Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 12 - Frasier-Lite - full transcript
The KACL team has a weight loss competition with a competing radio station. The whole team pigs out just before the first weigh-in just in order to bloat the original numbers. Frasier, however, refuses to participate in such an act of "blatant unsportsmanship". In the episode's sub-plot, a pigeon flies into Frasier's glass window. Niles and Martin take it upon themselves to nurse it back to health. At the initial weigh-in, Frasier recognizes one of his "mortal enemies" from his high school days participating on the opposing team. The two make a bet on the outcome of the winner, with Frasier's dignity pitted up against a new chess set. The KACL team undergoes increasingly extreme measures to lose weight, including a complete fast 24 hours before the final weigh-in. Furthermore, Frasier has converted his bathroom into a steam room, and invites the entire KACL team to use it to shed some more weight before the final weigh-in. In conclusion of the sub-plot, Eddie takes the pigeon out of the box and eats it unbeknown to Frasier. Shortly afterwards, Kenny Daly says he needs to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Suspicious of his intentions, the KACL team suggest Frasier monitor that he doesn't eat anything. He then finds Kenny eating something and feathers all round the pigeon's box. Frasier's shocked cries bring the others. Martin then reveals it was Eddie who ate the pigeon.This news makes everyone lose their appetites for the final few hours of the competition. But at the final weigh-in, the KACL team loses by a mere 2 ounces. Roz then cuts off her hair and KACL wins the competition.
Captioning sponsored by NBC
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Well, Morrie, if you're
not cheating on your wife,
and she still suspects you,
then we're obviously
dealing with a trust issue.
More like a crazy issue.
And I know where she
gets it... From her mother.
Who, by the way,
came for Thanksgiving
and still hasn't left.
Happy New Year.
Perhaps we should tackle
these issues one at a time.
I'm in the bathroom, Celeste.
A little privacy?
You see how she gets?
Well, perhaps what
is needed here is a...
You think I don't know
who you're in there
talking to, Morrie?
It's your little
whore, isn't it?
Hello, whore.
Celeste, if I could
interrupt for just a moment...
A man?! It's worse
than I thought!
Celeste!
Hang up, Ma.
You're all on the radio.
I'm listening in the kitchen.
How about washing a dish or
two while you're down there?
I cannot stand this yelling.
I'm running away from home!
Hang up the phone, Britney.
You're going nowhere.
And neither is
this conversation.
Well, that's our show for today,
with a brief program note.
My KACL colleagues
and I are competing
against a team at KPXY
to see who can shed the
most pounds for charity.
We're off to our first
weigh-in right now.
You can keep
track of our progress
on Channel 6's
Coffee With Kelly.
Wish us luck.
Okay, everybody. Let's
power this crap down.
Why?
The more you eat
before the contest,
the more you artificially
boost your starting weight.
We got cheeseburgers,
doughnuts, french fries, tacos.
And a duck confit that's
as rich as Donald Trump
and twice as greasy.
Well, it hardly seems in
the spirit of the competition.
The entire premise here
is to raise awareness
about the obesity
epidemic in this country.
Come on, Frasier.
The winning team
gets a free trip to Vegas!
Four glorious days in Sin City,
with all its gaudy brilliance...
The feathered headdresses,
the fishnet stockings...
I'm just wearing an
aloha shirt, myself.
Come on, Shempsky,
pick up the pace.
I have a digestive disorder
where if I eat too
much or too little,
I get incapacitating
stomach cramps.
It's okay, Noel.
You do what's right for you.
But wouldn't a trip to
Vegas be really fun?
And remember, what
happens in Vegas...
stays in Vegas.
Eat up, Doc.
I will do no such thing.
It's not fair, and it
is unsportsmanlike.
Aw, who's it going to hurt?
Shake it off, kid.
Nobody likes a whiner.
Hey, Niles, Daph.
No time for chitchat.
Pregnant lady coming through.
What happened to your wrist?
Oh, uh...
she rolled over in her
sleep and pinned me again.
I even saw it coming this time,
like the big rock in that
Indiana Jones movie.
Does she know she did it?
No, no.
I didn't want to
hurt her feelings,
so I just... I just, uh...
made up an excuse...
