Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 11 - High Holidays - full transcript
It is Christmas. Frasier has been asked to act in a commercial for the Seattle Tourist Board, and is more than a little interested in Natalie who is arranging it. He meets her in Café Nervosa, but she also meets Martin and Eddie, and seeing how cute Eddie is, decides that he should be in the video as well - much to Frasier's chagrin. He hopes the arrival of his son Frederick will cheer him up, but when he sees he is now a goth, complete with new goth girlfriend Andi, and wants to spend all his time with her, Frasier is left a little shocked and somewhat downhearted. Niles sees Frederick's goth choice as a phase and typical of a teenage rebellion, prompting a discussion of what everyone did to rebel as a teenager, with Martin pointing out that Niles had never rebelled (even though in season 1 it is stated he was arrested for mooning president Nixon). This leads Niles to take some drastic action: he is "going to get high on reefer!". Frasier questions where he is going to get hold of some - answered when Roz delivers Niles a "pot brownie". Niles' car alarm goes off at that point, and neither Frasier or Roz can stay so Roz gives the brownies to Martin who is just arriving in the Café. He tries to stop himself eating them, as he is trying to cut down on junk food, but can't help himself. Of course, he does not know they are laced with cannabis, but having eaten it, buys a normal one to make sure Niles doesn't know he has eaten the one destined for him. Niles, therefore, is none the wiser and eats his normal brownie still under the impression he will get high, while Frasier cannot believe his eyes when he finally sees the advert for the Seattle Tourist board - they have made Eddie the star with Frasier narrating what Eddie is saying. Undaunted, he leaves to go out on a date with Natalie after Niles arrives "high" on his pot brownie. Martin arrives soon after, and Niles believes that the crazy way his father begins acting is just the pot kicking in. It takes a sober Frasier to point out that it's their father that is high, claiming to Martin "You're stoned off your ass!", which leaves Niles somewhat deflated until his brother points out that he did get their cop father high. Meanwhile, Frasier is a bit depressed as his date (Natalie) left him midway through the date to meet another man. Freddie also experiences the same thing and the similarity in incidents help father and son to bond again.
Captioning sponsored by NBC
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Your cappuccino to go.
Holiday cookies, anyone?
Oh... Oh...
Yes, I believe I
will. Thank you.
No, not for me.
Watching your weight?
Yeah, and it's killing me.
But the other night,
Ronee made a comment
about my "bowl full of jelly."
Well, everyone puts on
a few this time of year.
Everyone doesn't sit around
reading the newspaper
actually slurping
from a bowl full of jelly.
Well, you look
great to me, Martin.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Oh... Eddie and I must have
walked about three miles.
I'm sweating like a pig.
What the hell are you doing?
I am saving that
seat for someone
who may not wish to have
it bedewed with pig sweat.
Frasier?
Oh, Natalie!
Hi. Hello.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Natalie Blanc
of the Seattle Tourism Board.
She wants me to
do a promo for them.
He was just leaving.
Oh, that little dog is adorable.
Yes, and he's smart
as a chimp, too.
Off you go.
Oh... Please...
It's so lovely to
finally meet you.
Thank you, thank
you. Have a seat.
So... tell me about this promo.
Well, it's pretty simple.
It begins with you at
home on the couch.
And you say...
"Anybody feel
like taking a walk?
Then come to Seattle."
And then we see you walking
at the Space Needle, the beach,
the fish market...
But we do all of that
with special effects.
It should only take a
couple of hours tomorrow.
So... are you in?
I'm in.
You know, it's funny.
When you called me at
the last minute, there was
a small, madly
insecure part of me
that wondered if I was
your second choice.
No, you weren't the second.
Nice meeting you. You, too.
Oh...
Oh, that dog is so precious.
Yes, there are times I could
just squeeze him to death.
You know,
maybe he should be
in the spot with you.
Eddie in a commercial?
Mm-hmm.
It's called a spot, Dad.
You look so perfect together.
He could just sit next
to you on the couch.
Well...
I suppose there's no harm
in a little window dressing.
The director will love
it. I'll call him right now.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Eddie's first TV spot.
Oh, knock it off.
You didn't even know that
term 'til ten seconds ago.
Hey, Fras. How'd
the big shoot go?
