Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 5 - The Placeholder - full transcript
Frasier seems to have become a lonely bachelor who spends his evenings eating vegetable soup and looking after a friend's cat, Mr. Bottomsley. Dining out with the family is also now an embarrassment for him, being between two couples: Niles and Daphne, and Martin and Ronee. Roz offers to set him up with a friend of hers, a divorcée who works in insurance, saying she would be the perfect "placeholder". Frasier is not keen, but desperate not to turn into a solitary old man, agrees to a date with Ann (played by Julia Sweeney). Halfway through what he finds an insufferably dull meal, Kenny appears with his attractive cousin Liz Wright (Krista Allen) who works in the arts, and offers Frasier a way out. All he has to do is get rid of his date.
Does he wear jewelry?
'Cause I don't do "man jewelry."
He doesn't wear jewelry.
What about skin issues?
Because I have a thing
against tags, growths,
any kind of fleshy masses.
Ann, he's male and
his heart is beating.
What else do you need to know?
Okay.
Frasier.
Roz, I came as
quickly as I could.
What's the emergency?
Oh, no, it's not an
emergency. It's just...
Hi. I'm Ann Hodges.
I'm divorced.
I'm sorry. I'm
Dr. Frasier Crane.
I thought you two
would like to meet.
Ann is in insurance.
Oh, well, I'm sorry
she dragged you
all the way down here.
I've just renewed my policy.
Perhaps Roz could introduce
you to my brother Niles.
Is he single?
No, but with a baby on the way,
he might need some
additional coverage.
Super.
Well, thanks a lot, Roz.
This was totally worth
a drive across town.
Are you dense? I was
trying to set you guys up.
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
Maybe because you
haven't had a date in ages
and it's starting to show.
What is that, your purse?
This is a grocery tote.
I wanted to pick
up some vegetables
and some cat food at the market.
You did not get a cat.
No, no, I am cat-sitting
for a neighbor.
And I go out. I'm
going out this evening.
With whom?
People.
People you're related to?
They're still people.
Listen, Roz, I may not
go out as often as you do,
but that's because
I have standards.
Haven't you ever heard
of waiting for Miss Right?
Yeah, well, Miss Right
has standards, too,
and she's not looking
to meet Mr. Mothballs.
You can smell that? Oh, dear.
You need a placeholder.
You know, someone
you can go out with
and just keep your
dating muscles toned.
That way you'll be ready
when Miss Right comes along.
And Ann Hodges is
a born placeholder.
I don't want to go out with
somebody I'm not interested in.
I would rather
wait for Miss Right.
And while I'm waiting,
there's no reason I can't
live a rich and rewarding life.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get these
vegetables home
and into a hearty winter soup.
Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, Doc, you're always free.
My cousin's in town.
Why don't you help
me show her the city?
Did Roz put you up to this?
I had nothing to do
with it. I swear to God.
Well, I'm sorry, Kenny,
but I am booked
all this weekend.
Oh, here's luck.
I found a perfectly good
thimble in this pocket.
See you later.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, I tried.
NILES: Reservation for Crane.
For four, sir?
No, sorry, for five.
We added one.
All we have is a table for four.
We can all squeeze.
This one's always on my lap
after the second drink anyway.
Very well, madam.
Get the chair.
You know, there's really no
need to go to all this trouble.
I have a perfectly good
winter soup back home.
Don't be silly. Oh, no.
All right, um...
Well, um...
Oh!
I'm sorry. Do you
have anything higher?
Sorry, sir. I will
look for a cushion.
So, Fras,
tell everybody about that new
antique you picked up today.
Well, it's a late
Regency fruitwood mirror.
Very valuable if it has the
original glass, which mine does.
No. What are the odds?
Boy, if you like mirrors
you should see the one
Ronee's got in her dressing room.
It's got lights all
around the edges,
and it has three settings.
Yeah. Daytime,
nighttime, and yikes.
( laughing)
Oh, yes, excuse me.
If I could get a place
setting, that would be lovely.
What's Inizio Due Cuore?
That's our appetizer
sampler for two.
A bruschetta for you,
a bruschetta for
your love and so on.
Is it possible to
make that for one?
One?
Yes, a bruschetta for me,
no bruschetta for
my love and so on.
I'm sorry. It's due or no.
NILES: That's fine.
We'll get two orders
and we'll just all share.
