Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 5 - Tales from the Crypt - full transcript

F R A S I E R (10x05)
- Tales from the Crypt -

Hey, Roz... Hi, hi, hi.
Roz, you just missed the classic prank
of all time.

- I'll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
- Oh, who, who? Who'd you get?!
- OK...

- Way to go, Bulldog!
- There he is!

I got this friend down at
the impound lot, who came across
a smashed-up BMW,

- same make and model as Frasier's.
- You didn't! You got Frasier!

I had his car towed from the garage,
the wreck went in its place.

The doc totally freaked when
he saw it. First, he started
swearing,

and then he implored the heavens,
and just when his lip
started trembling,

- Bulldog comes out, tells him
it's all a prank.
- Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule.

Besides, I got the whole thing
on tape.



Admit it, Doc,
I got you good.

Come on, say it:
"Bulldog's the best!"

OK, OK, how 'bout the bitch dance
I taught you?

Well, at least give me one up high!
Come on...

oh, come on, don't leave me hanging,
Doc! Where's your Halloween spirit?

Don't worry, it'll be here
waiting for you.

For the record, I knew immediately
it was not my car.

Mine has a bumper sticker on it
that says, "I AM PRO OPERA
AND I VOTE!"

- Frasier, you've got to admit,
it was clever.
- I admit nothing.

- That is the last we shall discuss
of it, we have a show to do.
- OK.

Good afternoon, Seattle,
and welcome to the Halloween edition
of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show.

Today we will be discussing
the topic... of fears.

Are they irrational hindrances,
or evolutionary tools?

Hmmm... the surprising answer,
after these words.



My car! Ohhhh, no - my caaar!

What did they do to you?!
Oh, my bay-beee...!

Whenever you're ready.

.

- Did you find something?
- Do you think they'll take
soy sauce packets?

- Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
- Shh! It's trick or treaters.

- OK, they're gone.
- Well, why didn't you let them in?

Because someone forgot
to get Halloween candy.

Although, someone else could have
picked it up since she was already
in the store.

But, that would override the duty list
that someone insisted on implementing.

If this is what you two call a fight,
you're not fit to be married.

- I once held your father's head
underwater, and...
- Shh!

Oh, for heaven's sake!
We haven't got any candy, shove off!

- Great, now they know we're here.
- That is precisely what's wrong
with this country,

everyone's afraid to stand up
to the children.

- Trick-or-treat!
- Didn't you hear?
We've got no candy!

We can offer you hotel soaps.

But it's Halloween.
I dress up, you give me candy.

- That costume's supposed
to be scary?
- No, is yours?

Oh, a nice bite into an onion is
what that mouth of yours deserves.

If you don't have treats,
you're going to get a trick.

Do your worst!
I'm not afraid of you.

Honestly!

OK, well, maybe I'll go get
some candy after all.

OK, I'm going to need my slicker
and my squash goggles!

.

- Good morning, Roz.
May I join you?
- Sure, Frasier.

Well, I'm glad to see
you're not sulking today.

Yes, well, I had a little time
to think about it, and I've decided
to put Bulldog's prank

- behind me...
- That's very mature.
- I'm not finished!

...by visiting upon him a prank
that is ten times more dastardly.
Look at this.

- Looks like a car
with a balloon tied to it.
- Precisely.

I will tie a red balloon
to the antenna of Bulldog's car
every time his precious Seahawks...

...lose a game.

Over time, the conditioned response
will become ingrained in his psyche.

Eventually, the mere sight
of a red balloon...

...will bring about in him
an inexplicable sense...

...of loss.
Check-and-mate!

Isn't that... kind of out there?

That's the point. Well, of course,
I could go with any one of your
basic pranks:

hand in warm water, and whatnot...
Believe me, I have an intimate knowledge
of all of them.

But what I'm looking for
is something unmistakably ME.

A signature prank, if you will.

Why don't you just forget
about revenge and give him
his two minutes in the sun?

- What, at my expense?
- Look at his life!

You guys used to be equals,
now he's stuck downstairs
in that dark,

musty archives room.
You must have some sympathy for him,
don't you?

"Dark, musty archives"...
I think I could use that!

- Hello, all.
- Hello, Niles.

Why do we have to stop here?
I could make coffee at home.

Now, now, it's good to get out
of the house, get some fresh air,
exercise those lungs.

My lungs are as strong as ever.
Just yesterday,
I finished a whole cigarette

in two drags.

One off me record!

- What's this?
- I'm devising the ultimate prank,
to get my revenge on Bulldog.

Ah, well just beware the dangers
of juvenile one-upsmanship.

Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged
a trick-or-treater, and he responded

by pelting our door with eggs.

Yeah, but I got the little monster
back, by putting a big,
greasy glob of Vaseline

on his doorknob!

- You said you'd put an end to it!
- Hence the Vaseline.

