Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 23 - Frasier Crane's Day Off - full transcript

I'm sorry, Blake.

When I told you to close your eyes
and imagine you're on an island,

I didn't realise you were calling
from your car phone.

(Blake) 'That's OK, Doc.
At least I know my airbags work.'

Well, I'm glad you're all right.
Thank you for your call.

Oh, look who's just
popped into the booth.

It's Gil Chesterton,
KACL's own food critic.

Which means it's my cue
to hit the road.

So until tomorrow,
this is Dr Frasier Crane

wishing you...a good day.

(Sneezes)



And...and good health.

- Hey, Frasier.
- Hello, Gil.

(English accent)
I heard you coughing on the air.

Are you coming down with something?
I got you this from Rosenthal's deli.

Chicken soup so lovingly prepared
even the chicken gets well.

That's very kind.

Of course, I'd never forget you, Roz.

Ladyfingers soaked in rum.

Much like her own.

(Frasier Coughs)

I hope this isn't the start of
that nasty flu that's going around.

If you want to take a couple of days off,
I'll cover your time slot.

- No, thank you. I'll be fine tomorrow.
- Okey-dokey.

But feel free to call me
if you change your mind.



Mmm... Plump, gooey
and guaranteed to rot your teeth.

Yes. I don't like
his phoney British accent much, either.

You sure got
a bug up your mike about Gil.

Nobody's that nice
unless they want something.

- He's just generous.
- He was generous to Bonnie Weems.

He bought her wine asking for her
time slot while she was on vacation.

Then she was banished
to the midnight-to-4am-slot.

- He's after our time slot?
- We should watch our backs.

Working from midnight to 4:00 am
would ruin your social life.

Those are your peak hours.

- You're just paranoid.
- No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. The man
just brought you chicken soup.

He'd be bribing the higher-ups.
They make the decisions.

Oh, Frasier. Oh, good, it's still here.
I'm so sorry. This is your soup.

This is the lobster Newburg
I bought for the station manager's cat.

I'll see you tomorrow, Roz.

This is gruesome! A partly decomposed
body just washed up in Puget Sound.

- That's good news.
- Pardon?

Bodies don't rise
till the weather gets warmer.

You get your first floater,
and spring's just around the corner.

(With a blocked nose)
Morning.

- You sound awful!
- It's just a little bug.

But you can't go to work.
You're all pasty and clammy and pale.

And coming from an English person,
that's bad.

You often said,
"lf you can walk, you can work."

Took an ironic twist
the day you got shot in the hip.

At least I had a real job.
Half your listeners

hear voices already
or talk to themselves.

If you don't show up,
who's going to notice?

I'm out of here.

But you really should stay home
and let me tend to you.

I'm a good nurse.
I mended my brothers' soccer injuries.

- I didn't play soccer.
- Neither did my hooligan brothers.

They got hurt
beating up drunken Dutchmen.

(Sneezes)

That'll look pretty
against the glass in your booth.

- Why don't you just stay home?
- Thank you, but I am a physician.

I am the best monitor of my condition.
I'm fine. Fit as a fiddle.

(Doorbell)

I'm sick!

We're back with "Restaurant Beat".
I'm Gil Chesterton filling in for Dr Crane.

We're talking to Louis. He's forgotten
tonight is his tenth anniversary.

Louis, I believe I've saved
your proverbial derrière.

I managed to secure you
a private booth at Maximilian's.

Promise me for dessert,
you'll have the Schwarzwaldkirschtorte.

- (Louis) 'The what?'
- Schwarzwaldkirsch...

Well, maybe you'd better
stick with the rainbow sherbet.

- 'Thank you! You saved my marriage.'
- Don't thank me.

I'm only here because
our dear Dr Crane is home with the flu.

(Gil)
'lf you're listening, Doc,

'all of us at KACL
want you to get better soon.'

I bet you do.

Time to check if the turkey's done.

Dad, you needn't sit with me all day.

