Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Botched Language of Cranes - full transcript
Frasier faces a flood of negative feedback from almost all of Seattle when he prescribes a sunnier climate for a depressed listener, Enda (the voice of Oscar-nominee Alfre Woodard of "Cross Creek"). To smooth things over, Roz convinces him to seek redemption as the keynote speaker at the annual benefit for St. Bart's Hospital, where Frasier makes an "unholy" mess talking before the clergy.
Look at this.
My so-called windproof umbrella.
I would have fared
just as well with one
of those little paper ones
they put in Polynesian drinks.
Oh, I got a big
collection of those.
They remind me of
wonderful evenings
that I can't remember.
You know, I've got
some requests here
for some personal appearances.
City College wants
you to lecture.
Fine, just tell me the date.
Okay. St. Bartholomew's
Hospital wants you
to emcee their annual benefit.
Pass.
What, you're turning
down a hospital?
Yes. Don't look at me that way.
Hey, I'm with you.
I hate the way those
whiny, sick people
are always nagging
you for things.
"I want a magazine...
I want a kidney."
Roz, I have as much sympathy
for sick people as you do.
Which is why I said yes
when they asked me
to appear last year.
I bought an Armani tuxedo,
spent a week
working on my speech,
postponed a trip
to go see Frederick.
Then on the morning
of dinner they called me,
told me they didn't need me
because their first choice
had become available...
The irrepressible
Kathie lee Gifford.
God, way to hold a grudge.
This is not about spite.
This is about dignity.
Dignity is a rare
and fragile thing.
Any other requests?
Yeah, the Miss Teenage Seattle
pageant wants you to be a judge.
Oh, I'll do that.
That's real dignified.
A scholarship is involved.
All right. You're
on in ten seconds.
Look, we have new sponsors,
and the sales
department wants you
to work this copy in
as often as you can.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
KACL 780.
Well, it's another
gray, depressing day
here in the Emerald City.
Here's hoping we can
brighten up your afternoon.
We hold it our personal duty
to banish your rainy day blues.
But first, a message
from a new sponsor.
"Death is inevitable.
"But it's especially painful
"when it claims a
beloved family pet.
"If you've lost
"or are planning to lose a
cherished dog, cat or bird
"let Pet Paradise console you
"with a tasteful
Plexiglas memorial
"bearing the likeness
of your departed friend.
"Pet Paradise...
Though your pet may be
small, your loss is great."
Who's our first caller, Roz?
We have Edna on line two.
She's a receptionist at
a pest control company
and she's feeling depressed.
Hello, Edna.
I'm listening.
Hello, Dr. Crane.
I've been working in
pest control for 15 years.
I go in every day,
answer the same calls,
ask the same questions...
What kind of bugs are they?
Have you seen any droppings?
Then I go to the next person...
What kind of bugs are
they? Have you seen...?
Edna, I'm a psychiatrist.
I-I can sense
where this is going.
You know, even the
most interesting of lives
can become routine.
What you need to do
is shake up your world.
Find, um, a new boyfriend,
a new job, a new city even.
You mean move?
Well, certainly there are a
lot easier places to cheer up
then this dreary,
soggy old city of ours.
You know something,
Dr. Crane, you're right.
I don't have to stay here.
When you think about it,
there-there's a whole
world of vermin out there.
Very eloquently put, Edna.
Thank you for your call.
Speaking of vermin.
"When that special rat of yours
"turns its little toes
up for the last time
"don't forget your
friends at Pet Paradise.
"Pet Paradise...
When a shoe box isn't enough."
( rain falling)
( thunder crashing)
Another radiant morning.
What do you think, Dad?
Should I drive to work today
or just hail a passing gondola?
I like the rain.
It chases those squeegee
guys off the street.
Now, stay put
until I can dry off your feet.
There, that ought to do it.
Daphne, get that hat off him.
Isn't it bad enough
we had him neutered?
Look, the way things are going,
I don't think I'm
going to have children.
Just let me dress up the dog.
I've never seen a
dog look that stupid.
You'll change your tune
when you see the outfit
I got him for St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, get a load of this.
Derek Mann mentioned
you in his column.
"I've been listening to
Frasier Crane this week
"because I've been
trying to drop a few pounds
"and find that his voice
makes an effective
appetite suppressant."
How witty.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Give me that.
"Yesterday, I heard him advise
an unhappy young woman
"that she could magically
cure her depression
"simply by leaving Seattle.
"I know it would
cure my depression
"if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane
would take his own advice
and leave town as
soon as possible."
It's just ludicrous.
I never said any such thing.
Oh, yes, you did. I heard you.
You said Seattle was
dreary, and if she wanted
to spruce up her life,
she should leave town.
That was just one of
several suggestions I made.
He took it completely
out of context.
