Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 5 - Duke's, We Hardly Knew Ye - full transcript

Thank you for
your call, Lorraine.

And now, before we
break for commercial,

Roz has an important message.

Roz?

What's that, Roz?

Can't come to the
mike right now?

Well, what she
wanted to say was...

Tomorrow on Amber
Edwards' "Book Chat..."

sociologist Lamont
Myman discusses his book

Violence in the Workplace:
Why Coworkers Kill.

Something which
becomes more relevant



with each passing moment.

We'll be right back
after these messages.

Cough it up,

you piece of tin!

Roz?

What are you doing out here?

One might ask the
same question of you.

Isn't it customary to
wait until the show comes

to a complete
stop before exiting?

I have a little urge.

Damn it!

What is the matter with you?

I have got to have
some chocolate!

It's kind of a celebration.



At 11:07 this morning,

I finished one of
those magazine diets:

"Seven days to a
healthier, calmer you."

Now, Roz.

Now come on.

Come on. Roz, come on!

Look, I doing this
for your own good.

Wait!

Something came out!

Oh, damn.

Chocolate-covered raisins.

I'd like to meet the idiot

who came up with these.

Take a grape, let it shrivel

into a disgusting little
wart and then cover it

with perfectly good chocolate.

What the hell.

I'll just suck the
chocolate off.

Be sure to save what's left.

Maybe you can make some wine.

I see all those years
of finishing school

really paid off.

Mon frere, Hmm?

We're in luck.

( microphone feedback)

I... Oh!

( feedback stops)

( clears throat)

I've just come back
from my broker.

Meadow Wood Property still has
one share left in that mini-mall deal.

I think we should
go halfsies and buy it.

Give me five, bro.

I'm not giving you anything.

I told you I'm not interested.

You can't afford
not to be interested.

It's a 12% return.

We have a chance to
make a real killing here.

Niles, why is this
so important to you?

Y-You and Maris are
already wallowing in money

like a couple of yuppie hogs.

This has nothing
to do with Maris.

I am making this investment
entirely with my own money.

And mine.

And yours.

Oh, come on, Frasier.

Show some understanding.

Maris uses her money

to emasculate the poor guy,

and this is

his pathetic attempt

to stop feeling like
a financial eunuch

and regain some shred
of his former manhood...

such as it was.

Well?

12 percent. Net.

And if you're unhappy,
at the end of the year,

I'll buy you out,
and you can go back

to that cozy two percent
your bank is giving you.

Okay, okay, I'm in.

Oh, thank you, Frasier.

And thank you, Roz.

That financial eunuch
bit was inspired.

Great stuff. Great stuff.

Oh, yeah, well, look
what I had to work with.

Hey, check this baby out.

25 cents off on a package

of Butter Buds imitation butter.

My, I can taste that scampi now.

Well?

( wolf whistle)

Oh, well, Daphne... very nice.

Thank you.

No, thank you.

( chuckling)

I'd be more flattered

if I didn't know how
hard up you both are.

I'm going out with
Derek again tonight,

but I'm having trouble
choosing a fragrance.

I've got it pinned
down to these two.

Heather... fresh and bouncy

as a spring morning

or Forbidden...

Your passport to erotic
realms of pleasure.

How many times you
been out with this guy?

This is our third date.

Forbidden. Forbidden.

Why is it so important
this is our third date?

FRASIER: Well, Daphne,

sexual mores being
what they are in America,

the third date is
usually the place

where two healthy adults
decide whether or not to...

take it to the next level.

Excuse me?

What kind of a
randy custom is that?

First date, second date...

Whoops, let's all
pitch our knickers.

( doorbell ringing)

the third date might mean
that to you Americans

but it takes more
than three dinners

to get bangers and
mash with Daphne Moon.

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

You look even lovelier
than usual this evening.

Thank you.

( sniffing)

Is that Forbidden?

In every sense of the word.

I think I'll just scrub my
neck with an unscented soap.

If you ask me,

you Americans have an
unhealthy obsession with sex.

Hey, I'm sorry we
can't all be as chaste

and restrained
as the royal family.

Good one, Dad.

I've been saving it.

Frasier,

I come bearing good news.

I just spoke to my broker.

Meadow Wood Properties
has already leased 85%

of the space in the
proposed mini-mall.

Instead of 12%,

they are projecting a
15% return on our money!

Ooh, this is fantastic!

What say we go
celebrate with a nice dinner

at an exclusive boite?

Yes, but the question
remains, "what boite?"

Chyrisse?

Too noisy.

Alsace? Too bright.

Papillon? Too crowded.

We've run out of boites.

A city this size and
only three boites.

How do we live?

Hey, I'm going down to Duke's.
What are you guys doing?

Well, we're trying to
find someplace to eat.

Well, when you get through,

why don't you swing by
and have a beer with me?

At Duke's?

Yeah.

Us?

Yeah.

With you?

What am I speaking, Swahili?

Yeah... you two... at
Duke's... with me... a beer...

if you want.

Geez!

Good God, do you believe that?

No. No one in the family

has ever been invited to Duke's.

