Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 3 - The Doctor Is Out - full transcript

Oh, hello, Dad. Hi, Niles.

May I get my usual, please?

Niles, we're playing
squash in 20 minutes.

Where are your togs?

Oh, yes, I had to hide
them in my briefcase.

I told Daphne I was
seeing patients all day.

It was the only
way I could get out

of driving her to
this flower show.

It's two hours there and back.

I see; well, we could
have rescheduled.

Did you really have to lie?



Did I mention we'd be
joined by Daphne's mother,

who's suffering from
some female complaint

and can't get it
through her head

that I'm not a gynecologist?

Ah. Well, then, you
had to save yourself.

So, please, don't tell anyone
we're playing squash today.

I can't have it getting
back to Daphne.

Right. Hey, guys.

I'm so glad you're here.

You can meet my new boyfriend.

He's the hottest
guy I've dated since...

Frasier.

Okay, the hottest guy

( cracking up): since Frasier.



That's Alistair Burke.

I know!

Who's Alistair Burke?

He is only the head of
the Seattle Opera Guild

and one of the finest
directors in the world.

His productions are brilliant.

He staged a Philip
Glass opera last year,

and no one left.

Alistair, uh, it's,
it's Frasier Crane.

Uh, we met last year
at the fund-raiser.

Of course.

You're on the radio.

Yes, yes.

And you're... don't tell me.

All right, tell me.

Niles Crane.

Yes, we've both got
tickets to your premiere,

and, oh, we can't wait to see

what magic you'll
work with La Boheme.

Well, I would be content

if my Mimi would just
lay off the cheeseburgers.

I sat her down
yesterday and I said,

"You're dying of
consumption, dear,

not overconsumption."

( both guffawing)

FRASIER: Oh, that's hilarious!

It's funny because it's bitchy.

How well you're looking.

Oh, thank you.

I like your suit.

Well, you're too kind.

And it's nice to see you again.

Bye-bye.

Take care.

Wow, that was thorough.

Find any polyps up there?

We were merely
paying due respect

to one of the giants
of the opera world.

Hey! Barry, hi.

This is Frasier and Niles...

and Martin.

Hi. Hi.

Whoa, strong handshake.

You look like
you work out a lot.

He practically lives at the gym.

Well, it's my church.

Oh, this blouse
looks amazing on you.

Yes, it's very chic, Roz.

Well, Barry picked it out.

He's the women's
wear buyer at Bidwells.

He spent a whole day last
week going through my closet

and throwing out all the
stuff I shouldn't wear anymore.

You should have seen what
she was still hanging on to.

Culottes.

Stop it.

Well...

one wonders what's
been in Barry's closet

a little too long.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on. He
didn't seem gay to you?

That guy's not gay.

You know how you can tell?

The muscles.

Good point, Dad.

Second tip-off: no poodle.

So, isn't he fabulous?

Yes, yes, uh, fabulous
sums it up in a word.

I think he's perfect
for you, Roz...

Good-looking, friendly
and not gay at all.

Who said he was gay?

Not me.

He's not gay.

All right, Roz, but you can see

how someone might
get that impression.

Why, because of his job?

Because he takes
care of himself?

That is just such
lazy, stereotypical...

You're right; it was a
shallow, knee-jerk assumption

and unworthy of us both

as psychiatrists
and men about town.

We better go. We're
going to miss the movie.

Right. Bye.

No biscotti for you?

Please. I'm a house.

( no audio)

Can't you walk any faster?

I'm moving as fast as I can

in these ridiculous
shorts of yours.

You wouldn't need them

if you hadn't burst
out of your own.

I did not burst out of them.

My laundress simply
overbleached them

till they had the tensile
strength of a cobweb.

If you're in such a hurry,

you should have
brought your own car.

Daphne needed it
for her flower show.

And remember... Yes, yes.

You were seeing patients.

We did not play squash.

Is that Roz's boyfriend?

Oh, you don't
suppose she told him

what we were saying about him?

No, I can't imagine
she would do that.

Let's just act natural.

Where did he go?

Odd. He was just here.

"Bad Billy's?"

What sort of place
do you think that is?

