Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 6 - Star Mitzvah - full transcript
Frederick's Bar Mitzvah is a couple of days away and Lilith is reminiscing about his childhood. When going through the guest list, Lilith finds that Freddy has invited as many guests as he could, in order to get more gifts. She embarrasses him by crying during her speech. Frasier in the meantime wants to give a speech about Freddie in Hebrew. Noel Shemsky, his co-worker, agrees to teach him in return for a favor. When Frasier fails to fulfill his end of the deal Noel teaches him the speech in Klingon. Later when Frasier sends him a consolation prize, Noel attempts to call Frasier to tell him what he did but Frasier's phone is off. As a result, Frasier embarrasses himself and his son.
Here we are.
File A, slide sheet
one, image one
of subject Frederick G. Crane.
Mom...
Here you are just
an hour after being
wrestled from my grudging womb.
Gross.
You know, if you like
there's still time
to include this
in your Bar Mitzvah
video. Thanks.
But I just want to
get through this thing
with as little
humiliation as possible.
Oh, look at this.
Your hospital cap.
The very combed cotton
that swaddled your little...
( voice breaking): head.
Are you okay?
Of course I am.
It's only natural
that there should be
some emotional upheaval
caused by the impending shift
in our relationship.
I knew it would come...
I just wasn't expecting
such a roller coaster.
All done.
Is this your guest list?
Oh, I didn't realize
you wanted to invite
so many friends.
I don't even know
some of these people.
And why are you
inviting Jeremy Berman?
I thought you told me he's
the biggest nerd in your class.
He's not so bad.
Besides, the more
people you invite
the more presents you get.
Frederick...
A Bar Mitzvah is
a rite of passage,
not an opportunity for
you to collect presents.
I'm sorry. You're right.
I'll try to trim it down.
KENNY: Hey, Doc.
Kenny.
I can't tell you
how touched I am
that Freddie invited
me to his Bar Mitzvah.
He did? Yeah.
What a great kid.
That's your son, right?
Yes.
I wasn't aware that
you two had met.
We haven't.
I guess he's probably heard
his share of Kenny stories.
( chuckling)
From whom?
You sly kidder.
It sounds like a hoot,
but if I don't find someone
to drive with me to Boston
and share a tent on the way
I probably won't be
able to afford to go.
Hmm.
Fun drive, I bet.
Hmm.
I guess I can just
send him something.
I think he'd like
that. Thanks, Kenny.
Hey, Dr. Crane, Mazel Tov.
Hey, Frasier. Hi, Roz.
Freddie's so sweet.
He sent me an invitation
to his Bar Mitzvah.
Yes...
apparently the people
of Washington State
have made quite an
impression on him.
Can you believe Freddie
is 13 years old already?
I can hardly think about
it without choking up.
This is my son, Roz.
The little bald candy man
that used to fit right here
in the crook of my arm.
Little bald candy man.
That's adorable.
I had a boyfriend
who called hi...
Is it weird to have a son
brought up in a different
religion from yours?
Not at all, Roz. It's
a faith that espouses
love, compassion,
duty, education and art.
All values which I cherish.
And though I have played
a relatively small role
in his spiritual development,
he has honored me
by asking that I
say a few words.
And in the spirit
of the occasion
I'm going to try to
learn it in Hebrew.
Oh... Hi, Dr. Crane.
Hi, Noel. Hi, Roz.
You've never worn that
sweater on a Tuesday before.
I've asked you to take your
hands out of your pockets
when you talk to me.
So, I don't think I can
make the Bar Mitzvah.
Great.
I mean that sarcastically,
of course, Noel.
Great! You're not
coming! Terrific!
Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you
say you want to learn Hebrew?
Uh...
Not learn it.
I'm saving that
pleasure for retirement.
But I have composed a speech
and I'd like to
say it in Hebrew.
Well, I can translate and teach
you how to say it if you want.
You can? Really?
Oh, Noel, thank you.
Of course, I'll expect a
little something quid pro quo.
Certainly. Whatever
you'd like. Great.
The Seattle Star Trek
convention is this weekend
and all the Enterprise captains
are making an appearance.
I need Scott Bakula's autograph
to make my collection complete.
Noel, isn't this something
you could do yourself?
Oh, I would, but
William Shatner's
restraining order
against me is still in effect.
It's so stupid.
It wasn't even a real phaser.
