Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 18 - Roe to Perdition - full transcript
After finding a terrific and (relatively) inexpensive source of first-class caviar, Frasier and Niles start using the service to buy favors from their society friends, but soon find themselves in over their heads. Meanwhile, Martin goes to great lengths to return some money an ATM gave him by mistake.
Oh, uh, get a cart.
Oh, could you get
it, Niles, please?
They're so small,
they make me feel
like I'm some sort
of fairy tale giant.
Hey, any thoughts
about what to serve?
Well, I thought we might serve
a house-cured gravlax
with crème fraiche
and a sprig of dill.
Oh, in other words, the usual.
For your information, Niles,
people happen to like it.
Yes, people like
animated musicals.
Oh, honestly.
Frasier, look!
Caviar.
They haven't had any in ages.
This is just what we need
to make our soiree soignée.
( chuckles)
Good heavens.
It's $100 an ounce.
Well, it must be mismarked.
Excuse me, is the Beluga
really $100 an ounce?
( heavy French accent): Yes.
Well, isn't that
rather a lot to pay?
To you, yes.
To the fish who gave up
her life so you could spread
her unborn children
on a cracker,
it's not so much.
You know, the reason
for such high prices
is the Russian Mafia.
They control this market.
The Russian Mafia controls
Robert's Gourmet Goodies?
He means the caviar
market, you ninny.
MAN: Yes.
I have Beluga for sale.
Top quality, fair price.
The name is Petyr.
I recently arrived
on my cousin's ship,
the Caspian Queen, with
beautiful Beluga caviar.
But because of those
gangsters, we cannot sell.
So I do it like this.
Quietly.
How much you want?
How do we know this
isn't some sort of scam?
It's no scam.
Look inside.
You taste.
You really must try this, Niles.
It's like being kissed
by a lusty mermaid.
( chuckles)
So, you are interested, yes?
Maybe, but how can we
be sure that you are not
Russian Mafia yourself?
Because for six generations
my family fished the Caspian.
Then ten years ago,
the bastards come.
They burned my father's boat.
They steal my mother's salt
so she cannot prepare the roe.
And if they know I sell
Beluga for $40 an ounce,
they would cut out my
tongue and pluck out my eyes!
Did you say $40 an ounce?
Shouldn't our caviar
be here by now?
It will be here, Niles.
I gave Roz
explicit instructions.
What if we've been swindled?
What if the tins
are filled with sand?
Niles,
I am, as you know,
an excellent judge of character.
And in Petyr, I saw an
honest, hard-working fisherman.
Why didn't you have
him deliver it here?
What? I don't want him
knowing where I live.
( doorbell rings)
The Russian bear hunts by night.
Very funny, Roz, come on.
Give me that.
All right, let's have a look.
Oh.
Niles.
It's beautiful.
I don't get what the
big deal is about caviar.
I had it once, it
was nothing special.
Well, Roz, a lot of
things can affect caviar.
Where did you have it?
On a mini-bagel at
the Tucson Doubletree.
Try this.
Hmm.
Wow.
Mm-hmm?
That's good. Yes.
That's really good.
What's your little
party for tonight?
Invited guests.
I'm sorry, Roz.
What?
Thank you for your help.
See you later.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Check this out.
Just went to the ATM for $20,
as you can see from this
receipt, and it gave me $60.
I won 40 bucks.
You, you mean the bank lost $40.
Uh, yeah, that big, faceless
bank that charges me
$12 a month for my
checking account lost $40.
You know, you can't keep that.
It's bad karma.
Sorry, this is America.
A land built on the
principle "Finders Keepers."
Oh, come on.
There's a toll-free
service number
right here on the receipt.
Just call them and tell
them what happened.
Why should I?
Because otherwise,
you could end up
like my brother Nigel
and his baby teeth.
What happened with
your brother Nigel
and his baby teeth?
Well, like any child,
the first time he
had a tooth fall out,
he put in under his
pillow at bedtime,
and sure enough,
the next morning,
he found that Winston Churchill
had left him a shiny, new coin.
Question.
No, Dad, we're not stopping.
Go ahead, darling.
Well, instead of being grateful,
he got greedy and
went off to school,
punching people in their mouths
and scooping up their teeth.
