Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 4 - Flour Child - full transcript

WOMAN: It's not that I
don't like him, Dr. Crane.

It's... it's just that he's
gotten so attached.

I mean, roses every day
for a week, after two dates?

Maggie, the first
thing you have to do

is sit Gavin down for a
nice long conversation.

In a frank and
honest discussion,

tell him that, though he
wants to go at one speed,

you need to go at another.

Tell him you're
not rejecting him,

that you are fond of him,

but if he doesn't give you some
breathing room... you know,



suddenly I wonder what Roz,
my non-Ph.D.-holding producer

thinks you should do.

Well, I just think that any guy

who's that clingy
after two dates

has a major insecurity problem.

I say dump him
now, head for the hills

and don't look back.

It's so good to hear that, Roz.

That's what I wanted
to do, but I felt so guilty.

Thanks so much.

Bye.

And that takes us to commercial.

This, for those of you
who may have forgotten

is the Dr. Frasier Crane Show!



Now, here's your
new parking pass.

Mm-hmm.

I confirmed your dinner
reservations for three.

At your father's request,

you'll be dining at Chez Shrimp.

Here are two letters
that you've got to sign,

a card for Clarence the
guard that we're all signing,

and a notice about sign-ups
for the KACL bowling team.

I'll just file this
right in the trash.

Oh, wonderful.

Another card.

Of course I, as
resident wit here,

will have to think of
something clever to say.

Well, at least I've got another
gala KACL birthday bash

to look forward to.

I can just taste that frozen
Sara Lee cake right now

and hear the wild applause

as a full-grown adult snuffs
out a handful of tiny candles.

What are you grousing about?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

( tinny computer music playing)

Yes... the pageantry
never stops.

MARTIN: Mr. Fancy Pants.

He's got to buy a German car.

It's not my fault we broke down.

If you'd bought American,
they wouldn't tow your car

halfway across the
state to get it fixed!

That's why I always
buy American.

You break down, you just
drive to the nearest garage.

I could break down all
alone in the middle of Alaska!

Finally, a thought
to raise all our spirits.

This traffic is murder.

I'd suggest we walk home,

but I'm afraid what
the humidity will do

to these loafers.

Does calfskin pucker?

Yes, Niles. That's
why, on humid farms,

the calf is the most
made-fun-of of all the animals.

There's no point in being snide.

We're all going to
be in here for awhile.

We might as well try and
make pleasant conversation.

We are a family, after all.
It shouldn't be that hard.

So, you been driving long?

Not really.

I bet you got some pretty
good stories, though.

You guys ever hear of a
woman having a baby in a cab?

That's a classic!

We've all heard that one, yeah.

Why? Did that
happen in this cab?

No... I think it's about to.

You're pregnant?!

Yes. Ow!

Oh, oh well, don't panic, miss.

It may just be false labor.

Oh! My water just broke.

I'm sitting here in
a puddle of water!

Calfskin! Calfskin!

I think the closest
hospital is First Methodist.

Oh, we'll never
make it in this traffic.

Miss, you'd-you'd
better pull over.

Say, please try to
park facing downhill.

Niles!

Aah! I can't have my baby here!

All right, now listen, miss, there's
no need for you to be concerned.

You happen to be in the presence

of two trained
medical professionals.

Niles, help the woman.

( groaning)

Hurry!

I know. I know. I'm coming.

( screaming)

( all yelling)

The other door! The other door!

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Oh, no...

Hello, is anybody
there? Come in!

All right, now, the
most important thing

you can do right
now is breathe deeply.

Just do as I do:

Hee hoo hee hoo.

Hee hoo hee...

are you feeling faint
or short of breath?

Yes, both of those, but...

( both breathing)

DISPATCHER ( over
radio): Hello. Go ahead.

Uh, yeah! I'm calling
from cab number... 804.

This is an emergency.

Your driver Arleen
just went into labor.

We're at the corner
of 14th and Sycamore.

We need an ambulance
here right now.

Do you hear me? Over.

Yes. I'll get right on it.

Aah! It really hurts.

That's okay. It's natural.

No! You're squeezing my hand!

Just get ahold
of yourself, Niles!

I'm sorry! I only did this
once before, in medical school,

and all I remember is a
bright light and lots of blood

and then a linoleum floor
hurtling toward my forehead.

You fainted?

Oh, switch places with me,
honey, and see how you do.

Oh, good God, Niles!

