Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Unkindest Cut of All - full transcript
When Eddie fathers a litter of puppies by a neighbor's dog, Frasier gets irritated at Martin, who is supposed to have had Eddie neutered. With Martin unwilling to get Eddie 'snipped', Frasier decides to do the job himself only for the dog to run away prior to the appointment.
Captioning sponsored by
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
( beer can opening)
What the hell are you doing?
Ironing your son's socks.
Why don't you just twist them
into little balls
like you do mine?
He says it bruises the cashmere.
He likes them pressed, folded,
then neatly arranged
in those sock dividers.
I saw them in a catalog once
but couldn't imagine
who in the world
would ever buy
such silly things.
Course, I hadn't
met Dr. Crane yet.
I used to think there'd been
some sort of mix-up
at the hospital.
Course, when Niles came along
it shot that theory all to hell.
Oh, Dad, Dad, please...
coaster.
Your beer is sweating.
So am I.
You want to shove one
of those under my can?
( doorbell rings)
If he could, he would.
Oh, Mrs. Greenway,
what a pleasant surprise.
I knew it. That's him.
Won't you come in?
I had to see him
again before I was sure
but now I'm positive.
That is the horny
little mixed breed
who got my Phoebe pregnant.
Hey, you can't just bust
in here accusing my dog.
Oh, it's him, all right.
I had to keep shooing him away
from Phoebe down at the park.
Look at him... he doesn't
care whose life he's ruined.
All he cares about is
his own selfish pleasure.
You know your
problem, Miss Dorthea?
You got a bad attitude. Oh!
That's why nobody
sits with you in the park.
Yes, but Mrs. Greenway,
there's no way that
Eddie could be the father.
He's been neutered.
Oh, really?
Well, then, how do
you explain these?
Oh, my god!
They're miniature Eddies!
Doctor, they're adorable.
Well, I'm glad you think
so, because they're yours.
Bad dog!
Look what you did!
Here, take these.
Dad, Dad, I expect
an explanation.
All this time I thought
Eddie had been fixed.
All you had to do was look.
I'm glad to say I've
never been that bored.
Oh, look!
Couldn't you just eat them up?
Oh, for God's sake,
please don't love them.
They'll think
they're staying here,
and keep them off the couch.
What were you thinking of
letting him run
free in the park?
Haven't you seen the way
he tries to romance
my towel warmer?
Look, he's cooped
up here all day.
When we go to the park,
I let him off the leash so
he can get a little exercise.
Apparently, that's
not all he got.
I think I've found the
perfect name for this one.
Stop!
Dogs only need
names if you're planning
to call them to you,
which we're not.
Oh, now, listen, you, you get
right back in there,
you mangy little thing.
My god.
All right. All right, now,
I've got to run down
to the radio station,
but believe me,
we're going to have
a discussion about
this when I get back.
Oh, relax, Frasier. I'll have
Eddie taken care of tomorrow.
Yes, well, you'd better.
Now, Daphne, give
me that box, please.
Where are you
taking the puppies?
To see if I can unload some
of them down at the station.
Oh, well, couldn't we
just keep them for a while?
No, no. We don't want
them taking after their father.
It may be too late already.
Oh, for God's sake.
Stop staring at me!
Hello, Roz. Don't
you look lovely?
I know what's in the
box, and I don't want one.
But I didn't say anything.
Betty from accounting
called to warn me.
Where did you find them, anyway?
In my living room.
These are Eddie's mongrel seed.
You don't know anybody
that wants six puppies, do you?
Six?
All right, Eddie.
Oh, please.
I've been traipsing up
and down the hallway
for an hour trying
to unload them.
I haven't had the
slightest bit of luck.
Well, Frasier, not
everybody likes dogs.
Take me... I'm a cat person.
I mean, it's not
like I'd ever buy
a cat mug or a cat
calendar or anything,
but I had a cat when
I was growing up.
We were almost inseparable.
Muffles or Scruffles...
Something like that.
You know, Roz
it's entirely possible that
there is a dog lover inside you
that's just dying to get out.
Don't you think so?
Come on, come on, come on.
Just take a look.
( high voice): Come on,
take a look, have a look.
Oh, he's adorable.
Oh, come here, little fella.
