Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 20 - And Frasier Makes Three - full transcript

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Just the man I want
to see. Coffee, please.

Niles, Niles, please...?

You will not believe
the morning I've had...

Would you be terribly
offended if I asked you

just not to talk about
it and sit quietly?

Can I at least tell you...?

Shh-shh. Please, I do not
have time for your folderol today.

I am meeting
Charlotte for lunch,

and I am planning my
strategy on how to win her over.

I thought you said
she has a boyfriend,



this environmentalist fellow.

Yes. Frank. Well,
so... Thank you.

What's your plan
to get around him?

I'm merely going to present
myself as the anti-Frank.

Ah, so you're going to be
not rugged and not handsome.

No.

You also could be not
passionate and not committed.

Very funny. Maybe she'd like you

if you were not interesting
and not informed.

Niles!

Well, you said my
day was folderol!

Sometimes it is!

I don't believe
you. Well, it's true.

My roommate and I used to listen



to your show every
day, just for you.

We fell in love with your voice.

Really?

It's just a voice.

Well, all the guys on
my floor listen to you.

To our show?

Yeah.

Boy, things sure have
changed since I was in college.

Mmm. Well, it wasn't exactly
college. More like prison.

Oh, so was mine.

So, where'd you go?

Prison.

Oh.

So...

you fell in love with my voice?

Hi! Oh!

Charlotte, hi, hi. Hi.

You remember my brother, Niles?

Yes, Charlotte. Oh, hello!

How are you? Hi.

Well, frustrated.
I've been selling

this guy all over town,
but no one's buying.

Oh, well, perhaps if
you'd throw in a toaster.

Oh!

I just have to call Frank
before we head out.

Oh, right.

So, everything's settled
between the two of you?

Oh, yeah, he came
over last night.

I don't even remember
what we were fighting about.

You know what that
means, don't you?!

They had a long night
of acrobatic makeup sex.

I just thought of another way
you could be the anti-Frank.

Niles? Hmm?

Keep an eye out
for her, will you?

What are you doing?

Research.

Frasier! Frasier! Foul play!

All is fair in love and war.

That's interesting.

An anthology of Irish plays.

It's perfect!

What do you know
about Irish plays?

Nothing, but not for long.

There's one area where no
man has ever bested me, Niles.

Homework!

Oh, uh, Charlotte, listen.

I was just beeped by a patient

who's-who's desperate to see me.

So, do you mind
if we just switch

lunch for dinner?

Actually, that's better for me.

I have four new
clients coming in.

Just think, the
woman of your dreams

may be sitting in my
office this afternoon.

Indeed she may.

Oh, Monsieur, it is so
nice to see you again.

Your special table
is ready for you.

And the wine? As you
requested, Monsieur.

Right. And the roses?
I'm so sorry, Monsieur.

I felt that the
scent would distract

from the wine's
distinctive bouquet.

You forgot them, didn't
you? Yes, forgive me.

For God's sake, Georges!

Send a busboy out to pick
some wildflowers, please.

Very good, Monsieur.

Gee, you kind of sprinted
ahead of me there.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, I just wanted to make
sure that we could get a good table.

Here, come and sit.

This place is kind of
fancy for a working dinner.

Yes, well, after the rigors of
your camping trip with Frank,

I thought that you
deserved a little elegance.

Thank you.

So, good news.

I met this great woman today.

How do you feel

about dating someone
a little taller than you?

How much taller?

I don't know exactly,

but I did have to
turn off the ceiling fan.

Well, let's just put her in
the "maybe" pile, shall we?

Hi, sweetie.

Sorry to interrupt. I
know you're working.

Oh... Frank, you know
Frasier. Yes, yes, of course.

Nice to see again, Frasier.
Good to see you, Frank.

I just need the keys
to your apartment.

I left my blue field
notebook there,

and I want to double-check
some old whale songs

I copied down. Oh, sure.

Been in a boat all day
recording whale songs,

and I think we might have had

a really big interpretive
breakthrough.

Oh! You must tell
us about it sometime.

That's a great wine.
Can I steal a glass?

