Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 12 - Roz in the Doghouse - full transcript

WOMAN ( on phone):
Um, you see, Dr. Crane,

there's this man I'd
like to go out with,

but he's 40 years old

and he's never been married.

Do you think that
means something?

Well, it could mean he
has a fear of commitment,

or it could mean
he's just been lucky!

Marie, that was a joke.

Did I mention I'm
calling from a pay phone?

Oh, well, all right, Marie.

I would say give him a shot,



but I'd keep that
caution bulb lit.

Thank you for your call, Marie.

Who's next, Roz?

If you ask me,

it's divorced people
you have to watch out for.

If someone's never been married,

it might just mean
they're a careful shopper.

Whereas your
divorcee will bite into

any old piece fruit without
even giving it a squeeze first.

The preceding was
an unbiased opinion

from my never-been-married
producer, Roz,

who, incidentally, has squeezed
more fruit than Tropicana.

May we take
another call, please?

We could, but it's
time for a station break.



Oh. Oh, well, then we'll
be right back after this.

Roz, didn't we
just take a break?

The lot was full this morning.

I had to park at a meter.

I'll be right back.

Oh, all right, fine. Just hurry.

Do I have headphone hair?

Well, I may have to flirt
my way out of a ticket.

Oh, just go!

Okay! Okay!

Whoa! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Ow, ow, ow, ow...
Are you all right?

I got the wind
knocked out of me,

but I guess I'm okay.

Oh! Ow, my ankle!

FRASIER: Here,
Roz, does this hurt?

( screams)

All right, then there's no
nerve damage at least.

Still, one ought
to have an X ray.

Yeah. Come on.
Frasier, Frasier, the show!

No, that's all right, Roz. I'll
get someone to fill in for you.

No, I mean right now!
You've got dead air.

Oh, God! Ow!

Oh! Oh-oh...

Take the shoe off.

Oh... oh... ohh!

Oh, dear!

What is it?

I see it's been a while
since our last pedicure.

( knock at door)

Who is it?

It's Frasier.

It's open.

Hi, Roz.

How were things at
the emergency room?

Frustrating.

You know how it is...

You're sitting there
in complete agony

and every crybaby
with a gunshot wound

waltzes right in ahead of you.

How was it after I left?

It was okay. Weird Bruce from
Engineering took over for you.

Oh. That's quite
a boot collection.

Wouldn't it be easier

just to put notches
in your bedpost?

Those are mine.

You hate the way I've
decorated, don't you?

No, no. Matter of fact,

I admire your courage.

Is that for me?

Oh, yes.

Freud said that there
are only two things

we need to make us
happy: work and love.

Aw, thanks, Frasier!

So you brought me work.

Well, I thought answering
some of the fan mail

that had been piling up would
give you something to do.

And remember, this time,
death threats don't get photos.

( knock at door)

Who is it?

It's Bulldog!

Shh! Pretend we're not here.

Roz, you just said, "Who is it?"

Hey, Doc!

Hey, Dog.

Hey, Roz.

Wow! The whole
place is a bedroom.

( barks)

What are you doing here?

Well, I kind of feel responsible

for you being on the disabled
list, so I brought some deli.

Nothing says "I'm
sorry" like fatty meats.

BULLDOG: You got your pastrami,

coleslaw...

Okay, where's the french fries?

I ordered french fries.

This stinks! ( fist
slams on table)

This is total B.S.!

That apron boy is gonna...

Oh, here they are.

To think he does it
all without steroids.

You want me to stick
these in the oven?

Actually, I'm not
really very hungry.

Oh. Then I guess
you're not thirsty either.

Glasses are on the top shelf.

None for me, Bulldog.

I'm off to the opera.

You can't leave!

BULLDOG: Hey, no ice cubes!

Just chip whatever you can
off the edge of the freezer.

If you leave me,
he'll hit on me.

Roz, with a sprained ankle?

You know what it's
like in the jungle...

They always go after
the sick and the lame.

Roz, I'd like to stay,

but I'm meeting
people at the opera.

I've got the tickets.

BULLDOG: Here we go.

I'll get you more
ice in a minute

when the feeling in my
forehead comes back.

Well, curtain's going up.

Roz, if you need anything,

feel free to call me
absolutely anytime.

Well...

except for the next three
hours, of course. I'm at the opera.

Oh, no, no, no, four
hours. It's Wagner.

Um... oh, then I've got a late
supper, and then right to bed.

I've got an early squash game.

Tell you what, let's just
say call me absolutely

anytime after 4:00
tomorrow afternoon.

Hey.

This is nice, you and me
having a drink together.

Yeah, it's been fun.

