Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 11 - Door Jam - full transcript
Owing to an item of misdirected mail, Frasier learns of a very exclusive new spa in Seattle called La Porte d'Argent. When he discovers that membership is strictly by invitation only, he persuades Niles to masquerade as Cam Winston (whose name is on the list) so they can get past the receptionist. Once inside, they find the service expensive but excellent, and are quite contented until they discover that there is an even more exclusive gold membership. Roz calls in a favor to get the brothers admitted, and they enjoy the luxurious pampering - until they notice yet another door, this one completely unguarded. Believing it to be the entrance to an even higher level of membership, they sneak through only to find themselves locked out of the spa in its garbage-strewn back alley. At the same time, Martin and Daphne are struggling to bond after she became his daughter-in-law, finding a common fondness of old television shows like M*A*S*H.
Ow! All right!
All right, I'll talk!
Just make the pain stop!
Oh, shut up.
I'm just trying to
get the blood flowing.
More like make me hemorrhage.
Don't tempt me.
Oh, God, you broke something!
Too bad it wasn't
your bloody pie hole.
There, we're done, you big baby.
What? Already?
Oh, that felt great. Oh!
I feel like a new man.
I love your new table.
Oh, you're sweet.
Can I make you a sandwich?
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah.
Oh, by the way, Daph,
you know, they're showing
the first ever episode
of Rockford today.
If you're really serious
about becoming
an American citizen
maybe you ought to watch it.
Ah...
Well, now you've
opened it. That's mail theft.
Nonsense.
What's going on?
FRASIER: Nothing.
Just another piece
of Cam Winston's mail
has found its way into our box.
It's been happening a lot
since we switched mailboxes.
Even after I gave the
postman a stern lecture.
Especially after.
FRASIER: Anyway, it
was an honest mistake.
Cam and I are on all
the same mailing lists
and I'm sure mine is in his box.
Besides, it's nothing personal.
Look, it's just an announcement
for some place called
La Porte D'Argent.
Probably just another
froufrou restaurant
or froufrou clothing store.
No, no, no. This
is not froufrou, Dad,
as evidenced by the
manly scent of balsam.
They obviously deal with
a very upscale clientele.
Hmm.
Oh! La Porte D'Argent.
Someone at the racquet
club was talking about this.
It's very, very exclusive.
Yes?
That's all I know.
Some ill-mannered person
started up his blow dryer
before I could hear any more.
Hello.
NILES: Oh, Daphne, Daphne,
did I get one of these
in the mail today?
No, I don't think so.
Poor Niles.
What's this about?
Oh, they're all worked up
over some smelly invitation
Frasier stole to some
place they never heard of.
Oh.
Yes, but that's what's
so intriguing, Dad.
That there exists an
exclusive place in Seattle
that neither of us knows about.
Could be an art gallery
or-or a new haberdashery.
Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
What's happening?
It's a machine. Oh.
It's asking me to enter
my six-digit access code.
What'll I do?
Why don't you just punch
in whatever keys spell out
"snobby."
You know, it might
be worth a try.
Oh! Denied!
Oh! The allure of
La Porte D'Argent
has increased tenfold.
All right, here's our plan:
We'll go to the
university computer lab,
bribe some hungry hacker
and once he's tapped
into their mainframe
La Porte D'Argent will offer up
her sweet secret like a blushing
bride on her wedding night.
Why don't you just go down there
and ask them what they do?
All right, Dad.
That's a plan "B."
Hello.
Uh, is this La Porte D'Argent?
Yes, it is.
Ah, good.
Say, someone was
asking me earlier today
about La Porte D'Argent
and I had a-a difficult
time characterizing it.
Uh, what would you tell him?
We try to discourage
word of mouth.
That's exactly what I said.
So, oh, well, I'm here to
take advantage of your offer.
Sure. Can I have
your name, please?
Yes. Frasier Crane.
