Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 10 - Sea Bee Jeebies - full transcript

Captioning sponsored by NBC
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

Hey, you're looking a
little under the weather.

You all right?

He most certainly is not.

He dined on that
lovely can of bacon fat

you've been hiding
under the sink.

Aw, geez. Poor little guy.

You know bacon
grease is bad for dogs.

Ironic, considering its vast
health benefits for humans.

Hello. Hi, guys. Hello.

Hey. Sorry we're late.



Well, that's all right.

We're not having
lunch until 1:15.

Oh, great.

Oh, long night, Niles?

Oh, a bit. We were
out at a party last night.

At Bill Gates' house.

Really?

Some sort of charity event?

Oh, no, just a few
people over for dinner.

His wife has been following

Maris's case, and
she wanted to meet us.

It seems the story's captured
everyone's imagination.

People want to get
the inside scoop.

Their house is enormous.



I got lost going to the loo,

but a voice in the
wall guided me back.

Sounds like fun.

Anyway, I thought after lunch

we might stop by the museum

for the Goya exhibit.

Actually, we're going

tomorrow night
with the Blenkinsops.

Tomorrow? But...

the museum's closed tomorrow.

Not for Bunny and Bruce.

Well. Oh.

With all the rarefied elbows
you've been rubbing lately,

I'm surprised you could
find the time for lunch

with a commoner like me.

Oh, now, stop, but
if we could get going,

I have a perfume launch at 4:00.

Oh.

It's a pretty lady
holding some mail.

Oh, you didn't pull
that trick again, did you?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Step aside. Don't let
her slip it under the door.

Hello.

Hi. Sorry to disturb you.

Some of your mail
got mixed in with mine.

Oh, dear. How did that happen?

Some of it just seemed
to be jammed in there.

Uh-huh.

Really? Well, you know,

we must make
allowances for our mailman.

He's a veteran.

So, uh...

my name's Dr. Frasier Crane.

Caroline Harwich.

Nice to meet you,
and this is my family.

My father, Martin Crane.

Hi.

My sister-in-law, Daphne,

and my brother, Niles.

You look awfully
familiar. Have we met?

I am somewhat of a media figure.

No, your brother.

Oh, you're Niles Crane
from that big murder case.

I saw you on the news.

Mmm. He's been on
three times this week.

He's practically famous.

Oh, well... hardly famous.

Yes, my brother doesn't
like to toot his own horn.

You know, I was discussing
that very personality type today

on my very popular radio show.

Oh, right, right...
Dr. Frasier Crane.

Yes.

Yes, my mother listens to you.

Oh.

Well, anyway, it was
nice meeting you all.

Yes, likewise.
Take care. Bye-bye.

Yes, bye.

You know, isn't it nice to know

there are still honest
people in the world?

How come your mail
never gets mixed up

with that sweaty
fat guy's upstairs?

We should, we should
really be running along.

Yes, yes, you know, I'm afraid

we'll have to be
lunching at Vindaloo.

I couldn't get us
in at Le Toque.

Mmm...

Oh, n...

Well, you know,
maybe I should call.

I've had the best luck
with restaurants lately.

Well, they swore that they
were absolutely booked solid.

Oh, dear.

Hello. Yes, wondering
if you could possibly

squeeze in three
for lunch today?

That's Dr. Crane.

No, actually Niles.

Oh, how lovely. Thank you.

We'll see you in a bit.

Oh, hey, Fras.

Oh, hi.

I'm so sorry about the show.

I was a little distracted.

Oh, yes, I sensed that when
you patched through Wanda,

who wanted to know what
our soup of the day was.

My sister Denise is in town.
I hate it when she visits.

She isn't happy until she makes
me feel completely miserable.

Do you know what
she called my place?

"Cozy."

Well, that's a compliment.

No, it's code for
smaller than hers.

Cappuccino, please.

She wraps every insult
up in a compliment.

When I try to call her
on it, she just says,

"Hon, I was trying to be nice.

You're so sensitive."

And of course everything
in her life is so perfect.

Her home, her husband,

her stretch of highway
she keeps clean.

She's so competitive.

Mmm.

Well, if it's any comfort,

Niles has been perfectly
insufferable of late.

This whole Maris affair has
gained him some mild notoriety.

He's been flaunting
it like a tattered boa.

I'm trying to do the right thing
and rise above it, of course,

but there are times
when I just want

to step on his
feet... And hard, too.