Yeah, here. You
don't mind, do you?

N-No, no. Not at all.

Although, as the Irish say,

"A man takes a drink,

"the drink takes a drink,

the drink takes the man."

That's very good.

"As the old cock crows,
the young cock learns."

Yes, well, wasn't it
O'Casey who once wrote:

"The Irish treat a
serious thing as a joke

and a joke as a serious thing"?

Well, you'd really have
to ask Frank about that.

He's the one who
loves Irish literature.

He lent me an anthology, but I
haven't made much of a dent in it.

I'm sorry, honey, I'm trying.

I know you are, baby.

The flowers as you
requested, Monsieur.

I'm sorry. I thought
you were to be deux.

Yes, well, now we are trois.

Thank you, Georges.

Uh, could you bring us
another glass, please?

Yes, I understand, Monsieur.

It is most sophisticated of you.

Frasier, you ordered
these flowers?

Well, the table
just looked so bare.

These are great choices, man.

These are all
Washington wildflowers.

Remember, from our hike?

Foxglove, fine-tooth
penstemon, harsh paintbrush...

Ah!

Remember this one?

Oh, it's on the
tip of my tongue...

Monkey flower. Monkey flower.

Yes, often confused
with the chimp pansy.

Frank made the
same joke this morning.

Oh!

Yeah. Great minds.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

Oh.

Terrific.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi. Hey, look at
you, Mr. Handsome.

Oh, thanks.

We're going to go hear
Ronee sing at the Rendezvous.

And then afterwards,
I am going to give her

her engagement ring.

Oh! Let's have a look.

Oh, Martin, it's beautiful.

She's going to love this.

Oh, thanks. You
know, I forgot I had it.

I bought it years
ago for Sherry,

but then we broke up.

You can't give
Ronee a used ring.

Sherry never even touched it.

It doesn't matter.

Ronee deserves something
that you picked out just for her.

Well, she'll think I
picked this out just for her.

But you didn't. But
she'll think I did.

But you didn't.

You'll have to sell that one
and buy Ronee a new one.

Oh, what's the difference?

Niles, come on. Back me up here.

You can't be serious.

Oh, geez.

Fine.

Back in the vault.

Some vault!

It's an old cigar box

with a bunch of silver
dollars and Eddie's baby teeth.

Oh, hey, Roz. What
are you doing here?

Oh, hi. I was just
shopping around the corner.

Thought I'd stop by.

Oh, gosh. Well,
unfortunately, I have a date.

That's okay.

I have one myself, with Steve.

Oh, yes, your convict friend.

Do you think that's wise?

The man made one mistake.

Besides, I don't know any guy

who's not a little
fascinated by fire.

Yes, and a felon now
knows where you live.

I'm not a total idiot.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, hi, Steve.

I'm grabbing my
coat. I'll be right down.

You...

So, you have a date tonight?

Yes, yes, actually,

Charlotte and I have been
out three times this week.

We have been
wine-tasting, beachcombing,

and we actually shared a blanket

in a horse-drawn carriage.

I take it Frank's off in
the mountains again.

Oh, no. He was there, too.

Let's go.

You mean, it's been
the three of you all week?

Well, it's not
exactly how I want it,

but the more time
I spend with them,

the less time they get
to spend alone together.

It doesn't bother Frank, you
tagging along on their dates?

Frank? No. In fact,
he's quite taken with me.

Doesn't even occur to
him that I might be a rival.

Galling, yes, but it
does give me more time

to work my magic on Charlotte.

In another week, you
can kiss Frank good-bye.

Maybe we'll wait
till there's not a line.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Gangsta!

What it is!

So, what's going on? I thought
we were meeting downtown.

I know. I'm sorry. But
can we stay in tonight?

I've got to get up early
and catch a flight to Chicago

for some divorce stuff,

and Frank's beat.

Yeah, I was at the beach all day

cataloguing the stomach contents

of a dead elephant seal.

It was like all-you-can-eat
down at The Lobster Pot.

I'm sorry.

The collapse of our
coastal fisheries is no joke.

