Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 22 - Fathers and Sons - full transcript

What is this?

"St. Osric's Prekindergarten
Academy and Daycare Center"?

Do I hear the pitter-patter
of petite elite feet?

No, no, no.

It's just that the wait list

for St. Osric's is
up to four years, Oh.

So I thought we should get
our application in now to be safe.

Very wise, Niles.

You know, Lilith and I waited
until Frederick was conceived

before we enrolled
him in private school.

Mr. Procrastinator.
Well, you know.



It's prekindergarten...

They run around,
they sing, they nap.

How special can
St. Osric's really be?

Well, I hear the top two percent
in coloring and putting away

can pretty much
write their own ticket.

Oh, Niles, guess
who's coming to visit.

Leland Barton.

Really? From the Empire Club?

No, no. That's Barton Leland.

Leland Barton was
Mom's research assistant.

They worked together
closely for years.

I don't remember
him. Oh, that's right.

We were just boys
when he moved to France.

Apparently he gave up psychiatry



and immersed himself
in the Paris art world.

Today,

he sits on the board of the
Paris Museum of Modern Art.

Wow. Takes a brave
man to just chuck it all, Mm.

Cross the ocean in pursuit
of a new life in a new country.

Or a brave woman.

Oh, yes, that's
absolutely right.

That's exactly what you did.

Just like Dr. Barton,

you bade farewell to the
comforts of hearth and home

and filled your sails with the
winds of change and adventure.

Well, I never
looked at it that way.

Now I'll have something
to think about this afternoon

when I'm rubbing your dad's bum.

( sighs)

Hello, Roz. Hi.

Hey, Roz. How was the dog park?

Well, I got a phone number.

Oh, nice.

Is that why you people
have pets... to get dates?

No, but it's a plus.

I've never met one person

who didn't get at least
one date through their pet.

Well, meet me.

Four years in high school

and not a single
encounter generated.

Stupid fish.

( doorbell rings)

Oh, that would be Leland.

Who's Leland? He was
Hester's research assistant.

Used to follow her
around like a puppy.

I think he was always a little
bit jealous of me, to be honest.

Not that he was alone.

Dr. Barton.

Hello, Frasier. I'm
Frasier. Good to see you.

How are you? Let
me take that for you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you. Hello.

My God, look at you!

I haven't seen you since
you were about, what,

seven years old?

And you still look
good in a suit.

Oh...

Martin, you have
not changed a whit.

Oh, my hair's gray, and
I got a bullet in my hip.

Well, I'm bigger and balder,

but I don't want
to hear about it.

But you look exactly
the same, too.

Thank you, sir.

And you must be...?

I'm assuming you don't
go by Niles anymore.

No, this-this is my
producer, Roz Doyle.

My brother's not here.

Oh...

( chuckles)

My sincerest apologies.

You are a handsome woman.

Oh.

And it's nice to meet you, too.

I guess I should be going.

Oh, not on my account, I hope.

FRASIER: Please,
Roz, stay if you like.

Can I get anybody a drink?

Well, not unless you
happen to have any sherry.

( chuckles heartily)

I think I can scare
up a glass. Roz?

Well, I'll have a beer, please.

Well, I can handle that.

Come, sit down.

Well, thank you.

So, I hear you worked
with Frasier's mom.

Yes, I did.

Did you know her?

No. Oh, pity.

She was a remarkable woman.

Brilliant, playful...
and passionate.

I adored her.

FRASIER: Here we are.

Welcome back to Seattle.

Thank you.

There we are.

( chuckles)

( sighs)

This sherry is exquisite.

Oh, thank you.

It's an Andalusian
Amontillado I'm rather fond of.

A connoisseur. I
am very surprised.

Most Americans think that
sherry is just for cooking.

Oh, my brother and I have
always had a taste for it.

Well, you didn't
get that from me.

I've always hated the stuff.

You know, come to think
of it, so did your mom.

Can I help you?

I'm sorry about that.

Eddie, down.

Wh-Why is he doing that?

I don't really know.

He used to do it to me,
but, uh... I tell you what,

just don't get in a
staring contest with him.