Ooh.

Denise!

Frasier, hi. Hello, Denise.

How are you?

Good to see you.

Well, you are looking
very distinguished.

Thank you.

That's code for old.

I know.

Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.

Craig called.

The poor thing, he
misses me so much

it's just impossible to
get him off the phone.

I hope this makes it up to you.

Now, Roz, I know you
love your sportswear,

but trust me, men like women

who wear dresses
once in a while.

So you've said.

Denise, you having
fun on your trip?

Oh, yes. Staying with Roz

is always so much fun...
It's sort of like camping.

Ooh.

Hello?

It's my contractors.

Take my advice...
never build a pool house.

Oh, hon, I picked us
up a Seattle magazine

so we can find some
fun things to do this week.

Does that include rolling it up,

turning it sideways and...

Now, Roz.

At least she's trying.

She did get you
a gift, after all,

and look, it's very chic,
and expensive, I'm sure.

And two sizes too small.

All right, she's a bitch.

Thank you.

Hey, hey, it's Mr. SeaBees.

The nominations are in?

Yeah, two of them.

Oh, Roz! Yay!

Actually, Roz, they're
both for Frasier.

You're up for Best Host

and Best Informational Special,

which gives you the lifetime
record for most nominations.

Oh, my God! I'm...

I'm so flattered.

I hope you two will
join me at my table?

Ugh, those awards are endless.

They're torture.

Can I bring my sister?

Of course.

Oh, look. It's Niles.

You going to tell him you
broke the SeaBees record?

If it comes up.

You know, Doc, we should
take advantage of this thing.

I got a friend at the Seattle
Times who owes me one.

I could ask him to
write a big profile on you.

Thank you, no, Kenny.

Let others engage in that sort
of shameless self-promotion.

I'm not interested in
playing that sort of game.

Oh, Niles.

Hi. Listen, Frasier,
I'm so sorry.

I have to cancel tonight.

I-I-I'm going to go
hear Tony Bennett.

Oh. Really? Really,
where's he playing?

At Frank Gehry's birthday party.

Well, speaking of
glamorous parties, Niles...

Oh, no, is that
Seattle magazine?

I was hoping you hadn't seen it.

Seen what?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

It's a silly thing.
It's page 30.

Oh, it's one of those

"What's Hot-What's
Not" lists. I love these.

"Heirloom tomatoes, hot.

Sun-dried tomatoes, not..."

Give me that.

Ha-ha.

"Dr. Niles Crane, hot.
Dr. Frasier Crane..."

Well, you see where
they're going with this.

Well, we'll just
see who's not hot

when the winter/spring edition

of Seattle
Broadcaster comes out.

For your information,
Niles, I have recently...

Excuse me. I'm
so sorry for this.

I'm going to get some coffee.

Oh, dear. Oh...

Oh.

Hello. Hello, Daphne.

A delivery from Bill and Mindy?

Aren't they sweet?

No.

Don't uncrate
it till I get home.

Kenny, about that article.

Way ahead of you, Doc.

No, he'll make
for a great profile.

SeaBees record holder,
doctor, big ladies' man...

The whole ball of wax.

Uh, well, you can
ask him yourself.

Hello. Yes, well, when
would be a good time for you?

Oh, I've just had
the greatest idea.

What if you interview me while
we're at the SeaBee Awards?

Yes, it'll be a
freewheeling chat

against a glittering backdrop.

Splendid. I will see you anon.

Hey.

No, he always talks like that.

Why are you taking
him to the SeaBees?

Because I want him to
see me at my best, Roz.

Do your realize, I'm giving
the opening remarks this year,

and if I do say so myself,
they will change you.

Yeah, from an awake
person to a sleeping one.

Perfect.

All I was lacking was the appropriate
piece of arm candy to accompany me

and there she is.

Who's she?

It's a neighbor of
mine in the building

whose acquaintance
I have recently made.

Oh, right. Daphne told me

you pulled that old mail
trick out of moth balls.

Caroline.

Frasier, hello.

Hi. Good to see you.

Cappuccino, to go.

Thank you so much
for those flowers.

Oh, gosh, it was
the least I could do

after that stumblebum
of a mailman

made you do his job for him.

Oh, I'd send him a complaint
letter if I'd think he'd get it.

That's delightful.

Uh, listen, uh...