Of course, it didn't work, and
he got kicked out of school,
became a thief, and
eventually went to prison.
Where he...
fittingly had all of
his teeth knocked out.
No, he lost his
teeth years earlier
in a rock-eating contest.
Now that's an interesting story.
We were renting a house
next to a quarry at the time...
All right, all right,
I'll call the bank!
Very kind of you to
have us here, Crane.
Yes, it's wonderful.
But then you must be used
to hosting successful parties.
Oh, not really.
Something's usually
on fire by now.
Oh, you're funny.
No, I'm serious.
Now, tell me.
How can we get our hands
on some of this fantastic caviar?
Well, I wish I could tell you,
but it's, uh...
a private source.
Well, perhaps I
should mention then,
that, uh, this is
for our yacht party,
at which there just might be
room enough for another guest.
Okay, what are we talking here?
Well, maybe five, six ounces?
Let me go see what's
in the refrigerator.
That a boy, Crane.
Niles, what are you doing?
Oh, good news.
Emile Sinclair is
crazy about the caviar.
If we sell him the rest,
he distinctly implied
he would get our squash lockers
moved further from the showers.
Isn't that fantastic?
Per-son-al.
It's, well, it would be, Niles,
if the Michaelses weren't
equally enamored of it,
and dangling an
invitation to a yacht party.
That is a pickle.
Check-ing.
FRASIER: Niles?
Why don't we just call Petyr,
and order some more caviar?
That way we can satisfy
both Sinclair and the Michaels.
Cus-to-mer Ser-vice.
Niles, this caviar connection
could really open
some doors for us.
Per-son-al!
What are you doing, Dad?
Oh, this stupid bank's
automatic voice system,
it's like a maze!
All right, give it here.
You just push "O"
and you'll get an operator.
It's a little trick I learned.
Another menu.
Sometimes it's a star.
All right, maybe "1" will
get me back to a main menu.
Ah.
Here you are.
Got me to the right department?
No, but if I remember my
high school Spanish correctly,
you just qualified for
a small business loan.
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, um, I was at one
of your ATMs yesterday,
and it gave me back more
than it should have, so I want...
Okay, for that you're
going to need to complete
an ATM trouble
report, and then take it
to our operations officer
at the desk over there.
You mean I have to fill this out
before I can give you 40 bucks?
Yes, sir.
But your sign says,
"Making banking simpler."
Yes, sir.
Well, this isn't simpler,
it's more complicated.
Yes, sir, it is.
Oh, forget it.
I knew this was going to be
more trouble than it was worth.
A little paperwork's
a small price to pay
for a clear conscience.
Yeah, meanwhile,
I'm out 40 bucks.
It's not your money.
Can I help you?
Yes, uh, I had some trouble
with one of your ATMs.
Oh, I can't help you.
I need a manager.
I'm proud of you.
Trust me, when this is
over, you'll feel better.
You really think so?
I'm sure of it.
Ah, maybe you're right.
Maybe I will feel better.
And if you're right
about that karma stuff,
I got a good thing coming to me.
Uh-oh.
How much money did
you put in the meter?
Oh, son of a bitch.
Hi, Mr. Crane, I'm
Bree, Todd's manager.
I wanted to apologize for the
trouble you had with our ATM.
And make sure that
you got your $40.
What? Uh, oh, no, no,
you don't need to
give anything to me.
You see, the machine
accidentally gave me $60
instead of $20, so I
need to give you $40.
So, you want to put
this in your account?
No, no, no.
I want you to take
it, plus this $40,
and put it back
wherever it came from.
Well, I'm afraid I've
already done the paperwork.
Now you'll have to speak
with our branch manager,
but he's out of town.
This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
Although, there is
one other possibility.
Let me try something.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Per-son-al.
Sandoval, four ounces. Right.
Smoot, five ounces. Right.
McBean, ten ounces.
Ten?
Yes, I know it's a lot,
but he promised me the
use of his Sonoma estate.
Yes, well, for ten, he should.
You know, for eight,
the Ashworths gave me
the use of their box at the
opera's opening night gala.
But that's the same weekend
as the Black and White ball.
When are we going to sleep?
Good Heavens.