( keyboard keys clacking)
I'm not finding you.
Try Dr. Frasier Crane.
Perhaps you've heard
my popular radio show.
I'm not really a radio person.
( clears throat)
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.
You're not on the list.
I can't let you in.
But I have an invitation.
Yes, but you're not on the list.
Yes, but I do
have an invitation.
But you aren't on the list.
Yes, well, if I were on the list
then I wouldn't need
an invitation, would I?
I would just say,
"I'm on the list."
Therefore, the invitation
supersedes the list.
No, invitations are given
out only to those on the list.
Aha. But you do concede
that I have a valid invitation?
Yes.
Then it naturally follows
that I would be on the list.
But you're not.
Then how did I
get the invitation?
I really don't know.
You could have stolen it.
Are you accusing
me of deception?
Cam! Cam Winston!
( chuckling): There you are.
( deep voice): Hello, Frasier.
FRASIER: You know,
while I was waiting for you
I decided to test the
mettle of this young man.
I'm pleased to report
that he follows the rules
of La Porte
D'Argent to the letter.
( both laugh)
Anyway...
I am a guest of
Mr. Cam Winston's here.
Uh, he told me to meet him here.
Gave me the
invitation, and here I am.
Yes, I'm Cam Winston,
and he's my guest
and I asked him to meet me here.
Oh!
Here you are, Mr. Winston.
Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.
Ah, thank you. I hope
you both enjoy your stay.
Take a moment to
look over our services
and I'll be back
in just a moment.
Niles, it's a day spa!
( deep voice): Good
gravy, this is fantastic.
Would you stop
talking like that?
It's the worst impersonation
of Cam Winston
I've ever heard.
You've heard another one?
Of course not.
Then it's the best.
Now you're stuck
talking like that all day.
Here are your keys, gentlemen.
Your aestheticians
will be with you shortly.
Thank you. ( clears
throat) Thank you.
( normal voice): Thank you.
Oh, good, I've been
waiting for that all morning.
Oh, Niles...
the air vetting massage
sounds splendid.
"Two therapists at once
"using hot stones
"and a blend of essential oils
personally created
for your dosha."
I think I'll have the
aroma therapy Swedish.
Oh, Niles.
Look at this bounty.
Take a risk. Be a man.
The "Chardonnay
Rose Hips Salt Glow"?
Now, that's more like it.
Oh, lovely.
Right this way.
Thank you. Frasier, Frasier,
river rocks and a
stalk of wheat. Ooh.
Ooh.
( water burbling, new
age music playing)
I knew it was going to be good,
but I had no idea it
would be this good.
I feel like I've been
rubbed by angels.
Niles, I just wish you had tried
the vasotocin aqua
therapy treatment.
I feel as if I've had a
rebirthing experience.
I've never felt
better in my life.
I'm so polished, my
entire body is squeaking.
( laughs)
Ah, hello.
How was everything?
Oh... Heaven.
Nirvana.
I'm so glad.
Now this is a breakdown
of your services.
Ah.
( coughs)
Oh.
Nirvana ain't cheap.
Well...
Well, it's worth it, I suppose.
What do you say we make this
a standing appointment, Niles?
I think we owe it
to ourselves. Yes.
I'd be happy to set that up.
Ah! Now, I've also put together
a personal La Porte
D'Argent product system
for each of you
based on the recommendations
of your aestheticians.
Oh, Niles, this smells great.
Try that.
The mid-afternoon,
antistress spritz.
Mm-hmm.
I've never even heard
of "eyelash conditioner."
Ah.
Hence the brittle lashes.
Hey, isn't that Senator Ogden?
It is.
Oh, Niles, this just
gets better and better.
Balanced skin and
social advancement
all in one setting. I'm
going to go say hello.
I'm sorry.
That area is restricted to
our Gold Level members.
You have a gold level?
How do you get in?
You'd have to be on the list.
But we are on the list.
The Gold List.
