Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 24 - A New Position for Roz - full transcript

Kenny, this is not amateur hour.

My show is already suffering
enough just losing Roz.

I will not let you replace
her with a complete novice.

Come on, don't you remember

when you were a
young whippersnapper

with nothing but a
pantload of talent

and a head full of dreams?

Are we still talking about Noel?

Five seconds to
launch, Dr. Crane.

Yeah.

Good afternoon, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.



Before we get to our first
call, I'd like to remind you

that we are losing our
beloved producer, Roz Doyle,

in a couple of weeks to
another career opportunity.

That's KPXY, The Mighty Pixy.

Seattle's more
exciting talk. Whoo-hoo!

In the meantime, we have
with us today Noel Shempsky,

a KACL employee whose
sole qualification for this job

seems to be that he's
never taken a sick day.

Good afternoon, listeners
near and stars away.

Our first query comes from a
Class M planet we call Earth

and appears to be
personal in nature.

Oh, and his name is Glen.

Go ahead, Glen, I'm listening.

Okay, Noel, that was good.



But you need to tell Frasier
the name of the caller,

the town they're calling
from and why they're calling.

Okay.

You know, maybe
I would learn more

if you sat down behind
me and guided my hands,

like they did in Ghost.

Oh! Noel!

Oh, hi, Julia.

Do you mind?

I'm trying to show
Noel what I do.

Is that why he's on his knees?

Get up.

Let me give you some
pointers on call screening.

Your first priority are
your leapers and jumpers.

Next up, angry people.

They're great energy
and a welcome change

from our largest
group, the sad sacks.

The trick of it is you want
to arrange all of these calls

so that each segment
is "can't miss" radio.

But I thought it was just about

Frasier doing good work.

Please! It's all about ratings.

If the station had its way,

every call would end
in an auto-erotic suicide.

Thank you, Roz.

Now that Seattle knows
how we do things around here,

perhaps you could let Noel know

to keep his elbow
off the mic button.

Oh, Roz, do you realize
this is the last time

we'll do paperwork together?

( flat): Yeah, it's really sad.

What exactly is
the new job, Roz?

Program director.

Now that's a job.

Let me give you a
little piece of advice.

Less smut and more
older-people shows.

Yeah, I know, Martin,

but that's not exactly
what they're going for.

Well, why not?

You could have a
show about owning dogs.

Or how about this?

A show where people just
call in with jokes they've heard.

That'd be a riot.

I think they're looking
for a wider audience

than just you, Dad.

Lots of people
would be interested

in that sort of thing.

Yeah, but the advertisers are
looking for the young dollars.

What's wrong with my money?

You don't spend it all
on fast food and beer.

Yes, I do.

You know, I'm tired of
society blowing me off

just because I'm
a senior citizen.

You know, one
day we're gonna rise

and take this country back
from you young smart alecks.

And it won't be pretty either.

I could mention the
joke idea to my boss.

You just bought
yourself a little more time.

Well, here it is, Roz,

the final parking
requisition form.

The end of an era.

Listen, I know that Kenny is
giving you a going away party,

but I wanted to have a
little celebratory dinner,

just the two of us, all right?

Any night you're free.

Well, Niles and Daphne
are watching Alice.

How about tonight?

Well, actually, I'm
meeting Julia later.

Why would you want to do that?

Well, we've sort of been
seeing each other lately.

You and Julia?

She's a total bitch.

Now, Roz, if you took
the time to get to know her,

you'd see that she's really
not such a bad person.

Like get to know
her naked, you mean.

No.

I think she's been misjudged.

Sure, she has a lot of walls up,

but, I mean, there must
be something good inside

if it needs that
much protection.

Yeah, well, there are
walls around prisons, too.

Yes. Fine.

Your opinion has been noted.

There are walls around
insane asylums, cholera wards...

Thank you, Roz. nuclear
facilities, gator farms...

All right, shut up.

Got you!

Oh.

Now you chase me.

( anguished laughter): Oh...

No, I think it's Daphne's turn.

Oh, no, I just had
four turns in a row.

But you know who
does want a turn?

The TV.

There you go. Your
video's all cued up.

( sighs)

Should we really be plopping her

in front of the tube?

It's an educational tape.

Did you want to read her
more Jung for Jungsters?

She doesn't seem
to respond to it.

Perhaps that's a treat
we'll save for our own child.

When will that be?

When are we going to
have a child of our own?