Well, whatever you said,
you're gonna apologize, right?
What for? For insulting Seattle.
People around here take
a lot of pride in this town.
They don't appreciate
some radio know-it-all
telling them that it's
rainy and depressing.
In case you haven't
noticed, Dad,
it does get a little
damp around here.
For God's sake, the
state flower is mildew!
Let me tell you something.
A city's like a woman.
You get one mad at
you, it doesn't matter
if you're completely right
and she's completely wrong,
you apologize anyway,
or you'll be paying for
it for the rest of your life.
I'm not sure I care
for that analogy.
Aw, gee, I'm sorry, Daphne.
I was way out of line.
All right, you're forgiven.
You know, Dad, to you,
everything is like a woman.
A fast car is like a woman.
A romantic song is like a woman.
Good meat loaf is like a woman.
Well, a city is
not like a woman.
It's like a city,
and I am not
apologizing to this one.
Even if you don't
understand that, Seattle does,
and Seattle loves Frasier Crane.
( thunder crashing)
( thunder rolling)
Hello, Father Mike.
Hello, Frasier.
Look, Dr. Crane was
not bashing Seattle.
He was sincerely trying
to help that woman.
Who's our sponsor?
Pet Paradise.
Fine! Go ahead and boycott them.
See how easy it is
to flush your dead German
shepherd down the toilet!
Don't tell me...
Was that a complaint
about this rain business?
Yes, and thanks to you, I've
been on the phone all morning.
Oh, well, forgive
me. From now on,
I'll stick to subjects like
suicide and birth control.
Stay away from the
controversial stuff like weather.
( phone rings)
Hello.
Hey, Doc.
I need some advice.
I feel a cold coming
on and I'm wondering,
should I take vitamin C or
should I just leave Seattle?
Now, I hope you're happy.
According to Betsy,
the switchboard logged
over 50 irate calls.
Fifty? You broke my record.
The most I ever got was 35
when I did that commentary
"Lady Umpires... finally,
a Chest Worth Protecting."
You know, Frasier, you really
should think about apologizing.
You know what, I'd
be the first to apologize
if I said anything
wrong, but I didn't.
I've got half a dozen
calls stacked up in there,
and they all say you did.
Yes, well, just take messages
from all those people.
I don't want to talk to them.
You know, I don't know
how to break this to you,
but it's a call-in show!
( door slams)
WOMAN ( over phone): I don't know
how you can say Seattle's depressing place.
I mean, I've spent the
last 40 years in this city
working the graveyard
shift at a salmon cannery,
and let me tell you something,
you fat-headed moron!
I am probably the most
cheerful person you'll ever meet!
( hangs up)
Certainly the most cheerful
person I've met today.
Alas...
we're out of time.
I'd like to just say,
as I've been saying
for the last three hours,
that it was not my intent
to... cause anyone offense.
But since it seems
obvious that I have,
I would like to say
this: I apologize.
I do not find Seattle
a depressing place to live.
It would take more than clouds
to obscure the beauty
of her landscape
and more than drizzle to dampen
the warmth and good fellowship
that makes Seattle the only
place in this bad old world
that I care to call home.
Till Monday, then,
this is Dr. Frasier
Crane signing off.
Good grief!
Have you ever in your
life heard such a bunch
of whiny, provincial crybabies?!
I swear to God, this
entire city has lost
its tiny, rain-addled mind!
Uh, Dr. Crane,
we're still on the air.
Thank you, Roz.
Now we're off.
I believe this goes here
and that attaches there.
Dr. Crane, are you sure
you don't want me
to try my hand there?
No, no, Daphne,
this is no job for you.
You might crack a
nail or snag a cuticle.
Ah, there! Are we
getting anything?
Does annoyed count?
DAPHNE: Oh, hush. If you hadn't
bashed it with your cane because
your precious Seahawks lost,
we wouldn't need a
new set now, would we?
Isn't there a manual?
Yes, but, unfortunately,
Stephen Hawking's not
here to explain it to us.
( door opens)
MARTIN: Man, I thought
the winds had
eased up out there.
They have.
Then what happened
to your umbrella?
One of my listeners
recognized me on the street.
He pulled it backwards
through a chain-link fence!
You would not believe
the hostility I've encountered,
even at the Cafe
Nervosa, my sanctuary.
I thought they were trying
out a new cappuccino maker.
I turned and saw three
tables hissing at me.
( phone rings)
Don't answer that, Daphne.
I can't abide the sound
of a ringing phone.
It's just got to be another
crank complaining about Frasier.
They've been
calling here all day.
Oh, no, they've got
my home number, oh!
DAPHNE: Yes, boss, just
because the phone rings
doesn't mean we
have to answer it,
even though it could
be Frederick calling
to say he loves you,
or Grammy Moon calling to say
her hip's gone out again.
