend
Phil Patterson has to say.

I like the way his mind works.

He's a visionary, and he
cares about the little people.

That's why I'm proud to say

that I'm behind Phil
Patterson for Congress.

Thanks, Frasier.

Together, we can live the dream.

Phil Patterson...
The sane choice.

Okay, guys. Give
us about five minutes

to adjust the lights
and we'll shoot it. Great.

Yes, yes, adjust those lights.

They need to
be... lighter and...

you know, brighter.

Thanks again, Frasier.

Oh... Our pleasure, Phil.

The Crane family
has a long history

of political involvement.

You know, my wife Maris
actually has all our servants

down at your
campaign headquarters

licking envelopes.

Thanks.

She'd do it herself,
but the poor thing

can't produce saliva.

Hello, there.

Oh, Daphne,

I thought you agreed to keep him

out of here for two hours.

Yeah, I walked
him around the park,

but you know how he gets.

He starts whining and whimpering

until you can't
stand it any longer.

Don't let them talk about
you like that, little fella.

She was talking about me.

Hi. Marty Crane.

Phil Patterson.

You look familiar, Mr. Crane,

but I can't quite place you.

Oh, let me give you a hint.

Dad!

Just trying to help the guy.

My father did a commercial
for your opponent.

Yes, it came back to me.

Hello.

Daphne Moon. Hi.

You know, my uncle
was a political writer

for one of those
London tabloids.

I can still remember
his biggest scoop.

The headline read,

"High-ranking politician caught
wearing women's clothing."

Of course, you
turned to page two

and found out it was
Margaret Thatcher,

but by then you'd
already bought the paper.

Well, thank you, Miss Moon.

Say, Phil, it's getting
a little hot in here.

You want to step out
on the balcony with me?

A little fresh air. Great.

Oh, beautiful view.

Thank you.

Yes, you know, I feel
very lucky living here.

I'd like to say I... feel lucky to be
a part of your campaign as well.

Hey, it's me who's lucky.

It's quite a boost
for an underdog

to get an endorsement
from Frasier Crane.

Oh, I don't know if my name
carries that much weight.

Oh, come on, people love you.

I've listened to your show.

To tell the truth, I've...
even thought of calling in.

Really?

What for?

Oh, it's... kind of sensitive.

Listen, Phil, as
a psychiatrist...

anything you tell me

will be kept in the
strictest confidence.

You know, it's funny

how the more you
bottle things up inside,

the bigger they seem to be.

Well, I've never told
anybody this before, but...

Okay, here goes.

Six years ago, I was
abducted by aliens.

Aliens?

They transported me
up to their spaceship

for a kind of conference.

They're very concerned about
what we're doing to our planet.

Hey, you were right.

Now that I've said it out loud,

it doesn't seem
like that big a deal.

No.

They're ready for
you, gentlemen.

Come on in here and
let's elect a congressman.

Frasier?

Frasier?

Roll it. And... action.

Hello.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Many of you know
me from my radio show,

but today I'm speaking to
you as a concerned citizen...

a deeply concerned citizen.

As a mental health expert,

I've been listening
to what my...

good friend Phil
Patterson has to say.

I like the way his mind works.

He's a visionary
and he cares about...

the little people.

That's why I'm proud to say

that I'm behind Phil
Patterson for Congress.

Thanks, Frasier.

Together, we can live the dream.

Phil Patterson...
The sane choice.

Okay, cut.

I... God, I'm burning up!

Frasier, you were a
little nervous on that one.

Why don't you take a couple
of minutes, and we'll try it again.

I got mine on the first take.

Frasier, may I see
you in the kitchen?

What's going on in there?

You look like a zombie.

Oh, God, Niles,

I've got something I'd really
like to get off of my chest.

If I told you, I'd be violating
a doctor-patient confidence.

Oh, I see. Nothing
is more sacrosanct

than our professional ethics.

Fortunately, I know a
trick to get around them.

For the next few minutes,
I'll be your psychiatrist.

Then you can spill
your guts with impunity.

It's borderline,
but I'm desperate.

All right.

Just now, on the balcony...

Phil Patterson told me that he
had been... abducted by aliens.

Apparently, he was
beamed up to the mother ship

for a little
interplanetary chitchat.

This is bad, isn't it?

Niles, I... This is incredible.

It's just awful. We're going
to look like such idiots.

"We"? The whole
thing was your idea.

I knew I should never have
let you get me into politics.

My idea? I just can't believe

you have the gall to
sit there and tell me...

Oh, my God, Niles, stop it!

This isn't getting us anywhere.

Oh, put that away!

All right. What are
we going to do?

Well, I think we
have to convince Phil

to drop out of the race
and seek professional help.

If Phil drops out,
then Thorpe will win.

Forget it, Niles.

Well, then you can
forget education

and the environment
and funding for the arts.

