Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 22 - Crock Tales - full transcript
Frasier chips an old earthenware crock pot while preparing dinner, and is about to throw it away, when he pauses, and remembers the dinners associated with the item, going back in time until finally remembering the first dinner he had made for his father, Niles, Daphne and Roz. The show invented new scenes from previous seasons, with the cast wearing the hairstyles, clothes, and vocal and semiotic mannerisms from those previous seasons, in some cases wearing wigs. After the flashbacks, Frasier repairs the crock pot, warmly places flowers in it, and gives it an honored place on the dinner table, as the gang arrives. When he fills it with water, the pot immediately begins to leak from all the cracks.
Captioning sponsored by NBC,
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Yeah, I had a great
time today, too, Charlotte.
Oh, nothing really.
I'm having the
folks over for dinner.
Just the family and Roz.
Well, I've done it a
thousand times before.
Okay, then, I'll, uh,
see you tomorrow.
Bye.
For God's sake.
This thing...
breaks like crockwork.
Crockwork.
I'll tell you.
Frasier, once again,
you suffer the tragedy
of being clever and alone.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Would you please
throw that thing away?
Why? What for?
When I get through gluing it,
it'll be as good as new.
It wasn't any good
when it was new.
It's just an ugly,
worthless pot.
Oh. Hello.
Hi. How was the honeymoon?
Oh, Tahiti was
absolute paradise,
except for poor Niles
getting sunburned.
Oh, dear, Niles.
You look like you
crawled out of a bisque.
And you look like
someone who doesn't want
his Paul Gauguin
souvenir oven mitt.
Niles, you remembered.
Hey, guys.
Welcome back.
Hello, Martin. Hey.
You're a bit dressed
up for a family dinner.
Oh, well, Roz is dropping by
with someone she
wanted me to meet.
Ooh, a lady friend?
No, we're going to
form a jazz trio, Niles.
Of course it's a lady friend,
you cherry-faced fool.
So you want us to clear out?
No, no, no, you
don't have to do that.
Actually, if I don't like her,
Roz will just take her away.
We've agreed upon a
safety word... Enchanté.
If circumstances should
dictate, all I have to do is say it
and Roz will know
that I'm not interested.
Niles, would you
mind getting that?
That's probably Roz.
I'm just going to get rid
of Dad's arts and crafts
project here, all right?
Hi, Roz.
Hey, you guys are back.
Hey, Martin. Hi, Roz.
This is my friend Lizbeth.
How are ya?
Good, good.
That's all right. Yes.
This is Daphne and Martin and...
Hi.
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Oh, please. Frasier
has the greatest wine.
Oh, sounds good to me.
Life's too short to
drink bad wine, right?
Amen to that.
Just a half a glass
with club soda.
You know how I love my spritzer.
Frasier.
What? Oh, hi.
Roz, what a pleasant surprise.
This is Lizbeth. We
were just shopping
in the neighborhood
and thought we'd stop by.
How lovely. It's a pleasure
to meet you, Elizabeth.
It's not Elizabeth.
It's Lizbeth.
Ah. Like "Lisbon."
Like a what?
Enchanté.
Right,
and meeting you
is just... super.
Yes, the feeling is mutual.
Enchanté. Enchanté. Enchanté.
Oh, and for me, it's just
been super. Super, super.
I took a shot.
Yes. Yeah. Okay.
Well, I guess we can stop
shaking hands now.
Oh, well, I'm ready
whenever you are.
Well, then just let go.
I did. You're holding on to me.
Oh, dear.
Dad, what kind of glue
were you using on that pot?
Super.
How could you be so
stupid to glue us together?
I thought you said he was smart.
Don't panic. I-I seem to recall
that Super Glue can be
dissolved with acetone.
You know, nail polish remover.
He's the smart one.
How did you know that?
I knew that from, from school.
School lunches!
The Kriezel
brothers used to glue
a cafeteria tray to his tie.
Well, I suppose
we better get some.
Let's go to the drugstore.
Drugstore. Oh. I gotta go.
No, they'll be back
in ten minutes.
No, no, no, I-I gotta go.
I started the new juice diet
and I got 64 ounces
of cran-raspberry
looking for a new home.
Oh, for God's sake.
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh... Here.
