Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 2 - A Man, a Plan and a Gal: Julia - full transcript

It's official.

Dr. Lee says we're pregnant.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Hello in there.

It's your pater.

Oh, stop it.

So, how do you want to
make the announcement?

Uh... Well, Frasier's on
his way over. We could...

No.

He's a blabbermouth.

Let's have him and your
dad over for dinner tonight



and we can tell them
at the same time.

If you already had a plan,

why did you ask me
how I wanted to do it?

Well, because if you'd
have had the same idea,

then I could have
agreed with it,

which would have given
you the illusion of control.

The waiting room had Cosmo.

Oh.

All right.

I have just the quotation

for the beginning of
the announcement.

It's from Robert Burns.

"Beneath the shelter
of an aged tree;

"Th' expectant wee-things,
toddlin', stacher through



To meet their dad, wi'
filchterin' noise and glee."

Moving, eh?

Yes, but not just
because of the poem.

I'm late for a hair appointment.

Oh.

Hi, you two. Hello.

Hi, Daph. Good to see you.

Hello, Niles.

Hey.

Uh, my usual, please.

Well, I've ruined
another relationship.

I suppose you'll want to
hear the whole sorry tale.

No, thank you.

Last night, Julia came over

and, as usual, I
made a mess of things.

Did you say no?

I said, "No, thank you."

But I wish to unburden myself.

And I wish to remain
in my good mood.

Therefore, I demur.

You demur? I demur.

Besides, I'm sure
I've heard it all before.

But this time was
different... I really thought

BOTH: she could
have been the one.

Well.

Silly me.

To think that I could
count on my only brother

for a shoulder on which to lean.

What you need isn't a shoulder.

It's a swift boot

to break you out
of this pattern.

What pattern?

Your pattern of ruining things

before they've even begun.

And when have I done that?

Let me see.

Fay. Cassandra.

Chelsea, Claire,

Lana, Abby, Mia, Marie.

Oh, all right. I
knew I had a pattern.

I just didn't think you'd
remember the names.

The minute you develop
feelings for someone

you get scared and find
some way to sabotage things.

I'd like to strike
you, of course,

but you speak the truth.

I tell you what, I will never
find a happy relationship

un-unless I can break out
of this maddening cycle.

Well, all right, all right.

The next time you find
yourself doing it again...

Fixating, say, on some
tiny fault of the woman...

Recognize what that is,
you're feeling vulnerable,

but don't give in to the fear.

Commit to commitment.

Commit to commitment.

Yes.

It's a bit glib, but
nonetheless inspiring.

Thank you, Niles.

I'm going to call Julia

and I will not take
"no" for an answer.

I may have walked in here

the old fault-finding,
flaw-fleeing Flasier,

but I leave a man
committed to commitment.

You said "Flasier."

I did not. Yes, you did.

I most certainly did not.

No, I heard you say "Flasier."

I've been saying my own name

for the last 40-some odd years.

I know, but your tongue...

Oh.

Hi, Dad.

Before you say anything,

if you know the score
to the Mariners game,

don't tell me... I'm
taping it to watch later.

Dad, the odds of
my knowing the score

to the Mariners game
are about the same

as you knowing the
score to Pacific Overtures.

Did, uh, Julia call? No. Sorry.

Oh, damn.

Well, at least this little
delivery will cheer me up.

My new Frette hand
towels have arrived.

( gloating laughter)

Direct from Italy, I give
you the spugna con frangia

with the tulle lace insert, huh?

Sounds fancy.

Am I allowed to dry
my hands on them?

Well, you may miss
the luxurious feel

of your trouser fronts, but yes.

You know, if you're really
down about this Julia thing,

you can come with me
and Eddie to the circus.

We're really going to the V-E-T,

but if I say that, he
won't get in the car.

Thanks anyway, Dad.

I'll just see you at
Nile's and Daphne's

for dinner, all right?

Maybe I'll take in a movie.

Oh, what are you going
to go see? Well, there's

this new Russian film in
town about a Crimean war vet.

No, Eddie!

Would it have killed you to
say "Crimean War circus"?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I'm so sorry, Dad. I...

Oh, well...

Julia.

You got my message.

What message? I actually came

because I think I dropped
an earring here last night.