- Mum, he's a child!
- Well, it's time he learned
you don't mess with Gertrude Moon,

without incurring my wrath.

Now, excuse me,
I require cocoa.

You know, I think she has
the right attitude. If I expect
Bulldog to leave me alone,

I've got to show him that he's dealing
with a superior intellect.

Show them the balloon car.

I'm sure Da Vinci's early notes
were full of laughs too!

Excuse me,
I have devising to do!

- That'll be... $32.03.
- For one drink?!

Your grandson ordered a bunch
of cakes, and he said it was
all on you.

Thanks for the treats, Grandma!

Oh, let's see the little sod
get to school without these.

Oh, this should settle it!

.

Is anybody there?

Oh, zombies...

the living dead.
Help, help!

Everyone, hold please.

- Zombie Number Two,
what are you doing?
- I'm scaring Bulldog?

I see.

Is that what zombies do,
they scare people?

- Um...
- Wrong.

They eat brains,
and THAT'S what scares people.

Now, look, this is our dress
rehearsal, let's please try
to get this right.

Bulldog comes in, he hears noises,
zombies go after his brain,

and his terror is caught on videotape
for us all to enjoy at a later date.

Now, let's try this again.
First marks, please.

Oh, jeez, Fras, this is the fourth
time through. Can somebody else
play Bulldog now?

- Dad, you said you would help me with this.
- Well, that's because you said
we were gonna do a practical joke.

- I thought it would be fun.
- Whatever gave you that idea?

Todd, I am getting "dead" from you.

But I am not getting "undead."

Still?

Let's try this then.

After rehearsal, I want each of you
to write a paragraph

detailing who your character was
when he or she was alive,

how they died,

and why they're now
after Bulldog's brain.

Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven't
given me much to work With here.
These are the worst actors I've ever seen.

Well, I'm sorry, but the Royal
Zombie Company just left town

with its all-zombie production
of "Hamlet"!

- How many more times are we going
to do this?
- Why is it that whenever Bulldog

pulls off a practical joke,
you all applaud him, as if he'd won
some sort of bowl or cup

or other sports dish?

But when I ask you to give up
a single Sunday,
all I get is complaints?

Well, because you keep turning it
into work!
This is supposed to be fun!

Like a day at the beach!
Oh, you do this kind of thing
all the time.

- Like when?
- Well, the last time we went
to the beach!

A lot of people bring rakes!

Look, Frasier, it's not too late
to back out of this.
Face it,

- jokes just aren't your specialty.
- What is that supposed to mean?

Well, what she means, son,
is that we all have
our different blessings.

And Bulldog's good at jokes
and fun, and you're good at...

...reading, and, uh... telling
people about the things you read.

- Are you saying that you think
I can't pull this off?
- Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.

- I would.
- But I've worked this out
to the last detail,

- nothing can go wrong!
- Everything's gonna go wrong!

For one thing, Bulldog's gonna
know something's up,
'cause Kenny hardly ever

makes him work at night! And then
look at all these cameras and wires.
I mean, what if he spots these?

And the zombies, as soon as he sees
them, he's gonna know it's a prank,

because he just pranked you!
And there are no such things
as zombies!!!

You, sir...

are released!

And you as well!

I'll pull this thing off by myself,
proving you don't know
what you're talking about!

I don't need any of you!

Wait, zombies,
I do need you!

But no one else!

I'll show all of you!
You mark my words, tomorrow night
I get my revenge!

Ah, good, the effects machine's
working again. All right...

everyone, back to your
first marks.

- Where have you been?
- I'm sorry, I had a hard time
finding this place.

I checked the directory for "Crane,"
but it had "Old Bat" next to
this apartment number.

A little obvious,
but not bad.

I want you to deliver
this "Baby-I-Have-To-Tinkle" doll

to Jason White,
Floyd Middle School.

This is the address. I mean,
he should be in gym class about now.

- I don't think I'm allowed to
just walk into his school, ma'am.
- No, it's OK. I'm his grandmother.

And you have to say this.

"Your mommy said, bring this to you
at school to lift your spirits.

See?
A dolly has accidents too."

- You really want me to say that?
- Yes, and very loudly.

The poor thing's hard-of-hearing.

Yes!

.

Todd, take off that baseball cap.

You're undead, not uncouth.

All right, everyone,
step lively,

look sharp.

It's almost showtime.
Give me a final room tone check,
please, and... take your marks.

Hey, Fras.

Well... hello.

- You've come to watch me fail,
I suppose.
- No, we just want to come join you.

- Yeah, we're sorry about that
stuff we said yesterday.
- Yeah, we came to see you have your day.

- It's long overdue.
- Maybe I don't want you here.

- What do you mean?
- You abandon me in my hour
of need,

now you're here to revel in
my success, just like in Boswell's
"Life of Johnson."

- What?
- It was something-I-read.

