Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 8 - Murder Most Maris - full transcript

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What's got Daphne
all worked up now?

It wasn't Daphne.

It was Maris.

She's gotten involved

with some Argentine polo player.

It turns out he's a gold digger

with a violent temper to boot.

Dr. Crane? Yes?

I'm Esteban di Rojo.

I tell you, Maris will never
come between us again.



And now, news headlines.

Police have just arrested
Seattle socialite Maris Crane

for the murder of her lover,
polo star Esteban di Rojo.

Oh, come in.

Niles. What have you heard?

Not much. The TV news
is still pretty sketchy.

Dad, did you find anything out?

I called some
buddies at the station.

They'll call back when
they know something.

It's just so freaky.

I can't believe
that man is dead.

He was standing right where
you are just a few hours ago.

How you holding up, son?

As well as can be expected.



I meant your brother.

Oh, well, I'm-I'm
stunned, of course.

The idea that-that Maris
actually killed someone...

Well, we've all seen her
murder many a lively dinner party.

That's terrible. Frasier.

Oh, come on. I'm joking,

and haven't I earned a
right to my gallows humor?

After all, are you forgetting
that just this afternoon

I was punched in the
face by a man now dead?

Thank you.

Here, drink this.

Oh, thanks.

Hello.

This is he.

Yes, of course.

Uh, I'll be there shortly.

It's the police.

They want to talk to me.

My God, why? They
don't suspect you

of anything, do they?

I don't think so.

I don't think they could.

They couldn't, could
they? Dad? Calm down.

You had lunch with her today.

They just want to know
what you talked about.

What did we talk about?
What did we talk about?

Uh, let's see. Well...

We-we discussed the
upcoming women's arts festival

and their tableaux vivant.

They're going to be
re-enacting Schmitt's painting of

"The Martyrdom of St.
Ursula by Attila the Hun."

Naturally, Maris
will pose as the Hun.

Ah.

A tad dramatic for my taste,

but nonetheless, I
told her I'd help out

by lending her my
antique crossbow

to help complete the
tragic scene on the Rhone.

Of course, talk of the Rhone

inevitably led to that
wonderful anecdote

about the Nazarene painters
of Biddlespock Palace.

Those beer-loving rascals.

Tell it, Niles.

No!

What did she say
about the polo guy?

Well, I-I told you,
she-she mentioned

she felt unsafe around him

and that she thought
he only wanted her

for her money, and I urged
her to end the relationship.

Well, that's pretty tame stuff.

It'll take more
than a little lunch

to tie you into a murder.

Oh, dear. Niles, they're in
front of Maris' house now.

Startling new development
in the society murder case.

Sources say alleged murderer

Maris Crane killed her polo-
playing lover, Esteban di Rojo,

with an antique crossbow.

You gave her the murder weapon.

Hello?

It's a reporter.

I'm not here.

I'm sorry, he's not here,

and I don't know
when he's coming back.

I'd rather not say.

I'd rather not say!

Oh, thank you.
Manchester, actually.

Hang up.

Good-bye.

I don't believe this.

It's an unlisted number.

They must think I'm
involved somehow.

Th-they're actually
trying to imply that...

No, no, no, I'm
not going to panic.

The only way to get
through this is to remain calm.

Right. Now, let's go
on down to the station

and get this all sorted out.

I'm coming, too.

No. You have to rest up

for our doctor's appointment
tomorrow morning.

I'll stay with Daphne.

Don't worry.

Everything is going to be fine.

You know, that's
going to go on all night.

You want to just
stay at my place?

Thanks, but if I let them
drive me out of me own home,

then they've won.

Allow me.

Hello?

I see.

Yes, I'll tell her.

Your mother heard the
news. She's on her way over.

I'll pack a bag.
You get the car.

Well, we survived.

The kid held up.

What took you all night?

Oh, there was a lot of waiting.

Here, let me take your jacket.

Thank you.

Fortunately, we found
a nice, cold metal bench

between two drunk bikers

and a pimp who
called me Peaches.

Yeah, and the interesting thing

happened when we were leaving.

We ran into Maris'
lawyer on the way out.

And he told us the whole story.

Apparently Maris and
Esteban had a fight,

and Maris kicked him out.

She was trying to calm
herself by practicing

her tableaux vivant pose

with the... with the crossbow,

which she needs all
the practice she can get.

She has terribly weak triceps.