Are you saying I
should still back Phil?

All right, answer me this.

Can you tell me
with any certainty

that in such a vast universe,

there isn't intelligent
life on other planets?

At the moment, I'm not sure

there's intelligent
life in this kitchen.

Okay, all right,
all right, all right.

Let's assume that
it's in his imagination.

How often does he
see these aliens?

Well, it's only
happened the one time...

which might suggest

that it was an isolated
incident brought on by overwork

rather than a pattern
of paranoid delusion.

My diagnosis exactly.

Phil has worked hard. Yes.

He deserves his chance. Yes.

He's still got to seek
professional help.

Yes.

The best there is, but we're not
going to turn our backs on him

three weeks before the election.

No, damn it, we are not.

So will you treat him?

Are you kidding? I'm a
doctor, not a miracle worker.

I think it's time I get
my eyebrows waxed.

I'm starting to get that
Rumanian-peasant look again.

Oh... of course, it doesn't
help that I didn't sleep last night.

Dating a snorer?

You know, Frasier, I'm
getting just a little tired

of your constant insinuation
that I sleep around.

I didn't get any sleep

because of that
idiot, Chopper Dave.

When he gets bored
doing traffic reports,

he likes to buzz people's
apartments in his helicopter.

Oh, I could see how
that would be annoying.

Well, it didn't bother me much,

but the guy I was
with is a Vietnam vet,

and he started
having flashbacks.

Greetings, losers.

Have you heard the great news?

What? One of your overpaid idols

passed his urine test?

Yeah, laugh all you can.

Word's out about
your pal Patterson

and those aliens of his.

Oh, my God.

What aliens?

It's all over TV.

How did they find out?

What, are you kidding? You
can't keep something like this quiet.

Every station in town is serving

his bleeding heart
up on a platter.

Isn't that just like the media?

The day before the election,

they find one flaw in the man

and they try to ruin his career.

I have my own conduit
for the public ear.

I'm not letting Phil go
down without a fight.

What aliens?

Turns out Patterson's got
a couple of illegal aliens

from Guatemala
working in his house.

No green cards, no
documents, no chance.

Hello, Seattle. I'm back.

It's Dr. Frasier Crane,

and I have just learned
during the commercial break

that it has become
public knowledge

that Phil Patterson,
candidate for Congress,

believes in aliens
from outer space.

Not only does he
believe in them,

he believes he
has met with them,

that he was beamed
aboard their spaceship

for an interplanetary
tete-a-tete.

Shocked?

Well, all right.

But I say...

let's ask ourselves
these questions.

Does this harmless delusion

most likely brought
on by overwork

and sleep deprivation,
adversely affected

his voting record in any way?

I ask you, and I say no.

What great leader doesn't
have his little quirks?

Ronald Reagan saw astrologers.

General Patton
believed in reincarnation.

Even J. Edgar Hoover let
his slip show once in a while.

People, we're talking
about a great leader here.

We shouldn't concern ourselves
with these minor eccentricities.

What's important...
What really counts...

Is what's in here.

I'm pointing at my chest now.

The results from the
last precinct are in.

Holden Thorpe has
been elected to Congress,

garnering a whopping
92% of the vote.

Hey!

Well, at least Mr. Patterson
got eight percent.

Yeah, well, they must have
been counting absentee ballots

from the planet Krypton.

Oh, come on now, Dr. Crane.

It wasn't all your fault.

I'm sure having those
Guatemalans in his home

would have cost him
some votes anyway.

Those Guatemalans
were exchange students.

Phil was giving them
free room and board

as a goodwill gesture
between countries.

Well, I'd like to
stay here and gloat,

but I got to get changed

to go to the big celebration
down at Thorpe headquarters.

Hey, you're welcome
to tag along if you'd like.

You're quite a hero down there.

No, thank you.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

When will I learn it
hurts when I do that?

Oh. Phil.

Come on in.

Hi, Frasier. Thank you.

Just came by to return this
good-luck tie you loaned me.

Yes, well, I saw you
wearing it on television

when you made your
concession speech.

Little embarrassing having
to do it before lunch...

but it gave me some
time to run some errands

and pick up my dry cleaning.

Oh, I am so sorry about
the misunderstanding.

Oh, it's okay.

I know you didn't
do it on purpose.

You thought you
were defending me.

The people of Seattle deserves

something better
than Holden Thorpe.

That's politics, and
it's just one election.

I'll be back.

You really think you can?

Oh, maybe I'm a dreamer,

but I like to believe
anything's possible.

Phil...

I-I've got to ask you... uh...

Do you really
believe it happened?

I honestly wish I
could say it didn't, but...

it did.

I guess you'll never believe
it unless it happens to you.

So, what's next for you?

Maybe I'll run in California.

A thing like this could
actually help me there.

Anything's possible.

Oh, very funny, Chopper Dave!

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle. We love you!