Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 11 - Seat of Power - full transcript
After Martin bemoans his sons' rarefied tastes and avoidance of all that is ordinary, they try to prove him wrong by fixing the toilet; they make the problem worse, call in a plumber, and find that they've hired Danny Kriezel (John McGinley), a bully who tormented Niles long ago.
Well, I think we've got
time for one last call.
Who's up next, Roz?
We have Elliot on line three.
Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
CHILD'S VOICE: Well,
you see, Dr. Crane,
I have this problem.
I'm a salesman...
Uh... a salesman?
How old are you?
Forty-three.
Forty-three?
Yeah.
Let's be truthful.
I'm 43.
Elliot, we were not
born yesterday.
Clearly, you are
just an adolescent
trying to prove to
your little friends
how clever you are
by getting on radio,
but you know what
you're really doing?
You're taking time away
from people with real problems.
Hey, I'm 43,
and I was going to
say my problem is
I have a very
young-sounding voice
that people make
fun of all the time.
Oh, I... I'm so sorry, Elliot.
That was very insensitive of me.
Ha! Gotcha, Dr. Dufus!
Yes, indeed, you
did "get us," Elliot,
but we are not so stuffy
here on this program
that we can't laugh at
ourselves from time to time.
Roz, can't you keep these
pimply-faced little
maggots off the air?!
Well, that's our show for today.
This is Dr. Crane, signing off
and wishing you
good mental health.
Have a good weekend, Roz.
Wait, Frasier.
I want to ask you a question.
I want you to give
me an honest answer.
No, that outfit does
not make you look fat.
Well, that wasn't the question.
Why would you think it was?
Well, as a rule, when a
woman prefaces a question
with "I want an honest answer"
that's usually the question.
Well, I'm not that insecure.
All right. I'm
sorry. You're right.
Your question, please?
Would you say the back
of my head is unattractive?
Roz, have you
completely lost your mind?
No. I'm serious.
You know how I have season
tickets to the Seahawks games?
Mm-hmm. Well, there's this really
cute guy who sits right behind me,
and a few weeks
ago, we said "hi"
and we smiled at each other
but so far, he hasn't
asked me out yet.
So I was thinking maybe
there was something,
you know, weird about
the back of my head.
Roz, there could be
hundreds of reasons
why he hasn't asked you out.
Thank you. That makes
me feel much better.
No, no, no. Maybe he's married.
Maybe he's in a
relationship. Maybe he's gay.
Or maybe... just maybe,
he's there to watch
a football game
and not cruise chicks.
Okay. You're right.
I'm being ridiculous.
Of course you are.
See you Monday.
All right.
I saw that!
Oh! No, wait!
You are not getting
the rest of my scone
so just forget it.
Mmm... really good, too.
Mmm, yum, yum, yum.
Listen, I don't care.
You can sit there till
you're blue in the face.
As far as I'm concerned,
you don't even exist...
You're not even here.
Oh, all right!
Here.
Get fat!
He got you again, huh?
You're such a soft touch.
I am not.
Well, he never begs
when I'm eating.
Maybe he doesn't
like what you're eating.
Trust me, he's not picky.
I saw him eat a beetle.
Eddie! Let's go
for another walk.
Uh... I thought you already
walked him this morning.
I did. Twice.
He's got to go again?
No. Actually I do.
That didn't sound right.
There's a very nice-looking
gentleman who plays Frisbee
in the park with his Labrador.
Eddie and I are hoping
to run into them again.
Come on, Eddie.
He's just playing hard to get.
I'm glad somebody is.
Hey, Frasier, how about fixing
that toilet of yours?
It keeps running all the time.
The noise is driving me crazy.
All right, Dad.
I'll call a plumber.
What do you mean,
call a plumber?
You got two hands.
Fix it yourself.
( doorbell rings) Dad,
I am a doctor.
I have more important
things to do with my life
than to fix a toilet.
Hello, Niles.
Good news, Frasier.
I pulled some strings at the spa
and they're squeezing
us in for a salt-glow
with our Swedish massage.
Fabulous!
Ah, forget about the plumber.
I'll do it myself.
My manicurist canceled on me.
Oh, Dad, you will
not do it yourself.
I'll bet you don't even
have any tools around here.