Well, all of a sudden,
Esteban burst back in

through the balcony window.

Maris was-was startled to death

and pulled the
trigger in self-defense.

He was dead before
he hit the parquet.

So where is she now?

They're holding
her as a flight risk.

Can you imagine?

Well, it didn't help that
when they found her

she had a passport, a wig
and $10,000 in her purse.

Maris always has
those things in her purse.

Well, you've got
to admit, Niles,

it doesn't look very good.

I can't believe she
could have planned this.

You do learn something
about a woman

when you've slept in the
room next to hers for 15 years.

Oh, that must be the paper.

So she just happened

to be posing with
a loaded crossbow

the exact moment
he burst in on her?

And don't you just
know the prosecutor

is going to try to twist that
into something sinister?

Oh, dear.

It's on the front page.

They don't mention
Niles, do they?

Let me see...

Ah, here we are, yes, uh,

"Maris Crane is believed

"to have gotten the crossbow
from her ex-husband,

"Dr. Niles Crane,
with whom she lunched

on the day of the murder."

Is that you and Maris
on your honeymoon?

Uh, that is the experimental
liposuction center in Gestaad.

So, yes.

"According to sources,
Crane divorced the accused

"some years ago to
marry her plastic surgeon

"whom he left in order
to marry..." Oh, dear.

"To marry Daphne
Moon, a housekeeper."

Oh, that's just lovely.

Now, now, now, now.

The press is notorious
for getting things wrong.

Yes. Niles is right.

For-for example, look.

Further on here, it-it says,

"Dr. Crane is the brother
of local deejay Frazer...

With a 'Z'... Crane."

You just have to
laugh these things off.

Well, I can't laugh.

That horrible woman has managed

to slither her way
back into our lives.

No, she is not back in our life.

This whole thing is going
to blow over in no time.

How can you be so calm?

Well, in situations
such as this,

there are only
two ways to react.

Either you go to
pieces or you stay calm,

and I've chosen
to do the latter.

Bravo, Niles.
That's very healthy.

Yeah. Well, better go home, son.

Get some sleep.
You've had a long night.

That is a good idea.

I'll call you later.

All right. Thank you.

Oh. We have your doctor's
appointment this morning.

Oh, don't worry, you
don't have to come.

Oh? And miss hearing
my baby's heartbeat?

I don't think so.

Besides, I'll be fine.

Plenty of time to sleep
after the baby's born.

How you holding up?

Apart from the lack
of sleep, I'm all right,

although, now
that it's in the news

that I provided the
crossbow, I can't go anywhere

without people
whispering and pointing.

Oh, excuse me.

Hello?

Hello, Maris.

Oh, I'm-I'm so sorry.

Yes, that's awful.

I'll-I'll-I'll do what I can.

Yes, all right.

Oh, that was Maris.

Poor thing lost her shoes.

She put them outside her
cell to be polished, and...

someone named Big Judy
is holding them for ransom.

Well, I...

how often does she call you?

Uh, more often than
you'd think she could,

being in jail.

Hasn't she made
your life hard enough?

Oh, I can't turn my
back on her now, Roz.

She's literally
fighting for her life.

Oh, wonderful.

More news vans.

Maybe it's time I
made a statement.

Absolutely not, Niles.

That is the worst possible
thing you could do.

It would only fan the
flames. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you slip
out the back way,

and I will talk to them for you.

Oh, that's... there's
no need, Frasier.

No, Niles, I insist.

I'm used to dealing
with these media jackals.

You have no idea how
they can twist your words

with editing tricks
and such. All right.

Off you go.

Thank you, Frasier.

Is Niles Crane in here?

He is not.

I will be speaking
on his behalf.

Gentlemen, you may roll tape.

Good afternoon, Seattle.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
spokesman for the Crane family.

Recent events involving
my brother, Niles Crane,

and his ex-wife are tragic...

almost as tragic as the
rampant media speculation

concerning his involvement.

If there is any
justice in the world,

Maris Crane and Niles
Crane will soon be executed.

Thank you. That
is all I have to say.

I said no such thing.

I did? I did?

Excuse me. Excuse me. Come back.

Maris Crane and Niles Crane

will soon be executed.

That's four times
in one newscast.

Must be some kind of record.

They know I meant exonerated.

Oh, Daphne, Niles!

Listen, I'm, I'm so sorry
about today's little gaffe.

