Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Matchmaker - full transcript

( smoke alarm beeping)

FRASIER: Oh, my God!

Fire! Fire!

Eddie! Eddie!

Where are you, boy?

FRASIER: Dad, wake up!

Dad, are you in there?

Eddie?

Here, Eddie!

Dad, Dad, where are you?

Have you seen Eddie?



No. What's burning?

Where is the fire?

Eddie!

It's all right! It's all right!

False alarm.

The one over me bed went off.

Thank God.

And don't worry about Eddie.

He's back in my room.

God, the noise the
bloody thing makes.

It would be less upsetting
to just wake up on fire.

What the hell triggered it?

Who knows? I was
dozing quite peacefully

when it started screaming away



for no reason at all.

FRASIER: I see.

What have we here?

Eddie, you've been smoking
in Daphne's bedroom. Bad dog!

I know. I know.

You have a no-smoking rule.

I'm sorry.

But every now and
again I feel a bit tense,

and I find a ciggy
can be very soothing.

Oh, yes, real soothing.

It should only be about an hour

until my heart
stops fibrillating.

Oh, it figures. 3:00 a.m.

Of course, this would
happen on the night

before I have an
early morning meeting.

Daphne, aren't you
going back to bed?

No. I'll just sit up for a bit.

I'm feeling a bit blue.

Anything you'd
like to talk about?

No. No. You need your sleep.

It's nothing important.

Just this feeling that me life's

a gaping sinkhole and
I'm just marking time

while the flower of me
youth rots on the vine.

Well, so long as you're sure.

( whimpers)

I really wish you'd
tell me about it.

Well, if you must
know, it's me love life.

Really?

You've been seeing a man?

Only when I close me
eyes and concentrate.

I see.

Going through a
bit of a drought, eh?

Small wonder.

The rare times I do go out,

it's usually with your father.

People see us and
assume I'm his daughter

or else his girlfriend.

Either way, it's like having

me own personal
can of stud repellent.

Mm. Yes, well, I know how
bleak these times can be,

but believe me, they come
to an end sooner or later

You know, I remember
a time back in Boston,

I was going through exactly
what you're going through now.

Just a week later I
met a lovely barmaid...

Sophisticated, if
a bit loquacious...

We fell madly in love.

We got engaged.

Of course, she left
me standing at the altar.

But the point is,
I didn't give up.

I took my poor, battered heart

and offered it to Lilith.

Put it in her little Cuisinart

and hit the puree button.

I rebounded

and look how far I've come.

I'm divorced, lonely...

living with my father.

( people chattering)

You know, I figured
I'd find you here.

You know, you
missed your meeting

with the new station manager.

Oh, no. I completely forgot.

God, you look like

you've been ridden
hard and put away wet.

Yes, well, I was up till all
hours of the night with Daphne,

competing to see which of us
had the more pathetic love life.

On the bright side, I won.

Well, I know what
your problems are.

What are Daphne's?

Daphne? Oh, she's just
having trouble finding men.

Oh... Say no more.

No, Roz, Roz,
no, please, really.

It's, it's not necessary.

You do not have to donate one
of your boyfriends to Daphne.

Please. I'd be happy to.

Still, one hates to
break up a collection.

There you go.

Triple espresso
and my mocha latte.

Do those chocolate
shavings look different to you?

No.

Well, they do to me.

I think they've switched

to an inferior domestic brand.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Waxy.

Sven Bachman.

He's an aerobics instructor.

I don't think so.

Oh, oh, this one's perfect.

Gunther Dietrich.

Oh, he's loads of fun
and he's a runway model.

A German narcissist.

There's an appealing
combination.

Okay, okay. I'll keep looking.

Looking for what?

I'm helping Frasier
find a man for Daphne.

What?

Here we go.

Here we go. He's
a tennis instructor

and his name is Brick.

Dear God, Frasier,
Sven, Gunther, Brick?

Why not just lather
Daphne up with baby oil

and hurl her over the
wall of a prison yard?

Excuse me, but I've
dated all these guys.

Now, where do you think I
came up with the imagery?

Listen, you little titmouse...

FRASIER: All right,
now, listen, Niles,

you are completely
out of line here,

and, Roz, he does have a point.

You and Daphne are entirely
different kinds of women.