Oh, well, that's
where you're wrong.
Let me show you
something, mister.
Here. See this?
Every possible tool
for every possible need.
I got this from
Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Is that turquoise inlay?
Yes. It also comes in...
ebony and onyx.
Onyx. Onyx is so
showy. I don't think that...
Oh, I don't think
so. I love onyx.
Onyx is a stone that
resonates No, on a, on a...
within me. on a
cufflink or a button...
This is why I never
took any home movies.
You two realize what a couple
of delicate doilies you are?
Gee, you don't know the meaning
of the word "self-reliant."
Thank God there's not a
national disaster happening.
You'd be helpless.
Oh, oh!
A lemon zester.
Yes.
You know, Niles...
I'd actually like
to... fix that toilet
just to prove Dad wrong.
Frasier...
when a man is born
with superior genes,
the last challenge he
should face involving a toilet
is learning how to use one.
Yes, but we've conquered
the intellectual world,
but in the world
of nuts and bolts,
we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
You're serious? Yes!
We could borrow some
tools and fix it ourselves.
It'd be good,
practical experience
and it would shut dad up.
We'll show him we're made
of tougher stuff than he thinks.
Exactly.
And it's early. We can let the
eucalyptus wrap be our reward.
Ooh!
Maris, I'm afraid I'll
be delayed a few hours.
Uh... yes... Frasier and I
have taken it upon ourselves
to tackle a home repair.
Yes, I'm working with my hands.
Yes, I've worked
up a bit of a sweat.
I suppose I could
take my shirt off.
Niles, what are you doing?
She seems to be getting aroused
by my attempt at manual labor.
Maris...
I'm holding some sort of wrench.
Give me that!
Hello, Maris.
Maris, Niles is busy now.
No... never mind
what I'm wearing.
May we continue, please?
Fine.
All right, uh, take the
ball-cock assembly
thread it through the tank hole
and fasten it under the tank
with a locknut.
Yes, very well, locknut.
See, Niles, until today
you didn't even know
what a locknut was.
That Niles is dead.
Call me Dutch.
You know, Niles, working
with our hands like this,
I'm reminded of
that glorious tradition
of the Amish barn raising.
All of the men of the
village coming together...
The mind, the muscle...
All toward that one simple,
yet extraordinary goal.
All right.
We are ready to flush.
Here's to what the Crane
brothers can accomplish
when they put their minds to it.
Flush away.
( flushing)
It's working! Oh, my God!
It-It's working. Look!
It's draining out of
the tank into the bowl.
It's filling the bowl
and then the tank.
Oh, I've seen it
a million times,
but never has it meant so much.
It's glorious!
Frasier...
Shouldn't it be stopping now?
One would think so, yes.
It's overflowing.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh, oh!
Oh, look at it. What
does it say to do now?
It says... Oh, it says nothing.
Where are all your
Amish friends now?
Oh!
NILES: The
plumber's been called.
The wine is properly chilled.
Suddenly, my world
makes sense again.
We've had a tough day.
We've tangled with a
little pipe and porcelain.
Now it's Montrachet time.
Mmm. Oh!
Mmm.
When you think about
it, our only mistake today
was trying to fix
that toilet ourselves.
Yes. We tampered with
the natural order of things.
But now, order
has been restored.
By hiring a plumber,
that plumber can afford,
say, a Dolly Parton album.
Ms. Parton can then finance
a national tour, which will,
of course, come to Seattle,
allowing some local promoter
to make enough money
to send his cross-dressing
teenage son to us
for $150-an-hour therapy.
To the circle of life.
( doorbell rings)
Huh. Must be the plumber.
Huh. Well, are you
going to answer that
or you gonna hire somebody
to do that for you, too?
Dad, we tried, okay?
( doorbell rings)
Oh, please. I wasn't
doing anything.
Let me get it.
Somebody call for a plumber?
Not nearly soon enough.
Follow me.
What a lovely way
to spend an afternoon.
Well, Daphne, we
are not plumbers.
We're psychiatrists.
Yeah. Well, there are some
heads you shouldn't tamper with.
Frasier, you've got
to get him out of here.
What?
That man is not fit
to touch your toilet.
Niles, have you been
self-medicating again?
