Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 12 - The Harassed - full transcript

We'll be right back
with Julia Wilcox

and our new stock
market update after this.

That's it?

That's your big
introduction for Julia?

What happened to the
copy I wrote for you?

Come on, "Julia" does
not rhyme with "moolah."

Well, they're spelled the same.

Oh, they are not. Stop it.

Isn't it enough that she's
getting ten minutes of my show?

Hey, hey, we're
lucky to have her.

Don't be surprised
if she ends up



boosting your ratings a notch.

Yes, but at what cost?

The woman's credibility
is questionable.

She's credible.

The woman was on CNBC.

She had a syndicated column.

You can't hold one
mistake against her.

What'd she do?

She wrote a book called Day
Trade Your Way Out of Debt.

Apparently, some
people lost money.

I don't see you
writing any books.

Now, listen, she's
a little sensitive.

So, I don't want hear
anyone talking about the book

how it ruined her career



that guy who killed
himself in Pennsylva...

Hey, hey, hey!

There she is!

Our financial wizard.

This is Dr. Frasier
Crane. Hello.

And his producer Roz
Doyle. Hi. Nice to meet you.

So, this is my mike?

Yes, yes.

You know, I studied
finance in college.

Hey, that's great.

Do you think you could
get me some coffee, Rizzo?

It's Roz.

Super.

Two creams. Thanks.

So, um, do your intro,
we'll go to a promo

then back to you.

Got it? Intro, promo, you.

So you don't want
me to do the intro last?

Uh, no, because

you see, intro's short...

( chuckles): Oh, I get it.

Very good.

You got one past me.

Enjoy it, it's not
going to happen again.

And these would be my phones.

Yes, yes, of course.

I must say that I enjoyed
your work on CNBC.

I thought you were
an insightful analyst.

And I don't believe that
you were treated fairly.

Oh, thanks.

That makes
everything all better.

Ten seconds.

Oh, thanks.

( coughs): You call this coffee?

Most of it.

( chuckles)

Roz.

Put that over there.

Hello, Seattle. Welcome back.

If you've tuned in for
mental health advice

with an erudite twist,

well, then, my show will be
back up at the top of the hour.

But now for something
new, yet germane

as finances can be the cause

of that old bugaboo...
Stress. Here now...

Good afternoon,
I'm Julia Wilcox.

Today's market swerved

like a nervous student driver

before finally winding
up in a nice, safe neutral.

We'll discuss, plus:

Are pharmaceutical stocks
still worth prescribing?

Now this.

Excuse me.

I was supposed to introduce you.

You were cutting into my time.

Well, I was giving you

a hospitable segue.

You see, I thought that
since you're new here

I could lend you
my equity, if you will.

It was just a courtesy.

Some days on the market

it's black Friday, but today

with the Nasdaq slightly down

and the Dow slightly
up, it was more like

plaid Monday.

Analysts spoke
out of both sides...

Next time I'll get the coffee.

Hey, Roz. What you reading?

Julia's book.

Listen to this. "Chapter Four

How to Sell Your House
and Start a Dot-Com."

Hey, guys.

Oh, Roz, I can't believe
you shelled out three dollars

to revel in someone
else's misfortune.

I was curious.

Well, you can get the
same thing on tape for $1.50.

Get this...

It's read by Martha Stewart.

How's that for your
double whammy?

( laughing)

We should just get rid of her.

I mean, if she were nice

it'd be one thing.

But she's just
rude and arrogant.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
nobody's getting rid of anybody.

She just filed suit against
CNBC for wrongful termination.

Legal wants us to
treat her with kid gloves.

Truth be told...

I actually feel sorry for her.

She has suffered
a very public fall.

She must be carrying
all kinds of guilt

about the people who lost their
savings following her advice.

You know, perhaps I
should have a talk with her.

I wondered how
long it would take.

What?

For you to make your move.

I thought there were some
sparks between you two.

What are you talking about?

Don't play innocent.

She is right up your alley.

Smart, tough... total bitch.

You can't wait

to break through that
wall and rescue her.

Oh, Roz, you couldn't
be more off the mark.

Typical man.

You always want to get
in there and rescue us.

But the minute things get
messy, you just can't handle it.

Ha!

Women want to make
us think that they're tough.

And then all of a
sudden, they get needy.

Men are like, "Come on,
baby, you can lean on me.

Oops, got to go."

Yeah, women are like, "Get
away, get away. Don't leave me."

Here's men: ( deep groan)

Here's women: ( helpless squeal)

( deep groaning) ( squeals)

All right, stop it, both of you!