I hope this isn't too bold,

but you see, I've been
nominated for a broadcast award,

twice actually,
and I was... well,

there's a, there's a black-tie
gala on Saturday night.

I was hoping you
could accompany me.

Why, thank you. I'd love to.

Fantastic. I'll pick
you up around 7:30.

Well, I worked my magic.

That magnificent creature

will be accompanying
me on Saturday night.

Frasier, the awards
are Saturday morning.

What? Of course they're not.

Yes, they are.

Who would plan an awards
ceremony on a Saturday morning?

Kenny was in charge this year.
He booked the room too late.

See you this weekend.

Oh... Yeah,
bye-bye. Uh... right.

Oh, oh, don't forget...

I'll pick you up, 7:30
Saturday morning.

Bye-bye.

Saturday morning?

Yes, Yes. Did I...?

I did mention that, didn't I?

Oh, gosh. It-it seems
the SeaBees are to be

a cheery breakfast
event this year.

But the good news is, actually,

I'll be able to get
you home by noon.

Bye-bye.

Yeah, I don't think that's
going to work for me.

I have Pilates on Saturdays.

Oh, gosh, I wish you'd
said something sooner.

I'm sorry. Bye-bye.

Yeah.

Oh, you can't
blame her, Frasier.

Who wants to get into hair and
makeup at 8:00 in the morning?

Well, somebody
better. I'm being profiled.

It's gonna look like I
can't even scare up a date.

You scared that one pretty good.

Cindy, where are you?

Listen, this thing's
about to start.

Well, I'm sorry you
broke your heel,

but can't you just put on
a different pair of shoes?

Oh, your actual heel. Ouch.

Well, uh... feel better.

Roz, are you sure
this dress didn't fit you?

Because I'm just swimming in it.

Two Bloody Marys, please.

And there's a 20 in it for you

if one of them's poisoned.

I don't even care which one.

There's a face I'm happy to see.

Frasier.

Not you, Roz. Denise, listen.

Could you do me a small favor?

You see, my date didn't show up,

and there's a
reporter here today

doing a story on me.

Could you pretend to be my date?

Well, sure. First, the valet
hits on me, and now this.

Hi, guys.

Some spread. I
got pigs in a blanket

lying on an omelet pillow.

And check it out...
It snowed cheese.

Oh, Roz, Larry
Gamba couldn't make it.

So, if he wins, can
you accept for him?

Sure, Kenny.
Nothing takes the sting

out of not being nominated

like accepting an award
for my former intern.

Now, Roz, don't frown.

Those lines don't go away.

Oh, hey there! Randy! Over here!

This is the reporter.

Here he is... the Doc himself.

This is Roz Doyle,
his ace producer.

And this is my
dad, Martin Crane.

Dad, could you move over one?

Thank you, Kenny. Here we are.

And I'd like you
to meet my date,

the lovely and talented
Denise Dawson.

Oh, honey, stop it.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Very nice.

So, I'm so glad
you could join us

on our gala morning.

Is this thing always so early?

No. But, then, the
SeaBees has always been

the wayward maverick
of award shows.

In fact, I plan to touch on that

in my opening remarks,

while hewing to
my original theme

of communication as the
engine of social progress.

Sounds great.

Could I get a big
cup of coffee, please?

What's Niles doing here?
I gave him Ronee's ticket.

She said she hated to miss
it, but she didn't want to come.

Hello, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to distribute
some sound bites.

That's quite all
right, Dr. Crane.

I'm very excited to meet you.

Randall Schoonover
of the Seattle Times.

He's doing Oh. Hello.

A profile of me: "A Day in
the Life of Dr. Frasier Crane."

But if there's anything
you'd like to tell my readers...

Oh, uh... thank you.

I'm just here to
support my brother.

"Supports his brother."

Oh! Well, I guess it's time

for me to give my
opening remarks.

You just, uh...

sit tight, and I'll be
back in 20 minutes.

You want to give me a cue

so I know when to
play you offstage?

Ah! You will feel
the pace quicken

as I build to my climax:

a grim verbal picture of the
world without broadcasting.

Just tell me the last words.

I'll say, "Thank you."

Good morning.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
and it is my great honor

to stand before you,
my fellow luminaries,

and welcome you to the
Seattle Broadcasting Awards.

I hope to do justice

to the dignity of this
most august occasion.