Oh, no problem.
You need company when you're sick.

You never know when you'll croak.

Oh, boy, your temperature is up there.
101! You are a sick boy.

Thanks for reminding me.

The sickest I ever was was when they
shipped us back from Korea.

I got an oriental parasite. It was building
its own pagoda in my colon.

Thank you, Dad!

You know, you might try
some of my homeopathic tea.

It'll flush out your system
and make your hair more manageable.

- No, thanks.
- No! That wasn't the sickest I was.

It was when your mother and l
went to Mexico.

I was real careful about the water,
but I ate some lettuce.

Next thing you know, I'm spewing
both for accuracy and distance.

I spent the night curled up on the floor
screaming, "l want to die!"

Wouldn't that have been a tragedy?
You wouldn't be here now.

OK, I get the point.
I'll give you a little peace and quiet here.

Oh, no! One time, your mother left
the potato salad in the trunk of the car.

I'm still sick from that.

- Do you need anything else?
- Some more ginger ale, please.

- Very well.
- Oh, Daphne,

make it shaved ice, not cubes, OK?

And I don't like those straws.
Can I have the bendy kind?

And the Saltines, they're too salty.
I need the low-sodium.

Your wish is my command.

Hello, Daphne. Is he in pain?

Not enough.

Frasier, I brought you something.

Niles!
Put the hanky down, for God's sake!

- It's not the plague!
- All right.

This is from Marta, our maid.
It's a poultice to wear around your neck.

The recipe comes from her remote
mountain village in Guatemala.

I can see why her village is remote.

Yes, it is pungent, but... it helps
many villagers live to be over 100.

Marta herself is 78. You should see her

scramble up the stairs
when Maris rings!

(Phone)

- Oh, Niles, would you mind?
- Of course.

Oh, hello, Eddie.
For once, I'm actually glad to see you.

Here you are.

It's for you. It's Roz?

- Hello?
- (Roz) 'How do you feel?'

- Awful.
- I'm sorry to hear that

because you should get back here.

You were right about Gil, Frasier.
He's lobbying for our slot.

Millie in traffic overheard Gil
talking to the station manager,

saying our mid-afternoon time slot
is perfect for his show

because then
everyone is making dinner plans.

I knew it! Geez!
OK, Roz, I'll be there tomorrow.

You better be. I don't trust
that greedy, finger-licking runt.

- How am I doing?
- Fabulous.

OK, I'll be in tomorrow.

You can't be serious
about going in tomorrow.

Your pupils are dilated.
You have a fever.

In that condition,
you won't make it to the parking lot.

I just don't trust Gil Chesterton.
He's after my time slot.

Oh, Niles,
will you stop it with the alcohol?

I can't let that smarmy chowhound
do my show for another day.

Anybody would be better.

Niles, would you do my show for me?

That fever is making you delusional.

When you were sick, I met with your
"Fear of Intimacy" group.

I wasn't sick.
They were just getting too close.

You're right. It's a bad idea.

Doing my show
requires abilities you don't possess.

You have to be able
to size up your patients quickly

and dispense advice
in an entertaining and insightful manner.

This pathetic attempt
at reverse psychology is beneath you.

- Then you won't do it?
- No, I will.

And better than you
ever dreamed of doing it!

Here is the cough button
in case you need to cough.

And use this extra-long commercial
if you need a bathroom break.

Those won't be necessary.
I have no cough reflex

and excellent bladder control.

It's true.
All the good ones are married.

You're on soon.
Your first caller is Marcia.

Marcia.

"Hello, Marcia, I'm listening."
That's trite.

"Hello, Marcia. Tell me where it hurts."
No. "Hello, Marcia, I hear you."

- Good afternoon, Seattle.
- Oh, yes. Hello!

This is Dr Niles Crane filling in
for my ailing brother, Frasier Crane.