Sleep is for people
without social lives.
( laughs)
So, boys, where's my cut?
Oh, what are you talking about?
I promised her a cut.
You see, I was so busy
at work taking orders
that I needed her help.
ROZ: You know what
it's really good on?
Scrambled eggs.
And pizza.
And potato skins...
Yes, Roz, welcome to caviar.
At work, during the show,
I'm just sitting there thinking
"Two hours to caviar."
"One hour to caviar."
You don't have
any on you, do you?
Uh, no, no.
We're expecting
some momentarily.
Cool.
You think it'd be good
on a cheese Danish?
I think it would.
I'm getting one.
Gentlemen. Oh, Petyr, hello.
Yes, hello, but I am
afraid also good-bye.
Hmm? What? What
do you mean good-bye?
All these orders I fill for you.
It draws too much attention.
It's too risky for me.
What are you saying?
That, that there's
no more caviar?
This is my last delivery.
But this isn't nearly enough.
We've made commitments
to some very powerful people.
If we disappoint them, there's
no telling what they might do.
They will break legs?
Cut off thumbs?
Worse, there'll be gossip.
Petyr, please, just
one more delivery.
I cannot, the
danger is too great.
Petyr!
Dear God.
We're ruined, Niles.
We owe people all over town.
I know.
Is some of that mine?
Can I have it now?
Roz, Roz, I'm terribly sorry.
It seems our supplier
is going out of business,
and every ounce
of this is spoken for.
Well, that's too bad.
Oh, well, whatever.
I was thinking of
giving it up anyway.
Too much salt.
Yes, good girl.
All right, Niles,
we can't panic.
I think I have a plan.
I like it.
We may have to bite the bullet
and buy retail.
Petyr's stuff is
much better quality.
Our friends will
notice the difference.
Not if we cut it with
what's left of the good stuff.
How much is there?
There's... Roz!
Oh, dear God!
This is going to
cost us a fortune.
What else can we do?
Uh, excuse me.
Would you happen to
know where we can get...
five pounds of Beluga caviar?
There's not that much
Beluga in all of Seattle.
Thank you.
What are we going to do?
All right, just give me
a chance to think, Niles.
Ah...
What was the name of the boat...
H.M.S. Bounty.
This isn't Trivial Pursuit!
Let me finish!
What was the name of the boat
that Petyr said he sailed on?
Caspian Queen.
Niles,
if we can find that boat,
perhaps we can get enough
caviar to solve our problem.
Roz.
Hey, what are you
guys doing here?
I think the question is,
what are you doing here?
You know, shopping... for stuff.
You're looking for
more caviar, aren't you?
Of course, I am,
you took all mine!
That was ours!
You know, Roz, I think you
may have a little problem.
You're the one with the problem.
Not me.
This is all your fault.
You made me try it.
Now I crave it!
I really hate you!
Now, Roz...
you know you don't mean that.
Now, come on.
Listen, it's just possible
that we may be able to get
some more from our old supplier.
Is that true? Yes.
Is he right?
I'm sorry I said I hate you.
Roz, Roz, it's all right. Are
you going to get it today?
I love you!
( phone ringing)
Oh, shoot.
( doorbell chimes)
( phone ringing)
Hello.
Ah, no, I'm sorry,
Frasier isn't here.
Sure, you can place an order.
Yes, let me transfer
you to that department.
Hi, Daph. Hello.
The postman gave me your mail.
Oh, thanks.
You ready to get stretched?
Oh, you mean we're
working out today?
We work out every day.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Oh, postcard from the bank.
Uh, "Dear Mr. Crane, we
apologize for the inconvenience.
"We have evaluated your request
and credited your account $80"!
There's no spaces.
I parked your car
in a loading zone.
No, no, no, just pull
around front and wait for me.
This won't take long.
You're sure? Yes.
And you better
get back to the car
before Eddie starts to panic.
Hi, how can I help you
make banking simpler?
I'll tell you how
you can help me.
I'm going to talk and
you're going to listen,
and you're going to
do exactly as I ask.
I think I should
go get a manager.
No, no managers.
But our policy is...
Now this is real simple,
and I know you can handle it.
Now what I want you to do is...