Well, it went splendidly, Dad.
I thought you were going
with Niles to the airport
to get Freddy.
Yeah, I decided to stay
home and do some decorating.
Ah, yes,
the magical time of year
when the Great Wall of China
and my apartment are the
only two man-made structures
visible from space.
I must say I'm really excited
about seeing Freddy this trip.
Whatcha got planned?
Oh, gosh, everything from
whale watching to a trip
to the garlic festival.
Niles, Daphne...
Where's Frederick?
Actually, he insisted on
taking his own elevator.
Oh, priceless.
Just when you're worried
that he's on the brink
of terrible teendom,
there he is, still
just a little boy
who wants to
play in the elevator.
Hey, Dad.
There he is.
Nice greeting, Dad.
Freddy, why are
you dressed like this?
He's a Goth now.
You all don't have to treat
me like I'm some kind of freak.
No, we're not, Freddy.
It's great to see you.
Maybe you could move up
that trip to the garlic festival.
Listen, Frederick,
I don't understand.
Um, the Goths were plunderers.
Apart from your tendency
to be overaggressive with
your rooks at chess camp,
I don't see the connection.
It's just what I'm
into now, okay?
Me, my friend
Andi... a bunch of us.
But if you don't get
it, you don't get it.
We get it.
It's wonderful.
I didn't mean anything by it.
I simply thought...
Oh, dear God!
Well, thank you, Lilith
for mentioning this
little development.
Oh, it's just a phase.
All teenagers go through
a rebellious period.
It always passes.
You should have
seen me at that age.
Dating the older boys,
hitchhiking, drinking,
shoplifting...
Do you know I can carry a
frozen turkey between my knees?
That'll come in handy
if we ever misplace our
serving platter at Thanksgiving.
Hey, and didn't you tell
me you went streaking?
Well, I had shin
splints at the time
so it was really more
of a brisk nude walk.
What did you do, Niles?
How did you rebel?
Oh, the usual ways.
Thank you, Niles.
Like what?
Oh, like what? Well... uh...
Never happened, Niles.
Your mother and
I kept waiting for it.
I find it hard to
believe that I never...
Nope, nope.
You were one of those good kids.
One time I found
a bag of something
that looked suspicious
in your dresser,
but it turned out
to be something
just to make your
sweaters smell nice.
Well, one time...
Face it, Niles.
You just didn't have
it in you to be bad.
Well...
Freddy, hi.
Listen, I was thinking
maybe we could
take in a movie tonight.
Can't, Dad. I made
plans with my friend Andi.
Your friend Andi
from school is here?
Yeah, visiting relatives.
We're seeing a movie.
But you just got here.
We've got all week, okay?
Be cool.
Hey. Hey.
Well, see ya.
Well, at least he's not
dating outside the faith.
Excuse me, are
you using this chair?
Wow.
Doesn't that's have
a familiar ring to it.
The weary holiday traveler
and his pregnant wife seeking
kindness from a stranger.
Frasier?
I'm afraid I am, yes. So...
Hi, hi. Hello!
Hi, come and sit. Thank you.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
Oh!
Um, cappuccino to go, please.
Oh...
The ad agency loves the spot.
Oh!
Apparently, they got
quite creative with it.
I'll messenger you a copy.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
Listen, I realize
you're dashing off,
but do you think we could
celebrate tonight over a drink?
Sure. How about, uh...
- 00 at Garagiste?
Could you say that again?
Garagiste. You don't know it?
Oh, yes, I do. I just
love hearing you say it.
Oh, Thank you.
Let me get that
for you. Thank you.
I'll see you then.
Yes, take care.
Hello. Hello.
Well, that was a yummy
little stocking stuffer.
Yes. She's the
one I told you about;
the girl with the accent.
Oh, yes.
God, she could read
me the phone book
and I would melt like
an overripe Camembert.
Imagine what she
would do with that...
Camembert.
R-R-R-Roquefort.
Reblochon.
Blu.
We're terrible!
Well, at least it will be nice
to have something to do
this evening, for a change.
Yes.
Is Frederick still
spending all his time
with his little
ghoul-friend? Yes.
They're going to a
concert this evening.
Of course, I don't
begrudge him a social life.
It's just that I feel
so rejected. Mm.
