Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 1 - No Sex Please, We're Skittish - full transcript
Roz hates her new job at KPXY so much that she abandons it after one day. She walks back into KACL and disposes of Frasier's new, wheelchair-bound producer. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing Roz back, Frasier demands to know her reasons for returning, but without success. He consults Niles, firmly convinced that Roz has feelings for him, and is also concerned because he (Frasier) and Julia (Felicity Huffman) are on the verge of taking their relationship to the next level. Niles, however, is having problems of his own. He and Daphne have decided to try for a baby, when it is revealed that Niles once made a contribution to a sperm bank during college. With Daphne worried that Niles may already have a child, Niles goes to the sperm bank to make enquiries only to be told that his sample was discarded due to low motility. Niles then starts taking all measures in order to improve motility. He eventually decides to tell Daphne and the two anticipate a difficult time conceiving, but in the end the worrying was for nothing as it turns out that Daphne is already pregnant.
You trying to save
Frasier from me
or you trying to
save him for yourself?
Are you out of your mind?
Are you in love with him?
It's her or me!
Tell me now or I swear to God,
I will walk out of here
and I will not come back!
There's no chance
you'll change
your mind, is there?
No. KACL is ancient history.
Niles...
I need to talk to you.
You're not with
Frasier, are you?
Why does everybody treat
us like we're joined at the hip?
I do have coffee with people
other than my brother, you know?
Good, 'cause I'm avoiding him.
Well, then, talk fast.
He's meeting me in five minutes.
It's about my new job.
It's a nightmare.
Didn't you just start today?
Yes... my boss
already hit on me,
I'm supposed to work
nights and weekends,
and my assistant is an
idiot and I can't fire her
'cause she's like three
minorities rolled into one.
I can't believe I left KACL
over some stupid snit.
Oh, yes, yes... your ultimatum.
Frasier told me about that.
Listen, this isn't an easy
subject to broach, but...
is it possible you're
in love with Frasier?
Absolutely not.
You sound sure. I am sure.
If I were going to fall for him,
it would have been two years ago
when we slept together.
Well, another theory
I'd like to explore is...
Whoa, back up!
You and Frasier slept together?
He didn't tell you?
No.
Well, I suppose
it's only natural.
When the wolf and
the lamb work together,
it's only a matter of time
before the wolf gets his way.
I hope you were gentle with him.
Just promise me you
won't tell him I told you.
I promise, I promise.
So... you're not in love.
But your behavior last night
clearly indicates
some sort of crisis.
As a psychiatrist...
I just want my job back.
I'm not looking for
some therapy trip.
All right, well...
why don't you just sweep
your emotions under the rug
and waltz back to the station
as if nothing ever happened?
That's perfect. Thanks.
No, no.
I was being facetious.
My real advice
would be... I know.
Talk about my feelings...
blah-blah, woof-woof.
I got to go, Niles.
Thanks again.
DAPHNE: Hey, Roz. Hey, Roz.
Hello, darling.
Hey, you.
Well, we're all set.
I got us a home pregnancy
test, a basal body thermometer,
and ovulation kit.
NILES: Perfect.
I can upload all your data
into this fertility
program I bought.
You kids sure know how
to keep the romance alive.
Uh, two coffees, please.
Since when do you need
a chemistry set to make a baby?
I hear a "in my day" coming.
In my day, it was simple.
The girl would put
on something slinky,
a guy comes home,
has a couple of pops
throws some Dean
Martin on the hi-fi,
and bim-bam-boom...
You're lighting a Lucky.
FRASIER: Dad, Daphne, hi.
How you doing?
Listen, Niles, I've got
to cancel our dinner.
I have to meet Roz's replacement
over at the station
before the show.
What's this?
Are you pregnant?
Not yet, but we're trying.
Oh, well, congratulations.
You've got all the
fertility software
and so forth?
Of course. We're not animals.
We're very excited.
Yes, we were up half the night
imagining life
with our first child.
Well, first child
you know about.
What does that mean?
Well, it's not what
you think, Daphne.
I was just referring to the time
when Niles sold his
sperm to a sperm bank.
Surely, you told her about it.
Off I go.
You sold your sperm?
Well, it was when I was
home from medical school.
I saw an ad for sperm
donors, so I sold my sperm
to the sperm bank...