GUARD: Hold it
right there, Mister!
Mr. Crane, as the president of
the bank, I want to assure you
that it is not our policy
to draw firearms on customers
trying to make a deposit.
It wasn't a deposit.
Now, I'm sure that neither
of us wants to turn this
into a protracted legal battle,
so if you would simply sign
this non-disclosure agreement
here, here, here...
and here.
Our attorneys have authorized
me to compensate you
for your troubles in
the amount of $10,000,
which can be credited
to your account.
Ten grand?
Plus, the $40 from
our original mistake.
Oh, what the hell.
I just want to get it over with.
That's wonderful.
Now, is there anything
else I can do for you?
Could I open an account?
FRASIER: Ahoy!
Ahoy!
Is anyone here?
Who is there?
Oh, hello.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
And, uh, this is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane.
We're interested in
purchasing some Beluga caviar.
This is not a shop. I
have nothing for sale.
See? Let's go.
No, no, no, Niles, Niles...
This is how the game is played.
Maybe he thinks
we're Russian Mafia.
Oh, yes.
People make that mistake
about us all the time.
Petyr gave us this card,
and told us that this
was his cousin's boat.
Are you sure you can't help us?
( speaking Russian)
( laughing)
How much do you need?
Five pounds.
( speaking Russian)
$80 an ounce.
Well, we were paying $40.
And now you pay $80.
$50.
$80.
$60. $80.
I don't think you're
doing this right.
$70, that's my final offer.
$80. Done!
I want to taste it first.
Go ahead.
That's the stuff.
That's enough to
take care of everyone
and still go out on top!
Yes, all right,
here's your money.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
MAN (over PA): Stop
where you are! U.S. Customs!
U.S. Customs!
U.S. Customs. Oh, my God!
Frasier, we have
to get rid of it.
Oh, dear God!
Oh, dear God!
Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
All right, all right,
we have to hide it!
No, Niles, you can't hide it!
They're U.S. Customs!
That's what they do!
They find things on ships!
I know one way to get rid of it.
Can I get you a toast point?
Oh, here, for God's sakes!
What the hell's all this?
It's not ours, we found it.
What, the caviar?
Is that what this is?
Relax, we don't care about that.
We're looking for a
couple of Russians
who've been smuggling DVDs.
My heart is pounding.
I was afraid we were
going to get arrested.
What have we become?
I don't know.
We got caught up in
a nefarious scheme.
And for what?
A visit to a wine
country estate?
A box at the opera?
Dinner at the
Governor's Mansion?
How much of this do
you think we can salvage?
I don't know, just
start scraping.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughs)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again. ♪
Good night!
Oh, could you get
it, Niles, please?
They're so small,
they make me feel
like I'm some sort
of fairy tale giant.
Hey, any thoughts
about what to serve?
Well, I thought we might serve
a house-cured gravlax
with crème fraiche
and a sprig of dill.
Oh, in other words, the usual.
For your information, Niles,
people happen to like it.
Yes, people like
animated musicals.
Oh, honestly.
Frasier, look!
Caviar.
They haven't had any in ages.
This is just what we need
to make our soiree soignée.
( chuckles)
Good heavens.
It's $100 an ounce.
Well, it must be mismarked.
Excuse me, is the Beluga
really $100 an ounce?
( heavy French accent): Yes.
Well, isn't that
rather a lot to pay?
To you, yes.
To the fish who gave up
her life so you could spread
her unborn children
on a cracker,
it's not so much.
You know, the reason
for such high prices
is the Russian Mafia.
They control this market.
The Russian Mafia controls
Robert's Gourmet Goodies?
He means the caviar
market, you ninny.
MAN: Yes.
I have Beluga for sale.
Top quality, fair price.
The name is Petyr.
I recently arrived
on my cousin's ship,
the Caspian Queen, with
beautiful Beluga caviar.
But because of those
gangsters, we cannot sell.
So I do it like this.
Quietly.
How much you want?
How do we know this
isn't some sort of scam?
It's no scam.
Look inside.
You taste.
You really must try this, Niles.
It's like being kissed
by a lusty mermaid.
( chuckles)
So, you are interested, yes?
Maybe, but how can we
be sure that you are not
Russian Mafia yourself?
