Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 18 - Match Game - full transcript

Captioning sponsored by NBC
and PARAMOUNT TELEVISION

And one of those cinnamon
buns please, extra frosting.

Oh, here they are. Hey.

Hi, you guys.

We were so excited when
you guys asked us out.

You're like the A-list
couple in Lamaze class.

Well, that's good to hear.

We were afraid we
were in the C-Section.

We bring our own
food everywhere.

Sandy doesn't put anything
unhealthy in her body.

No refined sugar,
white flour, or gluten.



I'm sure you're the same.

Oh, of course.

Cinnamon bun.

No, thank you. I'm pregnant.

- But you...
- I said no.

Sweetie, this is your
best yam loaf yet.

He's a saint. He cooks my food,

rubs cocoa butter on my belly...

I just wish I could

go through the birth for her.

Hey, what are you guys
doing with your placenta?

Ours will nourish the roots

of a special tree
we plant in our yard.

Well, we live in an apartment.



Although that ficus in the study

is looking a tad droopy.

By the way,

if you need a doula...

Cindy, I'm sure they
already have one.

Everybody has a doula.

Ours is a treasure.

She'll be there through the
whole delivery, you know,

focusing our energies,
giving us emotional support.

I don't know how
people do it without one.

She's really helped Brad.

He's having a really
tough sympathy pregnancy.

Oh, boy.

Honey?

I'm just...

I'm feeling a little
sick again. I'm sorry.

I just need some air.

We're so in sync.

He feels everything I'm feeling.

Nausea, weight
gain, food cravings.

You know, in
psychological terms,

that's called Couvade Syndrome.

We just call it love.

I don't like them.

They're getting so much
more out of this than we are.

We don't even
have a placenta plan.

No, wait... let's not panic.

All we need is expert help.

We'll hire one of
those doula people.

I'll get the number from Brad.

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, this pregnancy is taking it

out of me.

My breasts are so tender today.

You know what?

I'm starting to feel
a bit nauseous.

Oh.

Hi.

Welcome to Charlotte's Web:

A Matchmaking Service. Come in.

I'm sorry... Isn't this...?

Oh, I see what happened.

I must have been so
engrossed in my paper

I went right past my floor.

Of course.

It can be a little
embarrassing to admit

you need help in the
romance department.

Please, come in.

No, this was a mistake.

I understand.

Come in.

Trust me, you are
comically incorrect.

I do not need a matchmaker.

So you're married?

No.

Dating someone?

I date plenty.

In fact, I often need
the proverbial stick

one uses to beat women off with.

I...

I believe my point is made.

Why don't you just take my card?

I don't need your card.

In case you change your mind.

I won't change my mind.

For a friend. I have no friends.

Who are in need
of your services.

You see, I am a bit
of a local celebrity,

so I have no
trouble getting dates.

Really? Yes.

What's your name?

Dr. Frasier Crane.

Oh.

Sorry, doesn't ring any bells.

Frasier Crane?

Why, yes it is.

Well, my God, what
are you doing here?

Well, actually, I have
an office one floor down.

Really? I'm on 18.

Oh, well why don't
I ride up with you,

I could use the exercise.

Bye, bye.

It's so funny seeing you here.

It's funny for you,
delightful for me.

It's always nice to meet a fan,

especially one so attractive.

You don't remember me?

Yes, of course I remember you.

It's you.

Hey, you.

I can't believe you
don't remember.

We dated.

Three times.

Jennifer.

Ellie. Ellie!

Oh, well, here's your floor.

Nice catching up with you.

Oh, brushing me off.
That sounds familiar.

Oh, not that I'm
surprised you forgot me.

You spent every day
talking about yourself,

and then, after
we slept together...

I'm so sorry. Sorry.

But you could've called me!

Sorry! Again, so sorry.

And so it seems

I have dated every
woman in Seattle.

The well is dry.

The cupboard is bare.

There are no
more fish in the sea.

Meanwhile, my dad is engaged.

My brother is
expecting his first child.

While I am left
to spin aimlessly

on the dating hamster wheel.

You like your
metaphors, don't you?

Well, don't worry, Frasier.

