Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 9 - Guns 'N Neuroses - full transcript

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Hey, Daph. Hello, Martin.

What's that?

Oh, it's Frasier and
Niles's old playpen.

Got it out of storage for you.

Looks a bit rickety.

Nah, it just needs a
little weight to balance it.

Put a baby in there,
and it'll be fine.

You're not putting my
baby in that deathtrap,

and by the way, did
you move your gun

out to storage,
like you promised?



I'm getting to it.

What? That gun is
still around? Oh, geez.

Dad, two years ago, I
demanded you get rid of it.

You said you did.

Don't tell me it's
still in your closet.

No. It's in a shoe
box under my bed.

Well, I don't want it
here in my apartment.

All right, all right, it'll
go into storage today,

but I don't know what we'll
do if a burglar breaks in.

You could lure him
into that playpen.

You slept awfully
late. Mm, yeah,

oh, well, I was having the
most distressing dream.

I was climbing up a volcano

that was spewing
ice instead of lava.



Ice volcano. Wonder
what that could mean.

Oh, what's this?

Hello, it's Lilith.

Oh, well... Ah, okay.

We're supposed to
be having breakfast,

but you're not here,

and, as I don't
know if you're tardy

or have been in
a terrible accident,

I am unable to commit to an
appropriate emotional response.

Please call me. Thank you.

Oh, damn, I completely forgot.

Lilith is in town for a
one-day conference.

Now I'll have to
cancel lunch to see her.

Can't you catch
her on the next trip?

No, no, she'll only be hurt,

and of course, she'll...
she'll dredge it up

the next time she needs
an emotional trump card.

Ooh! Maybe I can trick her
into canceling lunch on me.

Instead of playing games,
why don't you just talk to her?

We tried talking
when we were married.

We were better at games.

Hello, Lilith. It's Frasier.
Gosh, I'm so sorry.

I was on my way to
breakfast, and, uh...

I-I swerved to avoid
hitting a Pomeranian,

and I-I ran up on the
curb and blew a tire.

All right, well, maybe if
you come by here for lunch.

She won't, she won't.

Okay, then.

All right, see you here
around 1:00. Okay.

Damn.

She came to play.

Hey. Hello.

Hey, Niles. Hey, Dad.

Hey, do you want
to join us for lunch?

We're trying a new
Indonesian place

that's famous for
its Besengek Daging.

Well, wish I could,
but I promised Frasier

I'd stay here till he got
back from the dentist.

Oh, well, we'll
keep you company.

Why'd he need
you to hang around?

He's making lunch for Lilith.

And off we go.

Too late.

Shouldn't you get the door?

You're closer.

I don't live here.

Doesn't matter. You're family.

So is Daphne...
Oh, no, you don't.

Maybe if you slid me a key,

I could let myself in.

Hey, Lilith!

Sorry for the holdup, but, uh,

Frasier should be back
from the dentist any minute.

Oh, all right.

That'll give us
a chance to visit.

Daphne, Niles, congratulations

on the successful commingling
of your genetic material.

Thank you.

Do you know the sex?

Do we? That's how
we got pregnant.

Thank you. No, we're-we're...

we're going to
let it be a surprise.

Oh, okay. Please sit down.

Thank you.

Well, if I was to
guess the gender...

And I'm usually right
about half the time...

I'm being humorous, of course.

I would say it's a boy.

Oh. What makes you say that?

Well, it's highly unscientific,

but the proverbial old wives

would cite the
spreading of your nose,

the unevenness of your breasts,

and the coarse black
hair on your legs.

Interesting.

Is that the shoe box from
under your bed, then?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, Frasier.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Hear what?

He's still coming, isn't he?

Yes, all right, all right.

I'll meet you then. Bye.

Frasier can't make it.

Oh...

well, if you still want lunch,

I've got leftover meat
loaf that's today or never.

Thank you, but I'll get
something at the conference.

Ahh...

There's a bulimia talk today

and I'll wager that's
one lecture hall

with a snack machine outside.

Lovely to see you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Did you hear what
she said about me?

Yes.

That I've got a flat nose,
uneven boobs and bristly legs?

I mean, are they
really that bad?

Not bad.

Maybe a little cock-eyed,
but with a heavy sweater...

I was talking about my legs.

Oh, forget about lunch.

I'm just going to
make a sandwich.

Oh, no, hey... what about me?

Oh, have a banana.

My God!

What was that?

I think the banana went off.