While Daphne is very
shy and inexperienced,

you are more... well, a lot...

Well, actually, you'd
be hard-pressed

to find anyone who's more...

Oh, I get it.

Not one man I've ever dated is
good enough for Miss Daphne.

Is that what you're
trying to say?

No, that is what
I'm trying not to say.

You're not making it very easy.

Oh, I'm out of here.

Oh, Roz, please wait.

No. I can't stay.
The fleet is in!

( electronic humming)

( humming stops)

And this concludes our test

of the emergency
broadcast system.

Had this been a real emergency,

your radio would be
melting in your hands.

We'll be right back
after these messages.

In the future, please
keep your disgusting,

half-eaten food off my console.

In fact, just stay
out of my sight.

You're still mad
at me, I can tell.

Ooh, there's that
keen sensitivity

that keeps you in such
demand with the ladies.

Look, Roz, I'm sorry
if I insulted you earlier,

but the truth is, I feel very
protective about Daphne.

The kind of man I'm looking for

has to be good-looking,
smart, successful...

Excuse me.

Yes.

I'm Tom Duran, the
new station manager.

Oh, Tom! It's a
pleasure to meet you.

I'm so sorry about missing
the meeting this morning.

I slept right through it.

Oh, yeah, me, too,
and I was there.

Say, that's a beautiful tie.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, I got this in London at
one of those custom shops

just off of Sloan Square...

You know, I just
came from London.

I spent the last five years
there working for the BBC.

Really?

I love London.

The museums, the theater...

Oh, yeah.

I'm a big theater buff.

Three shows a week.

I hated leaving.

I can imagine. Why did you?

Well, I just kind of went
through a messy breakup.

I thought I'd sleep better
with a continent between us.

Yes, I know the feeling.

( mirthless chuckle)

So...

I take it, then, you
are unattached?

Uh, yes, but I
haven't given up hope.

Well, you may have
come to the right place.

Really?

Yes.

You say you're very
fond of the English?

Oh, yes, very much.

You know, I think I've
always had a weakness

for people who are...
just a little eccentric.

Really?

15 seconds.

Well, listen, it was
nice meeting you.

Likewise, Tom.

Oh, say, Tom, uh,

this may sound
like short notice, but

if you're not busy Saturday,

why don't you come
by my place for dinner.

Nothing fancy. Well, thanks.

I'd like that. Great!

FRASIER: Hello,
Seattle. We're back.

Roz, whom do we have up next?

We have James from
Tacoma on line one.

FRASIER: Hello,
James. I'm listening.

Hey, Roz.

Oh, hey, Tom.

Well, you know, it's the
same every job I take.

Word spreads like wildfire.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, you know, you tell one
or two people you're gay,

and before you can blink,
it's all over the station.

Well, they don't call it
broadcasting for nothing.

He seems like a nice guy.

Oh, he's okay.

Well, I hope he's
more than okay.

He just asked me out on a date.

Frasier just asked
you out on a date?

Yeah, well, he asked
me to his place for dinner.

So, I wanted to ask you:

Is there any particular
wine he likes?

Well, listen, Tom,
there's something

you need to know
about Frasier. What?

He's nuts about chardonnay.

Thanks.

( glasses clinking)

DAPHNE: Does he
ask permission first?

Oh, no, he just barges
in and says he set me up

with God knows who, and
I'm supposed to turn cartwheels

like I'm bloody Cinderella.

Daphne, will you please relax?

Look, I told you
this is not a setup.

Tom doesn't even
know you'll be here.

Oh, an ambush, then. Much nicer.

Me girlfriends in Manchester
used to set me up all the time.

And it was always
some gangly bounder

with a boardinghouse reach,

and he wasn't going for
the Coleman's hot mustard

if you know what I mean.

Keep in mind that Tom is
just a coworker coming by

for a pleasant little dinner.

If some spark
should ignite, fine.

But there is no pressure,

absolutely no pressure...

Is that what you're wearing?

Why, what's wrong with it?

( doorbell rings)

Don't you have something
with a little more oomph?

I mean, what about that...

oh, that-that strapless
number you have?

Do you have any idea
how uncomfortable

a strapless bra is?

Well, thanks to
my fraternity days,

as a matter of fact, I do.