I guess we deserved that -
whatever the hell it means.

Come on, Frasier, we're sorry.
Just let us watch.

All right, apology accepted.
You may observe - in silence.

Make yourselves comfortable.

And prepare to witness a man
brought to the very edge
of madness!

I think he's already there.

- Mum, we're off to the symphony.
- Haven't the Germans
punished us enough?

Oh! Bloody hell!

- Where did this come from?
- Oh, you must have crossed someone.

Mother...

Oh my God! I'm so sorry!
We were just coming down the hall,
and we saw you open your door.

- This is our trash can!
- What was it doing there?

Jason, get back here!

It seems our children have been
feuding. We're very embarrassed.

You're embarrassed?
Meet our daughter!

Hello!

- I have a lot of homework...
- Stay!

- Jason, have you been fighting
with this woman?
- Well, she broke my bike

and made me have to see
a counselor at school!

- I think I left something
in the kitchen...
- Stay!

I am an adult!
I can do anything I want!

No. While you're living
under our roof, you'll follow
our rules.

You two should be ashamed of
yourselves. What if someone
got hurt?

- Good.
- Jason! You are one step away from
losing your broadband connection.

Now apologize and shake hands.

What if I told you you couldn't
smoke your pipes in your room
anymore?

(both)
I'm sorry.

- Now, you two are going
to clean up this mess.
- And Jason, come straight home
when you're finished.

And this place better be spotless
by the time we get back.

I wish I was all grown-up,
and I wouldn't have to follow
their stupid rules!

Oh, nothing changes, trust me.

You know... my mom hates bugs.
She screams like a girl.

So does my son-in-law!

- I know where we can find
some crickets.
- No! Now, we should do as we're told,

- and start cleaning up.
- Ok.

That way, they won't be
expecting it!

.

This is so great! I can't wait!
I'm getting goose bumps!

Feel me, feel me!

Kenny, what was the condition
of my letting you watch?

There he is.

Cue creaking noise one...

Hello? Who's there?

Cue creaking noise two.

Now, let the horror begin...

Yes! How do you like that,
ya big baby!

Get back!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
CALL 9-1-1, CALL 9-1-1!

- Don't worry about it, Kenny!
It's just a joke!
- What are you talking about?!

- It's a fake gun!
- What?
- It's-a-fake-gun!

What about the bullets?

It's a joke!

Bulldog found out about Frasier's
prank, so we set him up!

That is awesome! I can't believe
he fell for it!

- Come on, we got to go tell
Frasier what's going on!
- You guys go ahead...

I think I'm gonna stay here
and puke.

Stop! Stop!
It was all a joke!

Oh my God,
what have I done?!

What's the big deal,
he was already a zombie!

Are you insane?!
Call an ambulance!

- What is going on here?
- Wave to the camera, Frasier!

- What?
- Got you again, all on tape.
Who's the king?

- That isn't funny,
I could have had a heart attack!
- Oh, sorry, Fras,

- we just couldn't resist.
- Well, at least nobody was hurt.

You bested me, Bulldog, again!

- Dr. Crane, I think
I hurt my back...
- What?

- OH MY GOD!!!
- WHAT HAVE WE DONE?!
- SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!

WHERE'S THE PHONE?!
WHERE'S THE PHONE?!

- Roz, get the first aid kit
out of the closet!
- OK! OK!
- No, no, not the...!

- WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON
DOWN HERE?!?!
- Quiet, quiet, everybody!

Hello? Yes, I'd like to report...
THE GREATEST PRACTICAL JOKE EVER!

You'd better send a fire truck,
because you guys just got BURNED!

- AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!
- Wait, what?!
- Hi, Roz!

You should see the look on your
faces! This is truly a classic!

- This was all just a joke?
- Awesome!

- Nice work, Doc.
- Likewise, Bulldog.

- You think I can get a copy
of this for my demo reel?
- Sure thing, Todd.

You've come a long way
in a short time, young man.

Well, Frasier, I'm speechless!
You totally had us going!

- I can't believe it!
- Admit it, Roz, can I pull off
a practical joke, or what?

- I just don't understand it,
you guys worked together?
- Yeah, Frasier set the whole thing up.

The other day, after you two left,
I got to thinking maybe my joke

was aimed at the wrong target.

- That's when Bulldog and I
joined forces!
- But we joined forces with him

- ...to get you!
- That's exactly what you were
supposed to think!

- Wow, Fras, I got to give it
to you - this was brilliant!
- Thank you, Dad.

What do you say we all go upstairs
and watch the tape, huh?

- All right, you guys go ahead.
Bulldog?
- Yeah?

- Technically, I still owe you one.
- Face it, Doc, you will never win.

Good work, Noel. ...That's why
you had to join forces with me.

Huh?

- You're right.
- All right.

Created using original Croatian subtitles
and the English episode transcript
Synced by Jim_diGriz