Very good.
Mm, looks delicious.
This is fun, you know.
This is the first time
Marty and I have been
out with another couple.
And... Frasier.
It's fun being out
with Frasier, too.
( all agreeing)
We love being out with
Frasier, don't we, Niles.
All right, listen, all of
you, just knock it off.
Welcome, everyone.
42 years ago tonight,
I married my beautiful Theresa.
And now, we hope
that all you loving
couples out there
will help us celebrate
our happiness
by joining us in a dance.
The fish...
Oh, just go dance.
Hello...
Mr. Bottomsley.
Dinner was an
absolute nightmare.
Fortunately, I was able
to slip out of there early
and pick you up a little treat.
( chuckles)
Fresh tuna.
You're welcome.
( over answering machine):
Frasier, this is Roz.
Write down this number.
555-0179.
Don't get mad, but
that's Ann's number.
I talked to her and
she really thought
you were cute and sweet and...
Honestly, why does
everyone assume
that I need some
companionship in my life?
Has the world gone
mad, Mr. Bottomsley?
What shall we two bachelors
do this evening, Mr. B?
Perhaps a crossword puzzle?
Maybe watch a little telly?
Oh, I know...
How about a nice hot bath?
( chuckles)
I'm just teasing.
Now, I know that you're
used to eating canned tuna,
so this will taste different,
but if you're like me,
I think you'll agree
it's much better.
If only there were
a treat here for me.
( gasps)
What's this?
A delicious
nine-vegetable winter soup.
Oh...
( sniffs)
Yes, Mr. B, I think
you were right
about the bay leaves.
( with British accent): Oh, Mr. Bottomsley,
lovely to see you again, sir.
Your customary
table, I presume, hmm?
Splendid.
Here you go.
( sighs)
Come on, buddy.
Well, isn't this civilized?
Beat it, Eddie.
There's none for you.
Do you feel a draft, Mr. B?
I'm just a little bit cold.
There we are.
That's better.
Ooh, that's still
a little too hot.
You know what? While
we're letting that cool,
why don't we find a
home for our antique.
There we are. Yes.
You know, you don't find
one of these very easily.
Especially in such
good condition.
Won't that covetous Niles be
mad when he sees it, hmm?
But he can't have it, can he?
No.
Yes, he can't have it,
can he?
No, no...
Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley.
( cat shrieks)
Get that number.
Mrs. Gablyczyck...
these new shirts,
did Mrs. Crane ask
you to buy them for me?
Because I already have
shirts just like these.
No, no, after I wash, I pin them
and wrap in plastic.
You not like?
No, no...
( voice breaking):
I like very much.
Thank you, mister.
( doorbell ringing)
Oh...
No, I'll get it.
Hey, Dad, come on in. Hi.
Daphne will be right
down and we can go.
Where's Frasier?
On a date.
Get out!
About time, huh?
You know, it's like I
was saying to Eddie...
This guy's got to get a life.
DAPHNE: Niles, I left $60
on the desk yesterday
and now it's gone.
Is that proof enough for you?
Are you sure you
didn't misplace it?
You know I didn't.
What's going on?
Ever since we hired
Mrs. Gablyczyck
things have been disappearing...
Liquor, money, linens.
So she's stealing from you.
Yes. We don't know that.
And frankly, it's
hard to believe
that someone who'll
go out in a rainstorm
to clean pigeon muck
from the solarium skylight
is capable of theft.
We can't put up with stealing
just because she's
good at what she does.
First of all, she's not
good at what she does.
She's brilliant.
She's an artist.
Tell you what... you give
me five minutes with her.
If she's hiding anything,
I'll get it out of her.
Dad, we are not going to coerce
a confession out of this woman
based on
circumstantial evidence.
( bell dings)
Oven is clean.
Now I scrub down dishwasher.
Oh, Mrs. Gablyczyck, you
dropped some... money.
Thank you, mister.
All right, Dad, you've
got five minutes.
FRASIER: We'd like your
famous appetizer for two, please.
I'll let your waiter know.
Thank you very much.
So, Ann...
tell me everything.
Who is Ann Hodges?
Wow. Well, I'm an
insurance claims adjuster.
That's what's so funny.
When we met, you
thought I was in sales,
but I'm not.
Oh.
I'm in claims.
Well, you know, we don't
have to have just shop talk.