Noel, don't you have any friends
that could do this for you?
Trust me, there are no friends
in the world of Star
Trek autography.
I see.
Well then, consider it done.
Oh!
Thank you so much. Now...
be sure to keep it in
this acid-free covering
until the actual signing.
And if you must handle it,
use these cotton gloves.
Okay.
You'll be the hit
of the Bar Mitzvah,
I promise.
And don't be surprised
if you get caught up
in all the fun of
the convention, too.
I'll try to pace myself.
Thanks again, Dr. Crane.
Noel...
how did you know I would do it?
What do you mean?
Well, you must have
known I would do this for you,
or you wouldn't
be carrying around
a picture of Scott
Bakula, right?
Right.
Hey, Niles, think fast.
( flashbulb pops)
Oh!
Dad!
What is that?
My good old Scheerblad-7XK.
The blindingest,
noisiest, 15-pound camera
every produced in the
former Soviet Union.
MARTIN: Can you believe it?!
Somehow it got buried
deep down in storage.
But Eddie and I found it
just in time for
the Bar Mitzvah.
What smells like
burning plastic?
Oh, that means the
flash unit's working.
I thought the
retinue-scorching flash
meant that the flash
unit was working.
Not always.
I still remember the
night of my junior prom.
Ooh... Dad wanted
to get a nice close-up
of me and Margaret Coover.
Unfortunately, he got
a little too close and the
heat from the flash
seared the gold plating
off Margaret's
necklace onto her skin.
You never mentioned
Margaret Coover before.
I didn't?
Margaret Coover.
Petite, brunette... gilded.
( flashbulb pops)
Dear God, the
old flash-and-wind.
NILES: Yes.
Dad found it.
Yeah, good thing, too.
Hasn't failed me yet.
Oh, well, except for
that one Thanksgiving
when the flash
washed Lilith out so bad
all you could see
were her hair and eyes.
That wasn't the
camera's fault, Dad.
That bloodless skin has confounded
even the most experienced photographer.
Hey, Daph, do you
know where the tripod is?
I might need it for group shots.
Yeah, I think it's in
the back of your closet.
Come on, I'll
help you look for it.
Sherry, Frasier? Please, Niles.
I have good news.
Hmm? I have two tickets
to the Udo Fritzenheim
show at the museum tomorrow.
( gasps) Not to mention
an invitation for lunch
with the artist afterwards.
Oh!
Are you serious?!
Niles, lunch with a Dada master.
Oh, I'd love to come...
but I can't.
I have other plans.
I promised Noel Shempsky
that I'd do a favor for him,
and I've got to remain
true to my word.
Although, perhaps, I
could go to the show
leave the luncheon early and...
and still fulfill my commitment.
Oh, yes, of course you could.
Yeah, you're right, Niles.
There...
You know...
it was at a Fritzenheim
show in Boston
where Freddie first
said the word "Dada."
I remember swelling with pride
thinking that perhaps he
was an art history savant.
But, of course, Lilith
deflated my enthusiasm
by pointing out that he was
probably just referring to me.
Fras, good news...
Found the tripod.
Oh. Splendid.
It's tough to watch
your kids grow up.
Well, he's... he's
still just a boy.
He's only 13.
It goes fast.
How's Lilith taking it?
Well, I
suppose it's a bittersweet
experience for her.
I can't really say
for sure, you know.
She's always been rather
guarded with her emotions.
Not always, Frasier.
I've seen her get
quite emotional.
I'm sure you have,
Mr. Been-There-Done-That.
What does that mean?
Nothing. Nothing.
What are you hiding?
Oh...
Um... some years ago...
In a complete drunken stupor.
Totally stinko.
NILES: Yes.
I had an unplanned
and instantly regretted
night of amore...
with Lilith.
A one-nighter?
Of amore.
Lilith?
Well, it w... it
was after Maris.
And it was long before you.
In fact, it's pretty funny
when you think about it.
( nervous laughter)
And remember, I was drunk.
You'd have to be, wouldn't you?
Sorry, Frasier.
No, no, drinking
definitely took the edge off.
Um, when were you planning
on sharing this interesting
bit of information with me?
Soon.
Very soon.
Never.
Well, what's done is done.
I suppose we've all had
our romantic missteps.
But just to be clear...
Are there any more
secret sweethearts
who I see on a regular basis?
