Frasier (1993–2004): Season 11, Episode 17 - Coots and Ladders - full transcript

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Oh, Niles, thank
God you came quickly.

I've been going mad.

This better be a real
emergency, Frasier.

You pulled me away from
the Gifted Infant's Toy Expo.

Yes, yes, so you
missed out on buying

a Tickle Me Tolstoy doll.

Niles, my problem is
more important than that.

You see, I've...

Oh, dear God!

Niles, I've committed a crime.



Don't tell me...

you forgot to send the
Opera Board a thank you note

for the Christmas brickle.

By God, man, it's a real crime.

Punishable by law!

By law?

Of the United States of America.

Heavens, what have you done?

I'll tell you.

But before you judge
me, Niles, please,

remember how much
stress I've been under lately.

Of course.

Tell me everything.
Leave nothing out.

All right... It was a
dark and stormy day...



You can leave that out.

All right.

It was an average day,

marred only by a
persistent cough,

caused by a barista's
over-nutmegging my machiatto.

Go ahead, Babette.

What can I do for you?

Well, Dr. Crane,

for about a year now,
I've been... stealing.

I get these uncontrollable
urges to take things.

Such as?

All kinds of things.

Magazines from stores,

a friend's sunglasses.

Things I don't even want.

I see, um...

Go on.

It's just so unlike me.

I mean, my friends
think I'm dull.

They all say, "Babette,
you're like an old shoe."

But stealing is so exciting.

It's really the only
time I feel alive.

Well, it sounds to me like
you have a classic case

of klepto...

klepto...

Kleptomania.

Hi, Babette. This is Roz.

And if Dr. Crane weren't
hacking up a hairball,

I'm sure he would tell you

that this thrill you
get from stealing

makes up for an
emptiness in your life.

That's the problem you
really need to address.

So, you should seek counseling

or at least find
a support group.

Yes, and may I add...

She's gone and
we're out of time. Oh.

Well, then, this is
Dr. Frasier Crane

saying "Good day, Seattle,
and good mental health."

Are you okay?

I haven't heard so much coughing

since I was backstage
at Reggae Sunsplash.

Well... I'm fine, Roz.

Thank you, thank you so much.

Your advice was spot on.

It should be.

I've heard you say the
same stuff for ten years now.

"Confront your
emotions," "communicate,"

"seek counseling."

I didn't realize my advice
had become so predictable.

Well, it's not your fault

everyone calls with the
same dumb-ass problems.

They're not the same problems.

What about that
caller last week...

The sleepwalking transvestite

that kept breaking off
his heels on sewer grates?

I remember him.

You told him to seek counseling.

Yes, I also told
him to wear flats.

Oh, oh, did Maintenance remember

to bring me that
hammer I asked for?

Oh, yeah, right here.

What do you need it for?

Some imbecile's
been parking in my spot

despite several
strongly worded notes

I have left on his windshield.

The time has come for me to
take matters into my own hands.

My God, Frasier, so
that's what you did.

In an uncontrollable rage

over the commandeering
of your parking space,

you took hammer to car.

You are a vandal.

It was nothing like that.

My reserved sign was a-dangle.

I used the hammer
to tack it back up.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize this
spot was reserved.

So all those
notes that I left...

must have...

blown away. Hello.

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

Yes.

So you know my show.

It's on your sign.

Willa Haver.

I'm so sorry.

My assigned spot is on
the roof, and with the rain...

Oh, no, no, it's
perfectly understandable.

And now that I know
that this is your Audi,

let me be the first to
say, "Audi, neighbor."

And that's when

she took the hammer and
put you out of your misery.

That would have been preferable.

You know, in the
spirit of detente,

I... I could, uh, buy
you some coffee.

Oh, well, that is
so sweet of you,

but I can't right now.

Well, perhaps tomorrow.

Uh, no, tomorrow's
no good either.

Next week, perhaps?

Next week I'll be out of town.