That's what he wants.

MARTIN: Come
on, Eddie, get down.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what got into him.

I'll get him a treat.

Frasier, this is remarkable.

You and I seem to have
the same taste in art.

Rauschenberg, Otterson,

African statuary and sculpture.

Although I...

I must confess, I'm not
familiar with that one.

Oh, that's because while
most Azande statues

are intended to
ward off evil spirits,

this one was
designed to distract me

while my pockets were
picked at the Kinshasa Airport.

( laughing)

You two have a lot in common.

Psychiatry and sherry and art...

And furniture.

That is a Coco Chanel sofa,

unless I'm mistaken.

It is an exact

replica of the one
in her Paris atelier.

You know, not many
people even notice it.

Well, not many people
have passed out drunk

on the original.

Oh, I would love
to hear that story.

Well, you are in luck,

because I love to tell it.

But first, let me thank you

for making me feel so welcome.

I must confess, I had
some reservations

about returning to Seattle.

But you have dispelled them all.

To you.

Ah...

Mmm. Mmm. Please.

Mmm. Mmm.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

NILES: Okay, we just need

to fill in a name

and I can get the
application over to St. Osric's.

How can we have a name?

I'm not even pregnant yet.

You know, it's not the name.

It's just a placeholder.

Anything will do.

Mm, all right, how
about, uh... Simon?

As in your-brother-with-the-
substance-abuse-problem Simon?

There are other
Simons, you know.

Simon Templar, Simon
Legree, Simon Chipmunk.

You're not exactly
building a case for Simon.

Um, how about Jill?

No, don't like it.

That's the name of that
weather tart on channel eight.

All right, let's just
pick a name at random.

Oh, like, out of the phone book.

Oh, that's a good idea,

and leave it to fate.

Okay...

When I stop, you point.

"Bob." Great.

Bob...

Crane. Okay.

Going to need some whiteout.

LELAND: Oh, listen to me,

I've been talking your
ears off for the past hour

about psychiatry.

MARTIN: Yeah, really.

Oh, Roz, do you
mind if we join you?

Oh, yeah, not at all.

Hi, Roz.

Leland, it is such a pleasure

to talk shop with
a fellow nutcracker.

And talking to you "Jung" people

makes me feel
like an "id" again.

( laughing)

Do you have a pun, Frasier?

Uh, no. Let's just
sit down, huh?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Oh, you know, there is

a wonderful Brassai
exhibit in town.

What do you say we
stop over there after lunch?

I would love that.

I'm a big fan.

Oh, I wish I could join you.

I have patients all afternoon.

Don't suppose you'd be
willing to go now would you?

Fine by me. Certainly. Let's
get coffee at the museum.

Dad, Roz, any chance
you'd like to take in some

Parisian photos by an
old Romanian master?

Mmmm... no.

Thanks anyway.

Okay...

Oh, excuse me.

Your father forgot his umbrella.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Here you go... "Dad."

( all chuckling)

Well, I don't
blame him for that.

Leland's more
like him than I am.

Really? You really think so?

Oh, come on, how
can you not see it?

They're like three
fancy peas in a pod.

Well, I did notice
that they have

the same taste in art and music,

and they even have some
of the same mannerisms.

Yeah.

And Leland and
Niles are both allergic

to rosehips and
Jerusalem artichokes.

Weird, huh?

When Leland was
talking to me last night

about how close
he and Hester were,

I started thinking
what you're thinking.

And what am I thinking?

Nothing.

What are you saying?
You think he's their father?

No, I wasn't saying that.

Well, lots of people like
art and sherry and-and...

French stuff.

It doesn't mean they're related.

By your logic, everyone on the
cooking channel is their father.

Okay. Okay.

Ugh! what the hell is this?

I don't know.

It was there when I sat down.

Ew!

Leland, your
autobiography is wonderful.

Thank you.

Let us hope that the
publishing houses feel similarly.

Ah. Have you
shown it to Frasier?

No, I haven't. How's
he feeling, by the way?

Let's go see. Right.

( cell phone rings)

Yeah, bring the manuscript;
he'd love to see it.

Hello.

