Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 24 - My Coffee with Niles - full transcript

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NILES: Calm down, dear.

No. Calm down, listen.

Take a left, then
the second right

then a left again.

Okay.

Okay. Good-bye, sweetheart.

Is Maris lost again?

Yes, she wandered into
the kitchen by mistake.

I had to talk her back
to the living room.

Ah.



It's kind of busy.

Any chance of getting a table?

Uh, not at the moment.

Table by the window received
their check five minutes ago

but they've been just sitting
there yammering away ever since.

I've been shooting them dirty
looks, but they haven't budged.

Oh, well, show me the look.

They're there for a while.

In the meantime, shall
we go ahead and order?

Oh, why not? Yes.

What are your coffees today?

Zimbabwe and Kenya.

I'll have a Zimbabwe latte.

I'll have a Kenya cappuccino.



So, what's new? Well,
Yoshi the gardener

finally won the
battle of the wills.

He got Maris to
dig up her camellias

so he could put in that
precious Zen garden

he's been hocking
us about since last fall.

How did it turn out?

Oh, it's beautiful.

It's the perfect
place for meditation.

Yesterday, I found Maris
smack dab in the middle

sitting in the lotus position.

Well, good for her.

Apparently, it's bringing
out her spiritual side.

I'm not so sure.

She was reading a
Danielle Steele novel

and making a nail appointment
on her cellular phone.

Do you realize that
today marks a year

since I moved here from Boston?

Really? A year?

It seems like yesterday
Dad moved in with you.

Isn't it funny how
two people can have

distinct opposite
impressions of the same event.

Look at them just sitting there

like they own that table.

Maybe if we both
give them the look.

It's worth a try.

NILES: It worked!

It worked!

Niles, I'll never
doubt you again!

Try the look on that table.

I'm going to the men's room.

All right.

Maddening.

What is it now?

They have a new
moisturizer dispenser

in the men's room, and
the cream is entirely too oily

so I had to re-wash my hands,
and wouldn't you know it?

That's when the hot air hand
dryer chooses to break down.

How do you get through the day?

Here you go, Zimbabwe and Kenya.

Excuse me. Did I say decaf?

No, you didn't.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, if I drink
the regular stuff

it will keep me
tossing and turning

all through my
brother's conversation.

No problem. Thank you.

Well, Niles, it doesn't
look like anybody's leaving.

Why don't we take
a table outside.

Why not?

I'm feeling alfresco.

Oh, how does Mrs.
Fresco feel about that?

Must be a riot on camping trips.

Would you like a...?

No.

So, Frasier, now that
chapter two of your life

is in full swing

would you mind if I
asked you something?

No. Go right ahead.

Are you happy?

Did you hear the question?

Yes, I'm thinking.

It's a deceivingly
complex question.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is. No, it's not.

Either you're
happy or you're not.

Are you happy?

No, but we're not
talking about me.

Let's just not gloss over
that... You, my only brother

have just told me
that you're not happy

and it pains me to hear that.

Why?

I was watching PBS the
other night in my study

and they were showing
this documentary

on the Great Depression.

Vintage Steinbeck.

Desperately poor people
escaping the dust bowl

their meager possessions
strapped to rickety old trucks

heading to what they
thought was their salvation.

Then there was this scene
of this scruffy little boy

being handed a
brand-new pair of shoes

by the Salvation Army.

Frasier, if you could have
seen the look on that boy's face.

It was a look of pure
and utter happiness.

I have never experienced
that kind of happiness

not in my whole life.

Not even when I bought
these $400 Bruno Maglis.

Do you like them?

Well, they're very nice.

What about the tassels?

I'm not really much
of a tassel guy.

No, neither am I.

But nevertheless,
there they are.

Oh, I have no
reason to be unhappy.

I have my health.

I have a wonderful
home, a beautiful wife.

Did your eyebrow just move?

I don't think so.

I have my practice.

Although lately, I've
lost track of the ideals

that led me to psychiatry
in the first place.

Look who I'm talking to...

Psychiatry's answer to
the drive-through window.

Do you know...

sometimes, I wonder if
I'm not just in psychiatry

for the money.

Oh, I wouldn't say that's true.

If it were... Oh.

What? What were
you going to say?

No, no, I'd rather not. Well,
there's no need to, actually.

I think I know what
you were getting at.

You've been wanting
to ask me this for years.

Did I marry Maris for the money?

I resent that.

I did not marry
Maris for the money.

It was just a delightful bonus.

So you really do love her?

Of course I love her.

But it's a different
kind of love.

You mean, it's not human?

No, no.