Although I feel qualified to fill Frasier's
radio shoes, I should warn you

that while Frasier is a Freudian,
I am a Jungian,

so there'll be no blaming mother today.

OK, Roz, who's my first caller?

Marcia. She's in love
with her husband's brother.

This day promises not to disappoint.

Hello, Marcia, let's get better.

(Niles) 'Before we get deeper
into your problem,

'why don't I give you
a little historical background.

'The psychiatrist Sigmar Brom,
that's B-r-o-m, no 'h',

'in the late 1950s, wrote extensively
on the problem you're facing,

'which is amazing when you realise
Brom was a prominent Reichian.'

He's terrible!

And so are you.
Your temperature's up to 103.

Let it go up to 105.
I couldn't be better. My time slot is safe.

Niles is as dry as this toast
you brought me...with the crust still on.

- When I go back, they'll send a limo.
- I'll get you another drink.

- Was that last straw bendy enough?
- Perfect, thank you.

Oh, Daphne...
Daphne...

Take these tissues away.
I... They hurt my nose.

I want the kind
with moisturiser in between the sheets.

The rose petals
in the humidifier are wilting.

Oh, of course. Anything you like.

Fresh rose petals,
crustless toast, soft tissues,

acupuncture needles
where you least expect them.

Howard, Lois,
I could counsel you all afternoon,

but we're coming to the end of our hour,
so I'll make it short.

If one of you doesn't say "l love you"
right now, you have no future together.

So which of you
has the courage to say "l love you"?

(Lois)
'Howard, I love you.'

Yes! Yes!

Howard, she loves you!

- What about you?
- (Howard) 'Uh... '

Howard, are you going to pack up
your emotional tent and walk away?

Howard? Howard, it's up to you!
Can you say it? Can you?

Come on, Howard!

(Howard)
'l...I love you, too, Lois!'

- Yes!
- He said it! He said it!

- Niles is pretty good.
- Good?

The little rat is scintillating.

Why couldn't he do
what's expected of him and stink?

He's even better than Gil Chesterton.
They're trying to make me look bad!

Oh, Jesus. That high temperature
is making you zooey.

No, no, it's made me clear-headed!

I must get down to that station
and reclaim what's rightfully mine.

There will be no more filling in
by anybody!

- No way, no how, no one...! No...
- You're not going anywhere.

- Who's to stop me?
- I am.

How will you, with a cane,
stop a man in the prime of his life?

(Groans)

And I wasn't even leaning on my cane.

- Come on, Daphne.
- He really is sick.

You want to talk sick?
1962, World's Fair.

The tilt-a-whirl was right next to
the Little Taste of India.

I was out sick this week
and I'd like to take this opportunity

to express my gratitude

to Gil Chesterton
and to my brother Niles

for doing such a great job of filling in
for me. I really appreciate it, guys.

Well, now that I'm
back to normal and feeling great

who's our first caller?

We have Sonja from Auburn
on line three.

Let's just hear what Sonja has to say.

(Shouts)
Daphne! Daphne!

- What is it this time?
- I had a dream! I had a dream!

They are plotting against me!

Now, now. We went over this already.
It's just your fever talking.

That's what you want me to think.
You're in league with Niles.

I know about the two of you!
You pretend not to know, but you know.

- I must take my show back!
- You barely function!

Run down to the drugstore
with these prescriptions.

This will have you high as a kite!

- Only until I take a couple of these.
- I don't think you're in any...

Thank you, but the moment
I give a fig about what you think

is the day that England produces
a great chef,

a world-class bottle of wine, and a car
that has a decent electrical system.

Being a healthcare provider I try
to be sympathetic towards my patients,

but I have reached
the end of my tether with you!

You are by far the most ungrateful,

disagreeable,
self-centred, whiny fusspot

I've had the misfortune of dealing with!

I've had patients on their deathbeds
who were more considerate and jolly!

As far as I'm concerned,
you can lay in those sweaty sheets

till you're one giant bedsore!