Bye! ( glass slams on table)

How come you only
painted two toenails?

( sighs)

Because it hurts too
much when I reach.

You want me to
finish them for you?

Oh, no, please, it's okay.

Hey, it's a nice color.
Goes with the bruise.

No, Bulldog, I mean it. Stop it.

Hey, you've got nice feet!

Really?

You don't think they're too big?

You kidding?

I could get this whole
thing in my mouth, easy.

You know, it's really nice
of you to do all this for me.

It's kind of surreal, but nice.

Oh, I figure if
I'm nice to you...

maybe you'll be nice to me.

I knew it! I knew it!

You come over here
acting all sympathetic,

but you're the same old horny,

low-class slimeball
you've always been!

Hey, before you say something
that ends up offending me...

look, all I wanted
to ask you is if...

you'd be interested
in producing my show.

What?

Yeah, I'm not real crazy
about the guy I've got now,

and let's face it, you're
the best producer there is.

You really think I'm the best?

Hey, that goes without saying.

Frasier goes without
saying it every day.

Well, you don't have
to answer right now.

Just take your time
and think about it.

But I got to warn you,

when I set my mind
on something, I get it.

I once

wanted to interview
George Forman.

He said no, but I got him.

I had to paint his toenails
four times, but I got him.

You've been wrapping
your bandage too tight.

You've got to keep the blood
flowing to the injured ligaments.

Daphne, that feels great.

Whatever Frasier is
paying you, it's not enough.

Actually, I'd need a raise
to get me to "not enough."

Hey, Roz!

Hey, Martin. What's going on?

Aw, Niles bought me new shoes.

Oh, yes, look!

They have tassels.

Aren't they exquisite?

Those shoes were individually
handmade by an artisan

toiling in a hilltop
village above Florence.

The man is a hero there.

It's an event when he
completes a pair of shoes.

They ring the cathedral bell
and the whole town celebrates.

There's a town that
needs a bowling alley.

Evening, all!

NILES: Hello. Hey, Frasier.

Oh, Roz, Roz, did you
hear the show today?

I was at the top of my form.

I did a brilliant job of cutting
a narcissist down to size.

Ooh, thank you, Niles.

So... Oh, Dad, new shoes?

Do I hear cathedral bells?

Ring-a-ding-ding!

Oh, Roz, I also
wanted to apologize

for leaving you last night.

I hope you didn't
spend the evening

fending off Bulldog's advances.

Oh, no. Bulldog's not so bad.

Actually, we had a good time.

Ohhh?

What "ohhh"?

Well, I couldn't help noticing

he came in to work this morning

wearing the same clothes
he had on yesterday.

Ohhh?

What's going on?

Roz slept with
Bulldog last night.

I did not.

How could you think that?

Well, I mean, dropping
by, bringing you a little gift.

He was obviously
after something.

DAPHNE: Well, that's not fair!

Dr. Crane is always dropping
by and bringing me little gifts

and he's not after anything.

I did not sleep with Bulldog.

He didn't even hit on me.

He did want something, though.

He wanted me to leave you
and come be his new producer.

Oh, well, I wonder
why he said that.

( chuckling)

Because he really wants me.

Yes, well, I think that
goes without saying.

For his show.

Oh, Roz, Bulldog
knows the blunt approach

won't work with you, so
he's being more subtle.

But his ultimate goal
remains to... well, to...

To what?

To play Aeneas to your Dido.

Sorry you had to
hear that, Daphne.

Oh, that's all right.

As usual, I haven't
the foggiest idea

what you're talking about.

ROZ: You know,
this is so insulting.

You think Bulldog wants
me to come work for him

because he wants
to get me into his bed!

It doesn't even occur to you

that he thinks I'm
a good producer!

Roz, don't you think you're
being just a tad naive?

I'll tell you what naive is.

Naive is someone who
thinks he can stand there

and talk to me like that without
getting a crutch up his butt.

Roz, I can see how
he's manipulating you.

I'm an expert in human behavior.

Oh, really? Excuse me.

I've heard your expert advice.

The only mental disorder
you've ever cured is insomnia!

Well, I'm surprised
you had time to listen,

what with being so busy
with your ultra-demanding

producer tasks... answering
phones and pushing buttons!

My God, a cockatoo with a
strong beak could what you do!

Then hire one, because I'm
taking the job with Bulldog.

That's it!

I am out of here!

Take a picture, 'cause
I'm out of your life!

You have seen the last of me!

Sayonara!

Oh, damn, my purse.

Well, Bruce, I see we are
loaded with callers here.

What line is next?

What's your favorite number?

Three.

( dial tone humming)

Damn.

What's your other
favorite number?

