Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 19 - Miss Right Now - full transcript

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Hey, you're up early.

Rain wake you?

Oh, I'm just a
little preoccupied.

Well, if there's
something on your mind,

you can tell me.

It won't be long
before I'm your mom.

I was actually going to
tell you before you said that.

Aw... come on.

Well, there's this woman I
can't seem to get off of my mind.

A woman with a boyfriend.



Hmm...

Well, why don't you
just get her drunk

and see what happens.

You are nothing like my mother.

Hey, Ronee, better get dressed.

You can't look like
that when she gets here.

Oh, she's not coming
for another hour.

Who?

Ronee's mother.

Your grandmother.

Stop that.

She's visiting with her
church group from Spokane.

Yeah, and if she sees
me dressed like this,

she'd know I spent the night



and then she'd be carping
about it the whole weekend.

What, she doesn't
approve of premarital sex?

Judging by the diving bell
she wore as a nightgown,

she wasn't real big on
postmarital sex, either.

Plus, I'm starting out
with one strike against me.

Mother still remembers
a night he drove me home

after baby-sitting you
and Niles, 30 years ago...

40 years ago.

I'm telling the story.

I was all weepy because
this guy had just dumped me.

And your father put his arm
around me just to be nice,

and Mom saw it and she thought

he was trying to
"rob me of my virtue."

Oh, that's crazy.

I know, like there was
anything left to rob.

Well, don't worry.

It's been a long time
since I've had to charm

the mother of one
of my girlfriends,

but believe me, it's
a skill you don't lose.

Dr. Crane?

Oh, Mrs. Lawrence.

How lovely to see you again.

Ronee should be here any minute.

Yes, well, I'm a little early.

Yes, um, there's no problem.

I'm not inconveniencing you?

No, not at all.

I could come back later.

I wouldn't think of it.

Well, then can I come in?

Yes... yes, of course.

Where are my manners?

Oh, let me take your coat.

Martin?

Hey, Ronee, we were just...

Wait... Mrs. Lawrence?

Wow, you look wonderful.

Ronee isn't here at the moment,

so why don't I
give you a little tour.

We can start in the kitchen.

Still all hands, I see.

Oh, sorry.

Well, Mrs. Lawrence,

the kitchen's right here.

You know, you look
the same as you did

the last time I saw you.

What are you saying,

that I looked like this at 40?

I'll get it!

Wait, it's pouring
rain outside. Here.

Why, look who's here.

It's Ronee!

Hey, you two. Hello.
Hey, oh, Frasier,

whatever plans you have
for this evening, cancel them.

I am taking you to a
fantastic new restaurant.

Well, all right.

Where are we going?

To Chez Paul? Kobu?

Burger, Burger, Burger.

Dear God, you're serious.

I know what you're thinking.

Not two days ago I
was just like you...

Too good to walk into any one

of their 71
convenient locations.

Then I dragged him in
there yesterday for lunch

when I was craving a bacon
cheeseburger-burger-burger.

He liked it so much,

he insisted we try The
Chick'n Bucket for dinner.

I guess he's got
the fast-food bug.

And which one would
that be... E. coli?

Now, keep an open mind.

After all, you've embraced
the peasant cuisine

of Italy and France.

Why shun the peasants
in our own backyard?

You've changed, Niles.

Oh, he hasn't changed that much.

He sent back his Big Slurp.

Good-bye, darling.

Thanks, Niles, but, you know,

I think I'll pass.

I'll spend the night in,
curled up with a good book.

I didn't get much
sleep last night.

So, Frasier, what was going on

with you at work today?

You seemed a little distracted.

I'm not really sure.

I can't stop thinking
about this woman I've met.

It's my matchmaker,
of all people.

Well, now, do you get a discount

if the matchmaker
sets you up with herself?

Sort of a... floor
model sort of thing?

I thought you were
kind of ticked off at her.

Well, I was and then, um,

we had dinner
together last night, and...

Gosh, we were just so
comfortable with each other.

It was like we'd known
each other for ages.