You knocked my gun on the floor.

Is everyone all right?

Daphne, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. Dad, you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I
don't understand this.

I thought the safety was on.

Oh, my God, it blew a
hole through Frasier's chair.

And it shot the
head off the statue.

Look what it did
to the fireplace.

Oh, no, Frasier's
going to kill me.

This is why I've
been telling you

to put the bloody
thing in storage.

Niles was the one who
knocked it off the table.

Well, accidentally, because
I had a banana thrown at me!

To you, not at you.

And you should know
how to catch a banana!

I am not having
this argument again!

If Frasier sees this, I'll
never hear the end of it.

You guys have to help me fix
things up before he gets home.

Forget it, old man.
You're on your own.

If he kicks me out over
this, I'm moving in with you.

All right, what's the plan?

You start calling upholsterers.

Niles, get me some Spackle.

I'll see if I can Crazy Glue
the head back on that thing.

Dad, Dad... what's Spackle?

Anyway, long story short,

six months in he says
I'm "too tightly wound."

Me.

Wow, I don't know
what to tell you, Lil.

Lilith. My name is Lilith.

Oh, it's my beeper.

Oh, darn, they need me
back at the conference.

Okay, but listen, we all
have bad dating experiences,

so don't give up.

Get out there, have
fun, meet people.

You're right.

Thank you, Nancy.

You're a real pal.

And the best survivor guilt

and phantom limb
expert in the game.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Roz... Roz?

Oh, hi, Lilith. What
are you doing in town?

Well, I'm here for a conference

and was supposed to
meet Frasier here for coffee,

but I'm afraid I have to leave.

Will you tell him
I'll call him later?

Sure, no problem.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Can I have change for the meter?

Only if you buy something.

I don't have time... The
meter maid's coming.

Sorry, can't do it.

Well, someone doesn't
want his tip very much.

You haven't ordered anything.

I meant the tip I
gave you yesterday.

Oh, hi, Roz. Hey, Frasier.

Oh, um, Lilith had to leave.

Oh, damn! Again?

Can I help you?

Yes... Yes, I'd like...

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Please, go ahead.

No. that's all right. You go.

No, I insist... after you.

We'll go together.

What're you having?

All right... a
macchiato for here.

One macchiato for here

and a Mocha
Valencia to go, please.

Macchiato man.

Don't meet many of those.

No, no...

We're a... a rare breed.

Spartan... rugged...

You like a dusting of
nutmeg on that, right?

Just a sprinkle.

So, is this your
first time here?

Yeah. I'm in town on business.

First time in Seattle.

That entitles you to a
complimentary beverage.

These are on me.

Thank you.

Tell me, is there
a Mrs. Macchiato?

No.

This may sound a little crazy,

but would you be interested

in having a drink later
with a friend of mine?

I think you might
really hit it off.

Well, it sounds intriguing.

I'm late for a meeting,
but if you're game,

let's just say 7:00
at the Marina Tavern.

And if you change your
mind, here's my number.

All right, then.

Roz, have you ever been
set up on a date with someone

whose name you didn't know?

Oh, please, I've
woken up with dates

whose names I didn't know.

Cappuccino, please.

What's going on?

Well, I just met this woman

who's in town on business.

She asked me to
join a friend of hers

for a drink at the
Marina Tavern.

Oh... well, you know
there is no friend.

The woman you met is
the woman you're meeting.

Oh, that's what I thought.

I wonder why she
wouldn't give me her name?

Well, when you're
in town on business

and you hook up with a stranger,

no names is standard procedure.

I'm not sure that's something

you want to admit knowing, Roz.

I only know it from reading
Erica Jong novels, okay?

I'm not sure that's something

you want to admit, either.

I've got the Spackle.

Good, good...
We'll fill in the crack,

then my faux finisher
can match the stone.

Fabrizio is on his way
here to re-upholster.

Dad, how are you doing?

Great.

This glue should
hold it just fine.

Your guys better
get over here soon.

Frasier's meeting Lilith
after work at the cafe,

which only gives us...

Oh, hello, Mrs. Richman.

Shh! Frasier!

Ahh!

Hello, what's going on?

Oh, just admiring the sunset.

I think it looks best over here,

but Niles thinks it
looks better over there.

Oh, really?

Oh, Niles,

have you changed your
mind about my new statue?

Yesterday you said it
was sterile and unmoving.

Oh, it's moving now.