I've been asked
to inform everyone

that we are running
low on sausage...

so if you would
please limit yourselves

to one link or patty.

Thank you.

But I'm not finished.

Thanks, Frasier.

Oh... oh, thank you.

Now...

who wants to hand
out some hardware?

Angela DiStefano...

Keith Meebly...

and Chet Hardy,

the legendary host
of "It's Your Dime."

So many greats this year.

This is for you, my dear.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Craig.

Honey, I've got to take this.

Oh. Okay. Hurry back, love.

So, Randall, where were we?

Your brother was just telling me

how Maris is coping with jail.

So is it true that Maris
tried to break out?

Oh, no, no, no.

Her eyebrow pencil
simply rolled out of her cell,

and she went to get it.

It's really the jail's fault

for making those
bars so far apart.

This is really my
brother's day though.

And now the nominees for
Best Informational Special.

Doc, this is you.

Riley Austin for
Underground Skateboarder.

Harper Norton for
Inside the Statehouse,

and Dr. Frasier Crane

for The Young Person's
Guide to Depression.

And the winner is...

Riley Austin.

I'm just going to track
down some Sweet'N Low.

Well, Niles, you should
have powdered your nose

if you planned to spend so
much time in my spotlight.

I was just making conversation.

Well, stop it.

Knock it off, you two.

If you can't share
this reporter,

I'm going to ask him to leave.

Roz, get ready. This
is Larry's category.

I can't believe
that this happened.

No, it-it's all right.

I-I'm still up for Best Host.

Craig... He's leaving me.

What?

He met someone else.

I can't believe this
is happening to me.

And the winner is
Larry Gamba for KACL.

Roz, get up there.

This is so terrible.

I know, I know.

How would you
know what it's like

to lose a husband, Roz?

You never even had one.

Accepting the
award is Roz Doyle.

Um, thanks, Plum.

Um... Larry couldn't
be here today,

but if he were here,

he would say, um...

Yes!

Thank you, God!

Yes! This is the best day

of my entire life!

I-I've just been
waiting for this

since I was a little girl!

Yes!

You have no idea how
much this means to me!

Yes!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I hate men.

Now, now, Denise...

Shut up. You're all the same.

No, listen, Denise, I know...

Get your hands off me! Stop it!

There's no need for
you to write that down.

And now the nominees
for Best Radio Call-in Host.

Better get ready, Doc...
this one has your name on it.

Well, it better, because this
whole show has been a nightmare,

not that it actually
could be a nightmare,

because it's mid-morning.

And the SeaBee goes to...

the late Chet Hardy,
for "It's Your Dime."

Sorry, son.

You can't beat a dead guy.

Dead. That's the
best kind of guy.

I think maybe I have enough.

Uh, no, pl-pl-please don't go.

Uh, listen, the show'll
be over very soon.

They actually have a Bat
Mitzvah booked for noon,

so maybe we can
finish up in the lobby.

Okay, I'll get my
coat. Thank you.

I hope you can join us, Niles.

Oh, uh...

Don't you dare.

You have been monopolizing
that man's time all morning.

You should be thanking me for
distracting him from this circus.

You should talk... You've been the
ringmaster of your own media circus

for the last week. And
it's just killing you, isn't it?

If you think I am jealous
of your tawdry notoriety,

then you don't know who I am.

Just like most of
the people in this city.

You go too far!

Doc, that's Jerry Edwards.

He's supposed to close the show.

Is he all right?

Oh, no,

you knocked his glass eye out.

You're going to have
to close the show.

What? Well,

you took him out... and
you'll be the only guy

in history to open and
close the SeaBees.

Really?

Nobody's ever done it before?

But I don't have
anything prepared.

Don't worry, it's all
on the TelePrompTer.

Now get up there and sing.
It's to the tune of Moon River.

Ooh, think I just
kicked something.

♪ The SeaBees
now are at an end ♪

♪ We hope you've
made a friend or two ♪

♪ And the SeaBees ♪

♪ Have great freebies ♪

♪ Just pick up your bag ♪

♪ At the door to your right ♪

Found it!

That's an olive.

♪ The SeaBees ♪

♪ We hope your day was great ♪

♪ And yes, we
validate... Right there ♪

♪ See Rico, Eduardo or Jen ♪

♪ They'll bring it
round the bend ♪

♪ A Hyundai or a Benz ♪

♪ The SeaBees are through. ♪