You know what I meant.

Oh, don't worry.

Anyone can make a little slip.

We know you were only
trying to ruin our lives.

I mean, help.

Niles, once again, I'm so sorry.

No, no, Frasier,
please, it's all right.

I should have talked
to them myself.

I hope it'll be all right

if we stay with you for a while.

Why? What happened?

Well, since Frasier's
little press conference,

the media frenzy's
only increased.

It's become a nuisance
for our neighbors.

TV crews and news helicopters,
plus the entire press corps

from Esteban's
hometown in Argentina.

Last night some cheeky bloke
from the Buenos Aires Herald

climbed a tree
and took a picture

of old Mrs. Gotschalk
in her sitz bath.

Apparently, the
readership of the Herald

is mostly lonely gauchos.

You know, Niles,

your good cheer in
spite of everything

is just remarkable.

Well, I've chosen
not to let it get to me,

and it hasn't.

Of course, much of the
credit goes to my Daphne.

I-I'm so truly blessed to have
such a loving and supportive wife.

She is at once my
huggle-bunny and my rock.

I think I might throw up.

Huggle-bunny was a bit much.

No, no, my stomach, it's upset.

Well, Daphne, can I
get you something?

Oh, thank you, Frasier.

I wouldn't mind
ten years in prison.

Oh, I meant crackers.

Well, I-I guess I deserve
that, but, uh, may I remind you,

I'm a bit of a victim myself...

as just yesterday I was
punched in the face by a man...

now dead.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello... Mmm.

No, no, I haven't forgotten.

Yes, I'll try to get there
tomorrow morning.

All right, good-bye, Mmm...

That was Maris, wasn't it?

Where will you be
tomorrow morning?

The jail. I-I-I said
I'd try to visit her.

Have you lost your bloody mind?!

I have tried to be patient,

but this is too much!

You promised me that woman
would be out of our lives.

Now she's calling every minute,

the papers report as though
you two are still married,

and I can't even
sleep in my own bed!

I know, darling, b-but
you can't blame me

for everything that's happened.

The hell I can't!

If you hadn't snuck off
to have lunch with her,

we never would have
been dragged into this,

and you wouldn't be sleeping
alone on the couch tonight.

But you did, and
we were, so you are!

I hate that kind of cracker!

That was kind of harsh.

I'll say.

These are imported from Belgium.

Poor thing.

She's overtired
and a little hormonal.

I'll, I'll go try to talk her
into choosing to be calm.

Boy, he's really
holding up well.

A little too well.

I'm starting to fear

he's not dealing with
his emotions at all.

Right.

That's the whole
secret to holding up.

Dad, it's called "repression,"
and it is not healthy.

The man is a walking
pressure cooker.

It's his senior year

all over again.

What are you talking about?

Oh, that's right.

He swore me to secrecy.

Well...

Niles got mono.

He missed four
weeks of class, right?

So, he was studying
around the clock,

trying to catch up.

Just before finals, his
girlfriend dumped him

for his roommate.

Niles insisted he was just fine

right up until the very moment

when they found him
in the all-night grocery,

sitting in a freezer bin,

talking to a bag
of frozen corn...

whispering, "Why
so cold, my love?"

All calm.

Want me to help you
make up the couch?

No, no. I can manage.

Okay. Well, I think
I'll hit the rack, too.

Sherry, Niles?

Oh, how lovely.

Thank you.

Mmm.

To the balcony?

Mm, after you.

Niles, while I admire
your initial fortitude,

I can't help thinking you
may have taken things

to extremes.

As you know, it can be dangerous
to repress one's emotions.

Ah, true, but there is no way

of weathering a
situation like this

without a certain
degree of detachment.

Are you sure you're
not too detached?

Oh, nonsense.

Everything's under control.

Oh, look at that.

What in the hell?!

Just a news chopper!

Pay it no mind!

That doesn't bother you?!

You get used to it!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Get inside!

You should be
ashamed of yourselves.

You know perfectly well
I meant "exonerated"!

Hello, Roz.

Hi, Niles.

A cappuccino, please.
And one for him.

You don't look so good.

I didn't get much
sleep last night again.

I'm surprised you're
here after yesterday.

I refuse to be cowed
into changing my routine.

Let me get this.

I have my coffee, I go to work.

Of course, all my patients
want to talk about is Maris.

