Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 1 - Slow Tango in South Seattle - full transcript

FRASIER: Hello, Steven.

I'm listening.

STEVEN: Well,
you see, Dr. Crane,

My wife Tracy and
I are having a baby,

and I know we're getting
a little ahead of ourselves,

but there seems to be
a lot of different advice

about whether it's okay

to let your kid climb into
bed with you in the morning...

Ah! Stop right there,
Steven. It's okay.

All relationships require

that kind of close and
undivided attention.



Isn't that so, Roz?

Uh-huh.

STEVEN: But, um, what if you

and your wife enjoy, you know,
making love in the morning?

Oh, trust me.

After the baby comes, that
won't be an issue anymore.

This is Dr. Frasier
Crane on KACL.

We'll be back after
these messages.

Roz!

How can you

be reading now?

Oh, I don't know.

It's something I picked
up in elementary school

and it stuck.



Just what is it
that's so captivating?

Slow Tango in South Seattle.

Oh, God, not you too.

Why is it that every woman I
see is carrying that book around?

Because it's
impossible to put down.

Look... read the
first paragraph.

I guarantee you'll be hooked.

"There are tangos

"that come flowing from
the wine-colored sea,

"from the rust of a
hundred sunken ships.

This is one of those dances."

Well?

There are books

that make your
stomach rumble and lurch

and thrust your
lunch ever upward.

This is one of those books.

You men are all alike.

You have no soul.

Oh, please...

Except for this one,

the future Mr. Roz
Doyle: Thomas Jay Fallow.

Oh, my God, it's him.

What, do you know him?

Yes. Yes, he used to drop
into a neighborhood bar

I frequented back in Boston.

He's a bit pretentious, though.

He stuck out like a sore thumb.

You used to drink with
Thomas Jay Fallow?

Well, actually, I
spent most of my time

helping him get
through his writer's block.

In the future I'll remember

to use my powers for
good and not for evil.

Well, I don't care what
you think about him.

He's coming here to
the station tomorrow

to be on Amber
Edwards' "Book Chat,"

and you're going to
introduce us. Oh, no, no, no,

I can't see him.

I'll have to tell him how
much I liked his book.

You know how hard it is

to lie to someone's face.

Oh, no. It's easy for someone

as bright and charming
and articulate as you.

Well... perhaps you're right.

See how easy it is?

( Eddie snarling)

DAPHNE: Eight...

Nine...

Stop it, Eddie.

Oh, he just wants
to play! Huh, boy?

Yeah, well, therapy
is not a game.

Stop it. Stop it, I said!

( doorbell rings)

If he keeps this up,

there's no point in us going
on with these exercises.

Attaboy!

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

Hey, Niles.

Oh, doing your exercises, I see.

Yes, and if someone
doesn't let us get on with them,

he's going to get a
little spank on his fanny.

Don't-don't-don't let me...

unless you want to...

I mean... ( clears throat)

What's up?

Ah, well... ( clears throat)

When I brought you a beer
in your room the other day,

I couldn't help but notice

that you had pictures
of Frasier and Frederick

and an autographed one

from someone named
Ken Griffey Jr., but...

none of Maris and me,
so I brought you this.

Oh, gee, thanks.

What's Maris doing
wearing jodhpurs?

She hasn't taken up
horseback riding, has she?

No, no. She wanted to,

but unfortunately, her
little quadriceps are so tight,

she's incapable of straddling

anything larger
than a border collie.

I can't believe this.

I simply cannot believe it.

What are you yapping about?

This... this book...

It was written by a man I knew.

He's taken an incident
from my own life...

Something I shared with
him in confidence one night...

And he's turned it
into this-this trash!

Slow Tango?

I just started reading that.

You mean to tell me that
young man is based on you,

Dr. Crane?

Yes, he is,

but did Thomas Jay Fallow
have the grace to thank me? No!

My name isn't even listed
in his acknowledgments!