That's it! Get in the back!

I'll do this.

Get-get-get moving.

Oh, the baby's really
coming now! I feel it!

That's a good thing. And when he
does come, I'll be here to catch him.

Now listen, just continue
with your breathing.

Hoo hee hoo...

Now, I don't want
you feeling guilty

for having your baby in a cab.

No, there's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I'm sure many great Americans
have been born this way.

Cab Calloway
comes to mind... yeah.

You know, my particular
area of medicine is psychiatry.

I like to specialize in
the head, you know,

not the lower
portions of the body.

It's much less messy that way.

Not that your lower
portion is messy at all.

It's quite beautiful,
actually... Not that I'm looking!

( screaming)

Is the pain that bad?

No! You're driving me crazy!

Don't drive her crazy!

Move it out of there!

Come on! All right, Dad!
All right! Just hurry up.

What, are you a doctor too?

No. I'm a retired cop.

Well, what took you so long?

Oh! It's really hurting!

I know. Look, everything's
just going to be fine, sweetheart.

Now, I've delivered
more than a...

a few babies in my lifetime

and some are even
older than you are now.

Now, Frasier's gonna hold your
hand and help you with your breathing,

and Niles is gonna look
out for an ambulance,

and I'm gonna get ready to bring

your beautiful baby
into this world, okay?

Okay.

Good. Now, are
there any questions?

Yes. Should our
meter will be running?

( screaming)

DAPHNE: Hello? Are you back yet?

Well, go on. Turn your heads.

Okay. So I guess

you've had some
excitement tonight.

No, I haven't.

Well, your father

sure made it sound
exciting on the phone...

Delivering a baby in a taxi.

Oh, that. I don't think of that

as excitement as
much as my sworn duty

to use those skills I
honed in medical school.

Yes. Niles ran down
to a falafel stand

for a pot of hot water.

MARTIN: What I can't get over

is that feeling of being there

right when a
person's life begins.

One minute, it's just this
blob in some lady's stomach.

Next minute, it's a person.

Blob... person.

The miracle of birth summed
up in one poetic phrase.

I'll bet you have
some fond memories

of when your son was born.

Oh, yes, of course.

I remember the very first
time I held him in my arms

as a newborn.

It was as if everything else in
the universe simply melted away.

There was just
a father, a son...

and the distant
sound of Lilith saying,

"If you ever come
near me again, Frasier,

I'll drop you
with a deer rifle."

At least nowadays, fathers
get to see their sons be born.

In my day, they stuck
us all in the waiting room,

smoking cigarettes

and reading Life magazine.

I can still remember
the exact article

I was reading when
Niles was born.

It was about Mickey Mantle.

Talk about life setting
you up for a fall...

Well, it's been a long night.

I'm turning in.

Night, Dad.

I can't wait to see what
kind of dreams I have

after all this talk
about childbearing.

Probably that one where
me mother shows up and says

"Well, Daphne, you're 50 now

and you've never
given me grandchildren."

So I say, "That was my
choice to make, Mum.

I was thinking of my career."

"Oh, sure, your career, but
did you ever think of me?"

"Mother, I don't want to
start this again. Just drop it!"

Oh, but will she drop it?

"Oh, shut up, Mother!"

"I don't know how you
turned out to be that way..."

I wonder how many more
people she's got in there with her.

Sherry, Niles?

Uh... no, thank you.

You seem awfully reflective.

Is there something on your mind?

Actually, yes.

For the past several months,

I've noticed my thoughts often
drifting to the same subject:

Will I ever be a father?

Ah. There are pros
and cons, of course,

but watching that
child's birth tonight,

I realized it's
something I really want.

I think.

Well, it's perfectly natural

to have parental
stirrings at your age.

Oh, no, no, this is
more than stirrings.

I wake up nights
thinking about it.

Have you talked
this over with Maris?

Not yet.

I like to know what I want

before Maris tells me.

I'm just not sure I'm
really ready for fatherhood.

Well, Niles, no one
is ever really sure.

You know, in schools these days,

teenagers who are thinking
about becoming parents

are given a
ten-pound sack of flour

to keep with them for a
week, as though it were a baby.

You're kidding.

No, no, no. They hold it,

they care for it, never
let it out of their sight.

It gives them a very good idea

of the constant responsibility
of being a parent.

That's very clever.

What could be better
than hands-on experience?

It might be worth a try!

I wasn't actually
suggesting that you...