I'm just punchy.

We brought some movies.

We couldn't agree
on which one to watch,

so you break the tie.

Well...

Hmm.

"The Perfect Storm..."

or "When Harry Met Sally."

I guess I'm going to have to
go for When Harry Met Sally.

Yes! He'll have what I'm having!

Oh, hi! Hey.

We keep passing
each other. Yeah.

We have some dessert
here, if you want to stay.

Oh, no thanks. I've got
to catch an early flight,

but tell Frasier I'll call him?

Sure. Bye.

Bye-bye.

Do I know her?

Yeah, she's the woman
Frasier's been after.

She has a boyfriend already,
but maybe something happened.

I'll say! You don't get
that hairstyle sitting up.

Aw, geez.

Well...

so long as he's happy.

Oh, hi, guys.

Hey, Dad. FRASIER:
Hey, Daphne, Niles.

Listen, the opera tickets
are right there by the phone.

Wish I could use them myself.

Well, if you'd gotten a third,

you could take that
couple you've been dating.

Yes, that's very droll.

Frank injured
himself on our hike,

so I've got Charlotte all
to myself this evening.

I'm not going to
waste this opportunity.

I'm going to make
her a romantic dinner

and then tell her
how I feel about her.

Wow, really?

Are, are you sure
she's ready for that?

Well, I don't know,
but I can't stand

this ridiculous
threesome anymore.

You know, the worst part is
how completely unthreatening

Frank finds me, as if I'm
some sort of a harem eunuch.

How'd he hurt himself, anyway?

Well, he strained his back
carrying me over a brook.

You wounded him, and you're
stealing his woman in the same day?

Well, I didn't ask
the man to carry me.

He simply hoisted
me over his shoulder

before I could stop him.

That's not something
you get used to,

no matter how many
times it happens.

Don't you worry about it.
You just do what you gotta do.

Thanks, Dad.

Wish me luck.

I'm making her beef
bourguignon from a new recipe.

Good luck.

Flour the beef.

Mm, you're looking very sharp.

Oh, I got the new ring.

Oh, let's have a look.

I sold the old one

and got this new
one this morning.

Oh. Dad, it's huge.

Oh, it's beautiful, Martin.

Yeah.

Hi. Hey.

What's going on?

Nothing.

Oh, you look lovely tonight.

But, you know, I think

your hand is kind
of underdressed.

Oh, my God!

Marty, it's gorgeous.

Oh, I love it, and I love you.

In that order.

Thank you.

Listen, I've got to
go wash my hands.

I was eating Cheetos
all the way over.

I love this lady.

Oh, let's have a look.

Oh, it's brilliant.

Oh, you had it inscribed.

I did?

"Lil Q-Pid. Til def do us part."

What is that?

What? Let me see that.

Isn't Lil Q-Pid
that obese rapper?

The one they arrested for drugs.

Where did you get this ring?

At an auction.

A police auction.

You can't give that to her.

Well, I can't take it
back. She loves it.

What are you gonna tell her?

Well, just relax,
I'll handle it.

Well, there's my lil cupid.

All beautiful and clean.

All you need is a bow
and arrow, lil cupid.

Why are you calling me that?

Well, I always call you that.

No, no, you don't.

Oh, well, maybe I mostly
say it when you're not around

Oh, yes.

It's always "lil
cupid said this"

or "lil cupid did that."

It looks beautiful on you.

Thank you.

Now promise me you'll
never take it off, lil cupid.

Okay, okay, I promise,

if you'll stop calling me that.

Deal.

I'm going to go look
at this in the mirror.

How did you get it to fit her?

Lil Q-Pid's as big as a house.

Keep your voice down.

It was a toe ring.

Here we are, beef bourguignon,

with sautéed fiddlehead ferns,

and walnut chutney.

It's my own recipe.

It's exactly what I need
after the day I've had.

Well, maybe I could
give you a neck rub

while it cools.

Oh, you're the best.

I'm so sorry you've
had to put up with

all this business
with me and Frank.

What business?

Well, you know.

Just all this
tension between us.

There's tension?