What's it about, anyway?

That is not important.

It's about his first time.

Thank you, Daphne.

Your first time doing what?

Changing a flat tire.

Oh... Oh!

So this whole
book's about the night

you conceived Frederick?

Very amusing, Dad.

I'll have you know

that was not my first time.

I happen to know it
wasn't your only time.

( Niles laughing)

Just who was this
charitable lass?

That is not important.

His piano teacher.

His piano teacher?!

Thank you again, Daphne.

Well, it's not
like it's a secret.

I mean, it's all right
there in black and white,

about your awkward
teenage lunging,

and how you used
to call your chest hair

your "rug of love."

FRASIER: Well,
not all of it's true.

He did take some
literary license.

Oh, then you're not really
able to bring a woman

"to hidden realms of ecstasy
with your panther-like prowess"?

Well, that part he got right.

Boy, this really
fries me, you know...

That woman taking
advantage of my kid.

Not to mention I was putting out

ten bucks a week
for piano lessons

so you could get
your hedge trimmed.

Wait a minute.

We're not talking
about Miss Warner?!

Don't tell me this was going
on during your lessons too?

No. You'll be relieved to know

that while Frasier was
getting his Rachmaninoffs,

I was actually studying music.

( laughing)

Now, look...

this was not some
tawdry older woman

lusting after young flesh.

Clarice and I cared
for each other.

She showed me a
world I'd never known...

and wouldn't know again
for six and a half years.

DAPHNE: You know, it's true.

As Mr. Fallow put it,

she saw your
sensitive, poetic side

and you couldn't
help noticing the way

her ripe, heaving bosom
would brush your cheek

when she reached
for the metronome.

How can a man
who drank so heavily

remember so much?

And yet he still
conveniently forgot

who told him the story.

Yes, well, he's going to
get a little reminder today.

No, no, no...!

Give it to me! Give it to me!

I want to see it! I want
to see it! Give it to me!

"I budded when you kissed me.

"I withered when you left me.

I bloomed a few months
while you loved me."

Would you calm down?

Not until I have exacted
my pound of flesh.

Well, could you at least wait
until I get my book signed?

Well, here, let
me sign it for you.

It's my story!

Oh, give me that! Stop it!

Look, Roz, Roz,

you haven't told anyone
about this, have you?

They'd have a field day with me.

Frasier, give me credit
for a little discretion,

will you?

Hey, piano boy.

Way to pound those ivories.

Bulldog, Bulldog, listen, I...

It's imperative that this
not be commonly known.

Hey, hey, Doc, it's no big deal.

Anything for you?

I still got some feeling on
the other side of my head.

Look... I had a similar
experience when I was 16,

with an older woman

who introduced me to
the mysteries of love.

Of course, she was a hooker.

Hey!

It was a birthday present
from my dad, okay?

You want to know
the ironic thing, Doc?

All I wanted was a bike.

Oh, come on, Frasier.

How could you expect
me not to tell anybody?

You can't keep something
like that all bottled up.

I only told one person.

Hello, Frasier, Roz.

Hi, Gil. Hi, Gil.

Oh! I was just finishing
my restaurant review

for my show this afternoon,

when I came up with
a perfect sandwich

to name after you

at Rosenthal's Deli:

"Frasier Crane's Double-Decker."

It consists of aged
pheasant, spring chicken

and, of course,
plenty of tongue.

"I wept as our bodies
made the music of love."

"I'm your rhapsody.

Play me."

"Crescendo, my young
maestro, crescendo."

"My vessel yearns to dock

in the magnificence
of your harbor."

( laughing)

Hey, that's not in the book.

One thing I must ask you:

What was your inspiration

for this poignant love story?

Oh! Oh! Quiet, quiet!
It's his last chance.

Well, Amber, it was actually
given to me... by God.

By "God"?!

Do you believe this
guy's grandiosity?

I'm God, and he knows it.