You know, when one has
something they'd clearly rather do
than spend time with you,
it just feels like...
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry. I'm
waiting for someone.
Who?
Well, it really bothered me
when Dad said
that I never rebelled.
I mean, I've been
obsessing about it.
What kind of
self-respecting psychiatrist...
Not to mention father-to-be...
Completely misses one of
life's prime rites of passage?
So, I've decided
to rebel tonight.
Right under Dad's nose.
How?
You ready? Yes.
You sure? Positive.
Move your coffee
it might... Niles!
I'm getting high on reefer.
What?
I've waited for this
all my life, Frasier...
One act of utter,
devil-may-care,
crotch-grabbing brazenness.
And, of course, I'll have
a nurse on speed dial
in case things get too hairy.
And exactly which
of your connections
in the Seattle demimonde is
going to get you this reefer?
Okay, Niles, you're hooked up.
Well, oh...
Just take a look.
Ah, yes, thick and gooey.
Ganja in its purest form.
It's a pot brownie, you idiot.
My neighbor makes them. Oh.
Damn it.
My car alarm again.
I'll be right back.
Wait! But, Niles...
I can't wait. I got a date.
You're not leaving
that thing with me.
Oh, come on, Frasier,
just give it to Niles.
No, no, no, I refuse.
Stop that. Stop
that. It is illegal.
I will have nothing to do
with it, for God's sakes.
What do you take me for,
some kind of common drug mule?
Mule is one word for it.
Hi, Dad. How are you doing?
I'll see you back
at home. All right.
Hey, Martin. Hi,
how you doing, Roz?
Good. How are the
holidays treating you?
Cookie?
Oh, no, just trying to stay away
from things that are bad for me.
Well, that's where
you and I are different.
Can you give this to
Niles? He'll be right back.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, coffee to go, please.
Mmm... mmm.
Mmm... mmm.
Could I have a brownie, please?
Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, Niles, um, uh...
Roz wanted me to give you this.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, you going
to be home tonight?
Yeah, I'm walking home
right now. Oh, good.
I'll see you there.
Have a nice trip.
You, too.
Oh, I will.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Freddy.
Oh, Andi.
How was the mall?
Boring.
Except when that fat kid
threw up in Santa's beard.
That was goth.
Oh, the doorman
had this for you.
Oh, this must be
my tourism promo.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we have a look at it?
I just came to get a jacket.
We're going to the concert.
Oh, come on, Freddy.
You can spare a couple
minutes to check out
your old man's debut
as a spokesman.
All right, where is
that thing? Here we go.
Anybody want to go for a walk?
Then why not come to Seattle?
Oh, dear God.
Where else can you
see... an ocean wave...
a fish fly, a mountain peak...
and the world's largest needle?
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
That is so goth.
It is not goth!
It's outrageous.
It's like some hideous
Frankenstein hybrid of me
and that no-talent dog.
Let's go.
By the way, I'm
staying at Andi's tonight.
What?
At her uncle's.
We have plans all day tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Frederick.
You're not staying anywhere
until I hear from
her uncle first.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, but that is the rule.
Dad!
I'll meet you downstairs.
Do you know how much
you're embarrassing me?
What's your problem?
My problem is that you've
hardly spent one minute
here since you arrived.
Now you tell you have
plans all day tomorrow.
You're really making me want
to spend time with you now.
I'd like to know when
you're going to be home.
Tomorrow, okay?
I'll have her uncle call you.
I never should have
come here in the first place.
Freddy.
Hey.
Hey, Frasier.
What's up?
Just another joyous
holiday moment with my son
to be pasted into my scrapbook.
Ah.
Aren't you going to
ask me what's up?
Didn't intend to, no.
I'd like you to.
All right. What's up?
I am.
I'm as high as the Himalayas!
If I were a city in
Germany, I'd be Heidelberg!
Is Dad home yet?
No.
I'll use this opportunity
to up my dosage.
Oh, Niles!
You realize this is illegal?
Did you actually
drive yourself here?
I'm a little too toasted
for that, Frasier.
No, the minute I knew
I was getting baked
tonight, I called a cab.
And I printed my name
and address on a card
in my pocket in case
I'm still too crispy
to speak to the cab
driver taking me home.
I judge by all this
rich terminology
that you've done some research?