- Are you done?
- Yes.

Then scurry on down to the drugstore.
Get those filled while I get dressed.

Oh, hello, Frasier!
What a surprise to see you here today!

It's no wonder. I've taken
some wonder drugs. I feel wonderful!

So, I'm going to go do my show now
so ta-ta, pie man.

Thank you, Greta.
It's satisfying to change someone's life.

Look who's wandered into my booth.
My brother, Frasier.

Hello. I've come to take the reins
of my show, so scoot out of there.

This is a good time for a commercial.

This is Dr Niles Crane. Let's get better.

You OK? Your eyes look a little glassy.

I'm fine. The drugs I took
have some minor slide effects.

Frasier, look at me.
Do you see trails when I do this?

Whoa!

Wasn't doing that before!

You're not going on the air like this.
Stop it! St... St...

You're going to go to bed,
rest and get rid of this fever

so you can be as good as new.
Let's get better.

All right?

- All right?
- All right. OK.

Maybe you can help me
find someone to drive me home.

That's the most sensible thing
you've said so far.

(Roz shouts)
Frasier! Frasier!

Hello, Seattle, I'm back.

This is Dr Frasier Crane.
I promise I will never leave you again.

So, let's take our first caller.

Hello, I'm listening.

(Man)
'Hi, Dr Crane.

'Thanks for taking my call.

'I'm a bit nervous, OK?
My name is Robert.'

And your name is...?

'My name is Robert.'

I'm sorry, we've already had
a Robert today. Goodbye.

It's Roz.
Could you get Security up here?

Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge,
and he's gone insane.

- Who is this?
- (Woman) 'I'm Janice.'

What's your problem?

'I'm having a problem breaking
through a barrier with my in-laws.'

Boring!

Hello, you're on the crane
with Frasier Air.

(Woman)
'Hi, Dr Crane, this is Marjorie.

'I'm having a problem with my boss.

'He doesn't respect me, and I don't
have the courage to confront him.'

OK, Marjorie. Well, let's see.
Let's do a little role-playing.

I'll be your boss, you be yourself.

Come in and talk to me in a forceful
way, and tell me what you think.

- You may be surprised.
- 'Well, OK.

'Listen, Mr Ross, I've worked here

'for six years
and I've never missed a day,

'but you've constantly promoted people
less qualified than I am. That's not fair.'

Oh, well, Marjorie,
I must say I admire your forthrightness.

I wish the others spoke to me with
an open mind. You'll get that promotion.

- 'Hey, that was great!'
- Wasn't it?

OK, it's my turn.
I'm Marjorie, you're the boss now.

(Frasier)
Come on!

These nice men will take you home.

I'm... I'm doing my show. I can't.

- I'm on the air.
- No. You're on commercial.

Don't you worry your mucus-filled head.
Everything's under control.

- This is my show!
- Hey, this is fun.

Make it go faster! Whee!

- Five seconds, Niles!
- All right.

This is Dr Niles Crane.
We haven't taken leave of our senses.

That bit of inspired lunacy
was just a little docudrama

Frasier and I put together
on the dangers of overmedication.

Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly
demonstrating why they call it "dope".

(Shouts)
Daphne! Daphne!

What?

I had another dream. I dreamt I went
to the station all doped up

and made a big fool of myself!

They dragged me out of there
like some lunatic.

Now, now. That was just a dream.
You go back to sleep.

- You'll feel better in the morning.
- OK. Ah...

Oh, Daphne...
Could I have a little lemonade?

With lemons and a sprig of mint.

Anything you want.

- Why'd you tell him it was a dream?
- No fun telling him the truth now.

I'll wait till tomorrow morning
when he's good and lucid.

# Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

# Oh, my!

# And maybe I seem a bit confused
Yeah, maybe...but I got you pegged!

# But I don't know what to do with those
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs

# They're calling again

# Scrambled eggs all over my face
What is a boy to do? #

Frasier has left the building.