Well, I'd love to stay
and gloat, but I have

a very intriguing date
for which I must get ready.

Well, good luck with
that. Thank you, Dad.

Oh, what's this?

Frasier, I'm just
leaving the cafe.

Sorry I missed you.

Anyway, if you're
available for a drink,

I'm staying at the Harbor View.

Call me.

Oh, dear... damn!

I've got an exciting
mystery date

and who should rear her
head at the last minute but Lilith.

Well, you know, if
you leave right away,

you'd probably have time
for a quick drink with Lilith

and still make for your date.

Good thinking, Dad.

I could dispense
with the pleasantries

and be on my way.

Help me, help me. The
head is stuck to my hand.

On second thought...

maybe I should
invite Lilith here

so that I can have
more time to get ready.

No!

She's already been here once.

You should go to her.

You're quite right,

but, then, should I change
or am I fine the way I am?

Fine. Oh, hubba-hubba.

Well, then, I'll just
see you all later.

Dad, you're right.

It's a much, much
different sunset from here.

Yes, of course
I'm excited, Nancy.

Can't you hear it in
the timbre of my voice?

Yes, well, I'm afraid I
might be a little bit late.

I'm still waiting
for my ex-husband.

Oh, there he is.

I'll get through this as
quickly as I possibly can.

Yes, all right. Bye.

Hi, Lilith.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Traffic was a bear.

It's good to see you.

Likewise.

Anyway, I'm sorry about

all the missed
connections today,

but at least we have a chance
to catch up, however briefly.

Yes, well, sometimes
with old friends

five minutes is enough.

Ha.

One minute.

So, care for a drink?

Not if I'm keeping
you from something.

Well, actually, I do
have a date this evening.

Oh, really?

Yes. A colleague
of mine fixed me up.

I'm sorry for dragging
you over here

when I have so
little time to give you.

Actually, I'm running
late for a date myself.

I see.

Well, why don't you run along?

I wouldn't want you
to keep Niles waiting.

No. It is with a woman...

A very vibrant, sexy woman.

Ah. Good for you.

Listen, if you're running late

and you need to
cancel our drink...

No, no, no, I've canceled
on you once already today.

Well, I canceled on you twice.
That would make us even.

That's why we're
having the drink.

Ah.

Unless you're worried
that your sexy date

will leave if you're
five minutes late.

Oh, no, not at all.

My absence will only make

her heart grow fonder.

You mind if I use the bathroom?

Certainly. Thank you.

Please don't leave.
Please don't leave.

Please don't leave.

Hello.

Miss Mocha Valencia.

Yes, Macchiatto man here.

Uh, listen, I'm
glad I caught you.

Hi. Where are you?

Uh, well...

something's come up,
and I'm afraid I have to...

Wait, hang on. I
have another call.

Fine.

Hello.

Nancy, it's Lilith again.

Listen, this thing
with my ex-husband

is taking a lot longer
than I expected,

but I will be there,
I promise you.

Uh-oh.

What do you mean "uh-oh"?

I'm on the other line
with your date right now.

I think he wants to cancel.

Before he's even met me?

Tell him I canceled
on him first.

Okay.

I'm really sorry about this.

Hi. So I'm afraid tonight's off.

Off?

Yeah, that was my friend.

She had second thoughts.

Oh, really?

Well, please tell your "friend"

that I wasn't
exactly bowled over

by her first thoughts.

I don't even know
what that means.

So what would you
say to that drink?

I'd say, don't get too
comfortable in that glass.

Well, this is nice.

Yes, very.

Freddy tells me
he dissected a frog.

Yes, and a fetal pig.

Of course, I made him
do his homework first.

Lilith, you seem preoccupied.

Is this about your
blind date tonight?

You could say that.

Well, for what it's worth,
whoever this guy is...

he'll feel awfully lucky when
you walk through the door.

Thank you, Frasier,

but I really shouldn't be
keeping you from your date.

Oh, right.

Well, I guess I
should be going, yes.

Although, you know, you
are here for just one night.

Perhaps I could call and
push things back a bit?

Maybe I could
delay mine as well.

Great.

All right.

What excuse are
you going to use?

Oh, I'll just trot
out my stand-by...

It works every time.

Simply say that I swerved

to avoid hitting a Chihuahua,

ran up on a curb
and blew a tire.

This morning you said
it was a Pomeranian.

Well, this morning it was.