I mean, it doesn't burn

with the passion and
intensity of a Tristan and Isolde.

It's more comfortable,
more familiar.

Maris and I are old friends.

We can spend an
afternoon together...

Me at my jigsaw puzzle,
she at her autoharp...

Not a word spoken between
us and be perfectly content.

I'm told it was a lot
like that near the end

in the Hitler household.

Oh, fine. Well,
let's shift the subject

back to where it belongs.

This whole thing
started with me asking

whether you were happy.

And don't think about
it this time, just answer.

ROZ: Hey, guys. Well...

Oh, hi, Roz. Hello, Roz.

What are you doing here?

Well, I always wanted
to learn to fly a jet

and today they're offering a
special on jet-flying lessons

so I thought I'd come by
and take advantage of it.

I came here to get coffee.

Thanks for stopping by.

I'd have been mad if you didn't.

I'm also meeting someone here.

Oh, let me guess. A man?

Yes. Yes.

The new guy from
the news department

Andy Winslow...
he's really cute.

He caught me checking him out

when he was bending
over the water fountain.

Ah, love at first sight.

Anyway, he said, "Why
don't we get some coffee

and get to know each other?"

I don't know, Frasier,
I've got a strange feeling

that this guy might be the one.

Oh, Roz, honey...

you say that about
every guy you meet.

Let's just see if
this one calls back.

Yeah, I guess.

You know, I don't
think he's here yet.

I think I'll go snag a table.

Good luck.

Bye, Roz.

Yeah.

I don't think she likes me.

Niles, it isn't a question
of liking or not liking.

She despises you.

Really?

Why should I warrant
such strong emotions?

I barely acknowledge
her existence.

I think you may be on to
something there, Sherlock.

She is comely in a
back alley sort of way.

Roz? Yes, she's very attractive.

Did you ever think about
you two, you know...?

Roz and me?

Oh, no, no, no.

You've never fantasized
about stealing away

to some cheap little
motel with her and...?

Well, I'm a man
with normal urges

and she does have a silk
blouse that falls open a bit

when she leans over
the cart rack, but, uh...

oh, mixing work with romance...

I don't know, is
it ever worth it?

Don't ask me... you're the one

that looked down her blouse.

Decaf Zimbabwe latte.

Is that non-fat milk?

No.

Oh, I hate to be a bother.

It's just that I'm
watching my fat intake...

What is that, rain?

No, God is crying.

Can't I ask a simple question?

Do you ask any other kind?

Hey, how the hell
did she get a table?

Oh, Frasier, Frasier, there.

Oh!

Frasier, Frasier!

Oh, Niles, Niles, Niles.

Oh, good block.

Sorry.

Good work there, Niles.

I think I just wanted it
a little more than he did.

Yes.

Oh, boy, it's really
coming down.

What, what?

Oh, it's just...

something that happened
the other morning.

I asked Dad to pass
me a bran muffin.

You know what he said to me?

He said, "What's
the magic word?"

You're kidding.

He didn't think it
was very amusing

when I said, "Rest home."

NILES: Oh, oh, oh!

Look, look, look, look.

That must be Roz's
coffee companion.

Wow, he's really
handsome, isn't he?

"Wow"?

Did you say wow?

Good Lord, I did.

I don't think I've ever said wow

in describing
another man before.

Wonder if that means something.

Oh, absolutely.

It means you're a gay man.

Your life with Maris

is a big charade

and you should have come
out of the closet years ago.

You want to tell Dad or shall I?

MARTIN: This was stupid.

This whole idea
was stupid, admit it.

It was not stupid.

You needed your exercise.

What was stupid was

that you came out
without your bumbershoot.

It's called an umbrella.
Speak English, can't you?

I'm sorry, sir. No dogs allowed.

What?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay.

Oh, Niles?

Hello, Dad.

So, Dad, what are
you two doing here?

Well, I thought we
needed some exercise

and I had to come down here

to pick up some beans
anyway, so we walked.

Well, two of us walked.

One of us had to be
dragged by his collar.

Hey, I told you I didn't want
to come in the first place.

Look at me... I'm going
to die of pneumonia.

Oh, you'll outlive us all.

The cranky ones always do.

Dad, let's get you
something hot to drink.

You want a cappuccino,
a latte or something?

Can I help you?

Uh, coffee, black

and don't put
anything fancy in it.

We have two special
coffees today...

I'll surprise you.

Oh, joy.

There's nothing like
the smell of a wet dog

to work up the
appetite for supper.

Look at us... We're
soaked to the skin.

You're in a fine mood today.

And by the way, you
left a mess in the kitchen.

I had a piece of toast.