What is Eddie doing?
Oh, he's waiting for
a pigeon friend of his.
We call him Barney.
Flies on the balcony every
day, and they stare at each other.
Those crazy animals.
Yesterday, they
did it for three hours.
No, I'm not making it up.
I watched them the whole time.
Oh, is your wrist still
bothering you, dear?
Oh, just a little flare-up.
Oh, poor thing
slept on it funny.
Woke up screaming
like a dying rabbit.
Hey, Fras.
How was the weigh-in?
It was appalling, thank you.
My teammates ridiculed me
for not pigging out beforehand.
You know, what is it about teams
and competitions that just
brings out the worst in people?
Here we go again.
What?
Well, Frasier and team
sports are not a happy mix.
Freshman year, in
a bid to please Dad...
There is no need
to tell that story.
Frasier inadvertently joined
the girls' field hockey team.
The sign-up sheet
said, "F. Hockey."
I assumed it meant
"freshman" hockey.
The little plaid skirt
didn't tip you off?
I thought it was a kilt!
Well, I'm starving.
Where shall we go for dinner?
What was that?
Barney!
Daph, would you take
Eddie to my room?
I don't want him to see this.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Oh, how did this happen?
Oh, now, Dad, birds
do fly into windows.
I know. That's why I keep
a safety smudge right there.
Where did it go?
Niles...
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
It... it's a reflex.
I... I... I don't even
know I'm doing it.
Are you happy?
You killed
Eddie's little friend.
Poor little guy.
What should we do, just
kick him over the edge?
Dad, wait. He's still breathing.
Oh! Then pick him up.
But birds are notorious
carriers of disease.
Oh, here. Use my hankie.
I'll take my chances.
Oh, don't you
quit on us, Barney.
You're going to be good as new.
See? That's why we
need a safety smudge.
We'll be right back
to see how our teams
are doing in the first week
of our Fat to Fit
Weight Loss Challenge,
so stay right here.
Hey, look. It's them.
Oh, those robes!
Makes them look like
they're in some kind of cult.
Like the high priests of
Asmodeus the Destroyer.
Asmodeus... demon
of lust, eater of worlds.
Does nobody read my e-mails?
Welcome back.
So let's see how our
teams fared this week.
Come on in, guys!
Come on in! Okay.
Kenny, who's that
last guy on their team?
Oh, Wayne Shafter.
He's the new general manager.
So... we meet again...
Wayne Shafter.
You know him?
We went to high school together.
He was the captain
of the football team...
Mr. Popularity...
And my chief rival
for the affections of our
Swedish exchange student,
Giselle Johannson-Jansen.
Yeah? So, how did that work out?
Great. We got married
and had six kids.
What do you think?
Wayne Shafter?
Yeah?
Frasier Crane.
Hey, F. Hockey!
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, not much.
Harvard, Oxford, M.D., PhD.
And then, just recently...
Hey, remember that time
I took your chess set
and made you cry?
You did not make me cry.
I chose to cry as a
tactic to elicit sympathy
and thereby regain my chess set.
I threw it in the Dumpster
behind the cafeteria, didn't I?
I don't know. It
was never found.
No, I did.
And last up for KACL,
my old friend,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hi, Kelly.
Hey, Fras. Good to see you.
Ooh! Ouch!
One pound heavier, Fras.
Well, that can't be.
I've added a salad
to every meal.
So, at the end of one week,
it's KPXY down 17
pounds, KACL down nine.
That's all the time we have.
Join me tomorrow, when my guests
will be the Senior
Citizen Handbell Chorus.
Have a neat day!
Listen, muscle weighs
more than fat, you know,
and the way I've been
working out lately...
Save it, lard-ass.
Hey, you know,
Crane? When they say,
"Take one for the team,"
they don't mean another cruller.
Oh, shut up, Shafter.
You're a cruller.
Oh, give it up. I'll drop
you a postcard from Vegas.
We are going to win
this competition, mister.
And when we do, you
will replace that chess set.
Okay, deal. But if we win,
you're showing up at our station
in your little field
hockey uniform.
You're on, you fat scoundrel.
All right. Shake on it.
Psych!