Yes, I know all the symptoms
I can expect to experience.
I'm especially looking forward
to something called
the "munchies" stage.
It's where one enjoys
bizarre food combinations.
I'm thinking of pairing
this Chilean sea bass with
an aggressive zinfandel.
And this is all to
prove a point to Dad?
To Dad and for myself.
Don't I have a right just once
to sip the sweet
nectar of rebellion?
I've got to go put a
jacket on for my date.
Why don't you see if you
can help Dad at the door?
Hi, Niles.
Funny you should say that.
Yeah, it is!
Hey, hey, Niles, let
me ask you something.
Do you ever feel like
you'd just like to go straight?
What?
I was walking home
and I kept thinking about
all the turns we have to make.
Right turn, left turn.
How much easier it'd be
if we just could go straight
over the trees,
over a building.
That's what a giant would do.
They should let everybody
be a giant for a day.
If you had any idea how
strange you seem to me right now.
Why is everybody
saying that to me?
By the way, you are welcome.
Oh... For what?
For turning you on
to the best thing
you will ever eat:
Barbecue pudding chips.
No, thanks.
They looked at me
funny in the store, too,
but you taste that and tell me
that's not better than a woman.
Do you mind?
Oh, I see.
Now you're such a big star,
that the whole world
has to revolve around you.
Fine.
I'll tell you what.
You just gloat all you like.
This is not over between us.
Why am I putting these
chips in this pudding?
Well, I was going to say.
I should be dumping the pudding
in with the chips.
I've been having these
great ideas all day.
I wrote some of them down.
Here.
What do you think this means?
"Dog army."
Oh, that cold medicine
I took this morning
is making me feel funny.
I think I'm going to
go sit down for a while.
Whatever.
Ah...
Anybody want to go for a walk?
Sweet mother!
Where else can you
see an ocean wave...
a fish fly...
a mountain peak...
and the world's largest needle?
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
Eddie?
I know what you're doing.
You're sitting there
thinking you're the king.
Well, you're not.
Niles?!
All right, I'm off to my date.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Niles, that knife is as
sharp as a machete.
You should not not be
chopping with it in your condition.
Do that for him, will you, Dad?
I've come dangerously close
to over-braising my chard.
It's almost as if
something dulled
my motor skills.
You sure you don't want
a little of this on the side?
I can scoop around
the Lucky Charms.
No, thanks.
You know me, Dad.
I'm not much of a rebel.
Too much of a Goody Two-shoes.
Hi, Frasier.
But you've got to
open your mind up.
That's where all the great
inventions come from.
Like, it used to be people
would eat too much,
their pants would get
tight... Big problem.
Then one day,
somebody said, "Wait a minute.
Why not put elastic in them?"
Hi, Fras.
Dad, where are your pants?
In the fridge.
I had a reason.
"Fridge pants."
Dad, when you were
at the cafe today,
you didn't eat a brownie
that Roz brought
for Niles, did you?
Yeah, but I replaced it.
For God's sake!
That was a pot brownie.
You're stoned off your ass!
Well, someone must
feel pretty out of it
being the only one here
who isn't completely burnt.
Oh, knock it off, you imbecile.
You're as sober as I am.
I knew I was feeling woozy.
I thought it was
that cold medicine
I took this morning.
It's all right, Dad.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Dad, are you all right?
Yeah, I'll be fine,
but I better go lie down
before it really hits me.
Come on, boy.
I'll be in there in a
minute to check on you.
Oh, suit yourself, Eddie.
Didn't it occur to you that
he was behaving strangely?
I thought it was me.
I thought it was the
Mary Jane talking.
Oh, Niles, please,
will you drop the drug lingo?
Frasier, I feel terrible.
Yes, well, at least
you had a better
night than I did.
Halfway through our date,
Natalie got a phone call.
An emergency at home.
I decided to take a little walk.
20 minutes later I saw her
in a different bar
with another man.
There was no emergency?
Not unless he had
an infected earlobe
which required an
immediate tongue-flicking.
It's been a hell of a Christmas.
I'm so sorry, Frasier.
Truth be told,
I'm most disappointed
about how things
turned with Frederick.
I've just felt us
drifting apart lately,
and I was hoping that...
we could bond
again on this trip.