Esteban's crazed
brother left me a message,

saying I owe some
sort of blood debt.

Some days it just doesn't
pay to get off the sofa.

You've had it pretty rough.

What are my choices?

I can go to pieces,
or I can bear up

and live my normal life.

Can I get a straw, please?

Oh, sorry, sir, that
was the last one.

I see.

The last straw.

Gosh, is it warm in here?

It is. It is. It's warm in here.

Oh, it's suffocating.

That's better.

I'll get you a straw, Niles.

Do you need a straw?

No, no, no. You heard her.

There are no more straws.

Oh, that feels so much better.

Oh, everything was
just so tight before. Aah!

Yes! Oh!

Coffee shop without straws?

It makes no sense.

You can borrow my straw, see?

Oh, this is great.

I was being smothered.

Oh, I can breathe!

I don't know how you stand it.

Hello, Frasier? It's me.

How close are you to the cafe?

All right, well,
hurry up and park,

because Niles is
almost completely...

Niles is completely naked.

Oh... Niles.

I'm calling the cops.

The hell you are.

This man's tips alone
have probably paid

for all the pot
you'll ever smoke.

Just back off, cowboy.

And that goes for
the rest of you, too.

Hello, Niles.

Hey.

What's going on?

Heat wave in Texas.

Well, Niles, maybe
you should, uh,

put some clothes on.

Ah...

nah.

No. No, too much.
Too much on me.

I'm feeling very constricted.

I'm fine now. Don't touch me.

Niles,

look at yourself.

Hello.

I think I'm having that dream
where I'm naked in Nervosa.

I think a lot of people
are having that dream.

We have to go now, Niles.

Oh. But...

you're not getting
in my car like that.

Is he okay?

It's just a-a panic attack.

It's happened before,

but he's never
been quite this close

to butterfly-net territory.

May I have your apron, please?

And-and yours?

All right, Niles, I'm
going to wrap you up

like a big, green
Christmas present.

You like Christmas, don't you?

There we are.

Oh.

Okay, listen up.

Me and my friends are
going to back out of here,

nice and easy.

As far as any of
you are concerned,

this never happened.

And if any of you
decide to be a hero

and call the police,
trust me, I will find you.

Oh, Roz, that was persuasive.

Well, there's nothing
worse than waking up naked

with a bunch of
cops standing around.

I bet.

Well, there he is!

Rise and shine, lazybones.

I'm surprised
it's still light out.

I thought it would
be dark by now.

Well, it was already.

You've been asleep for 20 hours.

Oh, well, I guess I needed it.

So how are you feeling?

Oh, much better.

Frasier, I'm so sorry
I embarrassed you.

Niles, you didn't
embarrass me one bit.

Well, maybe...
maybe just a little.

On our way to the car,

a breeze from a
passing school bus

turned your apron
into a cape and...

Hello?

It's Maris.

You don't have to take this.

No, I really should.

Hello, Maris.

Yes, yes, listen,

there's something
I-I want to say...

Yes, but...

Well, of course, you're alone!

You're alone because
you killed your boyfriend!

Now, I am on your
side, but there is a limit

because I have a
wonderful, pregnant wife.

And as far as my
attention is concerned,

she comes first, always.

I will help you through this,

but now you have to help
me by saying good-bye.

No. No. No. What
do you have to say?

Yes, good-bye.

Now there's the Niles
that's been missing in action.

Thanks for what
you said about me.

Though I haven't been
completely wonderful.

No, you've been irritable and
you made me sleep on a couch.

That's the stuff, Niles.

Doesn't it feel good
to get it off your chest?

Oh, stuff it, Mr. Malaprop.

Family spokesman.

The Manson family should
have a spokesman like you.

He's really getting the
hang of this, isn't he?

And you.

I'd have been home from
that jail an hour earlier

if you hadn't
convinced your buddies

to let you squeeze off a
few rounds into a Dumpster.

You kept him waiting

while I was at
home worried sick?

I was doing him a favor.

Keeping him away from
you and your hormones.

Oh, some favor.

Making me stay with Frasier.

He made me do housework.

I'd forgotten that
until this moment.

You made her do housework?!

A pregnant woman?
That's pretty low.

Oh, fine! Fine!

Turn your anger on me!

It's almost as if
you'd forgotten

that not three days ago,

I was punched in the
face by a man now dead.

Thank you.

Now who wants pancakes?

Oh, I love pancakes.