Still, we can't be slaves
to a little ringing bell.
Just because it's going,
"Ring... ring... ring..."
or, in the case of
a British telephone,
"Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
"Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Ring-ring! Ring-ring!"
"Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Oh, just answer
it, for God's sake!
Thank you.
Crane residence.
Oh, no, I'm afraid he
can't come to the phone.
May I take a message?
Oh, nice language, that!
I hope you don't
eat with that mouth.
Daphne... Daphne, excuse me.
Now, see here,
how dare you speak
to a lady that way!
Yes, well, that's
no excuse, ma'am.
Oh! Only a coward makes
threats over the phone.
I dare you to come here
and say that to my face!
( sardonic chuckle)
Never you mind where I live.
( pounding on door)
Is anyone expecting visitors?
Then I suggest we all
remain very, very quiet.
( barking)
( pounding on door)
I suddenly have this image
of angry villagers wielding
torches and pitchforks.
( pounding)
Frasier, open up! It's Roz.
Oh, dear, it's
worse than I thought.
Roz, what are you doing
out on this ungodly night?
I tried calling, but
your line is busy.
Hey, Roz!
Hey, Martin.
How are you doing? Good.
Is that a new TV? Yeah.
That's great. Did you
get it hooked up yet?
No. I decided I'd let
Niles take a crack at it first.
( howling laughter)
ROZ: God.
Martin, you're awful.
ROZ: Listen, Frasier,
after you left, the station
manager stopped by.
He's taking a lot of
heat from the sponsors,
and he says if you
cannot smooth this over,
he may have to suspend you.
Suspend me? What's he
going to put in my time slot?
He'd have to run
The Best of Crane.
What'll he do on the second day?
How am I ever going
to smooth this over?
The entire city is
out to lynch me.
Tell me about it. This
guy I met at the gym
canceled on me when he
found out I worked for you.
You're even alienating
my boyfriends.
Oh, well, we can't afford
to lose a demographic
as large as that!
Look, what we need here
is a little damage control.
Now, it's still not too late
for you to call the people
at St. Bart's
Hospital and tell them
you'll speak at
their fund-raiser.
After the way they
treated me last year?
It's a big event,
there'll be lots of media;
this is the perfect chance
for you to redeem yourself.
Listen to Roz.
Oh, Dad, just stay out of this.
If you take my advice...
I did take your advice.
I apologized.
Yeah, oh, and so sincerely!
What is the big deal?
You'll make a few jokes, a
few self-deprecating remarks,
you'll be helping sick people,
and showing everyone you
know how to laugh at yourself.
NILES: I think it's a
brilliant suggestion.
My God, Niles, did you
just compliment me?
Indeed, I did.
You're very savvy, Roz.
Remind me of one those
cleverly amoral P.R. flacks,
who sell their services
to industries that pollute.
You really think it's
a good idea, Niles?
Well, worked for Nancy Reagan.
After her first year in the
White House, she was widely
criticized for her
lavish spending.
She responded by
appearing at a satirical dinner
wearing thrift store clothes
and performing
"Secondhand Rose."
And that made
people like her again?
Yes, briefly.
Oh, what the hell.
Tell them I'll emcee.
You know, better yet,
tell them I'll take a whole
table at the banquet.
I already did.
You owe those nuns 800 bucks.
800...
Don't mess with them.
Put myself in such
a precarious position.
I've got to choose
my material carefully.
Oh, I know some good jokes.
No, Niles, you don't.
You know, if it's
jokes you need,
feel free to use some of mine.
( chuckling): Oh... yes.
I'm sure the nuns
would just love that.
While I'm at it, I'll call
Bulldog and ask him
for a couple of limericks
from his Nantucket series.
Then I'll just call Father Mike.
I'm sure he knows a
couple of inoffensive jokes.
( phone rings)
Hello.
Yes, well, you know what,
I don't care how you feel!
I want to use the
phone right now!
Daphne, your
grandmother's hip is out again.
Oh, I was just...
I was... kidding.
( crowd murmuring)
I do hope you'll have some
humorous stories for us,
though, of course,
nothing too racy or risqué.
Oh, no, no, of course
not. I wouldn't dream of it.
Good.
Last year,
Kathie Lee Gifford told
a most unfortunate story
involving newlyweds
and a ski lift.
Hello, all.
Well, Father Mike,
how are you doing?
Thank you for coming
out for such a good cause.
Hey, I support
this cause anytime.
St. Bart's is where I
had my hip surgery.
They treated me good.
I just saw Frasier.
I must say, he
seems a bit nervous.
Well, he ought to be.
There's a lot riding
on this performance tonight.
Well, thank
goodness he's got that
sweet old nun
there to comfort him.
( shudders)
She's not so sweet.
