Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 13 - The Ann Who Came to Dinner - full transcript
Martin discovers an envelope in the pocket of one of his jackets, which contains a check for Frasier's home insurance renewal and should have been posted months previously. Realising this, Frasier makes a hasty call to the company, and is horrified at the amount he would have to pay now to renew. Roz advises him to consult Ann Hodges, whom Frasier remembers from their disastrous date (The Placeholder). He reluctantly agrees, and invites her round to survey his home, where she slips on a mayonnaise spillage in the kitchen and breaks her leg. Anxious to avoid a lawsuit when he has no insurance, Frasier decides to invite Ann to stay at his place for a few days while she recovers - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Maris has been released on bail, and is being kept under house arrest with an electronic tracking device on her wrist. Niles learns that she plans on auctioning some possessions to help pay legal costs. She offers him the chance to look over them first, so he seizes the opportunity to reclaim a "quasi-erotic" portrait of himself as Pan. Little does he realize that he is about to act as a decoy in her escape plan.
Captioning sponsored by NBC
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
You know, I heard the
most extraordinary thing
on the radio today.
I know!
Rubinstein's torrid survey
of the Chopin mazurkas.
It took all my strength
not to turn the car around,
drive home and ravish my wife.
That Daphne is one lucky lady.
No, I was referring to the fact
that Maris has been
released on bail.
Oh, yes.
Of course, she's still under
house arrest until her murder trial.
Poor thing, has to wear
an electronic tracking device
on her ankle.
And she can't keep
the press off her back.
They're printing the most
vicious stories about her.
I saw one of those.
Is it true that she fired
one of the gardeners
because she found a
worm on the front walk?
Well, to be fair,
Maris has always been frightened
and disgusted by them.
It's just a stupid worm.
No, I'm talking about gardeners.
Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Dad.
Pull up a chair.
Oh, thanks. Looking sharp.
I don't think I've
ever seen this jacket.
That's because I
don't wear it too often.
But you know,
sometimes when I do,
I find all kinds of
junk in the pockets.
It's like I'm putting on a
time capsule or something.
Here...
here's something from
the world of yesterday.
Dear God, Dad. That's my
home insurance payment.
I asked you to mail
this three months ago.
Oh, geez, I'm sorry, Fras.
But you see what I
mean about the jacket?
I can still see him
giving me that envelope.
No wonder my
agent's been calling me.
My policy's probably
been canceled.
Yes, Jim Sundquist, please.
Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane.
Yes, I know. I just
discovered that myself.
Listen, how much to renew?
What?
Well, I'm going to
have to think that over.
All right. I'll call you.
Thanks, Jim.
Scandinavian shyster!
Cold-hearted, glad-handed
highway robber.
Phony big-toothed smiling
son-of-a-bitch insurance man.
Not you, Jim. Love to Marie.
Damn, I'm going to have
to pay twice as much.
Why don't you just
find another insurer?
Oh, you know who
you should talk to.
Ann Hodges.
Oh, Roz, have
you lost your mind?
I never want to see
that woman again.
Who is she?
Oh, it's a friend of Roz's.
We had a stunningly bad date
during which my behavior
was... less than chivalrous.
You ate her ravioli
then hit on another woman
in the same restaurant.
Which I concede was
less than chivalrous.
Well, the least you could do
is throw her some business.
She just did mine.
She did a great job.
And she can rush
this through for you.
Here you go. Here's her card.
You should be covered, Frasier.
God forbid something happens...
A pipe bursts or
Dad screws up again.
Remember the great
bacon fire of '98?
I suppose spending ten minutes
with the woman won't kill me.
Oh, for God's sake,
Jim, hang up already.
Well, this is me.
Thanks again for holding
the elevator, Caroline.
Well, you did throw
your briefcase into it.
Yes, yes, well...
You'd be surprised how
many people just kick it back out
and then push
the "close" button.
You know,
maybe I could repay you
by taking you to
dinner some evening.
Yeah, I'd like that. How
about next Monday?
Perfect.
Why not stop by my
place first for a drink?
Uh, around 6:00?
Sounds good. Great.
Thanks again.
And sorry about the briefcase.