Oh...
aren't you the
cutest little thing?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Give me kisses, give me kisses.
Oh, I love you, too.
There. Happy now?
Roz, how can you
just toss him aside
after such a tender
display of affection?
I can do it with men, too.
Come on, Frasier.
It's time to start the show.
Phil, puppy. Puppy!
They're all on to me.
All right, now, you
guys behave yourselves.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane
coming to you from
KACL 780 Talk Radio.
I'll be with you for
the next three hours.
So, Roz, who's our first caller?
We have Rita on line four.
She's feeling a little
overwhelmed at home.
Hello, Rita.
I'm listening.
Yeah, Dr. Crane?
Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm-I'm, uh...
Thank you for taking my call.
I-I-I tell you, I... I, uh...
I'm a... I am about
to lose my mind.
I am raising four
kids by myself.
The oldest one
is not even seven,
and the other three
are all under five.
Between cooking and
cleaning and changing diapers
and tripping over toys, I...
I feel sometimes like
I am about to snap.
What-What-What should I do?
Have you considered
getting a puppy?
Well, if we can't have this one,
are there any other
puppies available?
No.
We found homes
for all the others,
but thanks for coming over.
Bye, now.
But the children...
I mean, Dr. Crane said...
Well, don't toss a wobbly.
There are other dogs
in the world, you know.
Now give me that.
Thank you for coming over.
Thank you.
FRASIER: Thought you might like
some wine and pate.
I made some lemonade
for the children.
Where are the Thomasons?
Why is that dog still here?
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they
struck me as unfit guardians.
For God's sake.
He works at the zoo.
She's a nurse.
Billy's an altar boy and
Kathy is a campfire girl.
They had a dark aura.
They had a ten-acre farm.
If they'd have taken me,
I'd have gone with them.
Oh, I see.
So you want me to
give the little fella away
to just anybody?
( doorbell ringing)
Well, no, I'm not saying that.
It's just that he
can't stay here.
Oh, hello, Niles. Come on in.
Hope you don't
mind my stopping by
but Maris is hosting
the Women's League
senior yoga group, and, well...
old money in body stockings...
Say no more.
You're welcome to hide out here.
I see the kennel is still open.
Yes...
but that's the last one.
I'd even managed to
find a nice home for him,
but Daphne thought the
family wasn't nice enough.
Some pate, Niles?
I didn't reject them.
The dog did.
Canines have a very keen sense
of who's a nice
person and who isn't.
Why, many's the
time I've chosen a man
based solely
on the way me mum's
springer spaniel took to him.
Oh, Daphne, that
is preposterous...
Letting a dog choose your dates?
It's true.
If a dog likes a man
it's a good bet he's
warm and sensitive.
You know,
I really didn't get a good
look at this little tyke.
Come here, boy.
Come to your Uncle Niles.
Oh... oh!
Look at that.
He's taken quite a shine to you.
Yes. Happens all the time.
Daphne,
would you mind taking
the dog away, please.
Get back on the phone
with the Thomasons
and tell them
we've reconsidered.
Oh, all right, but only
for a two-week trial.
Thank you.
Come along, Basil.
I told you not to name them.
Oh, hello, Dad.
Afternoon, boys.
Dad, I seem to remember that
Eddie had a little appointment
down at the vet.
Can't help but notice
he still has that...
certain spring in his step.
Yeah, well, we-we
started heading down there,
but the traffic was
a bear, you know.
You get a sunny day in this town
and everybody
forgets how to drive.
You are going to
reschedule, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll call in the morning.
This is the second time you've
canceled that appointment.
What seems to be the problem?
Oh, there's no problem.
What's the big deal?
I'll call tomorrow.
Relax, will you?
Oh...
Dear God, he's licking me!
Oh, Eddie.
Eddie, just stop.
Oh, Niles...
you have liver behind your ears.
Imagine. I must have
picked up a cracker
and inadvertently
scratched behind my ear.
So you're telling me
that you had a wad of
cold meat behind your ears
and you didn't feel it?
That's the story I'm
sticking with, yes.
Dad. Dad, listen, I
want your assurance
that you'll take care of this.
Fine.
You promise?
Hey, I said I'd
do it, and I will.