FRASIER: This is absurd!
I'm a member of every
exclusive club in this entire town.
You must have a reciprocal
membership with one of them.
I'm sorry.
But you're more than welcome
to enjoy the many amenities
of the Silver Level.
And just how are we
supposed to enjoy this?!
And this isn't working!
You never told me
Rockford was Maverick.
Well, technically, he's not
Maverick in this... he's Rockford.
Even though we all know
he's secretly Maverick.
I can see why
you like this show.
Yeah.
What's not to like?
Solving crimes,
pretty girls, car chases.
Leisure suits.
Yeah!
Rockford's dad
reminds me of you.
What are you talking about?
Rockford's dad.
You're just like him:
cranky but lovable.
The hell I am.
I'm like Rockford.
How do you get that?
Well, come on.
He solves crimes,
I solved crimes.
We're both in tune with
the beat of the street.
He's the kind of guy
that men want to be
and women want to be with.
When this show first came out,
everybody used to
say I was like Rockford.
I'm sorry, I don't see it.
You still remind me of his dad.
Rocky? But he's old.
Oh, I see.
I didn't mean that.
I just meant there's
something about him
that reminds me of you.
Yeah, his oldness?
Oh, stop it.
If you want to be Rockford,
you can be Rockford.
I don't care. Fine.
Then let's just watch it.
I don't want to
watch this anymore.
Congratulations... you've
ruined Rockford for me.
I had a nagging
feeling the whole time
they were holding
something back on purpose.
"Blended for your
dosha," indeed!
They wouldn't know my
dosha if they fell over it!
So what kind of a hoity-toity
place did it end up being?
It was a hellhole!
They have the nerve
to call it a day spa
when it's nothing more
than a-a mere front
for a bona fide luxury spa
which taunts those kept at
bay outside its golden door.
If you didn't go in, how
do you know it's better?
FRASIER: It had to be.
The door was gold.
Ours was only silver.
Gold is better than silver.
Stupid silver.
Well, you'll always be in
my exclusive club, honey.
Oh, thanks.
And that's all I need.
There must be somebody
who can get us in.
Let's go comb our Rolodexes.
Yes.
There has to be a way
out of the slum they
call the Silver Room.
Why do I keep squeaking?!
Hey, Frasier.
Oh.
Wait till you see this.
( laughing): It is so cool.
Really?
Well, I could use something
to balm my wounds.
( chuckles)
Painful as it is,
I've come to accept
that I shall never pass
through that spa's gold door.
Anyway, I was filing
your new head shot...
Yes, mm-hmm?
And I started looking
through your old ones.
Went back to when
you first started.
Mm-hmm.
( chuckling)
( continues chuckling)
Whoo!
What am I looking at?
Oh, it's like an animation
of your hairline receding.
Isn't that great?
( laughing)
Okay, right now,
here's the good part.
Uh-huh.
It's growing back! Ha.
Receding.
Yes, yes.
Growing back. Yes, yes, yes.
All right, Roz, that's
enough, all right!
Don't be so sensitive. ( groans)
Hi. Hi.
Oh, Niles, no good news,
I suppose?
I've had no luck getting us
into the gold level.
Are you guys really
this bent out of shape
about that gold spa?
Yes.
Why can't you be
happy with the silver one?
'Cause gold is better.
Bull. The only reason
why you want to go there
is because you can't.
We saw a senator going in.
A senator.
We elected him...
He works for us.
How is it fair that our
employee is admitted
while we are shunted off to
the icy depths of silver level?
It's a spa.
How much better could it be?
What, are they going to
carry you around like a sultan?
You going to be
massaged by supermodels?
And then, what if you do
get through the gold door?
What next, the diamond door?
And after that, a titanium door.
And after that,
a plutonium door.
That's ridiculous.
Plutonium's radioactive.
No one's going to
make a door out of it.
Although Roz does
make a point, Niles.