No. Nobody.
Nobody?
Nobody.
I certainly wouldn't
count Anamari Hanratty
at the Natural History Museum.
Frasier?!
I said I wouldn't count her.
I mean... they just made out.
It was for charity.
It doesn't really matter.
I mean, the woman
makes out with everyone.
She's not really the kind
of person that you'd...
( yelling)
Hi, Dr. Crane.
Oh, hi, Noel.
Ready for Yeshiva
tomorrow? That means school.
Yes, indeed I am.
I'm looking forward to it.
Uh, listen, Noel, I'm
afraid I have some, uh...
very bad news about the
science fiction convention.
Uh-oh.
Long story short,
you see, I attended
an art opening
and a luncheon on Saturday
and even though I
left the luncheon early
the traffic on the way to
the convention was just awful
and by the time I got there
Mr. Bakula and all
the others had gone.
No...!
You made a promise
and you welshed on it.
Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?
It's not really such a
big deal, is it, Noel?
It's a huge deal.
Who knows when I'll get
to see Scott Bakula again?
I'll be the laughingstock
of my clan.
Noel, try to rem... clan?
No, never mind,
never mind. Noel...
surely you realize that
Star Trek is just a TV show.
So was Brideshead Revisited.
You're angry.
So I'm going to ignore that.
But with all due respect, Noel,
perhaps weaning
yourself off science fiction
might be the first step
toward achieving a genuine,
meaningful,
grown-up person's life.
Just a friendly suggestion.
You're right.
You did your best and
that's good enough for me.
Thank you, Noel.
So, you'll still be my tutor?
Sure.
Good man. Thanks, Noel.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, yes, you will
see me tomorrow.
And by the rings
of Septaurus Five
you will pay, Dr. Crane.
You... Oh, hi, Kenny...
Will pay.
Okay, Eddie, hit
the talk button.
And you're listening to
the Best of Crane on KACL.
We'll be back after
these messages.
( station ID theme music
plays) ( door opens)
Well, well, the fox and
the hound working together.
How ironic.
I'm just taking care of him
until Frasier gets
back from Boston.
By the way, he
left you something.
He did?
Yeah.
Whoa. A wig?
That's cruel, even for Frasier.
Cruel? It's only the
wig Joan Collins wore
in Star Trek 28.
"City on the Edge of Forever."
It's probably still
got her DNA in it.
"Dear Noel, I hope
this begins to repay you
"for your great kindness to me,
"especially in light
of my negligence.
Your friend, Frasier Crane."
He called me "friend"?
That's really sweet of him.
I've got to call him before
he delivers his speech.
You taught him dirty
words in Hebrew, didn't you?
Uh, not quite.
They're the same words,
but they're in Klingon.
From Star Trek?
That's not even real.
It's the fastest-growing
language on the planet.
This is what you
people don't understand.
A man named Gene
Roddenberry had a vision...
Call him!
FREDERICK: ♪ Yit-ba-rach
shim-cha bi'fi kol chai ♪
♪ Tamid, l'o-lam va-ed ♪
♪ Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai ♪
♪ M'ka-deish ha-Sha-bat ♪
♪ Amen. ♪
Yasher Koach, Frederick.
That was a beautiful passage
and a wonderful reading.
You honor us all by including...
( cell phone rings)
Oh.
You honor us all
by including us in this
important occasion,
but you have chosen to
especially honor your parents
Lilith and Frasier
by asking them to
conclude this ceremony.
Lilith?
Thank you. Uh...
( flashbulb pops)
Excuse me. Would
the photographer
please refrain from
taking any more pictures
until after the
ceremony is over?
MARTIN: Sorry, Rabbi.
LILITH: Thank you.
I am very proud to participate
in the coming-of-age ritual
of my son Frederick
Gaylord Crane.
( snickering)
Oh.
Frederick, on this
momentous occasion
I can only look at you
and see that innocent,
chubby-legged toddler
who once danced
naked at the Boston Pops.
The little boy whose favorite
meal was "buh-sghetti."
I can't count the
number of bedtimes
we spent cuddled together
reading The Cat in the Hat.
"The sun did not shine,
it was too wet to play,
"so we sat in the house
on that cold, cold, wet day."
( crying)
Don't grow up!
Not yet!
Nice girlfriend
you've got there.
Not yet! Not yet!