Stop using that word!
Say "S."
I sold my "S" to earn some money
so I could buy Dad
a Christmas present.
Which present?
The fishing pole.
You bought that with "S" money?
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, it was such
a long time ago,
it completely slipped my mind.
You're not really
upset, are you?
Well, of course I am.
That was my favorite pole.
I just thought this would be
the first child for both of us.
You could be a daddy already.
There could be dozens of little
Niles Cranes running around.
He could be your son.
Or him.
Oh, please, they
look nothing like me.
Besides, I only went
down there one time.
It's possible they
never used my sample.
Can I borrow your sugar?
DAPHNE: Yeah.
I'd better look into this.
There she is.
Now, I've got to warn you, Doc.
She's in an eelchair-way.
Does her handicap preclude
her from understanding Pig Latin?
Dr. Frasier Crane,
king of the shrinks,
meet Dana Willoughby,
queen of the sound board.
Hello, Dana.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Listen, if you have
any questions,
anything you'd like to know,
please feel free to call on me.
I'm here for you.
You know, actually
there was one thing...
Will you excuse me?
Julia!
Oh, hi, Frasier!
Listen, we still on for dinner
at Chez Henri tonight?
Yes, of course. Do
you have reservations?
Not as long as you're wearing
something black and slinky.
Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.
Oh...
Listen, why don't you
stop by my place tonight
for a cocktail first?
I'll see you at 7:00.
Okay.
Hello, Seattle. This
is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Our topic today is...
"New Beginnings."
I'd like you all to join me
in welcoming a new
member to the KACL family...
Hey, Kenny.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey, Roz... Whoa, whoa!
What are you doing here?
I work here.
You quit!
Oh, come on, Kenny.
If I quit, would I be here?
Who's that?
I'm sorry... I hired her
because I thought...
Didn't you quit?
Kenny, what's wrong with you?
Never mind... I'll
fix it like always.
Oh, thanks, Roz.
I owe you one.
As many of you may know,
my producer of ten
years, Roz Doyle,
has left us for
greener pastures.
Now, Roz was not only known
for her producing
prowess, but also for
her warmth, her kindness
and her gentle spirit.
Very well, then... A
beginning of a new era.
Let's go to our first caller.
We have Scott on line two.
WOMAN: Niles Crane.
Hi. I'll get you a cup
and you can start...
Oh, uh, no, no, no.
I've already donated
my essence to
your establishment.
Now I'd like to get it back.
I'm sorry. It's against our
policy to return essences.
Oh, I see.
Well, could I at
least check and see
whether my donation was used?
You know, see if my
deposit has drawn any interest.
Sir, I've worked here 28 years.
Think you can tell me
one I haven't heard?
Go ahead. Try me.
No.
According to our records,
your sample wasn't used.
So there are no little Niles
Cranes running around.
What a relief.
Isn't it?
Thank you for your time.
Just a quick question.
Based on my qualifications,
I'd assumed there'd
be some interest.
Any nibbles?
According to our records,
your sample was discarded.
It was rated substandard.
Substandard?
Your sperm had
very low motility.
So they're...
Slow movers.
Really?
But that, that was
more than 20 years ago.
There's a chance
that my situation's
improved since
then, isn't there?
Can you run faster now
than you did 20 years ago?
So, you're saying
it might be difficult
for my wife and me to conceive?
Very difficult, yes.
I'm sorry.
Uh, thank you.
Ah!
Excuse me, sir. Terribly sorry.
Carry on.
( doorbell ringing)
Eddie, you get
stuck in there again
and you're on your own.
Hey, Niles.
Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?
Uh, primping.
Oh.
He's going out with Julia.
Right, right.
Daphne's out with
her mum tonight,
so I thought I'd borrow a DVD.
Oh, well, you're in luck.
I just picked this one up.
Crime Scene Bloopers 4:
You Have the Right
to Remain Zany.
Sounds tempting, but I'm, uh,
I'm looking for something
a little more soothing.
I didn't have the best day.
Oh, what happened?
Got some bad
news at the "S" bank.
Apparently I suffer
from low motility.
Oh, I'm sorry, son.
How'd Daphne take it?
Uh, well, I haven't had
the heart to tell her yet,
but, uh, I'm hoping
I won't have to.