You don't have to pin
a note to my sweater.
Get off my back.
Anybody wants me,
I'll be down at Duke's.
You ever notice how
much faster he moves
when he's wrong?
Apparently, he's got some
sort of psychological block
against taking Eddie down there.
Guess I'm going
to have to do it.
Somebody has to be
responsible in this family.
All right, good boy.
Come on, let's go.
Eddie?
Oh...
Uh, Niles.
Oh.
Now, Eddie, it's a
routine operation.
They say it's almost painless,
although I can't imagine.
( softly): No, Niles.
Perhaps it's best we
don't discuss the operation.
We might spook him.
Excuse me?
Are you saying he
understands me?
Well, he understands
the word b-a-t-h.
God knows how much English
he's picked up.
Fine. Tu tournes a droit.
Ah, bon, bon.
Je marcherai derriere lui.
Mais, tu es celui
qui va l'amener
chez le medecin pour le...
snip-snip.
Ah. C'est vrais, mais...
Oh, what are we doing?
Eddie, come here.
This is ridiculous.
Oh... oh, look at him.
Wait a minute, wait!
What are you staring at?
You know why
you're here, don't you?
Well, now, listen,
it's for your own good.
Believe me, you'll be
much happier afterwards.
Look, your day-to-day routine...
It'll be exactly the same.
You'll be able to sleep,
run around with
your little buddies
and go play in the
woods and chase the birds
lick your...
Did I mention sleep?
You got a lot of
nerve, you know that?
You all right, boy?
Well, of course,
he's all right, Dad.
Why are you so upset?
I'm only doing this
to help you out.
Oh, that's a load of crap.
Look, we agreed that
this had to be done, right?
Now, you seem to have a
problem with it, so I took charge.
Well, I don't need
you taking charge.
Eddie's my dog, so mind
your own damn business.
And here's something
else you should know...
I don't need your
help, and I don't want it.
Why are you so upset?
It doesn't matter who
brought him down here.
Oh, yes, it does.
I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of it,
just like I feed him, walk
him and give him his bath
Eddie! Oh, no!
See what you did.
Me?
Okay, thanks.
Oh, and listen,
uh, Daphne's here
in case anybody sees him.
I got the guys at the station
circulating Eddie's picture.
I'm going to go out and
look for him some more.
Oh, come on now.
You've done enough.
Why don't you just sit
still and drink your tea.
I hate tea.
Humor me.
In an emergency, it's
all I know how to do.
That's a real comfort, coming
from a health care provider.
Dad, I'm sorry.
There was no luck at the pound.
They said they'd
call if they find a dog
matching Eddie's description.
A $500 reward for Eddie?
You sure it's enough?
Right now it's about 500 more
than I'd pay to get you back.
Look, Dad, I said I was sorry.
Well, I just can't sit here.
I'm going back to the park.
The park again?
What makes you think
he's gonna show up there?
Because that's his hangout.
Didn't you ever have
a place like that...
Somewhere where you
went to meet women?
A place where you got lucky?
Well, I suppose so, yeah.
Didn't you go back?
To the park!
This time we'll comb
every inch of that place...
Every tree, every bush.
Daphne, we're going
to need more help,
so call Niles
and tell him we'll pick him up.
Oh, yes, wouldn't want
to go out into the wild
without one of the
world's great outdoorsmen.
Oh, well... this is odd.
I've just got one
of me psychic flashes.
It's about Eddie.
Well? It doesn't make
any sense.
All I'm getting is
a picture of Eddie
sitting with Dr. Crane.
Any luck?
I couldn't find him.
Where's Niles?
We split up to
cover more ground.
Well, scrunch down.
If Eddie comes back
and sees you here,
he'll run away again.
You know, Dad, maybe
we ought to call it a night.
You've been sitting in
this car for three hours.
Aw, that's nothing.
I was on a stakeout
once for 15 hours
without ever
getting out of the car.
We had a contest to see
who could last the longest.
The winner was "Canteen" McHugh.
Know why we called him that?
I think I can guess.
'Cause his bladder was
the size of a canteen.
Thank you for clearing that up.
You could have slung his
bladder over your shoulder
and gone on a 20-mile forced
march through the desert.