If you're trying to embarrass me
it's not going to work.
( choked up): Come here,
Daddy's little peanut man.
It'll be all right.
We will conclude with a blessing
from Frederick's father Frasier,
who, though not of our faith,
has chosen to follow
his son's fine example
and deliver it in Hebrew.
Thank you.
I'll keep this short.
Thanks, Dad.
"Pookh lod wih le koo.
"Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh
"leng-lidge loo-Teb-
"jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp
"shoave dah-nobe-poo-boagh.
Shabbot Shalom."
Oh, that was lovely.
What was that gobbledy-gook?
Well, it's-it's a
blessing for my son.
" Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo."
That means nothing.
It's gibberish.
What?
That's not gibberish,
it's Klingon.
What?
Oh, dear God.
Freddie's dad just
blessed him in Klingon.
I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
I... I...
Will you excuse me, please?
RABBI: Okay, everybody...
it's better to end with
laughter than tears.
I don't know how they
say it in outer space,
but here we say
"ahava and shalom."
Love and peace.
Dinner will be served in
the multi-purpose room
in 20 minutes.
Hey, that was awesome, Gaylord.
Shut up, Berman.
Seriously, your dad's
Klingon is really good.
What did he say?
Well, roughly
translated, it says
"My dearest son, each
day you redeem me.
"May your journey be
filled with the same joy
wisdom and purpose
you have given mine."
It's a lot more beautiful
in the original Klingon.
But it's still really cool.
Which one of us do you
suppose humiliated him more?
Oh, I think I did.
I've been trying to
console myself with the idea
that without
embarrassing parents
there'd be no psychology.
Poor kid.
Actually, today he is a man.
He is, isn't he?
Mazel Tov.
You must be very proud...
Of your son, not yourselves.
We are, thank you, Rabbi.
Frederick, uh, listen,
I-I'm... I want to apologize.
Uh, there was this
guy at the radio station
he was going to
teach me Hebrew...
You don't have
to explain it, Dad.
Really?
I just wanted to tell
you how sorry I am.
Berman translated
your speech for me.
It was pretty good.
So, you liked it? Yeah.
I don't want to get all
mushy or anything...
I'm a little old for that now...
But, you know...
Yeah... I know.
( chuckles)
Can you forgive me?
Yeah...
for everything but
naming me Gaylord.
That was lovely.
MARTIN: Hey,
everybody, look this way.
Oh, no...! No!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughs)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again. ♪
Frasier has left the building.
File A, slide sheet
one, image one
of subject Frederick G. Crane.
Mom...
Here you are just
an hour after being
wrestled from my grudging womb.
Gross.
You know, if you like
there's still time
to include this
in your Bar Mitzvah
video. Thanks.
But I just want to
get through this thing
with as little
humiliation as possible.
Oh, look at this.
Your hospital cap.
The very combed cotton
that swaddled your little...
( voice breaking): head.
Are you okay?
Of course I am.
It's only natural
that there should be
some emotional upheaval
caused by the impending shift
in our relationship.
I knew it would come...
I just wasn't expecting
such a roller coaster.
All done.
Is this your guest list?
Oh, I didn't realize
you wanted to invite
so many friends.
I don't even know
some of these people.
And why are you
inviting Jeremy Berman?
I thought you told me he's
the biggest nerd in your class.
He's not so bad.
Besides, the more
people you invite
the more presents you get.
Frederick...
A Bar Mitzvah is
a rite of passage,
not an opportunity for
you to collect presents.
I'm sorry. You're right.
I'll try to trim it down.
KENNY: Hey, Doc.
Kenny.
I can't tell you
how touched I am
that Freddie invited
me to his Bar Mitzvah.
He did? Yeah.
What a great kid.
That's your son, right?
Yes.
I wasn't aware that
you two had met.
We haven't.
I guess he's probably heard
his share of Kenny stories.
( chuckling)
From whom?
You sly kidder.
It sounds like a hoot,
but if I don't find someone
to drive with me to Boston
and share a tent on the way
I probably won't be
able to afford to go.
Hmm.
Fun drive, I bet.
Hmm.
I guess I can just
send him something.
I think he'd like
that. Thanks, Kenny.
Hey, Dr. Crane, Mazel Tov.
Hey, Frasier. Hi, Roz.
Freddie's so sweet.
He sent me an invitation
to his Bar Mitzvah.