We'll be right back

with the divinely-inspired
Thomas Jay Fallow

right after this station break.

Will you excuse me?

I want to call my husband

and see if he can
take a long lunch.

Thomas Jay Fallow?

Frasier!

Frasier Crane!

I can't believe it.

I see my name hasn't entirely
escaped your sieve-like memory.

Why would it?

Well, it didn't make it into
your list of acknowledgments,

you... you egomaniacal thief!

You read my book.

I didn't have to
read it. I lived it!

Not that anybody would know that

from reading your three
pages of acknowledgments

in which you mention everyone
from your kindergarten teacher

to the man who
designed the typeface.

But no mention of me... no!

I'm only the man
who gave you the story

which you have
ruthlessly merchandised

into this million-dollar
treacle machine!

I'm finished now.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know

how I-I could have
been so thoughtless.

I owe you everything.

Oh, no. No, no...

No.

Oh, my God, Frasier,

what did you do to the poor man?

Thomas, what happened?

Frasier made him cry.

NILES: Maris is reading
Slow Tango in South Seattle.

I think it's put
thoughts in her head.

This morning I found her cooing

over the college student
who skims the koi pond.

I wouldn't concern myself.

So you think it's
just innocent flirting?

No, I just wouldn't
concern myself.

( door opens)

MARTIN: Hey, Frasier.

Hi, Dad, Niles.

NILES: Frasier, congratulations.

Maris was listening
to "Book Chat"

during her seaweed wrap,

and heard Thomas
Jay Fallow acknowledge

his enormous debt to you.

Yes, I had a little chat
with him this afternoon.

Did he seem properly contrite?

I made him cry.

That's my boy!

( laughing)

You must be feeling
pretty good, huh?

Actually, Dad,
the entire incident

has left me
strangely unsatisfied.

I don't know, I still feel

sort of empty.

I don't know, I've been...

turning it around
in my mind all day.

God, you kill me, you know?

You get exactly what you want,

and you're still not happy.

Frasier, life is not hard.

You make it hard.

You don't just let things
happen and enjoy it.

You got to analyze
everything to death.

You know, you could
learn a big lesson

from this dog here.

You know what makes him happy?

A sock.

Come on, Eddie.

Ignore him.

Obviously, what's troubling you

goes deeper than
your usual malaise.

DAPHNE: Shame on you!

What for? What for?!

You just ran out on her,
"leaving her bed as empty

as a swallow's nest
after fall's first frost."

And you ask me "What for?"

FRASIER: Well, I'd
just been accepted

to Harvard.

What else was I going to do?

Oh, so you just leave
in the middle of the night

without so much as a
kiss on the forehead.

You never said
good-bye to Miss Warner?

She was sleeping so peacefully.

She had an early lesson!

I left a rose on her pillow.

Aha.

Aha, what?

Aha, this. I have a theory.

Well, why else
would you say "Aha"?

No, no, no, just listen:

You thought you were
angry at Thomas Fallow

for failing to thank you

for the contribution
you made to his life.

But perhaps the person
you're really angry at is yourself.

You never thanked Miss Warner

for the contribution
she made to your life.

I was only 17 years old.

I'm sure she understood.

Mmm, well, perhaps she didn't.

She was a vulnerable,
lonely, middle-aged woman.

It is possible that
her feelings for you

ran deeper than you realized...

Feelings which you crushed
when you disappeared

without so much as a
thank you or a good-bye.

Yes, well, thank
you and good-bye.

All right... fine.

I'll just leave you
with this thought:

Your encounter with
Thomas Jay Fallow

was unsatisfactory because
it failed to provide you

with the closure
you were seeking.

For that you will have to
make amends with Miss Warner.

Aha.

Very funny, Dad!

"He had been a teenage Balboa,

"an explorer of
the rising pinnacles

"and gently curving
slopes of my body

"and in one explosive
burst of discovery

"he had staked claim
to the Pacific Ocean

"that was my soul.