Big, huh?
Isn't that what
I've been saying?
Hey, close that window!
It's freezing.
Oh, Dad, it's like a
blast furnace in here.
Well, I'm cold, okay?
At my age, you get cold easily.
Right.
You know, Dad,
I've just developed
a very interesting
theory about you.
If I begged you, would
you share it with me?
If that's your
attitude, just forget it.
( phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, Niles!
Did he find him?
Just a second.
Niles, let me put you
on speaker phone here.
Hang on.
Okay, go ahead, Niles.
I'm out here in the middle
of the park, and I'm lost.
Thank God for my cellular.
Did you see Eddie?
No, but I thought
I saw a raccoon.
When I stopped running,
I had no idea where I was.
You've got to help me.
All right, all right,
Niles, just remain calm.
Let me think back to
my Boy Scout training.
All right... now... uh...
we're on the northeast
corner of the park...
All right, look into the heavens
and see if you can
spot the north star.
Then you want to turn
12 degrees to your right...
Oh, for God's sake!
Just walk towards the horn.
( horn honking)
I hear it.
I hear it, Dad.
I-I'm walking.
All right, just
keep following it.
( horn honking)
I-I see a grove of trees
and a fountain, and...
a horrible, wretched,
hunchbacked old man.
Stay away from me!
No, no, it was just a bush.
( horn honking)
Okay, okay, things are
beginning to look familiar now.
Keep honking.
( horn honking)
I think I'm homing in.
Yes, I'm quite
sure this is the way.
Okay, you can hang up now.
That was a harrowing experience.
Yeah, a shrub and a
raccoon in one night
and you lived to tell about it.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I couldn't find Eddie.
I hope you understand.
I think I'd like to go home now
and hold my wife.
That is, if she'll let me.
I'll just hail a cab.
Be sure to call us from
the curb when you get there
so we know you're safe.
Hey, you're probably tired, too.
If you want to go
with him, that's okay.
No, that's all right, Dad.
I'll stay for a while longer.
Look, I'm sorry I cut
you off like that before.
I've just never gone in for that
psychological mumbo jumbo.
Probably started back
on the force when they'd
make us go see The Squirrel.
Who?
Dr. Bergman, the
department shrink.
We nicknamed him "The Squirrel"
'cause guys got sent to
him when they got squirrelly.
He'd show you a
bunch of inkblots
and ask you about
your toilet habits.
If I wanted to talk
about toilet habits,
I would have stayed partners
with Nate Dembrowski.
We nicknamed him "the big...
Thank you.
Look, it wasn't just
Eddie I was mad about.
Eddie was the straw that
broke the camel's back.
Seems like I'm always being told
to take my feet
off the furniture,
put a coaster under my beer,
turn the TV down...
I used to make the rules,
and now I have to follow them.
Is this making any sense to you?
Well, from a psychological
standpoint, it
makes perfect sense.
Slowly, over the years,
your responsibilities have
been taken away from you
and you... well, you feel...
symbolically castrated.
Oh, why does everything with
you shrinks start in the crotch?
All right, all right.
Well, maybe my
rules are too rigid.
Maybe I should
try to relax a little.
No. Hey, it's your house.
You do what you want.
I don't know what's bugging me.
I guess it's not easy
for a guy like me
to not be in charge.
You know, Dad, a lot of people
confuse not being in charge
with not being respected.
I... hope you're not
making that mistake.
'Cause you command
a great deal of respect.
There's not a day in my life
when I don't hold myself up
to the Martin Crane yardstick.
I guess a son always wants
to make his father proud.
Yeah, I guess.
So...
Yeah, yeah, you're doing fine...
even if you are a
big pain in the ass.
You know, I don't know if
I could have made Eddie
go through with that
operation anyway.
It's a tough thing for a
guy to do to another guy.
Amen to that.
You know, it's
getting kind of late.
What do you say we go
home and get some sleep?
( barking)
Eddie! Hey!
Come here, boy!
Hey, attaboy! Hey!
Good to see you, fella.
How you doing?
It might be nice if you
welcomed him back.
Hello, Eddie. Good dog.
Oh, wet dog!
Yeah, you're shivering.
Here. We got to
get you warmed up.
Dad!
