Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 4 - The Babysitter - full transcript

Oh, now look at that couch.

Now this is something you
could consider for your new office,

although I'm not
sure how well...

What is that... sort of
linen is going to wear...

Oh, you know what
I'm going to wear

to the opera fund-raiser
on Friday night...

or is it Saturday?
I'll check my book.

A lovely linen shirt
with my new Zegna suit.

That's a funny word, "Zegna."

The "g" is silent.

Silent "g" like lasagna.



Niles? Yes?

Do you notice that?

You've been
awfully chatty lately.

No, but Daphne mentioned
it to me this morning.

Ooh, what about this one?

Frasier, you really
must make a decision.

We've been to
six stores already.

Oh, and that reminds me.

I must cancel our
squash game tomorrow...

Don't you hear that?

Yes, now that you
mention it, I do.

It's sort of like a
nervous tic of some kind.

I wonder what
could be causing it.

Well, let's see... you do
have a baby on the way.



Perhaps your incessant jabbering

is just a way of
distracting yourself

from this life-changing event.

How could I have missed
something so obvious?

Well, it's not so
hard to believe.

You were 15 before you
realized there was a correlation

between getting
beaten up every day

and going to school
in a Panama hat.

( whispering): Niles! Mm-hmm.

Does that woman
look familiar to you?

No, but you know what does?

This couch... we're
back where we started.

Will you pick something?

Oh, my God.

That's Ronee Lawrence.

Who?

She used to baby-sit for us.

Oh, my God. I-I
had a crush on her.

She's the first girl to
ever break my heart.

I used to watch her
through the banister

making out with her
boyfriend... Chad.

Ronee Lawrence...

she's the fiend who told me

all those ghastly
bedtime stories

about tiny insects that
would crawl into my ears

and eat my brain.

Earwigs.

I-I wore a football
helmet to bed

for a month after that.

Yes, yes, I know.

You really had Dad's
hopes up there for a while.

Excuse me... are
you Ronee Lawrence?

Well, that's what it
says on my driver's...

Wait a sec.

Frasier?

Hello, Ronee. Oh,
my God, it is you!

Good to see you.

Niles and I were just...

Niles... oh, my God.

Little nervous Niles.

I can't believe it!

Well, it's all terribly true.

Wow, you look fantastic.

Oh, well, it's a lot of work.

Of course it is... You
know, exercise, dieting...

No, I've had a lot of work.

Every time anything
sags, drags or bags,

I get Dr. Goldman
right on top of it.

And then I call a
plastic surgeon.

Oh... that's funny.

Well, it's nice
running into you.

FRASIER: Oh, Niles,
we've got a moment, I think.

So what have you been up to?

Oh, I sing and play the piano

at the Wellington Hotel.

Oh, great, great.

Of course I know what you do,

Mr. Big-Time Radio Shrink.

Well, actually, I'm getting
back into private practice as well.

In fact, we're here today,

picking out a couch
for my new office.

I saw you checking
out the Barcaloungers.

You... buying a chair
for your husband?

Only if it's wired
for electricity.

We're divorced.

Oh... oh, well...

You know, you must
come by the house

to do a proper catch-up.

I know my Dad would
love to see you again.

RONEE: Actually,
I'm free tonight.

Well, then how about
cocktails around 7:00?

I'm at the Elliot Bay Towers
on the Counterbalance.

Great. It'll be
just like old times,

except you get to stay up late.

Hey, Niles, do you remember

when I used to tell you
those scary bedtime stories?

No, not really.

Yeah, you thought
there were earwig eggs

on all the furniture

and you started taking
one of those hankies out

and wiping off all the chairs
before you'd sit in them

because you were afraid
that whoo-whoo-whoo.

Nothing still. I'm sorry.

I'm glad.

For a while there, I was afraid

that maybe I'd scarred
you for life. Bloop.

Well, I gotta run. I'll
see you guys tonight.

All right. Bye.

( laughing)

Okay, go ahead, Niles.

Oh, she put her
fingers in my ears...

I understand.

Yeah, give it a
good wipe. That's it.

So, Frasier, did
you find a couch?

No. I must have
tested 100 for him.

You know, have
some sympathy, Niles.

Obviously my foot-dragging
is a kind of avoidance.

After all, I haven't been in
private practice for 12 years.

Maybe I don't have
the skills anymore.

Don't worry.

Your patients will never notice.

Well, if he doesn't
pick a couch soon,

his patients will be
lying on the floor.

What is this? Oh, it's
olive tapenade, mmm...

