Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 19 - Some Assembly Required - full transcript

So, on behalf of myself,

the many volunteers

and especially the
team from KACL...

Whoo!

I'd like to welcome you,

the Grant Family,

to your new Habitat
for Humanity house.

Ronnie, if I may?

When my coworkers

first signed me
up for this project

without my knowledge, I
was... Well, I'll say it... irked.



But I'm glad they did,

because I've had
a chance to learn

the pride that comes
when you build something

with your own two hands.

As carpenter's helper,

I sanded that
newel post out there.

As painter's helper's assistant,

I stirred the paint for the trim

in the kitchen.

I was also surprised
to learn that

electricians don't have helpers.

It's getting dark.

(chuckling): Oh,
right, of course.

Enjoy your new home.



I know I did.

And if ever these
walls should tumble,

keep an eye out for
my Harvard class ring.

Thank you.

MAN: It's hard to believe

the house is finally ours.

We cannot thank everyone enough.

Thank you.

Well... Yay!

Well, are you sure

you took enough
credit for the house?

I took just enough, Roz.

It's not my fault

I'm not licensed to
use a plug-in tool.

Frasier, those guys...

You don't need a...

Never mind.

I'm sorry I'm so late, Martin.

No problem. Everything okay?

My mom is a mean,
spiteful woman.

Maybe we should talk this out
before you put your hands on me.

Daphne and her mom
had a big fight this morning.

Gertrude's been especially
difficult to live with lately.

Yeah, last night

she got the neighbor's
cat drunk again.

One of them threw
up in the hot tub.

Well, I told her

we will not tolerate this
inconsiderate behavior anymore.

If she wants to be
part of this household,

she has to get off her lazy bum
and help out around the house.

How did I put it, Niles?

I couldn't hear you... I
was in the panic room.

But you looked very
forceful on the monitor.

Anyhow, she pinched me keys

and drove off in a snit.

Niles had to drive me over here.

Why, I'm so mad, I
could break something.

Are you ready, Martin?

Uh, let's give it a
few more minutes.

What is this?

Has Frasier been
attempting the laundry again?

No, it's Eddie's.

It's for a safety talk

Eddie and I are giving
at Glenbrook Elementary.

Oh, yeah. Sounds like fun.

We're replacing a
talking parrot act...

Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob.

Dick Chirpy was one
of the finest officers

I ever served with.

It's funny, you know?

With a name like Chirpy,
you'd think he'd be the parrot,

but as I said before, he
wasn't. He was the guy.

The parrot being Bob.

That's fascinating.

Dad, are you sure
you want to do this?

I spoke at a career day once.

It was a disaster... All
the taunting and yelling.

I haven't been so...

I haven't been so afraid of
third graders since ninth grade.

Well, thanks for
the warning, son,

but Eddie and I will be fine.

Hey, would you like
to see part of the act?

We'd love to.

Oh, great. Take a seat.

Come on, Eddie. Show time!

Okay, Eddie,

what should you do
before you cross a street?

That's right.

Look both ways.

How about if a stranger
approaches you?

( barks)

Right again.

Yell and run to
someone you trust.

Okay.

What about if you catch on fire?

That's right.

Stop, drop and roll.

What do you think?

I think the kids
are going to love it.

I see Dad's been
showing you the act.

Ah. Here we are.

Hmm, darn.

This drawer isn't
closing properly.

I think I'd better
go get my tools

and have a look at it.

You sure you know
what you're doing?

Niles, please. I built a house.

I think I can handle
a simple drawer.

You know it's probably
the slidey thing.

Or the drawer may
have become warped.

If that's the case,
then she's going

to need to be planed,
sanded and refitted.

Or you could turn
the stapler on its side.

I paid good money...

for an upright stapler, Niles.

(door opens)

MR. GRANT: Dr. Crane,
it's great to see you.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the neighborhood
and I thought I'd stop by

to see how you two
were coming along.

I also wanted to drop
off this little gift for you.

I thought it would be
perfect for the house.