You may have given
him a wonderful gift
just by letting him
rebel against you.
Something which I am obviously
completely incapable of achieving.
I'm going home.
You're a good man, Niles.
In a way, isn't that
rebelling against rebellion?
Nice try.
All right, look at it this way.
You did get our cop
father stoned tonight.
I did, didn't I? Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh, madness!
Frederick.
Hey.
What are you doing home?
I thought you were spending
the night at Andi's.
I changed my mind. Good night.
Did something
happen at the concert?
No.
Are you sure?
I can't help noticing
your mascara's run a little.
Andi ran into a "friend"
from her old school.
Ah.
Another boy.
She hardly talked to
me the whole night.
I'm sorry, son.
These things happen.
Well, they always stink.
Did it ever happen to you, Dad?
It may have.
Tell you what.
You know, I've got a box
of that cereal you used to like.
What do you say I pour us a bowl
and I'll tell you
a story or two.
It's happened to
you more than once?
I'll pour you a big bowl.
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Your cappuccino to go.
Holiday cookies, anyone?
Oh... Oh...
Yes, I believe I
will. Thank you.
No, not for me.
Watching your weight?
Yeah, and it's killing me.
But the other night,
Ronee made a comment
about my "bowl full of jelly."
Well, everyone puts on
a few this time of year.
Everyone doesn't sit around
reading the newspaper
actually slurping
from a bowl full of jelly.
Well, you look
great to me, Martin.
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
Oh... Eddie and I must have
walked about three miles.
I'm sweating like a pig.
What the hell are you doing?
I am saving that
seat for someone
who may not wish to have
it bedewed with pig sweat.
Frasier?
Oh, Natalie!
Hi. Hello.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Natalie Blanc
of the Seattle Tourism Board.
She wants me to
do a promo for them.
He was just leaving.
Oh, that little dog is adorable.
Yes, and he's smart
as a chimp, too.
Off you go.
Oh... Please...
It's so lovely to
finally meet you.
Thank you, thank
you. Have a seat.
So... tell me about this promo.
Well, it's pretty simple.
It begins with you at
home on the couch.
And you say...
"Anybody feel
like taking a walk?
Then come to Seattle."
And then we see you walking
at the Space Needle, the beach,
the fish market...
But we do all of that
with special effects.
It should only take a
couple of hours tomorrow.
So... are you in?
I'm in.
You know, it's funny.
When you called me at
the last minute, there was
a small, madly
insecure part of me
that wondered if I was
your second choice.
No, you weren't the second.
Nice meeting you. You, too.
Oh...
Oh, that dog is so precious.
Yes, there are times I could
just squeeze him to death.
You know,
maybe he should be
in the spot with you.
Eddie in a commercial?
Mm-hmm.
It's called a spot, Dad.
You look so perfect together.
He could just sit next
to you on the couch.
Well...
I suppose there's no harm
in a little window dressing.
The director will love
it. I'll call him right now.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Eddie's first TV spot.
Oh, knock it off.
You didn't even know that
term 'til ten seconds ago.
Hey, Fras. How'd
the big shoot go?
Well, it went splendidly, Dad.
I thought you were going
with Niles to the airport
to get Freddy.
Yeah, I decided to stay
home and do some decorating.
Ah, yes,
the magical time of year
when the Great Wall of China
and my apartment are the
only two man-made structures
visible from space.
I must say I'm really excited
about seeing Freddy this trip.
Whatcha got planned?
Oh, gosh, everything from
whale watching to a trip
to the garlic festival.
Niles, Daphne...
Where's Frederick?
Actually, he insisted on
taking his own elevator.
Oh, priceless.
Just when you're worried
that he's on the brink
of terrible teendom,
there he is, still
just a little boy
who wants to
play in the elevator.
Hey, Dad.
There he is.
Nice greeting, Dad.
Freddy, why are
you dressed like this?
He's a Goth now.
You all don't have to treat
me like I'm some kind of freak.
No, we're not, Freddy.
It's great to see you.
Maybe you could move up
that trip to the garlic festival.
Listen, Frederick,
I don't understand.
Um, the Goths were plunderers.
Apart from your tendency
to be overaggressive with
your rooks at chess camp,
I don't see the connection.
It's just what I'm
into now, okay?