Yeah, and you didn't use
a plate like I asked you to.

You buttered it on the counter.

I know because you
left a bunch of crumbs

and toast sweat there.

Toast sweat?

Yes, yes.

When you put a piece of
hot toast on any surface

it tends to leave little
droplets of dew behind.

Haven't you heard Dad's
lecture on the evils of toast sweat?

It's the scourge of our times.

One coffee, black.

And a decaf, non-fat
Zimbabwe latte.

Oh, dear, is that
cinnamon on that foam?

You know, as long as we're
picking each other's scabs here

I found another one
of Eddie's chew toys

in my sweater
cubby the other day.

Hair all over my
favorite pullover.

I know he sleeps in
there when I'm not home.

Serves you right for
keeping your sweaters

in a place called a "cubby."

Oh! Well, that's it.

My bedroom is
off-limits to this flea bag.

He's not a flea bag!

Hey, Dad, how
about those Mariners?

Shut up, Niles.

Look, who are we kidding?

If my hip's good enough
to get me down here

then maybe it's just time
that I found a place of my own.

Well, where will you go?

Don't worry about
me. I'll find a place.

I've got a little
money saved up.

I never wanted to move
in with you in the first place

FRASIER AND MARTIN: and the last
thing I want is to be a burden to anybody.

That's your brother's
smart-ass way

of telling me he's
heard this before.

Well, you won't
have to hear it again.

Come on, Eddie.

Tell Daphne to catch
up with us, will you?

Dad, please, we go through this

little melodrama at
least once a week.

Will you just sit down?
It's raining outside.

No, no. I'll pay for my own
coffee, too. How much is it?

$1.50.

For coffee?!

What kind of world
are we living in?!

NILES: Frasier,
are you all right?

You were in that
bathroom forever.

I tried that damn hand cream.

I was so oily, I couldn't even
get a grip on the doorknob.

I had to wait to be rescued.

Finally, when some guy came in

I said, "Oh, God,
am I glad to see you!"

I can't even begin to
describe the look he gave me.

There it is.

So, your brother tells me

you and your
father are at it again.

Oh, yeah. What's new?

I don't know what's
wrong with him.

Lately, he's had a face
as long as a wet weekend.

Yesterday, when I insisted
he do his stretching exercises

he told me I could stick me feet

behind me head
and spin like a top.

Oh, well, the best thing to do

is just ignore him
when he gets like that.

Isn't that right, Niles?

Niles?

I'm sorry, Frasier.

For some reason,
I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Well, I guess I
better go after him.

Oh, here.

Take my bumbershoot.

Oh, isn't that nice.

Well, at least someone
appreciates my mother tongue.

Yes, I've always had
an ear for your tongue.

Oh, Niles!

What did I say?

Want another coffee?

Not until I've had
my first one, thanks.

Why is it always so difficult
between me and Dad?

Oh, well, you might try looking
at it from Dad's point of view.

As a policeman, he was
in a position of authority.

That's been taken away from him.

Railing against the world

is his way of controlling

his ever-shrinking
sphere of influence.

Yes, well, I do
empathize with him.

It's just, I can't help wishing

I could just kick that
cane out from under him

once in a while...

and that he would land on Eddie.

Well, the simple
truth is, it's hard.

I know you're trying.

I am.

And you know, sometimes, I
do see the fruits of my labor.

Just the other night,
Dad was watching TV

and I'd fallen
asleep on the couch.

Suddenly, I stirred, I felt
something on my head

and Dad was standing
above me stroking my hair.

Dad?

Did he say anything?

Yeah, well, he
said, "Don't you think

"it's time you got a haircut?

You're starting
to look like Bozo."

I know he was only covering,
though, but what do you think?

Probably wouldn't
hurt to get it trimmed.

No. Do you think
he was covering?

Well, of course he was covering.

You know Dad...

Tough as nails on the outside

but on the inside,
one giant spike.

Grazie.

Excuse me. What about mine?

We've got a team of
specialists working on it.

Look, what do you say we
just change the subject from Dad

and talk about something
else? Absolutely.

Pick a new subject,
something light and frothy.

I agree.

Are you in love with Daphne?

That's a little frothier
than I had in mind.

That is preposterous.

I refuse to dignify that
question with an answer.

I don't know.

There, I said it. Are you happy?

Why did you have
to hire Venus herself?

Couldn't you find some beefy,
Eastern-European scrubwoman

who reeked of ammonia?

Well, I asked, but it
was an Olympic year.

The agency was fresh out.

Frasier

I can't get her out of my mind.

When I look at Daphne

she stirs a passion in me
I've never known before.