Oh, I don't know,
when we're ready.

Yes, we always say that,

but how will we know
when we're ready?

I mean, if it were just
me, I'm ready right now.

Really?

I just don't feel like
we're quite there yet.

What has to change?

What's this little
brat doing here?

Make sure it don't
make any noise.

I'm resting.

Maybe it's my biorhythms.

Daphne, might it have
something to do with

your mother living
with us? ( toy squeaks)

Well, I've always thought
in the back of my head

that we'd start a
family after she left.

Well, but that doesn't
have to stop us

from getting pregnant.

And once we are,
we've got nine months

to get her out of the house.

Are you kidding?

If she found out there was
a grandchild on the way,

she'd never leave.

And I don't think
I could take Mum

and morning sickness
at the same time.

Well, on the other hand,

a grandmother can be a
wonderful influence on a child.

Alice...

you help Auntie Gert
find her cigarettes,

and you can have one.

( clinking glass)

I think now would be a good
time if anyone wants to stand up,

say a few words to Roz.

I know I'll miss her.

Which is why I'm proud
to present her with...

this picture of the two of us
at the last company picnic.

Won't that baby
look nice in a frame?

Yeah. Enjoy.

I'm next.

"Sweetest Roz, you are
my ship when I'm at sea,

"my fairest rose, my fantasy.

"With each sunrise,
my thanks I send

for you, my love,
my true best friend."

Aw, that's...

Puke!

That was beautiful,
you son of a b.

Okay, every...

Sit down.

Sit down, Noel. Sit down.

Okay, everybody,
Bulldog to the rescue.

Now...

I don't want to say
Roz has had a lot of sex,

but she's spent more time
on her back than King Tut.

Did you hear the story
about the guy at KACL

who didn't have sex with Roz?

Me neither.

But, uh, seriously...

What's the difference
between Roz and a dog in heat?

No, really, I'm asking.

You people suck!

It's not a roast, Bulldog.

It's not?

I paid a guy at the
Chuckle Factory

50 bucks to write jokes for me.

When's he getting here?

Okay, okay... you want a speech?

Best of luck in
your new job, Roz.

If you're ever
need a sports guy,

I'm your man.

And I wouldn't have any
problem with you being my boss.

After all, I know
what it feels like

to be underneath
you, am I right?

Watch what you say about her!

FRASIER: Noel, Bulldog, come on!

Walk it off, Noel.
Walk it off. Go on.

Careful, gents.

Really, the way you two
are always carrying on,

people are going
to start talking.

Hello, all.

Gil Chesterton here,
with a toast to Roz Doyle.

Hear, hear.

A wonderful co-worker
and a good friend.

Hear, hear. Hear, hear.

Of course, I, too,

noticed Roz's sex
appeal immediately.

She had the same effect on all
of us stallions in the KACL corral.

She made us want
to paw the ground

and rise up on our
powerful haunches,

fetlocks glistening.

Smokey, Misty, Storm! Away!

Okay, bar's closed.

Gil? ( whistles)

Uh, Julia, your turn.

Oh. Uh...

Well, I've only known
Roz a short time,

but I can see that she's a
valuable member of this team.

And I'm sure you'll be missed.

Good luck.

Well said, well said. Uh...

( clears throat)

Roz...

I celebrate your new
adventure with you.

But I wouldn't be
honest if I didn't say

that this is a big loss for me.

You were there on my
very first day at KACL

and you took me under your wing.

It's crowded under there.

( whispers): I will kill you.

I don't think I'll ever
grow accustomed

to seeing somebody
else in your booth.

And certainly no one else
can ever take your place

in our hearts.

And while we
welcome new friends,

we are sad to say
good-bye to old ones.

Good luck, Roz.

Hear, hear.

Speech. Come on, Roz.

Speech, speech!

( clears throat)

Thanks, you guys.

I just love you all
for doing this for me.

We really are like
a family, aren't we?

You know, this job at KPXY

is a really great,
great opportunity,

but it'll never be like this.

Which is why I'm
changing my mind.

I can't leave KACL. I'm staying.

Really?!

( cheering)

Thank you very
much. Oh! Mrs. Moon,

uh, we'd like to get two
double lattes to go, please.

For an extra dollar, I
can add a nip of brandy.

Is that on the menu?

It's on the secret menu.

I'll pass, thank you.

You know, Frasier,
I feel so invigorated

to get back to my old job.

Oh, Roz...