I'm sorry. Sorry.
That wasn't cool. Here we go.
Psych!
Hey, hey, hey. Wait a
minute. It's not a deal
unless we shake on it. Come on.
Come on.
I'm wouldn't do
it for a third time.
All right.
Psych!
God, I missed you.
Hello, Martin.
Hey, Dad.
How's Barney doing?
Oh, he's doing
a lot better today.
Great. I brought him a treat.
Millet and sunflower kernels,
with added calcium
for beak conditioning.
What happened to your neck?
Oh, fell out of bed.
He's been so
accident-prone lately.
Every morning,
it's something else.
Shamu jump the tank again?
Fortunately, I moisturized
right before bed,
so I squirted out like
a watermelon seed.
You all right, son?
Walked upstairs.
Why did you walk upstairs?
Burning calories.
Oh, yes, I saw you on TV.
You know, that Kelly
Kirkland is quite an actress.
I once saw her in a
production of Love Letters
with Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Tears.
I've decided to rededicate
myself to this diet.
The opposing team is captained
by my old high school
nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
Which one was he?
Thick neck, dead eyes,
snapped your PBS umbrella.
For the next two weeks, I
shall be a speed-walking,
calorie-burning,
pound-shedding machine.
Daphne, didn't you purchase
some sort of stomach-tightening
apparatus for Dad?
The Ab Blaster
or the Flab Buster?
Bring me both of them.
I'll put them together,
see if I can get a real
good workout going.
So... is that bird nesting
in my cashmere scarf?
Yeah. We tried a
whole bunch of them.
That's the one he likes best.
All right, that's it.
I want that sky rat out of here.
Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed.
The bird is like his pet.
Eddie is a pet! He
doesn't get to have a pet.
I guess Barney is
pretty well recovered.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, time to go, Barney.
Oh, Eddie, don't worry.
He'll come back and visit you.
It's kind of hard
letting him go.
Now I know how
you must have felt
all those times when you dropped
me off at musical theater camp.
Sad and frightened...
Lots of emotions, son.
Barney, remember us fondly
as you spread your wings
and soar free.
Oh, my God! Barney!
Where did he go?
Is he soaring free?
He bounced off the railing
and landed on the
Cunninghams' balcony.
Dad, look... his
wing just moved.
He's alive!
I'll go get him.
Hurry! Hurry!
Don't you die!
I love you, you tough old bird.
Not you, Mrs. Cunningham.
Hey, what did I tell you
about smoking in the booth?
Oh, bite me.
I need something
to kill my appetite
besides your stupid ugly face.
Gotcha, Bulldog.
Oww!
What did I tell you about that?
Thieves! Brigands!
I had three-and-a-half
ounces of sashimi-grade ahi
in the fridge, and one
of you has stolen it.
Not me.
Well, it wasn't me.
And it wasn't Noel.
He thinks I'm going
to do him in Vegas,
so he's barely
eaten in two weeks.
That's why he keeps fainting.
All right, I took
it and I liked it.
What are you going
to do about it? Oww!
It wasn't even your fish.
Oww!
How long was I out that time?
Ten minutes, big boy.
I've got a bump
the size of an egg.
Don't say "egg."
Don't tell me what to say.
I'm still waiting for my ahi.
Put a sock in it, princess.
How dare you! How dare you!
People!
People, stop it!
Listen, I understand that
we're all a bit cranky...
Cranky?
We're starving.
I'm not sure I can
hold on much longer.
We've only got
one day more to go.
We can't crack now when
we're this close to victory!
All right, everyone...
Take a deep breath.
Yes, Roz.
Cough it all up.
Don't want any
extra phlegm weight.
- ♪
- Happy birthday to you... ♪
Whose birthday is it?
Gina in accounting.
Who's Gina again?
New chick.
So-so face, little
big in the can.
Oh, yeah.
Perhaps I'll go
wish dear Gina well.
Hey, good idea.
Now that's the team spirit!
We may be dieting
but we can still
nourish ourselves
on some good office fellowship.
Please give Gina
my regards as well.
Okay, Doc, see you.
That's a rog!
Ah, it's a good team.
Good people.
Good God!
Wait!