Hello, all.

Hello, Niles.

How's it going?

We're just discussing a new

rather unpleasant
colleague of ours.

Be thankful that
you're self-employed.

You don't have to deal
with these headaches.

Oh, not so. I was
hoping to come here

and complain about
my office remodel.

I'm annexing the
dermatologist's office next door.

And in a cheap irony,
my skin is breaking out.

Oh, your spackle allergy again?

I'm covered with tiny bumps.

It's worse than the summer

we added the breakfast
nook to the tree house.

Could I have my usual?

Thank you.

ROZ: There she is.

Don't come over, don't
come over, don't come over.

Oh, look who's too good for us.

You know what?

I think I will go and
offer her an olive branch.

( low groan) Oh, stop it.

( helpless squeal) Knock it off.

Hello, Julia.

Hello.

Listen, I, uh...

I'm sorry that the
two of us got off

to a bit of a frosty start.

But I think that in time

we will have a very long
and rewarding relationship.

Okay.

May I tell you a story?

( sighs)

Years ago, I lived in Boston.

I was in private practice
then and life was very good.

And then my wife left me.

I ended up on a ledge,
threatening to throw myself off

if she didn't return to me.

Thank you.

Well...

this got on the news, of course.

And needless to say, after that

patients were a
little hard to come by.

So...

just wanted you to know
that I, too, have suffered

a very public setback.

Oh, I get it.

You're letting me
know I'm not alone.

Exactly.

And now we can be friends.

Well, if that's how you feel.

Let's see, how do I feel?

Well, it's sort of
like on your show

when you call people at
home to give them advice...

Actually, I don't call
them, they call me.

Exactly.

Well.

Good day, then.

Why would you let Niles

bring all his patients
to your home?

It's only a couple more weeks

until his office is finished.

Well, I sure wouldn't want
to have all those crazies over.

I mean, what if one of them
starts screaming obscenities

or running through
the house naked?

Mum already did that when
England lost in the World Cup.

Hey. Hello, all. Hello.

How was the Wine Expo?

Horrible!

Frasier ran into a fan.

Ow, that smarts.

Yes, Dad.

You have been using
that same old joke

for the last ten years.

So anyway, I
ran into this fan...

Ouch. Are you okay?

So, this woman complimented me

on my so-called

chemistry with that harpy Julia.

Have you ever heard anything

more preposterous?

Good lord, the woman sneezed
once and I said, "Bless you."

That has been the
extent of our byplay.

You've been complaining
about her so much lately

I'm beginning to wonder

if there's not
something deeper there.

I will not even dignify
that with a response.

Except to say that you
couldn't be more wrong.

I don't know, Frasier.
She's certainly attractive.

And she's intelligent,
ambitious, tenacious...

Sounds like your perfect woman.

She is a cold,
insufferable know-it-all.

And the list goes on and on.

All right, that's it.

No more talking about Julia.

Oh...

so it's "Julia" now.

( teasingly): Oh...

It has always been Julia.

That is her name.

She does seem to have
you disproportionately upset.

You haven't been so
consumed with one subject

since Frasier Crane Day.

Listen, my outrage
is completely merited.

That woman is
deliberately trying

to undermine my
show from within.

I am sorry to
disappoint all of you

but I have absolutely no
feelings for that woman

except contempt.

There he goes again.

You know what they say about
people who protest too much?

I know what you used to say...

"They should all be teargassed."

I still think that, you know.

Ah, here you are.

Listen...

It's time the two
of us had it out.

Ever since you arrived here

you have been nothing but
condescending and dismissive.

Whatever.

There, you did it again.

You know what
this is really about?

It's about you losing 15
minutes from your precious show.

What are you talking
about? It's ten minutes.

Sorry. Starting Monday, I do
the last 15 minutes of your show

with a half-hour
recap on Fridays.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have places to be.

No, I will not excuse you.

I am reaching out to you here.

Yeah, will you cut that out?

It's like you're trying to
make me your special project.

Why don't you just
adopt a cat or something?

As your colleague

I do not deserve to
be treated this way.

Oh, no, we are
hardly colleagues.

I deliver the news
and you're a...

Magic Eight Ball
with a Harvard degree.

( gasps deeply)

I will not be belittled
by a half-educated

money-grubbing parvenu!

As opposed to some
foreign-speaking windbag!

That makes you
an insecure fraud!

You are a pompous blowhard!

Harridan! Know-it-all!

Shrew! Snob!