That's Sister Joselia,
the scrubbing nun,
better known as the
Terror of Ward Three.
You still remember her?
You know that nightmare
where I wake up screaming,
"Not the sponge!
Not the sponge!"
That's her!
You know when I was a girl,
I considered being a nun.
FATHER MIKE: Really?
What changed your mind?
I didn't want to work weekends.
MARTIN: Hey.
Where did Maris go?
I believe Mrs.
Crane is over there.
Where?
Oh, bless her busy little heart,
she's cornered Lydia Beaumont,
head of the museum board.
Maris has been angling to
get on that board for years.
Looks like Lydia's getting away.
Oh, yes, the old
"freshen the drink" ploy.
Poor Lydia has no idea
with whom she's dealing.
That's right, Maris,
chug that sherry!
On with the chase!
Yes, and there she goes.
She's gaining, she's gaining.
She's coming around
the ice sculpture.
It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris,
Mrs. Beaumont and Maris,
and yes! They meet again.
I fully expect they'll
be boardmates
before they clear
away the desserts.
Evening, everyone. Hey, son.
Oh, Dr. Crane, We were just
saying how handsome
and confident you looked.
Really? NILES: Absolutely.
Forehead.
You memorize those
jokes I gave you?
Yes, yes. They are the reason
I look so handsome
and confident.
Shouldn't they have
started this thing by now?
Oh, well, we're waiting
for Bishop Kolodgie.
He's supposed to introduce me.
Well, I'm sure he'll
be here any minute.
Break a leg,
Frasier. Now, listen,
I've done a few bowling
banquets in my time.
The thing to remember is,
keep smiling and look like
you're having a good time.
Right. Yeah, and
if a joke bombs,
don't pay any attention to it.
Do what Johnny
Carson used to do.
Just make a joke
about how bad it is.
"Mmmm! Bomb-o!"
( laughing)
Boy, I miss that guy.
ROZ: Your dad's right, Frasier.
Just go up there
and be confident.
Yes, well, I'll, I'll do that
just as soon as I
find a men's room.
Oh, you'll be fine.
You've just got
a few butterflies
in your stomach.
Not for long, I don't.
I'll be right back.
Good evening.
I'm Father Mike Mancuso,
and I've just been asked to
make a very sad announcement.
As you know, every year,
our guest speaker
has been introduced
by Bishop Kolodgie, our chairman
and host of the popular
Sunday morning cable TV
show, Pancakes and Parables.
However, we've
just been informed
that the bishop has
suffered a terrible accident.
It seems that he was
out fishing this afternoon
when his boat was hit
by a storm and capsized.
At the moment,
he remains missing.
However, I will keep you abreast
of any further developments.
Why does everything
happen to Frasier?
FATHER MIKE:
Devastated as we all are,
we know how much this
evening means to the bishop
and how he delights in
entertaining us each year
with his biblical hand shadows.
We also know that he
would be the first to insist
that we proceed without him.
So, I'm going to step in
and introduce
this year's speaker.
Won't you extend a cordial
and gracious welcome
to my friend and
colleague, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane?
FATHER MIKE: Ah!
Thank you, Father Mike.
Thank you very much.
I can't tell you what an honor
it is to be here this evening.
I expected the bishop
to introduce me,
but I'm... I'm sure
he'll drift in eventually.
You know, it's a real
comfort to see so many priests
out there in the audience.
These days, I don't
dare speak in public
without someone standing by
who can perform the last rites.
( Frasier laughs)
Whoa! Very
religious crowd, I see.
I can tell because
of the vow of silence.
Hope you got some holy
water standing by there, Father.
I'm dying here.
( Frasier chuckling)
And speaking of water...
that reminds me
of a little story.
A rabbi, a minister and a priest
are all sitting at the
bar on the Titanic.
( whispering): Dr. Crane!
The bishop!
Oh, well, I heard
the story with a priest,
but what the heck, a bishop's
going to be even funnier, isn't it?
Thank you, Sister.
Okay, then. A rabbi, a
minister, and a bishop
are all sitting at the bar
when the purser rushes in to
give them the horrible news.
Frasier, the bishop
is lost at sea!
Hey, look, are you
telling this story or am I?
But, Frasier...
Come on, lady, I
work alone, all right?
Hey, thank you.
All right, anyway,
so the purser rushes in
to give them the horrible
news about the boat.
So the rabbi gets up and says,
"My God, my
people will need me."
The minister is about to
leave when the priest says...
Oh, no, sorry... the bishop...
says, "Oh, relax.
Have another drink.
I'm sure that the
rabbi can handle it."
And the minister says,
"My God, man, how can
you abandon your flock
when we've just
hit an iceberg?!"
And the bishop
says, "An iceberg?
I thought he said,
'We hit a Weisberg!'"
( laughing)
( tapping on microphone)
Hello?
