Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 10 - We Two Kings - full transcript

Oh, hey, Roz, can I join you?

Sure.

Ah, may I have a
latte to go, please?

And I hope they aren't
paying you extra to wear that.

No, but I was hoping it
would help with my tips.

Ah, well, as you know

my tipping policy stands firmly

on the twin pillars of
courtesy and efficiency,

but today, I shall
include whimsy.

Merry Christmas.

( chuckling)



God bless you, sir.

Well...

I'm really surprised, Frasier.

I didn't think you'd go for
something kitschy like that.

At Christmastime,

I say let a thousand
antlers bloom.

Oh, well...

What a relief.

( laughing): Oh, Roz.

I'm working Santa's
Toy Drive at the mall.

I'm an elf.

Roz, if you needed extra
cash, you should've come to me.

I've got plenty of odd
jobs around the house.

It's not about money.



I'm volunteering.

Oh, oh, well, good for you. Yes.

Yeah. I mean

visiting Santa Claus
at the department store

was one of my favorite
memories as a kid.

I always found him
terrifying and inquisitorial.

When I was seven,

my mom and dad took
me to the mall to see Santa,

and they were going through
their divorce at the time

so they were barely talking.

Anyway, when I sat
down on Santa's lap,

I started to cry.

And he was just so nice.

He made me feel
safe and protected.

I don't know, it just
made me feel special.

So if I could do that
for just one little kid,

you know, I'd like to do that.

I'm sorry I laughed at you, Roz.

You should be very
proud of yourself.

Thank you.

And I better go before I'm late.

Oh, right, you know what?

I'm going, too.

I'll walk with you.

Okay.

( loud jingling)

Actually, Roz,

why don't you just go ahead?

I'm going to get myself a scone.

Oh, hi, guys! Good to see you.

Hello... hello. Come in.

Hey, we were hoping to
borrow your wassail bowl.

Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.

I've already loaned it
to Lawrence Emerson

and his madrigal caroling group.

Well, you can kiss
that bowl good-bye.

Frasier, the Yuletones
are the bad boys

of Renaissance Christmas music.

Have you ever seen a
church common room

after one of their performances?

Oh. It's just...

Why don't you just
use the punch bowl?

Well, because then it wouldn't
be wassail, it would be punch.

What's the difference?

DAPHNE: My dad used to say

that punch makes you want

to kiss the donkey
in the manger scene

and wassail makes you
want to check it into the inn.

( laughing)

That's very funny.

Listen, Daphne, I
was just wondering,

is your mom partial to a
traditional Cornwall dressing?

You see, I'm thinking
it would go splendidly

with the 12-pound Hungarian
goose that I'm serving.

Mum is spending
Christmas on a cruise.

An early Christmas
present from Niles.

Yes, I didn't think
she'd go for it,

but apparently, in
international waters,

they can play
single-deck blackjack.

FRASIER: Oh.

NILES: Um, actually, Frasier,

Daphne and I would
like to have you over

to our place for
Christmas this year.

Yeah, we just put up our tree

and everything looks so lovely.

And it is our first Christmas
as a married couple.

Well, as lovely
as that sounds...

Oh, come on, why not?

Well, Niles, because
it's a little late

to be changing things, isn't it?

Besides, we've always
had Christmas here.

It's a tradition!

"Wassail... A Christmas punch."

Frasier, you've had Christmas
for the past nine years.

Yes, but we agreed when
you hosted Thanksgiving

that we would have Christmas
here in its traditional setting.

Maybe it's time to
start a new tradition.

But I've had new stockings
loomed for everyone.

Now, there, you see!

You made me spoil the surprise.

And did no one hear me say

I have ordered an
Hungarian goose?!

Which you are more than welcome

to bring over to our place.

It's not my date.

It's dinner!

Honestly, Niles,

I'm really quite
affronted by this.

If it means this much to him,

why don't we just
let him keep it?

No... no. There is no
reason why just this once

we can't host Christmas
at the Montana.

Frasier's just being a churl.

You're the churl!

You're both a couple of churls!

How about a compromise?

Say, morning at one house,

afternoon at the other.

Well, that's a wonderful idea.

But who gets morning
and who gets afternoon?

Morning. Morning.

I think Niles said it first.

(gasps)

Dad, who do you
think said it first?

I'm sick of everything being
a contest between you two.

All right then, Dad, you decide
where we're having Christmas.

I'm fine with that.

All right, I will.

I need a few days
to think about it.

In the meantime,

decision-making is thirsty work.

Sure could use a beer.

Oh, I'll get it.

No!

No, I'll get it.

A little trick their
mom taught me.

Don't worry, Margie,
you don't need a chimney.

