Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 7 - Bristle While You Work - full transcript

I suppose you looked
in the classifieds

under "housekeepers." Check.

And you asked people
in your building? Check.

And you called the
employment agencies?

Again, check.

I heard you the first time.

Well...

Who'd have thought
it'd be so hard

to get someone to
clean your house? Well...

over the years Daphne
has managed to scour

her way into our
heart, so to speak.



Just don't want to hire somebody
who's in it for only the money.

So you want to find
someone who's in it

for the joy of cleaning?

Ah. May I?

Oh, of course, Gil.

Take a load off.

Nice outfit, Roz.

Somehow, you and a
peasant blouse just go together.

Thanks.

Haven't worn it for years.

But how long can
something stay in the closet?

Say, uh, Gil...

uh, are you pleased
with your housekeeper?

Oh, you mean Chung?



Oh, yes, he's marvelous.

He's efficient, he's dependable,

and he still hasn't figured
out American money.

Between you and me, I told him

when they made Lincoln's
picture bigger, it was worth more.

( chuckles)

Very funny.

Do you suppose
that your man Friday

might be available on
a Monday or Tuesday?

You want to steal
my Chung? No, no.

Not-Not steal him.

Just borrow him for
a day or two a week

until I can restaff.

A dangerous notion, Frasier.

You know how employees
gossip about their benefactors.

Well, I have nothing to hide.

Yes, but suppose
while on your premises

he lets something
slip about me and Deb

and our heart-shaped bed?

I would refuse to believe him.

Did I mention he's a drug mule?

Oh, he is not.
You're just saying that

'cause you don't
want to help me out.

Such insight.

It's a pity more people
don't listen to your show.

Thank you for coming, Mrs.
Brookins. Of course, we have

several other
candidates to interview,

but I'll be sure to let
you know by the 12th.

Of never!

Honestly, I'm
beginning to wonder

if we'll ever find anyone
that meets our standards.

You're being too picky.

It's just housekeeping,
not rocket science.

DAPHNE: I beg to differ.

You don't even know half

of what I used to
do around here.

Like dusting the plant leaves
or rotating your underwear.

Excuse me?

Every month, I used to
throw out your oldest pair

and put in two new pairs.

Did it ever occur to
you that you never had

to buy underwear in ten years?

I thought I got hold
of a good batch.

FRASIER: Well, let's see.

Who is our
front-runner, thus far?

( wearily): Oh,
I don't know. I...

They're all the same to me.

Honestly, Dad, you
know, I am starting to get

the slightest bit chapped
with your attitude.

You haven't even graded
any of the candidates.

You've simply doodled a warplane

dropping bombs on a soldier.

( doorbell rings)
That's not a soldier.

Well, then why is
he wearing a helmet?

That's not a helmet.

It's someone with a big head.

Yes?

Hi, I'm Trish Haney.

I'm here about the
housekeeper job.

I'm really sorry I'm late.

I had you down for
over an hour ago.

I know. I got stuck in
line waiting to buy tickets

for the Sonics
game this weekend.

Really? Come on in.

I should have guessed
everyone and his brother

would want to see
Vince Carter play.

Not everybody... or his brother.

Wow, this is a beautiful place.

Here's my résumé.

Ah, thank you.
Won't you be seated?

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

This is my father, Martin Crane,

and this is my
sister-in-law, Daphne Crane.

Now, I'll get right
to the interview.

First question:

What is the best way

to combat rings
on a wooden table?

Um...

I've heard you can
rub mayonnaise on it.

The best way is
to provide coasters.

An ounce of prevention
is worth a pound of cure.

( laughs)

Started me out with
a trick question, right?

So how do you think the
Sonics will defend Carter?

Um, you have to have
someone body up on him

and then double-team
when he gets the ball.

Thank you.

DAPHNE: Trish...

if the washing machine
has a 25-minute cycle

and the dryer has
a 40-minute cycle

what time does the second
load have to go in the washer

to be dry by 5:00?

Uh, well, that's 65
minutes, so 3:55.

You may want to take some time

to think about
these questions be...

FRASIER: Daphne...

she's right.

Well done.

Hey, I got a question.

Can you clean a house?

Yes. And if I do say so
myself, I'm pretty good.

Next question:

Can you start Monday?

( chuckles)

You know, we're getting
just a bit ahead of ourselves.

We still have several
people to meet.

Uh, thank you for
coming by. Oh, sure.

That was the interview,
huh? Two questions?

