Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 23 - Analyzed Kiss - full transcript

Well, I think we've got
time for one last caller.

Roz, who've we got?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

( pencil clatters)

Well, I suppose I'll be
fielding this last one myself.

Let's try line two.

Go ahead, caller, your name
and your problem, please.

Yes, sir. My name's Ernie.

And I'm real angry at my dog.

Okay, Ernie. Uh,
very often when, uh,



people have feelings
towards their pets,

it often reflects feelings
they have about themselves

and their place in society.

So, tell me, why are
you angry at your dog?

Well, he keeps telling me
to take off my foil helmet.

You hold on, Ernie. Um...

Someone will come on the
line with the number of an expert

in this sort of situation.

Let's try, uh, line four.

ROZ: Oh, yes, of
course I'm interested.

I'll fax my resume right over.

Well, the news is up next,

followed by the market update

with Julia Wilcox.



That's it for me today.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying
good day and good mental health.

Another great show, Doc.

Did you even listen?

You don't have to eat
every Big Mac to know

it's a delicious
hamburger sandwich.

Roz, what's going on?

I'm sorry, but they
want to interview me

for the program
director job at KPXY.

Well, that's great, but I didn't
even know you were looking.

I wasn't. They just
called me out of the blue.

I'm actually shocked

because I have very limited
experience in management, but...

Well, Kenny's in management;
how hard can it be?

Hey, it's not that easy.

I know it looks like a monkey
can do my job, but it can't.

True story.

Well, gosh, Roz, I...

I must say, I've got sort of
mixed feelings about this.

I couldn't be happier
that you're finally getting

the recognition
you deserve, but...

but I'm going to miss you.

Well, let's wait till
there's a real offer

before we break out the
Kleenex and champagne.

Okay.

Well, Roz, Kenny told me
about your job interview.

Good luck.

Oh, I get it.

It'll be good luck

because if I get
the job, I'll be gone.

No, it sounds like a
good position for you.

Right, 'cause I
get into a lot of

sexual positions
with a lot of guys.

I'm saying congratulations.

Oh. Thank you.

What's her problem?

Oh, I...

Well, you're being

uncharacteristically
decent today.

You all right?

I'm fine.

All right, I might as well
tell you before he does.

Avery and I broke up.

Oh. Gosh, uh, what happened?

I got tired of listening to him
promise he'd leave his wife.

Well, I'm sorry.

I realize you must
be going through...

Oh, I don't need
your sympathy, okay?

I'm not one of your pathetic
code three whackadoos.

I was just trying to help.

No need to insult my callers.

Foil Helmet Guy says

his dog needs to speak to you.

Oh. Excuse me, uh... Hi, Daph.

Hello. Gosh, I've never
seen this place so crowded.

What's the occasion?

It's Mum's day off.

Apparently, there
was a mass e-mail.

So, is Niles going
to be joining us?

No. He's taking your
father to the shooting range.

Oh, yes, yes, of
course. I had forgotten.

He'd asked me to take him,

but then I suggested that
when it comes to guns,

perhaps he would prefer
someone of Niles's caliber.

( chuckling)

I'm in rare form today.

You should see this place

when they know
you're not coming.

JULIA: No, Avery, it's...

two-thirds of the work
on that program is mine.

Well, I don't have
to prove it; it's a fact!

Oh. Oh, yeah?

Well, I should have
expected as much from a man

who wears leopard
print bikini briefs.

Avery McManus wears
shiny acetate man panties!

Excuse me.

Is everything okay?

No. Now that I've dumped
your bastard accountant,

he's trying to cut me out
of our software program.

Software program?

We... mostly me... developed
a proprietary method

for analyzing
price/volume momentum...

I call it vector scaling...

That can quantify the
likelihood of longer term trends.

Do you realize what that means?

It's good?

That program is my baby.

I have been working
on it for months.

I think your bastard accountant

has been using me all along.

Thanks for setting us up.

I did no such thing.

You know what I ought to do?

I ought to go down to his
office, demand my files,

and then trash the place.

Ju-Just a second. Just a second.