Somewhere in Seattle there's
a woman you haven't pissed off

and I'm going to find her.

You seem awfully
sure of yourself. I am.

I've successfully matched

hundreds of couples,

so...

What kind of woman
are you looking for?

And don't just say smart,
sexy and sophisticated.

Why, don't you
have any of those?

All right.

Well, it's hard to say...

what I want.

It's been so long since I've
really fallen for someone.

You know that feeling you get

after a first date, when
you can't even sleep,

you just lie there in bed awake,

thinking about her?

That's what I want.

You're going to make me
work for my money, aren't you?

Uh, by the way,

I do require a payment up-front.

Oh, of course.

My fee is $10,000.

That's awfully steep.

And those ten
years of bad dates,

how much did they run you?

I'll write you a check.

So I gave her the money

and I filled out
the questionnaire.

Mm.

You fudged a little bit
on your answers, right?

No, of course not. Why would I?

Because nobody's
honest on those things.

There's a code people use.

Like "mature" means old.

"Athletic" means flat-chested.

And, uh, oh...

"not model thin"
means circus fat.

Well, gosh.

She's already sent me
out on a date this evening.

But I assure you, I
am more interested

in personality than looks.

Did you see a photo at least?

Of course I saw a photo.

She's got a personality you
can bounce a quarter off of.

So where you taking her?

Claret... I intend to take

all subsequent
dates there as well.

That way I can compare
them objectively, you see.

As the woman will
be the only variable.

It's basic science.

Yeah.

That's been your
dating problem...

Not enough science.

Hey, you two.

Here, have a seat.
There you are.

We can only chat for a
moment. We're meeting our doula.

Oh, yes.

Your doula.

Anybody need anything?

I'm getting more coffee.

No, thanks.

We brought fennel tea

and some healthy
snacks to nibble on.

Oh, huh. Peanut
butter and carrots.

Looks like somebody has
some pregnancy cravings.

Yes, I just can't help myself.

Oh, dear, Niles.
Couvade Syndrome?

We just call it love.

Yes, well... I have a date.

I've signed up with a
matchmaking service.

Wait, Frasier, a matchmaker?

I'm surprised you'd
use a professional

for something as
personal as your love life.

Well, I could say the same thing

about you and your doula.

Well, our professional
comes highly recommended.

So does my professional.

Well, our professional
is at the top of her field.

As is mine.

Well, our professional
charges $200 an hour.

Mine charges $10,000.

She sounds fantastic.

Congratulations, Frasier.

Thank you, Niles. Wish me luck!

Good luck. Wow.

Daphne and Niles?

Oh, you must be Harvest.

So nice to meet you.

Oh, this is our friend Roz.

Hi.

A resume detailing my
15 years of experience,

plus a syllabus
for further reading.

Well, I am doula impressed.

Now, on page five,

you'll find details
about my support staff.

There's a masseuse,
a shaman, of course,

and a drummer.

He used to tour with
the Doobie Brothers.

Very talented.

My, sounds expensive.

I can't wait to tell Frasier.

And of course, I insist on

a drug-free birthing
environment.

Whoa. Back up. No drugs?

Oh, I want Daphne to be awake

and connected to the moment.

A natural childbirth
needn't be painful.

It needn't be, but it be.

How painful?

Would you have a tooth
pulled without Novocain?

No.

Well, a tooth is this big.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted
to be emotionally present

for the birth of your baby,

but I see that you just want

somebody to dope you up,

strap you down and yank it out.

Oh, no, no. Wait. Don't go.

Yes, our friend

was just leaving.

All right.

You're right. I'm sorry.

This is a private matter.

You need to do
what's right for you.

Ow!

Times a million.

Here we are.

Thank you.

There's something wonderful

about first dates, isn't there?

Oh, thank you very much.

That tingle of anticipation
as two perfect strangers

march toward endless
vistas of possibility.

Well put, Frasier.

Oh, well thank you.

And what do you do?

I'm a science teacher.

Ah, serendipity.

I'm a science man myself.

I suppose that's why Charlotte
got the two of us together.

Well then, what's your field?