Santa always finds a way in.

You have a Merry Christmas now.

Thank you, Santa.

Ho, ho, ho.

FRASIER: Roz...

Hello.

Oh, hi, Frasier.

Listen, when I'm
at the North Pole,

my name is Snowflake.

It's a little on
the nose, isn't it?

Anyway, here, I was in the mall.

I thought I'd drop off a
donation for the toy drive.

Thank you very much.

Is this for us, too?

No, no.

Actually, this is another
dancing Santa for Dad.

His other one got damaged.

I thought you threw
that thing off the balcony.

Yes, which damaged it.

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho.

Well, Polly, what would
you like Santa to bring you?

He wouldn't have
to bring me anything.

Just show up.

Back off, Twinkle.

I saw him first.

What's this?

Do I sense a little
office romance

here at Santa's Workshop?

( chuckling)

Well, I wouldn't mind.

His name is Rick.

And he's so sweet.

Let me guess...
he's also a hunk.

Well, I wouldn't know.

I haven't seen him without
his Santa get-up yet,

but based on those eyes,
there's definite potential.

Ho, ho, ho.

Santa needs his
favorite helper elf.

Ooh, see that, I'm his favorite.

Down, Snowflake.

I've got this one.

Okay, Twinkle, you go ahead.

Oh, no, is that a zit?

Oh... Snowflake.

Oh. Over here.

Hi.

I just got back from
the costume shop.

I had to get my toes re-curled.

Ah, yes.

Which reminds me...

how are things with Mr. Claus?

Oh, well, I haven't had a
chance to ask him out yet.

What's the matter?

Low elf-esteem?

How long have you
been waiting to say that?

Two days.

I almost called you.

What's this?

Niles with Dad.

I knew it.

Oh, you guys aren't still
fighting about Christmas.

He's fighting, I'm not fighting.

Well, what is the big deal?

Why don't you let
him have Christmas?

Because it's just so unfair.

What's not fair?

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

Well, come on,
Frasier, talk to me.

Use your words.

It's just so egregious.

Smaller words.

I don't know.

Okay, look, it just seems

that Niles is systematically
emptying my home.

We used to have Thanksgiving
dinner there... gone.

Daphne... gone.

If I let him have Christmas,
I'll have nothing left.

Just end up some
doddering old bachelor

sipping tea and keeping the
apartment at a balmy 78 degrees!

And how is that
different from now?

Excuse me.

I smell skullduggery afoot.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Fras.

New thermos?

Niles, I never thought
you'd stoop so low.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Just buying Dad some coffee
before driving him to work.

You are trying to bribe Dad

to have Christmas at your place.

Oh, and what about you
buying him the dancing Santa?

A surprising gift

considering you threw
his last one off the balcony.

(gasps): You did what?

That Santa never did
anything to hurt you.

All he ever did was dance
and try to make people happy.

Yes, yes... all right, Dad.

Why'd you do it?

All right!

Why do you have to make
everything so difficult?

Excuse me, Niles, but
I've got news for you.

Copernicus called, and you
are not the center of the universe!

All right, you
two, knock it off.

Let's just settle
this now. Sit down.

Dad, make your decision.

You know, I'm really
disappointed in you guys.

I thought if I gave
you a little time,

you'd be mature enough
to work this out on your own.

Well, you were wrong!

All right, you know what?
I just made my decision.

I'm working Christmas.
Jimmy Daley asked me

to take his shift,

and I'm going to do it
because he'll be happier

with his family
than I am with mine.

Oh, Dad, you can't be serious.

No, no, wait... just calm down

and discuss this rationally.

No. It's too late.

And you don't need
to drive me to work,

I'll call a cab.

I hope you two are happy.

You've ruined Christmas!

MAN: What a jerk!

( booing and hissing)

Not nice.

Dad...

Uh, Niles and I would
like to apologize.

It was untoward of us to argue
over where to have Christmas.

Yeah. Our conduct was
self-absorbed and boorish.

Not that we deserve it, but
please accept our apologies.

Apologies accepted.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

So you'll have
Christmas with us?

Oh, I'm afraid I can't.

I promised Jimmy I'd work,
and I can't go back on it.

When do you start?

6:00 a.m., 12-hour shift.

It's double time, so
I'm not complaining.

No, that's the whole day.

JERRY: Marty, I need
you to let maintenance

into the electrical
closet on seven.

Will do.

See you boys later.

Bye, Dad.

Wow...

( sighs)

Christmas without Dad.

It just won't be...

Christmas.

I know. He's always the
first one under the tree.

Mom always said that
he was her biggest kid

because he could never
wait to open his presents.