You know, I'm not sure

if we're having
a devil of a time

coordinating our schedules

or if you're giving
me a polite brush-off.

Okay.

Now I'm sure.

My morning's
travails aside, Niles,

you'll be happy to know

I didn't strike out
with every woman

I encountered today.

Frasier... Hm?

I heard the elevator
and I thought,

"I bet that's
Frasier," and it is.

How are you, Mrs. Magrini?

Oh, just grand

and how many times do I
have to ask you to call me Opal?

You make me feel
like an old woman.

Opal, then.

Lovely to see you again.

Some weather.

Yes, it's just awful.

It's blowing a gale.

Yes, it's quite a storm.

And colder than a
well-digger's wallet.

Yes, that's quite apt.

I wonder if I could ask a favor.

I know you're probably
as busy as an ant farm,

but do you think you could
change a light bulb for me?

The last time I tried,

I fell off the ladder and
I lay on my back like...

Like a helpless turtle?

No, like a half hour,
till the ambulance came.

Well, um, let me just
get out of these wet shoes

and I'll be right over.

Oh, great.

I'll make some tea and cookies.

We always have such
lively conversations.

Yes, we're reviving a lost art.

Hey, Fras.

Some weather, huh?

Yes, it's raining.

I've just gone over
that with Mrs. Magrini.

Hey, come look at these pictures
from our engagement party.

Yeah, that camera
you gave me is terrific.

What, is that the camera
I gave you ten years ago?

I can't believe

you've never used it before.

Shows you what you know.

Turns out half the
shots on this roll

were taken the night
you gave it to me.

Niles,

come and look at
these old pictures.

Yes, and then we all
looked at the pictures.

I remember it as if it
were four hours ago.

I am coming to my point.

Martin, look at you...

Sitting in your chair,
all sour and grumpy.

You must be drunk
in this picture, Niles.

You got your arm
around a floor lamp.

Oh, no, that's Maris
in her Easter hat.

Why are you all
hunched over in this one?

You were looking at
my bum, weren't you?

Oh, heavens, no...

It's all right, Niles.

We're married now.

All right, yes.

I might once, in a
moment of weakness,

have permitted myself
a fleeting glance.

Or twice.

Many, many times.

It's all about the
rear with you, isn't it?

Darling, let's not...

Seriously, what
color are my eyes?

You're looking at
it again, aren't you?

No, I...

Boy, you look at these pictures

and you really see
how far we've all come.

Oh, I'll say.

You were such an old sourpuss,
and you were the Crypt Keeper.

And you, well...

God, you haven't changed a bit.

You're even wearing
the same jacket

that you wore in this picture.

It's hardly the same.
I've had it relined.

I don't mind telling you, Niles,

what happened next
was particularly galling.

I remember exactly
what happened,

and I haven't got a clue
what you're talking about.

Our lives are so complete.

We really are lucky.

Oh, please.

That's not how it
happened at all.

Our lives are so complete.

We really are lucky.

Well, come on, Niles.

We should be heading
off to the baby show.

If we're lucky, we might
get a lead on a nanny.

Oh, well, there are ads in the
back of that Seattle Weekly.

Just make sure you
look in the right section.

If she says that
she's got her own toys

and is willing to spank,
she may not be a nanny.

Don't tell me

in your desperation over being

the only Crane
man not to find love,

you picked up that paper
and did the unthinkable.

Tawny LaRue, I presume.

I did no such thing, you nit.

And I am telling this story.

Very slowly.

I'm beginning to think
you didn't do anything.

All right, I'm getting to it.

As you recall, I promised to
change my neighbor's light bulb.

Oh!

Here we are.

I was just admiring your bust.

Thank you.

Might look nice a little higher.

It might look nice a lot higher,

but heck, I'm 83.

Anyway, I can't thank you enough

for coming to my rescue.

Yes, it's lucky you
ran into me in the hall.