I did some research
today and I found out
there's some things I can
do to help rouse the troops.
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
Uh, well, such as
wearing baggy pants,
and, uh, boxers
instead of briefs.
Studies show that men who allow
their genitals
to swing freely...
Okay, I got it.
No hot baths, no
alcohol, raw seafood,
and I've started a regimen
of dietary supplements.
Which reminds me.
What's that?
French maritime
pine bark extract.
It boosts fertility and also
acts as a mild euphoric,
which accounts for
the well-known joviality
of French sailors.
Terrible aftertaste though.
( grunts)
I thought those were
supposed to be crunchy.
Oh, Niles.
Dad, Julia's on her way.
You told me you'd keep to
your room while she's here.
And take your
Cheeto-stained dog with you.
MARTIN: Eddie, come on, boy.
I'll be... I'll be leaving, too.
Oh, no, Niles, could you
stay for just a moment?
There's something
going on in my life
that requires a bit of mulling.
Sherry?
No, thanks.
No?
But we never
mull without sherry.
Not for me.
Very well.
Have a seat.
Uh, I'd rather stand.
Suit yourself.
Anyway, it's about Roz.
After quitting her job,
twice, she shows up
back at work again today.
Waist deep in a sea of denial.
Well, I confronted
her on the issue...
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry. Go on.
Anyway, I confronted
her on the issue,
and she refused to
discuss it with me.
She wouldn't even
look me in the eye.
Leads me to just
one conclusion, Niles.
She's in love with me.
Uh... I wouldn't necessarily
jump to that conclusion.
That's because you
don't have all the facts.
I never shared this
with you before, Niles,
so brace yourself.
Two years ago Roz
and I slept together.
Get out!
You and Roz?!
We did have a chance
to discuss it thoroughly.
Talked things out.
And at the time she seemed
happy to remain friends.
I realize now that I must
have kindled a spark in her...
That lit the torch she
carries to this day.
So what do you
think... ( humming)
Are your pants humming?
It's... it's my testicular
hypothermia device.
It promotes motility by
keeping my nether regions
at a cool and
constant 96 degrees.
( doorbell ringing) Oh, dear.
No, no, that wasn't me...
Yes, I know. I know that.
Oh, Julia, hi. Hello.
Good to see you.
What's all this?
It's dinner. I know.
We said we'd go out,
but I thought it'd be
more fun to stay in.
And what's in here?
Is this dessert?
Well, you could call it that.
Oh! Hello, Niles.
Hello.
Well, I'll just go start dinner.
Fine.
Well...
looks like someone's
getting lucky tonight.
She was, but I'm beginning
to have second thoughts.
Why?
Niles, Julia and I have
never been together sexually.
Look what happened with Roz.
We slept together
two years ago...
She's still suffering.
In the sense of pining.
Frasier, you don't
really suppose
that after one night, Julia...
Open your eyes, Niles!
It's the same scenario.
An infatuated coworker,
a night of passion.
What if things don't
work out between us?
Every day she'll be forced
to stare through
the glass at me...
wondering what might have been
until one day, like
Roz, she goes mad.
Um, I'm leaving now.
Can I pick you up
anything on Earth?
Oh, Niles, don't you see?
I'm just trying to
be responsible.
I don't want to sleep with Julia
until I know that
there's a future for us.
Well, Frasier,
I'm sure you'll make
the right choice,
but if you'll permit
me an observation,
you do tend to take
things to extremes.
( beeping) Oh, I
have to plug myself
into my cigarette
lighter and recharge.
So...
alone at last.
Yes.
But, you know, there's
really no need for you
to go to all this trouble.
We can still have
dinner at Chez Henri.
No, dinner's coming along great.
In fact, um...
I've got a little
sauce right here
if you want to taste it.
Oh.
Well...
Mm. That's yummy, yes.
I've had such a stressful day.
You know what would feel great?
A back rub.
You know where I could find
a pair of strong, manly hands?
You know, I think Zoltan from
the club makes house calls.
Let me get you his number.
Frasier, is
everything all right?
Yes, of course.
Because if you're
not interested...
Oh, no, no, no, I am. I am.
I'm very interested.
It's just that...
Before we take
things to the next level,
you should know
there are certain risks.