That's a hundred percent
cashmere pullover!
It's meant to be worn
with the collar up.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Thank you!
PARAMOUNT PICTURES
( beer can opening)
What the hell are you doing?
Ironing your son's socks.
Why don't you just twist them
into little balls
like you do mine?
He says it bruises the cashmere.
He likes them pressed, folded,
then neatly arranged
in those sock dividers.
I saw them in a catalog once
but couldn't imagine
who in the world
would ever buy
such silly things.
Course, I hadn't
met Dr. Crane yet.
I used to think there'd been
some sort of mix-up
at the hospital.
Course, when Niles came along
it shot that theory all to hell.
Oh, Dad, Dad, please...
coaster.
Your beer is sweating.
So am I.
You want to shove one
of those under my can?
( doorbell rings)
If he could, he would.
Oh, Mrs. Greenway,
what a pleasant surprise.
I knew it. That's him.
Won't you come in?
I had to see him
again before I was sure
but now I'm positive.
That is the horny
little mixed breed
who got my Phoebe pregnant.
Hey, you can't just bust
in here accusing my dog.
Oh, it's him, all right.
I had to keep shooing him away
from Phoebe down at the park.
Look at him... he doesn't
care whose life he's ruined.
All he cares about is
his own selfish pleasure.
You know your
problem, Miss Dorthea?
You got a bad attitude. Oh!
That's why nobody
sits with you in the park.
Yes, but Mrs. Greenway,
there's no way that
Eddie could be the father.
He's been neutered.
Oh, really?
Well, then, how do
you explain these?
Oh, my god!
They're miniature Eddies!
Doctor, they're adorable.
Well, I'm glad you think
so, because they're yours.
Bad dog!
Look what you did!
Here, take these.
Dad, Dad, I expect
an explanation.
All this time I thought
Eddie had been fixed.
All you had to do was look.
I'm glad to say I've
never been that bored.
Oh, look!
Couldn't you just eat them up?
Oh, for God's sake,
please don't love them.
They'll think
they're staying here,
and keep them off the couch.
What were you thinking of
letting him run
free in the park?
Haven't you seen the way
he tries to romance
my towel warmer?
Look, he's cooped
up here all day.
When we go to the park,
I let him off the leash so
he can get a little exercise.
Apparently, that's
not all he got.
I think I've found the
perfect name for this one.
Stop!
Dogs only need
names if you're planning
to call them to you,
which we're not.
Oh, now, listen, you, you get
right back in there,
you mangy little thing.
My god.
All right. All right, now,
I've got to run down
to the radio station,
but believe me,
we're going to have
a discussion about
this when I get back.
Oh, relax, Frasier. I'll have
Eddie taken care of tomorrow.
Yes, well, you'd better.
Now, Daphne, give
me that box, please.
Where are you
taking the puppies?
To see if I can unload some
of them down at the station.
Oh, well, couldn't we
just keep them for a while?
No, no. We don't want
them taking after their father.
It may be too late already.
Oh, for God's sake.
Stop staring at me!
Hello, Roz. Don't
you look lovely?
I know what's in the
box, and I don't want one.
But I didn't say anything.
Betty from accounting
called to warn me.
Where did you find them, anyway?
In my living room.
These are Eddie's mongrel seed.
You don't know anybody
that wants six puppies, do you?
Six?
All right, Eddie.
Oh, please.
I've been traipsing up
and down the hallway
for an hour trying
to unload them.
I haven't had the
slightest bit of luck.
Well, Frasier, not
everybody likes dogs.
Take me... I'm a cat person.
I mean, it's not
like I'd ever buy
a cat mug or a cat
calendar or anything,
but I had a cat when
I was growing up.
We were almost inseparable.
Muffles or Scruffles...
Something like that.
You know, Roz
it's entirely possible that
there is a dog lover inside you
that's just dying to get out.
Don't you think so?
Come on, come on, come on.
Just take a look.
( high voice): Come on,
take a look, have a look.
Oh, he's adorable.
Oh, come here, little fella.
Oh...
aren't you the
cutest little thing?
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Give me kisses, give me kisses.
Oh, I love you, too.
There. Happy now?
Roz, how can you
just toss him aside
after such a tender
display of affection?