He's a great guy.

We just seem to be...

I don't know...

Fighting? Growing apart?

Not clicking?

Charlotte?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

It's my watch. It's caught.

Here...

Should have known.

The minute I'm laid up,

you're over here
making my lady dinner.

You're true blue, buddy.

Hi, baby.

Hello, Frank.

Walnut chutney. That's daring.

Were you giving her a backrub?

Was I?

Well, yes, yes, I suppose I was.

Would you mind doing me?

I took an aspirin
after our hike,

but my neck's
still a little tight.

So tell me all about Chicago.

How was it?

I'll tell you later.

Oh, that's nice.

Frasier, stop rubbing his neck.

Sit down.

Why can't he rub my neck?

Because when you came in,

we were just sitting
down to dinner.

You could have called first.

Well, I didn't know I needed
to get clearance. Geez.

You're as touchy
as a Hermit Thrush.

This is typical of you.

You come in here,

you expect me to change my plans

because you're
suddenly available.

It's insensitive.

Oh, I'm insensitive?

I've been tracking a
pod of humpback whales

for a week, and they've
been talking their asses off,

but have you once asked
me what Bonnie has to say?

Or Robert or Grace?

They're whales!

They're my friends!

Stop yelling.

Look, you're upsetting Frasier.

I didn't do anything.

I came in, kissed you hello,
and you jumped down my throat.

What is your problem?

You are driving me crazy.

Do you believe her?

Don't you drag him into this.

You know what? I can't
deal with this tonight.

When can you deal with it?

I'll call ahead and
make an appointment.

I think you should leave.

Fine.

Come on, Frasier. Let's go.

Times like this, a guy
really needs his buddy.

Mm...

Hi.

Just wanted to see
how you're doing.

Tip-top.

How's your friend?

He went someplace dark.

I couldn't follow.

Him and his moods.

No, no, he climbed
some kind of pine tree.

Look, I'm sorry about all that.

I think this is it
for Frank and me.

Really?

It's just not working.

I think I was always attracted

to the idea of him
more than... him.

This may seem inappropriate,

but I'm not entirely
sad to hear you say that.

What do you mean?

I would think my feelings
were obvious by now,

all the time we've
been spending together.

I just thought it was because

you were hitting
it off with Frank.

Are you kidding?

The man smells like a chum boat.

You, you're the one
I wanted to be with.

Look, um...

I realize you're in
a vulnerable state,

and you probably need
some time to process this,

so I'll just, uh...

Don't go.

I've been thinking a
little about you, too.

Really?

Well, then...

Oh, God, I'm uncomfortable.

I'm sorry. I'm rushing things.

No, no, I'm just...

I'm laying on a wine bottle.

Good morning.

Oh, dear God.

Please tell me nothing
happened last night.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm glad you stayed.

Me, too.

Hey, guys.

You're in my robe.

I guess you got caught
in the rain, too, huh?

Yes, I did.

What happened to your hand?

I was so mad last night, I...

I punched a raccoon.

God, I'm a bastard.

You're a good guy
to come check on her.

I never understand why
women don't like you.

Can we talk?

Yeah, I think
that's a good idea.

Uh, my clothes
should be dry by now.

So what's going on with us?

Oh, come on, Frank.

I think you know
it's not working.

Yeah.

And, anyway, there is
something else you should know.

When I was in Chicago,

my ex told me he's
moving to New York.

So I bought the old
business from him.

I'm moving back home.

You sure about this?

Yeah.

I mean, I know Chicago.

I have friends there.

Seattle just hasn't
panned out for me.

I thought you should
be the first to know.

Well, I know you'll do great.

So will you.

Ah...

Uh, I should be going.

That's okay.

You stay. I'm going.

You know this isn't
your fault, right, partner?

You be good, buddy.

I know I should
feel sad for Frank,

but I can't help feeling happy.

Frasier, I...

Listen, I'm late for
about three things,

so can I see you
later this afternoon?

Maybe after my show?

Okay. After your show.

Perfect.

Uh, look, I hate
to jinx this, but...

I'm so glad about what happened.