Oh, my God.
You've got a sexually-
transmitted disease.
No, no, no, no.
Of course not. Of course not...
Oh... Although, in a
manner of speaking...
( doorbell ringing)
Oh, excuse me.
It's Roz.
What's she doing here?
I don't know.
Listen, uh, just give us a moment
or two together and I'll get rid of her.
Fine.
Hey, Fras.
Hi, Roz.
Can I come in?
Yes.
Is... everything okay?
Look, I know how crazy
I've been acting lately.
I... here last night and
today at the radio station.
I mean, I don't even
understand it myself.
But then I took this long walk
and I think I
finally figured it out.
I just feel so stupid.
No, Roz.
Not stupid.
Human.
And all too vulnerable.
You've realized that
you're in love with me.
No, that's not it.
Come on. I can see
why you would think that
based on how I've been acting,
but that's not it.
Okay, okay, just to be clear,
you haven't been pining over
me since we slept together?
God, no. Weren't you there?
Just, uh... hold that thought.
I've got to get in the kitchen
and move something
back to the front burner.
Julia.
Oh, let me guess.
Roz is staying for dinner.
No, no, no. Just us.
Listen, I'd like to apologize
for... being skittish earlier.
I... just chalk it up
to nerves, all right?
I mean, after all, this
is a big night for us.
We've never done this before.
I have.
Well, as have I.
What I meant was...
No, no, I know what you meant.
So...
You're forgiven.
Thank you.
Where were we? Oh, oh, yes.
I believe we were about
to sample some sauce.
Ow! Ow! That's hot! Hot!
Oh, God!
I'll just go get rid of Roz!
You know, we've got
so much to talk about.
What do you say we pick
this up again tomorrow
over a cup of coffee?
( laughing): Okay.
My God, you have
quite the ego on you.
We slept together
like two years ago.
What do you think, you're some kind
of slow-acting time-release love bomb?
I don't remember you having any
complaints when we were in bed.
I seem to recall hearing
the term "stallion-like."
I never said that.
Well, one of us did.
Okay, this is just too weird.
Julia...
No, this is obviously
a bad night for you.
Look, Roz was just leaving.
Well, I'll send the
elevator back up for her.
Juli... Oh.
Frasier, I'm so
sorry about that.
No, it's my fault.
I never should have let you in.
Well, I guess I've given Julia
another reason to hate me.
She doesn't hate you, Roz.
Oh, well, she doesn't like me,
and when the girlfriend
doesn't like the friend,
guess who gets the boot.
That's not always true.
Just went through
this with my dad.
I was always
really close to him,
even after my parents split up,
and six months ago
he married this woman
I don't get along with,
and it's like I don't exist.
I'm sorry.
That's what I finally
realized tonight.
I guess I saw Julia
getting her hooks into you
and I... I freaked.
Roz...
the day a woman tells me
that I can't be friends with you
is the day I know I
picked the wrong woman.
Thanks, Frasier.
Say, Julia has a dangerously
hot meal cooking in the kitchen.
Why don't you stay?
Oh, that sounds great.
But wait. She went
to all this trouble
to make this dinner for you.
If she finds out I'm the
one who ate it, it'll kill her.
You can't tell her, Roz.
Come on, please.
( soft music plays)
Hello?
Hello.
Daphne!
What are you doing here?
I thought you had plans tonight.
Who says I don't?
Champagne?
Oh, sounds wonderful.
Uh, on second
thought, not tonight.
I just thought you might like
something to wash down these oysters.
Oh...
Actually, I'm
avoiding raw seafood.
Would it be too much trouble
to put them in a bisque?
Now?
I'm sorry. I'm just...
a little surprised by all this.
I thought I'd follow
your father's advice.
A little less science,
a little more romance.
( whirring and beeping)
And apparently it's working.
That would be my TestiCool 2000.
Your what?
I should have told
you this earlier.
I had some
disappointing news today.
It seems that I suffer
from low motility
and it might not be
possible for us to conceive.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be sorry.
We'll be all right.
There's so many things
they can do these days
to help infertile couples.
True.
And until we find out more,
I don't see why we don't
give Mother Nature a shot.
I took the test today.
I'm ovulating.
Mmm...