It's not worth it!
It's sheet cake!
Will you stop that
infernal bouncing?
No sir, no sir.
Gotta keep moving.
Constant movement
equals constant calorie burn.
You sure you guys don't want
some appetite suppressants?
What the hell are
those things, anyway?
They're fine. They're
natural. They have ginseng.
Oh.
Oh, come on in, Dad.
What's going on?
We had a bit of a
discipline breakdown.
We've all agreed to spend
the last 12 hours
before the final weigh-in
policing each other.
It's a good thing
you had dinner out.
I've purged the apartment
of all of foodstuffs.
Who's that gentleman
on the floor?
Noel.
He passes out from time to time,
but not to worry.
I'm sure the next
searing stomach cramp
will bring him around.
There you are.
You can set your watch by him.
All right, everybody,
I believe my bathroom
has probably finished
its transformation into
a steam room by now.
If you'll all join me.
We can relax and sweat off
a few extra ounces.
Okay, you heard the doc.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Hey, Barney.
How's my favorite patient?
Hey, making progress.
He doesn't even flinch anymore
at the sound of your voice.
He's letting me stroke his wing.
You know what?
I'm going to put this birdseed
in a bowl.
Oh... You know,
there's a sad little fellow
who's been dying to
say hello to you all day.
That's better.
Eddie, come on, say hello.
Oh, my God. Eddie!
Eddie!
Hey, Dad.
Oh, no.
I've been thinking.
You know... Shh.
Keep it quiet.
That wing rub you gave
him put him right to sleep.
Well, that's kinda sweet.
Well, uh, I-I'll just go home.
You know, Dad...
I think he may like me even
more than he likes Eddie.
No contest.
How much longer, Doc?
Another half an hour.
I can't keep my cigarette lit.
Roz...
take my hand.
Fine, Noel.
I'll take your stupid hand.
Where are you?
Roz!
Oh, my God! Put
on a towel, you perv!
If I'd known this sort of thing
went on in steam rooms,
I would never have
let you lure me in.
All right, just relax, team.
Feel the steam...
literally melting
the pounds away.
Oh, I'm about to faint.
I'm going to grab some water.
You sure you want to
leave him alone out there?
He could be on his
way to Pizza Hut.
Good point.
I'll just go check on him.
It's weird.
My skin tastes kinda salty.
Oh, I'd say mostly
sweet, but a little salty.
That wasn't me, Bulldog.
That was me you licked,
and if it happens again,
I shall consider it strike one.
Mmm.
Kenny, what did you just eat?
Nothing.
You have a toothpick.
Oh, all right. I couldn't
take it anymore.
I only had a mouthful.
Dear God!
What happened?
This ravenous madman's
just eaten a live pigeon.
No, I didn't! I only
had some seeds.
If Kenny gets seeds,
we all get seeds.
Where are they?
No, get away! I saw them first!
Give me those!
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop this madness!
Look at yourselves!
Dear God.
We are hours away from
victory, and look at you.
Pecking around the floor
like a clutch of crazed capons!
Try to conjure up some image
to give us strength.
Imagine yourselves winning.
Imagine yourselves in Vegas.
I'm still hungry.
Stay out of the hallway.
Eddie just threw
up a dead pigeon
and now he's eating it again.
Okay, that's it.
That'll do for me.
Next up, the final weigh-in
in our Fat to Fit
Weight Loss Challenge.
So stay right here.
Okay, everybody,
take off your watches.
Jewelry, hairpins, shoes.
Anything that will add
just an ounce of weight.
Hey, Crane... looking
forward to seeing you
in your field hockey skirt.
Oh, yeah?
I'm going be so busy
playing with that new chess
set you're gonna buy me
that I won't even have
time to put on my skirt.
Not that I still have it!
And here they are.
Come on in, folks.
KPXY, you're up first.
Okay, guys.
Huddle up. Here's the plan.
I'll stand in the middle.
You surround me and lift me up
so I'm not even
touching the scale.
What?
Wow. You have lost an impressive
44 pounds, two ounces.
Great job, guys!
I see giant steaks with legs.
You're hallucinating.
Just pull it together.
No, he's right.
It's the Beef Council Dancers.