Me, my friend
Andi... a bunch of us.
But if you don't get
it, you don't get it.
We get it.
It's wonderful.
I didn't mean anything by it.
I simply thought...
Oh, dear God!
Well, thank you, Lilith
for mentioning this
little development.
Oh, it's just a phase.
All teenagers go through
a rebellious period.
It always passes.
You should have
seen me at that age.
Dating the older boys,
hitchhiking, drinking,
shoplifting...
Do you know I can carry a
frozen turkey between my knees?
That'll come in handy
if we ever misplace our
serving platter at Thanksgiving.
Hey, and didn't you tell
me you went streaking?
Well, I had shin
splints at the time
so it was really more
of a brisk nude walk.
What did you do, Niles?
How did you rebel?
Oh, the usual ways.
Thank you, Niles.
Like what?
Oh, like what? Well... uh...
Never happened, Niles.
Your mother and
I kept waiting for it.
I find it hard to
believe that I never...
Nope, nope.
You were one of those good kids.
One time I found
a bag of something
that looked suspicious
in your dresser,
but it turned out
to be something
just to make your
sweaters smell nice.
Well, one time...
Face it, Niles.
You just didn't have
it in you to be bad.
Well...
Freddy, hi.
Listen, I was thinking
maybe we could
take in a movie tonight.
Can't, Dad. I made
plans with my friend Andi.
Your friend Andi
from school is here?
Yeah, visiting relatives.
We're seeing a movie.
But you just got here.
We've got all week, okay?
Be cool.
Hey. Hey.
Well, see ya.
Well, at least he's not
dating outside the faith.
Excuse me, are
you using this chair?
Wow.
Doesn't that's have
a familiar ring to it.
The weary holiday traveler
and his pregnant wife seeking
kindness from a stranger.
Frasier?
I'm afraid I am, yes. So...
Hi, hi. Hello!
Hi, come and sit. Thank you.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
Oh!
Um, cappuccino to go, please.
Oh...
The ad agency loves the spot.
Oh!
Apparently, they got
quite creative with it.
I'll messenger you a copy.
Oh, that's wonderful news.
Listen, I realize
you're dashing off,
but do you think we could
celebrate tonight over a drink?
Sure. How about, uh...
- 00 at Garagiste?
Could you say that again?
Garagiste. You don't know it?
Oh, yes, I do. I just
love hearing you say it.
Oh, Thank you.
Let me get that
for you. Thank you.
I'll see you then.
Yes, take care.
Hello. Hello.
Well, that was a yummy
little stocking stuffer.
Yes. She's the
one I told you about;
the girl with the accent.
Oh, yes.
God, she could read
me the phone book
and I would melt like
an overripe Camembert.
Imagine what she
would do with that...
Camembert.
R-R-R-Roquefort.
Reblochon.
Blu.
We're terrible!
Well, at least it will be nice
to have something to do
this evening, for a change.
Yes.
Is Frederick still
spending all his time
with his little
ghoul-friend? Yes.
They're going to a
concert this evening.
Of course, I don't
begrudge him a social life.
It's just that I feel
so rejected. Mm.
You know, when one has
something they'd clearly rather do
than spend time with you,
it just feels like...
What the hell are you doing?
I'm sorry. I'm
waiting for someone.
Who?
Well, it really bothered me
when Dad said
that I never rebelled.
I mean, I've been
obsessing about it.
What kind of
self-respecting psychiatrist...
Not to mention father-to-be...
Completely misses one of
life's prime rites of passage?
So, I've decided
to rebel tonight.
Right under Dad's nose.
How?
You ready? Yes.
You sure? Positive.
Move your coffee
it might... Niles!
I'm getting high on reefer.
What?
I've waited for this
all my life, Frasier...
One act of utter,
devil-may-care,
crotch-grabbing brazenness.
And, of course, I'll have
a nurse on speed dial
in case things get too hairy.
And exactly which
of your connections
in the Seattle demimonde is
going to get you this reefer?
Okay, Niles, you're hooked up.
Well, oh...
Just take a look.
Ah, yes, thick and gooey.
Ganja in its purest form.
It's a pot brownie, you idiot.
My neighbor makes them. Oh.
Damn it.
My car alarm again.
I'll be right back.
Wait! But, Niles...