( chuckling)
Well, in that case...
last one upstairs is a rot...
Oh, Daph, this isn't
the ovulation kit.
It's the pregnancy test.
Oh, silly me.
They look so much...
We're pregnant.
Oh, my God, we are, aren't we?
But my slow sperm...
I must have fast eggs.
Daphne, I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, ow, oh, ow, that hurts.
Something seems
to be short-circuiting.
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
That's your daddy.
(Theme Song Plays)
Frasier from me
or you trying to
save him for yourself?
Are you out of your mind?
Are you in love with him?
It's her or me!
Tell me now or I swear to God,
I will walk out of here
and I will not come back!
There's no chance
you'll change
your mind, is there?
No. KACL is ancient history.
Niles...
I need to talk to you.
You're not with
Frasier, are you?
Why does everybody treat
us like we're joined at the hip?
I do have coffee with people
other than my brother, you know?
Good, 'cause I'm avoiding him.
Well, then, talk fast.
He's meeting me in five minutes.
It's about my new job.
It's a nightmare.
Didn't you just start today?
Yes... my boss
already hit on me,
I'm supposed to work
nights and weekends,
and my assistant is an
idiot and I can't fire her
'cause she's like three
minorities rolled into one.
I can't believe I left KACL
over some stupid snit.
Oh, yes, yes... your ultimatum.
Frasier told me about that.
Listen, this isn't an easy
subject to broach, but...
is it possible you're
in love with Frasier?
Absolutely not.
You sound sure. I am sure.
If I were going to fall for him,
it would have been two years ago
when we slept together.
Well, another theory
I'd like to explore is...
Whoa, back up!
You and Frasier slept together?
He didn't tell you?
No.
Well, I suppose
it's only natural.
When the wolf and
the lamb work together,
it's only a matter of time
before the wolf gets his way.
I hope you were gentle with him.
Just promise me you
won't tell him I told you.
I promise, I promise.
So... you're not in love.
But your behavior last night
clearly indicates
some sort of crisis.
As a psychiatrist...
I just want my job back.
I'm not looking for
some therapy trip.
All right, well...
why don't you just sweep
your emotions under the rug
and waltz back to the station
as if nothing ever happened?
That's perfect. Thanks.
No, no.
I was being facetious.
My real advice
would be... I know.
Talk about my feelings...
blah-blah, woof-woof.
I got to go, Niles.
Thanks again.
DAPHNE: Hey, Roz. Hey, Roz.
Hello, darling.
Hey, you.
Well, we're all set.
I got us a home pregnancy
test, a basal body thermometer,
and ovulation kit.
NILES: Perfect.
I can upload all your data
into this fertility
program I bought.
You kids sure know how
to keep the romance alive.
Uh, two coffees, please.
Since when do you need
a chemistry set to make a baby?
I hear a "in my day" coming.
In my day, it was simple.
The girl would put
on something slinky,
a guy comes home,
has a couple of pops
throws some Dean
Martin on the hi-fi,
and bim-bam-boom...
You're lighting a Lucky.
FRASIER: Dad, Daphne, hi.
How you doing?
Listen, Niles, I've got
to cancel our dinner.
I have to meet Roz's replacement
over at the station
before the show.
What's this?
Are you pregnant?
Not yet, but we're trying.
Oh, well, congratulations.
You've got all the
fertility software
and so forth?
Of course. We're not animals.
We're very excited.
Yes, we were up half the night
imagining life
with our first child.
Well, first child
you know about.
What does that mean?
Well, it's not what
you think, Daphne.
I was just referring to the time
when Niles sold his
sperm to a sperm bank.
Surely, you told her about it.
Off I go.
You sold your sperm?
Well, it was when I was
home from medical school.
I saw an ad for sperm
donors, so I sold my sperm
to the sperm bank...
Stop using that word!
Say "S."
I sold my "S" to earn some money
so I could buy Dad
a Christmas present.
Which present?
The fishing pole.
You bought that with "S" money?
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, it was such
a long time ago,
it completely slipped my mind.
You're not really
upset, are you?
Well, of course I am.
That was my favorite pole.
I just thought this would be
the first child for both of us.
You could be a daddy already.
There could be dozens of little
Niles Cranes running around.
He could be your son.
Or him.