Thank you very
much. Very generous.

MRS. GRANT: How
lovely. Thank you.

Come in. Make yourself at home.

Sorry for all the boxes.

Oh, no, please, don't apologize.

You know, this
is a beautiful print.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, we've been debating
about where to hang this.

I was thinking up on the wall.

Uh-huh. Well, that's
an excellent place,

but, however, it
comes to my mind

that actually if you hung
it opposite the front door,

it would be the first
thing your guests see

when they arrive.

What a wonderful idea.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, if you don't
mind a little suggestion:

If you put the couch, say...

like this, you see, you've
got a lovely conversation area

as well as a clear view

of the television.

You really have a gift for this.

Oh, gosh, it's hardly a gift.

It's a knack, perhaps.

A flair at best. Wow.

Wait until we tell people

that our living
room was decorated

by Dr. Frasier Crane.

Oh, please. Hardly decorated.

But you know, if
you'd like to sit down

and sketch out a few ideas
together, I'd be delighted.

Seriously? Sure.

Well, then I insist that
you stay for dinner.

Well, how can I refuse?

Here, let me take that for you.

You know, I had a lot of
time to think about this space

when I was watching
the plaster dry.

I was plaster watcher.

MRS. MOON: Can I help you?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Just following orders.

Working myself ill
so I can contribute

to Her Highness's
household coffers.

I'm sure Daphne
only meant to suggest

that perhaps you might help
out a little bit more at home.

"Contribute" is the word

she shouted down
from her high horse.

But I'll be glad to "help
out" with the wages I earn

serving strangers
with my arthritic hands.

Now, how may I provide
you with excellent service?

Well, what would you recommend?

Not having children.

What does she think she's doing?

I guess this is just
her childish attempt

to embarrass us.

Working here, she's hoping
we'll retreat in humiliation.

I stopped being humiliated

after she showed up in
that spring break video.

Hello.

Hey, Dad.

Well, it's been 60 years,

but once again,

I am the toast of
the second grade.

Congratulations.

So it went well, then?

Oh, the kids loved it.

When it was over,
they all ran up

and gave me and Eddie big hugs.

Well, Dad, then you
might just want to consider

having that uniform cleaned.

Kids that age are
always carrying germs.

God knows what you picked up.

Oh, I'm sure any germs on
their hands were jarred loose

by their wild applause.

The principal asked
us to come back

and have an assembly
for all the fourth graders.

Dad, good luck.

It's well known that
of the cruelest grades,

ninth is third,
seventh is second

and fourth is first.

If you're not going to order,

I'll have to ask you to
leave this establishment.

Gert, you working here?

At Daphne's insistence.

The blood is pooling in my feet,

but at least I'm contributing
to the palace's upkeep.

Say, maybe I could
sell some of that blood

and give my daughter her cut.

Is that a good idea, Daphne?

Should I sell my blood for you?

No, Mom.

You can keep your blood.

Did you hear that, everyone?

My daughter's letting
me keep my blood.

Okay, let's just...

That's nice. Maybe we'll
go have coffee at home.

No tips.

Nice.

( flatly): Frasier, hi.

What a surprise.

Honey, guess who's here again.

Whoa, four times in one week.

Hi, Chet.

How do you like
the sconces, huh?

Uh, good, good.

I thought you had plans tonight.

Well, I was just driving by

and I noticed something
rather alarming.

What is it?

It seems somebody has put

a cow mailbox at the
end of your driveway.

That's ours. Chet
put it up this morning.

If you want, we'd be happy

to give you back
the one you gave us.

No, no, no, that's not
necessary. It was a gift.

And it was custom-painted
to match the shutters,

exactly the way I pictured it

when this house was no
more than a foundation.

Now, the cow is beautiful,

but is it really the first
impression you want to make?

Remember, a mailbox
is a house's handshake.

We like the cow.

It's cute.

Besides, we're thinking
about replacing the shutters.

Maybe put up some awnings.

And a screen door.