Yes...
apparently the people
of Washington State
have made quite an
impression on him.
Can you believe Freddie
is 13 years old already?
I can hardly think about
it without choking up.
This is my son, Roz.
The little bald candy man
that used to fit right here
in the crook of my arm.
Little bald candy man.
That's adorable.
I had a boyfriend
who called hi...
Is it weird to have a son
brought up in a different
religion from yours?
Not at all, Roz. It's
a faith that espouses
love, compassion,
duty, education and art.
All values which I cherish.
And though I have played
a relatively small role
in his spiritual development,
he has honored me
by asking that I
say a few words.
And in the spirit
of the occasion
I'm going to try to
learn it in Hebrew.
Oh... Hi, Dr. Crane.
Hi, Noel. Hi, Roz.
You've never worn that
sweater on a Tuesday before.
I've asked you to take your
hands out of your pockets
when you talk to me.
So, I don't think I can
make the Bar Mitzvah.
Great.
I mean that sarcastically,
of course, Noel.
Great! You're not
coming! Terrific!
Yeah, sorry. Did I overhear you
say you want to learn Hebrew?
Uh...
Not learn it.
I'm saving that
pleasure for retirement.
But I have composed a speech
and I'd like to
say it in Hebrew.
Well, I can translate and teach
you how to say it if you want.
You can? Really?
Oh, Noel, thank you.
Of course, I'll expect a
little something quid pro quo.
Certainly. Whatever
you'd like. Great.
The Seattle Star Trek
convention is this weekend
and all the Enterprise captains
are making an appearance.
I need Scott Bakula's autograph
to make my collection complete.
Noel, isn't this something
you could do yourself?
Oh, I would, but
William Shatner's
restraining order
against me is still in effect.
It's so stupid.
It wasn't even a real phaser.
Noel, don't you have any friends
that could do this for you?
Trust me, there are no friends
in the world of Star
Trek autography.
I see.
Well then, consider it done.
Oh!
Thank you so much. Now...
be sure to keep it in
this acid-free covering
until the actual signing.
And if you must handle it,
use these cotton gloves.
Okay.
You'll be the hit
of the Bar Mitzvah,
I promise.
And don't be surprised
if you get caught up
in all the fun of
the convention, too.
I'll try to pace myself.
Thanks again, Dr. Crane.
Noel...
how did you know I would do it?
What do you mean?
Well, you must have
known I would do this for you,
or you wouldn't
be carrying around
a picture of Scott
Bakula, right?
Right.
Hey, Niles, think fast.
( flashbulb pops)
Oh!
Dad!
What is that?
My good old Scheerblad-7XK.
The blindingest,
noisiest, 15-pound camera
every produced in the
former Soviet Union.
MARTIN: Can you believe it?!
Somehow it got buried
deep down in storage.
But Eddie and I found it
just in time for
the Bar Mitzvah.
What smells like
burning plastic?
Oh, that means the
flash unit's working.
I thought the
retinue-scorching flash
meant that the flash
unit was working.
Not always.
I still remember the
night of my junior prom.
Ooh... Dad wanted
to get a nice close-up
of me and Margaret Coover.
Unfortunately, he got
a little too close and the
heat from the flash
seared the gold plating
off Margaret's
necklace onto her skin.
You never mentioned
Margaret Coover before.
I didn't?
Margaret Coover.
Petite, brunette... gilded.
( flashbulb pops)
Dear God, the
old flash-and-wind.
NILES: Yes.
Dad found it.
Yeah, good thing, too.
Hasn't failed me yet.
Oh, well, except for
that one Thanksgiving
when the flash
washed Lilith out so bad
all you could see
were her hair and eyes.
That wasn't the
camera's fault, Dad.
That bloodless skin has confounded
even the most experienced photographer.
Hey, Daph, do you
know where the tripod is?
I might need it for group shots.
Yeah, I think it's in
the back of your closet.
Come on, I'll
help you look for it.
Sherry, Frasier? Please, Niles.
I have good news.
Hmm? I have two tickets
to the Udo Fritzenheim
show at the museum tomorrow.
( gasps) Not to mention
an invitation for lunch
with the artist afterwards.
Oh!
Are you serious?!
Niles, lunch with a Dada master.
Oh, I'd love to come...
but I can't.
I have other plans.
