Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 10 - Burying a Grudge - full transcript

Where have you been?

We're on in two minutes.

Forgive me, but I was busy

preparing your
schedule for tomorrow.

You've got lunch with
the station manager,

you're recording a PSA at 3:00,

and don't forget to send flowers

to your sister-in-law
in the hospital.

Oh, yes. Maris's facelift.

Really. I didn't know
she needed one.

Well, she doesn't, actually.



There's nothing wrong with
Maris that wouldn't be cured

by a little sun, some
exercise and a personality.

What are those?

Oh, just extra copies
of your schedule.

Why are you running
down to the Xerox room

for extra copies of my schedule?

Wouldn't have to do with
that new intern, would it?

What's his name?

Eli.

Roz, he's probably all of 19.

That's legal.

Well, koo koo ka
choo, Mrs. Robinson.

Frasier, the guy is so gorgeous.

You just want to
bite him all over.



Haven't you seen him?

No. I've been eating out lately.

You're not seriously thinking

of dating him, are you?

Why is it all right
for older men

to date younger women,

but it's not okay
for older women

to date younger men?

I don't make the rules, Roz.

I just enjoy them.

You're on.

Hello, Seattle.

This is Dr. Frasier
Crane, KACL 780.

I'll be with you for
the next three hours,

so let's get straight to it.

Roz, who's our first caller?

On line one, we have Linda.

She's calling from
her car phone.

Hello, Linda. I'm listening.

LINDA: Oh. Dr. Crane.

My husband and I are
right in the middle of a fight.

You see, we're on our way

to the Antique Mart.

We're obviously lost,

but he refuses to stop
and ask for directions.

Yes. Well, Linda,
this is a common

source of friction
among couples.

Some men feel the
need to be in control.

They see asking for help
as a sign of weakness.

LINDA: Oh, everybody knows that.

Look, the reason I called was

to ask how the hell do
we get to the Antique Mart

from Cherokee and 14th street?

MAN: I don't need
any directions!

I know where I am!

LINDA: We're lost, Walter.

Face it. We're lost.

Well, this isn't normally
the kind of advice I give,

but let me see.

I've... I've lived in
Seattle most of my life.

From Cherokee and
14th, you would want to...

Uh, Dr. Crane, I
have a map right here.

Oh, no, thanks, Roz.
I don't need any help.

MARTIN: Eddie! Put that down!

It's disgusting!

Why do animals always drag

these things into the house?

Oh, dear God, what is it? A rat?

No. It's a stupid doll.

He found it in the park,
and he carries it everywhere.

( doorbell rings)

He never did this kind of stuff

before you had him fixed.

Hello, Frasier.

I thought you'd be at
the hospital with Maris.

Uh, I'm on my way
down there now.

Poor Maris. She's so worried.

She hasn't had much
hospital experience.

Except the usual
childhood things.

You know, tonsils,
adenoids, force-feeding...

What's wrong with Mrs. Crane?

Oh. It's nothing serious.

Cosmetic surgery.

Her chin...

her lips...

her cheeks...

her... eyelids...

Maybe it'd be faster

if you just told us what
she's leaving alone.

You know, if you
want my opinion,

this is just vanity.

No, it's not vanity,
Dad, it's insecurity.

It's easy to understand
how women can fall victim

to our culture's worship at
the altar of youth and beauty.

Precisely. Women over 40
can't help but feel unattractive

if they don't have perfect hair

porcelain skin, limpid eyes,

pouting lips.

The voluptuous contours

of a goddess.

I'm sorry. I've forgotten
what my point was.

Oh. I know just what
you mean, Dr. Crane.

I fell victim to that
pressure meself once.

I had a mole removed.

Where?

Just south of Manchester.

( laughs)

I meant, where on your body.

So did I.

So what time is the
surgery tomorrow?

First thing in the morning,
which is why I'm here.

I know I'm being silly,

and I'm sure everything's
going to be fine,

but I was wondering if I might

have your moral support
down at the hospital.

Oh... Yeah, Sure. No problem.

Thank you, I...

Well, I guess I'd better be off.

Hey, Niles.

Not that it's any
of my business,

but, uh, how much is this
whole thing setting you back?

Somewhere in the
neighborhood of $25,000.

MARTIN: Geez.

For an extra five grand,

you can get a whole new
wife from the Philippines.