You might want to put
some ice on that ankle.
Hi, Fras. Hi, Dad.
What have you got there?
Oh, I made a sandwich
from some of your
cold chicken in there.
Also known as quail.
Get a plate before you start
dripping mayonnaise all over.
Oh, relax. I'm almost done.
Oh, and by the way,
until this home is
insured once again,
there will be no more
barbecuing or deep-frying.
Does that include the
hot plate in my bedroom?
Since when do you
have a hot plate?
Since I finally figured
out how to plug it in.
In just one outlet,
I have my TV, aquarium,
clock radio, and
that old space heater.
Yes, well, unplug everything.
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Ann. Uh, please,
won't you come in.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Oh, I've heard all about you.
Frasier and I used to go out.
Oh.
I'll be in my room.
So, this is kind of weird, huh?
Yes. I hope that your being here
means that you've forgiven me?
Well, I was pretty
steamed after that date,
but my shrink helped
me work through the rage.
Good thing you didn't walk
in front of my car on the street.
For the first few weeks there,
I would have just gotten out
and given you a good kick.
Well... and I would
have deserved one, too.
Here, let me take your coat.
You're going to want to
take a look around the place
before you write up the policy.
Oh, very nice!
Thank you... thank
you very much.
Hey, this guy looks like my ex.
I'm just kidding.
He wasn't black.
Can I get you
something to drink?
Just water, but I'll get it. I
want to see your kitchen.
Wow, schmancy.
And so clean.
You know, there's a
homosexual couple
that lives in my building
and their kitchen
is like a pigsty
compared to yours.
Whoops, spoke too soon.
Somebody dripped
a little bit of mayon...
Ann?
Boy, who'd have thunk
a little mayo on the floor
could end up breaking your leg?
So, how's that cast feeling?
Okay.
I'm worried about
my apartment, though.
It's a fourth-floor walk-up.
Oh, dear... well,
is there a friend
or a family member we could call
to come and get you?
No. Just my mom and
she lives in Portland.
Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh"?
What's that supposed to mean?
If you screwed anything up, I
will sue you blue, buddy boy.
No, no, it's nothing.
The bulb burned out.
Oh.
Let's find you a
pair of crutches.
Watch it on the
turns there, Doc.
Precious cargo.
I hope you enjoyed
your sandwich.
It may end up costing
me my apartment.
You think she'll sue you?
Dad, she's as insurance woman!
If anybody knows anything
about milking money
out of an injury, it's her.
Won't your insurance cover it?
I have no insurance!
All right.
But you know what?
Why don't you just try
to get on her good side.
Pay all her expenses,
maybe throw in a private
nurse for a few days...
That's good. But she's
too dangerous to be left
to her own thoughts right now.
We've got to try the
personal approach.
I'll tell you what...
Why don't we invite
her to spend a few days
recuperating in our apartment?
Oh...!
Friends do not sue friends.
Ooh, my pits are
barking already.
Ann, listen, Dad and
I were just talking.
We thought maybe you
should just stay at our place
until you get used
to your crutches.
Really?
Sure. That's what friends do.
Thanks.
Well, I'll call my super
and have him send over
some clothes and my trumpet,
and we're good to go.
You play the trumpet?
Oh, I just started.
It's really hard.
Hey!
Oh, sorry!
Damn it, Frasier, I just walked
in on your insurance lady
taking a sponge bath.
Dear God, which sponge?
A small one.
This has been the
longest two days of my life.
Well, what do you think,
it's been a vacation for me?
I have cooked her meals,
I have massaged her feet.
I've also applauded wildly
to her trumpet rendition of
"Froggy Went A-Courtin'."
But I have won her over.
There will be no discussion
of a lawsuit tomorrow
when I send her a-packin'.
Oh, Niles.
Hey, Frasier. Hey, Dad.
Brace yourself:
I finally got
around to returning
your escargot clamps.
Oh... oh, thank you, Niles.
Oh, that's what those are.
I've been using
them to pull ticks
out of Eddie's coat.
Sherry? Oh, please.
Yes, thank you.
I have Maris news.
She's auctioning off
some of her things
to help pay for her defense.