Oh, I knew that would be
you coming out of the elevator.

If there's one thing
I can count on,

it's old Frasier's routine,

unchanging as
Granddad's whiskers.

There's old Frasier

off to work.

There's old Frasier coming home.

There's old Frasier off to work.

There's old Frasier...

Yes, old Frasier gets the idea.

That's why I gave
you my spare key.

I knew if there was
ever an emergency,

I could count on you.

Oh...

we should have our tea.

My date's picking
me up in 20 minutes.

How marvelous.
You're still dating.

Well, I think an active
social life keeps you young.

So, what are you
doing this evening?

I thought I'd stay
in with a good book.

Ah, isn't that nice?

How you're so
cozy in your routine.

You're like an
old shoe, Frasier.

That's when I snapped.

You didn't.

You bludgeoned her
horribly with that bust!

No, you insane twit!

You're like an
old shoe, Frasier.

Now, come have some tea.

I suddenly flashed
on my caller Babette.

Before I knew what I was doing,

I impulsively pocketed

something that belonged to her.

I stole, Niles.

Like some craven thief.

And I've never felt more alive.

You can't imagine
the thrill I felt

as I sat there
sipping her inferior tea

and eating her
excellent cookies,

all the while...

fingering the stolen
object in my pocket.

And then, how
coolly I walked out,

scot-free,

the old bird none the wiser.

What's in there?

Some sort of
decorative medallion.

Well, it's pretty
clear what happened.

The depressing
series of events today

led you to conclude
that you're in a rut.

Your spontaneous
transgression generated

the excitement that you
so desperately wanted.

Any Caribbean-trained psych
student could tell me that.

Well, if you didn't
want my diagnosis,

why did you call me here?

I am plagued by guilt.

I have to return this box before

it's discovered missing.

Why did you call me here?

I need your help, Niles.

I have her key.

I know she's out.

We can put this back
and be done with it.

But I don't want to.

I have excitement in my life.

Please!

I can't trust
myself to be alone.

I am caught in the
grip of this mania.

Who knows what
I might steal next?

You took a little box.

I hardly think you're gonna
run off on a crime spree.

Oh, really?

Thief!

That's right.

I took it, and I liked it.

Please. Please, Niles.

I don't want to get involved.

Fine! I'll do it myself.

Here, hold this
for me. What for?

Now your prints are on it, too.

You have to help me.

Admit it, Niles.

It's intoxicating, isn't it?

Can't you feel a tingle
running down your spine?

In a minute it's
going to be running

down my inseam. Hurry up.

I've become a danger junkie.

A cunning cat burglar
with nerves of steel.

Hide. Hide! Here,
here. Take this box.

No, no, you've got a pocket.

Put it...

All right, everybody.

Put down your gifts.

Give me your coats and
I'll put them in the bedroom.

Hello?

Thank you.

Okay, that was the doorman.

Aunt Opal is on her way up.

Everyone find a place to hide.

All right, quiet, everybody.

I hear them.

Surprise!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, you! Oh!

Frasier?

Who are you?

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
the next-door neighbor,

and this is my brother Niles.

We just want to say
Happy birthday, Opal.

Thank you.

Did someone invite you?

Uh, well, news of this birthday

has been just buzzing
through the building.

We wouldn't miss an opportunity

to honor this wonderful lady.

But how'd you get in here?

We slipped in as
the door was closing.

I could swear...

Stop grilling them,
please, Roland.

He thinks he has
to grill everyone

just because he's
a district attorney.

Now, what would
you like to drink?

Champagne.

Well, we really can't stay.

Oh, you can stay a few minutes.

You don't want
to hurt my feelings.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, my coat, no, I'd really

rather you... Uh... Okay.

Oh, my God.

What? What?!

You're Dr. Frasier Crane.

Here, take this, Roland.

I love your show.

Oh... It's going to be

so exciting to have
a celebrity here

when we take Aunt Opal's
picture with her medal.