What are your dreams?
Oh, my God.
Well, my dream is to be
a senior claims adjuster.
It's sort of the same,
but you get a private cube
and your own extension.
I would've got it last year,
but I paid a big claim
the company didn't like.
I knew I goofed
the second I did it.
It was just one of those
"Shoot!" moments, you know,
when you just say "Shoot!"
Do you ever do that,
make a big mistake and
want to go back in time
and just do something different?
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm going to
run to the ladies' room.
I just had to have
that Dr. Pepper
while I was getting dressed.
Good evening, sir. Ah.
Would you care for something
to drink? Yes, as a matter of fact,
I would... I'd like,
uh, your finest bottle
of Barolo, please.
Why don't you come
back in a minute
and see what the lady likes.
Doc? Hm?
Hey, small world! Oh, Kenny, hi.
This is my cousin I
was telling you about.
This is Dr. Crane. Oh.
Hello. Dr. Crane,
I heard your show
today... it was great.
( chuckles): Well...
Is this your, uh,
first time in Seattle?
Yes, it is... I'm a
fine arts dealer,
but I'm considering a curator
position at the Seattle Art Museum.
That's impressive.
KENNY: Oh, that's nothing.
She teaches kids ballet,
and she rock climbs,
she plays the harp.
Oh, what am I doing? I
haven't introduced you.
Dr. Frasier Crane,
Liz Wright.
It's lovely to meet
you... Miss Wright.
( chuckles)
Well, it's too bad
you're not free tonight.
You could've joined us.
Well, how about tomorrow night?
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm on a
plane tonight to Amsterdam.
I have a job offer
there as well.
I'm doing my best to
convince her to pick Seattle,
but it's tough when you're
up against the Dutch.
Ah.
I could've really used
your help there, Doc.
Yes, well, you know, I'm
just about finished up here.
You know, we wouldn't
want to interrupt your date.
Oh, it's not a
date. It's not a date.
It's just a little
business thing.
I'll tell you what, I'll
just wrap things up here,
and then I'll come and help
you wage the battle for Seattle.
( laughs): Okay.
That's great.
We'll see you soon.
Man, oh, man, that
place was a madhouse.
I got so tired of waiting,
I just decided to hold it.
I'm so glad you picked Italian.
I love macaroni.
Ah.
That's another thing we
have in common, I guess.
( chuckles): Well...
Uh, you know, Ann,
uh, first dates are funny.
Uh, sometimes it takes a
while for two people to click.
Sometimes you know
right away, and, uh,
I think when you do,
you should just feel free...
You are so cute. Click.
( laughing)
What?
Click, click...
The sound of us clicking.
Ann, um...
You don't know
what a relief this is.
I've only had one
date since my divorce.
Well, half a date.
The jerk actually called it
off in the middle of dinner.
I was a wreck.
I didn't get out
of bed for a week.
Or shave my legs.
Your appetizers. Oh.
Gosh, this is a feast.
I'm not sure we'll need
to order a main course.
Well, this ain't
gonna do it for me.
I'm starvin' like Marvin.
Mrs. Gablyczyck,
we're friends here.
No one wants to send you
to jail or back to your country.
We just need you to admit
that you took the money.
I no take nothing.
Do you want to go to jail?!
Do you want to go
back to your country?!
Well, I was hoping it
wouldn't come to this,
but I'm afraid we're going
to have to show her the tape.
What tape?
It's from the
surveillance camera.
It shows you stealing.
( whispers): You have a camera?
DAPHNE: You
might as well confess.
I've got the evidence.
I want to see tape.
All right.
I'll give you one last chance
to tell the truth,
Mrs. Gablyczyck,
because if we watch this tape,
we'll have no choice
but to call the police.
I see tape.
All right.
I'm putting the tape in.
Here I go.
I'm pressing play.
Now I'm switching the
input from cable to video.
Niles, get ready
to call the police.
( people singing on tape):
♪ ...birthday, dear Dad... ♪
Hey, that's me!
Yes,
I used an old tape
of your birthday party,
but the surveillance
part's coming up.
Last chance, Mrs. Gablyczyck.
It's coming up...
Okay, I have to step in here...
All right, all right!
I stole.
You did?
I didn't think you know.
I bring it back.
( sighs)
Well done, Daphne.
Oh, but I'm so disappointed.
I was really hoping
you were wrong.