Just sit down. Sit down, please.

Take a moment to calm down

before you make
any rash decisions.

In a few hours, I'm
leaving town for a week.

There's no way I'm leaving
your bastard accountant

in control of those files.

All right, well, if you insist,

then perhaps I
should go with you.

Maybe I can help
facilitate things.

Why? What's in it for you?

Nothing. Surely you can
conceive of the possibility

that someone might want to
just do something nice for you?

You and Avery are in
this together, aren't you?

Of course not. You're not
being rational, you know.

Perhaps Avery is just
holding your program hostage

because he feels hurt.

Perhaps this is

his clumsy way of trying
to initiate a dialogue.

You really do try to see the
best in everyone, don't you?

Yes, I do.

So, what do you see
when you look at me?

Well...

I see a woman who's been hurt,

not once but many times.

A woman who finds it so
difficult to trust someone

that she won't allow
herself to be vulnerable.

A woman whose eyes
are going to get stuck

if she keeps rolling
them like that!

( loud gunfire)

Ah! Look at that grouping.

Hey, uh, Dad, you
about ready to go?

I guess I've still
got the touch.

Hey, Niles, you
ought to give it a try.

Thanks, Dad. You know
how I feel about handguns.

They breed violence.

Oh, come on. This is just simple

target shooting, that's all.

( laughing)

Yeah.

Here's one dirtbag that
isn't going to be selling crack

at any schoolyards anytime soon.

You should listen to the man.

Shooting is a great sport.

Red Brewer.

And these clowns here
are Mitch and Wayne.

Hello. Wayne.

Mitch. Hi.

I'm Niles Crane. This is
my father Martin Crane.

Oh. Hi. How you doing, guys?

Listen, Niles, let me
show you how to do this.

I think you'll enjoy it.

Oh... It's pretty simple.

You just take a solid stance,

hold the grip firmly,

steady your gun
hand with your other,

fingers to fingers,
thumb to thumb.

Focus on the front sight
and squeeze the trigger.

Okay? You try it.

Oh, you know, no
offense, but I, uh, I just...

I'm not real
comfortable with guns.

You know, Mitch used
to be that way, too.

MITCH: Yeah.

The only weapon I'd go
near was a bow and arrow.

I, uh, I got an archery
badge at day camp.

This is like archery but safer.

The weapon's more stable,

and you're in a
controlled environment.

Go on, give it a try, son.

Well, I... just, I'll
do one little one.

Just remember, stance,
grip, aim, relax, shoot.

Okay.

Stance.

Grip.

Aim.

Relax.

Shoot.

Did I do it?

You not only did
it, you hit the target.

See? Sixth ring out.

Look at the kid, he hit
the target his first time.

Not bad, kid.

Way to go, kid. That's my kid.

That was, uh, that was
a unique experience.

I'm sure I'll dine out
on that story for months.

Don't quit now, go again.

But remember, this time,

squeeze the trigger, don't pull.

Okay.

Squeeze...

( muttering)

( guffaws)

Wow. You're pretty good at this.

The kid's a natural, am I right?

( laughing): Yeah.

Can I go again?

Yeah.

What took you so long?

I was looking
for street parking.

Do you have any idea how
much this garage charges?

Avery's not here. Oh, great.

It cost me $3.50
to find that out.

No, it's good. It'll
make it easier for me

to get my program back.

What do you mean?

I know his keypad code.

Wh-Wh-What...? That
is breaking and entering.

Oh, if you're so scared,
why don't you just leave?

Well, I'm-I'm not
scared. I... I'm...

I'll have you know, I've had

my fair share of escapades.

Back in med school, I
once dressed a cadaver...

Oh, here's my program.

Okay, good. Now, just
in case he backed it up,

I'm going to delete
everything from his hard drive.

Julia, I-I-I beg
you to rethink this.

I realize you're
angry at Avery...

I'm not feeling anger,

just the peace that
comes with knowing

that Avery will be
royally screwed by me.

There's somebody at the door.

( whispering): It's
the cleaning woman.

I thought so. I've
hidden from her before.

Julia, there's still
time to end this.

