Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 9 - Don't Go Breaking My Heart - full transcript

So, what's the plan?

Are we going to
turn off the lights

and jump out and yell surprise?

Oh, yes, Roz.

Let's startle a man who
just had open-heart surgery.

Sorry. I can't get used to
thinking of Niles as sick.

Oh, Niles is great.

All these exercises he's doing

he's going to be just as
strong as he ever was.

Here's the guest of honor.

Niles, good to see
you out and about.



You look great!

Thank you. Thank you.

I'll tell you it's
good to be out

after being cooped up

in that apartment
all week. Hello.

I never thought I'd grow
tired of reading Flaubert.

Oh, please.

He's been parked on his ass

watching The Young
and The Restless.

FRASIER: Niles!

Not the soaps!

You can't be serious.

Well, I'm hardly hooked.

They fascinate me
as cultural artifact.



I was just telling Gertrude.

Their use of stock
figures is reminiscent

of the commedia dell'arte.

Esther is Punchinello,
Victor is Flavio

and Nicki, well, she's
just the town pump.

Now do you see why I
need my own telly, Daphne?

You have your own
telly in Manchester.

( uneasy laughter)

Here's champagne and
sparkling cider for you Niles

and help yourself to brunch
whenever you're ready.

Word to the wise: Stay
away from the sausage.

They're not sausages, Dad.

They're soysages.

Niles is on a
postoperative diet.

We are trying to support him.

Oh, sorry. What about the bacon?

Fake-un.

Hey, everyone, I'd
like to propose a toast.

To my family and friends:

Your love and support
have been overwhelming.

DAPHNE: Oh, Niles.

During my operation

I was technically dead
for several minutes.

Yes, we know, son. You told us.

But it gave me a fresh
perspective on everything.

It took a brush with death

to remind me how
lucky I am to be alive.

And Gertrude, thank
you for giving up

the guest bedroom

so that I don't have
to climb all those stairs.

Oh, no, I'm happy to
sleep on that sofa bed

with the hard metal frame.

You have a nice, soft
bed in Manchester.

Oh, Daphne, it's okay.

Her bracing honesty reminds me

that I'm alive.

You, you... Oh, you!

You are a treasure to me.

I cherish every
day we're together.

Oh, thank you, Niles.

There may be others around here

who could benefit from
a near-death experience.

Well, let's eat before the
fake-un loses its shape.

Wow, Niles is really
loving life with a vengeance.

I was the same
way after I got shot.

First day back at the precinct

I went around
hugging all the guys

telling them all I loved 'em.

How long did that last?

Until they started
calling me "Martina."

It is kind of weird

seeing Niles so
lovey-dovey with Mrs. Moon.

Believe me, when
you're in that state

you can find something to
love even in the biggest jerk.

Roz, I want to tell
you you are a treasure.

Maybe I don't say it
often enough, but you are.

Shut up, Martina.

( humming)

Hi.

I know that song.

Yes, Mozart's
"Symphony Number 40."

Molto allegro.

I've just bought this
new recording for Niles.

It is fantastic.

I've never heard
such string articulation.

Oh, I remember what it is.

It's that commercial
with the singing cats.

♪ If your cat has a
yearning for tuna ♪

♪ Da-da-da, ocean buffet... ♪

One of the cats was
wearing a tiny tuxedo.

Good.

So few cats dress for
the symphony anymore.

Frasier, Roz. Oh, hi, guys.

Guess who just walked
a mile on the treadmill.

Oh, way to go, Niles.

The doctor says he's
in the 95th percentile

of patients recovering
from bypass surgery.

95th percentile!
That's wonderful, Niles.

Well, now, Frasier

good health is
not a competition.

When you've heard time's
winged chariot hurrying near

as I have, every day is a gift.

Oh, yoiks.

What tone-deaf
prankster gave you this?

You've heard it?

Well, as much as I could bear.

Did you hear what
the conductor did

to the andante?

I just hope he
bought it dinner first.