Hey, hey, did you see that?
Watch this again.
What?
You must have put
the camera down
when we went into the
kitchen for ice cream.
Watch Daphne's mother.
My mother? She stayed
behind to grab her sweater.
And our candlesticks.
And our 20-year-old scotch.
This is plate I brought home.
I take Mrs. Crane's
leftover meat pie.
But I brought plate back.
Mrs. Gablyczyck...
we're so sorry.
We've made a terrible mistake.
We know now you
didn't steal anything.
Can you ever forgive us?
Of course, mister.
You're nice man.
And you're nice lady.
Are you sure that's all the
little bunny wants to eat,
just a little green salad?
The bunny had a
big Mexican lunch.
You know, if
you're feeling full,
then I'm sure they could
wrap up the rest of that for you.
Oh, no, I'm just
trying to pace myself
so I'll have room for dessert.
I hear the soufflé here
is well worth the wait.
Excuse me. I'd better get that.
That didn't even ring.
Yes, it did. Hello? Oh.
Niles?
Is there something wrong?
Oh, dear God, well,
you-you just stay
there on the floor.
I'll be right there.
I'm so sorry. Uh...
Is everything all right?
Well, uh, actually,
it's my brother.
He's thrown out his back again.
Oh, God, right in the middle
of our magical evening, too.
Check, please. Thank you.
Uh, you know...
I guess I'm just going to
have to put you in a cab.
I'm so sorry... I was having
such a lovely evening.
Well, maybe we could meet
for coffee tomorrow. Yes,
um, all right, all right.
Ah, thank you very much.
Uh, yes, here,
yeah, that's fine.
You just keep the
change. Uh, thank you.
Uh, shall we?
You know, I'm just
going to call a cab later.
There's no sense all
this food going to waste.
You know what? I-I can't leave.
I can't. It would be rude.
Oh, don't be silly. Go. No, no.
It's... it's not like he's
going anywhere anyway.
( chuckling)
Okay. Well, uh, are you
sure you're not hungry?
You're welcome
to try some of mine.
Well, now that you mention it,
uh, I guess I
would like to try it.
Yes, thank you.
Well, help yourself. Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, where were we?
Oh, that's right. My husband.
Anyway, he says
he doesn't love me.
He's bored, blah,
blah, he's suffocating.
If only, I say.
I would have gotten
a nice little settlement.
I mean, we were
covered up the yin-yang.
He had a sweet whole-life policy
that paid double
for accidental death.
I borrowed against
it to get my Hyundai.
Hey!
Who's the ravioli monster?
Roar.
You're worried about
your brother, aren't you?
Mm. Maybe we should just go.
All right.
Once again, I've had
such a lovely evening.
( Ann laughs)
I hope I didn't
talk your ear off.
I can still hear you, so no.
( chuckles)
Gosh, you know, uh...
I'm parked out back, so I'll
just slip out through the kitchen.
I'm sure the valet
can flag you a cab.
Oh.
Okay. Well... here we are...
The awkward part.
Oh, it's not awkward at all.
I'd be delighted
to pay for your cab.
Here we are. Bye-bye.
( chuckling): I... I
hope I'm not too late.
You know, I think I talked her
into taking that Seattle job.
Oh, well,
let me be the first to offer
my congratulations...
to Seattle.
Thank you.
And please let me
offer my services
as, uh... cultural attaché.
Well, I would love that.
I think this calls for a toast.
May I see your list of
champagnes, please?
Ann.
I thought you left our date
to go take care of your brother.
Date? I-I thought you said
you were just wrapping
up a business meeting.
Is that why you
ate all my raviolis?
Because you were just
trying to get rid of me?
No, no, of-of course not.
Listen, there's a perfectly
logical explanation
for all this, which is...
I'm sorry. I've-I've
got to take that.
Hello?
That didn't ring.
It's very soft.
FRASIER: Oh, gosh, Dad,
that sounds serious.
You stay put.
I'll be right there.
( phone rings) Ow! That's loud!
Oh, Doc, what are you doing?
This is exactly
like my other date!
Kenny, I think I'd like to get to
the airport a little early tonight.
But, Miss Wright...
I'll meet you out front.
Excuse me.
But, Liz...
This one hurts, Doc. I
had a soufflé coming.
I'm sorry, Ann.
I'm sorry, too.