That was Danny Kriezel.
Kriezel the weasel?
How can you be sure?
It's been 25 years.
I'd recognize him anywhere.
He bullied me throughout
my entire childhood.
He certainly didn't
recognize you just now.
Well, perhaps that's
because he wasn't
sticking my head in
a toilet and flushing it.
That was his trademark.
He called it "a swirly."
Niles, you don't
have to remind me
of the Kriezel reign of terror.
I'm quite convinced
I can trace my fear
of confined spaces
back to the time when
his older brother Billy
shoved me into a locker
wearing a girl's
field hockey uniform.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to deny you your pain.
Thank you.
I can still hear the laughter
and Kriezel's mocking voice
as he'd hoist me
over the bowl...
"Hold your breath, Jocko."
Then the crowd would
start its awful chant,
"There goes Crane,
down the drain.
"There goes Crane,
down the drain.
No, Niles, Niles...
There goes Crane..."
Niles, Niles!
Get a hold of yourself!
Stop it! Stop! Stop!
All right. You're no longer
an awkward teenager.
You're a renowned psychiatrist.
Danny Kriezel may
have won a battle or two
back in junior high,
but that's where he peaked.
You won the war.
You know the expression
"Living well is
the best revenge"?
It's a wonderful expression.
I just don't know
how true it is.
You don't see it turning
up in a lot of opera plots.
Ludwig, maddened
by the poisoning
of his entire family,
wreaks vengeance on Gunther
in the third act by living well.
All right, Niles.
Whereupon Woton,
discovering his deception,
wreaks vengeance on
Gunther in the third act again
by living even
better than the duke.
Oh, all right!
That's a new part, right?
Yeah.
'Cause I'm sure you're
charging me for a new part
so I wouldn't want
you using a used part.
What are you, the
plumbing police?
I'll be back.
Don't mind me.
I just came in for some aspirin.
Tannic acid gives me
the tiniest headache.
But that's the price I pay
for drinking nothing
but expensive wine.
Hey.
( whistles)
Yeah. Listen, you
got a real mess here.
I'm going to have
to call the shop,
have my partner bring out
a whole bunch of new parts.
You're looking at two
guys on golden time.
Is that okay with you?
It's only money. Hmm!
Say, um,
has somebody been
trying to fix this thing?
Not me.
I don't even set the clock
in my Mercedes E320.
Boy, that's a nice car.
Yes. I should say it is.
Yeah. I had one for a while,
but it was too small
for the whole family,
so we upgraded to the S-class.
You have the big Mercedes?
Oh, yeah, and I got to tell you,
my 13-year-old's
already got his eye on it.
( chuckles)
That's a great kid right there.
Except for he got in a
fight at school the other day.
Oh, really?
With some small-boned child
with superior language skills?
No!
It was some big jerk
on the football team
who tried to steal
his lunch money.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, there's
nothing like a bully.
Well, I got to tell you,
I'd rather he be
a bully than one
of those wussy kids that
always gets picked on.
You know the kind
I'm talking about?
The kids
who are too
gutless to fight back.
So, you admire someone
who fights back, do you?
Well, sure.
I mean... you know...
if you don't fight
back, what are you?
You're a wuss. You're a wimp.
You're a...
Stop!
Niles!
Leave the man alone
while he's trying to work!
What's Dr. Crane doing?
He's a little frustrated
because I wouldn't
let him do something.
He's taking his anger out
on my ficus.
I've never seen him so angry.
He's like a madman.
Good Lord.
There's a bee out there
the size of a wood finch.
Well, Niles, you've
had a chance to cool off.
You ready to talk
about this now?
No. I'm not ready yet.
Niles, I have to be honest.
I'm a little
disappointed in you.
Were you actually going to stick
another human being's
head into a toilet?
You don't seem to understand.
I feel this rage.
It's as if this beast
has been awakened within me.
Can you get that for me?
Mm-hmm.
Niles,
you see, there is
a beast in all of us.
Part of becoming
a rational adult
is learning to control it.
That is what separates us
from the Kriezels of this world.
That, and their tendency
to squat on their haunches
and groom each other.
Don't you see?
You have an
opportunity with Danny
that I have never
had with Billy.