Well, let's see.

Tuesday is leather night,

so it's probably some
sort of shoe outlet.

It's a gay bar, you idiot.

Come on. Let's go.

What?! No!

I told Daphne

I was seeing
patients until 7:00.

If I'm late, she
might get suspicious.

Niles, Roz is my friend.

I'm not going to
let her get hurt

by some man who's
lying to her about himself.

I'll be just a minute.

Excuse me. Uh,
I'm looking for a guy.

Yeah, I kind of got
that from the shorts.

It's a particular guy.

He's about 35 years...

Frasier?

Eduardo!

My furniture polisher.

Don't tell me you put
away paste and chamois

for life as a barkeep.

I just do this on the side.

Oh, well, bet you're
surprised to see me in here.

Okay.

All right, look,

I thought I saw a friend
of mine come in here.

He's, uh, mid-30s, uh,
wavy hair, good build.

Yeah, I think he's
in the bathroom.

Oh. Oh.

( music blaring)

Can I get you a drink?

Sherry, please.

Oh, hi, Niles.

Hey, Barry.

Frasier. Barry's not here.

I just saw him. What?

Barry's not here. Let's go.

He's in the bathroom.

No, he's not.

Can we just go, please?

What did you say?

Daphne's expecting me.

Let's go.

Come again? Oh,
for God's sake...

( music stops)

I'm begging you,
please take me home!

You see, actually,
he and I are...

( music begins)

You can rationalize your actions

all you want to,
Kevin. The truth is,

you're just not being
honest, are you?

I guess I'm not.

But it's not like
you're so honest

about everything in your life.

I beg your pardon.

Well, you've never told
your audience you're gay.

Excuse me?

I saw you in a
gay bar last night.

Oh. Oh, I see.

( chuckling): Yes, in fact,

I did pop into Bad
Billy's yesterday.

You see, I thought

I had seen a gentleman I
wished to speak with go in there,

and I'd certainly never
been in that bar before.

Then how come you knew
the bartender by name?

And why were you wearing
those tight little shorts?

Well, they...

They were not my shorts.

You see, I'd been
playing squash,

and I borrowed them from my...

uh, from my friend
who is slim-hipped.

Yeah, kind of like that
nervous guy you picked up.

Look, I did not pick anybody up.

All right, I am going to put
an end to this discussion

because there is
nothing to discuss.

On my way home from the
gym, I popped into Bad Billy's

looking for a man I was
hoping was in the bathroom.

I had a quick sherry
with my French polisher,

and then I left.

As to how I got into
another man's shorts,

that is no one's business.

And we're off the air.

Oh, dear God.

That man you thought you
saw going into Bad Billy's...

That wouldn't be
Barry, would it?

All right, Roz.

I-I saw him on the
street, and I turned,

and the next thing I
knew, he was gone.

You know what Barry was doing

from 10:00 until
midnight last night?

Me, that's what!

He's not gay, whereas
you, Miss Marple,

you've just been outed.

Outed?

Frasier.

I am so sorry.

I thought that last
call was appalling.

Thank you, Gil.

You poor man.

How long you must have
dreaded this dark yet inevitable day.

I so wish you could have
been allowed to come out

in a time and manner
of your own choosing

instead of being
wrenched from your closet,

your voice cracking, your
cheeks crimson with shame.

Gil, I am not gay.

Oh, Frasier, you can't play coy

once you've been caught
traipsing around Bad Billy's

in shorts that left
little to the imagination.

They were not my shorts.

I simply borrowed them
because my own had split

when I bent over...

Oh, please!

We don't need to
know everything.

I just want to say
that your KACL family

will be here for you

as you take your
first brave steps

on that yellow brick road

to pride and self-
acceptance and...

Oh, shut up, you big queen!

I see kitty has claws.

Another latte to go, please.

And you can take it
out of there, thank you.

I-I didn't order these.

They're from those
guys over there.

Oh, Dad. You care for a coffee?

Nah. I can see
where you might think

I would, though.

A guy walks into a coffee bar,

he can't blame people
for thinking he likes coffee.

Yes, Dad.