So I'm in the middle
of this date from hell,

when Kenny walks
in with his cousin,

whom I'd passed on sight unseen.

Turns out she's
not only gorgeous,

but her name is
actually Miss Wright.

Okay, you win. Mm-hmm.

Say, are there any more
kettle chips in the mini bar?

No. We can have either
Gummi Bears or cashews,

but I'm afraid we
can't afford both.

Erin, would you stop?

I don't even know what I did.

Why do you always say
that like you think it will help?

Because when I
guess, you get angrier!

Boy, that takes
you back, doesn't it?

What, did I forget
to notice your hair?

That's not why I'm mad.

I'm just going to
ask them to be quiet.

I can't talk to you
when you're like this.

I'm going out.

Sean, what are you doing?

Oh, uh... Sorry.

That's not the hall.

Yes, uh...

It's all right.

You see, we
overheard your quarrel,

and in the interest of
keeping the peace and quiet,

maybe we could
offer some assistance.

It's okay, we can
handle it ourselves.

Oh, can you, Sean?

You don't even
know what you did.

Please, won't you come in?

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
This is Dr. Lilith Sternin.

We are psychiatrists.

There's no need to be afraid.

We are here to help.

So, what, you're like caped
crusaders for mental health?

No, not caped.

Please, come and sit down.

All right then.

What seems to be the problem?

Uh...

When we were at dinner,

he was checking
out another woman.

And you feel threatened by this?

Shouldn't I? Well, maybe.

Shot in the dark here:

your parents are
divorced; Dad left Mom.

Yeah. How'd you know?

It's classic transference.

Because your father
and mother split up,

you overreact whenever
you perceive a threat

to your current relationship.

And, you, you care
about this woman?

Absolutely.

Then keep your
eyes in your head.

It bugs her and it's bad form.

And if he should fail at this,

which he will, he's a man...

It does not mean he's
going to leave you.

Or that I don't love you.

Because I do.

I know.

I love you, too.

Wow, you guys are good.

Yeah, that was amazing.

So, do you two just have
the best marriage ever?

Actually...

Yes... we do.

Well, uh... thank you.

It was really nice meeting you.

Likewise, likewise.

You seem like an
awfully nice young couple,

and I'm sure you'll
understand if I lock the door.

Good night.

Good night.

Well done, Dr. Crane.

Back at you, Dr. Sternin.

I'd suggest that
we try a high five

but I recall we
attempted that once

after a bridge victory and
you scratched my cornea.

Well, I guess we shouldn't
keep our dates waiting any longer.

Right.

Good luck on your romantic
adventure this evening, Lilith.

Don't you worry...

You're going to
knock his socks off.

Frasier...

I don't have a date
anymore. He canceled.

You're kidding.

No. I was too proud
to admit it to you.

How pathetic is that?

Well, there's no need to
beat yourself up about it.

Come on. A fake
phone call to "buy time"?

It's understandable.

Just a face-saving
gesture in the light of...

Oh, my God, your date
canceled on you, too.

All right, yes.

It's a banner
day for both of us.

All this lying has certainly
worked up my appetite.

You want to get room service?

That might be nice.

Okay.

Certainly beats sitting alone

wondering what we missed
out on this evening, hmm?

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Frasier?

Hmm? Hmm.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

I must have dozed
off during the movie.

Me, too.

What time is it?

Uh... it's almost 6:00.

6:00?

I have a 7:30 flight.

Well, I'll just get
out of your hair.

Listen, Lilith, dinner
was lovely last night.

I had a great time.

Yes. Well, much better
than those blind dates

could have possibly been.

Absolutely.

Well, listen, have a
safe trip and all that,

and give Freddy a hug for me.

I will. All right.

You know, it's funny... What?

Well, I was just thinking
that if we had never met,

we're exactly the kind of people

that somebody might
set up on a blind date.

You always were one
for droll hypotheticals.

Yes. It's amusing
to consider, though.

What would we
think of each other

if we were just meeting
now for the first time?

But if we hadn't met, we'd
be different people now.

Ah, true.

But then that raises
many other questions.

I mean, what sort of man
would the non-Lilith Frasier be?

What sort of woman...?

Did I mention I have
a plane to catch?

Of course.

But you're right.

It was a lovely evening.

We do have our
baggage, don't we?

But then sometimes that's
what makes the trip so interesting.

With one hand, the
past moves us forward,

and with the other,
it holds us back.

Good-bye, Lilith.

Good-bye, Frasier.