Is this thing on?
Mmmm! Bomb-o!
( jazz plays)
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
♪ ♪ ♪
Thank you!
( song ends)
My so-called windproof umbrella.
I would have fared
just as well with one
of those little paper ones
they put in Polynesian drinks.
Oh, I got a big
collection of those.
They remind me of
wonderful evenings
that I can't remember.
You know, I've got
some requests here
for some personal appearances.
City College wants
you to lecture.
Fine, just tell me the date.
Okay. St. Bartholomew's
Hospital wants you
to emcee their annual benefit.
Pass.
What, you're turning
down a hospital?
Yes. Don't look at me that way.
Hey, I'm with you.
I hate the way those
whiny, sick people
are always nagging
you for things.
"I want a magazine...
I want a kidney."
Roz, I have as much sympathy
for sick people as you do.
Which is why I said yes
when they asked me
to appear last year.
I bought an Armani tuxedo,
spent a week
working on my speech,
postponed a trip
to go see Frederick.
Then on the morning
of dinner they called me,
told me they didn't need me
because their first choice
had become available...
The irrepressible
Kathie lee Gifford.
God, way to hold a grudge.
This is not about spite.
This is about dignity.
Dignity is a rare
and fragile thing.
Any other requests?
Yeah, the Miss Teenage Seattle
pageant wants you to be a judge.
Oh, I'll do that.
That's real dignified.
A scholarship is involved.
All right. You're
on in ten seconds.
Look, we have new sponsors,
and the sales
department wants you
to work this copy in
as often as you can.
Good afternoon, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
KACL 780.
Well, it's another
gray, depressing day
here in the Emerald City.
Here's hoping we can
brighten up your afternoon.
We hold it our personal duty
to banish your rainy day blues.
But first, a message
from a new sponsor.
"Death is inevitable.
"But it's especially painful
"when it claims a
beloved family pet.
"If you've lost
"or are planning to lose a
cherished dog, cat or bird
"let Pet Paradise console you
"with a tasteful
Plexiglas memorial
"bearing the likeness
of your departed friend.
"Pet Paradise...
Though your pet may be
small, your loss is great."
Who's our first caller, Roz?
We have Edna on line two.
She's a receptionist at
a pest control company
and she's feeling depressed.
Hello, Edna.
I'm listening.
Hello, Dr. Crane.
I've been working in
pest control for 15 years.
I go in every day,
answer the same calls,
ask the same questions...
What kind of bugs are they?
Have you seen any droppings?
Then I go to the next person...
What kind of bugs are
they? Have you seen...?
Edna, I'm a psychiatrist.
I-I can sense
where this is going.
You know, even the
most interesting of lives
can become routine.
What you need to do
is shake up your world.
Find, um, a new boyfriend,
a new job, a new city even.
You mean move?
Well, certainly there are a
lot easier places to cheer up
then this dreary,
soggy old city of ours.
You know something,
Dr. Crane, you're right.
I don't have to stay here.
When you think about it,
there-there's a whole
world of vermin out there.
Very eloquently put, Edna.
Thank you for your call.
Speaking of vermin.
"When that special rat of yours
"turns its little toes
up for the last time
"don't forget your
friends at Pet Paradise.
"Pet Paradise...
When a shoe box isn't enough."
( rain falling)
( thunder crashing)
Another radiant morning.
What do you think, Dad?
Should I drive to work today
or just hail a passing gondola?
I like the rain.
It chases those squeegee
guys off the street.
Now, stay put
until I can dry off your feet.
There, that ought to do it.
Daphne, get that hat off him.
Isn't it bad enough
we had him neutered?
Look, the way things are going,
I don't think I'm
going to have children.
Just let me dress up the dog.
I've never seen a
dog look that stupid.
You'll change your tune
when you see the outfit
I got him for St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, get a load of this.
Derek Mann mentioned
you in his column.
"I've been listening to
Frasier Crane this week
"because I've been
trying to drop a few pounds
"and find that his voice
makes an effective
appetite suppressant."
How witty.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
Give me that.
"Yesterday, I heard him advise
an unhappy young woman
"that she could magically
cure her depression
"simply by leaving Seattle.
"I know it would
cure my depression
"if the Seattle-hating Dr. Crane
would take his own advice
and leave town as
soon as possible."
It's just ludicrous.
I never said any such thing.
Oh, yes, you did. I heard you.
You said Seattle was
dreary, and if she wanted
to spruce up her life,
she should leave town.
That was just one of
several suggestions I made.
He took it completely
out of context.
Well, whatever you said,
you're gonna apologize, right?
What for? For insulting Seattle.
People around here take
a lot of pride in this town.
They don't appreciate
some radio know-it-all
telling them that it's
rainy and depressing.