To confront him
as a rational adult
and achieve some closure.
Easier said than done, Frasier.
One look at that oafish face,
those dead, Kriezel eyes,
you see there's no
chance for communication.
Yes, there is, Niles.
There has to be.
I can't go in there
and talk to him.
If the coward turns his back
on me, I'll attack him again.
No, you won't!
You're not a child anymore.
Now come with me.
I'm taking you to the bathroom.
NILES: Excuse me, sir.
I'd like to have
a word with you.
Yeah. Go ahead.
I'd like to take you back
in time to the 1970s.
There was an intellectually
gifted young student
at John Adams Junior High.
You took it upon yourself
to terrorize that student
simply because he
was different from you.
I was that student.
No kidding.
NILES: I was hoping we could
step into the living room
and come to some
sort of understanding.
It's okay with me.
Any room in the house
is still 59 bucks an hour.
I'll be right back, Billy.
Billy?
Ah, that's my brother for you.
Always getting into stuff.
But if you ask me,
your friend over there
is getting all worked
up over nothing.
You think so, Billy?
Kids picked on other kids.
It's part of growing up.
If anything, it made
those weak kids tougher.
Really?
Come on. You're a big guy.
You must have been
involved in some kind of stuff.
Oh, I was involved.
Billy...
I would like to take
you back in time.
No. Let me take you back.
I remember once
we jammed this
Poindexter into a locker
wearing a girl's
field hockey uniform.
No, I'm sorry, I-I just
don't remember you.
Well...
perhaps you'll remember
third period gym class.
You used to make me wear
my jock strap like a tiara.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Were you the kid who
used to carry his gym shorts
in an attache case?
It was a valise.
Aw...
I remember you.
Boy, those were
some crazy times.
Do you ever see
any of the old gang?
Look, you're missing the point.
I was severely scarred
by those experiences.
Hey, wait a minute.
I can't defend everything
I did back in junior high.
I mean, who can?
But let's face it.
When you show up at school
wearing a tweed blazer
with elbow patches
and carrying a valise,
I mean, I think the
guilt here is 50-50.
He's yelling at us something
about repressed tendencies,
so we stuffed a fire
extinguisher down his pants.
We called it...
A jet pack.
That's it!
Man, you remember them all.
Well, then my next
question to you would be,
why did you behave this way?
Well, I don't know. I mean...
I guess because people
thought it was funny.
I see. I see.
So then, to get this
validation, you would, say,
squeeze my head
between your ankles
and hop around the lunchroom.
I-I did that to you?
Yes.
How does that make you feel?
Well, kind of bad.
The healing has begun.
So, so, in front
of the whole bus,
we pantsed him.
He's yelling, "Give
me back my pants!"
But whoops, they
fell out the window.
So, then it's possible
these acts of aggression
were actually misplaced
outbursts aimed at your father.
( voice breaking): Yes.
He was the real
bully, wasn't he?
Oh, yes.
Let it out, Danny. Let it out.
Nothing I ever did was
good enough for him.
I am so sorry that I
picked on you, man.
I just wanted to be
good at something
and I was good at that.
You were the best.
And then we made him
dance the hula in his underwear
in front of all the girls!
You should have been there.
I was there.
Thanks. This has just
been terrific for me.
I can't take all the credit.
Half the thanks
belongs to my brother.
He convinced me
that a civilized person
can work anything out
as long as he approaches
it in a calm, rational manner.
Run, Niles, run!
The beast is loose!
( yelling)
So you really shoved
his head right in here?
I don't know, Dad.
It's really all sort of a blur.
( Martin laughs)
I guess I just lost control.
Bet it felt good,
though, didn't it?
No.
It felt damn good.
( laughs)
Ah, it's too bad you
didn't do it 20 years ago.
You could've given
him a much better swirly.
These low-flow
toilets don't have
the same velocity
as the old ones.
So what did he do to you?
He didn't have the
nerve to do a thing.
You paid him off, huh?
I've never written a
check so quickly in my life.
( laughs)
Well...
( flushing)
There she goes.
Good as new.
Thanks, Dad.
Can I buy you a beer?
Oh, yeah, sounds good.
Come on, Eddie.
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie.
Don't drink out of the toilet.