Not even Mother.

There were times she could be

quite the old rummy.

I wonder why
now, after 30 years,

he's suddenly
inviting us down there.

Cheerio! Daphne!

Daphne, has Dad
said anything to you

about us and Duke's?

Has he been planning this?

You mean... behind your backs?

Precisely.

No!

What a couple of wallies!

I mean, I have
never met a family

that works so hard at being
uncomfortable with each other.

Could it be

that he just wants to
lift a pint with his sons?

No. Duke's is
where Dad hangs out

with his cop buddies.

It's where he goes to
escape the stresses, strains

and petty annoyances
of everyday life.

In other words, us.

Yeah, well, I suppose
you could sit around here

analyzing why he invited you

and end up frittering
the night away or...

Here's a thought:

you could just go down there
and find out for yourselves.

You know, for a layperson,

she has a way of cutting right
through the crap, doesn't she.

Oh, my God, it's
a roomful of Dads.

Oh, look, there
he is, there he is.

Oh, look at him.

Just holding court.

No wonder he likes
it down here so much.

They're all hanging
on his every word.

NILES: Wow!

This is the most fun
I've ever seen him have

without a remote
control in his hand.

Hey! Frasier! Niles!

Oh, I'm glad you could make it.

Yeah, come on in,
I want you to meet

some of the guys I
was on the force with.

Hey, guys, these are my boys.

This is Frasier.

He's on the radio.

Hey, this is Marty's kid!
The guy on the radio!

( men cheering)

MAN: Hey, Fras, Joe Herman.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, check this out.

"I'm listening."

That's... like hearing
a recording of myself.

Dad? Dad, Dad.

Dad. What?!

Oh, oh, and this is
my other son, Niles.

He's a psychiatrist too.

He married money.

All right! Way to go!

Hey, Duke, Duke, come on.
I want you to meet my boys.

Yeah, this is Fras...

Dad! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What?!

Oh, yeah, yeah... this is
Frasier and this is Niles.

Hey, how are you?

Hey, how about a couple of
Duke's specials for you guys?

Oh, and what would those be?

Boilermakers.

Shot of whiskey, beer back.

Oh, darn, we've been
drinking those all night.

Maybe it's time we
switched to sherry.

Two boilermakers, please.

It's great finally
meeting you guys.

Marty's been
telling us about you

since you were kids.

Aw, Dad.

I'll tell you, Frasier,

we all felt terrible
when we heard your wife

was screwing around
behind your back.

What was her name again?

MEN: Lilith!

Hey, it was a slow
night, all right?

All right, all right,
everybody settle down here.

Settle down.

I want to make a toast.

For 30 years, Duke's has
been my home away from home.

I look around here tonight
and I see a lot of friends,

and I want to say
I'm going to miss you.

And I'm going to
miss this joint, too.

And may there be a special
place in hell for those S.O.B.s

who are tearing it down to
build some damn mini-mall.

MEN: Right, right, yeah!

Those sniveling
rat-faced bastards

from Meadow Wood Properties!

MEN: Yeah!

To Duke's!

MEN: To Duke's!

Two more.

Did you talk to your lawyer?

Yes. He's examined the contract.

Our checks have cleared.

I even spoke with
the general partner.

He said there's no way
they're willing to even consider

moving the site.

The deal's going through.

Maybe we could have Duke's
declared a historical landmark.

It's been there for 40 years.

I doubt that, Niles.

They already tore down
Seattle's first Pony Express office

to build this place.

Damn.

Here you go, guys.

One capuccino, one latte...

and hey, these are on me.

Oh.

This guilt is driving me crazy.

It should... you make about
ten times more than I do.

Duke's was his whole life.

Well, Niles, there's nothing
we can do about it, really.

You know, lo-look
at it this way:

We're actually
doing Dad a service.

We're stopping him from
going out and drinking

and the other policemen as well.

Maybe we're even performing
a community service.

Men with guns will have one
less place to go and liquor up.

There's always Roz's place.

Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you say about
me when I'm not around?

I think the only way
I'm going to feel better is

if I just bite the
bullet and tell Dad.

No.

ROZ: The way I see it,

your situation is like a woman

who has one crazy night
and cheats on her boyfriend.

Now, the only reason
for this woman to confess

is to make herself feel better.

So the best thing she can do

is just keep her mouth shut.

Unless, of course,

her boyfriend walks in
on her and the other guy

because he decides to
come home from Portland

on the midnight flight
instead of driving back,

like he said he would, so
in that case, he's the liar,

and why should she feel bad?

Thank you, Roz, for that
purely theoretical example.

The fact is, I happen
to agree with you.

Niles, if we tell him now,

it will only hurt him.

We've got to keep this quiet.

All right. I just don't
think it can be done.

Of course it can be done!

Do you mean to say you can
look Dad in the eye, day after day,

knowing you have destroyed
his sanctuary, and not tell him?

You can live with that?

Niles, you're forgetting

I married Lilith.

I can live with anything.

You buy into an
investment group, Eddie.

You don't know.

Hi, Dad.

What are you doing up?

I reached over in my sleep
and Eddie wasn't there.