Well, it was really
more of a pre-screening.

We'll be sure to let you know.

Okay, thanks. Just so you know

I'll be out of
town till the first.

Fine. Then I'll be sure
to call you the second...

I lose my mind.

What? What was wrong with her?

In the first place,

she showed up late.

If she doesn't take
the interview seriously

how can we expect her
to take the job seriously?

Ah, you just don't like her
because she's not all stuffy.

She did seem a bit cheeky.

Which you never were.

Well, I'm afraid so
far, our best candidate

is the young man from
Jeepers Sweepers.

I will move out if you
hire that prancing moron.

All right, fine.

Who would you hire?

This-This-This Trish, I suppose?

Well, I was right about Daphne.

Doesn't that count for anything?

You didn't even
want to hire her.

You thought she might steal.

Did you really say that?

Of course not!

I don't remember.

MARTIN: Well, whoever gets hired

is someone I'm going to
have to spend a lot of time with

and I don't need a
lot of quiz questions

and score sheets to get a
feel for someone's character.

Did I look like a thief?
Was it my shifty eyes?

Look, if you don't trust
my judgment, Frasier,

just have the guts to
say so. No, all right.

Fine. You can hire
whoever you want to.

You want this
Trish? Fine, call her.

Great. I'll call her right
now and tell her she's hired.

And I'll tell her where
you keep your valuables.

FRASIER: Oh!

Would you give it a rest?

Hey, Niles. Have a seat.

Thank you.

I'll have my usual.

Oh, no, uh, bottled
water, room temperature.

Hey, slow down, little man.
What are we celebrating?

I can't drink anything
that's too hot.

I have a toothache.

Oh. You been to the dentist?

Yes, but he said the
tooth is perfectly healthy.

I still have this
throbbing pain.

I think I may have
to go to a doctor.

Oh, it's probably
just a sinus infection.

Have you had a cold lately?

A couple of weeks ago,
yes, but I'm-I'm over it.

It's probably what it is.

A sinus infection.

It happens to me all the time.

In all likelihood, I'm sure
you're right. Thank you.

Of course I'm right.
What else could it be?

Actually, a toothache
can be referred pain

from something else.

Referred pain?

That's right.

For example, if I
had a heart condition

I might not have
pain in my chest.

I might have pain in my
tooth, you see? Referred pain.

So, while you're

probably right about
the sinus infection

let's not discount the
one-in-10,000 chance

that it might be
something more serious.

Oh, now I get it.

So the pain in my butt

might actually be coming
from across the table.

Something like that, yes.

Oh, look.

I'm the winner of a fanny pack.

Congratulations. Thank you.

You have no idea
what it is, do you?

Uh, not really, no.

Hey, look...

It says here

the odds of winning
it are one in 10,000.

Ooh... spooky.

Same odds as

that toothache
being a heart attack.

Maybe it's a sign.

It's a good sign. By
beating those odds once,

it makes it that
much more unlikely

that something so improbable
can happen to me again.

WOMAN: Niles. Mmm.

Hello, Daphne.

Okay, that's weird.

MARTIN: So,
that's the grand tour.

Hard to know where to start.

I don't have much
time before I have to go.

What? You're leaving already?

Yeah, um, I have
this lunch thing.

I hope you don't mind.

Well, the problem
is it's this friend

that I've been putting off
because I've been too busy

but now I finally don't
have any excuse.

We're going to try that new
rib place down in Belltown.

Oh, I hear that's great.

Yeah, I can bring you
back a great big bag of them.

But enough chit-chat.
I've got dishes to do.

( chuckling) Yeah...

Oh, hold on. Can I
offer a suggestion?

You're the boss.
What Daphne did was

put a load of laundry in first

and that way you can
do two things at once.

Okay. Although, I
prefer to do laundry

at the end of the day,
and that way I can read

when the clothes
are in the dryer.

I mean, it's about the only
"me" time I have on this job.

Hey, Dad. Ready for breakfast?

Well, thanks for the
invite, but I can't go.

We didn't invite you.

You called us and badgered us

until we rearranged
our schedule.

Yeah, well, that was
before Trish came.

I really think I should hang
around and show her the ropes.

Maybe you should show her where

the room freshener is.

It smells like stale
cigars in here.

I had some of the guys
in last night for poker.

Oh, hey, Niles!

Check this out.

Got a great new card trick.

Oh, goody.

Yeah. It's called
"The Amazing Niles"

or "The Amazing..." whoever
you're doing the trick with.