Why not? This is
the perfect week.

Maris is away; I'm
desperate to resolve the issue.

Frasier, where do
you keep the flour?

In the kitchen.
Ooh! The kitchen.

It's the cabinet
next to the sink.

Yes! Here it is:
"extra refined."

He's taking after
his old man already.

No, Niles. That's the sugar.

If we're going to do this

we're going to do it right.

Now, here is the flour.

Hmm...

"Bleached, 100% fat-free.

Best when kept in
a airtight container."

It seems this one's
taking after its mother.

Oh, hello, Niles.

Hello, Frasier. May I join you?

Or should I say, "may we?"

Mais oui.

I see you're still continuing

with our little baby experiment.

Yes, and it's turned out to
be quite a learning experience.

Not easy, though.

I take him everywhere.

Get up for 2:00 a.m. feedings,
the whole exhausting nine yards.

What a beautiful baby.

How old is he?

Eight weeks.

Oh, great age, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Niles... Mm-hmm?

I can't help noticing that
your child has a little boo-boo.

Oh, it's nothing.

I was playing him some
Brahms the other day...

Never too early to ingrain them.

I guess I must have
begun conducting

with one of the
gilded chopsticks

Maris wears in her bun,

and I accidentally
ran him through.

What young parent
doesn't tell that story?

The scuffs were just
plain carelessness.

It was the fault of my
new houseman... Ghi.

( mispronouncing
"Ghi"): What did Ghi do?

No. It's "Ghi."

"Ghi."

Back of the throat... "Ghi."

Oh, who cares?

What did he do?

Well, he had just given my
car the most brilliant shine,

when I set the baby on
the roof and down it went...

Down the windshield

and onto the driveway.

Would you watch him
for me while I order?

Hey, Fras.

This seat taken?

Well, actually...

No.

Well, you'll be happy to know

that Clarence is
doing a lot better.

I just dropped his card off.

Clarence?

Yeah. Clarence the guard.
Oh, down at the station!

Clarence... Oh, yes.
Well, that's good.

I didn't know he was sick.

You signed his "get well" card.

You mean that
wasn't a birthday card?

No... he's in the hospital
having a kidney transplant.

Oh, my God, I thought
it was his birthday!

I wrote, "Dear Clarence,
you're not getting older,

you're just getting a
little closer to death!"

How could you think

it was his birthday?

I don't know.

I guess I just didn't
recognize the traditional card

for a man in an advanced
state of kidney failure:

A giant pink bunny rabbit!

Do you think he's read it yet?

No, I don't think so. He
was sleeping when I left.

God, I'm going to
look like a callous fool.

We've got to get back down
there and get that card back!

How can you be leaving?

( gasps) I asked
you to baby-sit!

Oh, Niles!

I don't have time to stand here

and listen to your insanity!

I have to steal
a "get well" card

from a kidney patient!

DAPHNE: What
does that say? "Geb"?

No, no. It's "Get..."

"Get well soon. Love, Andrea."

All right, just copy it down.

Move on to the next name.

We have to transfer all
the old names from this card

onto the new card
as quickly as possible.

I want to get it
back there tonight.

So you actually snuck
into a man's hospital room

and stole his card?

I did not sneak in.

Luckily, the man was in
extreme pain and heavily sedated.

This never would've
happened if you'd

taken the time to find out
who this Clarence guy was.

You never pay any attention
to the little people in your life.

Yes, well, as soon as
we're done with this,

why don't we invite
all the commoners over

to drag me down
to the town square

and give me a good stoning?

( doorbell rings)

Must be Niles.

He's going to take me
down to the hospital.

Hello, Niles.

Hello, Frasier.

Uh...

What are you doing
with that thing?

I'm forging a parent-child
bond that will last forever.

MARTIN: Oh, that's a relief.

I was afraid it might
be something stupid.

If it makes you feel any
better, I don't wear this in public.

I just want to get the
complete picture of parenthood.

And? It's driving me batty.

Ooh!

Oh...

the feedings every two hours,

constant monitoring where he is.

I can see how parents
can be obsessed with worry.

Last night, I actually had a
dream my flour sack was abducted

and the kidnappers started
sending me muffins in the mail.

Well, on the plus side,
I've-I've learned a lot.

And I think if I ever am to
go through the real thing,

I'll make quite a
wonderful parent.

Niles,

what has happened to your child?