You need a woman, Dad.

Tell me about it.

Oh, you turned the sign on.

That was nice of
Duke to give it to me.

You hold a glass of beer
in front of it, it turns green.

Dad...

Niles and I are investors

in the company that's
tearing down Duke's.

We didn't know.

When we found out,

we tried to get out
of it but we couldn't.

Aw, geez, yell at me,
Dad, will you please?

Hit me or something.

Hit me with your cane.

Just don't stand there.

Let me see if I got this right.

In the last year...

you give my chair away...

you lose my dog...

and now you demolish my bar.

What's next?

I'm going to find out you're
the one who shot me in the hip?

I have an alibi for that one.

You have an alibi
for everything.

Well, Dad, it's not like
I did this on purpose!

I'm part of a huge
investment group.

I don't get it.

You guys stood there

and you watched me and
my friends get all weepy

and you didn't say anything.

Well, what did
you want us to say?

"Hey, fellas, here's
something ironic..."

Well, why in the hell
didn't you at least tell me?

I don't know. I...

I guess...

I guess maybe it was because...

when you invited
me down to Duke's

it felt like we were...

finally getting closer.

It was a momentous step.

It was a beer.

Not to me.

It was validation.

Finally, I was one of the guys
you wanted to hang out with.

I... I didn't want
to spoil that.

I would've had you
down there before.

I just figured it was
the kind of place

you'd look down your nose at.

Well, you're probably right.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Well, maybe I spent too
much time at Duke's, anyway.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, when
you kids were growing up,

maybe if I'd spent less time at
Duke's and more time with you

I wouldn't be sitting
across from a son

who puts so much
stock in one beer.

You know, I was actually having

a pretty good time
down there at Duke's...

till I found out I was
the one responsible

for obliterating it from
the face of the planet.

I liked having
you there too, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Do you mind, Dad?

Just... just...

it's driving me crazy.

That looks like hell.

Hey, you know what?

We got a couple of hours
before that wrecking ball comes.

How about you and I go down
there and have one more beer?

To Duke's? Yeah!

N-Now? Yeah!

You and me? Us together?

Oh, not this again!

Yeah, yeah. All right. Great.

Just you, me...

and Charlie Ballantine.

I'll meet you right
back here in a minute.

Oh.

Good evening, Daphne.

Or should I say good morning?

How was your date with Derek?

We had a wonderful time.

Plus, we went to dinner

then to the symphony.

Then we took a
lovely moonlight stroll

through the park.

He's a perfect
gentleman, is Derek.

Apparently in England...

it's the fourth date.

♪ And I'll be here in
sunshine or in shadow ♪

♪ Oh, Danny Boy, oh, Danny Boy ♪

♪ I love you so-o. ♪

( laughing): That's good.

That reminds me
of old Mickey Dugan.

I remember one Fourth of
July we were on mounted patrol

leading a big parade
down Broad Street.

It was a real scorcher that day.

Must've been 100 degrees

and I'm sitting on top
of a thousand pounds

of hot, sweaty horse.

I must've been
complaining a bit,

'cause as we ride by Duke's,

Mickey gets fed up and says,
"If you want a damn beer so bad,

shut up and get one."

So I ride old Agades
right through the front door,

right up to the bar and
order myself a beer.

Duke plays it cool as a cucumber

and says, "And what'll
your friend have?"

I said, "Nothing, he's driving."

I told you that one
before, haven't I?

Yeah.

Oh, what a place.

Want another beer, Dad?

Sure, why not?

Sun's up.

You look around this place

in the golden,
early morning light...

and it's still a dump.

I'm going to miss it, though.

Yeah, I know what it is to
have a neighborhood bar.

I remember the last time

I walked out of my old
watering hole back in Boston.

It's a...

strangely emotional day.

It's the people, I guess.

Saying good-bye
to a lot of people.

You know, Dad, just
because you're saying

good-bye to this
place doesn't mean

you can't see your buddies
just as much as you always did.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah, you're right.

But that's life, huh?

You move on.

Only a fool tries to fight it.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to stop the demolition.

What are you doing here?

We came to say good-bye.

You may not have to.

I've alerted my lawyers.

I intend to stand here and
face down the bulldozers.

I'm prepared to take this thing

to the highest
court in the land.

Niles, you don't
have to do that.

I've had a discussion with Dad.

He forgives us.

Sure, son, don't
worry about it. It's okay.

Is it really okay?

I think not!

Because today it's Duke's

but tomorrow, it's Moe's

and the day after that,
it's Ernie's Tap Room.

See, I'm not just
here for you, Dad.

I'm doing this for
every little guy out there

who found some solace
at the end of a hard day

by bellying up at his
neighborhood bar.

I'm here to show
faceless corporate America

they can't just walk in here
without so much as a "howdy do"

and shove the little guy aside,

even when I'm that
faceless corporate America.

I'm here to fight
the good fight,

to show those sniveling,
rat-faced heathens

there's still some fury pounding
in the heart of John Q. Public.

On the other hand, who am I
to stand in the way of progress?

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, everybody!