WOMAN ( over PA system):
Dr. Nicholson to room 502, please...

Ah. Dr. Crane.

Dr. Sternstein.

Excuse me for a moment.

Your wife is still in recovery,

but everything went splendidly,

so you can see
her in a few minutes.

Thank you, Doctor.

All right, Mrs. Patterson.

Did you hear that, Frasier?

Hmm. He said
everything went fine.

He's an incredible
plastic surgeon.

Did you see that woman?

Whoever Mr. Patterson
is, he's a very lucky man.

Maybe that was Mr. Patterson.

Say, Niles, guess
whose room I passed by

on the way down
the hall... Artie Walsh.

Dad's old partner?

Yes, apparently he was
in for some tests last week

and the results
weren't very good.

Oh, no. I always liked him.

Yeah.

I still remember him
inviting us to his house

for weenie roasts
when we were kids.

I'm sure he remembers you, too.

Asking for a salad Nicoise.

Do you think Dad
knows he's here?

Oh, I doubt it.

Think he wants to know?

Probably not. They
haven't spoken in years.

I don't suppose you
got Artie to tell you

what their big
fight was all about?

No. He's just as
tight-lipped as Dad.

Although, with a
little arm-twisting

I did get him to admit
it was all Dad's fault.

Hey, you guys should
really try the cafeteria here.

They got a new chef.

He's from Yemen.

So many of the great ones are.

Dad, you know who's
in the hospital here?

Artie Walsh... and
he's not at all well.

Yeah, one of the guys told me.

They may have to scoop
out half his intestines.

Here... taste this meat loaf.

It's got just the right
amount of chewiness.

No, thank you.

Um, you going to see him?

Nope. Can't think of any
good reason why I should.

Because he was your best
friend and now he's sick?

Hey! He never came to see me

when I took that bullet.

And I was lying there
with stuff flowing in and out

of tubes and drains
from every bodily opening.

At least taste this gravy.

FRASIER: Dad, we are talking

about a few minutes
out of your life.

Just-just long enough to
sit there and have a little chat

with a very sick man.

I don't see why that's
so impossible for you.

Now, come on.

Believe me, you'll
be glad you did.

Hey, listen, sonny boy,

that sanctimonious tone
may wow 'em on the radio,

but it doesn't cut
any ice with me.

When I say no, that's
just what I mean.

I'm not sitting and
chatting with Artie Walsh.

Artie thought as much.

Why? What did he say?

He said you wouldn't
have the guts to go see him.

He said that?

Yeah. Then he
snickered a little.

Huh! You...

Well, I got news for him.

I got the guts.

I got twice the guts he has.

And after his surgery tomorrow,

I'll have four times the guts.

Artie...

it's me again.

Martin.

Artie.

The minute he heard
you were in here,

he insisted on rushing
right over, didn't you, Dad?

Yeah, well...

They said you were
in pretty rocky shape.

Well, they been
saying a lot of things.

Well, um, Marty,
how's it been going?

Okay.

Good. Small steps.

Sorry you're laid up.

Thanks.

It's nice of you to come by.

Well, I guess somebody
had to be the big man.

( chuckles): Yeah...

What?

What's that supposed to mean?

I think you know
what that means.

No, why don't you
tell me what it means?!

Now, now... It means I'm
being a lot bigger than you were

when I was in here.

You mean when you had
that lousy bullet in your hip?

Hey! That lousy
bullet hurt, pal.

Not enough.

We don't want to
tire the patient...

Yeah, well, it's too bad
you never took a bullet.

It might have improved you.

Just be glad

you didn't take it in the butt.

It could have
caused brain damage.

Oh! You always want
the last word, don't you.

Not with you!

I don't want any words with you.

Well, that's too
bad, because I got

a couple of real choice ones.

Dad...

Next time, we'll stay longer.

Stop staring at me like that.

I didn't touch your damn doll.

Look,

even if I did know, I
did it for your own good.

You were becoming
the joke of the park.

Even the poodles
were laughing at you.

Oh, all right.

Here.

Got to get that dog a G.I. Joe.

Yes, yes, Maris, I'm sure.

No, no, you can't gain weight

from a glucose IV.

Oh, thanks.

Well... no, no,
my little worrywart,

there's no such thing
as a Nutrasweet drip.

Just-just try and close
your eyes and go to sleep.

Good night, puppy toes.