You're going to an
awful lot of trouble

for a "drop by sometime"
kind of evening.

Here, Daphne, try
this one... Oh, try one...

Oh-oh-oh, spring rolls.

Oh, we found the best
Chinese restaurant...

Niles! Sorry, darling.

Still got the gift
of gab, I see.

I really don't know why you
insisted we be here tonight.

I just didn't want
Ronee to think

I was coming on too strong.

I was hoping this reunion
might start a countdown

toward a future lift-off
from Cape Crane-averal.

If you tortured that
metaphor any more,

you'd be before a
tribunal in The Hague.

FRASIER: Oh, Dad, hey.

Hey, guys.

Wow, what's with
the fancy spread?

Niles and I ran into
Ronee Lawrence today

and she's coming
over for cocktails.

You remember...
Our old baby-sitter.

Oh, yeah, I remember Ronee.

Pretty little thing, yeah.

How's she looking these days?

Had her eyes pulled so tight,

she could land a role
in Flower Drum Song.

She happens to look fabulous.

( doorbell rings)

Which you will
soon see for yourself.

She's playing piano
down at the Wellington.

Ronee, hi. Come on in.

Good to see you.

Meet my sister-in-law, Daphne.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

FRASIER: Remember my Dad?

Oh, I sure do. How
are you, Mr. Crane?

It's Marty and I'm just great.

Gee, you haven't changed a bit.

Oh, yes, I have. I
can legally drink now.

Hint, hint.

Oh, right. Would you
like a glass of wine?

Yes, thank you.

Dad, why don't you
get yourself a beer?

So, Ronee, what have you
been doing all these years?

RONEE: Singing, mostly.

I play at the Rendezvous Room

down at the Wellington Hotel.

Is that that place
that revolves?

It used to. It broke
two years ago.

( laughing): That's terrific.

RONEE: Yeah, I had a
couple of shots at the big time:

You know, sang in
some swanky rooms.

I even made an album:
"Ronee Lawrence:

Mood Swings."

It sold about seven copies

and that's when Ronee Lawrence
had herself a real mood swing.

Well, I'm sure the
album was just wonderful.

You know, maybe
I could interest you

in a duet a little later?

Oh, that'd be fun.

Wouldn't it, though?

I have a feeling that our
musical styles just might harmo...

MARTIN: So, Ronee, I'll bet

you really wow 'em
at the Rendezvous.

Well, you know it's not
exactly Carnegie Hall.

Most of them are half in the bag

and just trying not
to spill their drinks.

And I'm just talking about
the cocktail waitresses.

This girl's a riot!

Dad, could you help me

with something in the kitchen?

Now? Right now.

Hey, don't be too long, you two.

Mama likes an audience.

Good, 'cause
Daddy likes to watch.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

I was working my magic on her.

Why are you so upset?

Because I'm working
a little magic of my own

and your magic is
mucking up my magic.

I thought you brought
her here for me.

Since when do I
"bring" you women?

What are you, the
Sultan of Brunei?

( cell phone rings)

Hello?

What?

Oh, you're kidding.

Yeah... yeah, okay, I guess.

I'll see you in a bit.
Something wrong?

Oh, I have to go into work.

I can't believe it.

The guy who fills in on
my night off called in sick.

Oh, no. Sorry.

Promise me we'll do this again.

Oh, you know we
will. Count on that.

Couldn't keep us away.

Frasier, you owe me a duet.

It was great to see you, Marty.

You should all come
down to the club sometime.

You can count on that, too.

We'll be there with bells on.

Bye.

Bye-bye. See you later.

I can't believe the way
you are humiliating yourself,

a man your age.

Hey, she was flirting with me.

She was flirting with me.

You just got caught
in the crossfire.

Daphne, which one of
us was she attracted to?

How stupid do you think I am?

Does it say "stupid"
on me forehead?

Fine. If you insist on
humiliating yourself, how's this:

I'll invite Ronee over
for dinner this weekend

and she can choose for herself.

Agreed? Fine.

Make sure she brings a friend
so there's someone for you.

I'm going to McGinty's.

You don't suppose
he's sneaking down

to the Rendezvous, do you?

No. Only a scoundrel

would violate a gentleman's
agreement that way.

Quite right.

Dad is nothing if not
an honorable man.

I don't know what
I was thinking.

Can we give you
a lift down there?

No, I want to freshen up first.

See yourselves out.

♪ Don't change a hair for me ♪

You've only got the two.

♪ Not if you care for me... ♪

It's a good thing
you've got money.