Tom, come on in.

Hi, Frasier. Good to see you.

Oh, I don't know, something
told me you'd like chardonnay.

Oh, my, that's my favorite!

So, what do you
think of the place?

It's a hell of a view.

It's even better
from the bedroom.

Why don't we just
start with a drink.

( chuckling): Oh.

Oh, four places.
Who's joining us?

Oh, well, just my
little household.

My father and his physical
therapist, charming Daphne.

You live with your dad?

Mm.

Ooh, I can't even imagine that.

Well, I mean, I think it's great
that you get along so well,

but doesn't having him here

kind of put a crimp
in your love life?

Oh, not at all.

No... well, except when

I bring my dates home,
he tries to steal them.

He's quite the old rascal.

DAPHNE: Good evening.

Ooh, well, look
who we have here.

Hmm...

Tom...

I'd like you to meet Daphne.

Daphne, this is Tom Duran.

Pleasure to meet you.

Likewise.

Oh, Dr. Crane, you
didn't take his coat.

Oh, sorry.

May I?

Ooh, this is strange.

I'm picking up a
vibration from your coat.

Excuse me?

Yes, sell, Daphne feels that

she possesses psychic powers.

You know, those
English eccentrics.

Oh...

you've just been through

a very painful
breakup, haven't you?

Yes. Wait a minute,
you told her that,

didn't you? No, no.

There was a bitter dispute

about ownership
of opera recordings.

Whoa!

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'll nip into the kitchen.

I have a bird to baste. Mm-hmm.

Quite something, isn't she?

Oh, she's great.

I love hearing
that accent again.

Hey, Frasier,

I don't have to put a tie on

for this joker, do I?

Tom, this is my
father, Martin Crane.

Tom Duran, nice to meet you.

Yeah, sorry about
that joker business.

I call everybody joker, jerk...

( chuckling)

Pinhead... bozo...

FRASIER: Amazingly, he's free

for dinner on short notice.

Why don't I just open
some of this wonderful wine.

Well?

Oh, he's a looker.

Mm-hmm. I'm glad you
made me put on me lucky bra.

He's worth every wire
digging into me rib cage.

Yes, you made an
impression on him, too.

He thinks you're great.

Oh, go on.

( chuckling): Oh, God.

Listen to me
getting carried away

like a schoolgirl when
I just met the man.

No, I'm not raising
me hopes tonight...

though I'm glad I
raised me bosom.

Yeah, let me tell you,
you're gonna love Seattle.

It's a real people place.

Good food, great bars.

I've heard that. Any
you recommend?

Yeah, I usually hang out
at a place called Duke's.

Great crowd. A
lot of young cops.

Mmm...

So you like football?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

I really missed it when
I was living in London.

Yeah? Well, maybe we could
take in a Seahawk game sometime.

Frasier hates it,
so it'd just be us.

Hey, Frasier warned
me about you.

Yeah, I guess I yell
at the players too loud.

Here we are, Tom.

Dad, I took the
liberty of selecting

an amusing little
vintage for you, too.

Sorry I didn't bring the
pull-tab so you can sniff it.

( laughing)

Merci beaucoup.

( doorbell rings)

Oh, excuse me.

Oh... Niles.

Hello, Frasier.

Oh, thank you.

I just stopped by
to return your book.

FRASIER: Oh, thank
you. Don't let me keep you.

Oh.

Am I interrupting something?

Niles, as a matter of fact,

I'm introducing a man to Daphne.

Ah. Guess you don't
want me around, then.

Thank you.

How do you do?

I'm Dr. Niles Crane.

Hi, I'm Tom Duran.

DAPHNE: The bird's all done.

All I need is a pair
of big, strong arms

to haul it out of the oven.

Well, I certainly don't
need to be asked twice.

So, halfway
through the interview,

her stomach starts rumbling,

and her body
mic's picking it up.

But I have to ignore it,
because what am I gonna say?

"Excuse me, would Her
Majesty care for a Tums?"

( Frasier and Martin guffaw)

( laughing): Oh, I could listen

to your stories all night.

They're so funny.

And all involving
bodily functions.

Tom, I could use a
little hand in the kitchen.

No, no, sit, Daphne.

After all that cooking,

you must be
absolutely strapless.