Well, I couldn't
agree more, Niles.

Frasier, you said
you loved that CD.

Well, Niles has
convinced me otherwise.

You know, I'm in
the mood for a scone.

Help me pick one out. All right.

That was weird. I'll say.

Who can't pick out
their own scone?

No. I mean you and Niles.

Usually that would have
been a two-hour argument

ending in tears and
cursing in Italian.

I'm afraid those
days are over, Roz.

What happened?

Well, it's a long story.

Okay. When Niles
was in the hospital

and he was being
wheeled into surgery...

he looked so frail
and vulnerable

so I...

I took my case
to a higher power.

Hello, God.

It's me, Dr. Frasier Crane.

Though I don't talk to you
as often as perhaps I should

I want to thank
you for all the times

you've indulged me in the past.

Although, I have yet to see
the inside of the Empire Club...

Just kidding.

Anyway, today I ask you to
look after my brother, Niles Crane.

I love him, even if I
don't always show it.

And I regret all the time

he and I wasted
in petty quarrels.

If you spare him, oh, Lord,

I promise to cherish every
moment we have together.

But, Frasier, you don't think

God is going to
strike Niles down

if you get in an
argument, do you?

Well, technically,
the way it's structured

he'd come after me.

Seeing as how I was the one

that initiated the
deal, you see?

If I'd had more time,

I might have worded
things differently, but...

Oh, oh, uh, let's
get this to go.

My soap starts in 20 minutes.

Ashley might come
out of her coma today.

You know, since your
recovery is going so well

maybe we should check you out

make sure all your
equipment's working properly.

You're not talking about
my exercise bicycle, are you?

The doctor said
it would be okay.

If you need a second opinion

maybe Nurse Naughty
could make a house call.

I could use a checkup.

But I think we should
err on the side of caution.

In a few weeks, I have
another stress test.

Thank you.

And if all goes well,
Nurse Naughty will be

one satisfied
healthcare professional.

See you.

Oh, bye, guys.

Oh, Niles, wait.

Frasier says he thinks

the string articulation
is really good.

In this?

Frasier, you know
I hold your opinion

in highest regard,
but are you nuts?

Perhaps, I am, Niles. Thank you.

Maybe you just need to
get your hearing checked.

I'll do that. Thank you, Niles.

( loudly): I'll see you later!

( chuckles)

Very amusing.

I get it.

Oh, oh, here they are.

Frasier, Frasier, tell
them what you told me.

Freud is the poor man's Jung.

I never thought I'd
live to see the day.

Perhaps this is
why I was spared.

Niles, how was your stress test?

Oh, the doctor cleared
me to return to normal food

and regular physical activity.

Oh, Darling, that's wonderful.

Yes, yes. In
moderation, of course.

Congratulations, son.

Perhaps now, Niles

we can get back to
the squash courts.

Oh, I don't think so.

But the doctor said it was okay.

Yeah, but shouldn't
there be more to life

than competition for
useless bragging rights?

You didn't think they were
useless three months ago

when you won.

You bragged for three months.

I've changed a lot since then.

The point is that I have roses

to stop and smell.

I see. So, let me
get this straight.

You're going to give up
squash and smell roses.

Poor Frasier.

I hope that you don't have
to go through what I did

in order to become
as wise as I have.

You can still be wise
and play squash, darling.

Daphne's right. Go
out, have some fun.

But I am having fun.

Since my incident,
birds sing more sweetly.

The sky is so much bluer.

Niles, it has rained
every day this week.

I see rain differently, too.

There's something
I need to tell you.

It's something I've
been thinking about.

( thunder crashing)

You were saying, Frasier?

Nothing.

MAN: Hey, Dr. Crane.

My grandmother died
a couple of weeks ago

and I feel bad
because I never told her

how much she meant to me.

Well, my heart
certainly goes out to you.

Grieving is difficult enough
without those unresolved...

Frasier, I'm sorry.

But we have Dr. Niles
Crane on line two.