They're on after us.
Okay, Team KACL.
Up you go.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness.
44 pounds even.
You lose by two ounces.
No! I'm not getting
emphysema for this.
Cut me.
I can't.
Cut me, damn it!
Oh, my God!
44 pounds, three ounces.
They're on their
way to Las Vegas!
Congratulations, guys.
Wow!
Don't go away.
When we come back, we
have a little dance number
that's both "rare"
and "well done."
Okay, Crane, you won.
Yes, I did, Shafter.
So where do I pick
up this chess set?
The Rook Nook.
Ask for Cyril.
Tell him you were sent
by Dr. Frasier Crane...
Psych! ...iatrist.
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Well, Morrie, if you're
not cheating on your wife,
and she still suspects you,
then we're obviously
dealing with a trust issue.
More like a crazy issue.
And I know where she
gets it... From her mother.
Who, by the way,
came for Thanksgiving
and still hasn't left.
Happy New Year.
Perhaps we should tackle
these issues one at a time.
I'm in the bathroom, Celeste.
A little privacy?
You see how she gets?
Well, perhaps what
is needed here is a...
You think I don't know
who you're in there
talking to, Morrie?
It's your little
whore, isn't it?
Hello, whore.
Celeste, if I could
interrupt for just a moment...
A man?! It's worse
than I thought!
Celeste!
Hang up, Ma.
You're all on the radio.
I'm listening in the kitchen.
How about washing a dish or
two while you're down there?
I cannot stand this yelling.
I'm running away from home!
Hang up the phone, Britney.
You're going nowhere.
And neither is
this conversation.
Well, that's our show for today,
with a brief program note.
My KACL colleagues
and I are competing
against a team at KPXY
to see who can shed the
most pounds for charity.
We're off to our first
weigh-in right now.
You can keep
track of our progress
on Channel 6's
Coffee With Kelly.
Wish us luck.
Okay, everybody. Let's
power this crap down.
Why?
The more you eat
before the contest,
the more you artificially
boost your starting weight.
We got cheeseburgers,
doughnuts, french fries, tacos.
And a duck confit that's
as rich as Donald Trump
and twice as greasy.
Well, it hardly seems in
the spirit of the competition.
The entire premise here
is to raise awareness
about the obesity
epidemic in this country.
Come on, Frasier.
The winning team
gets a free trip to Vegas!
Four glorious days in Sin City,
with all its gaudy brilliance...
The feathered headdresses,
the fishnet stockings...
I'm just wearing an
aloha shirt, myself.
Come on, Shempsky,
pick up the pace.
I have a digestive disorder
where if I eat too
much or too little,
I get incapacitating
stomach cramps.
It's okay, Noel.
You do what's right for you.
But wouldn't a trip to
Vegas be really fun?
And remember, what
happens in Vegas...
stays in Vegas.
Eat up, Doc.
I will do no such thing.
It's not fair, and it
is unsportsmanlike.
Aw, who's it going to hurt?
Shake it off, kid.
Nobody likes a whiner.
Hey, Niles, Daph.
No time for chitchat.
Pregnant lady coming through.
What happened to your wrist?
Oh, uh...
she rolled over in her
sleep and pinned me again.
I even saw it coming this time,
like the big rock in that
Indiana Jones movie.
Does she know she did it?
No, no.
I didn't want to
hurt her feelings,
so I just... I just, uh...
made up an excuse...
What is Eddie doing?
Oh, he's waiting for
a pigeon friend of his.
We call him Barney.
Flies on the balcony every
day, and they stare at each other.
Those crazy animals.
Yesterday, they
did it for three hours.
No, I'm not making it up.
I watched them the whole time.
Oh, is your wrist still
bothering you, dear?
Oh, just a little flare-up.
Oh, poor thing
slept on it funny.
Woke up screaming
like a dying rabbit.
Hey, Fras.
How was the weigh-in?
It was appalling, thank you.
My teammates ridiculed me
for not pigging out beforehand.
You know, what is it about teams
and competitions that just
brings out the worst in people?
Here we go again.
What?
Well, Frasier and team
sports are not a happy mix.
Freshman year, in
a bid to please Dad...