In case you haven't
noticed, Dad,
it does get a little
damp around here.
For God's sake, the
state flower is mildew!
Let me tell you something.
A city's like a woman.
You get one mad at
you, it doesn't matter
if you're completely right
and she's completely wrong,
you apologize anyway,
or you'll be paying for
it for the rest of your life.
I'm not sure I care
for that analogy.
Aw, gee, I'm sorry, Daphne.
I was way out of line.
All right, you're forgiven.
You know, Dad, to you,
everything is like a woman.
A fast car is like a woman.
A romantic song is like a woman.
Good meat loaf is like a woman.
Well, a city is
not like a woman.
It's like a city,
and I am not
apologizing to this one.
Even if you don't
understand that, Seattle does,
and Seattle loves Frasier Crane.
( thunder crashing)
( thunder rolling)
Hello, Father Mike.
Hello, Frasier.
Look, Dr. Crane was
not bashing Seattle.
He was sincerely trying
to help that woman.
Who's our sponsor?
Pet Paradise.
Fine! Go ahead and boycott them.
See how easy it is
to flush your dead German
shepherd down the toilet!
Don't tell me...
Was that a complaint
about this rain business?
Yes, and thanks to you, I've
been on the phone all morning.
Oh, well, forgive
me. From now on,
I'll stick to subjects like
suicide and birth control.
Stay away from the
controversial stuff like weather.
( phone rings)
Hello.
Hey, Doc.
I need some advice.
I feel a cold coming
on and I'm wondering,
should I take vitamin C or
should I just leave Seattle?
Now, I hope you're happy.
According to Betsy,
the switchboard logged
over 50 irate calls.
Fifty? You broke my record.
The most I ever got was 35
when I did that commentary
"Lady Umpires... finally,
a Chest Worth Protecting."
You know, Frasier, you really
should think about apologizing.
You know what, I'd
be the first to apologize
if I said anything
wrong, but I didn't.
I've got half a dozen
calls stacked up in there,
and they all say you did.
Yes, well, just take messages
from all those people.
I don't want to talk to them.
You know, I don't know
how to break this to you,
but it's a call-in show!
( door slams)
WOMAN ( over phone): I don't know
how you can say Seattle's depressing place.
I mean, I've spent the
last 40 years in this city
working the graveyard
shift at a salmon cannery,
and let me tell you something,
you fat-headed moron!
I am probably the most
cheerful person you'll ever meet!
( hangs up)
Certainly the most cheerful
person I've met today.
Alas...
we're out of time.
I'd like to just say,
as I've been saying
for the last three hours,
that it was not my intent
to... cause anyone offense.
But since it seems
obvious that I have,
I would like to say
this: I apologize.
I do not find Seattle
a depressing place to live.
It would take more than clouds
to obscure the beauty
of her landscape
and more than drizzle to dampen
the warmth and good fellowship
that makes Seattle the only
place in this bad old world
that I care to call home.
Till Monday, then,
this is Dr. Frasier
Crane signing off.
Good grief!
Have you ever in your
life heard such a bunch
of whiny, provincial crybabies?!
I swear to God, this
entire city has lost
its tiny, rain-addled mind!
Uh, Dr. Crane,
we're still on the air.
Thank you, Roz.
Now we're off.
I believe this goes here
and that attaches there.
Dr. Crane, are you sure
you don't want me
to try my hand there?
No, no, Daphne,
this is no job for you.
You might crack a
nail or snag a cuticle.
Ah, there! Are we
getting anything?
Does annoyed count?
DAPHNE: Oh, hush. If you hadn't
bashed it with your cane because
your precious Seahawks lost,
we wouldn't need a
new set now, would we?
Isn't there a manual?
Yes, but, unfortunately,
Stephen Hawking's not
here to explain it to us.
( door opens)
MARTIN: Man, I thought
the winds had
eased up out there.
They have.
Then what happened
to your umbrella?
One of my listeners
recognized me on the street.
He pulled it backwards
through a chain-link fence!
You would not believe
the hostility I've encountered,
even at the Cafe
Nervosa, my sanctuary.
I thought they were trying
out a new cappuccino maker.
I turned and saw three
tables hissing at me.
( phone rings)
Don't answer that, Daphne.
I can't abide the sound
of a ringing phone.
It's just got to be another
crank complaining about Frasier.
They've been
calling here all day.
Oh, no, they've got
my home number, oh!
DAPHNE: Yes, boss, just
because the phone rings
doesn't mean we
have to answer it,
even though it could
be Frederick calling
to say he loves you,
or Grammy Moon calling to say
her hip's gone out again.
Still, we can't be slaves
to a little ringing bell.
Just because it's going,
"Ring... ring... ring..."
or, in the case of
a British telephone,
"Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
"Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Ring-ring! Ring-ring!"