What kind of crazy
fantasy are we chasing?
( sighs)
See? I'm right. Hmm?
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I was just imagining supermodels
with that crook Senator Ogden.
It was Senator Ogden?
I know him.
You do?
ROZ: Yeah.
He really owes me one, too.
Want me to give him a call?
Would you? Absolutely!
How do you know Senator Ogden?
Well... I knew him
a few years ago
when his marriage
was on the rocks.
We kept it very hush-hush.
Thank God I knew CPR.
Rockford is on.
Not interested.
Oh, come on, it
looks like a good one.
Tom Selleck's in it.
Oh, those are good.
Not that I care.
You know, I caught a
few episodes at home,
and I see the
resemblance between you
and a young Jim Rockford.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No one gives him credit
when he has a good idea.
He likes to drive
a little too fast.
He's got my chin.
And he knows how
to work the system,
and the babes love him.
Yes, they do.
( chuckling)
So what do you say?
Oh, okay, why not?
Ah, this is good.
Sorry I got so worked up.
Oh, you can't help it.
You've got principles,
like Rockford.
Okay, let's not
lay it on too thick.
Oh, look at that.
Malibu, California.
FYI, those mountains
you see in the background
are the same ones you see
at the beginning of MASH.
Oh, I love MASH.
Whenever I watch
it, I think of you
serving in Korea
all those years ago.
Just like Colonel Potter.
That's it. Go home.
Why?
Colonel Potter was old
when he did Dragnet!
Colonel Potter... That
funny young doctor
who used to mix
martinis in his tent.
Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye.
Yes, that's who I meant.
Okay.
(birds chirping)
I've taken you to
the relaxation grotto.
We'll just let the wrap
and your orange-honey
butter mask soothe you
while you listen to
the healing sounds
of the Javanese
rain forest, okay?
( squeaky voice): Okay.
Oh, excuse me.
Frasier? Hm?
Frasier, is that you?
Niles. Hi.
I just had a... a color
therapy treatment.
My eyes haven't readjusted yet.
Uh, they sent me
in here to relax.
I'm letting my orange-honey
butter mask set.
Oh.
( sighs)
Roz was so wrong.
( sighs): Ah.
Completely wrong.
( chuckling)
Oh. Yeah, my eyes are better.
Hmm...
Oh, Niles.
You should see this place.
Be my eyes, Frasier.
Well... it's just paradise.
( chuckles)
From the rare, exotic orchids...
the trompe l'oeil sky...
the perfectly bubbled
stream to the...
To the what?
There's a platinum door.
Platinum?
Are you sure?
Yes.
Is it guarded?
No! Just brazenly
standing there.
Then rip the cucumbers
from my eyes, and let's go!
Right.
( grunting)
Niles!
What?
What are we doing? Oh!
This is exactly what Roz said.
No, no. Roz said "diamond door."
Niles, this is heaven.
Right here and now.
Why do we have to think
about someplace else?
This is only heaven
for the people who can't
get into the real heaven...
The platinum heaven.
Niles, why can't we be happy?
Why must we allow
the-the thought of something
that at this point can only
be incrementally better,
ruin what is here and now?
( gasping): I don't know.
Let's figure it out...
on the other side.
No.
I am through chasing
the eternal carrot.
Whatever is behind that door
shall remain behind
that door unseen.
Stay if you want.
I have to know!
Oh, for God's sake, you
can't even walk, you ninny!
All right, all right, I will go.
Just to take a peek.
MAN: I'm sorry, sir.
You're not allowed
through there.
Please remain in
the relaxation grotto.
"Please remain...
in the relaxation grotto"?
Have crueler words
ever been spoken?
Now, that's it...
I am determined
to see where they
think I don't belong.
Take me with you!
( gasps): Niles...
healing warmth and light!
It must be a
magnificent solarium!
Good-bye, sweet
and edible facials.
Hello, radiant, life-giving sun!