Some guy just had
his head in there.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night,
Seattle, we love you!
time for one last call.
Who's up next, Roz?
We have Elliot on line three.
Hello, Elliot. I'm listening.
CHILD'S VOICE: Well,
you see, Dr. Crane,
I have this problem.
I'm a salesman...
Uh... a salesman?
How old are you?
Forty-three.
Forty-three?
Yeah.
Let's be truthful.
I'm 43.
Elliot, we were not
born yesterday.
Clearly, you are
just an adolescent
trying to prove to
your little friends
how clever you are
by getting on radio,
but you know what
you're really doing?
You're taking time away
from people with real problems.
Hey, I'm 43,
and I was going to
say my problem is
I have a very
young-sounding voice
that people make
fun of all the time.
Oh, I... I'm so sorry, Elliot.
That was very insensitive of me.
Ha! Gotcha, Dr. Dufus!
Yes, indeed, you
did "get us," Elliot,
but we are not so stuffy
here on this program
that we can't laugh at
ourselves from time to time.
Roz, can't you keep these
pimply-faced little
maggots off the air?!
Well, that's our show for today.
This is Dr. Crane, signing off
and wishing you
good mental health.
Have a good weekend, Roz.
Wait, Frasier.
I want to ask you a question.
I want you to give
me an honest answer.
No, that outfit does
not make you look fat.
Well, that wasn't the question.
Why would you think it was?
Well, as a rule, when a
woman prefaces a question
with "I want an honest answer"
that's usually the question.
Well, I'm not that insecure.
All right. I'm
sorry. You're right.
Your question, please?
Would you say the back
of my head is unattractive?
Roz, have you
completely lost your mind?
No. I'm serious.
You know how I have season
tickets to the Seahawks games?
Mm-hmm. Well, there's this really
cute guy who sits right behind me,
and a few weeks
ago, we said "hi"
and we smiled at each other
but so far, he hasn't
asked me out yet.
So I was thinking maybe
there was something,
you know, weird about
the back of my head.
Roz, there could be
hundreds of reasons
why he hasn't asked you out.
Thank you. That makes
me feel much better.
No, no, no. Maybe he's married.
Maybe he's in a
relationship. Maybe he's gay.
Or maybe... just maybe,
he's there to watch
a football game
and not cruise chicks.
Okay. You're right.
I'm being ridiculous.
Of course you are.
See you Monday.
All right.
I saw that!
Oh! No, wait!
You are not getting
the rest of my scone
so just forget it.
Mmm... really good, too.
Mmm, yum, yum, yum.
Listen, I don't care.
You can sit there till
you're blue in the face.
As far as I'm concerned,
you don't even exist...
You're not even here.
Oh, all right!
Here.
Get fat!
He got you again, huh?
You're such a soft touch.
I am not.
Well, he never begs
when I'm eating.
Maybe he doesn't
like what you're eating.
Trust me, he's not picky.
I saw him eat a beetle.
Eddie! Let's go
for another walk.
Uh... I thought you already
walked him this morning.
I did. Twice.
He's got to go again?
No. Actually I do.
That didn't sound right.
There's a very nice-looking
gentleman who plays Frisbee
in the park with his Labrador.
Eddie and I are hoping
to run into them again.
Come on, Eddie.
He's just playing hard to get.
I'm glad somebody is.
Hey, Frasier, how about fixing
that toilet of yours?
It keeps running all the time.
The noise is driving me crazy.
All right, Dad.
I'll call a plumber.
What do you mean,
call a plumber?
You got two hands.
Fix it yourself.
( doorbell rings) Dad,
I am a doctor.
I have more important
things to do with my life
than to fix a toilet.
Hello, Niles.
Good news, Frasier.
I pulled some strings at the spa
and they're squeezing
us in for a salt-glow
with our Swedish massage.
Fabulous!
Ah, forget about the plumber.
I'll do it myself.
My manicurist canceled on me.
Oh, Dad, you will
not do it yourself.
I'll bet you don't even
have any tools around here.
Oh, well, that's
where you're wrong.
Let me show you
something, mister.
Here. See this?
Every possible tool
for every possible need.
I got this from
Hammacher-Schlemmer.
Is that turquoise inlay?