I can do it with men, too.
Come on, Frasier.
It's time to start the show.
Phil, puppy. Puppy!
They're all on to me.
All right, now, you
guys behave yourselves.
Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane
coming to you from
KACL 780 Talk Radio.
I'll be with you for
the next three hours.
So, Roz, who's our first caller?
We have Rita on line four.
She's feeling a little
overwhelmed at home.
Hello, Rita.
I'm listening.
Yeah, Dr. Crane?
Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm-I'm, uh...
Thank you for taking my call.
I-I-I tell you, I... I, uh...
I'm a... I am about
to lose my mind.
I am raising four
kids by myself.
The oldest one
is not even seven,
and the other three
are all under five.
Between cooking and
cleaning and changing diapers
and tripping over toys, I...
I feel sometimes like
I am about to snap.
What-What-What should I do?
Have you considered
getting a puppy?
Well, if we can't have this one,
are there any other
puppies available?
No.
We found homes
for all the others,
but thanks for coming over.
Bye, now.
But the children...
I mean, Dr. Crane said...
Well, don't toss a wobbly.
There are other dogs
in the world, you know.
Now give me that.
Thank you for coming over.
Thank you.
FRASIER: Thought you might like
some wine and pate.
I made some lemonade
for the children.
Where are the Thomasons?
Why is that dog still here?
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they
struck me as unfit guardians.
For God's sake.
He works at the zoo.
She's a nurse.
Billy's an altar boy and
Kathy is a campfire girl.
They had a dark aura.
They had a ten-acre farm.
If they'd have taken me,
I'd have gone with them.
Oh, I see.
So you want me to
give the little fella away
to just anybody?
( doorbell ringing)
Well, no, I'm not saying that.
It's just that he
can't stay here.
Oh, hello, Niles. Come on in.
Hope you don't
mind my stopping by
but Maris is hosting
the Women's League
senior yoga group, and, well...
old money in body stockings...
Say no more.
You're welcome to hide out here.
I see the kennel is still open.
Yes...
but that's the last one.
I'd even managed to
find a nice home for him,
but Daphne thought the
family wasn't nice enough.
Some pate, Niles?
I didn't reject them.
The dog did.
Canines have a very keen sense
of who's a nice
person and who isn't.
Why, many's the
time I've chosen a man
based solely
on the way me mum's
springer spaniel took to him.
Oh, Daphne, that
is preposterous...
Letting a dog choose your dates?
It's true.
If a dog likes a man
it's a good bet he's
warm and sensitive.
You know,
I really didn't get a good
look at this little tyke.
Come here, boy.
Come to your Uncle Niles.
Oh... oh!
Look at that.
He's taken quite a shine to you.
Yes. Happens all the time.
Daphne,
would you mind taking
the dog away, please.
Get back on the phone
with the Thomasons
and tell them
we've reconsidered.
Oh, all right, but only
for a two-week trial.
Thank you.
Come along, Basil.
I told you not to name them.
Oh, hello, Dad.
Afternoon, boys.
Dad, I seem to remember that
Eddie had a little appointment
down at the vet.
Can't help but notice
he still has that...
certain spring in his step.
Yeah, well, we-we
started heading down there,
but the traffic was
a bear, you know.
You get a sunny day in this town
and everybody
forgets how to drive.
You are going to
reschedule, aren't you?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll call in the morning.
This is the second time you've
canceled that appointment.
What seems to be the problem?
Oh, there's no problem.
What's the big deal?
I'll call tomorrow.
Relax, will you?
Oh...
Dear God, he's licking me!
Oh, Eddie.
Eddie, just stop.
Oh, Niles...
you have liver behind your ears.
Imagine. I must have
picked up a cracker
and inadvertently
scratched behind my ear.
So you're telling me
that you had a wad of
cold meat behind your ears
and you didn't feel it?
That's the story I'm
sticking with, yes.
Dad. Dad, listen, I
want your assurance
that you'll take care of this.
Fine.
You promise?
Hey, I said I'd
do it, and I will.
You don't have to pin
a note to my sweater.
Get off my back.
Anybody wants me,
I'll be down at Duke's.
You ever notice how
much faster he moves
when he's wrong?