Sorry for thinking
you were different
than all the other
jerks out there.
But you're not.
You're just another
selfish, dishonest creep.
You're right. I don't
know what to say.
Well, maybe you can
come up with something
before we have coffee tomorrow.
Are you seriously
suggesting that...
What?!
See you at 10:00?
Okay.
( Theme Song Plays)
'Cause I don't do "man jewelry."
He doesn't wear jewelry.
What about skin issues?
Because I have a thing
against tags, growths,
any kind of fleshy masses.
Ann, he's male and
his heart is beating.
What else do you need to know?
Okay.
Frasier.
Roz, I came as
quickly as I could.
What's the emergency?
Oh, no, it's not an
emergency. It's just...
Hi. I'm Ann Hodges.
I'm divorced.
I'm sorry. I'm
Dr. Frasier Crane.
I thought you two
would like to meet.
Ann is in insurance.
Oh, well, I'm sorry
she dragged you
all the way down here.
I've just renewed my policy.
Perhaps Roz could introduce
you to my brother Niles.
Is he single?
No, but with a baby on the way,
he might need some
additional coverage.
Super.
Well, thanks a lot, Roz.
This was totally worth
a drive across town.
Are you dense? I was
trying to set you guys up.
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
Maybe because you
haven't had a date in ages
and it's starting to show.
What is that, your purse?
This is a grocery tote.
I wanted to pick
up some vegetables
and some cat food at the market.
You did not get a cat.
No, no, I am cat-sitting
for a neighbor.
And I go out. I'm
going out this evening.
With whom?
People.
People you're related to?
They're still people.
Listen, Roz, I may not
go out as often as you do,
but that's because
I have standards.
Haven't you ever heard
of waiting for Miss Right?
Yeah, well, Miss Right
has standards, too,
and she's not looking
to meet Mr. Mothballs.
You can smell that? Oh, dear.
You need a placeholder.
You know, someone
you can go out with
and just keep your
dating muscles toned.
That way you'll be ready
when Miss Right comes along.
And Ann Hodges is
a born placeholder.
I don't want to go out with
somebody I'm not interested in.
I would rather
wait for Miss Right.
And while I'm waiting,
there's no reason I can't
live a rich and rewarding life.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to get these
vegetables home
and into a hearty winter soup.
Oh, hi, guys.
Hey, Doc, you're always free.
My cousin's in town.
Why don't you help
me show her the city?
Did Roz put you up to this?
I had nothing to do
with it. I swear to God.
Well, I'm sorry, Kenny,
but I am booked
all this weekend.
Oh, here's luck.
I found a perfectly good
thimble in this pocket.
See you later.
Thanks anyway.
Hey, I tried.
NILES: Reservation for Crane.
For four, sir?
No, sorry, for five.
We added one.
All we have is a table for four.
We can all squeeze.
This one's always on my lap
after the second drink anyway.
Very well, madam.
Get the chair.
You know, there's really no
need to go to all this trouble.
I have a perfectly good
winter soup back home.
Don't be silly. Oh, no.
All right, um...
Well, um...
Oh!
I'm sorry. Do you
have anything higher?
Sorry, sir. I will
look for a cushion.
So, Fras,
tell everybody about that new
antique you picked up today.
Well, it's a late
Regency fruitwood mirror.
Very valuable if it has the
original glass, which mine does.
No. What are the odds?
Boy, if you like mirrors
you should see the one
Ronee's got in her dressing room.
It's got lights all
around the edges,
and it has three settings.
Yeah. Daytime,
nighttime, and yikes.
( laughing)
Oh, yes, excuse me.
If I could get a place
setting, that would be lovely.
What's Inizio Due Cuore?
That's our appetizer
sampler for two.
A bruschetta for you,
a bruschetta for
your love and so on.
Is it possible to
make that for one?
One?
Yes, a bruschetta for me,
no bruschetta for
my love and so on.
I'm sorry. It's due or no.
NILES: That's fine.
We'll get two orders
and we'll just all share.
Very good.
Mm, looks delicious.
This is fun, you know.
This is the first time
Marty and I have been
out with another couple.
And... Frasier.
It's fun being out
with Frasier, too.
( all agreeing)
We love being out with
Frasier, don't we, Niles.
All right, listen, all of
you, just knock it off.
Welcome, everyone.
42 years ago tonight,
I married my beautiful Theresa.