Medal?

She won the bronze

at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.

So what's it like being
a huge radio star?

Frasier...

Yes, yes, in a minute, Niles.

Actually, I don't
really think of myself

as a star, so much as a healer.

The important
thing is to listen.

Frasier.

Not now, Niles.

Frasier, they're going to take

her picture with her medal.

Yes, I heard that.

Oh, dear.

Uh, excuse me just a moment.

You've got to get that
medal out of your coat.

Why don't you get it?

I'm a celebrity.

They're watching my
every move. Go on.

Aunt Opal, tell
Dr. Crane the story

about how you refused
to shake Hitler's hand

when he gave you that medal.

It looked sweaty, that's all.

Who are you?

It's just a dream.

Then why aren't
you Harry Truman?

Where's my cake?

I'm ready for the cake.

No, not until we take
the family picture, Mother.

I got it.

Then let's take
the darned picture.

Roland, get my medal down.

Where is it?

Same place it always is,

unless it's grown legs like
a tadpole and hopped away.

We have got to get
that medal up there.

We? You're right.

Bad plan. You've
got to get it up there.

All right, top shelf,
right of the sconce.

You know, before
we take the picture,

I have a little
story I'd like to tell

that just may rival
that Hitler tale.

The place... was right here.

The time was this afternoon.

Opal had just set out

a lovely service of tea
and a plate of sweets.

I remember there were three
cookies sitting on the plate

and I reached for the left one.

Not the center one,

the left one, and...

Just at the same moment,

Opal reached for
the very same cookie.

Oh, what did you say, Opal?

It was priceless.

I said, "You take it."

Right off the top of her head.

What are you doing?

I can tell from the panic
in my brother's voice

that he, he must
have seen a spider.

You see, he has
a, a crippling fear

of spiders and it sent
him up the ladder.

Yes. I hate spiders.

I don't see a spider.

Come back down.

No! Why not?

Because he also has a
crippling fear of heights

and this may be
just the breakthrough

we've been looking
for. Higher, Niles.

Conquer your fear.

Please, everyone,

I'm going to have to
ask you to turn around,

as his fear of
crowds has set in.

Crowds, too?

Yes. You are looking
at that rarest of beasts...

The arachno-acro-agoraphobe.

Please, avert your eyes.

Oh. Oh.

This is the most difficult
part of the process.

I am using a technique known

as behavioral exposure therapy.

Climb higher, Niles.

Ever higher.

Conquer your fear.

Wow. Frasier Crane in action.

No, please.

No peeking.

You don't want to
cause a setback.

Everybody freeze!

This is the moment of truth.

I haven't done this since
my days in med school.

Hurrah!

He's done it!

He's conquered all three!

What are you doing?

Well, you as an athlete

should know the... the
time-honored tradition

of hoisting the victor
on one's shoulders.

They never did that to me.

Well, you finished
third, didn't you?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got to journal all
this while it's still fresh.

Good night, everyone.

Oh.

Good Lord, I should have dipped.

Yes, there we go.

Ooh!

So sorry.

Oh, hey, Dad.

I didn't know you
guys were here.

Where's Ronee?

Oh, she's in bed waiting for me.

Hey, know what?

She can't see a thing
without her contacts.

Why don't we play
a little joke on her?

You tiptoe in...
No, Dad, I'll pass.

Still looking at those
old pictures, huh?

Yeah.

It's funny, isn't it?

What?

How suddenly your
whole life can change.

I never would have dreamed
back then that I'd end up

getting married
again, at my age,

and to someone so
young and full of pep.

I'm very happy
for you and Ronee.

That's the way it is.

Just when you think
that you're in a rut

and nothing exciting will
ever happen to you again...

Pow. That's when it does.

Maybe you're right.

I know I'm right.

Good night, Fras.

Good night, Dad.

You know, you could put
on my robe and a little bit

of my Aqua Velva.
Good night, Dad.