She's letting me come by
first to claim anything I want.
Well, this is my chance to seize
and destroy my boudoir painting.
What's that?
Oh, well, years ago, Maris
and I got the idea in our heads
to commission portraits of a...
well, a quasi-erotic nature.
Dear God.
Continue.
Well, Maris is depicted as
a doe-eyed wood nymph,
while in my painting,
I am the satyr, Pan...
a louche, sybaritic goat-man
with a depraved appetite
for all things sensual.
Oh, I forgot to lock that door.
Your dad sure got an eyeful.
Yes, uh, bumbling old man.
I'm terribly sorry.
Well, no birthday gift for
him this year... he's had it.
Hi, Niles.
Hello, Ann. It's
so nice to see you.
I'm sorry I can't stay.
You're leaving?
You're always leaving.
Oh, just lately.
Bye. FRASIER: Bye-bye, Niles.
Uh, well, wait till you see
what I've made you
for dinner this evening.
Your favorite...
Mac and cheese
with sliced hot dogs.
Oh...
You keep pampering me this way,
it'll be hard to go
home next month.
Next month?
Well, let's cross our fingers.
My bones tend to knit slowly.
Uh, aren't you afraid
to leave your apartment
untended for a whole month?
Not a problem.
I just sublet it this
morning to a girl from work.
If she chips so much as
one of my porcelain piggies,
I'll sue her six ways to Sunday.
If you want to beat her to
death with one of her crutches,
I can show you how to
make it look like an accident.
Here is everything.
I tell Missy Crane you are here.
Thank you, Marta.
Wow. Maybe I can find
something nice for Ronee here.
This whole Ann thing has
got me practically
living over there.
Look at this fancy
back-scratcher.
That's not exactly what it is.
Every winter, Maris
would fly down
to the private island her
family owns in the South Pacific.
On Christmas, she'd let
the native children come by
and fish coins
from her fountain.
Oh. Some kind of
coin-scooper, huh?
No. It's a stick with
a claw on the end of it
in case any of the
children got too close to her.
Ah! I found me.
Daphne, avert your eyes.
Let's just get this
thing wrapped up
and into my trunk.
Oh, geez! How could you
stand to look at yourself like that?
I never had to.
It was in Maris's bedroom.
Uh... Marta?
Tell Maris we'll be
back to say good-bye.
Yes, Dr. Crane.
Thank you.
You were right, Missy Crane.
They take the
painting right away.
Now drink your protein shake.
You have a long
trip ahead of you.
Oh! Very good, Missy Crane.
You drink a lot.
What? Too much? Okay.
Oh, here they come.
I can't tell you...
Can we leave now?
This place gives me the chills.
It was designed to.
Just let me say good-bye
to Maris, and we'll be out...
Doctor! Doctor!
What is it, Marta?
I no find Missy Crane.
I go up to her room, and
all there is is this note.
Dear God.
She says she doesn't
believe she can get a fair trial,
and she can't
face life in prison,
so she's going to hurl herself
off the State Senator
Harry R. Burton Bridge.
Marta, when was the
last time you saw Maris?
Just before you come.
Maybe we can still catch her.
Well, don't panic.
She still has that
tracking device.
The cops will stop her.
Yes, but if we can catch her,
maybe I can talk her down!
Perfect, Missy Crane.
I put the tracking bracelet
behind the painting,
just like you say.
The workmen will
take you in a minute.
What? Okay.
Hey, Frasier, I'm
glad I caught you.
Did you just get home?
No. I've been here awhile.
I can't bring myself to go in.
Not with her in there.
She's getting better.
Look, I did you a favor.
My lawyer drew up this document.
It releases you
from all liability
if you can just
get Ann to sign it.
Oh, Roz, there's no way
I'm going to get
her to sign this.
But I have a better plan.
I've just booked passage
for her and her mother
on a two-week cruise to Alaska.
That way, I'll get
her out of my home,
but she'll still feel
like we're friends.
Hmm. Not a bad idea.
Good luck with that. Thank you.
Roz, I've been
meaning to ask you.
How did you ever
become friends with Ann?
She's not really
your type, is she?
Oh, we're not really friends.