Uh, Niles, can I speak
with you a moment?

Yes.

I was wondering, did I do
anything that offended you?

No.

Oh, must be all in my head.

But I sensed that you had

a problem with
me dating Frasier.

Well, if you must know...

I'm sorry, what
was the question?

Do you have some problem
with me dating your brother?

No.

FRASIER: Now, Niles,

I didn't ask Tom to dinner

so he'd end up talking to
you all night in the kitchen.

There are others who would
like to have a crack at him.

Hey, that Tom's
a great guy, huh?

You think

maybe him and Daphne...?

Mm-mmm...

You know, I can't remember

the last time I had such
a wonderful evening.

Oh, no. We should
be thanking you.

I can't remember when
I've laughed so hard.

( Martin roaring with laughter)

You've still got
Mr. Crane going.

Daphne, I think a little

after-dinner music
might be appropriate.

Good idea.

She's, uh... quite
a woman, isn't she?

Yes, she's... she's
really something.

Uh, Frasier, I was wondering...

Yes?

Do you think before
the evening's over,

we could get a little
one-on-one time?

Ooh, I think I can arrange that.

Daphne! What?

He says he wants
to be alone with you.

No! Yes!

This really is me lucky bra.

Keep the wine flowing.
I'll go fix me lipstick.

Okay.

MARTIN: Yeah, I guess

I'd better be
hitting the old sack.

I don't want to stand

in the way of young romance.

Thanks, Dad.

Good night, Tom.

Good night, Martin.

Niles, I think it's time that
you be running along, too.

Oh, yes, I guess I
must be on my way,

and Frasier, I must apologize.

I was wrong about Tom.

If I had to choose
a man for Daphne,

he's the one I'd pick. Oh.

Uh, good night, Tom.

Nice to meet you. Good night.

FRASIER: I'll show you out.

Mm-hmm. Frasier,
a word in your ear.

Hmm? Oh, uh, excuse me.

There's something
I have to tell you.

Dad wanted to, but
I won the coin toss.

Yes, what is it?

I had a little chat with
Tom in the kitchen,

and he told me he's interested

in pursuing a
romantic relationship,

but the object of his
affections is not Daphne.

Damn that Roz!

No, no.

It's you.

Me? That's impossible.

Tom's not gay.

He seems to be
under that impression.

Well...

what on earth could
have made him think

that I was interested in him?

All I did was ask him
if he was attached

and then we talked about the
theater and men's fashions...

Oh, my God.

Niles, do you realize
what this means?

Yes, you're dating your boss.

You, of all people,
should know the pitfalls

of an office relationship.

Yes, but you know,
he didn't say any...

He just never mentioned
the fact that he...

I'll call you tomorrow, but
not too early, of course.

( romantic music playing)

So...

So...

God, I hate this song.

You know, I've
broken my rule for you.

I usually don't date
guys I work with.

Yes, well,

I've sort of relaxed
my rule for you, too.

You're cute when you're nervous.

Yes, well, I must be
downright adorable now.

Listen, Tom...

I'm sorry, but we seem

to have gotten our
lines crossed here.

The truth is, I'm...
entirely straight.

Hey, if you're not
interested, just say so.

Oh, no, it's true, I really am.

I just invited you to dinner
because you seemed so charming,

and you were so
fond of the British.

I thought you might be
the perfect man for Daphne.

Oh, I can't believe this.

You really had no
idea that I'm gay?

Don't take this wrong,
but it-it never even

occurred to me that
you might be gay.

Well, it never even occurred
to me that you might be straight.

Thank you.

Geez, Tom, you
know, I-I feel just awful.

It seems I've just been
leading you on all night.

Oh, it's okay. Honest mistake.

Yes, but I've been
pouring you drinks,

building up your hopes,

making you think
you might have found

a man sophisticated and
sensitive enough to help you...

Frasier, I'll learn
to love again.

Yes, of course.

You'll apologize to Daphne?

For the rest of my days.

Does this mean your
dad's not gay either?

No, no, Dad's not gay.

Hmm... huh, but
Niles... come on.

No, I'm afraid not.

Huh. So, wait a minute.

This Maris guy he kept
mentioning is a woman?

Well, the jury's
still out on that one.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.