Why don't you just
let me handle this?

Hello, you're on the
line with Frasier Crane.

I'm listening.

WOMAN: Hi, Dr. Crane.

My name is Francesca and
I'm calling about my boyfriend.

Well, he says he loves me,
but I just can't get over this fear

that I'm going to
come home one day

and he's not going to be there.

I don't know, it probably
stems from my childhood

when my father left us.

Oh, Francesca, you are suffering
from a fear of abandonment,

but trust me, I'm here for you.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

I'm always so afraid
the people I count on

will just disappear,
and I'll be left with...

( dial tone humming)

Sorry.

Francesca, please, um, we
had a little technical glitch there.

But we were almost
out of time anyway.

Please, if you'll call in
tomorrow, I'll make sure

you're the first order
of business. Please call.

Well, we're just about
wrapped up here, folks.

I'll see you tomorrow, Seattle.

Good show, Dr. Crane.

You think so, Bruce?

Yeah.

Well, call me old-fashioned,

but when my show starts
out with a screeching noise

that could shatter crystal,

then moves on to an open mike

while I'm eating a
bag of potato chips,

then disconnects
two manic-depressives

and a woman with a fear
of abandonment, I don't think

it's a show we should be
mailing off to the Smithsonian!

Don't worry, man.

You'll do better tomorrow.

Yeah, it's going to be a
great show, Roz. I can feel it.

Yeah, I'm psyched. You got
about a minute to show time.

Hello, Roz.

Hello, Frasier.

Hey, Doc!

Long week no see.

Hope you haven't been avoiding
me because I stole your chick.

Oh, Bruce and I are
getting along splendidly.

Yeah, I heard Bruce.

What happened, the cockatoo
want too much money?

Bye, Roz.

So long, Frasier.

Oh, a moment, Frasier, please!

I'm sure word has
reached your ear already

about the frutti de
mare party I'm throwing

to celebrate our fair city's
great bounty from the sea.

Yes. I'd love to come.

Well, aye, there's the rub.

You see, I've
already invited Roz.

With this rift between you
two, well, the tension in the air

will be thicker
than my cioppino.

Oh, Gil, I'm sure that
rift will soon be over.

Before long, Bulldog will prove

that all he's wanted all along

was just to get
his hands on Roz.

Ooh, in fact, that
moment may have arrived.

FRASIER: Well,
she's bending over.

Turn around, Bulldog!

GIL: Oh, yes.

Isn't that what

golfers refer to
as "teeing it up"?

FRASIER: All right, he moves in,

and he... helps
pick up the papers!

Yeah, oh, I'm so sorry, Frasier.

I, too, entertained
hopes for low comedy.

Attention, sports
fans! ( whistle blows)

You're back in the
doghouse with Bulldog Brisco!

( barks twice)

( meows)

Let's talk football,
Sunday's lot.

Broncos over the Raiders.
Easy money, huh, Roz?

Yeah, right! And men
just want to cuddle.

L.A. humiliated
Denver last month.

Wh-Wh-What? Hey, do I tell
you how to cook and clean?

Denver's doo. It's a
complete no-brainer.

Well, then, it's
right up your alley.

( horn toots)

You know, I'm no sports fan,

but they really are
quite delicious together.

Yes. Well, enjoy
it while you can.

Bulldog can't keep his
libido in check forever.

Well, of course you're right,

and then Roz will come
crawling back to you.

Yes. In the meantime,
I have to find someone

halfway competent
to produce my show.

How hard could that be?

♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪

♪ Baby, that's my name ♪

♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪

♪ That's how I got my fame ♪

♪ But nobody seem
to understand now ♪

♪ What make a man feel so blue ♪

♪ Oh, they call me Mr. Pitiful ♪

♪ 'Cause I lost
someone just like you ♪

♪ The call me Mr. Pitiful ♪

♪ This everybody knows now ♪

♪ They call me Mr. Pitiful ♪

♪ 'Most every place I go now ♪

♪ But nobody seems
to understand now... ♪

( people chattering)

NILES: You think
you had a bad week?

This morning, Maris and I

woke to the sound of
our gardener, Yoshi,

hacking through
our prized topiary.

Well, Niles, I've never
understood why you wanted

your hedges to be sculpted
into the shapes of animals.

Well, we're both animal lovers,

but Maris is
unable to have pets.

She...

She distrusts anything that
loves her unconditionally.

Anyway, there was Yoshi,

drunk as a lord,

swinging his hedge trimmer
recklessly over his head.

Before we could calm him,

he had transformed
Maris's prized stallion

into some sort of
obscene goat boy.

The poor woman is inconsolable.

Well, thank you, Niles.