I rear-ended her in 1989.
Well, I say divorce him
and take him to the cleaners.
When you play with
someone's heart,
you deserve to pay big-time.
My ex sure did.
Yes! He's still
living in his van,
and he's lucky I
let him keep that.
Listen, I got to go.
My Bunny's home, and
he's looking so handsome.
Okay.
I'll call you later.
You!
Alaska?
Oh, the tickets arrived.
You bet they did.
I just called my mother,
and she's thrilled.
Well, I hoped she would be.
She can't believe that
you're taking me to Alaska!
You... you told her
I was taking you?
Don't worry. I told her your
intentions were honorable...
but they better not be.
Ann...
You know, I've been
wondering all week,
"Why is Frasier keeping me here?
He could have just sent
me home with a nurse."
But then I got these,
and I figured it out.
You've got a thing for me.
Well, I've got news
for you, Romeo.
Hold that thought
while Bunny goes
and pours himself a
big ol' glass of wine.
Caroline.
Hi, Frasier. Am I early?
Uh...
Who are you?
Just a neighbor.
Is our date still on? Date?!
No!
Since we made
our plans, Caroline,
I've met someone else.
Me! So beat it.
Frasier?
Just go!
Well...
someone's quite the tomcat.
I don't know what I'm
going to do with you.
I don't know what
I'm going to do
with you either.
Hey!
Hey, Bunny, what's this?
Oh, it's... it's nothing.
Just... just work stuff.
It's got my name on it.
It's a liability release.
Oh, my gosh.
You think I'm going
to sue you? No.
So that's why you've
been so nice to me.
Because you're
afraid of a lawsuit.
So this whole romance
was just a fake!
No! You were leading me on.
No. Never.
Well, I've got news for you.
Nobody plays with my heart!
I should sue you!
I realize that you're
angry now, Bunny...
You're Bunny! I'm
calling a lawyer!
All right, fine! Go
ahead and sue!
I am fed up with this charade.
This was an accident.
I have cared for you,
I have waited on you,
I have pumiced your
heels and set your hair!
Well...
If that's not enough
for you, so be it!
I don't care anymore!
I will not beg!
You can take me to the cleaners,
but you cannot take my dignity!
Okay. See you in court.
Dear God, please, no!
Please! No!
No! Please!
Please! Please don't sue me!
My... things.
My beautiful, beautiful things.
I... I love them so!
Are you crying?
No.
Gross!
Frasier, pull yourself together.
I'll sign your stupid paper.
You will?
God! To think I
had a thing for you.
Can I pick 'em, or what?
Thank you, Ann.
I'm sorry it had to come down
to all this legal business.
If it were up to
me, I would tear up
this piece of paper
and forget everything
that's happened here.
And, uh... here.
And... here.
Yes, Officer. We're headed east
on Highway 61 toward the bridge.
Do you have a read on
her tracking bracelet yet?
They say she just
passed exit 29.
We just passed exit 29.
I don't see anyone ahead of us.
You suppose we passed her?
There is a car behind us.
Pull over immediately.
Dad, you were a
cop. What do we do?
Pull over immediately.
We don't have time for this!
We need to get to the bridge!
According to our
tracking device,
your wife's in this vehicle.
But that's absurd!
And she's his ex-wife.
Oh, no. The press is here.
Open the trunk, sir.
There's an item of a very
personal nature in there.
If you could just
keep the media away?
Now!
See? See? No Maris.
Oh! Uh... Be careful with that.
That... that's what I
didn't want you to...
Oh, geez.
What the hell is that?
It's Pan the satyr,
a minor god of mischief,
debauchery and fornication.
That's what our son would
look like if I were a goat.
There's your tracking
device right there.
She conned us!
Well, you have your bracelet.
I guess I'll just
take my painting.
Sorry, sir. This is evidence.
No!
"so I shipped myself
to our private island,
"where, like dear Uncle Julius,
"I will be immune
from extradition.
"Thank you all, and forgive me.
"Best regards, Maris.
"P.S. Big ups to all
my homies in lockdown.
Stay black. Cell block D."
So you were the decoys.
It's ingenious.