I can't wait. I got a date.
You're not leaving
that thing with me.
Oh, come on, Frasier,
just give it to Niles.
No, no, no, I refuse.
Stop that. Stop
that. It is illegal.
I will have nothing to do
with it, for God's sakes.
What do you take me for,
some kind of common drug mule?
Mule is one word for it.
Hi, Dad. How are you doing?
I'll see you back
at home. All right.
Hey, Martin. Hi,
how you doing, Roz?
Good. How are the
holidays treating you?
Cookie?
Oh, no, just trying to stay away
from things that are bad for me.
Well, that's where
you and I are different.
Can you give this to
Niles? He'll be right back.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, coffee to go, please.
Mmm... mmm.
Mmm... mmm.
Could I have a brownie, please?
Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, Niles, um, uh...
Roz wanted me to give you this.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, you going
to be home tonight?
Yeah, I'm walking home
right now. Oh, good.
I'll see you there.
Have a nice trip.
You, too.
Oh, I will.
Hi, Dad.
Hey, Freddy.
Oh, Andi.
How was the mall?
Boring.
Except when that fat kid
threw up in Santa's beard.
That was goth.
Oh, the doorman
had this for you.
Oh, this must be
my tourism promo.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't we have a look at it?
I just came to get a jacket.
We're going to the concert.
Oh, come on, Freddy.
You can spare a couple
minutes to check out
your old man's debut
as a spokesman.
All right, where is
that thing? Here we go.
Anybody want to go for a walk?
Then why not come to Seattle?
Oh, dear God.
Where else can you
see... an ocean wave...
a fish fly, a mountain peak...
and the world's largest needle?
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
That is so goth.
It is not goth!
It's outrageous.
It's like some hideous
Frankenstein hybrid of me
and that no-talent dog.
Let's go.
By the way, I'm
staying at Andi's tonight.
What?
At her uncle's.
We have plans all day tomorrow.
I'm sorry, Frederick.
You're not staying anywhere
until I hear from
her uncle first.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry, but that is the rule.
Dad!
I'll meet you downstairs.
Do you know how much
you're embarrassing me?
What's your problem?
My problem is that you've
hardly spent one minute
here since you arrived.
Now you tell you have
plans all day tomorrow.
You're really making me want
to spend time with you now.
I'd like to know when
you're going to be home.
Tomorrow, okay?
I'll have her uncle call you.
I never should have
come here in the first place.
Freddy.
Hey.
Hey, Frasier.
What's up?
Just another joyous
holiday moment with my son
to be pasted into my scrapbook.
Ah.
Aren't you going to
ask me what's up?
Didn't intend to, no.
I'd like you to.
All right. What's up?
I am.
I'm as high as the Himalayas!
If I were a city in
Germany, I'd be Heidelberg!
Is Dad home yet?
No.
I'll use this opportunity
to up my dosage.
Oh, Niles!
You realize this is illegal?
Did you actually
drive yourself here?
I'm a little too toasted
for that, Frasier.
No, the minute I knew
I was getting baked
tonight, I called a cab.
And I printed my name
and address on a card
in my pocket in case
I'm still too crispy
to speak to the cab
driver taking me home.
I judge by all this
rich terminology
that you've done some research?
Yes, I know all the symptoms
I can expect to experience.
I'm especially looking forward
to something called
the "munchies" stage.
It's where one enjoys
bizarre food combinations.
I'm thinking of pairing
this Chilean sea bass with
an aggressive zinfandel.
And this is all to
prove a point to Dad?
To Dad and for myself.
Don't I have a right just once
to sip the sweet
nectar of rebellion?
I've got to go put a
jacket on for my date.
Why don't you see if you
can help Dad at the door?
Hi, Niles.
Funny you should say that.
Yeah, it is!
Hey, hey, Niles, let
me ask you something.
Do you ever feel like
you'd just like to go straight?
What?
I was walking home
and I kept thinking about
all the turns we have to make.
Right turn, left turn.
How much easier it'd be
if we just could go straight
over the trees,
over a building.
That's what a giant would do.
They should let everybody
be a giant for a day.
If you had any idea how
strange you seem to me right now.
Why is everybody
saying that to me?
By the way, you are welcome.
Oh... For what?