"Ring-ring! Ring-ring!
Oh, just answer
it, for God's sake!
Thank you.
Crane residence.
Oh, no, I'm afraid he
can't come to the phone.
May I take a message?
Oh, nice language, that!
I hope you don't
eat with that mouth.
Daphne... Daphne, excuse me.
Now, see here,
how dare you speak
to a lady that way!
Yes, well, that's
no excuse, ma'am.
Oh! Only a coward makes
threats over the phone.
I dare you to come here
and say that to my face!
( sardonic chuckle)
Never you mind where I live.
( pounding on door)
Is anyone expecting visitors?
Then I suggest we all
remain very, very quiet.
( barking)
( pounding on door)
I suddenly have this image
of angry villagers wielding
torches and pitchforks.
( pounding)
Frasier, open up! It's Roz.
Oh, dear, it's
worse than I thought.
Roz, what are you doing
out on this ungodly night?
I tried calling, but
your line is busy.
Hey, Roz!
Hey, Martin.
How are you doing? Good.
Is that a new TV? Yeah.
That's great. Did you
get it hooked up yet?
No. I decided I'd let
Niles take a crack at it first.
( howling laughter)
ROZ: God.
Martin, you're awful.
ROZ: Listen, Frasier,
after you left, the station
manager stopped by.
He's taking a lot of
heat from the sponsors,
and he says if you
cannot smooth this over,
he may have to suspend you.
Suspend me? What's he
going to put in my time slot?
He'd have to run
The Best of Crane.
What'll he do on the second day?
How am I ever going
to smooth this over?
The entire city is
out to lynch me.
Tell me about it. This
guy I met at the gym
canceled on me when he
found out I worked for you.
You're even alienating
my boyfriends.
Oh, well, we can't afford
to lose a demographic
as large as that!
Look, what we need here
is a little damage control.
Now, it's still not too late
for you to call the people
at St. Bart's
Hospital and tell them
you'll speak at
their fund-raiser.
After the way they
treated me last year?
It's a big event,
there'll be lots of media;
this is the perfect chance
for you to redeem yourself.
Listen to Roz.
Oh, Dad, just stay out of this.
If you take my advice...
I did take your advice.
I apologized.
Yeah, oh, and so sincerely!
What is the big deal?
You'll make a few jokes, a
few self-deprecating remarks,
you'll be helping sick people,
and showing everyone you
know how to laugh at yourself.
NILES: I think it's a
brilliant suggestion.
My God, Niles, did you
just compliment me?
Indeed, I did.
You're very savvy, Roz.
Remind me of one those
cleverly amoral P.R. flacks,
who sell their services
to industries that pollute.
You really think it's
a good idea, Niles?
Well, worked for Nancy Reagan.
After her first year in the
White House, she was widely
criticized for her
lavish spending.
She responded by
appearing at a satirical dinner
wearing thrift store clothes
and performing
"Secondhand Rose."
And that made
people like her again?
Yes, briefly.
Oh, what the hell.
Tell them I'll emcee.
You know, better yet,
tell them I'll take a whole
table at the banquet.
I already did.
You owe those nuns 800 bucks.
800...
Don't mess with them.
Put myself in such
a precarious position.
I've got to choose
my material carefully.
Oh, I know some good jokes.
No, Niles, you don't.
You know, if it's
jokes you need,
feel free to use some of mine.
( chuckling): Oh... yes.
I'm sure the nuns
would just love that.
While I'm at it, I'll call
Bulldog and ask him
for a couple of limericks
from his Nantucket series.
Then I'll just call Father Mike.
I'm sure he knows a
couple of inoffensive jokes.
( phone rings)
Hello.
Yes, well, you know what,
I don't care how you feel!
I want to use the
phone right now!
Daphne, your
grandmother's hip is out again.
Oh, I was just...
I was... kidding.
( crowd murmuring)
I do hope you'll have some
humorous stories for us,
though, of course,
nothing too racy or risqué.
Oh, no, no, of course
not. I wouldn't dream of it.
Good.
Last year,
Kathie Lee Gifford told
a most unfortunate story
involving newlyweds
and a ski lift.
Hello, all.
Well, Father Mike,
how are you doing?
Thank you for coming
out for such a good cause.
Hey, I support
this cause anytime.
St. Bart's is where I
had my hip surgery.
They treated me good.
I just saw Frasier.
I must say, he
seems a bit nervous.
Well, he ought to be.
There's a lot riding
on this performance tonight.
Well, thank
goodness he's got that
sweet old nun
there to comfort him.
( shudders)
She's not so sweet.
That's Sister Joselia,
the scrubbing nun,
better known as the
Terror of Ward Three.
You still remember her?
You know that nightmare
where I wake up screaming,
"Not the sponge!
Not the sponge!"
That's her!