Niles, you're not
considering leaving Maris?

Certainly not.

Well, I suppose the
situation you're in

is that you'd like
to stay with Maris

but you'd like to have
an affair with Daphne.

Yes. Can I do that?

No, you can't.

I thought that I couldn't

but you got my hopes
up there for a minute.

Oh, it's easy for you...
You're free, you're happy.

Although, perhaps I'm
getting ahead of myself.

You haven't answered
that question yet.

Oh, I haven't answered it?

No, you haven't, and
I'm getting curious.

Are you happy?

Well, I guess the best way

I could think of saying it is...

ROZ: Oh, this sucks.

Well, what's the matter?

You think you're going
to sit down with somebody

and have a cup of coffee
and that they might...

Just might... Lead
you to something

like, oh, I don't know, a life?!

Suddenly, the trapdoor opens

and you're right
back in Roz's world.

How did it

go so wrong so quickly?

Simple... he didn't
want to date me.

He wanted to convert me.

I don't have anything
against religious people.

I don't care if they're Jewish

or a Jehovah's
Witness or a Buddhist.

I'm ecumenical.

I embrace men of all faiths.

If only it stopped there.

But he pretended he
was going to ask me out.

Now, isn't there a
commandment against that?

No, they didn't go into dating

until the New Testament.

Oh, Roz, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Why don't you join us?

No, no, thank you.

There's a cute new
handyman in my building.

Thought I'd just go home

slip into a negligee,
and rip out my faucet.

You think she's
kidding, don't you?

You know, I think
about Roz's life

and it makes me
wonder about my own.

I haven't been exactly

burning up the
social scene lately.

You'll find somebody.

But what if I don't?

What if I end up old and alone?

I might have to
buy a funny little dog

and move in with Frederick.

Well, I guess I don't have to
worry about that for a while.

Frederick should start
worrying about that.

In the meantime, you might try

answering my ever more
tedious original question.

Are you happy?

Well, I guess I'd have to say...

Hello, boys.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Dad, what are you
doing back here?

Oh, I don't know. I've...

I've been acting like a jerk
these last couple of days

and I've been taking it out
on you and Daphne and...

you know, all that stuff I said
earlier... just forget about it.

I already have.

Come on, Eddie.

Dad, Dad, listen

has something been
bothering you the last few days?

No, not really, no.

No, come on, come on.

Really, not a thing.

If something's
bothering you, just tell us.

Just say it.

Okay.

Last Sunday was my birthday.

Of course it was.

Frasier and I were
planning a big surprise party

but if we had thrown
it on your birthday

it wouldn't have
been a surprise.

Thus we waited a week.

So, surprise!

Oh, if you could see
the look on your face.

Just give it up, Niles.

Dad, I'm... I'm sorry.

Oh, no, really.

No, listen, here,
come and have a seat.

No. You know, I don't
know why I let it bother me.

All those years on the force

I missed enough of
you boys' birthdays.

You're entitled to
miss one of mine.

Oh, well... You know what?

Nothing's stopping us
from celebrating anyway.

We're going to take
you out to dinner tonight

and you can choose any place.

No. You don't need to do that.

Absolutely, absolutely,
you name the place.

Okay.

How about Hoppy's
Old Heidelberg?

Great. Oh, great!

They were voted
best bratwurst in town

for three years in a row.

Ach du lieber!

There you are.

I've been up and down
Third Street looking for you.

I was on Fourth Street.

Eddie had already
smelled everything on Third.

How did you know I was
coming back here anyway?

I had one of me psychic flashes.

Bang... there you were

walking in the front
door of Cafe Nervosa

and you were apologizing to me

for the way you've
treated me this past week.

Yeah, I'm sorry
about that, Daphne.

Just forget about it, all right?

And, uh, something
about a raise...

You're winging it
now, aren't you?

Am I that transparent?

No, I'm psychic.

Come on, now, we got to hurry up

'cause the boys
are taking us out

to Hoppy's Old Heidelberg
tonight for dinner.

Oh, great, German food!

We whip the Gerrys
twice this century

and they still
have the last laugh.

Well, Dad, I'd give you a ride

but I got to stop
by the station first.

Oh, that's okay,
I'll give him a lift.

Oh.

Frasier, as always, I've enjoyed

getting together
with you for coffee.

What do you guys
talk about all the time?

Oh, you know, sports,
chicks, monster truck rallies.

Okay, don't tell me.

Zimbabwe, decaf, non-fat
milk, no cinnamon in sight.

Now...

are you happy?

You know, in the greater
scheme of things...

yes, I'd say I am.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

See you next year! We love you!