Are you as turned on as I am?

What? No!

Did you just come on to me?!

What? No... No, I
thought... I thought that...

How could you
think I was turned on?

What, are you sick?!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
let's all calm down here.

Are you crazy?

No, I apologize! I... I...

( disgusted groan)

Hi, guys!

Oh, hey, Dr. Crane. How...

They hate me, don't they.

Can you blame them?

Because of you, they
had to come in here

for this sexual
harassment seminar.

( sighing): I know.

But I have apologized

till I'm blue in the face.

I know, but Legal
wants us covered

in case Julia tries
to come after us.

Maybe you've heard:

She loves suing
people's asses off.

I'm going to miss
saying "asses."

After today, I guess
it's back to "patootie."

Thanks a lot, Doc.

Hi. Welcome.

Please take a workbook.

Hey, Frasier. Mmm.

Thanks for ruining my weekend.

Oh, Roz...

Come on, you know
it was just a mistake.

What do you think I am,

some sort of
disgusting Lothario?

Hey! There's my man!

Welcome. Please take a workbook.

Got an old one.

Hey, I know you're
down. Don't sweat it.

Rookie mistake.

By the way, the chick at the
coffee table's got her high beams on.

( barks)

( clears throat)

KENNY: Okay, people,
let's get this started.

Uh, first of all, I apologize

for bringing everyone
in here today,

but to make it up to you,

everyone attending today
will get a free mousepad.

How's that?

ROZ: It sucks.

All right, who said that?

I did.

Fair enough.

Now, I don't want
to blame anyone...

( sneezing): Frasier!

But Legal says that
we have to do this,

so here's Van Andrews
from "Harassment Solutions."

Okay, guys...

I'm Van, I'll be
your facilitator,

and if you could go ahead and
just open up your workbooks,

we'll get started on building

a truly gender-neutral
workplace, okay?

Now, who wants to
meet my puppets?

( everyone groaning)

STEVE: Wow, this is great!

I like coming over
to your house.

It's really nice.

Thanks.

So maybe you could come
over to my house next week,

since we're doing stuff at
each other's houses now.

Uh, thanks for the offer,
Steve, but this isn't a social call.

We're having our
regular session.

I really want this to feel

just like the office.

Okay. Um...

Well, I've been having
my dream again. Uh...

( knocking)

Uh, yes?

Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Crane

but I got to run
these toilet fixtures

past you.

Your wife said you definitely

want to be consulted about that.

STEVE: I never pictured you

having a bathroom!

Um, it isn't a good time.

If you...

I'm sorry, I didn't realize
your session had begun.

Why don't you just
wait in the living room?

Okay, but just so you know

the heated seat you
want's on back order.

Again, I'm sorry, Niles,
but while I have you here

do you want anything
from the shops?

No. I'm good.

Okay, then I'm off.

Happy therapy.

( clears throat)

So, back to your dream.

Your wife seems nice.

She's foreign.

That's weird.

And then, I guess
it shouldn't be.

I mean, it would only make sense

that you have a wife
and a bathroom and...

and you probably
have a bed and laundry

and that thing I
can't talk about.

Refrigerator.

Right.

Okay, well, we're not really
here to learn about my life,

we're here to talk about
you, so... back to your dream.

Okay, um, well,
I'm in this forest...

( phone rings)

Do you want to get that, or...?

Nope, nope, it's okay.
The machine'll get it.

Uh, now, you remember,
as we discussed

the forest could be a
symbol of uncharted territory.

Um, could be...

DAPHNE ( on machine):
♪ Nobody's home... ♪

NILES ( on machine):
♪ Nobody's home... ♪

BOTH ( "Beethoven's Fifth"): ♪ Nobody's
home, nobody's home, nobody's home ♪

♪ Nobody's home, nobody's
home, nobody's home ♪

♪ We'll call you back, if
you leave your number ♪

♪ After you hear the ( beep). ♪

So, uh, next week at your place.

( weak laugh)

Okay, Bulldog, in this exercise,

we're going to pretend that
you have an attraction to Roz.

Is that okay?

Well, Van, I feel a
little uncomfortable

about violating
her personal space

even for role-playing,
but... okay.

Okay, Roz.

Bring it on.

Okay.

Go.

Good morning, Roz.

You're looking
professional today.

Thank you, Bulldog.

You're looking
professional today, also.

Why, thank you.

After work, would you
care to join me for a coffee

or non-stimulating beverage?

Please note you retain
the option to say no.

Excellent, Bulldog. Roz?