Apparently, he's got some
sort of psychological block
against taking Eddie down there.
Guess I'm going
to have to do it.
Somebody has to be
responsible in this family.
All right, good boy.
Come on, let's go.
Eddie?
Oh...
Uh, Niles.
Oh.
Now, Eddie, it's a
routine operation.
They say it's almost painless,
although I can't imagine.
( softly): No, Niles.
Perhaps it's best we
don't discuss the operation.
We might spook him.
Excuse me?
Are you saying he
understands me?
Well, he understands
the word b-a-t-h.
God knows how much English
he's picked up.
Fine. Tu tournes a droit.
Ah, bon, bon.
Je marcherai derriere lui.
Mais, tu es celui
qui va l'amener
chez le medecin pour le...
snip-snip.
Ah. C'est vrais, mais...
Oh, what are we doing?
Eddie, come here.
This is ridiculous.
Oh... oh, look at him.
Wait a minute, wait!
What are you staring at?
You know why
you're here, don't you?
Well, now, listen,
it's for your own good.
Believe me, you'll be
much happier afterwards.
Look, your day-to-day routine...
It'll be exactly the same.
You'll be able to sleep,
run around with
your little buddies
and go play in the
woods and chase the birds
lick your...
Did I mention sleep?
You got a lot of
nerve, you know that?
You all right, boy?
Well, of course,
he's all right, Dad.
Why are you so upset?
I'm only doing this
to help you out.
Oh, that's a load of crap.
Look, we agreed that
this had to be done, right?
Now, you seem to have a
problem with it, so I took charge.
Well, I don't need
you taking charge.
Eddie's my dog, so mind
your own damn business.
And here's something
else you should know...
I don't need your
help, and I don't want it.
Why are you so upset?
It doesn't matter who
brought him down here.
Oh, yes, it does.
I'm perfectly capable
of taking care of it,
just like I feed him, walk
him and give him his bath
Eddie! Oh, no!
See what you did.
Me?
Okay, thanks.
Oh, and listen,
uh, Daphne's here
in case anybody sees him.
I got the guys at the station
circulating Eddie's picture.
I'm going to go out and
look for him some more.
Oh, come on now.
You've done enough.
Why don't you just sit
still and drink your tea.
I hate tea.
Humor me.
In an emergency, it's
all I know how to do.
That's a real comfort, coming
from a health care provider.
Dad, I'm sorry.
There was no luck at the pound.
They said they'd
call if they find a dog
matching Eddie's description.
A $500 reward for Eddie?
You sure it's enough?
Right now it's about 500 more
than I'd pay to get you back.
Look, Dad, I said I was sorry.
Well, I just can't sit here.
I'm going back to the park.
The park again?
What makes you think
he's gonna show up there?
Because that's his hangout.
Didn't you ever have
a place like that...
Somewhere where you
went to meet women?
A place where you got lucky?
Well, I suppose so, yeah.
Didn't you go back?
To the park!
This time we'll comb
every inch of that place...
Every tree, every bush.
Daphne, we're going
to need more help,
so call Niles
and tell him we'll pick him up.
Oh, yes, wouldn't want
to go out into the wild
without one of the
world's great outdoorsmen.
Oh, well... this is odd.
I've just got one
of me psychic flashes.
It's about Eddie.
Well? It doesn't make
any sense.
All I'm getting is
a picture of Eddie
sitting with Dr. Crane.
Any luck?
I couldn't find him.
Where's Niles?
We split up to
cover more ground.
Well, scrunch down.
If Eddie comes back
and sees you here,
he'll run away again.
You know, Dad, maybe
we ought to call it a night.
You've been sitting in
this car for three hours.
Aw, that's nothing.
I was on a stakeout
once for 15 hours
without ever
getting out of the car.
We had a contest to see
who could last the longest.
The winner was "Canteen" McHugh.
Know why we called him that?
I think I can guess.
'Cause his bladder was
the size of a canteen.
Thank you for clearing that up.
You could have slung his
bladder over your shoulder
and gone on a 20-mile forced
march through the desert.
Big, huh?
Isn't that what
I've been saying?
Hey, close that window!
It's freezing.
Oh, Dad, it's like a
blast furnace in here.