Just, just come right in here.
There we are.
Yes, uh, all right,
just a moment. Uh...
Are you there?
Almost.
That's close enough!
Could you maybe
put on some music?
Dad, could you put on
some music, please?
Yeah. Sure. What do
you want? Pop? Big band?
Oh, for God's sakes, just
turn the damn thing on!
Sorry I'm late. Mm-hmm.
The Cinco de Mayo
traffic was muy malo.
Oh, yes, that's right.
They closed some streets
for the fireworks display.
Well, happy birthday, Roz.
Yeah, happy birthday.
Whatever.
Used to be I'd go out and
get a little wild on my birthday.
Now I go out and
get a little dinner.
There's nothing
wrong with dinner.
I know, but it used
to come with sex.
Come on, Roz.
Sounds like you need a drink.
Oh, that used to
come with sex, too.
Sounds like we've
got another passenger
on the SS Ain't Gettin' Any.
Hello. Hi, Niles.
Wonderful day, marvelous day.
You two look grand.
Where's Daphne?
Who shoved a bluebird in you?
You know the SS Ain't
Gettin' Any? Man overboard.
You and Daphne?
Last night, Daphne and I
engaged in sweet carnal delights.
Did you say "carnal"
or "caramel"?
I gotta go wrap
Roz's birthday gift.
Oh! I forgot about
Roz's birthday.
You don't have anything
I could give her, do you?
Well, let's look.
Maybe one of
these books. Just...
For God's sake, Niles.
I mean... How could
you forget her birthday?
It's the whole reason
we're having dinner.
Oh, forgive me. I've been
a little distracted lately.
Especially last night.
And again this morning.
Niles. Oh...
Oh, dear God.
If Daphne knew I was
speaking so indiscreetly,
she'd be mortified.
And just when I
thought I'd worn him out,
he flips me over
like a griddle cake
and off we go again.
Niles?
I couldn't catch me breath.
It was like a marathon.
I tell you, he spoilt
me for any other man.
Frasier's brother Niles?
And guess how he
woke me up this morning.
Oh, shut up already.
Okay, birthday girl.
Come on over here
and open some gifts.
Hello.
Hello, yourself.
All right, you two,
let's pay attention.
This is Roz's birthday.
This gift is from Niles.
Happy birthday, Roz.
It's a crock.
With a chipped lid...
and a dead bee.
Thank you, Niles.
Glad you like it.
Oh, you know, I-I think I
left your present in my room.
Niles, will you help me with it?
Oh, of course.
We'll be back very quickie.
Quickly.
Quickly.
You don't think
they're gonna...?
Oh, I have no idea.
Try not to think about it.
Wow. He really is good.
Dad,
I bought you these headphones
so that I wouldn't be
subjected to your sports drivel.
Please put them on.
All right, I will.
But only if you say it.
I want you... to wear
those headphones.
I don't know why you care.
You're just gonna
be out riding on that
stupid parade float.
The KACL Fourth of
July float is not stupid.
Unless you think it is stupid
to commemorate a hardy band
of revolutionaries,
their minds ablaze...
Hey, you're right!
This does cut
out all the drivel.
Oh, hi, Daph.
My God, you look hideous.
Thank you.
I wouldn't normally
wear polyester
on the hottest day of the year,
but some English friends of mine
are having an
Ugly American party
in honor of the Fourth.
We're going to toss back
a couple of cold brewskis,
watch the ball game
and not use the metric system.
Oh, hello, Niles.
Oh, hello, Uncle Sam.
Didn't you just hand me
a flyer for a mattress sale?
Uh, listen, Roz is
running a little late,
so we're just gonna meet
her downstairs, all right?
Dad!
We're off! See you later.
Oh, okay. Good luck.
Boy, these are great.
Now I can watch TV
without bugging anybody.
♪ My bacon is Farmer
Frank's bacon ♪
♪ There's no
mistakin' the quality... ♪
Wait a minute.
Is my bunting
adroop? It's supposed
to drape evenly.
Oh, for God's sake.
You're not going to send me back
to the Space Needle
with binoculars
and a walkie-talkie
again, are you?
No, there's no time for that.
We can fix it on the fly.
It'll just take a second.
Niles, you grab that end.