There is no need
to tell that story.
Frasier inadvertently joined
the girls' field hockey team.
The sign-up sheet
said, "F. Hockey."
I assumed it meant
"freshman" hockey.
The little plaid skirt
didn't tip you off?
I thought it was a kilt!
Well, I'm starving.
Where shall we go for dinner?
What was that?
Barney!
Daph, would you take
Eddie to my room?
I don't want him to see this.
Come on, boy. Come on.
Oh, how did this happen?
Oh, now, Dad, birds
do fly into windows.
I know. That's why I keep
a safety smudge right there.
Where did it go?
Niles...
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
It... it's a reflex.
I... I... I don't even
know I'm doing it.
Are you happy?
You killed
Eddie's little friend.
Poor little guy.
What should we do, just
kick him over the edge?
Dad, wait. He's still breathing.
Oh! Then pick him up.
But birds are notorious
carriers of disease.
Oh, here. Use my hankie.
I'll take my chances.
Oh, don't you
quit on us, Barney.
You're going to be good as new.
See? That's why we
need a safety smudge.
We'll be right back
to see how our teams
are doing in the first week
of our Fat to Fit
Weight Loss Challenge,
so stay right here.
Hey, look. It's them.
Oh, those robes!
Makes them look like
they're in some kind of cult.
Like the high priests of
Asmodeus the Destroyer.
Asmodeus... demon
of lust, eater of worlds.
Does nobody read my e-mails?
Welcome back.
So let's see how our
teams fared this week.
Come on in, guys!
Come on in! Okay.
Kenny, who's that
last guy on their team?
Oh, Wayne Shafter.
He's the new general manager.
So... we meet again...
Wayne Shafter.
You know him?
We went to high school together.
He was the captain
of the football team...
Mr. Popularity...
And my chief rival
for the affections of our
Swedish exchange student,
Giselle Johannson-Jansen.
Yeah? So, how did that work out?
Great. We got married
and had six kids.
What do you think?
Wayne Shafter?
Yeah?
Frasier Crane.
Hey, F. Hockey!
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, not much.
Harvard, Oxford, M.D., PhD.
And then, just recently...
Hey, remember that time
I took your chess set
and made you cry?
You did not make me cry.
I chose to cry as a
tactic to elicit sympathy
and thereby regain my chess set.
I threw it in the Dumpster
behind the cafeteria, didn't I?
I don't know. It
was never found.
No, I did.
And last up for KACL,
my old friend,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hi, Kelly.
Hey, Fras. Good to see you.
Ooh! Ouch!
One pound heavier, Fras.
Well, that can't be.
I've added a salad
to every meal.
So, at the end of one week,
it's KPXY down 17
pounds, KACL down nine.
That's all the time we have.
Join me tomorrow, when my guests
will be the Senior
Citizen Handbell Chorus.
Have a neat day!
Listen, muscle weighs
more than fat, you know,
and the way I've been
working out lately...
Save it, lard-ass.
Hey, you know,
Crane? When they say,
"Take one for the team,"
they don't mean another cruller.
Oh, shut up, Shafter.
You're a cruller.
Oh, give it up. I'll drop
you a postcard from Vegas.
We are going to win
this competition, mister.
And when we do, you
will replace that chess set.
Okay, deal. But if we win,
you're showing up at our station
in your little field
hockey uniform.
You're on, you fat scoundrel.
All right. Shake on it.
Psych!
I'm sorry. Sorry.
That wasn't cool. Here we go.
Psych!
Hey, hey, hey. Wait a
minute. It's not a deal
unless we shake on it. Come on.
Come on.
I'm wouldn't do
it for a third time.
All right.
Psych!
God, I missed you.
Hello, Martin.
Hey, Dad.
How's Barney doing?
Oh, he's doing
a lot better today.
Great. I brought him a treat.
Millet and sunflower kernels,
with added calcium
for beak conditioning.
What happened to your neck?
Oh, fell out of bed.
He's been so
accident-prone lately.
Every morning,
it's something else.
Shamu jump the tank again?
Fortunately, I moisturized
right before bed,
so I squirted out like
a watermelon seed.
You all right, son?
Walked upstairs.