Shh...!

You know what
you're doing is wrong.

You should just get out now
before more harm is done.

Will you shut up?!

It's pointless to
hide in the closet

if people outside can hear you.

You're going to get caught.

Because you won't shut up.

It's never too late
to do the right thing.

No matter how low
someone else sinks,

joining them there does
not make things better.

( door shuts)

What was that?

What?

You kissed me.

I was trying to shut you up.

Oh, no. I've been kissed
to shut me up before.

This was not that.

( taps key)

Got it. All files deleted.

You know, that didn't make
me feel as good as I thought.

That's because you know
you did the wrong thing.

Ah, that's better.

Well, it doesn't look like

I'll be leaving
KACL anytime soon.

Coffee to go, please.

Well... what-what happened, Roz?

Turns out the person

who's interviewing me
is a guy I've slept with.

What are the odds?

It was ten years ago at
a convention in Cancun.

We were all hammered.

Oh, well,

I'm surprised you
even remember him.

Well, it's hard to forget

when you wake up with
a name tag on your pillow

that says, "Hola, my
name is Woody Wiswell."

So what's the problem?

There's just something
weird about it.

I don't know, maybe I'm
just freaking myself out

because I'm not sure if
I'm ready for this job yet.

Well, of course you are, Roz.

I mean, come on,
don't doubt yourself.

They're the ones
that called you, right?

Yeah. You go down there,

you get that job.

You're going to make a
great program director.

You really think I will?

Of course I do.

Even though... I wish you
could stay with me forever.

I'm going to miss
you so much, Roz.

Oh, stop it.

I don't even have the job yet.

You're going to jinx it.

Thank you.

Listen, I better go

and get my presentation together

so I can impress Woody Wiswell.

Seems to me

you've impressed him already.

Hello. Julia!

Can I have a
latte to go, please?

Listen, Julia, Julia...

I've been dying to talk to you
all week about what happened

at Avery's office.

Obviously something is going on,

and I have several hypotheses.

It could be displaced passion,

frustration from a
failed relationship,

or an adrenaline-induced action

as a result of the stress we
were both suffering from...

Oh, Frasier, for
once in your life,

would you please shut up?

Oh, hi. Hello.

Hi, guys. Hey, Frasier.

Hey, Fras, you
look a little down.

Everything okay?

Uh, two coffees, please?

Dad, if you had any
perspicacity whatsoever,

you would know
that this expression

is merely ruminative perplexity.

My bad.

It's nothing serious.

I'll work it out.

You know where I
like to work things out?

The shooting range.

Good Lord, Niles, are
you still going down there?

I thought you hated guns.

Oh, believe me, I never
expected I'd like it as much as I do,

but when you're in that booth

focused on precision
and accuracy,

it's not dissimilar to
a kind of meditation.

Wouldn't you agree, Dad?

I just like to shoot stuff, son.

Fair enough.

You should join us.

There's a great bunch
of guys I shoot with.

I think you'd like them.

Well, I'm not sure I'd fit in

with a bunch of
trigger-happy gun nuts.

Now don't stereotype them.

These are decent family
men who enjoy marksmanship.

It's a good group we've got.

Dad and I are going
down this afternoon.

I don't think I'm going
to come today, Niles.

Well... it's Mitch's birthday.

I usually go shooting
twice a year or so,

and after this week,
I've had my fill.

Well... Thank you.

I'm still going.

My shooting's getting
better and better.

Plus, the gun show's in town

and the guys are
bringing me passes.

Mm!

A gun show?

What's next? Square dancing?

Maybe.

This country was built by
gun-toting square dancers.

So, I really appreciate

you bringing me
in for this interview.

I've been listening to
your station for a while

and I prepared a
little presentation

that I think will show you what
I can bring to the KPXY family.

Oh, that's not necessary.

I mean, this is
just a formality.

Trust me, I know
what you can do.

Really?

Yeah, I, uh...

I already told the
guys about you.

What exactly did you tell them?

Well, you know, how
incredible you are.

Okay, look, I think
there's something

that needs to be said here.

Why don't we just
get it all out in open?