Yes. It also comes in...
ebony and onyx.
Onyx. Onyx is so
showy. I don't think that...
Oh, I don't think
so. I love onyx.
Onyx is a stone that
resonates No, on a, on a...
within me. on a
cufflink or a button...
This is why I never
took any home movies.
You two realize what a couple
of delicate doilies you are?
Gee, you don't know the meaning
of the word "self-reliant."
Thank God there's not a
national disaster happening.
You'd be helpless.
Oh, oh!
A lemon zester.
Yes.
You know, Niles...
I'd actually like
to... fix that toilet
just to prove Dad wrong.
Frasier...
when a man is born
with superior genes,
the last challenge he
should face involving a toilet
is learning how to use one.
Yes, but we've conquered
the intellectual world,
but in the world
of nuts and bolts,
we're at the mercy of tradesmen.
You're serious? Yes!
We could borrow some
tools and fix it ourselves.
It'd be good,
practical experience
and it would shut dad up.
We'll show him we're made
of tougher stuff than he thinks.
Exactly.
And it's early. We can let the
eucalyptus wrap be our reward.
Ooh!
Maris, I'm afraid I'll
be delayed a few hours.
Uh... yes... Frasier and I
have taken it upon ourselves
to tackle a home repair.
Yes, I'm working with my hands.
Yes, I've worked
up a bit of a sweat.
I suppose I could
take my shirt off.
Niles, what are you doing?
She seems to be getting aroused
by my attempt at manual labor.
Maris...
I'm holding some sort of wrench.
Give me that!
Hello, Maris.
Maris, Niles is busy now.
No... never mind
what I'm wearing.
May we continue, please?
Fine.
All right, uh, take the
ball-cock assembly
thread it through the tank hole
and fasten it under the tank
with a locknut.
Yes, very well, locknut.
See, Niles, until today
you didn't even know
what a locknut was.
That Niles is dead.
Call me Dutch.
You know, Niles, working
with our hands like this,
I'm reminded of
that glorious tradition
of the Amish barn raising.
All of the men of the
village coming together...
The mind, the muscle...
All toward that one simple,
yet extraordinary goal.
All right.
We are ready to flush.
Here's to what the Crane
brothers can accomplish
when they put their minds to it.
Flush away.
( flushing)
It's working! Oh, my God!
It-It's working. Look!
It's draining out of
the tank into the bowl.
It's filling the bowl
and then the tank.
Oh, I've seen it
a million times,
but never has it meant so much.
It's glorious!
Frasier...
Shouldn't it be stopping now?
One would think so, yes.
It's overflowing.
Oh, oh, oh! Oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh, oh!
Oh, look at it. What
does it say to do now?
It says... Oh, it says nothing.
Where are all your
Amish friends now?
Oh!
NILES: The
plumber's been called.
The wine is properly chilled.
Suddenly, my world
makes sense again.
We've had a tough day.
We've tangled with a
little pipe and porcelain.
Now it's Montrachet time.
Mmm. Oh!
Mmm.
When you think about
it, our only mistake today
was trying to fix
that toilet ourselves.
Yes. We tampered with
the natural order of things.
But now, order
has been restored.
By hiring a plumber,
that plumber can afford,
say, a Dolly Parton album.
Ms. Parton can then finance
a national tour, which will,
of course, come to Seattle,
allowing some local promoter
to make enough money
to send his cross-dressing
teenage son to us
for $150-an-hour therapy.
To the circle of life.
( doorbell rings)
Huh. Must be the plumber.
Huh. Well, are you
going to answer that
or you gonna hire somebody
to do that for you, too?
Dad, we tried, okay?
( doorbell rings)
Oh, please. I wasn't
doing anything.
Let me get it.
Somebody call for a plumber?
Not nearly soon enough.
Follow me.
What a lovely way
to spend an afternoon.
Well, Daphne, we
are not plumbers.
We're psychiatrists.
Yeah. Well, there are some
heads you shouldn't tamper with.
Frasier, you've got
to get him out of here.
What?
That man is not fit
to touch your toilet.
Niles, have you been
self-medicating again?
That was Danny Kriezel.
Kriezel the weasel?
How can you be sure?
It's been 25 years.