Why did you walk upstairs?
Burning calories.
Oh, yes, I saw you on TV.
You know, that Kelly
Kirkland is quite an actress.
I once saw her in a
production of Love Letters
with Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Tears.
I've decided to rededicate
myself to this diet.
The opposing team is captained
by my old high school
nemesis, Wayne Shafter.
Which one was he?
Thick neck, dead eyes,
snapped your PBS umbrella.
For the next two weeks, I
shall be a speed-walking,
calorie-burning,
pound-shedding machine.
Daphne, didn't you purchase
some sort of stomach-tightening
apparatus for Dad?
The Ab Blaster
or the Flab Buster?
Bring me both of them.
I'll put them together,
see if I can get a real
good workout going.
So... is that bird nesting
in my cashmere scarf?
Yeah. We tried a
whole bunch of them.
That's the one he likes best.
All right, that's it.
I want that sky rat out of here.
Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed.
The bird is like his pet.
Eddie is a pet! He
doesn't get to have a pet.
I guess Barney is
pretty well recovered.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, time to go, Barney.
Oh, Eddie, don't worry.
He'll come back and visit you.
It's kind of hard
letting him go.
Now I know how
you must have felt
all those times when you dropped
me off at musical theater camp.
Sad and frightened...
Lots of emotions, son.
Barney, remember us fondly
as you spread your wings
and soar free.
Oh, my God! Barney!
Where did he go?
Is he soaring free?
He bounced off the railing
and landed on the
Cunninghams' balcony.
Dad, look... his
wing just moved.
He's alive!
I'll go get him.
Hurry! Hurry!
Don't you die!
I love you, you tough old bird.
Not you, Mrs. Cunningham.
Hey, what did I tell you
about smoking in the booth?
Oh, bite me.
I need something
to kill my appetite
besides your stupid ugly face.
Gotcha, Bulldog.
Oww!
What did I tell you about that?
Thieves! Brigands!
I had three-and-a-half
ounces of sashimi-grade ahi
in the fridge, and one
of you has stolen it.
Not me.
Well, it wasn't me.
And it wasn't Noel.
He thinks I'm going
to do him in Vegas,
so he's barely
eaten in two weeks.
That's why he keeps fainting.
All right, I took
it and I liked it.
What are you going
to do about it? Oww!
It wasn't even your fish.
Oww!
How long was I out that time?
Ten minutes, big boy.
I've got a bump
the size of an egg.
Don't say "egg."
Don't tell me what to say.
I'm still waiting for my ahi.
Put a sock in it, princess.
How dare you! How dare you!
People!
People, stop it!
Listen, I understand that
we're all a bit cranky...
Cranky?
We're starving.
I'm not sure I can
hold on much longer.
We've only got
one day more to go.
We can't crack now when
we're this close to victory!
All right, everyone...
Take a deep breath.
Yes, Roz.
Cough it all up.
Don't want any
extra phlegm weight.
- ♪
- Happy birthday to you... ♪
Whose birthday is it?
Gina in accounting.
Who's Gina again?
New chick.
So-so face, little
big in the can.
Oh, yeah.
Perhaps I'll go
wish dear Gina well.
Hey, good idea.
Now that's the team spirit!
We may be dieting
but we can still
nourish ourselves
on some good office fellowship.
Please give Gina
my regards as well.
Okay, Doc, see you.
That's a rog!
Ah, it's a good team.
Good people.
Good God!
Wait!
It's not worth it!
It's sheet cake!
Will you stop that
infernal bouncing?
No sir, no sir.
Gotta keep moving.
Constant movement
equals constant calorie burn.
You sure you guys don't want
some appetite suppressants?
What the hell are
those things, anyway?
They're fine. They're
natural. They have ginseng.
Oh.
Oh, come on in, Dad.
What's going on?
We had a bit of a
discipline breakdown.
We've all agreed to spend
the last 12 hours
before the final weigh-in
policing each other.
It's a good thing
you had dinner out.
I've purged the apartment
of all of foodstuffs.
Who's that gentleman
on the floor?
Noel.
He passes out from time to time,
but not to worry.
I'm sure the next
searing stomach cramp
will bring him around.