♪ Stay, little
Valentine, stay... ♪

Like you've got
anywhere else to be.

♪ Each day is Valentine's Day. ♪

( applause)

I'm going to
take a little break.

Try not to kill yourselves
from disappointment, hmm?

Hey! Frasier, what
a nice surprise.

I guess I just didn't want our
little reunion to end so abruptly.

Well, you're not the only one.

I had a feeling
you might say that.

There you go, Ronee.

Thanks. Hey, Fras.

Dad! Yeah, Marty didn't
want to call it a night, either.

He's quite the party guy.

Walter, you're alive!

You said you were
going to McGinty's.

How long have you been here?

45 minutes... you
shouldn't have spent

so much time on
your hair, Louise.

So, boys, who needs a drink?

Yeah, I'll have another beer.

You know, Dad, you really
ought to slow down there.

You know, at his age,
one slip and it's the ICU,

and then it's "I see you later."

Well, I wouldn't
worry about me, Fras.

I don't feel any
older now than I did

when you were parading
around in your mother's heels.

( chuckling): Oh, well...

'Course, that was
just last Christmas.

Listen, I've got
to do another set.

Are you going to stick around?

Oh, you bet we are. Yeah, sure,
wouldn't miss it. Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Ronee got me a ringside
table right next to her.

And that's because I want you

and your pockets
right near my tip jar.

Oh, you're after my money, huh?

Say, Ronee, it's
such a beautiful piano.

It's a shame we didn't get
a chance to do our duet.

Well, let's do it now. Really?

Sure. You don't mind
scrunching, do you?

My bench is a little small.

I don't mind scrunching at all.

RONEE: Hey,
listen, is it just me

or am I getting some
signals here tonight?

Oh, it is most
definitely not just you.

Hi, drinkers. I'm back.

And no, no, you're not
seeing double, for once...

I have a guest with me tonight.

Believe it or not, I
used to baby-sit this guy.

I know. I know. How
does she stay so young?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Dr. Goldman!

Aren't they adorable?

Please welcome
Dr. Frasier Crane.

You know this one?

Oh, I love this song.

Oh, me, too.

You know, and I'd like to
sing it to someone special

who's here tonight, but, well,

I'm afraid it might
embarrass him.

Oh, I'm sure your special
someone would just love to hear it.

Really?

Okay, then, here goes.

( plays intro)

♪ I get no kick from champagne ♪

♪ Mere alcohol
doesn't thrill me at all ♪

♪ So tell me, then ♪

♪ Why should it be true ♪

♪ That I get a kick ♪

♪ Out of you ♪

( Frasier misplays chords)

( resumes playing harmoniously)
♪ I think you're cute ♪

♪ Marty Crane ♪

( playing increasingly loudly) ♪ I
think that if your poor hip wasn't stiff ♪

♪ You could dance
just terrifically, too ♪

♪ And I get a kick out of you. ♪

( plays final chords loudly)

( woman over TV) I'd like a "T."

I'd like to buy a vowel.

Frasier? Do you realize
the door is wide open?

Yeah.

Pizza guy forgot to
close it when he left.

What are you doing here?

Don't you remember?

We had plans to watch
Don Giovanni on PBS.

I'm kind of into Wheel
of Fortune right now.

Wow, you look awfully dapper.

Yeah, I'm meeting a friend.

Dad, you don't
have to be so coy.

I know where you're going.

I'm having dinner with Ronee.

So things are going
well? Oh, yeah.

Great, great.

Turns out she had a crush on me

back in the days she
used to sit with you boys.

Well, I better scoot.

See you, boys.

NILES: Bye, Dad.

Ooh, are those profiteroles?

Sorry. Did you want one?

No, but thanks for offering.

Frasier, what's
going on with you?

You're showing classic
signs of depression.

That's because I'm
depressed, you nit.

But why?

Ronee and you aren't compatible.

You have few
interests in common.

She's as coarse as sandpaper...

I know. I know there was
no future for me and Ronee.

It's just...

I'm depressed, Niles.

I... I...

I don't know why.

Wait a minute.

Yeah?

Wait a minute.

I think I can make a
really great sandwich

out of all of my
leftover chutneys.

Frasier, you have
got to snap out of this.

You start seeing patients soon.

You realize you're only
using food to fill a void...

Oh! I forgot to void that
check to the dry cleaner.

I got my camel coat home.

It had a spot the
size of a Krugerrand.

I know for a fact it
was not there when...

Niles.

Sorry.

What are you doing
with Dad's Velveeta?

What do you think I'm doing
with it? I'm going to eat it.