How did she get the
tracking bracelet off?
Mmm. Apparently, she
swallowed a salt tablet
to make her ankles swell
right before they fitted her.
And then, when the
swelling went down,
the bracelet just
slipped right off.
So that's it. No more Maris.
Strange to think I'll
never see her again.
She was a pain,
but she was a character.
Well, then, let's
drink a toast to her.
Well, there's just
a... a drop left.
Perfect. I can't think
of a more fitting toast.
Yeah. There we go.
To Maris.
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
You know, I heard the
most extraordinary thing
on the radio today.
I know!
Rubinstein's torrid survey
of the Chopin mazurkas.
It took all my strength
not to turn the car around,
drive home and ravish my wife.
That Daphne is one lucky lady.
No, I was referring to the fact
that Maris has been
released on bail.
Oh, yes.
Of course, she's still under
house arrest until her murder trial.
Poor thing, has to wear
an electronic tracking device
on her ankle.
And she can't keep
the press off her back.
They're printing the most
vicious stories about her.
I saw one of those.
Is it true that she fired
one of the gardeners
because she found a
worm on the front walk?
Well, to be fair,
Maris has always been frightened
and disgusted by them.
It's just a stupid worm.
No, I'm talking about gardeners.
Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Dad.
Pull up a chair.
Oh, thanks. Looking sharp.
I don't think I've
ever seen this jacket.
That's because I
don't wear it too often.
But you know,
sometimes when I do,
I find all kinds of
junk in the pockets.
It's like I'm putting on a
time capsule or something.
Here...
here's something from
the world of yesterday.
Dear God, Dad. That's my
home insurance payment.
I asked you to mail
this three months ago.
Oh, geez, I'm sorry, Fras.
But you see what I
mean about the jacket?
I can still see him
giving me that envelope.
No wonder my
agent's been calling me.
My policy's probably
been canceled.
Yes, Jim Sundquist, please.
Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane.
Yes, I know. I just
discovered that myself.
Listen, how much to renew?
What?
Well, I'm going to
have to think that over.
All right. I'll call you.
Thanks, Jim.
Scandinavian shyster!
Cold-hearted, glad-handed
highway robber.
Phony big-toothed smiling
son-of-a-bitch insurance man.
Not you, Jim. Love to Marie.
Damn, I'm going to have
to pay twice as much.
Why don't you just
find another insurer?
Oh, you know who
you should talk to.
Ann Hodges.
Oh, Roz, have
you lost your mind?
I never want to see
that woman again.
Who is she?
Oh, it's a friend of Roz's.
We had a stunningly bad date
during which my behavior
was... less than chivalrous.
You ate her ravioli
then hit on another woman
in the same restaurant.
Which I concede was
less than chivalrous.
Well, the least you could do
is throw her some business.
She just did mine.
She did a great job.
And she can rush
this through for you.
Here you go. Here's her card.
You should be covered, Frasier.
God forbid something happens...
A pipe bursts or
Dad screws up again.
Remember the great
bacon fire of '98?
I suppose spending ten minutes
with the woman won't kill me.
Oh, for God's sake,
Jim, hang up already.
Well, this is me.
Thanks again for holding
the elevator, Caroline.
Well, you did throw
your briefcase into it.
Yes, yes, well...
You'd be surprised how
many people just kick it back out
and then push
the "close" button.
You know,
maybe I could repay you
by taking you to
dinner some evening.
Yeah, I'd like that. How
about next Monday?
Perfect.
Why not stop by my
place first for a drink?
Uh, around 6:00?
Sounds good. Great.
Thanks again.
And sorry about the briefcase.
You might want to put
some ice on that ankle.
Hi, Fras. Hi, Dad.
What have you got there?
Oh, I made a sandwich
from some of your
cold chicken in there.
Also known as quail.
Get a plate before you start
dripping mayonnaise all over.
Oh, relax. I'm almost done.
Oh, and by the way,
until this home is
insured once again,
there will be no more
barbecuing or deep-frying.
Does that include the
hot plate in my bedroom?
Since when do you
have a hot plate?
Since I finally figured
out how to plug it in.