Because for six generations
my family fished the Caspian.
Then ten years ago,
the bastards come.
They burned my father's boat.
They steal my mother's salt
so she cannot prepare the roe.
And if they know I sell
Beluga for $40 an ounce,
they would cut out my
tongue and pluck out my eyes!
Did you say $40 an ounce?
Shouldn't our caviar
be here by now?
It will be here, Niles.
I gave Roz
explicit instructions.
What if we've been swindled?
What if the tins
are filled with sand?
Niles,
I am, as you know,
an excellent judge of character.
And in Petyr, I saw an
honest, hard-working fisherman.
Why didn't you have
him deliver it here?
What? I don't want him
knowing where I live.
( doorbell rings)
The Russian bear hunts by night.
Very funny, Roz, come on.
Give me that.
All right, let's have a look.
Oh.
Niles.
It's beautiful.
I don't get what the
big deal is about caviar.
I had it once, it
was nothing special.
Well, Roz, a lot of
things can affect caviar.
Where did you have it?
On a mini-bagel at
the Tucson Doubletree.
Try this.
Hmm.
Wow.
Mm-hmm?
That's good. Yes.
That's really good.
What's your little
party for tonight?
Invited guests.
I'm sorry, Roz.
What?
Thank you for your help.
See you later.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Check this out.
Just went to the ATM for $20,
as you can see from this
receipt, and it gave me $60.
I won 40 bucks.
You, you mean the bank lost $40.
Uh, yeah, that big, faceless
bank that charges me
$12 a month for my
checking account lost $40.
You know, you can't keep that.
It's bad karma.
Sorry, this is America.
A land built on the
principle "Finders Keepers."
Oh, come on.
There's a toll-free
service number
right here on the receipt.
Just call them and tell
them what happened.
Why should I?
Because otherwise,
you could end up
like my brother Nigel
and his baby teeth.
What happened with
your brother Nigel
and his baby teeth?
Well, like any child,
the first time he
had a tooth fall out,
he put in under his
pillow at bedtime,
and sure enough,
the next morning,
he found that Winston Churchill
had left him a shiny, new coin.
Question.
No, Dad, we're not stopping.
Go ahead, darling.
Well, instead of being grateful,
he got greedy and
went off to school,
punching people in their mouths
and scooping up their teeth.
Of course, it didn't work, and
he got kicked out of school,
became a thief, and
eventually went to prison.
Where he...
fittingly had all of
his teeth knocked out.
No, he lost his
teeth years earlier
in a rock-eating contest.
Now that's an interesting story.
We were renting a house
next to a quarry at the time...
All right, all right,
I'll call the bank!
Very kind of you to
have us here, Crane.
Yes, it's wonderful.
But then you must be used
to hosting successful parties.
Oh, not really.
Something's usually
on fire by now.
Oh, you're funny.
No, I'm serious.
Now, tell me.
How can we get our hands
on some of this fantastic caviar?
Well, I wish I could tell you,
but it's, uh...
a private source.
Well, perhaps I
should mention then,
that, uh, this is
for our yacht party,
at which there just might be
room enough for another guest.
Okay, what are we talking here?
Well, maybe five, six ounces?
Let me go see what's
in the refrigerator.
That a boy, Crane.
Niles, what are you doing?
Oh, good news.
Emile Sinclair is
crazy about the caviar.
If we sell him the rest,
he distinctly implied
he would get our squash lockers
moved further from the showers.
Isn't that fantastic?
Per-son-al.
It's, well, it would be, Niles,
if the Michaelses weren't
equally enamored of it,
and dangling an
invitation to a yacht party.
That is a pickle.
Check-ing.
FRASIER: Niles?
Why don't we just call Petyr,
and order some more caviar?
That way we can satisfy
both Sinclair and the Michaels.
Cus-to-mer Ser-vice.
Niles, this caviar connection
could really open
some doors for us.
Per-son-al!
What are you doing, Dad?
Oh, this stupid bank's
automatic voice system,
it's like a maze!
All right, give it here.
You just push "O"
and you'll get an operator.
It's a little trick I learned.
Another menu.
Sometimes it's a star.
All right, maybe "1" will
get me back to a main menu.