Okay, Frasier, this
isn't funny anymore.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

It's Viagra.

They give that
away with Velveeta?

No.

It's a prescription
for Martin Crane.

Why do you suppose
he would put it in here?

Hiding it, I assume.

What better place than a box

that Pandora herself
would be loath to open.

( door opening)

It's Dad!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

( both sputtering)

Put it away!

Right, right.

( muffled yell)

Dad, what are you
doing back so soon?

I forgot something.

My, um... brella.

Well, you're certainly not
going to find it in the kitchen.

No, I guess not.

Oh, I just remembered...

Ronee wanted me to
get her an appetizer.

What looks good?

Oh, Velvetta. That
goes with anything.

All right, well...

You boys have got your
opera that you want to watch,

so I'll just get
out of your way.

See you later.

Now what?

Okay, okay...

We've got time to think.

It's going to take him a while
to discover that the pills...

All right, where is it?

Frasier took them.

Dad...

This is pretty
funny to you, huh?

No, sir. Then what is it?

You're still so
sore about Ronee,

you're trying to mess
things up for me?

No, Dad, I found
them by accident.

I tried to put them back.

I didn't mean to embarrass you.

Here.

Oh, forget it.

I'm just going to
cancel with Ronee.

Dad...

No, the whole
night's ruined anyway.

But the important thing is
you boys had your little laugh.

Well, I'm glad
someone enjoyed it,

because I'm starting to think

that it's just too much trouble.

I'm just going to break it off.

Why would you do that, Dad?

I mean, you're not going
to let what happened tonight

end things with Ronee, are you?

Is there something
else going on here?

Well, I don't know. I...

Ronee and I have been getting
kind of close this week, and...

last night we started
fooling around

and it was great.

I mean, I was
rounding the bases.

The coach was waving me in.

There wasn't even going
to be a play at the plate...

Dad, it's us.

Oh, right.

Well, anyway, that's when
something happened...

or didn't happen...

which has never not
happened before. So...

I decided today to
go out to get some...

cheese.

I just couldn't stop picturing
her the way she looked

when she was a teenager.

It was creepy.

And even with...

cheese,

I don't think I'd ever feel
good about being with her.

Dad, when she was
baby-sitting for us,

did you ever notice her?

Yeah, she was
a very pretty girl.

And did Mom ever
notice you noticing.

Oh, yeah.

Even had a fight once about it.

Well, there you are.

You're still feeling
guilt and shame

for being attracted to
her all those years ago.

But she's an adult now,

and you really
should allow yourself

to explore these feelings.

Very good, Frasier.

Thank you, Niles.

You know...

perhaps my depression
over losing Ronee

was actually rooted in my feelings
for her from long ago as well.

After all, she's the first
woman to reject me,

though she never knew it.

I...

Perhaps by pursuing her again,

I was hoping to undo
that first rejection,

thereby erasing all the
subsequent rejections in my life

and giving myself a much
needed shot of self-esteem.

Did you hear that?!

My analytical
skills are on fire!

Your own-horn-tooting skills
haven't abandoned you either.

So much for worrying about
whether I'm ready to get back

into private practice.

The answer is a resounding yes.

Well, you better be sure

because it's a completely
different animal, and...

I just remembered the
zoo's having a fund-raiser.

I signed you up for $200.
That's the safari level...

You know who has malaria?

FRASIER: Niles! Missus...

Do you realize that
your babbling kicks in

whenever I mention my
return to private practice?

Perhaps this condition

of yours has less
to do with baby jitters

and more to do with
my entering your domain.

My God!

If I get any hotter,

I'm going to set
off the sprinklers!

Oh, get over yourself!
Why shouldn't I be anxious?

Can't I ever have one
thing that's just mine?

Niles... It's like when I discovered
backgammon or fencing...

Niles! Relax.

It's okay.

You are an
excellent psychiatrist.

I couldn't eclipse
you if I tried.

Thanks.

You're sure?

Yes.

Splendid.

And, Dad,

you should go down
and see Ronee.

She must like
you an awful lot...

considering who she passed up.

I don't know. I know
it sounds crazy,

but I just keep seeing
her in that ponytail

and that parochial
school uniform.

Ronee didn't go
to parochial school.

She didn't?

No, that was our other
baby-sitter... Sally.

Oh, right. Sally the slut.

I liked her.

You mean all this
time I've been thinking

she was someone else?

See ya.

Dad, don't you want your cheese?

No, thanks, boys,

but I'm working without a net.

( Theme Song Plays)