In fact, I'd really
like to record

some promos tonight,
if you're available.

Oh, I can't.

I'm taking Julia to the movies.

One of my favorites:
Noch Einen Stuhl.

Noch Einen Stuhl?

Yes. It's the story of a
19th-century Austrian family

as told from the point of view
of an old fireside armchair.

I'm sorry, I dozed off.

What were you saying?

I've got to get an
alternative newspaper

to check show times.

I'll be right back.

Here we are.

Oh...

( phone ringing)

Your phone's ringing.

Oh, it's not mine,
it's Frasier's.

( ringing continues)

Ew! It's Julia.

Who's that?

Oh, this witch who's trying
to get her hooks into Frasier.

I hate her.

I'll fix her.

Wh-Wh-What are you doing?

( sultry): ♪ Hello. ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

Frasier's in no
position to talk,

if you, uh, get my meaning.

Who is this, then?

Hold on.

Sweetheart, do you
want to talk to a Julia?

( giggling): Oh,
Frasier, put me down.

( both snickering)

Sorry, he's not here
after all. Bye, now.

There. Problem solved.

You know, you probably
ruined their entire evening.

How can I thank you?

Only one showing of
Noch Einen Stuhl tonight.

Got to go by the box office

and pick up the tickets.

Yes, I bet they're going fast.

Hello! Oh, sorry!

Wish we could join you guys.

I'm going to get tickets
for Noch Einen Stuhl!

Cutting it a little
close, aren't you?

Hey, Mum.

When you've finished your
shift, we'll drive you home.

Really?

Are you sure it wouldn't
give you more pleasure

to see me walk home
on my bloody stumps?

Well, it would, but
we're in a hurry.

We'll be here when you're ready.

Oh, Niles...

Oh...

Just think, one day,
we'll have one of those.

Yes. Just one awkward chore

to get out of the way.

Well, that's romantic.

I meant asking your
mother to move out.

We're not asking her, Niles.

We're telling her.
I know. I know.

You have to be firm. Yes.

This is a woman
who came for week

and stayed for
a year and a half.

Yes, I know. I
just think that...

It's not like she's
got no place to go.

She's got seven other children!

I know.

Plus, a home and
friends in England.

Many friends, yes.

I just... I...

I just don't know
how to break it to her.

Well, the sooner we do,

the sooner can
start our own family.

You're right.

Do you realize,
this time next year,

we could be sitting
here with our own baby?

Baby?

What's this, then?

We'll talk about it later.

I want to talk about it
now. What's going on?

Well, I was going
to wait until later,

but if you really
want to know, we...

Wait, wait, Daphne,
Daphne... ( clears throat)

We've decided to start
trying to get pregnant.

Oh, well, I'm glad
you think you can.

I was beginning to think

there might be something
wrong with your equipment, Niles.

Oh, were you?

Well, here's more news:
You're out of the house,

so pack your bags
and find another sucker.

Uh, excuse me,

could I get some
service over here?

Keep your knickers on.

Don't move.

We're not done
hashing this through.

♪ Hello. ♪

( suspiciously): Hello.

♪ Hello. ♪

Say that again.

♪ Hello? ♪

Now say, "Frasier's
in no position to talk,

if you get my meaning."

Now, it was all Roz's idea.

I had no choice.

I'm not a well woman.

Hello, Roz.

Julia.

( shuts door)

I just talked to that
waitress over at Nervosa.

The one that answered
Frasier's phone.

She gave you up immediately.

( laughing): Relax.

It was just a joke.

Okay.

So, what's going on?

Do you have some sort of
problem with me seeing Frasier?

Well, as long as
you're asking...

I think you're all
wrong for him.

That's not your call.

I think I know Frasier
a little better than you.

So?

So...

he deserves someone better.

Someone who'll appreciate him.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Frasier's a good guy.

He's smart and sweet
and way too good for you.

Why don't you just leave.

Nobody here likes you, anyway.

Frasier seems to.

Well, he's an idiot.

Are you trying to
save Frasier from me

or are you trying to
save him for yourself?

Are you out of your mind?

You in love with him?

Go to hell, Julia.

That would explain why you
turned down that great job.

That is not true.

Then stay out of my way.

Or what?

Do you want to find out?

What, are you going
to hit me or something?

Don't think I won't.

Well, you're sure
taking your time.

Stay away from him.

Got it?

Get out of here!

Well, I guess this is good-bye.