Course, uh, if
he didn't like it,

he could make
that clear to people.

He might say, "I am
not a coffee drinker"

or "I have never

tried coffee even once."

Yes, all right, Dad.

"I am not even curious about..."

Yes, all right!

Thank you.

Frasier.

I see you caught my show.

Mm-hmm.

Go ahead. Let's hear it.

I'm not going to
tease you. I'm grateful.

You could have ratted
me out to Daphne,

but instead, you protected me...

just like a big sister should.

You know, I'm
glad this tickles you.

I shouldn't make fun.

You people have been
persecuted long enough as it is.

Are you done?

I'm done. I'll return those
shorts to you tomorrow.

No, keep them. You'll
want them for the parade.

I'm done. Now I'm done.

Frasier.

Oh, Alistair. So sorry to
hear about your ordeal today.

Oh, boy... You
heard my show then?

No, I heard the replay

on Kiki and Mel's
Drivetime Circus.

If it's any comfort,

I went through the
same thing myself once.

Really? Yes, I was a
guest on a call-in show,

and an angry
ex-boyfriend phoned in.

Everything came out:
names, dates, birthmarks.

Had quite a chat
with the wife that night.

Very frank.

Very expensive. Oh.

How awful for you.
Of course, in my case...

I know what might
rally your spirits.

I'm giving a small party

after the premiere of
my opera next week.

Are you free to come?

I'd be delighted.

Splendid.

Well, I must get to rehearsals.

Oh, how are things coming?

You can tag along,

see for yourself if you like.

FRASIER: I would love that.

Let me just grab my coffee.

Good-bye, Dad.

Niles.

Did you see that?

I would kill to
go to that party.

I was at that gay
bar too, you know.

Let's see...

One of my sons just
got picked up by a guy.

My other son is jealous.

Yep, life is good.

Dad, please clean up that
debris around your chair.

Alistair is coming by.

"Oh, Alistair."

That's all we've heard
around here all week.

Alistair this, Alistair that.

DAPHNE: You can't blame him

for being excited.

It's fun having a famous friend.

When I lived in England...

Do you know the
actor Peter O' Toole?

Sure.

I always thought it would
be fun to be friends with him.

( doorbell rings)

Now, that's him.

Everyone just act natural.

Frasier! Alistair!

ALISTAIR: You smell fantastic.

Oh, it must be my
new conditioner.

Sandalwood with
just a hint of...?

Cloves.

The man's amazing.

He has the musical
panache of Leonard Bernstein

and the nose of a
Tuscan truffle hog.

You turn my head, sir.

( laughing): Oh, well...
come and meet my father,

Martin Crane.

Well, how lovely
to meet you, Martin.

How are you?

Niles. Hello.

Love the tie.

Charvet.

And I'm Daphne, Niles' wife.

No.

We're expecting.

Can't say I was.

How lovely to meet you, Daphne.

Likewise.

Frasier, this
apartment is stunning.

Thank you. The view...

Breathtaking.

The art... perfect.

The chair... hilarious.

( phone rings) Damn. So sorry.

I have to take this call.

Hello?

Placido!

Placido Domingo?!

Yes.

I'm here with Frasier.

Yes, he's the one
I told you about.

Oh, stop.

Oh, oh, yes,
uh... in the kitchen

Well, you'll meet him next
month at the concert in Madrid.

Oops, now I've
spoiled the surprise.

He's taking me to Madrid!

You just met him last
week. What's going on?

He kissed you.

Well, he's a man of the theater.

He kisses everyone.

It's not like he's the first
gay friend I've ever had.

It's the first one who
thinks you're gay, too.

He does not think I'm gay.

He thinks I'm gay, and I'm
standing next to my pregnant wife.

Have you told
him you're straight?

I don't have to. I
mean, it's obvious.

We are just friends.
He is not courting me.

Is that a new watch?

So what if it is?

Jewelry. Ooh, he's a keeper.

Stop that!

My friendship with Alistair

is the best thing that's
happened to me in months.

I will not have you sully it

by making it out to
be something it's not.

Sorry, my angel.

Well, we'd best
get to that tailor.

Oh, yes, yes.