Wouldn't that be cozy?

Gosh, I'm sorry.

Everything's going so fast.

I, uh, last night when I
drove away from here,

it seemed like we were
all on the same page.

Now it feels like we're
working at cross-purposes.

How do we feel
about the accessories?

They're okay.

Okay? Last night
they were to die for.

That doesn't sound
like something I'd say.

Well, I remember
somebody saying it.

Look, all right, let's
just try to calm down.

Marge, why don't you go serve up

some of that world-famous
apple pie of yours?

We can all sit down
and work this out.

Thanks, Dr. Crane,
you've been a big help,

but I think we can
take it from here.

Well, but surely...

Good night, Dr. Crane.

Dad, this is crazy.

If you're too sick to
drive yourself here,

you're too sick to
give a safety talk.

I'll be fine.

I just have to get
over this dizziness.

There are you, Mr. Crane.

I was getting nervous.

Listen, I'm afraid my
dad's not feeling well.

I think it would be best if
we canceled the assembly.

Are you kidding?

If I cancel this thing, we'll
have riot on our hands.

The teachers are
expecting a free period.

The kids are looking forward

to seeing the safety show.

Eddie and I aren't
going to let them down.

Okay, if you really
think you can do this.

I can.

And by the way, you're
just as beautiful today

as you were the
day I married you.

Okay, I let that go
the first time. Sit down.

We're going to get
him some ice water.

We're going to
keep him off his feet.

Okay, but you'll have
to go on in his place.

No, I can't do
that. Yes, you can.

Safety is everyone's concern.

And I can't guarantee
yours if you don't.

(overlapping chatter)

Quiet. Quiet, people.

Settle down.

GameBoys off.

Let's give a warm
fourth grade welcome

to Officer Eddie and... friend.

( scattered applause)

Hello, safety fans.

I'm Citizen-Officer Niles

and this is my
partner, Officer Eddie.

Okay...

Officer Eddie will now
show us how to act

in various dangerous situations.

Say, Officer Eddie, can
you show the kids what to do

before they cross the street?

That's right. We
wait for the signal.

Okay, uh...

Eddie, show the boys and
girls what to do if they're lost.

Eddie?

Come here, boy. Hey.

Children, I have a
confession to make.

I'm not a Citizen-Officer.

I, uh, I'm a psychiatric doctor

specializing in marriage
and family counseling.

( children booing)

I know, I know.

The point is...

the point is that my
father is an actual officer

and he'd be here today,
except he got a nasty cold...

Probably from some careless
youngsters at his last assembly.

Which brings up a different

yet no less important
kind of safety...

Hygiene.

Oh, geez.

I would like to introduce
you to the first defense

in the war against germs...

Officer Pocket Square.

Okay, okay.

Maybe it's not cool to carry a
handkerchief around anymore...

It's not!

Is influenza cool?

Is scarlet fever cool?

Do you have any
idea how many germs

there are on just one finger?

Yes, that finger, for example.

It's millions!

Or take simple dust.

You know what dust is?

It's the excretion of mites.

Little bugs that are
eating your skin right now.

What the hell is he doing?

He's freaking me out,
that's what he's doing.

Oh, Roz, hey, come and join me.

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I'm not sure the Grants

are the right family
for our house.

Who?

The Grants... the people who
moved into the house we built.

You went back there?

Just a few times, to
try to share with them

the principles of decor,
room flow, general livability.

Then they literally
showed me the door.

Yes, Roz, the very door I
hung for them in the first place.

Take a moment
to digest the irony.

Frasier, what do you expect?

It's their house.

Yes, but I helped

to build it.

Okay, untangling extension
cords and stirring paint

isn't exactly building a house.

Oh, I know I didn't do much.

The truth is, I've never
really been very handy.

In elementary school, I
made an ashtray for my dad.

It caught fire.

Frasier, you did your part,
but now you have to let go.

That poor family
probably thinks you're

some rich, arrogant guy
who's bossing everyone around.

Oh, Lord.