Yes, we slept
together in Cancun,

but I don't want
that to affect the job.

I mean, it was ten years ago.

What are you talking about?

Look, I think you have me
mistaken for someone else.

And I think I would remember
a name like Woody Wiswell.

I mean, seriously, whose
named Woody Wiswell?

Yeah, well,

just me and my dad.

Darling, I just don't think
you need an ankle holster

when you don't even own a gun.

Well, first of all,
who says it's for me,

Miss
I-Never-Surprise-You-Anymore?

And, second of all,

I'm thinking I might
own a gun soon.

No you won't. No, no, no,

don't worry.

I... I would keep the gun in a
locker at the shooting range.

I would never have a
gun in the same house

as your mother.

Now they're saying Daisy
Duke may not get here.

Hey. Hey, how's it going, kid?

Hey...

Hey, you guys, how are you?

Listen, I want you to
meet my wife Daphne.

Daphne, this is Red
and Wayne and Mitch.

These are the guys I
was telling you about.

Nice to meet you.
Good to know you.

Listen, kid. Yeah?

We've been talking it over

and since we get
along so well at the club,

we'd like to invite you down
to our compound in Idaho

for a weekend.

A compound?

It's just like the Kennedys.

That sounds smashing.

Hey, that's the
spirit. See, I told you.

Hey, look, you're
good at math, right?

Come help me guess

how many shells are in that jar

so I can win the ATV.

Oh, excuse me.

What kind of TV?

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Oh, uh, Red, hold on sec.

Uh...

Just what kind of place
do you guys have in Idaho?

Run-of-the-mill compound
in the wilderness.

Free country where we
live by the true Constitution.

They're those militia people.

You fix this, now.

This is fun, huh?

Uh, son...

What your father means is

you shouldn't be
friends with these people.

Yeah, these are
not your kind of guys.

Why not? Well, let's just go

and we'll talk
about it in the car.

Oh, I can't believe you two.

You're always
telling me my friends

are too artsy and too snooty.

Now I finally have friends
who are regular guys

and you don't like them either.

Well, I'm having a good time.

And I'm enjoying being
a regular guy myself.

Niles, we think they want
to overthrow the government.

That's what you say
about public television.

Now if you'll excuse me.

Hey, guys, whatcha doing?

We're chipping in for this
gas-powered generator.

We're going to need it

when it comes time for
the New World Order.

Well, that sounds great.
Excuse me just a second.

Okay, they're militia.

Go, go, go, go.

I just don't understand

how this sort of
thing can happen.

Don't you look at faces?

It was long time ago.

It was dark.

And get off my case

because it doesn't
matter anyway.

I got the job.

Oh, congratulations, Roz.

I'm so proud of you.

Now can I tell you

how much I'm going
to miss you? Yes.

It is going to be sad
to leave the station.

But it's not like I'm
leaving town, Frasier.

I know, I know.

I'll see you.

See you, Roz. Bye.

Julia! Julia! Julia!

All right.

Now, listen. You can try
to avoid me all you like.

We are going to
talk this thing out.

Fine. Fine.

Anything to get you off my back.

I was looking at
you in the closet

and thinking how you
always try to do the right thing,

and I felt a rush
of affection for you.

Call me cynical, but
I've come to accept

that most people live by the
rule of screw or be screwed.

But to see you and
how much you care,

and really mean it, I...

well, it's endearing...
Irritating, but endearing.

Well, you know,
I... I am flattered,

but there are a lot of
genuine people out there.

It's just that for whatever
reason... fear, anger, hurt,

they're afraid to show it.

Oh! It's just like
the feeling you get

when you see a cute
teddy bear in the store

and you want to hug it
until its head pops off.

Could I possibly irritate
you over dinner some night?

Well, if anyone
could, it'd be you.

Take your time, work things out.

I'm not going anywhere.

I realize that you're in a
vulnerable place right now,

and that...

Oh, I recognize that one.

That was to shut me up.

Yeah.

Maybe Thursday.

( door closes)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish!

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged! ♪

Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again ♪

Frasier has left the building.