Excuse me.
This shouldn't come
off like this, should it?
Oh, dear. Um, here.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Dad!
Hey, Dad. Dad!
Mr. Crane.
Dad!
Dad!
Mr. Crane.
Dad! Dad! Dad!
He can't hear us.
We're stuck out here.
What are we going to do?
Let's not panic. Maybe
some of our neighbors
are on their balconies.
Hello! Hello!
Yeah. Mr. Winston, are you home?
Hello? Hello?!
The Blue Angels!
Wow.
What?
Locked out!
Dad! Dad! Martin!
Mr. Crane! Martin! Dad!
Oh...
Roz, how long does
a baseball match last?
Well, usually three hours.
Oh, dear.
This sucks. I don't
even have my cell phone.
Don't you have your
cell phone, Frasier?
Roz, I'm Uncle Sam.
I don't have a cell phone.
I shouldn't even
have this zipper.
It's going to be a
hundred degrees out here.
I'm roasting in these things.
That's it. These
clothes are coming off.
That's all right,
Niles. Allow me.
Daphne.
Coming.
Hello. Crane residence.
Oh, hello, Mum.
Happy Thanksgiving.
It's the holiday where
everyone eats turkey.
No, we're having goose.
Daphne, when you're
finished with that,
could you please bring us some
snacks to soak up this wine?
Yes, and a little more wine.
Who knew my sorrows would
be such strong swimmers?
I can't talk right now, Mum.
Dr. Crane has guests.
Yeah, he's still out of work.
Of course I'm worried
he might let me go.
I worry about it every day.
But I'm coping.
Alice is so cute.
She fell asleep
hugging her bottle.
I'm right behind her.
Niles, would you please
stop being so morose?
It is Thanksgiving.
Oh, you're right.
I should count my blessings.
I'm in the midst
of a bitter divorce.
Maris is freezing my assets,
forcing me to live
in the Shangri-la
which is the devil's
own apartment complex
where last night, they
turned off my heat,
re-freezing my assets.
We're all going through
a bit of a rough patch.
Look at Roz and
me. We're out of a job.
Oh, not me.
I just took a phone temp
job in customer service.
I can work from wherever I am.
They just patch
the calls through.
Well, now, you see.
There's a positive attitude.
Some people see losing
a job as an opportunity.
Oh, thank you, Daphne.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
Yes, this is Monique.
I'm just lying in the tub,
soaping myself all over...
Good heavens, Roz!
Is that the sort of
customer you're servicing?
Hang that up!
Call me later, tiger, okay?
What? It pays the bills.
And I'm not tied to a desk.
Not unless they ask you to be.
Good news. The
Cowboys just scored.
Bad news is, I kind of screamed
and woke somebody's baby up.
Oh, Daphne,
my bath salts man
has just delivered
a new shipment
of my proprietary blend.
Could you please
run me a tub tonight?
Of course I will, Dr. Crane.
What would you do without me?
A little more?
I know things have
been tough lately.
But they'll turn around for you.
Just watch.
She's an angel.
You're right, Frasier...
I'm being too morose.
Not taking action.
I'm telling Daphne
I love her tonight.
Niles, let's not be rash.
Come on, let's get
you some fresh air.
I don't want air. I want Daphne!
Hello.
Well, thank you.
You've got a nice
deep voice, too.
Oh, I don't know...
Uh, brown pants
and a plaid shirt.
Hello? Hello?
Is everything all right?
What's wrong with Niles?
He decided that today's the day
he's going to tell Daphne.
He's going to tell
Daphne with all of us here?
That's gonna be uncomfortable.
I know, but I guess he figures he
just can't afford to wait any longer.
All right, Niles...
Niles, Niles, please.
Daphne...
Dr. Crane, I know
what you're going to do.
You do?
Not you, Dr. Crane... Dr. Crane.
And you can't fire
me because I quit.
What?!
After all I've done
to save you money.
I'm washing my
face with dish soap
while you're out buying
imported bath salts
like a big rich girl.
I hope you rot in
debtor's prison!
She's an angel.
I'll pick you up
at 7:00, my angel.
You'd better get used to
the name Evelyn Griebel,
because you're going
to be hearing an awful lot
of it around here.