Oh. I'm... I'm sorry.
Please, come in.

So, what did it look like?

Oh, it was just a
small diamond stud.

Right. Okay, yeah,
you check there.

So, uh, what was this message?

Um... Oh, I just said that

I found you bright and, uh,

beautiful and engaging,

and then...

There was a sonnet.

"Fair love's ship ne'er
sailed o'er unstorm'd seas.

The fickle stars, her
compass, bright and cruel..."

It's pretty sappy stuff, huh?

No, it's sweet.

Especially the end.

So you did hear it.

Yes, but, Frasier...

I'm not looking for just
some office romance.

I don't see the point
in getting involved

unless it's heading somewhere.

That's exactly where
I am in my life, too.

After you walked out last night,

I realized how badly I want

to be in a real relationship,

how ready I am to...

well, for want of
a better phrase,

to commit to commitment.

You're not just saying this
to get in my pants, are you?

No.

And if I did...
get in your pants,

well... I'd want to
stay there forever.

I-I-I said that much more
elegantly in the sonnet.

You know, I just remembered

where I may have
lost my earring.

Really? Where? In your bedroom.

Do you care to help me look?

In my bed... Well, we were
never in my bedroom. I don't...

Oh.

I see.

Let's hope Frasier's oven
is more reliable than ours.

MARTIN: Well, it serves you
right for getting such a fancy one.

Oh, it's just temperamental.

My Gaggenau is
German-engineered.

It probably needs more power

than my building's
old wiring can give it.

Yeah, well, leave
it to the Germans...

Even their appliances
crave power.

So, when do you want to
make the big announcement?

I think a toast before dinner.

Let's hope Frasier checks
his messages after the movie,

or he'll be heading
over to our place.

Yes, well, I'm sure he will.

It's just as well

not to have him here
while we're cooking.

I can't stand his
backseat basting.

I was just dreaming about us.

We were in a boat,

floating down the Arno River.

Have you ever
been to fair Firenze?

Oh, it's maybe my favorite city.

Oh. Mine, too.

Oh, I knew we'd
be a good couple.

Have you ever gone
there for Christmas?

No. I've always wanted to.

Me, too.

Well, then, let's go.

Do you mean it?

It sounds perfect.

I'll tell you what.

Let's toast this decision
with a glass of Chianti.

Ooh, that sounds good.

Oh, shoot.

What?

I just remembered... I'm
supposed to have dinner

at my brother and his
wife's house tonight.

Uh... I'm just going
to call and cancel.

( phone ringing)

Hello.

Niles, it-it's Frasier. Listen,

I just got out of the movie,

and it was so
cold in the theater

that I-I think I've...

( with a hoarse voice):
I think I've come down

with a little something,
and, uh, I just... I just...

I'm afraid I'm begging
out of tonight, all right?

Oh, I hardly think

a little dinner will
make you worse.

And besides, we've
had a change of plans.

Niles, for God sakes,
I just want to go home

and get into bed.

But Daphne and I
have put a lot of effort

into making a very nice dinner.

I can't help it if I'm sick.

What if I catch pneumonia?

If that's what you
wear to the movies,

it's your own damn fault.

What the hell are
you doing here?

My oven's on the fritz.

We left you a message hours ago.

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.

Um, you remember
Julia, of course.

Well, if he didn't before,
he certainly will now.

Excuse me.

You lied to me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Would you have rather I told you

that I was in flagrante delicto?

No, no.

But you're still not
excused from dinner.

Julia and I will
delighted to attend.

We weren't planning
on including Julia.

Well, what do you want me to do,

give her 50 bucks
and tell her to beat it?

Oh.

Ten years?

I... If I still needed a
cane after that long,

I'd dump my physical therapist

and find one who
knows what they're doing.

Hello.

Well, actually, this is her.

She's also my daughter-in-law.

Daphne, this is Julia.

Sorry about that. I...

That's all right.

And just so you know,

he wouldn't need the cane
so much if he'd stretch more.

I would have thought
that part of your job

was making sure he stretched.

Yes, but...

I can't be here day and night.

Oh.

I'm sorry. For some reason
I thought you lived here.

Well, I don't.

How about some Mozart to
makes things festive, hmm?