Is everything okay
with your wife?

Actually, no.

She can't get along
with any of her nurses.

Honestly, I'm at a
loss to understand

how a reputable hospital can
hire nothing but troublemakers.

Yes, the little sisters of mercy

have always had that reputation.

Dad,

didn't get a chance to ask you.

How did your
reunion with Artie go?

Lousy.

If you don't mind my asking,

what started this bad blood

between the two of you?

He spread a rumor about
me through the department.

About what?

None of your business.

FRASIER: Oh, come on.

No, I don't want
to talk about it.

Subject closed.

Must have been pretty bad.

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Must have been on the take.

Yeah.

DAPHNE: More likely drugs.

Drugs, yes, drugs. Mmm.

Or sex. Could be sex.

Oh, it's always sex.
Usually all three.

All right, it was
worse than any of that.

He told people...

I cried at Brian's Song.

Dear God.

You always think
that's the kind of thing

that happens to other
people's fathers, not your own.

Well, I wasn't crying.

Me and Artie were
sitting at Duke's

watching the movie, and...

I got some... pretzel
salt in my eye.

Artie thought it was the
funniest thing in the world.

Next thing I know,
he's telling everybody.

Then I become the
joke of the department.

Other cops left
Kleenex on my desk.

They called me "Boo-Hoo" Crane.

Well, I suppose I can understand

your being upset with him,

but what's he so
cheesed off with you for?

Well, I...

I guess I let something slip

about the size of
his wife's behind.

I beg your pardon?

Well, she's got this
gigantic rear end.

I mean, it's enormous.

Looks like she's
shoplifting throw pillows.

And you felt compelled
to share that with him?

MARTIN: Well, I...

For 20 years I tried not to,

and then I guess one day

I let my guard down.

We were both coming
into the station house

and he says "Hi,"
and I says "Hi,"

and he says, "How's the wife?"

And I said, "At least
she doesn't have an ass

the size of Albuquerque."

And that's it.

A 20-year relationship
down the drain

because of a
little name-calling.

No, there's more
to it than that.

I mean, Artie always had to
have the last word. Always.

He couldn't leave
well enough alone.

Couldn't let sleeping dogs lie.

You'd think it was all over,

and then he'd start
saying something again.

Look,

can we drop this?

Artie obviously
still has an attitude

and I got better things to do

than sit around a hospital
room taking abuse.

Oh, God, I'm due
back with Maris.

Oh, if, uh, if anyone needs me,

I'll be sleeping at
the hospital tonight.

Why?

Uh, Maris's doctor feels

it's more soothing
for the patient

to duplicate the
home environment

as closely as possible,

so I slipped a
pearl-handled revolver

under her pillow, and got
myself a room across the hall.

I think we'd better
say a little prayer

for the night nurse.

You know, it's such a shame

your father and his friend

just can't let
bygones be bygones,

especially at a time like this.

I don't know what else to do.

He's just so damn stubborn.

Well, maybe if I had a go at it.

You know, in the
past year and a half,

I've come to have a
pretty good understanding

of how the Crane mind works.

When it works.

Mr. Crane, about your partner.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

No, no, I just
wanted to tell you

I'm on your side.

After the way he treated you,

I say good riddance
to bad rubbish.

Damn right.

It's hard to see how
you could have had

any good times together.

Well, there weren't many.

Oh, occasionally we'd
go fishing together.

DAPHNE: That doesn't
sound like much fun to me.

MARTIN: Well,
not the way I did it,

but Artie got it into his head
he was gonna teach me.

He even went out and
bought this beat-up old boat.

He always said after we retired,
we'd get more use out of it.

Yeah, well, it
seems awfully pushy

of him to foist his
interests on you.

Oh, it wasn't so bad.

I remember one time
I busted my hump

reeling in what turned out to be
someone's old bedroom slipper.

You know what Artie did?

He just unhooked it

and threw it right
on the barbecue.

Well, I guess maybe

he wasn't such a
bad guy after all.

You know, maybe you're right.

I listen to myself talk,
and I sound like a big fool.

Thanks, Daphne.

You really opened my eyes.

I thought I might.

MARTIN: Yeah. I'm going to march

right down to that hospital,

buy him a big stuffed animal,

and then throw my
arms around him

and never, ever let him go.

( blows raspberry)

You really are a hateful
old sod, aren't you?