Evelyn Griebel.
Sounds like music, doesn't it?
Haven't you only been
dating her a week?
Well, yes,
and you know how loath I
am to use the expression,
"She may be the one,"
but I think in this
case it's appropriate.
I finally got Maris calmed down.
I hope you're happy.
All I said was, "Maris,
why the long face?"
Yes, and now she's on the phone
to her chin grinder in Zurich.
I'll get that.
It's probably Roz.
Well?
Sorry I'm late,
but I had a date.
Yes. I thought
that was last night.
It was a good date.
How's your new girlfriend?
I allowed her to climb
to the first base camp
on Mt. Crane, and I believe
she's feeling the
effects of the altitude.
Is one of them nausea?
I'm getting that now.
Oh, shut up.
You hungry, Roz?
There's cheese here.
Oh, nobody opened it.
Dear God, Dad,
that's three years old.
Throw it out.
No, it'll be fine.
You sure you don't want any?
The label says it's
"famously spreadable."
Funny, Roz, doesn't your
label say the same thing?
What does yours say, Niles?
"May cause drowsiness"?
I'm just having some fun.
'Cause I know I'll be
settling down soon.
Yes, well, thank God
my dating days are over.
Three years on the
Seattle singles scene
is quite enough, thank you.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Evelyn.
She can't go five minutes
without talking to me.
Listen, I'm really looking
forward to dinner tomorrow.
I see.
Well, if tomorrow's no good...
I see.
But you said you were
having such a lovely time.
I see.
Perhaps I'd better
take this in my room.
Oh, what are you smirking at?!
What are you staring at?
It's 14.
What?
You're reading about
Jack Russell terriers, right?
That's how many years they live.
14.
Oh, hello, Niles.
There are the merry bachelors
in their swinging new pad.
Where's Maris?
She's taken to her bed.
This large earring fad
has compressed her spine.
Where is your, uh, enchanting
new home healthcare worker?
I just found out what
that second toilet
in me loo is for.
Talk about a shock.
Hello there.
Hello. You're, uh...
Oh, don't tell me.
I'm good with names.
Uh... Miles Crane.
Yes, I am.
And, and, you're...
Daphne Moon from Manchester,
where you developed a liking
for Knickerson's Lemon Biscuits.
What a kind man
you are, Miles Crane.
Oh, by the way,
I've invited Roz
Doyle to join us.
She's my producer
over at the radio station.
She had no plans this evening.
You know, I think the poor thing
has a hard time meeting men.
Anyway...
Would you care
for a scotch, Niles?
Yes... Actually...
No, I'm in a sherry
mood tonight.
Sherry?
What an intriguing idea.
I think I can scare
up a bottle of sherry.
Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Come on in. I'd like
you to meet my dad.
This is Martin Crane
and his home healthcare
worker Daphne Moon,
and, of course, this is
my brother... Niles Crane.
Oh, God, is it Niles?
I feel so embarrassed.
Oh, no, please don't be.
Actually, I prefer Miles.
Oh, that'll be my pizza.
Would you get it?
What?
You are not having pizza.
I made a duck.
What, you're going to tell
me what I can eat now?
No, I'm just
saying that it's rude
to bring your own
food to a dinner party.
Hi.
Hello.
12 bucks.
Right.
Hey, aren't you that
new radio shrink at KACL,
Dr. Frasier Crane, right?
Yes, I am.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
Actually, I'm in the
radio game myself.
This pizza thing is
just paying the bills
until a job opens up.
Maybe you could put a
good word in for me down...
The pizza smells good.
Have some.
It's called "The Dirty Dozen."
12 delicious toppings,
and not one of them duck.
This from the gourmet
who dumped my Cornish
Yarg cheese down the disposal.
It was covered with mold.
It was supposed to be!
Well, I said I'd
replace it, didn't I?
Here it is. Hope you're happy.
With "pasteurized, processed
cheese-flavored snack food."
Dear God.
Looks like someone
melted down a highway cone.
I was just trying to be nice.
You don't need to
be a jerk about it.
You're right, Dad. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Would you please
join me in the kitchen...
Miles!
He is driving me batty.
All right, we are making a deal.
He spends six months here
and then he's moving
into your house.
Absolutely. We'll switch off.