It's beautiful! It's beautiful!
Yes! This is where we belong!
Do you smell garbage?
Oh, dear, Niles.
I don't think this
is part of the spa!
Hello!
Hello, anyone in
the relaxation grotto!
Frasier?
Hmm?
Look at all those bees.
Bees?
Niles! Our sweet
and edible facials!
Run!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughs)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!
All right, I'll talk!
Just make the pain stop!
Oh, shut up.
I'm just trying to
get the blood flowing.
More like make me hemorrhage.
Don't tempt me.
Oh, God, you broke something!
Too bad it wasn't
your bloody pie hole.
There, we're done, you big baby.
What? Already?
Oh, that felt great. Oh!
I feel like a new man.
I love your new table.
Oh, you're sweet.
Can I make you a sandwich?
Oh, that'd be great. Yeah.
Oh, by the way, Daph,
you know, they're showing
the first ever episode
of Rockford today.
If you're really serious
about becoming
an American citizen
maybe you ought to watch it.
Ah...
Well, now you've
opened it. That's mail theft.
Nonsense.
What's going on?
FRASIER: Nothing.
Just another piece
of Cam Winston's mail
has found its way into our box.
It's been happening a lot
since we switched mailboxes.
Even after I gave the
postman a stern lecture.
Especially after.
FRASIER: Anyway, it
was an honest mistake.
Cam and I are on all
the same mailing lists
and I'm sure mine is in his box.
Besides, it's nothing personal.
Look, it's just an announcement
for some place called
La Porte D'Argent.
Probably just another
froufrou restaurant
or froufrou clothing store.
No, no, no. This
is not froufrou, Dad,
as evidenced by the
manly scent of balsam.
They obviously deal with
a very upscale clientele.
Hmm.
Oh! La Porte D'Argent.
Someone at the racquet
club was talking about this.
It's very, very exclusive.
Yes?
That's all I know.
Some ill-mannered person
started up his blow dryer
before I could hear any more.
Hello.
NILES: Oh, Daphne, Daphne,
did I get one of these
in the mail today?
No, I don't think so.
Poor Niles.
What's this about?
Oh, they're all worked up
over some smelly invitation
Frasier stole to some
place they never heard of.
Oh.
Yes, but that's what's
so intriguing, Dad.
That there exists an
exclusive place in Seattle
that neither of us knows about.
Could be an art gallery
or-or a new haberdashery.
Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
What's happening?
It's a machine. Oh.
It's asking me to enter
my six-digit access code.
What'll I do?
Why don't you just punch
in whatever keys spell out
"snobby."
You know, it might
be worth a try.
Oh! Denied!
Oh! The allure of
La Porte D'Argent
has increased tenfold.
All right, here's our plan:
We'll go to the
university computer lab,
bribe some hungry hacker
and once he's tapped
into their mainframe
La Porte D'Argent will offer up
her sweet secret like a blushing
bride on her wedding night.
Why don't you just go down there
and ask them what they do?
All right, Dad.
That's a plan "B."
Hello.
Uh, is this La Porte D'Argent?
Yes, it is.
Ah, good.
Say, someone was
asking me earlier today
about La Porte D'Argent
and I had a-a difficult
time characterizing it.
Uh, what would you tell him?
We try to discourage
word of mouth.
That's exactly what I said.
So, oh, well, I'm here to
take advantage of your offer.
Sure. Can I have
your name, please?
Yes. Frasier Crane.
( keyboard keys clacking)
I'm not finding you.
Try Dr. Frasier Crane.
Perhaps you've heard
my popular radio show.
I'm not really a radio person.
( clears throat)
I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.
You're not on the list.
I can't let you in.
But I have an invitation.
Yes, but you're not on the list.
Yes, but I do
have an invitation.
But you aren't on the list.
Yes, well, if I were on the list
then I wouldn't need
an invitation, would I?
I would just say,
"I'm on the list."