I'd recognize him anywhere.
He bullied me throughout
my entire childhood.
He certainly didn't
recognize you just now.
Well, perhaps that's
because he wasn't
sticking my head in
a toilet and flushing it.
That was his trademark.
He called it "a swirly."
Niles, you don't
have to remind me
of the Kriezel reign of terror.
I'm quite convinced
I can trace my fear
of confined spaces
back to the time when
his older brother Billy
shoved me into a locker
wearing a girl's
field hockey uniform.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to deny you your pain.
Thank you.
I can still hear the laughter
and Kriezel's mocking voice
as he'd hoist me
over the bowl...
"Hold your breath, Jocko."
Then the crowd would
start its awful chant,
"There goes Crane,
down the drain.
"There goes Crane,
down the drain.
No, Niles, Niles...
There goes Crane..."
Niles, Niles!
Get a hold of yourself!
Stop it! Stop! Stop!
All right. You're no longer
an awkward teenager.
You're a renowned psychiatrist.
Danny Kriezel may
have won a battle or two
back in junior high,
but that's where he peaked.
You won the war.
You know the expression
"Living well is
the best revenge"?
It's a wonderful expression.
I just don't know
how true it is.
You don't see it turning
up in a lot of opera plots.
Ludwig, maddened
by the poisoning
of his entire family,
wreaks vengeance on Gunther
in the third act by living well.
All right, Niles.
Whereupon Woton,
discovering his deception,
wreaks vengeance on
Gunther in the third act again
by living even
better than the duke.
Oh, all right!
That's a new part, right?
Yeah.
'Cause I'm sure you're
charging me for a new part
so I wouldn't want
you using a used part.
What are you, the
plumbing police?
I'll be back.
Don't mind me.
I just came in for some aspirin.
Tannic acid gives me
the tiniest headache.
But that's the price I pay
for drinking nothing
but expensive wine.
Hey.
( whistles)
Yeah. Listen, you
got a real mess here.
I'm going to have
to call the shop,
have my partner bring out
a whole bunch of new parts.
You're looking at two
guys on golden time.
Is that okay with you?
It's only money. Hmm!
Say, um,
has somebody been
trying to fix this thing?
Not me.
I don't even set the clock
in my Mercedes E320.
Boy, that's a nice car.
Yes. I should say it is.
Yeah. I had one for a while,
but it was too small
for the whole family,
so we upgraded to the S-class.
You have the big Mercedes?
Oh, yeah, and I got to tell you,
my 13-year-old's
already got his eye on it.
( chuckles)
That's a great kid right there.
Except for he got in a
fight at school the other day.
Oh, really?
With some small-boned child
with superior language skills?
No!
It was some big jerk
on the football team
who tried to steal
his lunch money.
Oh. Yeah.
Well, there's
nothing like a bully.
Well, I got to tell you,
I'd rather he be
a bully than one
of those wussy kids that
always gets picked on.
You know the kind
I'm talking about?
The kids
who are too
gutless to fight back.
So, you admire someone
who fights back, do you?
Well, sure.
I mean... you know...
if you don't fight
back, what are you?
You're a wuss. You're a wimp.
You're a...
Stop!
Niles!
Leave the man alone
while he's trying to work!
What's Dr. Crane doing?
He's a little frustrated
because I wouldn't
let him do something.
He's taking his anger out
on my ficus.
I've never seen him so angry.
He's like a madman.
Good Lord.
There's a bee out there
the size of a wood finch.
Well, Niles, you've
had a chance to cool off.
You ready to talk
about this now?
No. I'm not ready yet.
Niles, I have to be honest.
I'm a little
disappointed in you.
Were you actually going to stick
another human being's
head into a toilet?
You don't seem to understand.
I feel this rage.
It's as if this beast
has been awakened within me.
Can you get that for me?
Mm-hmm.
Niles,
you see, there is
a beast in all of us.
Part of becoming
a rational adult
is learning to control it.
That is what separates us
from the Kriezels of this world.
That, and their tendency
to squat on their haunches
and groom each other.
Don't you see?
You have an
opportunity with Danny
that I have never
had with Billy.
To confront him
as a rational adult
and achieve some closure.
Easier said than done, Frasier.