Come on, Eddie.

Time for your walk.

( phone rings)

Hello?

Yes, it is.

Oh, I... I see.

Yes, well, I guess that

it isn't really a
shock, considering...

Yes. I'm sure they did
everything they could. Yes.

Well...

Thank you.

Who was that?

We can talk about it later, Dad.

Is everything okay?

Why do you ask?

Well, I don't know.

I hear you say "I'm sorry"

and stuff like "I'm sure you
did everything you could"

and it's natural
to be concerned.

You thought that call
was about Artie, didn't you?

No! Yes, you did.

So what if I did?

Well, it just proves my point.

You still care about him.

All right, suppose I
do care about him.

Suppose I do feel bad

about this stupid
fight and want it over.

What the hell can I do?

Well, that's up to you.

If you'd like, I could drive
you down to the hospital.

I don't need you to lead me.

I can drive myself.

No, you can't. Why not?

That was your mechanic.

Your transmission's dead.

( Western playing on TV)

Artie...

Oh, geez. Oh, now, look,

you guys got off
on the wrong foot...

A-All right, Frasier.

I'll handle this.

( gunfire on TV)

Artie...

( door closes)

Will you turn the TV off?

I'll turn it down.

Listen, Artie,

I'm, uh...

I'm sorry about
some of those things

I said earlier, okay?

Maybe all of them.

I guess I was still
a little steamed

that you never came to
see me in the hospital.

I didn't come by because...

well, I just didn't think
you'd want to see me.

Of course I wanted to see you.

That's what my wife said.

Oh, yeah, Loretta.

ARTIE: Anyway, it's nice of you

to come by.

And I know it's not easy

especially for someone
as stubborn as you are.

Me, stubborn? Hey, listen, pal,

I'm not the one who
always has to have the last...

Aw... Aw, you're right, Artie.

I am stubborn.

And it wasn't easy.

Thanks, Martin.

Listen, uh...

Artie and I have a couple

of things to talk about

so, you know, if you, uh...

if you'll just wait outside,
it'll be a lot easier.

No problem, Dad. Anything
I could say right now

would just be irrelevant. Yeah.

One thing you
learn as a therapist

is once things are working
well between people

that anything else you can
say would just be unnecessary...

( sighs)

So what's a rotten
old cop like you

doing in a joint like this?

Believe me, it wasn't my idea.

This is not how I
expected things to end.

What are you talking about end?

You're going to
be out on the street

raising hell before you know it.

I don't know, Marty.

The doctors aren't
exactly tossing their hats

up in the air over this one.

Hey, my sons are doctors.

They don't know nothing.

Now, listen...

you got to get yourself
out of here, okay?

Because we got a lot of
lost time to make up for.

Hey, you still have
that stupid boat?

Oh, yeah.

I hung onto it.

Good! We'll sink
that damn thing yet.

Hey, Artie?

Hmm?

Remember the time you
barbecued the bedroom slipper?

I kept telling you stuff
always tastes better

when you catch it yourself.

Frasier, what are
you doing here?

Oh, I finally got Artie
Walsh and Dad talking again.

Of course, I did have to resort

to some cheap, manipulative
pseudo-psychology.

Always go to your strengths.

Well. What about you?

Looks like you've bought
out the entire gift shop.

Maris should be pleased.

Oh, this isn't for Maris.

It's for her nurses.

Uh... they're having a meeting
right now to discuss her care,

and from what people tell me,

a hospital strike can be ugly.

Visiting hours are
over, gentlemen.

Oh, thank you.

I'll go round up Dad.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, do you work on my
wife's floor, Mrs. Maris Crane?

Yes, I do.

I'd like you to have
these chocolates.

I'm on the night shift.

And this lovely watch.

( laughing)

Dad...

It's... It's time to go.

Why?

You get another phone call
about your dad's transmission?

Your dad told me about that.

Well, all I was doing was...

Yeah, yeah, I know
what you were doing.

Thanks, kid.

See you soon, Artie.

Sure.

Okay, now, we
got a deal, all right?

Soon as you get sprung

from this joint, you're
going to give me

some serious fishing lessons.

If I get out.

When you get out.

You can't have the
last word on this one.

See you, Marty.

See you, Art.

Bye. Bye.

Take care.

Take care.

Stay loose.

See you, Artie!

See you, Marty.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!