Therefore, the invitation
supersedes the list.
No, invitations are given
out only to those on the list.
Aha. But you do concede
that I have a valid invitation?
Yes.
Then it naturally follows
that I would be on the list.
But you're not.
Then how did I
get the invitation?
I really don't know.
You could have stolen it.
Are you accusing
me of deception?
Cam! Cam Winston!
( chuckling): There you are.
( deep voice): Hello, Frasier.
FRASIER: You know,
while I was waiting for you
I decided to test the
mettle of this young man.
I'm pleased to report
that he follows the rules
of La Porte
D'Argent to the letter.
( both laugh)
Anyway...
I am a guest of
Mr. Cam Winston's here.
Uh, he told me to meet him here.
Gave me the
invitation, and here I am.
Yes, I'm Cam Winston,
and he's my guest
and I asked him to meet me here.
Oh!
Here you are, Mr. Winston.
Welcome to La Porte D'Argent.
Ah, thank you. I hope
you both enjoy your stay.
Take a moment to
look over our services
and I'll be back
in just a moment.
Niles, it's a day spa!
( deep voice): Good
gravy, this is fantastic.
Would you stop
talking like that?
It's the worst impersonation
of Cam Winston
I've ever heard.
You've heard another one?
Of course not.
Then it's the best.
Now you're stuck
talking like that all day.
Here are your keys, gentlemen.
Your aestheticians
will be with you shortly.
Thank you. ( clears
throat) Thank you.
( normal voice): Thank you.
Oh, good, I've been
waiting for that all morning.
Oh, Niles...
the air vetting massage
sounds splendid.
"Two therapists at once
"using hot stones
"and a blend of essential oils
personally created
for your dosha."
I think I'll have the
aroma therapy Swedish.
Oh, Niles.
Look at this bounty.
Take a risk. Be a man.
The "Chardonnay
Rose Hips Salt Glow"?
Now, that's more like it.
Oh, lovely.
Right this way.
Thank you. Frasier, Frasier,
river rocks and a
stalk of wheat. Ooh.
Ooh.
( water burbling, new
age music playing)
I knew it was going to be good,
but I had no idea it
would be this good.
I feel like I've been
rubbed by angels.
Niles, I just wish you had tried
the vasotocin aqua
therapy treatment.
I feel as if I've had a
rebirthing experience.
I've never felt
better in my life.
I'm so polished, my
entire body is squeaking.
( laughs)
Ah, hello.
How was everything?
Oh... Heaven.
Nirvana.
I'm so glad.
Now this is a breakdown
of your services.
Ah.
( coughs)
Oh.
Nirvana ain't cheap.
Well...
Well, it's worth it, I suppose.
What do you say we make this
a standing appointment, Niles?
I think we owe it
to ourselves. Yes.
I'd be happy to set that up.
Ah! Now, I've also put together
a personal La Porte
D'Argent product system
for each of you
based on the recommendations
of your aestheticians.
Oh, Niles, this smells great.
Try that.
The mid-afternoon,
antistress spritz.
Mm-hmm.
I've never even heard
of "eyelash conditioner."
Ah.
Hence the brittle lashes.
Hey, isn't that Senator Ogden?
It is.
Oh, Niles, this just
gets better and better.
Balanced skin and
social advancement
all in one setting. I'm
going to go say hello.
I'm sorry.
That area is restricted to
our Gold Level members.
You have a gold level?
How do you get in?
You'd have to be on the list.
But we are on the list.
The Gold List.
FRASIER: This is absurd!
I'm a member of every
exclusive club in this entire town.
You must have a reciprocal
membership with one of them.
I'm sorry.
But you're more than welcome
to enjoy the many amenities
of the Silver Level.
And just how are we
supposed to enjoy this?!
And this isn't working!
You never told me
Rockford was Maverick.
Well, technically, he's not
Maverick in this... he's Rockford.