Oh, hello, darling.

Go ahead, I'll be right there.

Okay, so Delilah's out.

No, no, that's
fine, that's fine.

What are your ideas?

Taylor, uh-huh.

Fletcher.

Cooper.

Tanner.

Where are you getting these,

The Big Book of
Medieval Professions?

Frasier, how you doing?

Oh, I'm afraid my
stomach is still churning.

I-I'm not going to be
able to make dinner.

Oh, I understand.

Well, I'll leave you to rest.

Perhaps though, later,
if you're feeling better,

I can get your opinion

on a short section
of my autobiography.

Well, when I can't give
an opinion, you may as well

call the coroner,
tag my toe, I'm dead.

( laughing)

No, that's a kind of car.

Hey, Niles. Hey.

What's going on?

Oh, we were going to go
out to dinner with Leland,

but Frasier's not feeling well.

Oh, well, maybe
I'll go check on him.

Now it just sounds like you're
reading from the spice rack.

"I realized the Sherpa
had become my guide

in more ways than one."

Oh, that was wonderful.

Read me another.

Oh, no, you go to sleep now.

Oh, Dad.

Hey, Fras. Just, uh,

was wondering how
you were feeling.

Oh, well, not so good actually.

I'm afraid I'm going
to have to skip dinner.

Why don't you go in my place?

Sure, if you want
me to. All right.

You know, the two of
you should get going

or you'll miss the reservation.

Right. Well, get well, son.

We'll be wishing you a
speedy recovery. Mm?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Fras, you want me

to bring you something
back from the restaurant?

Maybe some Jell-O
to soothe your tummy?

Thanks, Dad, it's
all taken care of.

Leland is going to bring me
some consommé and sorbet.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, Niles, it looks like

your dad is going to take
Frasier's place at dinner.

Oh, excellent.

Oh!

What's the matter?

My leg's asleep.

Ooh, move your foot around.

No, no, it's the whole
leg. I'll just wait it out.

But the movement will
get the blood flowing.

Go ahead, give it a try.
No, can't put weight on it.

Sure you can. Give it a try.

Come on, one step
at a time, come on.

There you go. That a boy.

That a boy. Keep going.

There you are, good.

Hey, Roz. Hey, Martin.

If you're looking for
Frasier, he just left.

Well, thanks, but actually,
I was looking for you.

I could use a little advice.

From me? Really?

Well, if it stinks, I
can always ignore it.

Okay, that's a plan. Come on in.

I'm just finishing up.

What do you need?

Uh, it's the Leland thing.

I mean, even though
I know it's not possible

that he's Frasier
and Niles' father,

I guess what's bugging me
is, technically, it is possible.

Well, sure, it's
possible, technically.

Martin, do you really think

your wife would have
ever cheated on you?

She did.

She said it happened once.

Oh, my God.

With Leland?

No. With someone else.

I think that you're driving
yourself crazy for nothing here.

Of course Frasier and
Niles are your sons.

You're exactly like them.

"Like"? How?

A strong sense of ethics.

Yeah. We are ethical.

What else?

The way they
spin out of control.

Hmm. That's true.

They got that from me.

Their stubbornness.
I'm not stubborn.

Their defensiveness.

What's that supposed to mean?

The way they completely
dismiss anyone

who doesn't share their opinion.

Oh, now you're just being dumb.

Hey, what is the
worst-case scenario?

If you found out you
weren't their father,

would you love them any less?

No, no.

Well, yeah, a little,
maybe, at first, but no.

I'd feel the same about them
as I hope they would about me.

Which they would,
and you know that.

Yeah.

I mean, you'd still love
Alice if you'd found out

you'd gotten the wrong
baby at the hospital.

Sure.

( both chuckle)

And as a cop, I've
seen that happen

more often than you'd think.

Especially at Seattle General.

I had Alice at Seattle General.

Oh. Sorry.

But the point was that
you'd love her just the same,

so who cares who
her real mother is.

I'm her real mother!

Okay, geez.

How about Desmond?

Desmond Crane.

Desmond Crane, you
are hereby sentenced to...

No, I don't like it.