And now, we hope
that all you loving
couples out there
will help us celebrate
our happiness
by joining us in a dance.
The fish...
Oh, just go dance.
Hello...
Mr. Bottomsley.
Dinner was an
absolute nightmare.
Fortunately, I was able
to slip out of there early
and pick you up a little treat.
( chuckles)
Fresh tuna.
You're welcome.
( over answering machine):
Frasier, this is Roz.
Write down this number.
555-0179.
Don't get mad, but
that's Ann's number.
I talked to her and
she really thought
you were cute and sweet and...
Honestly, why does
everyone assume
that I need some
companionship in my life?
Has the world gone
mad, Mr. Bottomsley?
What shall we two bachelors
do this evening, Mr. B?
Perhaps a crossword puzzle?
Maybe watch a little telly?
Oh, I know...
How about a nice hot bath?
( chuckles)
I'm just teasing.
Now, I know that you're
used to eating canned tuna,
so this will taste different,
but if you're like me,
I think you'll agree
it's much better.
If only there were
a treat here for me.
( gasps)
What's this?
A delicious
nine-vegetable winter soup.
Oh...
( sniffs)
Yes, Mr. B, I think
you were right
about the bay leaves.
( with British accent): Oh, Mr. Bottomsley,
lovely to see you again, sir.
Your customary
table, I presume, hmm?
Splendid.
Here you go.
( sighs)
Come on, buddy.
Well, isn't this civilized?
Beat it, Eddie.
There's none for you.
Do you feel a draft, Mr. B?
I'm just a little bit cold.
There we are.
That's better.
Ooh, that's still
a little too hot.
You know what? While
we're letting that cool,
why don't we find a
home for our antique.
There we are. Yes.
You know, you don't find
one of these very easily.
Especially in such
good condition.
Won't that covetous Niles be
mad when he sees it, hmm?
But he can't have it, can he?
No.
Yes, he can't have it,
can he?
No, no...
Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley.
( cat shrieks)
Get that number.
Mrs. Gablyczyck...
these new shirts,
did Mrs. Crane ask
you to buy them for me?
Because I already have
shirts just like these.
No, no, after I wash, I pin them
and wrap in plastic.
You not like?
No, no...
( voice breaking):
I like very much.
Thank you, mister.
( doorbell ringing)
Oh...
No, I'll get it.
Hey, Dad, come on in. Hi.
Daphne will be right
down and we can go.
Where's Frasier?
On a date.
Get out!
About time, huh?
You know, it's like I
was saying to Eddie...
This guy's got to get a life.
DAPHNE: Niles, I left $60
on the desk yesterday
and now it's gone.
Is that proof enough for you?
Are you sure you
didn't misplace it?
You know I didn't.
What's going on?
Ever since we hired
Mrs. Gablyczyck
things have been disappearing...
Liquor, money, linens.
So she's stealing from you.
Yes. We don't know that.
And frankly, it's
hard to believe
that someone who'll
go out in a rainstorm
to clean pigeon muck
from the solarium skylight
is capable of theft.
We can't put up with stealing
just because she's
good at what she does.
First of all, she's not
good at what she does.
She's brilliant.
She's an artist.
Tell you what... you give
me five minutes with her.
If she's hiding anything,
I'll get it out of her.
Dad, we are not going to coerce
a confession out of this woman
based on
circumstantial evidence.
( bell dings)
Oven is clean.
Now I scrub down dishwasher.
Oh, Mrs. Gablyczyck, you
dropped some... money.
Thank you, mister.
All right, Dad, you've
got five minutes.
FRASIER: We'd like your
famous appetizer for two, please.
I'll let your waiter know.
Thank you very much.
So, Ann...
tell me everything.
Who is Ann Hodges?
Wow. Well, I'm an
insurance claims adjuster.
That's what's so funny.
When we met, you
thought I was in sales,
but I'm not.
Oh.
I'm in claims.
Well, you know, we don't
have to have just shop talk.
What are your dreams?
Oh, my God.
Well, my dream is to be
a senior claims adjuster.
It's sort of the same,
but you get a private cube
and your own extension.
I would've got it last year,
but I paid a big claim
the company didn't like.
I knew I goofed
the second I did it.
It was just one of those
"Shoot!" moments, you know,
when you just say "Shoot!"