( chuckles)

Oh, he always puts
on a brave face,

but I know he especially
misses Mom at Christmas.

Niles...

where is it written

that we have to have
Christmas at either of our homes?

The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002.

No, no. What I'm saying is,

since Dad has to work, why
can't we bring the holiday to him?

You mean... just show
up and surprise him?

I like that.

We can bring all
our gifts, and food!

Oh, better yet, what if
the gifts were already here.

But...

Okay, here's what I'm thinking.

All right...

Take the gifts that are here,

put them under the
tree at my house.

Get the real gifts

and bring them here,
all unbeknownst to Dad.

Brilliant.

Can't you just see us

casually stopping by
on Christmas morning?

"Hello, Dad, Merry Christmas.

"Oh, it's such a shame that
you have to spend Chri...

"Hello?

"What's this I spy?

A present for Martin?"

( imitating Martin): "That's
not for me, those are fake."

"Well, here's another one.

"And one for Niles.

And one for Daphne."

"Oh, geez, it's a miracle."

Oh, Niles, it'll be the best
Christmas we ever had.

Look, I'm getting goose bumps.

Oh, no, Niles,
that's your pine rash.

You're too close to the tree.

Hey... Hi, Roz.

It's me, Rick.

Oh, my God, Rick, I
didn't even recognize you.

Roz and I volunteer
down at the mall together.

Rick plays Santa.

Daphne, this is
Rick. Rick, Daphne.

Oh, Roz has told
me all about you.

Would you like to join us?

I'd love to, but I have to
get back to my day job.

Oh, what do you do?

I'm an investment banker.

Could you excuse
me for one second?

Wow, Roz, you never told
me he was so gorgeous.

Oh, I've never seen him
out of his costume before.

He's successful and
he's got great taste.

Those shoes... Enrico Zaglionis.

Niles is teaching me.

Very nice to meet you, Daphne.

I'll see you tonight, Roz?

Maybe we can take
our break together.

I snuck a bottle of
schnapps into my locker.

Yeah... maybe.

Something wrong?

You don't like schnapps?

No! No, it's just so
strange to see you

without your beard.

You really should grow one.

It'll make your eyes twinkle.

Ah, I tried once.

It kind of came in in tufts.

I looked like a dog on Rogaine.

( all chuckle)

( Rick laughs)

What was that?

I laughed.

That's your laugh?

Yeah.

Wow, at the mall,
it's so booming.

I know, I hate that.

It really kills my throat.

Very nice to meet you.

Bye-bye.

I'll see you later. Bye.

Why are you being so weird?

He seems perfect.

I don't know.

Just wasn't what
I was expecting.

Something's missing.

Like what?

I don't know.

You know what?

At the mall, he
has all this warmth,

and he's got this
jolly sense of humor.

Oh, you should see
him when he laughs.

His whole stomach shakes.

Oh, my God, you're in
love with Santa Claus.

No, I'm not.

Well, it makes sense
when you think about it.

Santa's the perfect man.

He's a good listener,
he likes to travel,

gives great presents.

Give me a break.

Admit it.

You want the jelly belly.

Okay, don't be gross.

You want to bang
boots with the big boy.

( laughs)

I got to get to work.

You want to get your paws
on the Claus, is more like it.

Stop it, Daphne.

That's enough!

One more.

You're a ho, ho, ho.

Ah...

Dad! What are you
doing still sitting there?

I told you ten minutes
ago that we were going out

for some Christmas
Eve ice cream.

Oh, I changed my mind.

Eddie and I are too
bloated from the nog.

Well, then, maybe we should
take Eddie and walk it off.

Come on, mister, let's go.

No, got to be up early
tomorrow morning for work.

Could sure use something
to nibble on though.

No, no, no, no, no!

Stop pushing. Stop pushing.

Dad's still here.

I couldn't get rid of him.

You'll have to come
back in an hour.

No, no, no, we can't do that.

The maintenance
man in Dad's building

was so nervous about us
taking these out of the lobby,

I promised him we'd
have our real gifts

back under his tree by 10:00.

All right, what we need
is a really good distraction.

I'll tell you what.

Knock when you've
thought of one.

What were you doing out there?

Nothing.

Thought I heard the door knock.

( knocking on door)

Hey, that's pretty good.

Oh. Hello, guys.

Dad, look who it is.
It's Niles and Daphne.

I see them.

So what brings you two here?

Good question, Frasier. Daphne?

I need your father's
help with a present.

And that's what
we're doing here.

Exactly. Yes.

Come on, Martin, we
can do this in my old room.

No problem.

Okay, now.

Real presents go out
in the hall by the door.

Fake presents under the tree.

Niles, did you notice
my Christmas village?

