Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 21 - Detour - full transcript

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May I get my usual, please?

Well, you're in a good mood.

What's up?

Well, actually...

No, I better not.
Don't want to jinx it.

No problem.

Besides, the mark of a
true gentleman is discretion.

Okay.

Listen, about your
dad's bachelor party...

Charlotte and I spent
the night together.



I thought she was seeing
that super-hotty Frank.

Dumped him, thank you.

For you?

I mean, wow! Way to go!

Yes, I know.

It's funny I should end up

with my own
matchmaker, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, that Frank
was the whole package.

Those eyes,

that chin, that bod
that wouldn't quit.

Yes, well, it didn't
have to quit; it was fired.

Uh, thank you very much.

Now, you were saying something

about my dad's bachelor party?



Yeah. Weren't you
having a problem

deciding on the entertainment?

Oh, yes.

Well, there's this
girl in my spin class,

and she does it all...
Strips, lap dances, movies.

Really?

Would I be familiar
with her work?

I don't know. Have you
seen Grinding Nemo?

Anyway, I invited her over
here so you could check her out.

She's going to be
here any second.

Her name is Amber Licious.

Really? Well...

I'm afraid I can't
do it right now.

I'm meeting Charlotte
for coffee. Uh...

You can tell her yourself.

Hey, Amber.

Hi, Roz. How are you?

This is Frasier.

Hello.

Hello. Uh, how do you
do, Miss Licious? Uh...

Um, I'm terribly sorry, but,

uh, I've got something scheduled

so I'll have to
postpone our interview.

Perhaps we could
meet, uh, this evening

at my place, around 7:00?

I live at the Elliot Bay Towers.

Can we make it 7:30?

I have to go redub some
groans for He Biscuit.

Well, I'll see you then. Great.

Frasier? Hmm? Oh, uh...

Oh, hi. Listen, I...

Gosh, I'm sorry I had
to dash off this morning.

No, it's okay.

I have to dash off
myself right now.

Oh, I thought we
were having coffee.

We were. I forgot,

I have to catch a train
to Portland in 20 minutes.

I'm giving a talk

to the Northwest Businesswoman's
Association. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it's all right.

I'm sure you'll be wonderful.

Yeah. It's a good speech.

I gave it last year

to the Midwest
Businesswoman's Association.

Anyway, I'll be
back Sunday night.

We can have dinner then.

I-I really should catch a cab.

Maybe I could just
drive you to the station.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

No, no. I'd like to.

Besides, I've
always been a sucker

for that romantic,
movie-ending good-bye...

A fog-shrouded train
platform, a-a passionate kiss.

With a romantic dip.

Yes, well,

maybe I am, but there
are damn few of us left.

Dip, dip, dip...

Oh.

So, I could make us a
reservation for dinner on Sunday.

I would suggest
Cucina. Yeah, okay.

Charlotte, you seem
a little distracted.

Is there something on your mind?

Charlotte?

Oh, Frasier.

Oh, boy.

I-I really don't want
to get into this now.

Why don't we talk
about it Sunday night?

Please, I can't
wait till Sunday.

My imagination will torture me.

Okay.

I'm moving back to
Chicago in three weeks.

Three weeks?

It's not you.

I bought my old business
back from my ex. I...

I know I should
have told you sooner,

but it was never the right time.

Are you okay?

I had to blab to Roz.

What?

Nothing.

Are you sure?

This all happened
before we got together.

Well, let's look
on the bright side.

I mean, Chicago
isn't that far away.

I don't want a
long-distance relationship,

and neither do you.

You said so on your application.

Okay. But you know,

we still have, uh, three weeks.

Don't be hurt, but...

if someone called
your show and said,

"I'm leaving town
in three weeks.

Should I get involved
with someone?"

What would you say?

I'd say it was foolish
to take the plunge

and bring up feelings
that must be dashed,

and so forth.

But what do I know?

I'm not infallible.

Frasier...

All right.

Son of a bitch!

Ooh, I'm sorry. My hand slipped.

No, no. It's my train.

Damn it!

Oh, dear. All right, look,

Uh, the next
station isn't too far.

I-I bet I can beat the train.

Well, round two to Amtrak.

I could drive us
to the next station.

Okay, but you do know

you're going to have
to drive a little faster.

You do realize we got
passed by a school bus

and a prefab home?

Point taken.

I really do appreciate this.

Oh, it's all right.

Didn't have anything else to do.

Oh, dear.

I've got to make a call.

Could you hold
the wheel, please?

I just, uh, got this.

It's a... it's a... a
hands-free unit.

Much, uh, much, much safer.

Can we just meet her?

Everyone in Frasier's
building raves about her,

and I hear she's unhappy.

I just hate the idea

of poaching the
Steingarden's nanny.

I seem to recall

you poaching another
man's fiancée once.

Oh, Daphne, I
was in college. I...

Oh, you mean...

Well, who did you mean?

Sorry. I have to get this.

Hello.

Niles. Frasier.