Well, my field is biology,

but my specialty is creationism.

Oh, well, I find that...

Excuse me?

You know, they're
only in first grade,

so they don't
understand everything,

but Brother William,
he's our leader,

he likes us to get them

started young before
they get their minds warped

by all that fossil nonsense.

Well, you know, I-I
realize that Darwin

has his detractors, but to
call it nonsense seems a bit

cavalier, don't you think?

Oh, dear. You're one of those.

You think we're
descended from apes?

Well, not recently, no.

Do I look like an ape to you?

Do I have hairy palms
and a big hairy back?

Would you like a drink?

Oh, yeah. Bring it on.

But I got to warn
you... I'm a horny drunk.

Last Spring, in Cabo,

I wake up one morning
under a beach umbrella,

stark naked, tequila
bottle in one hand,

and some guy's
tightie-whities on my head.

Whoa, don't I know
you from Cabo?

Remind you of anything?

You wish, right?

That's, uh, very amusing.

So what do you do for a living?

Well, right now
I'm back in school.

You see, I've loved
animals my whole life

so I figured, why not
really go for it, you know?

So I'm going to become

a taxidermist.

Is something wrong?

No.

I was just, uh,
admiring your ensemble.

Thanks. I made it myself.

You know,

I have a lot of
this fabric left.

I could make you a
shirt with a matching hat.

Don't go to any trouble.

Would you like some wine?

Nah, the cops took my fake I.D.

and my dad'll kill me
if I get busted again.

So what are you, like, 50?

Something like that.

Well, I'm off.

No, you can't.

Our doula's coming specifically
to meet you and your father.

She insists on knowing
all the members

of the baby's energy circle.

Oh, what kind of a
kook is she anyway?

Harvest is not a kook.

She's assisted at the birth

of more than 600 babies

and two giant pandas.

She better get here quickly.

I do have a date.

Another one?

You're doing fairly well
by this matchmaker.

Oh, hardly. A monkey throwing
darts at the Seattle phone book

would find me a better mate.

Hell, a dart-throwing monkey
would be a better mate.

Why don't you fire her?

Don't think I
haven't considered it.

If tonight's a bust, I'm going
to demand my money back.

Niles...

have you gained weight?

Yes, but, you know,

you always put on a
lot with your first baby.

The hardest part

is the mood swings.

Jeez, Niles,

don't you think
you're taking this

sympathetic
pregnancy thing too far?

I'm simply giving in to
the primal cycle of life.

I have no control over it.

In that case, get off my Chanel
couch before your water breaks.

Oh, hello.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Harvest Finkleman. Delighted.

Oh. Well, I'm
sorry I can't stay.

Niles and Daphne you know,
of course, and this is my dad,

Martin Crane. Ms.
Finkleman-Delighted.

Nice to meet you, Martin.

Likewise.

So are you planning
to participate

in your grandchild's birth?

Oh, no. I'm kind of old school.

Clean the kid up, slap
a bow on her head,

then call me in.

Oh! Guess who had their baby.

Brad and Cindy?

Oh, I'm so happy for them!

He gets very emotional lately.

It was a beautiful experience.

I made a tape, if
you'd like to see it.

I would like to not see it.

No, no! This would
be good for us... play it.

It was an 18-hour labor.

This should be
about two hours into it.

I'm so excited.

Daphne, I can't
wait until this is us.

Oh, look at Cindy glow.

Mother of God!

Just kill me!

She seems like
she's in a little pain.

Oh, pain is just fear
leaving the body.

That's a boatload of fear.

Stop that drum before I
put your head through it!

She laughed at that afterwards.

I've seen enough.

Wait, wait.

You'll see how Cindy
pushes through the pain.

I'm not pushing
through anything.

I'm having my baby
the way God intended...

In a hospital, numb
from the waist down.

Now take your incense

and your woo-woo
stick and get out.

And you, stop acting pregnant.

You're a man, for God sakes.

Charlotte, where's my date?

I am so sorry. She just
called. She had to cancel.

That does it.

No. We'll find another evening.

No, Charlotte, we will not.

You have sent me on enough

miserable dates, thank you.