One look at that oafish face,
those dead, Kriezel eyes,
you see there's no
chance for communication.
Yes, there is, Niles.
There has to be.
I can't go in there
and talk to him.
If the coward turns his back
on me, I'll attack him again.
No, you won't!
You're not a child anymore.
Now come with me.
I'm taking you to the bathroom.
NILES: Excuse me, sir.
I'd like to have
a word with you.
Yeah. Go ahead.
I'd like to take you back
in time to the 1970s.
There was an intellectually
gifted young student
at John Adams Junior High.
You took it upon yourself
to terrorize that student
simply because he
was different from you.
I was that student.
No kidding.
NILES: I was hoping we could
step into the living room
and come to some
sort of understanding.
It's okay with me.
Any room in the house
is still 59 bucks an hour.
I'll be right back, Billy.
Billy?
Ah, that's my brother for you.
Always getting into stuff.
But if you ask me,
your friend over there
is getting all worked
up over nothing.
You think so, Billy?
Kids picked on other kids.
It's part of growing up.
If anything, it made
those weak kids tougher.
Really?
Come on. You're a big guy.
You must have been
involved in some kind of stuff.
Oh, I was involved.
Billy...
I would like to take
you back in time.
No. Let me take you back.
I remember once
we jammed this
Poindexter into a locker
wearing a girl's
field hockey uniform.
No, I'm sorry, I-I just
don't remember you.
Well...
perhaps you'll remember
third period gym class.
You used to make me wear
my jock strap like a tiara.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Were you the kid who
used to carry his gym shorts
in an attache case?
It was a valise.
Aw...
I remember you.
Boy, those were
some crazy times.
Do you ever see
any of the old gang?
Look, you're missing the point.
I was severely scarred
by those experiences.
Hey, wait a minute.
I can't defend everything
I did back in junior high.
I mean, who can?
But let's face it.
When you show up at school
wearing a tweed blazer
with elbow patches
and carrying a valise,
I mean, I think the
guilt here is 50-50.
He's yelling at us something
about repressed tendencies,
so we stuffed a fire
extinguisher down his pants.
We called it...
A jet pack.
That's it!
Man, you remember them all.
Well, then my next
question to you would be,
why did you behave this way?
Well, I don't know. I mean...
I guess because people
thought it was funny.
I see. I see.
So then, to get this
validation, you would, say,
squeeze my head
between your ankles
and hop around the lunchroom.
I-I did that to you?
Yes.
How does that make you feel?
Well, kind of bad.
The healing has begun.
So, so, in front
of the whole bus,
we pantsed him.
He's yelling, "Give
me back my pants!"
But whoops, they
fell out the window.
So, then it's possible
these acts of aggression
were actually misplaced
outbursts aimed at your father.
( voice breaking): Yes.
He was the real
bully, wasn't he?
Oh, yes.
Let it out, Danny. Let it out.
Nothing I ever did was
good enough for him.
I am so sorry that I
picked on you, man.
I just wanted to be
good at something
and I was good at that.
You were the best.
And then we made him
dance the hula in his underwear
in front of all the girls!
You should have been there.
I was there.
Thanks. This has just
been terrific for me.
I can't take all the credit.
Half the thanks
belongs to my brother.
He convinced me
that a civilized person
can work anything out
as long as he approaches
it in a calm, rational manner.
Run, Niles, run!
The beast is loose!
( yelling)
So you really shoved
his head right in here?
I don't know, Dad.
It's really all sort of a blur.
( Martin laughs)
I guess I just lost control.
Bet it felt good,
though, didn't it?
No.
It felt damn good.
( laughs)
Ah, it's too bad you
didn't do it 20 years ago.
You could've given
him a much better swirly.
These low-flow
toilets don't have
the same velocity
as the old ones.
So what did he do to you?
He didn't have the
nerve to do a thing.
You paid him off, huh?
I've never written a
check so quickly in my life.
( laughs)
Well...
( flushing)
There she goes.
Good as new.
Thanks, Dad.
Can I buy you a beer?
Oh, yeah, sounds good.
Come on, Eddie.
Oh, for God's sake, Eddie.
Don't drink out of the toilet.
Some guy just had
his head in there.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night,
Seattle, we love you!