I promised Noel Shempsky
that I'd do a favor for him,
and I've got to remain
true to my word.
Although, perhaps, I
could go to the show
leave the luncheon early and...
and still fulfill my commitment.
Oh, yes, of course you could.
Yeah, you're right, Niles.
There...
You know...
it was at a Fritzenheim
show in Boston
where Freddie first
said the word "Dada."
I remember swelling with pride
thinking that perhaps he
was an art history savant.
But, of course, Lilith
deflated my enthusiasm
by pointing out that he was
probably just referring to me.
Fras, good news...
Found the tripod.
Oh. Splendid.
It's tough to watch
your kids grow up.
Well, he's... he's
still just a boy.
He's only 13.
It goes fast.
How's Lilith taking it?
Well, I
suppose it's a bittersweet
experience for her.
I can't really say
for sure, you know.
She's always been rather
guarded with her emotions.
Not always, Frasier.
I've seen her get
quite emotional.
I'm sure you have,
Mr. Been-There-Done-That.
What does that mean?
Nothing. Nothing.
What are you hiding?
Oh...
Um... some years ago...
In a complete drunken stupor.
Totally stinko.
NILES: Yes.
I had an unplanned
and instantly regretted
night of amore...
with Lilith.
A one-nighter?
Of amore.
Lilith?
Well, it w... it
was after Maris.
And it was long before you.
In fact, it's pretty funny
when you think about it.
( nervous laughter)
And remember, I was drunk.
You'd have to be, wouldn't you?
Sorry, Frasier.
No, no, drinking
definitely took the edge off.
Um, when were you planning
on sharing this interesting
bit of information with me?
Soon.
Very soon.
Never.
Well, what's done is done.
I suppose we've all had
our romantic missteps.
But just to be clear...
Are there any more
secret sweethearts
who I see on a regular basis?
No. Nobody.
Nobody?
Nobody.
I certainly wouldn't
count Anamari Hanratty
at the Natural History Museum.
Frasier?!
I said I wouldn't count her.
I mean... they just made out.
It was for charity.
It doesn't really matter.
I mean, the woman
makes out with everyone.
She's not really the kind
of person that you'd...
( yelling)
Hi, Dr. Crane.
Oh, hi, Noel.
Ready for Yeshiva
tomorrow? That means school.
Yes, indeed I am.
I'm looking forward to it.
Uh, listen, Noel, I'm
afraid I have some, uh...
very bad news about the
science fiction convention.
Uh-oh.
Long story short,
you see, I attended
an art opening
and a luncheon on Saturday
and even though I
left the luncheon early
the traffic on the way to
the convention was just awful
and by the time I got there
Mr. Bakula and all
the others had gone.
No...!
You made a promise
and you welshed on it.
Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?
It's not really such a
big deal, is it, Noel?
It's a huge deal.
Who knows when I'll get
to see Scott Bakula again?
I'll be the laughingstock
of my clan.
Noel, try to rem... clan?
No, never mind,
never mind. Noel...
surely you realize that
Star Trek is just a TV show.
So was Brideshead Revisited.
You're angry.
So I'm going to ignore that.
But with all due respect, Noel,
perhaps weaning
yourself off science fiction
might be the first step
toward achieving a genuine,
meaningful,
grown-up person's life.
Just a friendly suggestion.
You're right.
You did your best and
that's good enough for me.
Thank you, Noel.
So, you'll still be my tutor?
Sure.
Good man. Thanks, Noel.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Oh, yes, you will
see me tomorrow.
And by the rings
of Septaurus Five
you will pay, Dr. Crane.
You... Oh, hi, Kenny...
Will pay.
Okay, Eddie, hit
the talk button.
And you're listening to
the Best of Crane on KACL.
We'll be back after
these messages.
( station ID theme music
plays) ( door opens)
Well, well, the fox and
the hound working together.
How ironic.
I'm just taking care of him
until Frasier gets
back from Boston.
By the way, he
left you something.
He did?
Yeah.
Whoa. A wig?
That's cruel, even for Frasier.
Cruel? It's only the
wig Joan Collins wore
in Star Trek 28.
"City on the Edge of Forever."
It's probably still
got her DNA in it.
"Dear Noel, I hope
this begins to repay you
"for your great kindness to me,
"especially in light
of my negligence.
Your friend, Frasier Crane."
He called me "friend"?
That's really sweet of him.