Someone bring me a beer?
Yeah, beer sound good.
I should have just gotten a keg.
I'll tell you something...
This is the last time
I try to make a nice
dinner for these people.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey.
Dinner's ready.
All right.
Hello, you guys. Come on in.
Dinner is served.
Hello, Martin.
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION
Yeah, I had a great
time today, too, Charlotte.
Oh, nothing really.
I'm having the
folks over for dinner.
Just the family and Roz.
Well, I've done it a
thousand times before.
Okay, then, I'll, uh,
see you tomorrow.
Bye.
For God's sake.
This thing...
breaks like crockwork.
Crockwork.
I'll tell you.
Frasier, once again,
you suffer the tragedy
of being clever and alone.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Would you please
throw that thing away?
Why? What for?
When I get through gluing it,
it'll be as good as new.
It wasn't any good
when it was new.
It's just an ugly,
worthless pot.
Oh. Hello.
Hi. How was the honeymoon?
Oh, Tahiti was
absolute paradise,
except for poor Niles
getting sunburned.
Oh, dear, Niles.
You look like you
crawled out of a bisque.
And you look like
someone who doesn't want
his Paul Gauguin
souvenir oven mitt.
Niles, you remembered.
Hey, guys.
Welcome back.
Hello, Martin. Hey.
You're a bit dressed
up for a family dinner.
Oh, well, Roz is dropping by
with someone she
wanted me to meet.
Ooh, a lady friend?
No, we're going to
form a jazz trio, Niles.
Of course it's a lady friend,
you cherry-faced fool.
So you want us to clear out?
No, no, no, you
don't have to do that.
Actually, if I don't like her,
Roz will just take her away.
We've agreed upon a
safety word... Enchanté.
If circumstances should
dictate, all I have to do is say it
and Roz will know
that I'm not interested.
Niles, would you
mind getting that?
That's probably Roz.
I'm just going to get rid
of Dad's arts and crafts
project here, all right?
Hi, Roz.
Hey, you guys are back.
Hey, Martin. Hi, Roz.
This is my friend Lizbeth.
How are ya?
Good, good.
That's all right. Yes.
This is Daphne and Martin and...
Hi.
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Oh, please. Frasier
has the greatest wine.
Oh, sounds good to me.
Life's too short to
drink bad wine, right?
Amen to that.
Just a half a glass
with club soda.
You know how I love my spritzer.
Frasier.
What? Oh, hi.
Roz, what a pleasant surprise.
This is Lizbeth. We
were just shopping
in the neighborhood
and thought we'd stop by.
How lovely. It's a pleasure
to meet you, Elizabeth.
It's not Elizabeth.
It's Lizbeth.
Ah. Like "Lisbon."
Like a what?
Enchanté.
Right,
and meeting you
is just... super.
Yes, the feeling is mutual.
Enchanté. Enchanté. Enchanté.
Oh, and for me, it's just
been super. Super, super.
I took a shot.
Yes. Yeah. Okay.
Well, I guess we can stop
shaking hands now.
Oh, well, I'm ready
whenever you are.
Well, then just let go.
I did. You're holding on to me.
Oh, dear.
Dad, what kind of glue
were you using on that pot?
Super.
How could you be so
stupid to glue us together?
I thought you said he was smart.
Don't panic. I-I seem to recall
that Super Glue can be
dissolved with acetone.
You know, nail polish remover.
He's the smart one.
How did you know that?
I knew that from, from school.
School lunches!
The Kriezel
brothers used to glue
a cafeteria tray to his tie.
Well, I suppose
we better get some.
Let's go to the drugstore.
Drugstore. Oh. I gotta go.
No, they'll be back
in ten minutes.
No, no, no, I-I gotta go.
I started the new juice diet
and I got 64 ounces
of cran-raspberry
looking for a new home.
Oh, for God's sake.
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh... Here.
Just, just come right in here.
There we are.
Yes, uh, all right,
just a moment. Uh...
Are you there?
Almost.
That's close enough!
Could you maybe
put on some music?
Dad, could you put on
some music, please?
Yeah. Sure. What do
you want? Pop? Big band?
Oh, for God's sakes, just
turn the damn thing on!
Sorry I'm late. Mm-hmm.