For turning you on
to the best thing
you will ever eat:
Barbecue pudding chips.
No, thanks.
They looked at me
funny in the store, too,
but you taste that and tell me
that's not better than a woman.
Do you mind?
Oh, I see.
Now you're such a big star,
that the whole world
has to revolve around you.
Fine.
I'll tell you what.
You just gloat all you like.
This is not over between us.
Why am I putting these
chips in this pudding?
Well, I was going to say.
I should be dumping the pudding
in with the chips.
I've been having these
great ideas all day.
I wrote some of them down.
Here.
What do you think this means?
"Dog army."
Oh, that cold medicine
I took this morning
is making me feel funny.
I think I'm going to
go sit down for a while.
Whatever.
Ah...
Anybody want to go for a walk?
Sweet mother!
Where else can you
see an ocean wave...
a fish fly...
a mountain peak...
and the world's largest needle?
Come to Seattle.
Let's go for a walk.
Eddie?
I know what you're doing.
You're sitting there
thinking you're the king.
Well, you're not.
Niles?!
All right, I'm off to my date.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Niles, that knife is as
sharp as a machete.
You should not not be
chopping with it in your condition.
Do that for him, will you, Dad?
I've come dangerously close
to over-braising my chard.
It's almost as if
something dulled
my motor skills.
You sure you don't want
a little of this on the side?
I can scoop around
the Lucky Charms.
No, thanks.
You know me, Dad.
I'm not much of a rebel.
Too much of a Goody Two-shoes.
Hi, Frasier.
But you've got to
open your mind up.
That's where all the great
inventions come from.
Like, it used to be people
would eat too much,
their pants would get
tight... Big problem.
Then one day,
somebody said, "Wait a minute.
Why not put elastic in them?"
Hi, Fras.
Dad, where are your pants?
In the fridge.
I had a reason.
"Fridge pants."
Dad, when you were
at the cafe today,
you didn't eat a brownie
that Roz brought
for Niles, did you?
Yeah, but I replaced it.
For God's sake!
That was a pot brownie.
You're stoned off your ass!
Well, someone must
feel pretty out of it
being the only one here
who isn't completely burnt.
Oh, knock it off, you imbecile.
You're as sober as I am.
I knew I was feeling woozy.
I thought it was
that cold medicine
I took this morning.
It's all right, Dad.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Dad, are you all right?
Yeah, I'll be fine,
but I better go lie down
before it really hits me.
Come on, boy.
I'll be in there in a
minute to check on you.
Oh, suit yourself, Eddie.
Didn't it occur to you that
he was behaving strangely?
I thought it was me.
I thought it was the
Mary Jane talking.
Oh, Niles, please,
will you drop the drug lingo?
Frasier, I feel terrible.
Yes, well, at least
you had a better
night than I did.
Halfway through our date,
Natalie got a phone call.
An emergency at home.
I decided to take a little walk.
20 minutes later I saw her
in a different bar
with another man.
There was no emergency?
Not unless he had
an infected earlobe
which required an
immediate tongue-flicking.
It's been a hell of a Christmas.
I'm so sorry, Frasier.
Truth be told,
I'm most disappointed
about how things
turned with Frederick.
I've just felt us
drifting apart lately,
and I was hoping that...
we could bond
again on this trip.
You may have given
him a wonderful gift
just by letting him
rebel against you.
Something which I am obviously
completely incapable of achieving.
I'm going home.
You're a good man, Niles.
In a way, isn't that
rebelling against rebellion?
Nice try.
All right, look at it this way.
You did get our cop
father stoned tonight.
I did, didn't I? Yeah.
Hmm.
Oh, madness!
Frederick.
Hey.
What are you doing home?
I thought you were spending
the night at Andi's.
I changed my mind. Good night.
Did something
happen at the concert?
No.
Are you sure?
I can't help noticing
your mascara's run a little.
Andi ran into a "friend"
from her old school.
Ah.
Another boy.
She hardly talked to
me the whole night.
I'm sorry, son.
These things happen.
Well, they always stink.
Did it ever happen to you, Dad?
It may have.
Tell you what.
You know, I've got a box
of that cereal you used to like.
What do you say I pour us a bowl
and I'll tell you
a story or two.
It's happened to
you more than once?
I'll pour you a big bowl.