I'm sure you all remember
my brother Niles...

from our last segment.

I'm sure all my
listeners join me

in hoping he can get
back to work real soon.

Thank you, Frasier.

I just thought I'd
add the perspective

of one who has ducked the
scythe of the Grim Reaper.

By all means. Go ahead, Niles.

Your grandmother
knows how you feel.

When I was briefly dead

the overriding feeling I had

was the love of my
family and friends.

MAN: Wow, so I
shouldn't feel bad?

NILES: Certainly not.

Get out there and
live your life, Grant.

Carpe that diem.

Isn't that right, Frasier?

I couldn't agree more, Niles.

We'll be right
back after traffic.

I'm beginning to regret
betting on the clown.

Roz, I can't eat, I can't sleep.

I just lie in bed awake at night

mentally arguing with Niles.

And I win every time!

Frasier, this is insane.

Do you really think something
bad is going to happen

if you break your deal with God?

Oh, of course not.

Well, maybe a little.

I don't know.

Roz, my brother could have died.

I can't be ungrateful to
whatever higher power

may have spared him.

I just can't imagine

that God would be upset...

Oh, he's God, Roz!

Have you read the
Old Testamtent?

He can be ruthless!

Traffic's done.
You're on in five.

Welcome back, Seattle.

Oh, I see we have
someone on line two.

Go ahead, caller. I'm listening.

NILES: Still me, Frasier.

Say, I had some thoughts

about your advice to
Cynthia from Tacoma.

Speaking as one who has walked

through the valley of
the shadow of death

Cynthia, I think
diet and exercise

should take care
of your problems.

Nothing like a good
fat-free muffin...

Hi, Daph, I'm here for Niles.

He's at your place.

He said you were meeting
him there for dinner.

I specifically told him I
would pick him up here.

Sorry.

Not bad enough he
usurps my radio show...

What are you doing?

Oh, you'll think I'm silly

but I'm donating
food to the poor.

Why would I think that's silly?
What does that say about me?

No, I was just going to say...

I do my bit for
charity, you know.

You have no idea
how many vacations

I've bought at silent auctions.

No, that's not it.

You see, when I found out
Niles needed heart surgery

I felt so scared and helpless.

So, I kind of made a vow
that if he came out okay

I would spend more time
helping the less fortunate.

A vow? You mean
like a promise to God?

I know it must sound absurd
to you, a man of science.

No, no.

Now, when...

exactly did you
make this promise?

The night before his surgery.

The night before, you say.

Interesting.

You say Niles is at my place?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Keep up the good work.

What's all this?

Food for the poor.

Oh, must be nice to be poor

and have people
just giving you food.

Daphne, you were up
awfully late last night.

Yeah, I was watching television.

Were you?

Or was that husband of
yours sneaking upstairs

to demand you perform
your wifely chore?

I wish.

He's still not ready to be
in the same bed with me.

He's rich and you don't
have to sleep with him?

Rub it in, why don't you?

I know he's trying to
ease back into things

but it's been weeks since
the doctor said he was okay.

Well, isn't it obvious?

The poor thing's probably
not feeling very attractive.

He's all skinny and pale,
and now he has that scar, too.

I don't think that's it, Mum.

I just think he's scared.
And I understand that.

But how long are we
going to go on like this?

Until you stop babying him.

I'm not babying him.

I'm just giving him
the time he needs.

Oh, piffle.

What he needs is a
swift kick in the bum.

Look, you've got to seduce him.

Use your feminine wiles.

That's how your brother
Billy landed Kevin.

Well, sharing a cell helped.

You know, maybe
I'll give that a try.

When Niles walks into
that guest room tonight

I'll have a surprise
waiting for him...

Candles, soft
music, a negligee...

nothing too sexy.

We don't want
to strain his heart.

There's nothing
wrong with your ego.

Thanks for the advice, Mum.

My pleasure, love.

Oh, and since you and
Niles will be in the guest room

I'll sleep in your room tonight.