"But now he was leaving,

"going,

"vanishing like a solitary
boat on the lonely horizon,

"departing like a train,

"rolling ceaselessly
through the night,

exiting swiftly like..."

"...and so he was gone."

"And now, in the
cool of the evening,

"I play my piano,

"and his last words
resonate through the notes.

"'I'll come back to
you, my cherished one.'

"But he never did

"and all that remains of
him are the withered petals

of the rose he left
upon my pillow."

( piano playing Strauss'
"The Blue Danube")

Clarice.

Time...

the subtle thief of youth.

( knocking)

( stops playing)

Hello.

May I help you?

Miss Warner?

Yes.

I... I'm Frasier Crane.

I'm sorry.

My memory's not
what it used to be

but, please, come in.

Would you like to sit down?

Uh, yes, I would.

So...

we know each other?

Well...

we were friends.

More than friends, actually.

You really don't remember?

I'm trying.

You must have some recollection.

A fair-haired boy
outside your door?

At the piano?

On the piano?

No, I'm sorry.

Well, listen,

before the memories come
flooding back to you, um...

I should tell you that we had

a romance that, uh, didn't
have the happiest of endings.

Oh.

That's why I'm here.

Our last evening together,

we walked through
a summer storm,

and I... kissed the
raindrops off your nose

Ah!

And promised

that we'd always be together.

But I broke that promise.

You helped a shy
adolescent take his first

uncertain steps
toward becoming a man

and how did I
repay that kindness?

By running off and leaving you
with nothing but your memories.

And not many of those either.

Can you ever forgive me?

Oh, you're so sweet.

Of course I can forgive you.

Oh, thank you.

It's such a relief to
get that off my chest.

WOMAN: Mother?
Mother, I'm going now.

You run along, Clarice.

Clarice?!

Oh, excuse me.

Dear,

this is Frasier Crane.

Apparently we were
quite an item once.

Frasier Crane?

Well, what are you doing here?

Obviously making
an enormous mistake.

Mother, would you get
us some iced tea, please?

She's getting rid of
me, but I'll be back.

My God!

Well, I can't
believe you're here.

I mean, it's got to be 20...

Twenty-five.

25 years.

And look at you.

Look at you.

You look incredible.

Well, sure, compared
to my mother.

No.

That's...

that's not what I mean.

You look...

stunning.

Well, thank you.

Well, and you, you've,

you've become a
very handsome man.

And successful too.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

You're here

because of that
book, aren't you?

Yes, and I'd like to
apologize right off.

I told that story

to Mr. Fallow in confidence.

It was never
meant to be in print.

There's no need to apologize.

That was a... a
lovely time in my life.

It was

nice to relive it.

So...

are you married?

Divorced.

You?

I never married.

I-I came here to apologize

about more than just the book.

I never felt quite right
about the way I left things.

I abandoned you.

It was selfish and cowardly.

Oh, Frasier, relax.

I always felt guilty
for shortchanging you

on your music lessons.

Do you still keep it up?

Oh, the piano, yes.

Yes.

See, I, you know

I was so nervous
about coming here,

and now it feels like old times.

Sit at middle C.

Ah.

Then...

the metronome.

( rhythmic ticking)

I, well, maybe I, maybe
I should get going.

Uh...

Clarice, uh...

at the risk of sounding
a little forward,

would you like to have
a cup of coffee with me?

Oh, thanks, but
I'll have to say no.

If you're worried about
the age difference,

believe me, that's
no longer an issue.

( knock at door)

Hi, honey. Ready to go?

I'll be right out.

Are you and he, uh...?

Uh-huh.

I wasn't interested in
40-year-old men then,

and I guess I'm still not.

It's great to see
you again, though.

Bye, Mom!

MOTHER: Good.

Now we're alone.

You see what I did?

I put a raindrop on my nose.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, Seattle!

We love you!