Well, I'm cold, okay?
At my age, you get cold easily.
Right.
You know, Dad,
I've just developed
a very interesting
theory about you.
If I begged you, would
you share it with me?
If that's your
attitude, just forget it.
( phone ringing)
Hello?
Oh, Niles!
Did he find him?
Just a second.
Niles, let me put you
on speaker phone here.
Hang on.
Okay, go ahead, Niles.
I'm out here in the middle
of the park, and I'm lost.
Thank God for my cellular.
Did you see Eddie?
No, but I thought
I saw a raccoon.
When I stopped running,
I had no idea where I was.
You've got to help me.
All right, all right,
Niles, just remain calm.
Let me think back to
my Boy Scout training.
All right... now... uh...
we're on the northeast
corner of the park...
All right, look into the heavens
and see if you can
spot the north star.
Then you want to turn
12 degrees to your right...
Oh, for God's sake!
Just walk towards the horn.
( horn honking)
I hear it.
I hear it, Dad.
I-I'm walking.
All right, just
keep following it.
( horn honking)
I-I see a grove of trees
and a fountain, and...
a horrible, wretched,
hunchbacked old man.
Stay away from me!
No, no, it was just a bush.
( horn honking)
Okay, okay, things are
beginning to look familiar now.
Keep honking.
( horn honking)
I think I'm homing in.
Yes, I'm quite
sure this is the way.
Okay, you can hang up now.
That was a harrowing experience.
Yeah, a shrub and a
raccoon in one night
and you lived to tell about it.
Dad, I'm sorry.
I couldn't find Eddie.
I hope you understand.
I think I'd like to go home now
and hold my wife.
That is, if she'll let me.
I'll just hail a cab.
Be sure to call us from
the curb when you get there
so we know you're safe.
Hey, you're probably tired, too.
If you want to go
with him, that's okay.
No, that's all right, Dad.
I'll stay for a while longer.
Look, I'm sorry I cut
you off like that before.
I've just never gone in for that
psychological mumbo jumbo.
Probably started back
on the force when they'd
make us go see The Squirrel.
Who?
Dr. Bergman, the
department shrink.
We nicknamed him "The Squirrel"
'cause guys got sent to
him when they got squirrelly.
He'd show you a
bunch of inkblots
and ask you about
your toilet habits.
If I wanted to talk
about toilet habits,
I would have stayed partners
with Nate Dembrowski.
We nicknamed him "the big...
Thank you.
Look, it wasn't just
Eddie I was mad about.
Eddie was the straw that
broke the camel's back.
Seems like I'm always being told
to take my feet
off the furniture,
put a coaster under my beer,
turn the TV down...
I used to make the rules,
and now I have to follow them.
Is this making any sense to you?
Well, from a psychological
standpoint, it
makes perfect sense.
Slowly, over the years,
your responsibilities have
been taken away from you
and you... well, you feel...
symbolically castrated.
Oh, why does everything with
you shrinks start in the crotch?
All right, all right.
Well, maybe my
rules are too rigid.
Maybe I should
try to relax a little.
No. Hey, it's your house.
You do what you want.
I don't know what's bugging me.
I guess it's not easy
for a guy like me
to not be in charge.
You know, Dad, a lot of people
confuse not being in charge
with not being respected.
I... hope you're not
making that mistake.
'Cause you command
a great deal of respect.
There's not a day in my life
when I don't hold myself up
to the Martin Crane yardstick.
I guess a son always wants
to make his father proud.
Yeah, I guess.
So...
Yeah, yeah, you're doing fine...
even if you are a
big pain in the ass.
You know, I don't know if
I could have made Eddie
go through with that
operation anyway.
It's a tough thing for a
guy to do to another guy.
Amen to that.
You know, it's
getting kind of late.
What do you say we go
home and get some sleep?
( barking)
Eddie! Hey!
Come here, boy!
Hey, attaboy! Hey!
Good to see you, fella.
How you doing?
It might be nice if you
welcomed him back.
Hello, Eddie. Good dog.
Oh, wet dog!
Yeah, you're shivering.
Here. We got to
get you warmed up.
Dad!
That's a hundred percent
cashmere pullover!
It's meant to be worn
with the collar up.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Thank you!