Do you ever do that,
make a big mistake and
want to go back in time
and just do something different?
Oh, yes.
Well, I'm going to
run to the ladies' room.
I just had to have
that Dr. Pepper
while I was getting dressed.
Good evening, sir. Ah.
Would you care for something
to drink? Yes, as a matter of fact,
I would... I'd like,
uh, your finest bottle
of Barolo, please.
Why don't you come
back in a minute
and see what the lady likes.
Doc? Hm?
Hey, small world! Oh, Kenny, hi.
This is my cousin I
was telling you about.
This is Dr. Crane. Oh.
Hello. Dr. Crane,
I heard your show
today... it was great.
( chuckles): Well...
Is this your, uh,
first time in Seattle?
Yes, it is... I'm a
fine arts dealer,
but I'm considering a curator
position at the Seattle Art Museum.
That's impressive.
KENNY: Oh, that's nothing.
She teaches kids ballet,
and she rock climbs,
she plays the harp.
Oh, what am I doing? I
haven't introduced you.
Dr. Frasier Crane,
Liz Wright.
It's lovely to meet
you... Miss Wright.
( chuckles)
Well, it's too bad
you're not free tonight.
You could've joined us.
Well, how about tomorrow night?
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm on a
plane tonight to Amsterdam.
I have a job offer
there as well.
I'm doing my best to
convince her to pick Seattle,
but it's tough when you're
up against the Dutch.
Ah.
I could've really used
your help there, Doc.
Yes, well, you know, I'm
just about finished up here.
You know, we wouldn't
want to interrupt your date.
Oh, it's not a
date. It's not a date.
It's just a little
business thing.
I'll tell you what, I'll
just wrap things up here,
and then I'll come and help
you wage the battle for Seattle.
( laughs): Okay.
That's great.
We'll see you soon.
Man, oh, man, that
place was a madhouse.
I got so tired of waiting,
I just decided to hold it.
I'm so glad you picked Italian.
I love macaroni.
Ah.
That's another thing we
have in common, I guess.
( chuckles): Well...
Uh, you know, Ann,
uh, first dates are funny.
Uh, sometimes it takes a
while for two people to click.
Sometimes you know
right away, and, uh,
I think when you do,
you should just feel free...
You are so cute. Click.
( laughing)
What?
Click, click...
The sound of us clicking.
Ann, um...
You don't know
what a relief this is.
I've only had one
date since my divorce.
Well, half a date.
The jerk actually called it
off in the middle of dinner.
I was a wreck.
I didn't get out
of bed for a week.
Or shave my legs.
Your appetizers. Oh.
Gosh, this is a feast.
I'm not sure we'll need
to order a main course.
Well, this ain't
gonna do it for me.
I'm starvin' like Marvin.
Mrs. Gablyczyck,
we're friends here.
No one wants to send you
to jail or back to your country.
We just need you to admit
that you took the money.
I no take nothing.
Do you want to go to jail?!
Do you want to go
back to your country?!
Well, I was hoping it
wouldn't come to this,
but I'm afraid we're going
to have to show her the tape.
What tape?
It's from the
surveillance camera.
It shows you stealing.
( whispers): You have a camera?
DAPHNE: You
might as well confess.
I've got the evidence.
I want to see tape.
All right.
I'll give you one last chance
to tell the truth,
Mrs. Gablyczyck,
because if we watch this tape,
we'll have no choice
but to call the police.
I see tape.
All right.
I'm putting the tape in.
Here I go.
I'm pressing play.
Now I'm switching the
input from cable to video.
Niles, get ready
to call the police.
( people singing on tape):
♪ ...birthday, dear Dad... ♪
Hey, that's me!
Yes,
I used an old tape
of your birthday party,
but the surveillance
part's coming up.
Last chance, Mrs. Gablyczyck.
It's coming up...
Okay, I have to step in here...
All right, all right!
I stole.
You did?
I didn't think you know.
I bring it back.
( sighs)
Well done, Daphne.
Oh, but I'm so disappointed.
I was really hoping
you were wrong.
Hey, hey, did you see that?
Watch this again.
What?
You must have put
the camera down
when we went into the
kitchen for ice cream.
Watch Daphne's mother.
My mother? She stayed
behind to grab her sweater.
And our candlesticks.
And our 20-year-old scotch.
This is plate I brought home.