So ask her out.

Oh, I can't. She's
got a boyfriend.

Truth be told, I
don't even know why

I'm so obsessed with
her. I barely even know her.

Niles, listen.

Is it possible that this is
just a case of transference?

Oh, interesting.

Uh, a matchmaker is
not unlike a therapist.

You, uh, confide in
them and seek guidance.

It's only natural you'd
develop a little crush on her.

Yes, precisely.

How many times has
a patient fallen for you?

You first.

Niles, please, don't
be such a baby.

This is not a competition.

Eleven.

Thirteen.

You know, this is really a
weight off of my shoulders.

It's just simple transference.

Thank you, Niles.

Yes, well, I'm glad
I could be of help.

You know, when I said
11 earlier, actually...

Too late, Niles. Off you go.

Well, that's a relief.

Frasier.

Charlotte. Hi.

Uh, good to see you.

I'd like you to meet, uh...

Roz, Frasier's producer.

Hi.

You know, that
was fun last night.

Yes, it was. We should
do it again sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

When I'm back in town.

I'm going camping.

I didn't realize you were
an outdoors woman.

I'm not.

Last time I camped out
was for Van Halen tickets.

But, you know, Frank loves it

and I'll do anything once.

Oh, would you mind watering

my office plants while I'm away?

I'd be glad to.

Oh, gosh, you are the best.

Thanks.

Um, anyone need a refill?

No, thanks. No.

Transference my ass.

You've got it bad.

All right, what am
I supposed to do?

Well, fight for her.

I mean, who is this Frank guy?

Oh, I don't know.

Some kind of
environmental activist.

That's your competition?

Some tree-hugging geek? Come on.

You're one of the most
eligible bachelors in town...

in your age range.

Charlotte.

Hi, honey.

You're screwed.

Frank, this is Frasier,

the one I was telling you about.

Hi. how are you?

And his producer, Roz.

Hi.

So, I understand
you're going camping.

Yeah, I raised some
eagle hatchlings

when their mother
was killed by a hunter,

and now we're going to
go release them in the wild.

How can you tell when it's time?

Well, one of them
ate his landlord's cat.

You know, if they're still
hungry, my dad has a dog.

You're funny.

Well...

I know a lady who would
love your sense of humor.

She's a ranger
up on Mt. Rainier.

She comes down
every couple months

for supplies if you'd
like to meet her.

Well, uh, thanks, but, you know,

I haven't had much luck

with the women of
the Parks Department.

Wow, Roz, did you feel that?

The entire room changed
when we walked in.

It's like animals in the wild

sensing a predator had arrived.

Good. I like that
you're confident.

No, I was talking about you.

Okay, now look,
this is the drill.

I brought you here to get
your mind off Charlotte.

Everyone's here
for the same reason.

So just pick someone
and be yourself.

Okay, um, what
name should I use?

Excuse me.

Another Cosmo, please.

Buy that drink.

Right, a faint heart...

Buy the drink.

Barkeep, uh, that one's on me.

If you don't mind.

Mind? Why do you
think I said it so loud?

What do I do now?

Just don't be so nervous.

And don't worry.
I won't leave you

until you make a connection.

Hi.

Or I do.

Uh... hi.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Kim.

So, you're a doctor?

Yes, I am.

I have a small practice
here in town, and...

Do you do collagen,

because I could barter
frequent flyer miles.

No, I'm not that kind of doctor.

I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh. Oh!

You've probably got
me figured out already.

No, no.

I haven't even got
you on the couch yet.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. That
was too aggressive.

No, no, I had a fortune
cookie this morning

that said I was going
to meet a doctor.

I was afraid I was sick.

Well, you look
awfully healthy to me.

Oh, my God.

Dear God, too aggressive again?

I'm sorry. No.

No, I love this song.

Come on, Dr. Frasier, loosen up.

I'm sorry. What's
your first name again?

The first few months
I was a wreck.

We were engaged.

At least... I was.

But now I know I'm
ready to move on.

Really, really ready.