In just one outlet,
I have my TV, aquarium,
clock radio, and
that old space heater.
Yes, well, unplug everything.
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Ann. Uh, please,
won't you come in.
This is my father, Martin Crane.
Oh, I've heard all about you.
Frasier and I used to go out.
Oh.
I'll be in my room.
So, this is kind of weird, huh?
Yes. I hope that your being here
means that you've forgiven me?
Well, I was pretty
steamed after that date,
but my shrink helped
me work through the rage.
Good thing you didn't walk
in front of my car on the street.
For the first few weeks there,
I would have just gotten out
and given you a good kick.
Well... and I would
have deserved one, too.
Here, let me take your coat.
You're going to want to
take a look around the place
before you write up the policy.
Oh, very nice!
Thank you... thank
you very much.
Hey, this guy looks like my ex.
I'm just kidding.
He wasn't black.
Can I get you
something to drink?
Just water, but I'll get it. I
want to see your kitchen.
Wow, schmancy.
And so clean.
You know, there's a
homosexual couple
that lives in my building
and their kitchen
is like a pigsty
compared to yours.
Whoops, spoke too soon.
Somebody dripped
a little bit of mayon...
Ann?
Boy, who'd have thunk
a little mayo on the floor
could end up breaking your leg?
So, how's that cast feeling?
Okay.
I'm worried about
my apartment, though.
It's a fourth-floor walk-up.
Oh, dear... well,
is there a friend
or a family member we could call
to come and get you?
No. Just my mom and
she lives in Portland.
Uh-oh.
"Uh-oh"?
What's that supposed to mean?
If you screwed anything up, I
will sue you blue, buddy boy.
No, no, it's nothing.
The bulb burned out.
Oh.
Let's find you a
pair of crutches.
Watch it on the
turns there, Doc.
Precious cargo.
I hope you enjoyed
your sandwich.
It may end up costing
me my apartment.
You think she'll sue you?
Dad, she's as insurance woman!
If anybody knows anything
about milking money
out of an injury, it's her.
Won't your insurance cover it?
I have no insurance!
All right.
But you know what?
Why don't you just try
to get on her good side.
Pay all her expenses,
maybe throw in a private
nurse for a few days...
That's good. But she's
too dangerous to be left
to her own thoughts right now.
We've got to try the
personal approach.
I'll tell you what...
Why don't we invite
her to spend a few days
recuperating in our apartment?
Oh...!
Friends do not sue friends.
Ooh, my pits are
barking already.
Ann, listen, Dad and
I were just talking.
We thought maybe you
should just stay at our place
until you get used
to your crutches.
Really?
Sure. That's what friends do.
Thanks.
Well, I'll call my super
and have him send over
some clothes and my trumpet,
and we're good to go.
You play the trumpet?
Oh, I just started.
It's really hard.
Hey!
Oh, sorry!
Damn it, Frasier, I just walked
in on your insurance lady
taking a sponge bath.
Dear God, which sponge?
A small one.
This has been the
longest two days of my life.
Well, what do you think,
it's been a vacation for me?
I have cooked her meals,
I have massaged her feet.
I've also applauded wildly
to her trumpet rendition of
"Froggy Went A-Courtin'."
But I have won her over.
There will be no discussion
of a lawsuit tomorrow
when I send her a-packin'.
Oh, Niles.
Hey, Frasier. Hey, Dad.
Brace yourself:
I finally got
around to returning
your escargot clamps.
Oh... oh, thank you, Niles.
Oh, that's what those are.
I've been using
them to pull ticks
out of Eddie's coat.
Sherry? Oh, please.
Yes, thank you.
I have Maris news.
She's auctioning off
some of her things
to help pay for her defense.
She's letting me come by
first to claim anything I want.
Well, this is my chance to seize
and destroy my boudoir painting.
What's that?
Oh, well, years ago, Maris
and I got the idea in our heads
to commission portraits of a...
well, a quasi-erotic nature.
Dear God.
Continue.
Well, Maris is depicted as
a doe-eyed wood nymph,
while in my painting,
I am the satyr, Pan...
a louche, sybaritic goat-man
with a depraved appetite
for all things sensual.