Like if I was doing
it with Daphne

it'd be "The Amazing Daphne."

If I was doing it
with Frasier, it'd be...

"The Amazing Frasier."
Yeah, I get it, Dad.

Yeah.

That's just my patter. Okay...

Okay, Amazing Niles,
I want you to draw

the ace of spades
out of this deck.

Uh, something tells me

that it's going to be
this one right here. Ooh!

Ladies and gentlemen,
he drew the ace of spades.

Amazing, Amazing Niles.

Isn't that a great trick?

Hey, wait a minute.

How come this deck
only has aces of spades?

What? No, this is the tri...

Wait... wait a minute. Uh...

This isn't the trick deck.

Holy cow!

Wh...

You just drew the
card I asked you for.

What are the odds?

I wonder if you
could do it again.

No. No, no, no, no.

Only... only one
performance a day.

Is something wrong?

What? No.

Oh, you know, since we're
not going to have breakfast

maybe we should go.

All right.

That way we can pick
up your car from the shop.

What happened to your car?

It got struck by lightning.

Okay, washer's
running as we speak.

Anything else before I go?

You going to lunch now?
It's only 10:00. Already?

I guess the dishes
will have to wait.

I've got a couple
of errands to run

and then I have a
hair appointment.

Trish, I'm a little surprised

that you're
taking off like this.

I'm a little surprised, too.

I thought my first day

would be more like
orientation, you know?

Show me around,
explain my duties

and then I start
work the next day.

Why would you think that?

Well, it's been that
way every other place

that I've worked, and
I've had a lot of jobs.

Well, listen, Trish, I kind
of went out on a limb for you

and I'll never hear the
end of it from my son

if you let me down.

Don't worry.

You are not going
to regret hiring me.

Tomorrow morning, I'll
be like the White Tornado.

Remember those commercials?

White Tornado? That'll be me.

Ten o'clock.

So you're not coming
back after lunch?

Oh, trust me. You don't want
me cleaning this place drunk.

( laughs)

Oh, and that reminds me.

I don't work Mondays.

Gosh, you know,
I better get going.

If I'm late to this lunch,
how's that going to look?

What about the laundry?

10:00 tomorrow,
along with those ribs.

Well, I hear the washer going.

I assume that means our
new employee is hard at it.

Oh, yeah.

She's like the White Tornado.

Dad, you know your
basketball references

go right over my head.

You know...

she's certainly got
her work cut out for her

cleaning up this mess you and
your buddies made last night.

Well, you don't have
to worry about it.

She's all about the work.

Listen, Dad, I think I
owe you an apology.

For what?

Well, for thinking

I was a better judge
of people than you are.

Just want you to know that I do

trust your judgment.

Maybe I don't say
that often enough.

Anyway, I hope
you can forgive me.

There's nothing to forgive, son.

Thanks, Dad.

I'll see you later.

Not now, boy.

We've got an apartment to clean.

Hi, Niles. How's it going?

I'm as good as dead.

I've been doing research

into my family health history.

My great-uncle Timothy

keeled over from a
heart attack at my age.

Bottled water. Please.

Are you talking
about that tooth again?

It's still throbbing, thank you.

Which means my heart
is probably on its last legs.

Come on, Niles, you said it
was a one-in-a-million chance.

One in 10,000, and I've been
beating those odds all week.

I don't believe in omens,

but these are getting
harder and harder to ignore.

So are you.

I flipped a coin
17 times last night,

and every time it came up tails.

I only stopped because
I was getting a blister.

Thank you.

How does Daphne
put up with all this?

I haven't told her about it,

'cause unlike you,
she'd worry about me.

Get your heart checked
and stop obsessing about it.

I'm going to.

In all probability, there's a...

there's a perfectly
reasonable ex... ( gasps)

What?

I won another fanny pack.

No, I'm not mad at you, Trish.

I'm just a little disappointed.

Well, yesterday it was
your neighbor's funeral

and today you got the flu.

No, I kind of
believe you, but...

You know, this apartment
doesn't clean itself, so... Huh?

Okay. Tomorrow.

9:00 sharp.

10:00? Okay.

Well, I'll see you when
you get here. Okay, bye.

( doorknob rattling)

Oh, for God... sakes...

Hey! Careful, mister!

You're going to get
water all over a clean floor.

You know, maybe
you can have Trish

wax this floor tomorrow, huh?

She already did, and
it took her two hours!