The Cinco de Mayo
traffic was muy malo.
Oh, yes, that's right.
They closed some streets
for the fireworks display.
Well, happy birthday, Roz.
Yeah, happy birthday.
Whatever.
Used to be I'd go out and
get a little wild on my birthday.
Now I go out and
get a little dinner.
There's nothing
wrong with dinner.
I know, but it used
to come with sex.
Come on, Roz.
Sounds like you need a drink.
Oh, that used to
come with sex, too.
Sounds like we've
got another passenger
on the SS Ain't Gettin' Any.
Hello. Hi, Niles.
Wonderful day, marvelous day.
You two look grand.
Where's Daphne?
Who shoved a bluebird in you?
You know the SS Ain't
Gettin' Any? Man overboard.
You and Daphne?
Last night, Daphne and I
engaged in sweet carnal delights.
Did you say "carnal"
or "caramel"?
I gotta go wrap
Roz's birthday gift.
Oh! I forgot about
Roz's birthday.
You don't have anything
I could give her, do you?
Well, let's look.
Maybe one of
these books. Just...
For God's sake, Niles.
I mean... How could
you forget her birthday?
It's the whole reason
we're having dinner.
Oh, forgive me. I've been
a little distracted lately.
Especially last night.
And again this morning.
Niles. Oh...
Oh, dear God.
If Daphne knew I was
speaking so indiscreetly,
she'd be mortified.
And just when I
thought I'd worn him out,
he flips me over
like a griddle cake
and off we go again.
Niles?
I couldn't catch me breath.
It was like a marathon.
I tell you, he spoilt
me for any other man.
Frasier's brother Niles?
And guess how he
woke me up this morning.
Oh, shut up already.
Okay, birthday girl.
Come on over here
and open some gifts.
Hello.
Hello, yourself.
All right, you two,
let's pay attention.
This is Roz's birthday.
This gift is from Niles.
Happy birthday, Roz.
It's a crock.
With a chipped lid...
and a dead bee.
Thank you, Niles.
Glad you like it.
Oh, you know, I-I think I
left your present in my room.
Niles, will you help me with it?
Oh, of course.
We'll be back very quickie.
Quickly.
Quickly.
You don't think
they're gonna...?
Oh, I have no idea.
Try not to think about it.
Wow. He really is good.
Dad,
I bought you these headphones
so that I wouldn't be
subjected to your sports drivel.
Please put them on.
All right, I will.
But only if you say it.
I want you... to wear
those headphones.
I don't know why you care.
You're just gonna
be out riding on that
stupid parade float.
The KACL Fourth of
July float is not stupid.
Unless you think it is stupid
to commemorate a hardy band
of revolutionaries,
their minds ablaze...
Hey, you're right!
This does cut
out all the drivel.
Oh, hi, Daph.
My God, you look hideous.
Thank you.
I wouldn't normally
wear polyester
on the hottest day of the year,
but some English friends of mine
are having an
Ugly American party
in honor of the Fourth.
We're going to toss back
a couple of cold brewskis,
watch the ball game
and not use the metric system.
Oh, hello, Niles.
Oh, hello, Uncle Sam.
Didn't you just hand me
a flyer for a mattress sale?
Uh, listen, Roz is
running a little late,
so we're just gonna meet
her downstairs, all right?
Dad!
We're off! See you later.
Oh, okay. Good luck.
Boy, these are great.
Now I can watch TV
without bugging anybody.
♪ My bacon is Farmer
Frank's bacon ♪
♪ There's no
mistakin' the quality... ♪
Wait a minute.
Is my bunting
adroop? It's supposed
to drape evenly.
Oh, for God's sake.
You're not going to send me back
to the Space Needle
with binoculars
and a walkie-talkie
again, are you?
No, there's no time for that.
We can fix it on the fly.
It'll just take a second.
Niles, you grab that end.
Excuse me.
This shouldn't come
off like this, should it?
Oh, dear. Um, here.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Dad!
Hey, Dad. Dad!
Mr. Crane.
Dad!
Dad!
Mr. Crane.
Dad! Dad! Dad!
He can't hear us.
We're stuck out here.
What are we going to do?
Let's not panic. Maybe
some of our neighbors
are on their balconies.