Would you like to see smoke
waft out of the cobbler's chimney?

Maybe later.

Frasier, I have to warn you.

These prop boxes are heavy.

Some idiot weighed
them down with bricks.

Just our luck we get the
only method lobby decorator

in all of Seattle.

How much time do you think
Daphne can buy us with Dad?

Not much.

They're just putting batteries

in the digital camera
we're giving you.

Act surprised. Right.

DAPHNE ( loudly):
I said I'd get them.

You'll never find them.

How could you ask
me to put batteries in

and not bring any batteries?

( gasps): Now, boys,
you know the rules.

No shaking the presents.

You see, Niles, I told you.

Found them. Let's go.

( softly): Daphne!

No more surprises.

Oh, you mean like
finding your father here

when the apartment's
supposed to be empty?

Well, you can blame
that on the nog.

Frasier, I don't think I'm
going to sleep tonight.

I feel like I'm ten years old.

Only this time we
had the merry task

of being Santa.

Niles, I'm so sorry

that we almost
ruined Christmas...

Stop. Stop. What?

I just took that
from under the tree.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

I know, 'cause that's real.

And all the fake ones are
out in the pile by the door.

By the elevator door?

No, by the apartment door.

That's where all
the fake ones are.

Great.

Now what do we do?

Oh, here, all right.

You take these. Yes.

Give me these.

What are we...?

Where do we go?

How the hell should I know?

MARTIN: That's a flat head
and I need a Phillips head.

NILES: See, I told you
if you rearrange them

they'd look fuller.

Yes, yes, I see what
you mean, Niles.

It's all a matter
of perspective.

Wow, looks like twice as many.

Put them back the way they were
and show me how you did that.

Got the Phillips. Let's go.

He could be an
assassin in those slippers.

Are you two going
to switch the presents

or are you going to
stand around arguing

about whose Christmas
village is bigger?

( gasps): I knew it.

You didn't compliment mine
because you have one, too.

I didn't compliment yours

because yours is
so poorly laid out.

All right, we don't
have time for this.

Now which ones are which?

I've got it all organized.

Here, take them
out. Are you sure?

Yes, absolutely.
These are the real ones.

These go to Dad,
out in the hall.

And we'll take them
together. Fine, all right.

Good. You go. Fine.

And then, here...
Now we're all set.

All the fake ones
are under the tree.

Yes, you put those
in the elevator.

I'll tell Daphne
the coast is clear.

Do you have any idea
how much I paid for that?

Well, it's not my fault.

Those little plastic hinges
snap off if you look at them.

Now what am I supposed
to give as a gift now?

Oh, stop crying.

Just put a little duct tape
on, it'll be good as new.

It was new.

Here, Daphne, I'll
help you find the tape.

( Eddie barks)

What's the matter, boy?

Too much eggnog, huh?

Okay.

Hey, Daph... be sure and
use the silver duct tape

not the brown.

The silver will
match the camera.

Oop. I mean, uh, the present.

I'm taking Eddie for a walk.

Wait! Dad!

I'll do that. You
should just relax.

No, that's all right.

I need the fresh air.

Oh. What's this? More presents?

Is this why you were trying
to keep me busy back there?

Yes.

( laughs) Oh.

Well, you didn't
need to do that.

Bring them on in.

Frasier, give your
brother a hand.

Mix them all up
so it'll look fuller.

( doorbell rings)

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Niles. Hi.

So how are you?

Well, tired and a little poorer.

I had to bribe the
maintenance man

at Dad's building to
get him to stay late.

Oh, which reminds
me, on your next show,

you have to give something
called a "shout-out"

to a Steve Gomez.

Right.

DAPHNE: This is so exciting.

I can't wait to see the
look on your father's face

when we go over
there and surprise him.

Merry Christmas!

Dad... what are you doing here?

Yeah, aren't you
supposed to be at work?

The boss called. I
don't have to go in.

Seems he was feeling guilty

about my missing
Christmas with my family.

Ooh.

Heavy.

This must be a good one.

Unless it's a book.

But who's covering the desk?

Nobody.

She's shut down
tight till tomorrow.

Now I have just enough
patience to wait for cocoa

before I start
tearing into these.

Um... Dad...?

Don't tell me there's no cocoa.

( knocking on glass)

Hello?

Hello?!

You'd think there'd
be a custodian

or someone in there.

Ah, I knew it was a long shot.

Won't be anybody in
till tomorrow morning.

Sorry, Dad.

Oh, forget it.

That was a really sweet gesture.

Would've been terrific, but...

I've already received my gift.

You know...

we could throw a brick
through the glass...

but they're all wrapped
up under our tree.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Happy holidays, everybody!