No sense in letting that
king-size bed go to waste.

This time use a coaster
when you take your teeth out.

Stop the tape.

Who's he again?

That's Diego

the illegitimate son
of Sonya LaFontaine.

He joined the army to
avenge the death of his brother.

Although, frankly, I'm a
little worried about him.

I'm not sure he's fighting
this war for the right reasons.

Hey, you want some
of this fancy dessert?

It must be really good

because Frasier
told me not to touch it.

No, no, thanks.

I brought some of
these tasty rye flats

in case I... in
case I feel peckish.

They look like wood.

I thought your doctor cleared
you to eat normal foods.

Well, he did.

But, you know, I feel my
tastes have gotten simpler

since I cheated death.

It's hard to explain.

Don't need to
explain to me, son.

I know what it's
like to cheat death.

That's true.

Although I think I got a
little closer than you did.

Oh, really?

Well, let's see...

I got shot by a gun and
you ate a bunch of cheese.

I was clinically dead
for several minutes.

I looked death
square in the eye.

You may have looked him in
the eye, but I shook his hand.

Really? Well, I kissed
him on the cheek.

Well, I kissed him on the lips.

Also, Death was a girl.

Dad, I don't want to turn
this into a competition.

I'm just trying to
embrace life to the fullest.

Oh, would you give it a rest.

Excuse me?

You haven't
embraced a damn thing.

All you're doing
is yakking about

feeling this and
experiencing that.

You're not doing anything.

You won't go back to work

or play squash or eat
any of your favorite foods.

I'm easing into things
until I'm back to normal.

The doctor says you're there.

Well, I'm just being
extra cautious.

Sounds to me like
you're afraid, son.

Well, what if I am?

Haven't I earned
the right to be afraid?

I could have died.

I understand. Okay.

When I got out of the hospital

I was terrified to take a risk.

Just didn't want
to leave the house.

Ducked for cover every
time a car backfired.

I know my fears aren't rational.

I know my heart is sound.

I feel fine.

But I felt fine before
this happened.

How do I know

that the same thing isn't...

You don't know.

That's exactly what
I came to realize.

Life's a crap shoot.

We could all go at any time.

That's why we have to make the
most of whatever time we've got.

Like sand through the hourglass

so are the days of our lives.

Okay, point taken.

Thank you, Dad.

Where are you going?

To live my life.

You forgot the rye flats.

No, I didn't, Dad. No, I didn't.

Well, you're not
leaving them here.

Good evening.

Hello, God, it's me again.

Dr. Frasier Crane.

Listen, it seems that when
we made our little arrangement

there was another deal in place.

Now, I've had some
experience with double-booking

and I know that the
person who books first

always gets priority.

So, as long as Daphne
keeps up her end...

which she is, to the letter...

It seems our little arrangement

would be rendered null and void.

Ergo, I am now going
to yell at my brother.

Unless of course,
you give me a sign.

Very well, then.

This is going to be sweet.

( elevator dings)

Niles!

There you are.

You're 40 minutes
late. Well, no matter.

I have more
important things to do.

Not so fast, mister!

You, sir, have been insufferable
for the past few weeks.

It might enlighten you to know

that your endless preaching

has been nothing
more than a thin cover

for your fear... Yes, I know.

I know, Dad just told me.

And he was right,
I've been an ass lately.

I'm really sorry,
but I have to go.

My wife is waiting for me.

Frankly, Frasier,

I'm surprised you didn't
bring this up sooner.

But...

Huh.

Well played, God.

I'll see you at Easter.

( high-pitched scream)

Niles!

What happened?

Are you all right? Yes.

I just jumped into
bed with your mother.

Oh, dear. No wonder
she screamed.

That wasn't her.

What were you doing in there?

I just... wanted to...
take my wife in my arms

and show her how
much I love her.

Are you sure you're ready?

Trust me, if my
heart can take that

it can take anything.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Toss salads and
scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those toss salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!