What about Jack?

Afraid not.

The first name ends
with the same sound

that begins the last name.

So you either end up
running them together

Jack Crane, or you face
the dreaded glottal stop.

Jack Crane. Jack Crane.

It's unpleasant for the throat.

This conversation's
unpleasant for the throat.

Well, I know, I know.

Okay. Oh... why don't we
use the name of that nice nurse

from when I was in the hospital?

Fong or Deshondra?

Fong.

Wait. Let's not drive
ourselves crazy about this.

It's a temporary name
for a hypothetical child.

Yes, but once you give something
a name, it makes it more real,

and then that name will
always have a sort of priority.

I don't care how often you say

"elevator" or "apartment"
or "crossing guard,"

to me they'll always
be "lifts" and "flats"

and "lollipop men."

Well, then, tell you
what, you pick a name

and I'll accept it
unconditionally.

Milton.

Milton. Great poet
and a great name.

Great.

Can we go to bed now?

Yes.

Hey, didn't you have

a soccer hooligan
boyfriend named Milton?

Yeah, that's
where I got it. No...

♪ I know the kings of England ♪

♪ And I quote the
fights historical ♪

♪ From Marathon to
Waterloo in order categorical ♪

♪ I'm very well acquainted,
too, with matters mathematical ♪

♪ I understand equations,
both the simple and quadratical ♪

♪ About binomial theorem
I'm teeming with a lot of news ♪

♪ With many cheerful facts about
the square of the hypotenuse ♪

♪ With many cheerful facts about
the square of the hypotenuse ♪

♪ With many cheerful facts about
the square of the hypotenuse ♪

♪ With many cheerful facts about
the square of the hypotenuse ♪

♪ With many awful acts about
the scary hippopotamus! ♪

What a wonderfully
musical family you are.

We sure are.

Me and my boys.

My boys and me,
yeah. We're wonderful

and we're musical.

Martin, I can't tell you

what a wonderful job
you've done with them.

Oh, it's wasn't a job.

It was a biological pleasure.

And don't forget, I had Hester.

( phone rings) Oh, excuse me.

You were lucky.

She was a splendid woman

and a remarkable
research partner.

And an even better life partner.

Well, I wouldn't
know about that.

Damn straight you wouldn't.

Leland, your cab is waiting.

Oh, so soon?

Well, I can't thank you
enough for all your courtesies.

Bless you. If you
are ever in Paris,

you must allow me to
repay your many kindnesses.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm so proud of the way
you boys have turned out.

Leland, let me walk you out.

Thank you.

NILES: Bon voyage.

Leland, there's a
question I need to ask you.

Oh, yes, of course. Anything.

I'm a little uncomfortable
even bringing it up,

but I don't think I could
let you leave the country

without knowing the answer.

I know that you and my wife
spent a lot of time together,

that you were close.

I loved her very much.

And I guess my
question is, how much?

Enough to...

trust her with the
fact that I'm gay.

Oh!

40 years ago, people
weren't as accepting

as they are nowadays,

and without someone
like her to confide in...

She quite probably
saved my life.

Leland, she loved you, too.

She really was
something, wasn't she?

Oh, she really was.

Bye, Martin.

Take care, Leland.

Thank you.

My boys.

♪ On a tree by a
river a little tom-tit ♪

♪ Sang "Willow,
titwillow, titwillow" ♪

♪ And I said to him,
"Dicky-bird, why do you sit ♪

♪ Singing 'Willow,
titwillow, titwillow'?" ♪

♪ "Is it a weakness of the
intellect, birdie, ?" I cried ♪

♪ "Or a very tough worm
on your little inside?" ♪

Oh, my God, are you still stuck

picking a name
for that application?

Yeah, we can't come up with one.

Oh, God, give it to me.

And then I'll fill it in, and
you'll never have to see it,

you won't feel stuck with it.

That's a great idea.

Howard Clifton is
officially accepted.

Who do we have next?

Last name "Crane," first name...

"Ichabod."

Well, if they're not going to
take the application seriously,

how can we expect them
to take St. Osric's seriously?

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Oh, my!

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Thank you!