Oh, I forgot to lock that door.
Your dad sure got an eyeful.
Yes, uh, bumbling old man.
I'm terribly sorry.
Well, no birthday gift for
him this year... he's had it.
Hi, Niles.
Hello, Ann. It's
so nice to see you.
I'm sorry I can't stay.
You're leaving?
You're always leaving.
Oh, just lately.
Bye. FRASIER: Bye-bye, Niles.
Uh, well, wait till you see
what I've made you
for dinner this evening.
Your favorite...
Mac and cheese
with sliced hot dogs.
Oh...
You keep pampering me this way,
it'll be hard to go
home next month.
Next month?
Well, let's cross our fingers.
My bones tend to knit slowly.
Uh, aren't you afraid
to leave your apartment
untended for a whole month?
Not a problem.
I just sublet it this
morning to a girl from work.
If she chips so much as
one of my porcelain piggies,
I'll sue her six ways to Sunday.
If you want to beat her to
death with one of her crutches,
I can show you how to
make it look like an accident.
Here is everything.
I tell Missy Crane you are here.
Thank you, Marta.
Wow. Maybe I can find
something nice for Ronee here.
This whole Ann thing has
got me practically
living over there.
Look at this fancy
back-scratcher.
That's not exactly what it is.
Every winter, Maris
would fly down
to the private island her
family owns in the South Pacific.
On Christmas, she'd let
the native children come by
and fish coins
from her fountain.
Oh. Some kind of
coin-scooper, huh?
No. It's a stick with
a claw on the end of it
in case any of the
children got too close to her.
Ah! I found me.
Daphne, avert your eyes.
Let's just get this
thing wrapped up
and into my trunk.
Oh, geez! How could you
stand to look at yourself like that?
I never had to.
It was in Maris's bedroom.
Uh... Marta?
Tell Maris we'll be
back to say good-bye.
Yes, Dr. Crane.
Thank you.
You were right, Missy Crane.
They take the
painting right away.
Now drink your protein shake.
You have a long
trip ahead of you.
Oh! Very good, Missy Crane.
You drink a lot.
What? Too much? Okay.
Oh, here they come.
I can't tell you...
Can we leave now?
This place gives me the chills.
It was designed to.
Just let me say good-bye
to Maris, and we'll be out...
Doctor! Doctor!
What is it, Marta?
I no find Missy Crane.
I go up to her room, and
all there is is this note.
Dear God.
She says she doesn't
believe she can get a fair trial,
and she can't
face life in prison,
so she's going to hurl herself
off the State Senator
Harry R. Burton Bridge.
Marta, when was the
last time you saw Maris?
Just before you come.
Maybe we can still catch her.
Well, don't panic.
She still has that
tracking device.
The cops will stop her.
Yes, but if we can catch her,
maybe I can talk her down!
Perfect, Missy Crane.
I put the tracking bracelet
behind the painting,
just like you say.
The workmen will
take you in a minute.
What? Okay.
Hey, Frasier, I'm
glad I caught you.
Did you just get home?
No. I've been here awhile.
I can't bring myself to go in.
Not with her in there.
She's getting better.
Look, I did you a favor.
My lawyer drew up this document.
It releases you
from all liability
if you can just
get Ann to sign it.
Oh, Roz, there's no way
I'm going to get
her to sign this.
But I have a better plan.
I've just booked passage
for her and her mother
on a two-week cruise to Alaska.
That way, I'll get
her out of my home,
but she'll still feel
like we're friends.
Hmm. Not a bad idea.
Good luck with that. Thank you.
Roz, I've been
meaning to ask you.
How did you ever
become friends with Ann?
She's not really
your type, is she?
Oh, we're not really friends.
I rear-ended her in 1989.
Well, I say divorce him
and take him to the cleaners.
When you play with
someone's heart,
you deserve to pay big-time.
My ex sure did.
Yes! He's still
living in his van,
and he's lucky I
let him keep that.
Listen, I got to go.
My Bunny's home, and
he's looking so handsome.
Okay.
I'll call you later.
You!
Alaska?
Oh, the tickets arrived.
You bet they did.
I just called my mother,
and she's thrilled.