You know, it's funny.

I'm actually trying to get over

someone myself, in
a manner of speaking.

And you thought she
was "the one," right?

She may have been,

but I'm just trying to put
her out of my mind right now.

I must say, you're proving
to be a delightful distraction.

Oh, well, that's
not the nicest thing

anybody's ever
called me in a bar,

but it's not the worst.

This is fun,

but I'm kind of thinking that

I'd like to go someplace
a little less crowded.

Okay, uh, well... thank you.

I enjoyed our time together.

No, I meant someplace
a little more private.

No, I understand
completely. I take no offense.

Your place.

Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

Well, should we go
together to my place...?

Well, you must
have your own car,

so I could give you directions,

or, uh, well, we
could drive together

and then I could
drive you back here,

or we could drive together

and then you could
get a cab back here...

I don't care how we get there.

Let's just get there.

It's unlocked.

It's unsafe.

Oh, dear God.

Anyone could walk in.

What the hell are
you two doing here?

We came to cheer you up

with some late-night fast food.

If anything's gonna
make you forget a woman,

it's a Big Double Juicy.

Please take it.

If you don't, he will.

I've created a monster.

He's already had
two chimichangas

and a "You Ain't
Nothing But a Corn Dog."

All for less than four dollars.

Where has this
food been all my life?

On the end of a
coroner's artery scraper.

What the hell has
happened to you?

You've devoted your whole
life to honing your standards

only to succumb to the
fast, the cheap and the tasty.

Sorry. I turned the wrong way

coming out of the elevator.

Oh, hello.

Kim, this is my brother
Niles and his wife Daphne.

They were just leaving.

Charmed.

Well, I see I have
my big Double Juicy

and you have yours.

Yes. Good night.

Did somebody here
have a chimichanga?

See? I told you.

It's coming out of your pores.

Wow! Nice place.

You really are a doctor.

Yes. Would you like the tour?

I don't know.

What do you want to show me?

I don't know. Uh...

What do you want to see?

What would you like me to see?

Whatever you came here to see.

And what did I come here to see?

Is there an end to this?

Because I... I'm starting

to feel redundant on my part.

Let's just have some fun.

You are delightfully
single-minded.

Would you care for some wine?

Sounds great.

We've both had a
rough time lately.

How about we go
a little crazy tonight?

I like the sound of that.

I've got a little
outfit you might like.

The littler it is,
the more I like it.

I love it when I say something

and then you say
something funny.

I'll tell you what.

If you'd like to,

you can change right in here,

and maybe I'll whip up a
little surprise of my own.

Okay.

Oh!

When I met you tonight,

I had no idea what
a bad boy you were.

You know what bad
boys need, don't you?

A spanking, right?

That or...

a good tongue-lashing.

You did it again!

Oh, my goodness!

What's going on?

I thought you were out for
the evening, for God's sake.

We came back for dessert.

Obviously, you got a jump on us.

This is horrible.

I... I'm so sorry. I met, um...

Kim.

Kim at a bar
earlier this evening

and, obviously, we hit it off.

Yeah, we get it.

There's a little coffee
shop on the corner.

Why don't we go
there for dessert?

You may get away with
this now, young man,

but once I'm your mother...

Oh, get out!

I would say, "Perhaps
another time,"

but that outfit goes

a long way toward
recapturing the mood.

Good. Now, why
don't you just relax,

and I'll go find some
ice for our wines.

Oh, good heavens!

Hello.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I just need my house keys.

I... I... I thought
you were camping.

Uh... come on in.

Gosh, I'm sorry about
the stench in the hall.

That would be me.

I had a little
run-in with a skunk.

I thought I could scare him
off if I threw my keys at him.

Come on in.

You really don't want me to.

As it is now, I'm going
to have to sell my car.

What is all over your chest?

Okay, should I...? Hello.

Okay. Oh, I got it.

Sorry. Charlotte, this is Kim.

Kim, this is Charlotte.

Boy, I've met more
people in this apartment

than I did at the bar.