Oh, please, they
look nothing like me.
Besides, I only went
down there one time.
It's possible they
never used my sample.
Can I borrow your sugar?
DAPHNE: Yeah.
I'd better look into this.
There she is.
Now, I've got to warn you, Doc.
She's in an eelchair-way.
Does her handicap preclude
her from understanding Pig Latin?
Dr. Frasier Crane,
king of the shrinks,
meet Dana Willoughby,
queen of the sound board.
Hello, Dana.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Likewise, I'm sure.
Listen, if you have
any questions,
anything you'd like to know,
please feel free to call on me.
I'm here for you.
You know, actually
there was one thing...
Will you excuse me?
Julia!
Oh, hi, Frasier!
Listen, we still on for dinner
at Chez Henri tonight?
Yes, of course. Do
you have reservations?
Not as long as you're wearing
something black and slinky.
Ten seconds, Dr. Crane.
Oh...
Listen, why don't you
stop by my place tonight
for a cocktail first?
I'll see you at 7:00.
Okay.
Hello, Seattle. This
is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Our topic today is...
"New Beginnings."
I'd like you all to join me
in welcoming a new
member to the KACL family...
Hey, Kenny.
Sorry I'm late.
Hey, Roz... Whoa, whoa!
What are you doing here?
I work here.
You quit!
Oh, come on, Kenny.
If I quit, would I be here?
Who's that?
I'm sorry... I hired her
because I thought...
Didn't you quit?
Kenny, what's wrong with you?
Never mind... I'll
fix it like always.
Oh, thanks, Roz.
I owe you one.
As many of you may know,
my producer of ten
years, Roz Doyle,
has left us for
greener pastures.
Now, Roz was not only known
for her producing
prowess, but also for
her warmth, her kindness
and her gentle spirit.
Very well, then... A
beginning of a new era.
Let's go to our first caller.
We have Scott on line two.
WOMAN: Niles Crane.
Hi. I'll get you a cup
and you can start...
Oh, uh, no, no, no.
I've already donated
my essence to
your establishment.
Now I'd like to get it back.
I'm sorry. It's against our
policy to return essences.
Oh, I see.
Well, could I at
least check and see
whether my donation was used?
You know, see if my
deposit has drawn any interest.
Sir, I've worked here 28 years.
Think you can tell me
one I haven't heard?
Go ahead. Try me.
No.
According to our records,
your sample wasn't used.
So there are no little Niles
Cranes running around.
What a relief.
Isn't it?
Thank you for your time.
Just a quick question.
Based on my qualifications,
I'd assumed there'd
be some interest.
Any nibbles?
According to our records,
your sample was discarded.
It was rated substandard.
Substandard?
Your sperm had
very low motility.
So they're...
Slow movers.
Really?
But that, that was
more than 20 years ago.
There's a chance
that my situation's
improved since
then, isn't there?
Can you run faster now
than you did 20 years ago?
So, you're saying
it might be difficult
for my wife and me to conceive?
Very difficult, yes.
I'm sorry.
Uh, thank you.
Ah!
Excuse me, sir. Terribly sorry.
Carry on.
( doorbell ringing)
Eddie, you get
stuck in there again
and you're on your own.
Hey, Niles.
Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?
Uh, primping.
Oh.
He's going out with Julia.
Right, right.
Daphne's out with
her mum tonight,
so I thought I'd borrow a DVD.
Oh, well, you're in luck.
I just picked this one up.
Crime Scene Bloopers 4:
You Have the Right
to Remain Zany.
Sounds tempting, but I'm, uh,
I'm looking for something
a little more soothing.
I didn't have the best day.
Oh, what happened?
Got some bad
news at the "S" bank.
Apparently I suffer
from low motility.
Oh, I'm sorry, son.
How'd Daphne take it?
Uh, well, I haven't had
the heart to tell her yet,
but, uh, I'm hoping
I won't have to.
I did some research
today and I found out
there's some things I can
do to help rouse the troops.
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
Uh, well, such as
wearing baggy pants,
and, uh, boxers
instead of briefs.
Studies show that men who allow
their genitals
to swing freely...
Okay, I got it.
No hot baths, no
alcohol, raw seafood,
and I've started a regimen
of dietary supplements.
Which reminds me.
What's that?