You've been a
great deal of help.

There are worse things than
seeing one's career go down the toilet.

I could have my hedges
cut into unattractive shapes.

It's always about you, isn't it?

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm
just the slightest bit panicky

that I'm never
gonna get Roz back.

I've been waiting for weeks
for Bulldog to make his move,

and against all
natural laws, he hasn't!

DAPHNE. Come along. Oh!

Hello! I thought we might
run into you two here.

Yeah. Daphne and I have
been out buying shoes.

Oh, not that I don't appreciate
the ones that you bought me,

but... I thought I'd save those

for special occasions
when only tassels will do.

But, hey, get a load of these!

They light up when I walk away.

Doesn't everyone?

Well, I see
Mr. Congeniality here

is still spreading sunshine
wherever he goes.

Apparently, things didn't go
very well in his show today.

Oh, really?

Well, you know, these
things go in cycles.

I mean, take Bulldog's show.

He's just had

one great show
after another lately.

Hmm...

What could be your point, Dad?

I'm having trouble
reading between the lines.

If you weren't so damn stubborn,

you'd apologize to Roz
get her back on the show,

and everybody'd be happy.

As usual, you're overlooking
a key psychological component

in this whole issue.

You'd have to admit
you were wrong.

Exactly!

DAPHNE: I don't
see what's so hard

about telling Roz
you were wrong.

You don't understand. You see,

it's not the same as Dad being
wrong or your being wrong.

I have a degree from Harvard.

Whenever I'm wrong, the
world makes a little less sense.

Frankly, I don't understand
why you want her back at all.

She's pushy and opinionated.

Niles, don't you
think you're being

just the slightest bit sexist?

What's labeled
"pushy" in a woman

is called
"assertiveness" in a man.

Gone are the days when women

were shunted aside to
bat their eyelashes prettily

and say nothing.

I quite agree.

Oh, Daphne, please
I can handle this.

Well, you've
certainly handled it

well enough so far.

If you ask me, it's time
you get off your high horse,

buy Roz some flowers

and beg her forgiveness.

And don't be afraid to get
your knees a little dusty.

Well, I'm sorry. I'm just not
quite ready to swallow my pride.

Next time, wake me
when the show's over.

BULLDOG: All right,
Wednesday, we got the NFL. Picks.

Then at the end of the show,
we do the "boner of the week."

No, can't do that.

This is why I hate you.

You're always trying to change

my tried-and-true successful
format. Why can't we do it?

Because I got you an
interview with Wayne Gretzky.

See, Way...

Wayne Gretzky?

Mm-hmm.

Wayne Gretzky!

This is awesome!

This is total brilliance!

This is... a pinched nerve.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

It's an old football injury.

I got my head
rammed into a locker

when I tried to interview
Mike Ditka. Ahh!

Here. Let me help you with that.

Ah... this is great.

I can't believe it.
Wayne Gretzky.

The great one.

Aah... Roz, you
are the great one.

You are some kind of producer.

Thanks.

I'm having a great time.

I owe you, Bulldog.

I owe you big.

You know, I never
would have thought this

a couple of weeks
ago, but you and I have

great chemistry
together, don't we?

Uh-huh. I like chemistry.

I flunked it, but I like it.

You got any of that,
uh... wild turkey left?

Yeah. Sure.

You know, I got to be
honest with you, Bulldog,

when we first started
working together,

I never thought it
would turn out like this.

Did you?

All along.

Hey, uh... Roz!

You'd, uh, better
make mine a... a double.

I'm a double kind of guy.

Nuh-uh. You're only
going to get a little.

There's a lot I
want to do tonight

and I want you to
keep up with me.

Yeah, well, uh...

all I ask is you give me a
couple of 20-minute breaks.

( music playing) What's that?

I, uh... I thought a little
music might be, uh...

might be nice.

Can you concentrate
with that on?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Actually, uh, I find, uh,
the distraction helps me.

Nah, second date.
Don't be pushy.

This is great, Roz.

Us working like this.

Hey, uh...

did you and the doc
ever end up working...

What?

Did you and the doc ever
end up working like this?

Oh, yeah. We tried it once,

but he complained
I talked too much.

Oh, yeah?

I would have figured
you for a screamer.

( screaming)

What the hell are
you doing in my bed?!

Get out! Get out!!

I asked you over here to work,

you disgusting pervert!

Hey, hey, hey! You're
gonna have to slow down!

I'm getting some
mixed signals here.

What...

What are you doing?

Is this clear enough for you?

Hey, are you crazy?!

My wallet's in there!

Get out, now!

Get out of my way, Doc.

Oh...

I'm listening.

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Thank you!