Listen, you remember
that idea we proposed

about Dad's party?

The, uh, the entertainer? Oh.

The klezmer band?

No, no. The stripper.

Uh, well, I found one.

Daphne's fine,
thank you for asking.

She's right here beside me.

Niles, I'm supposed
to interview her

this evening at
7:30 at my place.

I can't make it.

Something came up.
You'll have to do it for me.

Oh, no, thank you.

Niles, if you're worried
about Dad being there.

He's got a date
with Ronee tonight.

Don't we want south?

Listen, Niles, I-I know
that you get nervous

around fan
dancers and their ilk,

but you have got
to conquer your fear.

Thank you. I'll talk to
you later. Good-bye.

South.

What? I'm sorry?

South! South!

What? What?

South!

Oh, dear, uh...

You know, perhaps
it would be best

if you just said left or right.

It's not like there's a
compass in the car.

What's that?

Oh, well, I'll be damned.

What's that red light?

Hmm. Oh, that.

Oh, that's nothing
to worry about.

It's been on for months.

I think there's something
wrong with the bulb.

Cell phones don't work here.

Please tell me

you know what's
wrong with the car.

Not a clue.

I opened the hood
as a mere formality.

Hello?

Uh, we're terribly
sorry to bother you,

but our car has broken down.

Well, come on
in out of that cold.

My husband knows
everything about cars.

Harbin, these people's
car broke down.

Go take a look at it for them.

Harbin!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

We certainly appreciate that.

Have a seat and
have a cup of coffee

and warm up.

I'm Sue, by the way.

Thank you. You're very kind.

Yes, yes, indeed.

I'm Charlotte. And I'm Frasier.

Gosh, you seem to be
preparing for some sort of a party.

Well, Harbin's
mother passed away,

so people will be
coming over tomorrow.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

We should get out of your hair.

Oh, no, please! The
company will do us good.

Harbin really perked
up when you came in.

Really?

Because he seems
to be crying in our car.

Excuse me.

Harbin!

For goodness sake, pop the hood!

You will have to excuse him.

He was very
attached to his mother.

A little too attached
for my taste.

Hi, baby.

Who are these?

Their car broke down.

This is my son Jonathan.

Isn't he handsome?

Jonathan, this is
Frasier and Charlotte.

How do you do?

Yes, nice to meet you.

How is your project today, baby?

Fine, Mother.

You want a butterscotch?

No, I'm good. I'm good.

So what are you making?

Art.

He won't let any of
us see it till it's finished.

Oh. So, how's our car?

Can we just scoot
right away from here?

No, I'll have to...

drive to town
tomorrow for the parts.

What happened?

Well, we were just
driving along the highway

and suddenly the
engine just died.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Will you please cut
out the hangdog bit,

Mr. Welcome Wagon?

We got company!

Get in there, show
'em some manners.

Offer them a place
to stay for the night.

You're not gonna like it here.

Of course, of course,

you'll have to spend the night.

We couldn't.

No, we really, really couldn't.

There must be a hotel in town.

What does this
look like, Lancaster?

It's no problem.

You could bunk with Jonathan,

and Charlotte, you
could have the fold-out.

I'll help make up your bed.

No, it's okay.

We'll stay together.

Yes, that's right, together.

Well, are you married?

Because we don't want
to set a bad example.

Oh, yes, yes. Yes,
married. We're married.

For how long?

Two months. Oh, two years.

Hey, Ronee, it's me.

Uh, I got to interview a
new physical therapist

to fill in for Daph, so pick
me up 15 minutes later, okay?

Well, just have a drink.

Well, have another one!

Really?

Maybe I'll pick you up.

Frasier?

You're too busy to
answer the phone.

But I'm just about to
interview this stripper,

and I have no idea what to ask.

I just hope Dad doesn't
walk in and spoil the surprise.

I'm already developing some sort

of aversion-based mouth
dryness as we speak.

This is Niles, by the way.

Hey, Niles.

Oh!

What's up?

Frasier is going to split a
case of oloroso with me,

because we both like oloroso.

But he's not here, so
I'll stop bothering you.

Nice chatting.

Oh! Oh!

Are you-you here
for the interview?

Yes. Crane, right?

Uh, yes, yes.

But, um... uh...
the place is a mess.

Do you mind if we...
if we talk in the lobby?

I guess that's okay.

Wonderful.

Uh, so...

How-how long have you
been doing what you do?

Oh, years now.

At first I just did it for
friends, but then I thought,

"Why am I giving this away
when I can make money at it?"

Here are my references.

Oh! I didn't know you
people had references.

Let alone...

The mayor?!

Yeah.

I started with him,

and now I do most
of the city council.

Uh, well, uh, that's-that's
good enough for me.

You're hired.

Shouldn't your dad meet
me before you decide?

Oh, no, no. We don't
want him to see you

till you're taking
off your clothes.

What are you talking about?

And why are you
sweating so much?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm just, I'm just a little ill
at ease around, you know...