I take Mrs. Crane's
leftover meat pie.
But I brought plate back.
Mrs. Gablyczyck...
we're so sorry.
We've made a terrible mistake.
We know now you
didn't steal anything.
Can you ever forgive us?
Of course, mister.
You're nice man.
And you're nice lady.
Are you sure that's all the
little bunny wants to eat,
just a little green salad?
The bunny had a
big Mexican lunch.
You know, if
you're feeling full,
then I'm sure they could
wrap up the rest of that for you.
Oh, no, I'm just
trying to pace myself
so I'll have room for dessert.
I hear the soufflé here
is well worth the wait.
Excuse me. I'd better get that.
That didn't even ring.
Yes, it did. Hello? Oh.
Niles?
Is there something wrong?
Oh, dear God, well,
you-you just stay
there on the floor.
I'll be right there.
I'm so sorry. Uh...
Is everything all right?
Well, uh, actually,
it's my brother.
He's thrown out his back again.
Oh, God, right in the middle
of our magical evening, too.
Check, please. Thank you.
Uh, you know...
I guess I'm just going to
have to put you in a cab.
I'm so sorry... I was having
such a lovely evening.
Well, maybe we could meet
for coffee tomorrow. Yes,
um, all right, all right.
Ah, thank you very much.
Uh, yes, here,
yeah, that's fine.
You just keep the
change. Uh, thank you.
Uh, shall we?
You know, I'm just
going to call a cab later.
There's no sense all
this food going to waste.
You know what? I-I can't leave.
I can't. It would be rude.
Oh, don't be silly. Go. No, no.
It's... it's not like he's
going anywhere anyway.
( chuckling)
Okay. Well, uh, are you
sure you're not hungry?
You're welcome
to try some of mine.
Well, now that you mention it,
uh, I guess I
would like to try it.
Yes, thank you.
Well, help yourself. Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, where were we?
Oh, that's right. My husband.
Anyway, he says
he doesn't love me.
He's bored, blah,
blah, he's suffocating.
If only, I say.
I would have gotten
a nice little settlement.
I mean, we were
covered up the yin-yang.
He had a sweet whole-life policy
that paid double
for accidental death.
I borrowed against
it to get my Hyundai.
Hey!
Who's the ravioli monster?
Roar.
You're worried about
your brother, aren't you?
Mm. Maybe we should just go.
All right.
Once again, I've had
such a lovely evening.
( Ann laughs)
I hope I didn't
talk your ear off.
I can still hear you, so no.
( chuckles)
Gosh, you know, uh...
I'm parked out back, so I'll
just slip out through the kitchen.
I'm sure the valet
can flag you a cab.
Oh.
Okay. Well... here we are...
The awkward part.
Oh, it's not awkward at all.
I'd be delighted
to pay for your cab.
Here we are. Bye-bye.
( chuckling): I... I
hope I'm not too late.
You know, I think I talked her
into taking that Seattle job.
Oh, well,
let me be the first to offer
my congratulations...
to Seattle.
Thank you.
And please let me
offer my services
as, uh... cultural attaché.
Well, I would love that.
I think this calls for a toast.
May I see your list of
champagnes, please?
Ann.
I thought you left our date
to go take care of your brother.
Date? I-I thought you said
you were just wrapping
up a business meeting.
Is that why you
ate all my raviolis?
Because you were just
trying to get rid of me?
No, no, of-of course not.
Listen, there's a perfectly
logical explanation
for all this, which is...
I'm sorry. I've-I've
got to take that.
Hello?
That didn't ring.
It's very soft.
FRASIER: Oh, gosh, Dad,
that sounds serious.
You stay put.
I'll be right there.
( phone rings) Ow! That's loud!
Oh, Doc, what are you doing?
This is exactly
like my other date!
Kenny, I think I'd like to get to
the airport a little early tonight.
But, Miss Wright...
I'll meet you out front.
Excuse me.
But, Liz...
This one hurts, Doc. I
had a soufflé coming.
I'm sorry, Ann.
I'm sorry, too.
Sorry for thinking
you were different
than all the other
jerks out there.
But you're not.
You're just another
selfish, dishonest creep.
You're right. I don't
know what to say.
Well, maybe you can
come up with something
before we have coffee tomorrow.
Are you seriously
suggesting that...
What?!
See you at 10:00?
Okay.
( Theme Song Plays)