There you are.
You can set your watch by him.
All right, everybody,
I believe my bathroom
has probably finished
its transformation into
a steam room by now.
If you'll all join me.
We can relax and sweat off
a few extra ounces.
Okay, you heard the doc.
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Hey, Barney.
How's my favorite patient?
Hey, making progress.
He doesn't even flinch anymore
at the sound of your voice.
He's letting me stroke his wing.
You know what?
I'm going to put this birdseed
in a bowl.
Oh... You know,
there's a sad little fellow
who's been dying to
say hello to you all day.
That's better.
Eddie, come on, say hello.
Oh, my God. Eddie!
Eddie!
Hey, Dad.
Oh, no.
I've been thinking.
You know... Shh.
Keep it quiet.
That wing rub you gave
him put him right to sleep.
Well, that's kinda sweet.
Well, uh, I-I'll just go home.
You know, Dad...
I think he may like me even
more than he likes Eddie.
No contest.
How much longer, Doc?
Another half an hour.
I can't keep my cigarette lit.
Roz...
take my hand.
Fine, Noel.
I'll take your stupid hand.
Where are you?
Roz!
Oh, my God! Put
on a towel, you perv!
If I'd known this sort of thing
went on in steam rooms,
I would never have
let you lure me in.
All right, just relax, team.
Feel the steam...
literally melting
the pounds away.
Oh, I'm about to faint.
I'm going to grab some water.
You sure you want to
leave him alone out there?
He could be on his
way to Pizza Hut.
Good point.
I'll just go check on him.
It's weird.
My skin tastes kinda salty.
Oh, I'd say mostly
sweet, but a little salty.
That wasn't me, Bulldog.
That was me you licked,
and if it happens again,
I shall consider it strike one.
Mmm.
Kenny, what did you just eat?
Nothing.
You have a toothpick.
Oh, all right. I couldn't
take it anymore.
I only had a mouthful.
Dear God!
What happened?
This ravenous madman's
just eaten a live pigeon.
No, I didn't! I only
had some seeds.
If Kenny gets seeds,
we all get seeds.
Where are they?
No, get away! I saw them first!
Give me those!
Stop it.
Stop it!
Stop this madness!
Look at yourselves!
Dear God.
We are hours away from
victory, and look at you.
Pecking around the floor
like a clutch of crazed capons!
Try to conjure up some image
to give us strength.
Imagine yourselves winning.
Imagine yourselves in Vegas.
I'm still hungry.
Stay out of the hallway.
Eddie just threw
up a dead pigeon
and now he's eating it again.
Okay, that's it.
That'll do for me.
Next up, the final weigh-in
in our Fat to Fit
Weight Loss Challenge.
So stay right here.
Okay, everybody,
take off your watches.
Jewelry, hairpins, shoes.
Anything that will add
just an ounce of weight.
Hey, Crane... looking
forward to seeing you
in your field hockey skirt.
Oh, yeah?
I'm going be so busy
playing with that new chess
set you're gonna buy me
that I won't even have
time to put on my skirt.
Not that I still have it!
And here they are.
Come on in, folks.
KPXY, you're up first.
Okay, guys.
Huddle up. Here's the plan.
I'll stand in the middle.
You surround me and lift me up
so I'm not even
touching the scale.
What?
Wow. You have lost an impressive
44 pounds, two ounces.
Great job, guys!
I see giant steaks with legs.
You're hallucinating.
Just pull it together.
No, he's right.
It's the Beef Council Dancers.
They're on after us.
Okay, Team KACL.
Up you go.
Here we go.
Oh, my goodness.
44 pounds even.
You lose by two ounces.
No! I'm not getting
emphysema for this.
Cut me.
I can't.
Cut me, damn it!
Oh, my God!
44 pounds, three ounces.
They're on their
way to Las Vegas!
Congratulations, guys.
Wow!
Don't go away.
When we come back, we
have a little dance number
that's both "rare"
and "well done."
Okay, Crane, you won.
Yes, I did, Shafter.
So where do I pick
up this chess set?
The Rook Nook.
Ask for Cyril.
Tell him you were sent
by Dr. Frasier Crane...
Psych! ...iatrist.