( music plays)

Ah.

Well, I'm not sure
I'd call that festive.

Well, then, you'd be wrong,

as it is from the
Salzburg Music Festival.

How about something a
little more contemporary?

Well, all right. I
believe I have...

Oh, Michael's Nyman's
The Contemporary Trumpet.

What are you, a hundred?

All right.

Nothing then, my little wasp.

( laughs)

Oh, thank you, Niles.
Thank you very much.

There you go.

Oh, perfect. Thank you.

NILES: Oh, uh...

Here you go. There you are.

She took my... Just take it.

Just take it. She took my...

I don't care. Just take it.

She, uh...

shoots from the hip, this one.

( laughs): Yes.

You should hear what
she says about my show.

Oh, I just have to
remind Mr. Pompous here

that what we do on the
radio is entertainment.

Well... NILES: Yes, Frasier

and I have had many a
chat about the difference

between what he does
and genuine psychiatry.

Yeah, big difference.

I mean, at least
his advice is free,

not like those quacks

who charge people
200 bucks an hour

to whine about their childhoods.

I mean, what a racket that is.

Frasier, may I see
you in the kitchen?

Frasier. What are you
doing in the kitchen?

You just asked to see me.

Ah. So you haven't gone deaf.

Why would I have gone deaf?

Because that's the
only good reason

you sat there silently while
our profession was assaulted

like a drag queen
at a tractor pull.

Niles, don't be so sensitive.

That is one of the
qualities I admire most

about Julia... Her
bracing frankness.

Now, listen, listen. What?

It is partially because
of your advice

that I have chosen to
commit myself to this woman,

so please, at least
give her a chance.

You're right. If you're
happy, I'm happy.

Ah, thanks.

Help me serve.
Right. Right. Okay.

Dinner is served, everyone.

If you'd come and take a seat.

Here we are. Daph,
why don't you sit here.

Julia, have a seat there,
and I'll sit right next to you.

NILES: Thanks, Dad.

And before we begin,

I would like to share some
words of Robert Burns

which have recently become
quite meaningful to me.

"Beneath the shelter
of an aged tree..."

( cell phone ringing)
Whoops. That's me.

Hello?

Hey. What's up?

No, no, I can talk.

Well, what kind of crap is that?

Nail their asses to the wall.

Is that chicken?

No, partridge.

Yes, in a champagne
and orange sauce.

'Cause he's a pissy
little bitch, that's why.

I'm sorry. I don't eat birds.
They live in their own feces.

More for me.

I'll just get some cereal.

Well, let him sue.

I'm starting to think you've got

a little pair of panties
on under that suit.

You know, she really
does work too hard.

Back to what I was saying.

"Beneath the shelter
of an aged tree..."

JULIA: Okay,

I give up... Where do
you keep your cereal?

( chuckles): Please, Julia, sit.

We'll find you something.

Oh, are you sure?

"Beneath the
shelter of an aged..."

Niles.

Let's not do this
tonight... not with her here.

I want it to be perfect.

You're right. We'll just...
We'll just pick a better moment.

I'll still be pregnant tomorrow.

Exactly.

Well, congratulations, Niles.

Frasier didn't tell me that
Daphne was pregnant.

What?

She is?

Oh, no, don't tell me

she's just paunchy.

She's not paunchy.
She's pregnant!

Niles!

How could you do that?

JULIA: I'm sorry.

It's my fault. I heard
you in the kitchen.

I didn't realize
it was a big deal.

Well, what does it matter

how we came to know
this glorious news?

Niles! It's just wonderful!

Two words: C-section.

My sister's about your size,

and when she had her kid,
it blew out the whole region.

Can I have cereal, too?

So, the more pregnant she gets,

the more the husband hits on me.

And by the way, she was a model.

( phone rings)

Whoops.

That's me.

Hello? Hey, how you doing?

No, I'm just... meeting
my boyfriend's family.

Isn't this fun?

I'm having a good time.

It's fun, isn't it?

She certainly takes a
lot of calls at dinnertime.

You know, that's
exactly the kind of... flaw

that the old Frasier
would have...

seized upon as pretext
to end the relationship,

but I-I know now that...
that impulse to run

is-is really an indication
that my feelings for her

are just deepening, and, um...