Um, I just want you to know,

I love you both very much,

and I'm, you know,
looking forward

to standing on my
own two feet again.

Uh...

Thank you for the
ticket, and the luggage

and the clothes and
the spending money.

( gasping)

I'm sorry. This is just so sad.

Gertrude, are you
sure you're okay...

Good-bye, Mum. Have a nice trip.

Say hello to everyone
in Manchester for me.

Right, then.

Good-bye, Niles.

Good-bye.

I know you'll be
a wonderful father

to my grandchild.

I hope you'll find time
to send me a picture.

Well, can't we all just talk...

We have your address.

I'm off.

Bye.

( sighs)

Oh, Daphne, you were wonderful.

I don't know how you did it.

( sobbing)

Hold me, Niles.

( sobbing)

Hang on. Hang on.

Gertrude!

( sobbing): Yes?

Come here, come here.

Uh...

Would you be willing
to stay in Seattle

if-if, say, you had
your own apartment?

Oh, Niles...

Do you really mean that?

I mean, I don't want to intrude.

Well, of course I mean it.

And-And-And we'd
even help with the rent.

Define "help."

We'll talk.

Well, then, it's settled.

I'll just go tell the
taxi I'm not going.

No, no, no, you're going.

Just tell them to take
you to the Four Seasons.

I'll go ahead and call
and book you a room.

You've made me so happy,
I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, come here...
( Niles laughing)

Niles, I...

I don't know how to thank you.

I do.

Hey, Martin.

Hi, Roz. Come in.

Is Frasier here?

I really need to talk to him.

No, he went out for dinner.

Oh, let me guess: Julia.

Wow. Not a fan, huh?

I can't stand her, actually.

( chuckling): Really!

Well, I just met
her this evening,

but she seemed nice to me.

Well, that's because
she's got you snowed.

She's a mean, snooty tight-ass

who thinks she's better
than everybody else,

and Frasier's making
a giant mistake,

and somebody's got
to do something about it.

Well, good luck.

When Frasier's heart takes
over, his brain shuts down.

That's why we have
to do something now,

before this relationship
gets any closer.

Will you help me?

Well, Roz, if you feel
that strongly about it,

sure, I'll back you up.

( door opening)

Oh, hi, guys.

MARTIN: Hi. Hi.

Hi, Roz.

Hello, Roz. Nice to see you.

Julia.

Martin, I've brought you

some cake from the restaurant.

Restaurant cake!

Steady...

It's chocolate... why don't I

cut you a slice and
pour you some milk.

New plan.

I'll distract her while
you talk to Frasier.

What's going on, Roz?

I didn't expect to
see you tonight.

Well, um, I have something

really important
to talk to you about,

and I really need
you to listen to me.

Well, absolutely.

That's what I do.

I really, really, really think

you should stop seeing Julia.

Look, I know you two
have your difficulties.

No, it's not that.

She's all wrong for you.

I think I see what's
going on here.

You and I have a
close relationship.

A new woman comes
to the radio station,

she and I form a
close relationship

and you feel threatened.

No. She's evil.

It's not your fault.

You can't see it because
she puts on an act around you.

Did it ever occur
to you that maybe

she's putting on an
act for everybody else,

and maybe I see
her as she really is?

Oh, she's got you
totally brainwashed!

Roz, you have no
right to come over here

and run her down to me.

It's really none
of your business.

This is my business.

And why?

Because...

we're friends.

I can't believe you're
turning on me like this!

I gave up a job that
was ten times better

to stay on your show!

Yes, and frankly, I
don't understand that!

Why, exactly, did you
turn down that job?

Out of loyalty to you!

Loyalty to me! Are you sure?

Are you sure it
wasn't just fear?

Are you sure you're not
just using me as an excuse

not to grow and move on?

Who wants restaurant cake?

You're going to have
to choose, Frasier.

You will not put me
in this position, Roz.

We will discuss it later.

No! Tell me!

It's her or me!

Tell me now, or I swear to God,

I will walk out of here
and I will not come back!

Thank you, Julia.

I think I will have some cake.

( weakly): Fine.

( door closes)

And this will be your
office, Ms. Doyle.

Make yourself at home.

Thank you, Mr. Wiswell.

Uh, there's no chance

you'll change your
mind again, is there?

No. KACL is ancient history.

Good.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Mercy!

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged! ♪

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads ♪

♪ And scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again ♪

Good night!