What?

Sex workers!

Ew!

Get away from me, you freak!

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing here,
and why are you so sweaty?

I was talking to Dad
about my case of oloroso.

Oh, well, if it doesn't
clear up by tomorrow,

you should call a doctor.

I will.

Oh!

Hello, Kathy!

Yeah, it's Daphne Crane.

Listen I'm going to
be over here in 1901,

and I was wondering
if we could finally meet.

Oh, that's wonderful!

Don't even call it an interview.

Everyone says you're
the best nanny in Seattle.

Good. I'll see
you up there, then.

Oh, wow, that was fast.

Come on in.

All right. What
happened to Dr. Crane?

Oh, he's not feeling well.

Thanks for coming.

I know you're busy.

Please, have a seat.

Oh, thanks. Yeah,
right after this,

I have to go pick
up a new teddy.

Oh! That's so sweet!

Well, I'll make
this quick, then.

We're not expecting
anything fancy.

Just the basic burping,
diapering and so forth.

Okay, I guess I'm game for that.

Oh, wonderful!

Why don't I make us
some tea, and we can talk?

Great! Uh, did you want me
to wear something special?

Oh! Since you ask,

I've always been partial to a
simple white nurse's uniform.

It's a classic.

Oh, hi! I thought I heard
some talking out here.

I'm Marty Crane. Hi.

How you doing? Great.

Yeah. So, Daphne give
you the third degree?

Oh, not really. No?
Well, that's good.

I think she's a little
sensitive, you know,

about being replaced.

She's been doing
me for ten years.

Oh! But then she got pregnant.

Right, right.

But you know, lately she's
been having me up on the table.

I like it better on the floor.

The floor all right with you?

It's your dime.

Great, great.

Well, uh, maybe you
could show me your stuff.

Oh... I'll never
hear the end of it

if I don't take
you out for a spin.

Oh, sure. I just need to change.

Oh, yeah. The powder
room's right there.

Here? Okay.

Where did she go?

You didn't drive
her off, did you?

No, not at all. I like her.

What do you think about her?

I like her a lot. Good!

'Course we won't really
know till we see her in action.

Ta-dah!

You're hired!

Hi, sweetie! Hi.

Gone for 20 minutes? Yes.

Well, uh, Harbin was just
giving me a tour of my engine...

Uh...

You've got either a blown
rod bearing or a loose pin.

We had a stethoscope, I'm
sure we could tell the difference.

Oh, yes, well, you know,

I'm so hopeless with cars.

I know I would
just misdiagnose it.

Wouldn't be the
first misdiagnosis

that ever happened.

Friend Charlotte...

where's your ring?

Excuse me?

I thought most married
women wore a ring,

yet your hand is bare and white.

Yes, i-it is.

Um...

that's because this
is the hand that I...

fell in love with...

a hand too... too perfect

for, uh...

the profanity of gold

or-or platinum.

After all, what diamond
could possibly rival the...

sparkle in those eyes?

I'll take my coffee in the
living room, you don't mind!

If that will make
you happy, Harbin.

Shall we?

This is Grandma.

We... had no idea.

We are having the
wake here tomorrow.

Mama loved to party.

Excuse me again.

Yeah, she loved
to party, all right,

with me as her personal
slave and handmaiden,

doing all the cooking
and the cleaning

and the wiping her sorry...

Sugar?

You know, we're
a bit tired, really.

Maybe we could just turn in?

Well, help me get the
cushions off the fold-up.

We'll make up the bed.

You mean, we're-we're
sleeping in here?

Well, there's Mama's bed.

But that's in our room.

This'll be fine.

Did you hear that?

What?

That!

What do you think
he's doing down there?

Well, how should I
know? He's your friend.

Shh!

Grandma?

It's Jonathan.

I just wanted to tell you

that our little
secret is still safe.

Well, this tops anything that would
have happened at the Portland Radisson.

Hi, Mama!

I can't believe I'm not
going to get one more hug.

What's that?

One more?

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

I better go, Mama.

I'm sorry I scraped
your head with my watch.

You know...

he said the same
thing to my engine

when he opened the hood.

Charlotte...

I'm afraid we're making
a terrible mistake.

Frasier, I'm not
switching sides again.

No.

I mean, writing off
these three weeks

just 'cause you're moving.

I had a great time
with you today.

And with somebody else, it
would have been a disaster.

With somebody else,

I would have been in Portland.

Come on. You know
what I'm talking about.

We have a lot of fun together.

And why deny ourselves the
chance to have even more?

I know the sensible thing
would be to just end it now

and walk away.

And normally, that's
what I would do.

But...

I don't want to be sensible.

But we'd only have three weeks.

I know.

It'd be like a summer fling.

But wouldn't we be
sad when it ended?

Of course we would.

That's what happens.

You-you're sad
when summer's over.

Well, I... never was.

I mean, I always looked
forward to the new school year.

I would buy my books a month...

Are you going to
talk all summer?