Gone are the days

when I would have
said something like...

( exhales sharply)

"How rude."

Or "She's horrible.

I've made a ghastly,
ghastly mistake."

Hey, Marty, you're
a Mariners fan.

They won in the
tenth on a grand slam.

Who's ready to play

that game of Pictionary
we talked about?

I know I am.

( forced laughter)

Let me... just get that.

Dad, I'll tell you what.

I know how much
you like to keep time,

so you'll be the timer,

and then, it'll be me and Julia

versus Niles and
Daphne. How about that?

Oh, that sounds good to me.

FRASIER: Daphne, what
do you say you draw first?

Okay.

Mm-hmm. All right.

Oh, boy.

( chuckles)

Okay.

Ready, set... go.

The Ring of the Nibelungen.

Right! Damn!

Wow!

Well... congratulations,
you two.

( forced laughter)

Great.

All right, enough of that.

Get your head in the game.

We're starting from behind.

Right, right. Okay, here we go.

Now...

Yeah.

All right.

Okay, Dad.

Go.

JULIA: A ball, a balloon.

Oh, an apple!

A bomb. The circle.

Uh, the circle of life.

Uh, I don't know.

Yeah, I'm looking at it.

Maybe if you point
at it harder, I'll get it.

Give me something
to work with, dummy.

Oh, a hat!

Oh, the Cat in the Hat!

Uh, Abraham Lincoln!

Time.

( screeching): Oh,
From Here to Eternity!

I got that in!

No, that's, that's not it. Uh...

What the hell is it?

It's a cherry with a mustache,
and, uh, wearing a sombrero.

It's "Cherry Garcia."

Oh, my God, that is the
worst drawing I've ever seen.

I mean, even these cheaters

wouldn't have gotten that one.

Cheaters?

I saw you guys
mouthing at each other.

And I think Father Time here

cut us off a little early, too.

Here, give me that pen.
I'll show you how it's done.

Sit down.

Oh, my God, I mean,
this painting is j...

( choking)

( continues choking
and coughing)

Oh, dear God!

Are you all right?

Oh... yes, I just...

( coughs)

I think I need to splash a
little cold water on my face.

Let me just, uh, walk
you to the powder room.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's, uh, that's okay.

You just take as
long as you need.

Shame on you!

That woman couldn't breathe,

and the three of
you just sat there!

You didn't exactly
jump in yourself.

That's because I
mistook her choking

for a sarcastic comment
on my Pictionary play!

You, on the other hand,

were content to let the woman
I love die before your eyes.

That's right! I said I love her!

Oh, knock it off, Frasier.

You don't love her.

You're just trying
to talk yourself

into honoring your
ill-advised commitment.

How dare you presume to
know the workings of my heart?

You can't understand
the kind of feelings

Julia and I have
for one another.

You may as well ask me
to describe the essence

of music or the,
the color of starlight!

Nice towels, Frasier.

You'd think a couple
of old ladies lived here.

Get out.

Excuse me?

I said get out!

I'm sorry. Have you
just lost your mind?

No. That happened earlier
when we slept together.

Are you breaking up with me?

You're damn right I am!

I want my purse.

And I, my hand towel.

I can't believe this.

You're actually kicking me out?

Do you want me to
draw you a picture?

We'd be here all night!

Get out!

( pouring)

With this bottle, I
would like to both

commemorate and
apologize for this evening.

Daphne, Niles,

this should have
been your evening,

and I selfishly monopolized
every moment of it.

Frasier... Not yet, Niles.

Anyway,

I handled things badly...

both with Julia and with you,

and I just hope that
you can forgive me.

Of course we will.

Oh, look on the bright side.

You could've let
her choke to death,

but you didn't.

Well, then, uh, to life,
both the old and the new.

( all chuckling)

Ah.

Niles, I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm excited for you, Daphne.

Takes me back to
when I had my kids.

What are you
hoping for, boy or girl?

Oh, I don't know.

Be sort of nice to have a boy.

Niles,

just look at the edging on this.

Have you ever? Have you ever?

And look at... this
is all hand-stitched.

Mm-hmm.

Or a girl. Either way.

( Theme Song Plays)