Even though we all know
he's secretly Maverick.
I can see why
you like this show.
Yeah.
What's not to like?
Solving crimes,
pretty girls, car chases.
Leisure suits.
Yeah!
Rockford's dad
reminds me of you.
What are you talking about?
Rockford's dad.
You're just like him:
cranky but lovable.
The hell I am.
I'm like Rockford.
How do you get that?
Well, come on.
He solves crimes,
I solved crimes.
We're both in tune with
the beat of the street.
He's the kind of guy
that men want to be
and women want to be with.
When this show first came out,
everybody used to
say I was like Rockford.
I'm sorry, I don't see it.
You still remind me of his dad.
Rocky? But he's old.
Oh, I see.
I didn't mean that.
I just meant there's
something about him
that reminds me of you.
Yeah, his oldness?
Oh, stop it.
If you want to be Rockford,
you can be Rockford.
I don't care. Fine.
Then let's just watch it.
I don't want to
watch this anymore.
Congratulations... you've
ruined Rockford for me.
I had a nagging
feeling the whole time
they were holding
something back on purpose.
"Blended for your
dosha," indeed!
They wouldn't know my
dosha if they fell over it!
So what kind of a hoity-toity
place did it end up being?
It was a hellhole!
They have the nerve
to call it a day spa
when it's nothing more
than a-a mere front
for a bona fide luxury spa
which taunts those kept at
bay outside its golden door.
If you didn't go in, how
do you know it's better?
FRASIER: It had to be.
The door was gold.
Ours was only silver.
Gold is better than silver.
Stupid silver.
Well, you'll always be in
my exclusive club, honey.
Oh, thanks.
And that's all I need.
There must be somebody
who can get us in.
Let's go comb our Rolodexes.
Yes.
There has to be a way
out of the slum they
call the Silver Room.
Why do I keep squeaking?!
Hey, Frasier.
Oh.
Wait till you see this.
( laughing): It is so cool.
Really?
Well, I could use something
to balm my wounds.
( chuckles)
Painful as it is,
I've come to accept
that I shall never pass
through that spa's gold door.
Anyway, I was filing
your new head shot...
Yes, mm-hmm?
And I started looking
through your old ones.
Went back to when
you first started.
Mm-hmm.
( chuckling)
( continues chuckling)
Whoo!
What am I looking at?
Oh, it's like an animation
of your hairline receding.
Isn't that great?
( laughing)
Okay, right now,
here's the good part.
Uh-huh.
It's growing back! Ha.
Receding.
Yes, yes.
Growing back. Yes, yes, yes.
All right, Roz, that's
enough, all right!
Don't be so sensitive. ( groans)
Hi. Hi.
Oh, Niles, no good news,
I suppose?
I've had no luck getting us
into the gold level.
Are you guys really
this bent out of shape
about that gold spa?
Yes.
Why can't you be
happy with the silver one?
'Cause gold is better.
Bull. The only reason
why you want to go there
is because you can't.
We saw a senator going in.
A senator.
We elected him...
He works for us.
How is it fair that our
employee is admitted
while we are shunted off to
the icy depths of silver level?
It's a spa.
How much better could it be?
What, are they going to
carry you around like a sultan?
You going to be
massaged by supermodels?
And then, what if you do
get through the gold door?
What next, the diamond door?
And after that, a titanium door.
And after that,
a plutonium door.
That's ridiculous.
Plutonium's radioactive.
No one's going to
make a door out of it.
Although Roz does
make a point, Niles.
What kind of crazy
fantasy are we chasing?
( sighs)
See? I'm right. Hmm?
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
I was just imagining supermodels
with that crook Senator Ogden.
It was Senator Ogden?
I know him.
You do?
ROZ: Yeah.
He really owes me one, too.
Want me to give him a call?
Would you? Absolutely!
How do you know Senator Ogden?
Well... I knew him
a few years ago
when his marriage
was on the rocks.