French maritime
pine bark extract.
It boosts fertility and also
acts as a mild euphoric,
which accounts for
the well-known joviality
of French sailors.
Terrible aftertaste though.
( grunts)
I thought those were
supposed to be crunchy.
Oh, Niles.
Dad, Julia's on her way.
You told me you'd keep to
your room while she's here.
And take your
Cheeto-stained dog with you.
MARTIN: Eddie, come on, boy.
I'll be... I'll be leaving, too.
Oh, no, Niles, could you
stay for just a moment?
There's something
going on in my life
that requires a bit of mulling.
Sherry?
No, thanks.
No?
But we never
mull without sherry.
Not for me.
Very well.
Have a seat.
Uh, I'd rather stand.
Suit yourself.
Anyway, it's about Roz.
After quitting her job,
twice, she shows up
back at work again today.
Waist deep in a sea of denial.
Well, I confronted
her on the issue...
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry. Go on.
Anyway, I confronted
her on the issue,
and she refused to
discuss it with me.
She wouldn't even
look me in the eye.
Leads me to just
one conclusion, Niles.
She's in love with me.
Uh... I wouldn't necessarily
jump to that conclusion.
That's because you
don't have all the facts.
I never shared this
with you before, Niles,
so brace yourself.
Two years ago Roz
and I slept together.
Get out!
You and Roz?!
We did have a chance
to discuss it thoroughly.
Talked things out.
And at the time she seemed
happy to remain friends.
I realize now that I must
have kindled a spark in her...
That lit the torch she
carries to this day.
So what do you
think... ( humming)
Are your pants humming?
It's... it's my testicular
hypothermia device.
It promotes motility by
keeping my nether regions
at a cool and
constant 96 degrees.
( doorbell ringing) Oh, dear.
No, no, that wasn't me...
Yes, I know. I know that.
Oh, Julia, hi. Hello.
Good to see you.
What's all this?
It's dinner. I know.
We said we'd go out,
but I thought it'd be
more fun to stay in.
And what's in here?
Is this dessert?
Well, you could call it that.
Oh! Hello, Niles.
Hello.
Well, I'll just go start dinner.
Fine.
Well...
looks like someone's
getting lucky tonight.
She was, but I'm beginning
to have second thoughts.
Why?
Niles, Julia and I have
never been together sexually.
Look what happened with Roz.
We slept together
two years ago...
She's still suffering.
In the sense of pining.
Frasier, you don't
really suppose
that after one night, Julia...
Open your eyes, Niles!
It's the same scenario.
An infatuated coworker,
a night of passion.
What if things don't
work out between us?
Every day she'll be forced
to stare through
the glass at me...
wondering what might have been
until one day, like
Roz, she goes mad.
Um, I'm leaving now.
Can I pick you up
anything on Earth?
Oh, Niles, don't you see?
I'm just trying to
be responsible.
I don't want to sleep with Julia
until I know that
there's a future for us.
Well, Frasier,
I'm sure you'll make
the right choice,
but if you'll permit
me an observation,
you do tend to take
things to extremes.
( beeping) Oh, I
have to plug myself
into my cigarette
lighter and recharge.
So...
alone at last.
Yes.
But, you know, there's
really no need for you
to go to all this trouble.
We can still have
dinner at Chez Henri.
No, dinner's coming along great.
In fact, um...
I've got a little
sauce right here
if you want to taste it.
Oh.
Well...
Mm. That's yummy, yes.
I've had such a stressful day.
You know what would feel great?
A back rub.
You know where I could find
a pair of strong, manly hands?
You know, I think Zoltan from
the club makes house calls.
Let me get you his number.
Frasier, is
everything all right?
Yes, of course.
Because if you're
not interested...
Oh, no, no, no, I am. I am.
I'm very interested.
It's just that...
Before we take
things to the next level,
you should know
there are certain risks.
Oh, my God.
You've got a sexually-
transmitted disease.
No, no, no, no.
Of course not. Of course not...
Oh... Although, in a
manner of speaking...
( doorbell ringing)
Oh, excuse me.
It's Roz.
What's she doing here?
I don't know.
Listen, uh, just give us a moment
or two together and I'll get rid of her.
Fine.
Hey, Fras.
Hi, Roz.