Well, I hoped she would be.
She can't believe that
you're taking me to Alaska!
You... you told her
I was taking you?
Don't worry. I told her your
intentions were honorable...
but they better not be.
Ann...
You know, I've been
wondering all week,
"Why is Frasier keeping me here?
He could have just sent
me home with a nurse."
But then I got these,
and I figured it out.
You've got a thing for me.
Well, I've got news
for you, Romeo.
Hold that thought
while Bunny goes
and pours himself a
big ol' glass of wine.
Caroline.
Hi, Frasier. Am I early?
Uh...
Who are you?
Just a neighbor.
Is our date still on? Date?!
No!
Since we made
our plans, Caroline,
I've met someone else.
Me! So beat it.
Frasier?
Just go!
Well...
someone's quite the tomcat.
I don't know what I'm
going to do with you.
I don't know what
I'm going to do
with you either.
Hey!
Hey, Bunny, what's this?
Oh, it's... it's nothing.
Just... just work stuff.
It's got my name on it.
It's a liability release.
Oh, my gosh.
You think I'm going
to sue you? No.
So that's why you've
been so nice to me.
Because you're
afraid of a lawsuit.
So this whole romance
was just a fake!
No! You were leading me on.
No. Never.
Well, I've got news for you.
Nobody plays with my heart!
I should sue you!
I realize that you're
angry now, Bunny...
You're Bunny! I'm
calling a lawyer!
All right, fine! Go
ahead and sue!
I am fed up with this charade.
This was an accident.
I have cared for you,
I have waited on you,
I have pumiced your
heels and set your hair!
Well...
If that's not enough
for you, so be it!
I don't care anymore!
I will not beg!
You can take me to the cleaners,
but you cannot take my dignity!
Okay. See you in court.
Dear God, please, no!
Please! No!
No! Please!
Please! Please don't sue me!
My... things.
My beautiful, beautiful things.
I... I love them so!
Are you crying?
No.
Gross!
Frasier, pull yourself together.
I'll sign your stupid paper.
You will?
God! To think I
had a thing for you.
Can I pick 'em, or what?
Thank you, Ann.
I'm sorry it had to come down
to all this legal business.
If it were up to
me, I would tear up
this piece of paper
and forget everything
that's happened here.
And, uh... here.
And... here.
Yes, Officer. We're headed east
on Highway 61 toward the bridge.
Do you have a read on
her tracking bracelet yet?
They say she just
passed exit 29.
We just passed exit 29.
I don't see anyone ahead of us.
You suppose we passed her?
There is a car behind us.
Pull over immediately.
Dad, you were a
cop. What do we do?
Pull over immediately.
We don't have time for this!
We need to get to the bridge!
According to our
tracking device,
your wife's in this vehicle.
But that's absurd!
And she's his ex-wife.
Oh, no. The press is here.
Open the trunk, sir.
There's an item of a very
personal nature in there.
If you could just
keep the media away?
Now!
See? See? No Maris.
Oh! Uh... Be careful with that.
That... that's what I
didn't want you to...
Oh, geez.
What the hell is that?
It's Pan the satyr,
a minor god of mischief,
debauchery and fornication.
That's what our son would
look like if I were a goat.
There's your tracking
device right there.
She conned us!
Well, you have your bracelet.
I guess I'll just
take my painting.
Sorry, sir. This is evidence.
No!
"so I shipped myself
to our private island,
"where, like dear Uncle Julius,
"I will be immune
from extradition.
"Thank you all, and forgive me.
"Best regards, Maris.
"P.S. Big ups to all
my homies in lockdown.
Stay black. Cell block D."
So you were the decoys.
It's ingenious.
How did she get the
tracking bracelet off?
Mmm. Apparently, she
swallowed a salt tablet
to make her ankles swell
right before they fitted her.
And then, when the
swelling went down,
the bracelet just
slipped right off.
So that's it. No more Maris.
Strange to think I'll
never see her again.
She was a pain,
but she was a character.
Well, then, let's
drink a toast to her.
Well, there's just
a... a drop left.
Perfect. I can't think
of a more fitting toast.
Yeah. There we go.
To Maris.