Hello! Hello!
Yeah. Mr. Winston, are you home?
Hello? Hello?!
The Blue Angels!
Wow.
What?
Locked out!
Dad! Dad! Martin!
Mr. Crane! Martin! Dad!
Oh...
Roz, how long does
a baseball match last?
Well, usually three hours.
Oh, dear.
This sucks. I don't
even have my cell phone.
Don't you have your
cell phone, Frasier?
Roz, I'm Uncle Sam.
I don't have a cell phone.
I shouldn't even
have this zipper.
It's going to be a
hundred degrees out here.
I'm roasting in these things.
That's it. These
clothes are coming off.
That's all right,
Niles. Allow me.
Daphne.
Coming.
Hello. Crane residence.
Oh, hello, Mum.
Happy Thanksgiving.
It's the holiday where
everyone eats turkey.
No, we're having goose.
Daphne, when you're
finished with that,
could you please bring us some
snacks to soak up this wine?
Yes, and a little more wine.
Who knew my sorrows would
be such strong swimmers?
I can't talk right now, Mum.
Dr. Crane has guests.
Yeah, he's still out of work.
Of course I'm worried
he might let me go.
I worry about it every day.
But I'm coping.
Alice is so cute.
She fell asleep
hugging her bottle.
I'm right behind her.
Niles, would you please
stop being so morose?
It is Thanksgiving.
Oh, you're right.
I should count my blessings.
I'm in the midst
of a bitter divorce.
Maris is freezing my assets,
forcing me to live
in the Shangri-la
which is the devil's
own apartment complex
where last night, they
turned off my heat,
re-freezing my assets.
We're all going through
a bit of a rough patch.
Look at Roz and
me. We're out of a job.
Oh, not me.
I just took a phone temp
job in customer service.
I can work from wherever I am.
They just patch
the calls through.
Well, now, you see.
There's a positive attitude.
Some people see losing
a job as an opportunity.
Oh, thank you, Daphne.
Hello.
Oh, hello.
Yes, this is Monique.
I'm just lying in the tub,
soaping myself all over...
Good heavens, Roz!
Is that the sort of
customer you're servicing?
Hang that up!
Call me later, tiger, okay?
What? It pays the bills.
And I'm not tied to a desk.
Not unless they ask you to be.
Good news. The
Cowboys just scored.
Bad news is, I kind of screamed
and woke somebody's baby up.
Oh, Daphne,
my bath salts man
has just delivered
a new shipment
of my proprietary blend.
Could you please
run me a tub tonight?
Of course I will, Dr. Crane.
What would you do without me?
A little more?
I know things have
been tough lately.
But they'll turn around for you.
Just watch.
She's an angel.
You're right, Frasier...
I'm being too morose.
Not taking action.
I'm telling Daphne
I love her tonight.
Niles, let's not be rash.
Come on, let's get
you some fresh air.
I don't want air. I want Daphne!
Hello.
Well, thank you.
You've got a nice
deep voice, too.
Oh, I don't know...
Uh, brown pants
and a plaid shirt.
Hello? Hello?
Is everything all right?
What's wrong with Niles?
He decided that today's the day
he's going to tell Daphne.
He's going to tell
Daphne with all of us here?
That's gonna be uncomfortable.
I know, but I guess he figures he
just can't afford to wait any longer.
All right, Niles...
Niles, Niles, please.
Daphne...
Dr. Crane, I know
what you're going to do.
You do?
Not you, Dr. Crane... Dr. Crane.
And you can't fire
me because I quit.
What?!
After all I've done
to save you money.
I'm washing my
face with dish soap
while you're out buying
imported bath salts
like a big rich girl.
I hope you rot in
debtor's prison!
She's an angel.
I'll pick you up
at 7:00, my angel.
You'd better get used to
the name Evelyn Griebel,
because you're going
to be hearing an awful lot
of it around here.
Evelyn Griebel.
Sounds like music, doesn't it?
Haven't you only been
dating her a week?
Well, yes,
and you know how loath I
am to use the expression,
"She may be the one,"
but I think in this
case it's appropriate.
I finally got Maris calmed down.
I hope you're happy.
All I said was, "Maris,
why the long face?"
Yes, and now she's on the phone
to her chin grinder in Zurich.