Can I come in?
Yes.
Is... everything okay?
Look, I know how crazy
I've been acting lately.
I... here last night and
today at the radio station.
I mean, I don't even
understand it myself.
But then I took this long walk
and I think I
finally figured it out.
I just feel so stupid.
No, Roz.
Not stupid.
Human.
And all too vulnerable.
You've realized that
you're in love with me.
No, that's not it.
Come on. I can see
why you would think that
based on how I've been acting,
but that's not it.
Okay, okay, just to be clear,
you haven't been pining over
me since we slept together?
God, no. Weren't you there?
Just, uh... hold that thought.
I've got to get in the kitchen
and move something
back to the front burner.
Julia.
Oh, let me guess.
Roz is staying for dinner.
No, no, no. Just us.
Listen, I'd like to apologize
for... being skittish earlier.
I... just chalk it up
to nerves, all right?
I mean, after all, this
is a big night for us.
We've never done this before.
I have.
Well, as have I.
What I meant was...
No, no, I know what you meant.
So...
You're forgiven.
Thank you.
Where were we? Oh, oh, yes.
I believe we were about
to sample some sauce.
Ow! Ow! That's hot! Hot!
Oh, God!
I'll just go get rid of Roz!
You know, we've got
so much to talk about.
What do you say we pick
this up again tomorrow
over a cup of coffee?
( laughing): Okay.
My God, you have
quite the ego on you.
We slept together
like two years ago.
What do you think, you're some kind
of slow-acting time-release love bomb?
I don't remember you having any
complaints when we were in bed.
I seem to recall hearing
the term "stallion-like."
I never said that.
Well, one of us did.
Okay, this is just too weird.
Julia...
No, this is obviously
a bad night for you.
Look, Roz was just leaving.
Well, I'll send the
elevator back up for her.
Juli... Oh.
Frasier, I'm so
sorry about that.
No, it's my fault.
I never should have let you in.
Well, I guess I've given Julia
another reason to hate me.
She doesn't hate you, Roz.
Oh, well, she doesn't like me,
and when the girlfriend
doesn't like the friend,
guess who gets the boot.
That's not always true.
Just went through
this with my dad.
I was always
really close to him,
even after my parents split up,
and six months ago
he married this woman
I don't get along with,
and it's like I don't exist.
I'm sorry.
That's what I finally
realized tonight.
I guess I saw Julia
getting her hooks into you
and I... I freaked.
Roz...
the day a woman tells me
that I can't be friends with you
is the day I know I
picked the wrong woman.
Thanks, Frasier.
Say, Julia has a dangerously
hot meal cooking in the kitchen.
Why don't you stay?
Oh, that sounds great.
But wait. She went
to all this trouble
to make this dinner for you.
If she finds out I'm the
one who ate it, it'll kill her.
You can't tell her, Roz.
Come on, please.
( soft music plays)
Hello?
Hello.
Daphne!
What are you doing here?
I thought you had plans tonight.
Who says I don't?
Champagne?
Oh, sounds wonderful.
Uh, on second
thought, not tonight.
I just thought you might like
something to wash down these oysters.
Oh...
Actually, I'm
avoiding raw seafood.
Would it be too much trouble
to put them in a bisque?
Now?
I'm sorry. I'm just...
a little surprised by all this.
I thought I'd follow
your father's advice.
A little less science,
a little more romance.
( whirring and beeping)
And apparently it's working.
That would be my TestiCool 2000.
Your what?
I should have told
you this earlier.
I had some
disappointing news today.
It seems that I suffer
from low motility
and it might not be
possible for us to conceive.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be sorry.
We'll be all right.
There's so many things
they can do these days
to help infertile couples.
True.
And until we find out more,
I don't see why we don't
give Mother Nature a shot.
I took the test today.
I'm ovulating.
Mmm...
( chuckling)
Well, in that case...
last one upstairs is a rot...
Oh, Daph, this isn't
the ovulation kit.
It's the pregnancy test.
Oh, silly me.
They look so much...
We're pregnant.
Oh, my God, we are, aren't we?
But my slow sperm...
I must have fast eggs.
Daphne, I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, ow, oh, ow, that hurts.
Something seems
to be short-circuiting.
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
That's your daddy.
(Theme Song Plays)