I really didn't
mean to interrupt.

If I could get my keys and use
your powder room really fast.

Right. It's right here.

And I'll get those for you.

Uh, Kim...

I'm terribly sorry about this.

I'm afraid it's just not going
to work out for us tonight.

She's "the one," isn't she?

Yeah. Uh... listen.

This has nothing to
do with you, you know.

I've had a lovely
time this evening.

Me, too.

Maybe it's just as well.

I'm... I'm lactose intolerant.

Good luck.

Your keys.

Thanks.

Where's your friend?

She left.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to
spoil your night.

You didn't.

Yes. Yes, I did.

I spoil everything.

Oh, now, don't go there.

But it's true.

No, no. I mean, don't go there.

Come sit over there.

You'll be more comfortable.

I spoiled your evening,
I spoiled my clothes,

I spoiled my whole relationship.

Oh?

Frank and I had a huge fight.

He was getting impatient
with me because, excuse me,

I'm not exactly a pioneer woman,
and I started snapping back.

The whole thing went
downhill from there.

I'm sure it wasn't
as bad as all that.

I dropped the cooler
on one of the hatchlings.

You know, maybe you
could use a little wine.

I could, but look at me.

I can't stay in your
house like this.

Okay, I tell you what.

I have an eight-jet
whirlpool bath

that you are free
to revive yourself in.

I can get cleaned up and
make us some snacks.

All right? And, uh...

You know, actually, I have
an endangered condor pâte

that I've been saving
for just such an occasion.

It's not funny.

More wine?

Thanks.

This is my idea of camping.

I'm not much of an
outdoor man myself.

In college, I got
lost on a nature hike.

After screaming for 45 minutes,

I was finally rescued
by a Brownie troop.

I still know some
of their songs.

I still can't believe

I haven't found the
right woman for you yet.

Well, there's no rush.

I'm enjoying the search.

You're so sweet.

You're sweet yourself.

Charlotte...

I hope you won't think

this is too forward
of me, but...

A promising relationship
doesn't come along very often,

and when it does, it's worth
sticking your neck out for.

What I'm saying is...

Good Lord!

He's with another one!

For heaven's sake!

What are you doing to me, boy?

Maybe I'll just go get those sweats
you offered and get out of here.

All right, Veronica,
we've had dessert.

We've dropped him
off. Can we go now?

No.

I don't want to spend
another moment in this house.

Well, fine, then, you go, but
I am staying here with Marty.

Oh, oh, sure, okay, uh, Ronee,

I'll just make up
the couch for you.

Just drop it, Marty.

Yes, Mother, we
are sleeping together.

And he's not the first...

or the second.

In fact, I'm well into
double digits now.

Okay, we got the
picture. Look, I...

I'm sorry. I-I know
you're upset, but I just...

I can't live a lie anymore.

For God's sakes, I'm in my 40s.

What are you talking about?

You haven't been in your 40s...

All right, good night, Mother.

I'll see you in the morning.

Well, if you're a good
boy, maybe you'll get

to spend the summer
with your grandma.

Thanks for the sweats.

And about before...

I think I know what
you were trying to say.

You do? Yes.

A promising relationship
is worth fighting for.

So I called Frank
and apologized,

and he's on his way home.

Thank you for being
there for me tonight.

You are such a good friend.

So, uh... I'll see you Monday?

Maybe we can get some coffee?

Right.

I brought a little dessert back.

I don't suppose there's
any whipped cream left.

Sorry. No.

You all right?

No.

Want to talk about it?

Whoo! I got to get
this chair cleaned.

She doesn't want me.

She wants somebody else.

I don't have a chance.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That's the second one, right?

Yeah.

So, uh, what are
you going to do?

Oh, that's a good question.

What am I going to do?

I suppose I could pine over
her for the next several weeks,

make myself more
miserable every day...

or I could do the
sensible thing and just...

let her go.

Excuse me.

Hi, Charlotte. It's Frasier.

Um...

about coffee on Monday...
Let's just forget that.

How about lunch instead?