Ah.
Here you are.
Got me to the right department?
No, but if I remember my
high school Spanish correctly,
you just qualified for
a small business loan.
Hi, can I help you?
Yes, um, I was at one
of your ATMs yesterday,
and it gave me back more
than it should have, so I want...
Okay, for that you're
going to need to complete
an ATM trouble
report, and then take it
to our operations officer
at the desk over there.
You mean I have to fill this out
before I can give you 40 bucks?
Yes, sir.
But your sign says,
"Making banking simpler."
Yes, sir.
Well, this isn't simpler,
it's more complicated.
Yes, sir, it is.
Oh, forget it.
I knew this was going to be
more trouble than it was worth.
A little paperwork's
a small price to pay
for a clear conscience.
Yeah, meanwhile,
I'm out 40 bucks.
It's not your money.
Can I help you?
Yes, uh, I had some trouble
with one of your ATMs.
Oh, I can't help you.
I need a manager.
I'm proud of you.
Trust me, when this is
over, you'll feel better.
You really think so?
I'm sure of it.
Ah, maybe you're right.
Maybe I will feel better.
And if you're right
about that karma stuff,
I got a good thing coming to me.
Uh-oh.
How much money did
you put in the meter?
Oh, son of a bitch.
Hi, Mr. Crane, I'm
Bree, Todd's manager.
I wanted to apologize for the
trouble you had with our ATM.
And make sure that
you got your $40.
What? Uh, oh, no, no,
you don't need to
give anything to me.
You see, the machine
accidentally gave me $60
instead of $20, so I
need to give you $40.
So, you want to put
this in your account?
No, no, no.
I want you to take
it, plus this $40,
and put it back
wherever it came from.
Well, I'm afraid I've
already done the paperwork.
Now you'll have to speak
with our branch manager,
but he's out of town.
This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
Although, there is
one other possibility.
Let me try something.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Per-son-al.
Sandoval, four ounces. Right.
Smoot, five ounces. Right.
McBean, ten ounces.
Ten?
Yes, I know it's a lot,
but he promised me the
use of his Sonoma estate.
Yes, well, for ten, he should.
You know, for eight,
the Ashworths gave me
the use of their box at the
opera's opening night gala.
But that's the same weekend
as the Black and White ball.
When are we going to sleep?
Good Heavens.
Sleep is for people
without social lives.
( laughs)
So, boys, where's my cut?
Oh, what are you talking about?
I promised her a cut.
You see, I was so busy
at work taking orders
that I needed her help.
ROZ: You know what
it's really good on?
Scrambled eggs.
And pizza.
And potato skins...
Yes, Roz, welcome to caviar.
At work, during the show,
I'm just sitting there thinking
"Two hours to caviar."
"One hour to caviar."
You don't have
any on you, do you?
Uh, no, no.
We're expecting
some momentarily.
Cool.
You think it'd be good
on a cheese Danish?
I think it would.
I'm getting one.
Gentlemen. Oh, Petyr, hello.
Yes, hello, but I am
afraid also good-bye.
Hmm? What? What
do you mean good-bye?
All these orders I fill for you.
It draws too much attention.
It's too risky for me.
What are you saying?
That, that there's
no more caviar?
This is my last delivery.
But this isn't nearly enough.
We've made commitments
to some very powerful people.
If we disappoint them, there's
no telling what they might do.
They will break legs?
Cut off thumbs?
Worse, there'll be gossip.
Petyr, please, just
one more delivery.
I cannot, the
danger is too great.
Petyr!
Dear God.
We're ruined, Niles.
We owe people all over town.
I know.
Is some of that mine?
Can I have it now?
Roz, Roz, I'm terribly sorry.
It seems our supplier
is going out of business,
and every ounce
of this is spoken for.
Well, that's too bad.
Oh, well, whatever.
I was thinking of
giving it up anyway.
Too much salt.
Yes, good girl.
All right, Niles,
we can't panic.
I think I have a plan.
I like it.
We may have to bite the bullet
and buy retail.
Petyr's stuff is
much better quality.
Our friends will
notice the difference.
Not if we cut it with
what's left of the good stuff.
How much is there?
There's... Roz!
Oh, dear God!