We're having new tuxes made

for Alistair's premiere
party this weekend.

To which you are all invited.

( gasps): Thank you.

Will Peter O'Toole be there?

No... and he knows why.

These are amazing.
Where did you get them?

I made them myself.

No...

Is there anything
this man can't do?

Time will tell.

Look at this crowd.

It's like a Who's Who

of the creme de la
creme of the upper crust!

Frasier. Alistair.

Your production was a triumph!

Wasn't it?

Smile.

Welcome, welcome. Thank you.

There are so many people here

I'm dying for you to meet,

but I have to make a
little announcement first.

Glinka, darling, come
and meet Frasier.

Frasier, finally.

Oh, Glinka, it's such
an honor to meet you.

I have all your recordings.

So, I hear that you and
Alistair are quite an item.

Oh, no, no, no, we're
just very good friends.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

Everyone,

could I have your
attention, please?

I have to announce that
our very own Nigel Fry

is retiring and
giving up his seat

on the Opera board...

( all sigh sadly)

but I am thrilled to
name as his successor

a tireless supporter
of opera in Seattle,

Dr. Frasier Crane.

Oh! Oh, my! Oh,
I never dreamed...

Oh, thank you, thank you!

Congratu... lations.

Stunning couple, aren't they?

I'm more stunned
by them each day.

Oh, Daph. Quite an honor.

Oh, my God! Isn't it thrilling?

Frasier, can we talk to
you for a moment? Yes.

Do you realize that
every person in this room

thinks that you're
Alistair's boyfriend?

Listen, I can't help it if
people think we're a couple.

The point is I'm
enjoying myself,

and if you're too jealous
to be happy for me,

then that's your problem.

Jealous?!

Yes, that's right.

All my life I have dreamed

of being half of a power couple,

and I finally am.

Is it perfect? No.

But it's fun, and I
don't want it to end.

Don't you worry at all

that Alistair might
be falling for you?

Oh, please. The man has
not even made a move on me,

and do you know why?

Because we are friends.

Famous, fabulous friends.

Oh, uh, Alistair.

Congratulations.

It was a stunning production.

Oh, thank you, Niles.

It must be awfully hard
work putting on an opera.

It is utterly draining.

In fact, when I'm in rehearsals,

I devote every
ounce of strength to it.

No exercising, no jogging.

I even abstain from sex.

Well, you can ask Frasier here.

My poor, dear, patient Frasier.

Care to dance?

I would love to.

Don't go far.

Well, looks like Nigel
won't be the only one

giving up his seat tonight.

I could scratch your eyes out

and not one person
here would find it strange.

I'm sorry.

Damn my fatal allure.

Alistair... when you're
finished with this dance...

Oh, no.

Be my guest.

Frasier, do you have any idea

how sexy you look in that tux?

Yes, I do.

Alistair...

I'm afraid I may have given you

the wrong impression
about myself.

You seem nervous. Don't be.

And I want to thank
you for waiting.

Oh, no, the waiting was
good. I enjoyed the waiting.

Oh, me too.

How it sharpens the appetite.

How it builds.

The intensity, the
heat, the desire.

Can you feel it?

Oh, yes, there it is.

Alistair, um...

Listen, I-I...

I'm afraid I have to
tell you something, uh...

I'm not gay.

Oh, Frasier,
please don't tell me

you're still struggling
with those issues.

Well, I-I like you so much,
and I love our friendship.

But I'm afraid I can never
really be more than friends.

Would three weeks on Capri

in Bertolucci's villa
change your mind?

It's worth a try.

No, no...

No.

It-it wouldn't. I'm sorry.

( sighs): Well, then...

I'm so sorry.

So am I.

Could I ask a
small favor of you?

Of course. Anything.

Would you mind staying tonight

until my other guests have gone?

I'd hate my friends
to think I'd been jilted.

Of course.

It won't be very late.

Around about 3:00 it's
down to the core crowd,

and we'll all relax and unwind.

It's after midnight, sir.

Shall I fire up the hot tub?

Absolutely.

I'm afraid I don't
have a bathing suit.

Then you'll fit right in.

( Theme Song Plays)