We kept it very hush-hush.
Thank God I knew CPR.
Rockford is on.
Not interested.
Oh, come on, it
looks like a good one.
Tom Selleck's in it.
Oh, those are good.
Not that I care.
You know, I caught a
few episodes at home,
and I see the
resemblance between you
and a young Jim Rockford.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No one gives him credit
when he has a good idea.
He likes to drive
a little too fast.
He's got my chin.
And he knows how
to work the system,
and the babes love him.
Yes, they do.
( chuckling)
So what do you say?
Oh, okay, why not?
Ah, this is good.
Sorry I got so worked up.
Oh, you can't help it.
You've got principles,
like Rockford.
Okay, let's not
lay it on too thick.
Oh, look at that.
Malibu, California.
FYI, those mountains
you see in the background
are the same ones you see
at the beginning of MASH.
Oh, I love MASH.
Whenever I watch
it, I think of you
serving in Korea
all those years ago.
Just like Colonel Potter.
That's it. Go home.
Why?
Colonel Potter was old
when he did Dragnet!
Colonel Potter... That
funny young doctor
who used to mix
martinis in his tent.
Oh, you're thinking of Hawkeye.
Yes, that's who I meant.
Okay.
(birds chirping)
I've taken you to
the relaxation grotto.
We'll just let the wrap
and your orange-honey
butter mask soothe you
while you listen to
the healing sounds
of the Javanese
rain forest, okay?
( squeaky voice): Okay.
Oh, excuse me.
Frasier? Hm?
Frasier, is that you?
Niles. Hi.
I just had a... a color
therapy treatment.
My eyes haven't readjusted yet.
Uh, they sent me
in here to relax.
I'm letting my orange-honey
butter mask set.
Oh.
( sighs)
Roz was so wrong.
( sighs): Ah.
Completely wrong.
( chuckling)
Oh. Yeah, my eyes are better.
Hmm...
Oh, Niles.
You should see this place.
Be my eyes, Frasier.
Well... it's just paradise.
( chuckles)
From the rare, exotic orchids...
the trompe l'oeil sky...
the perfectly bubbled
stream to the...
To the what?
There's a platinum door.
Platinum?
Are you sure?
Yes.
Is it guarded?
No! Just brazenly
standing there.
Then rip the cucumbers
from my eyes, and let's go!
Right.
( grunting)
Niles!
What?
What are we doing? Oh!
This is exactly what Roz said.
No, no. Roz said "diamond door."
Niles, this is heaven.
Right here and now.
Why do we have to think
about someplace else?
This is only heaven
for the people who can't
get into the real heaven...
The platinum heaven.
Niles, why can't we be happy?
Why must we allow
the-the thought of something
that at this point can only
be incrementally better,
ruin what is here and now?
( gasping): I don't know.
Let's figure it out...
on the other side.
No.
I am through chasing
the eternal carrot.
Whatever is behind that door
shall remain behind
that door unseen.
Stay if you want.
I have to know!
Oh, for God's sake, you
can't even walk, you ninny!
All right, all right, I will go.
Just to take a peek.
MAN: I'm sorry, sir.
You're not allowed
through there.
Please remain in
the relaxation grotto.
"Please remain...
in the relaxation grotto"?
Have crueler words
ever been spoken?
Now, that's it...
I am determined
to see where they
think I don't belong.
Take me with you!
( gasps): Niles...
healing warmth and light!
It must be a
magnificent solarium!
Good-bye, sweet
and edible facials.
Hello, radiant, life-giving sun!
It's beautiful! It's beautiful!
Yes! This is where we belong!
Do you smell garbage?
Oh, dear, Niles.
I don't think this
is part of the spa!
Hello!
Hello, anyone in
the relaxation grotto!
Frasier?
Hmm?
Look at all those bees.
Bees?
Niles! Our sweet
and edible facials!
Run!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Mercy ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughs)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!