Before you fix me up with
a doll-collecting war criminal

or a hashish-smoking
burger flipper, I want out.

And I want my money back.

Frasier, this...

this is a process.

I have only sent
you out on five dates.

Do you cure your
patients in five sessions?

Well, no, but...

This client roster

is filled with
fascinating women.

I just signed a new
one this morning...

Botany professor, avid
bicycle rider, very striking.

But you know what?

If you're going to
be so impatient,

then we should
just end this now.

I'll write you a check.

Well, wait. No, no, no.

I'm sure you'll do much
better on your own.

With $10,000, you can
download a lot of love.

Well, let's not be too hasty.

That striking, biking
botanist sounded like me.

- I don't know.
- Please?

Don't beg. It's a turnoff.

All right.

Why don't I get us some drinks,

and then we can talk
about our next move?

Great.

He's a big radio star.

Smart, really sweet.

So think about it.

Here's my card.

You lied to me.

You have five clients.

There is no roster
of eligible women!

You looked in my client log?

Yes. I've seen your log, and
I've dated every toad on it.

Is this the guy?

No, no, no. Different
guy. Call me.

I think the police
might be interested

in this little scam of yours.

It is not a scam.

I... I just didn't have time
to put the other pictures in.

And I will not work one second
with someone who threatens me.

I'll mail you a check.

I'll save you the
price of a stamp.

I'll see you at your
office tomorrow.

Fine. I'd say come
alone, but that's a given.

Oh!

Oh, God! What a
crappy, crappy day!

Charlotte, are you okay?

I can't give you a check.

I've already... I've
already spent the money

on rent and food and...

and these shoes.

These stupid, stupid shoes!

Come on, now. It's okay.

No, it's not. Nothing's okay.

I lied to you.

I just started this business.

But I'm really
good at what I do.

I used to run the biggest
matchmaking business in Chicago

before I lost it to my rotten
ex-husband in the divorce.

Divorce? But you're
wearing a wedding ring.

It's camouflage.

It inspires confidence.

I mean, nobody
wants a matchmaker

whose life's a mess.

Like me!

I'm divorced.

My business is a joke.

I'm-I'm up to my ass in debt.

I had to move in with my mother.

I am 35 years old, and I
am living with my mother.

How pathetic is that?

Well, I... I've seen worse.

You mentioned something earlier

about having a drink.

Oh, believe me, I will.

If my mother hasn't
finished the bottle.

I meant here.

No, I really can't.
I've got to get home.

I have paperwork. I
have calls to make.

It's my treat.

Double Scotch.

So then I spent five
soul-sucking years in advertising

dreaming up
slogans for Crunchios.

"Crunchios are a munchy with
your lunchy or your brunchy"

That was you?

Yeah.

I felt better about myself
when I was pushing cigarettes.

Then, one day, I
fixed up my boss

with my friend, and they
ended up getting married.

And thus a career was born.

What better way to make a living
than by helping people be happy?

So does your old boss
toast you every year

when he celebrates
his anniversary?

Actually, he's a she now,
and my friend's kind of bitter.

But I got

the hang of it after that.

Well, until I lost the
business and came here

and moved in with
my crazy-ass mother.

For what it's worth,

it will get easier
living with her.

Is that your
professional opinion?

Actually, it's a personal one.

My dad lives with me.

No.

Mm. 11 years.

Yeah. Yikes.

It does take a while
to adjust to each other

before you're perfectly in sync.

How long did that take?

I'll let you know.

Truth be told,

I'm going to miss him
when he moves out.

I was missing my mother
when I was in Chicago.

Now I just wish she was missing.

I didn't realize it was so late.

Frank's waiting for me at home.

Frank?

My boyfriend.

Oh. Serious?

Yes, but he has a
fun-loving side, too.

No, I meant the relationship.

Do you lie awake nights
thinking about him?

A little.

It's still new, but I have
my fingers crossed.

Well, good luck with it.

Thank you.

And, if you'll let me,

I'm going to find
someone fantastic

for you, too, Frasier,
because you deserve it.

And because you have my $10,000.

Are you going to mention
that every time you see me?

Damn.