I'll get that.
It's probably Roz.
Well?
Sorry I'm late,
but I had a date.
Yes. I thought
that was last night.
It was a good date.
How's your new girlfriend?
I allowed her to climb
to the first base camp
on Mt. Crane, and I believe
she's feeling the
effects of the altitude.
Is one of them nausea?
I'm getting that now.
Oh, shut up.
You hungry, Roz?
There's cheese here.
Oh, nobody opened it.
Dear God, Dad,
that's three years old.
Throw it out.
No, it'll be fine.
You sure you don't want any?
The label says it's
"famously spreadable."
Funny, Roz, doesn't your
label say the same thing?
What does yours say, Niles?
"May cause drowsiness"?
I'm just having some fun.
'Cause I know I'll be
settling down soon.
Yes, well, thank God
my dating days are over.
Three years on the
Seattle singles scene
is quite enough, thank you.
Hello.
Oh, hi, Evelyn.
She can't go five minutes
without talking to me.
Listen, I'm really looking
forward to dinner tomorrow.
I see.
Well, if tomorrow's no good...
I see.
But you said you were
having such a lovely time.
I see.
Perhaps I'd better
take this in my room.
Oh, what are you smirking at?!
What are you staring at?
It's 14.
What?
You're reading about
Jack Russell terriers, right?
That's how many years they live.
14.
Oh, hello, Niles.
There are the merry bachelors
in their swinging new pad.
Where's Maris?
She's taken to her bed.
This large earring fad
has compressed her spine.
Where is your, uh, enchanting
new home healthcare worker?
I just found out what
that second toilet
in me loo is for.
Talk about a shock.
Hello there.
Hello. You're, uh...
Oh, don't tell me.
I'm good with names.
Uh... Miles Crane.
Yes, I am.
And, and, you're...
Daphne Moon from Manchester,
where you developed a liking
for Knickerson's Lemon Biscuits.
What a kind man
you are, Miles Crane.
Oh, by the way,
I've invited Roz
Doyle to join us.
She's my producer
over at the radio station.
She had no plans this evening.
You know, I think the poor thing
has a hard time meeting men.
Anyway...
Would you care
for a scotch, Niles?
Yes... Actually...
No, I'm in a sherry
mood tonight.
Sherry?
What an intriguing idea.
I think I can scare
up a bottle of sherry.
Oh, I'll get it.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Come on in. I'd like
you to meet my dad.
This is Martin Crane
and his home healthcare
worker Daphne Moon,
and, of course, this is
my brother... Niles Crane.
Oh, God, is it Niles?
I feel so embarrassed.
Oh, no, please don't be.
Actually, I prefer Miles.
Oh, that'll be my pizza.
Would you get it?
What?
You are not having pizza.
I made a duck.
What, you're going to tell
me what I can eat now?
No, I'm just
saying that it's rude
to bring your own
food to a dinner party.
Hi.
Hello.
12 bucks.
Right.
Hey, aren't you that
new radio shrink at KACL,
Dr. Frasier Crane, right?
Yes, I am.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
Actually, I'm in the
radio game myself.
This pizza thing is
just paying the bills
until a job opens up.
Maybe you could put a
good word in for me down...
The pizza smells good.
Have some.
It's called "The Dirty Dozen."
12 delicious toppings,
and not one of them duck.
This from the gourmet
who dumped my Cornish
Yarg cheese down the disposal.
It was covered with mold.
It was supposed to be!
Well, I said I'd
replace it, didn't I?
Here it is. Hope you're happy.
With "pasteurized, processed
cheese-flavored snack food."
Dear God.
Looks like someone
melted down a highway cone.
I was just trying to be nice.
You don't need to
be a jerk about it.
You're right, Dad. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Would you please
join me in the kitchen...
Miles!
He is driving me batty.
All right, we are making a deal.
He spends six months here
and then he's moving
into your house.
Absolutely. We'll switch off.
Someone bring me a beer?
Yeah, beer sound good.
I should have just gotten a keg.
I'll tell you something...
This is the last time
I try to make a nice
dinner for these people.
Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey.
Dinner's ready.
All right.
Hello, you guys. Come on in.
Dinner is served.
Hello, Martin.