You know when I was a girl,
I considered being a nun.
FATHER MIKE: Really?
What changed your mind?
I didn't want to work weekends.
MARTIN: Hey.
Where did Maris go?
I believe Mrs.
Crane is over there.
Where?
Oh, bless her busy little heart,
she's cornered Lydia Beaumont,
head of the museum board.
Maris has been angling to
get on that board for years.
Looks like Lydia's getting away.
Oh, yes, the old
"freshen the drink" ploy.
Poor Lydia has no idea
with whom she's dealing.
That's right, Maris,
chug that sherry!
On with the chase!
Yes, and there she goes.
She's gaining, she's gaining.
She's coming around
the ice sculpture.
It's Mrs. Beaumont and Maris,
Mrs. Beaumont and Maris,
and yes! They meet again.
I fully expect they'll
be boardmates
before they clear
away the desserts.
Evening, everyone. Hey, son.
Oh, Dr. Crane, We were just
saying how handsome
and confident you looked.
Really? NILES: Absolutely.
Forehead.
You memorize those
jokes I gave you?
Yes, yes. They are the reason
I look so handsome
and confident.
Shouldn't they have
started this thing by now?
Oh, well, we're waiting
for Bishop Kolodgie.
He's supposed to introduce me.
Well, I'm sure he'll
be here any minute.
Break a leg,
Frasier. Now, listen,
I've done a few bowling
banquets in my time.
The thing to remember is,
keep smiling and look like
you're having a good time.
Right. Yeah, and
if a joke bombs,
don't pay any attention to it.
Do what Johnny
Carson used to do.
Just make a joke
about how bad it is.
"Mmmm! Bomb-o!"
( laughing)
Boy, I miss that guy.
ROZ: Your dad's right, Frasier.
Just go up there
and be confident.
Yes, well, I'll, I'll do that
just as soon as I
find a men's room.
Oh, you'll be fine.
You've just got
a few butterflies
in your stomach.
Not for long, I don't.
I'll be right back.
Good evening.
I'm Father Mike Mancuso,
and I've just been asked to
make a very sad announcement.
As you know, every year,
our guest speaker
has been introduced
by Bishop Kolodgie, our chairman
and host of the popular
Sunday morning cable TV
show, Pancakes and Parables.
However, we've
just been informed
that the bishop has
suffered a terrible accident.
It seems that he was
out fishing this afternoon
when his boat was hit
by a storm and capsized.
At the moment,
he remains missing.
However, I will keep you abreast
of any further developments.
Why does everything
happen to Frasier?
FATHER MIKE:
Devastated as we all are,
we know how much this
evening means to the bishop
and how he delights in
entertaining us each year
with his biblical hand shadows.
We also know that he
would be the first to insist
that we proceed without him.
So, I'm going to step in
and introduce
this year's speaker.
Won't you extend a cordial
and gracious welcome
to my friend and
colleague, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane?
FATHER MIKE: Ah!
Thank you, Father Mike.
Thank you very much.
I can't tell you what an honor
it is to be here this evening.
I expected the bishop
to introduce me,
but I'm... I'm sure
he'll drift in eventually.
You know, it's a real
comfort to see so many priests
out there in the audience.
These days, I don't
dare speak in public
without someone standing by
who can perform the last rites.
( Frasier laughs)
Whoa! Very
religious crowd, I see.
I can tell because
of the vow of silence.
Hope you got some holy
water standing by there, Father.
I'm dying here.
( Frasier chuckling)
And speaking of water...
that reminds me
of a little story.
A rabbi, a minister and a priest
are all sitting at the
bar on the Titanic.
( whispering): Dr. Crane!
The bishop!
Oh, well, I heard
the story with a priest,
but what the heck, a bishop's
going to be even funnier, isn't it?
Thank you, Sister.
Okay, then. A rabbi, a
minister, and a bishop
are all sitting at the bar
when the purser rushes in to
give them the horrible news.
Frasier, the bishop
is lost at sea!
Hey, look, are you
telling this story or am I?
But, Frasier...
Come on, lady, I
work alone, all right?
Hey, thank you.
All right, anyway,
so the purser rushes in
to give them the horrible
news about the boat.
So the rabbi gets up and says,
"My God, my
people will need me."
The minister is about to
leave when the priest says...
Oh, no, sorry... the bishop...
says, "Oh, relax.
Have another drink.
I'm sure that the
rabbi can handle it."
And the minister says,
"My God, man, how can
you abandon your flock
when we've just
hit an iceberg?!"
And the bishop
says, "An iceberg?
I thought he said,
'We hit a Weisberg!'"
( laughing)
( tapping on microphone)
Hello?
Is this thing on?
Mmmm! Bomb-o!
( jazz plays)
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
♪ ♪ ♪
Thank you!
( song ends)