Thank you,
Bulldog, for you offer,

but I'm uncomfortable with it

as I would prefer to cut
my own arm off and eat it.

Can I have a turn with her?

No, sorry, buddy.

She's not your property!

It's up to Van! I want a turn!

BULLDOG: Sit down, Noel.

Oh, oh, what are
you going to do, huh?

Oh, what are you going to do?

Guys, guys, let's keep our
dialoguing constructive, okay?

I think we're done here.

Why don't you go ahead and...

Oh, great.

Have a seat, okay?

Um, I'd like to say something.

Okay, go ahead, Gil.

From the bottom of my heart,

I apologize for my
wandering eye over the years.

Those whom I mentally
undressed and...

you know who you are...

all I can say... and
it's a poor defense...

Is that I was a product of the
thoughtless machismo of my times.

Thank you, Gil.

But know this:

Gil isn't about to
stop loving the ladies.

VAN: Uh, thank you, Gil.

I think they like to
be called women now.

Ha! Do they ever!

How much longer do we
have to sit for this nonsense?!

Well, Frasier

since you're the one
who brought us here today

maybe you'd like to take a
turn in the warm seat, hmm?

Julia, would you be
comfortable in helping Frasier

learn how he could
have related to you

in a more office-
appropriate manner?

Uh... Julia?

She's playing solitaire
on her palm pilot, Van.

Oh, all right.

VAN: Okay...

in this "no-fault" rewind

let's find out how
Frasier assaulted you.

I did not assault her!

I simply expressed
unhappiness that

she was taking 15
minutes from my show.

She responded by
belittling my profession.

And then he called
me a couple of names

and asked if I was turned on.

VAN: Okay, gang

where did Frasier go wrong?

( murmuring, snapping fingers)

Uh, Bulldog.

People stopped saying
"turned on" 20 years ago.

No, look, look!

I just misread
her... her signals!

I-I thought that her hostility
was displaced attraction.

No, it was just hostility.

Well, of course it was.

That's all there is to you.

Ever since you
arrived at this station

we have reached
out to you in friendship

and all we've gotten in return

is arrogance and
unbridled rudeness!

It's not rudeness,
it's indifference.

I'm sorry I'm not joining
your bowling team

but this is just
a pit stop for me.

I do not intend on
spending the rest of my life

at a station that cuts out
whenever the janitor vacuums!

Ooh.

No offense.

None taken.

And I don't even
know why we're here.

I'm not going to sue
your stupid station.

I mean, how pathetic
would that look?

How dare you.

At KACL, we are a family.

Every person in this room
respects one another...

No, no, no, hold
on a second, Doc.

I'll handle this.

You mentioned something
about not suing us.

Would you put that in writing?

If it gets us out of here.

Sure. That should satisfy Legal.

( happy murmuring)

Okay, wait, wait.

This course isn't
about Legal, okay?

It's about making respecting

each other's personhood fun.

ROZ: Up yours!

Who said that?

ROZ: I did!

You know, you can act
as tough as you want

but I see through you.

Really.

You're not in the
big leagues anymore.

Blame it on the market.

Blame it on bad luck.

But somewhere in
the back of your head

is that nagging voice
that keeps saying

maybe you weren't good enough.

And now that you are here,

you won't form relationships.

You keep everybody
at arm's length.

Anything to convince yourself

that this is just a
stop along the way.

And above it all,

I think you're terrified that
you're going to fail here, too.

Then what do I know?

I'm just a magic eight
ball with a Harvard...

and Oxford degree.

It's 45 past the hour

which means it's time once
again for the woman who...

( clears throat)

is known as Julia Wilcox.

Thank you, Frasier.

Another up day for the markets.

But first, these words from
Patriot Credit Consolidators.

How many times
do I have to tell you

you need to get a
comfortable chair in here.

My leg keeps falling
asleep while I'm on the air.

Who doesn't?

Frasier...

perhaps if you're
at Nervosa later,

I could join you
for a cup of coffee?

Or a non-stimulating beverage?

Please note you retain
the option to say no.

I appreciate that.

And, in time, I believe we
will be able to establish a...

a collegial relationship.

However, I think we
should both acknowledge

the feelings of hostility
that remain between us...

Oh, just say no. Honestly,
do you ever shut up?

Now, see here, I...

The rich got richer
today on Wall Street.

Not news, ordinarily,
but after their recent slide,

today's rally in large cap

does take on a certain
"man bites dog" quality.

Speaking of dogs...

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Oh, my.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again ♪

Frasier has left the building.