Maybe I owe them
an apology, Roz.

I mean, the last thing I want
Marge and Chet to think of me

is that I'm some sort of a snob.

Did I tell you they
have a cow mailbox

at the end of their driveway?

My mom has a cow mailbox.

Well, sure,

that's Wisconsin.

The buckle on the bumpkin belt.

Hey, you two.

FRASIER: Oh, hi, Daphe.

A latte, please.

Daphne, here it is.

My first paycheck,
$74.12, post tax.

See, everybody, I'm helping out

my well-to-do daughter

with my pittance of a paycheck.

Thanks.

I suppose you're going to
ask me to stop working here.

Well, I don't care if
you are embarrassed.

I will contribute to the
household like you told me

even if it kills me.

Sign here.

Right, then...

I'll just work here
till I keel over dead.

Kindly set aside a few
pennies from my pay

for a nice casket.

Already taken care of.

Four rodent hairs

and the head capsule
of an adult grain beetle.

CHILDREN: Ew!

Chocolate. Milk.

Meat. Cookies.

Oh, okay, I heard
chocolate. I'll take chocolate.

Per 100 grams,

the government allows an
average of approximately

60 insect fragments
and the odd rodent hair.

( kids groaning)

But let's say you
want to play it safe.

Maybe drink a
can of fruit juice.

That's healthy... or is it?

Well, sure,

if your idea of healthy

is approximately five
fly eggs and a maggot.

This is your government, people!

PRINCIPAL: All right...

let's thank Dr. Crane
for coming by today.

But I'm afraid
we're out of time.

CHILDREN: No!

Stay. Stay.

Stay.

PRINCIPAL: Okay, okay, one more

and then we have
to say good-bye.

Well, I can't leave
without mentioning

our friend the hot dog.

Or perhaps it should be
called "hot parasitic cysts,

"insect fragments, general grit

and rodent droppings."

Thank you.

( cheering and applause)

PRINCIPAL: Thank you,

Dr. Crane, for that
most enlightening talk.

And right before lunch.

Everyone exit in a single
line to the cafeteria, please.

Good job, Niles.

Thanks.

It was touch-and-go
there for a while,

but you came through
with flying colors.

Quick thinking making up
that stuff about the hot dogs.

Thanks, Dad, but you know
I didn't make anything up.

I said it was okay to make
up that stuff about hot dogs,

which I love and
had for breakfast.

Yes, well, I guess I was
faster on my feet than I knew.

Excuse me, sir.

I just wanted to say
you were great up there.

Thank you.

Hey, kid...

Here.

Wow!

Thanks, Citizen-Officer Niles!

Thanks for coming
along with me, Roz.

I'm not sure they'd
open the door

if it was just me.

It's him again.

I-I'm sorry to disturb you.

You remember Roz?

Hi.

Hello.

Yes, I just wanted to say

how sorry I am for my
behavior this last week.

I've been intrusive
and controlling.

I lost sight of the fact
that this is your home...

to do with as you will.

And I sincerely wish you all
many years of happiness in it.

Thank you.

You care to come in?

Oh, we'd be honored to
be guests in your home.

Oh, look what you've
done with the place.

MRS. GRANT: Do you like it?

I think it's great.

What do you think, Frasier?

Would you like to take a tour?

Mm-hmm.

MR. GRANT: We just finished
repainting the den yesterday.

Oh, Frasier, you've
got to see this.

Oh?

( chuckling): Oh...

Wow, that's purple!

Thank you again for the tour.

Your home is lovely.

We like it.

It's the kind of home
we've always dreamed of.

Yes.

Good night.

Good night.

Frasier, I am very proud of you.

I did it.

I didn't criticize.

I said nothing judgmental.

I didn't say a single word

about their horrible,
horrible taste.

You were great.

I finally did it. I...

This was the ultimate
test, and I passed.

I can finally let go.

Good-bye, house.

I release you.

They're going
to call the police.

Shut up!

It's better this way.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Thank you!