I was practicing my tai
chi exercises this morning,

and I accidentally kicked
him into the reflecting pool.

That's when I brought him inside

and left him by
the hearth to dry.

He caught on fire?

It was not as careless
as you make it seem.

After all, a real child
would have cried

before it burst into flames.

( beeping)

Oh, oh, oh, time for his nap.

Turn him over if
he starts fussing,

will you, Dad?

No.

I'm role playing, Dad.

Try playing the role
of a sane person.

So, Niles, any closer to making
a decision about fatherhood?

To tell you the truth, no.

One minute I think,
there's no chance in hell

I'll ever be able
to stand the stress,

the next, I find myself
daydreaming about taking my son

on his first trip to the museum

or listening to him pick
out his first feeble fur elise

on the piano, and I swear
there are tears in my eyes.

( Eddie growling)

Oh, dear.

What?

Eddie.

That dingo's got your baby.

Oh, God!

Eddie! Dad!

Oh, don't worry.

I'll clean up that
mess, Dr. Crane.

For God's sake,
Niles, calm down.

I think it's time you
realized something.

That is not a person.

It's a bag of flour.

There's an easy trick
to tell the difference.

People don't usually come

with popover recipes
on their backs.

This whole thing's stupid.

We're talking about
having a baby here.

You don't make that
decision intellectually.

You make it in
here, in your gut.

You must have a
gut feeling, Niles.

What is it?

I'm not sure.

Well, you'd better be,

because no amount of
thinking can prepare you for what

having a kid is really like.

It's hard... full of surprises.

Like maybe your kid won't want

to take piano lessons
or go to the museum.

He might want to go
to a baseball game.

Don't even say that.

Just trust yourself,
son, that's all.

You'll know if
it's right or not.

Well, Niles, I'm
finished with this now

if you're ready to
take me to the hospital.

You know, Frasier,
I'm... beginning to wonder

if this whole experiment
wasn't just a way

of convincing myself
I'm ready for something

when I know in my heart I'm not.

What do you mean?

I want to have a baby, but
I just don't want it enough.

Oh.

I think that's the hardest
thing I've ever had to admit.

Why do you say that?

Oh, because it's so selfish.

I'm the right age, I have
the money, the energy...

Niles, it's only selfish

when people have babies
for the wrong reasons.

I think more people should
do what you did and find out

if they're really ready.

Look, anyway, you know,

just because you feel
this way now doesn't mean

that things can't change
a few years down the line.

Perhaps you're right.

Of course

Maris and I will
be over 40 then.

Maybe it wouldn't hurt

to look into getting
some of her eggs frozen.

Ooh, I suspect they're
only a few degrees away

from that now.

You're certainly
going to a lot of trouble

for this Clarence
fellow. Who is he?

Beats me. Some guy
down at the station.

( tinny-sounding
computer music playing)

Oh!

Dr. Crane!

It's Clarence.

You weren't in there
looking for me, were you?

As a matter of fact, I was, yes.

Well, they changed my room.

Oh, this is so sweet of you.

Well, you know,

Clarence is such a
fixture down at the station.

It just hasn't felt the
same there without him.

You find the time
to come down here

while the rest of those
bums at the station

don't even send me a card.

Actually, Clarence, there's...
there's an explanation for that.

MAN: Make the music stop!

You see, the
others at the station,

they just don't know
you the way I do.

Well, listen, you
get yourself well

and get right back there, okay?

I miss seeing you

every time I walk by the...

place you tend to be.

Niles?

Niles?

Niles.

What are you doing?

Looking at these babies,

I can't help wondering if,
if I made the right decision.

Niles.

Well, look at them.

Frasier, they're healthy,
beautiful, lovable...

Flammable.

How can I deny
myself this experience?

Maybe I'm more ready for
parenthood than I thought.

Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Arleen, how funny
running into you.

And this must be..?

Yes. Little Nathan.

Oh, look.

Oh, I'm so glad I ran into you.

We both want to
thank you guys again.

So, would one of
you like to hold him?

Yes, I would.

( crying)

Oh, he's beautiful.

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, why... yes. Yes.

Why shouldn't you cry?

Everything's so new to you.

So much life to
live and so many...

No, you got his leg bent back.

Oh. Here, you take him.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, see you guys.

Say hi to your dad for me.

Perhaps I made
the right decision.

Oh, I'd say so, yes.

You ready to go?

Uh-huh.

( baby cooing)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!