And it just took you two seconds

to mess it up and
start complaining.

Well, I'm not complaining,
Dad, but look at the streaks here.

It's like she never
waxed a floor before.

All you do is nag, nag, nag.

Meanwhile, she tried a new
fabric softener on your sweater

and you didn't even notice.

Well, my sweaters are
supposed to be dry cleaned.

Oh. Oh, and remind me

to say something to her
about flipping my mattress.

What the hell are you
trying to do, kill her?!

Easy, easy, Dad.

There's no reason
to get all riled up.

My God,

you're actually perspiring.

Well, I just think some
people around here

don't realize how
hard she works.

Well, I'll say this much...

The place does
smell lemony fresh.

Shows what you know.
It's country breeze.

Daphne, I...

have to go out for a while.

All right.

No place out of the
ordinary... Just... out.

Okay. See you later.

I can't believe
this is happening.

After all those misspent
years of frustration and yearning

I finally find the
fulfillment of my dreams...

only to have it snatched away.

Look at her.

She's so beautiful, so perfect.

She deserves
nothing but happiness.

I hope when I'm gone

she's able to make a
life with someone else.

After a suitable period
of mourning, of course.

Niles?

Yes, my love?

When are you going
to change the paper

in the bottom of
the birdcage, hmm?

I've asked you
three times already.

Soon as I get back.

Maybe when I'm gone

Her Majesty can muck
out her own birdcage.

Hey, Fras, sorry to bother you.

Uh, Trish was wondering
where you keep the silver polish.

Right.

I told her about that
tarnish on your shrimp fork.

She suggested a
place you could keep it

where the air won't get to it.

Really? Perhaps she and I
should have a discussion about that.

What are you doing here?
Well, my lunch canceled.

I thought I might
drop by, see if

you'd like to
join me for a bite.

Oh, sure. Love to.
Let me get my coat.

Right. I'll just tell
Trish we're leaving.

Where is she?

Oh, uh, she's in the
powder room. Let's go.

Actually, I-I'd
rather wait, Dad.

You see, I wanted to discuss

a new vacuuming
pattern with her.

Uh, well... actually, Fras,
this might not be a good time.

Uh, that shrimp fork
thing really set her off.

She kind of went to pieces
and locked herself in there.

She did?

I had no idea
she was so fragile.

Well, she'll get over it.

She just, uh, needs to
be alone for a while. Uh...

She'll be fine. Uh, bye, Trish.

No, no, Dad, you know what?

If I've hurt her feelings

then it is incumbent
upon me to apologize.

Well...

Trish, it's Dr. Crane.

Could you come out here, please?

I'd like to have
a word with you.

The old silent treatment.

Well, two can play
that game. Let's go.

No, no, Dad. Why
don't you talk to her?

Oh, I don't think so.

Please, Dad, she likes you.

Please.

Uh, Trish?

Hi. It's Marty.

Uh, listen, I know you're upset

but I'd like to talk to you.

Yeah, um... would
you unlock the door?

That a girl.

All right, you just take
all the time you need.

Okay, well, she
accepted your apology

but she just wants to
be alone for a little while

so, uh, let's go.

Dad, I really should
apologize to her in person.

Well, uh, I don't
think this is the time.

Why not?

Well, you have
been pretty critical.

Well, you know, I also
think that she's made

some real improvements
around here.

Tell her that.

( sighs)

She wants an example.

How should I know?
Make something up.

Oh, no wonder she's mad,
you ungrateful son of a bitch!

MARTIN: All right.

See you later.

Well, now I think you've
made things worse.

It wouldn't surprise me if
she didn't come in tomorrow.

You didn't tell me
you had a sister.

Dad!

All right, what the
hell is going on?

No idea. I just came
by for my paycheck.

MARTIN: Well, uh...

I got some bad news
about that, Trish.

I'm sorry, but we're
going to have to let you go.

Oh. Okay. But you still owe me

for the days I was supposed
to be here last week.

Sure, sure, and there'll
be a check in the mail

sometime after the first...

asteroid hits Earth.

Okay, lay it on me.

I'm-I'm prepared for the worst.

Is it my heart?

I'm afraid so.

Aha!

What?

There is an anomaly in your EKG.

I'm going to have
to check you into

the hospital.

Oh. Uh, well, hm.

Uh, I guess I can
clear my schedule.

Uh, how's, uh, how's
tomorrow afternoon?

No, no, no. Niles? Hm?

You need to go right now.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Good night!