I've got to call him before
he delivers his speech.
You taught him dirty
words in Hebrew, didn't you?
Uh, not quite.
They're the same words,
but they're in Klingon.
From Star Trek?
That's not even real.
It's the fastest-growing
language on the planet.
This is what you
people don't understand.
A man named Gene
Roddenberry had a vision...
Call him!
FREDERICK: ♪ Yit-ba-rach
shim-cha bi'fi kol chai ♪
♪ Tamid, l'o-lam va-ed ♪
♪ Ba-ruch a-tah, A-do-nai ♪
♪ M'ka-deish ha-Sha-bat ♪
♪ Amen. ♪
Yasher Koach, Frederick.
That was a beautiful passage
and a wonderful reading.
You honor us all by including...
( cell phone rings)
Oh.
You honor us all
by including us in this
important occasion,
but you have chosen to
especially honor your parents
Lilith and Frasier
by asking them to
conclude this ceremony.
Lilith?
Thank you. Uh...
( flashbulb pops)
Excuse me. Would
the photographer
please refrain from
taking any more pictures
until after the
ceremony is over?
MARTIN: Sorry, Rabbi.
LILITH: Thank you.
I am very proud to participate
in the coming-of-age ritual
of my son Frederick
Gaylord Crane.
( snickering)
Oh.
Frederick, on this
momentous occasion
I can only look at you
and see that innocent,
chubby-legged toddler
who once danced
naked at the Boston Pops.
The little boy whose favorite
meal was "buh-sghetti."
I can't count the
number of bedtimes
we spent cuddled together
reading The Cat in the Hat.
"The sun did not shine,
it was too wet to play,
"so we sat in the house
on that cold, cold, wet day."
( crying)
Don't grow up!
Not yet!
Nice girlfriend
you've got there.
Not yet! Not yet!
If you're trying to embarrass me
it's not going to work.
( choked up): Come here,
Daddy's little peanut man.
It'll be all right.
We will conclude with a blessing
from Frederick's father Frasier,
who, though not of our faith,
has chosen to follow
his son's fine example
and deliver it in Hebrew.
Thank you.
I'll keep this short.
Thanks, Dad.
"Pookh lod wih le koo.
"Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh
"leng-lidge loo-Teb-
"jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp
"shoave dah-nobe-poo-boagh.
Shabbot Shalom."
Oh, that was lovely.
What was that gobbledy-gook?
Well, it's-it's a
blessing for my son.
" Pookh Lod Wih Le Koo."
That means nothing.
It's gibberish.
What?
That's not gibberish,
it's Klingon.
What?
Oh, dear God.
Freddie's dad just
blessed him in Klingon.
I'm... I'm terribly sorry.
I... I...
Will you excuse me, please?
RABBI: Okay, everybody...
it's better to end with
laughter than tears.
I don't know how they
say it in outer space,
but here we say
"ahava and shalom."
Love and peace.
Dinner will be served in
the multi-purpose room
in 20 minutes.
Hey, that was awesome, Gaylord.
Shut up, Berman.
Seriously, your dad's
Klingon is really good.
What did he say?
Well, roughly
translated, it says
"My dearest son, each
day you redeem me.
"May your journey be
filled with the same joy
wisdom and purpose
you have given mine."
It's a lot more beautiful
in the original Klingon.
But it's still really cool.
Which one of us do you
suppose humiliated him more?
Oh, I think I did.
I've been trying to
console myself with the idea
that without
embarrassing parents
there'd be no psychology.
Poor kid.
Actually, today he is a man.
He is, isn't he?
Mazel Tov.
You must be very proud...
Of your son, not yourselves.
We are, thank you, Rabbi.
Frederick, uh, listen,
I-I'm... I want to apologize.
Uh, there was this
guy at the radio station
he was going to
teach me Hebrew...
You don't have
to explain it, Dad.
Really?
I just wanted to tell
you how sorry I am.
Berman translated
your speech for me.
It was pretty good.
So, you liked it? Yeah.
I don't want to get all
mushy or anything...
I'm a little old for that now...
But, you know...
Yeah... I know.
( chuckles)
Can you forgive me?
Yeah...
for everything but
naming me Gaylord.
That was lovely.
MARTIN: Hey,
everybody, look this way.
Oh, no...! No!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughs)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again. ♪
Frasier has left the building.