This is going to
cost us a fortune.
What else can we do?
Uh, excuse me.
Would you happen to
know where we can get...
five pounds of Beluga caviar?
There's not that much
Beluga in all of Seattle.
Thank you.
What are we going to do?
All right, just give me
a chance to think, Niles.
Ah...
What was the name of the boat...
H.M.S. Bounty.
This isn't Trivial Pursuit!
Let me finish!
What was the name of the boat
that Petyr said he sailed on?
Caspian Queen.
Niles,
if we can find that boat,
perhaps we can get enough
caviar to solve our problem.
Roz.
Hey, what are you
guys doing here?
I think the question is,
what are you doing here?
You know, shopping... for stuff.
You're looking for
more caviar, aren't you?
Of course, I am,
you took all mine!
That was ours!
You know, Roz, I think you
may have a little problem.
You're the one with the problem.
Not me.
This is all your fault.
You made me try it.
Now I crave it!
I really hate you!
Now, Roz...
you know you don't mean that.
Now, come on.
Listen, it's just possible
that we may be able to get
some more from our old supplier.
Is that true? Yes.
Is he right?
I'm sorry I said I hate you.
Roz, Roz, it's all right. Are
you going to get it today?
I love you!
( phone ringing)
Oh, shoot.
( doorbell chimes)
( phone ringing)
Hello.
Ah, no, I'm sorry,
Frasier isn't here.
Sure, you can place an order.
Yes, let me transfer
you to that department.
Hi, Daph. Hello.
The postman gave me your mail.
Oh, thanks.
You ready to get stretched?
Oh, you mean we're
working out today?
We work out every day.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Oh, postcard from the bank.
Uh, "Dear Mr. Crane, we
apologize for the inconvenience.
"We have evaluated your request
and credited your account $80"!
There's no spaces.
I parked your car
in a loading zone.
No, no, no, just pull
around front and wait for me.
This won't take long.
You're sure? Yes.
And you better
get back to the car
before Eddie starts to panic.
Hi, how can I help you
make banking simpler?
I'll tell you how
you can help me.
I'm going to talk and
you're going to listen,
and you're going to
do exactly as I ask.
I think I should
go get a manager.
No, no managers.
But our policy is...
Now this is real simple,
and I know you can handle it.
Now what I want you to do is...
GUARD: Hold it
right there, Mister!
Mr. Crane, as the president of
the bank, I want to assure you
that it is not our policy
to draw firearms on customers
trying to make a deposit.
It wasn't a deposit.
Now, I'm sure that neither
of us wants to turn this
into a protracted legal battle,
so if you would simply sign
this non-disclosure agreement
here, here, here...
and here.
Our attorneys have authorized
me to compensate you
for your troubles in
the amount of $10,000,
which can be credited
to your account.
Ten grand?
Plus, the $40 from
our original mistake.
Oh, what the hell.
I just want to get it over with.
That's wonderful.
Now, is there anything
else I can do for you?
Could I open an account?
FRASIER: Ahoy!
Ahoy!
Is anyone here?
Who is there?
Oh, hello.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
And, uh, this is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane.
We're interested in
purchasing some Beluga caviar.
This is not a shop. I
have nothing for sale.
See? Let's go.
No, no, no, Niles, Niles...
This is how the game is played.
Maybe he thinks
we're Russian Mafia.
Oh, yes.
People make that mistake
about us all the time.
Petyr gave us this card,
and told us that this
was his cousin's boat.
Are you sure you can't help us?
( speaking Russian)
( laughing)
How much do you need?
Five pounds.
( speaking Russian)
$80 an ounce.
Well, we were paying $40.
And now you pay $80.
$50.
$80.
$60. $80.
I don't think you're
doing this right.
$70, that's my final offer.
$80. Done!
I want to taste it first.
Go ahead.
That's the stuff.
That's enough to
take care of everyone
and still go out on top!
Yes, all right,
here's your money.
Pleasure doing
business with you.
MAN (over PA): Stop
where you are! U.S. Customs!
U.S. Customs!
U.S. Customs. Oh, my God!
Frasier, we have
to get rid of it.
Oh, dear God!
Oh, dear God!
Oh, dear God! Oh, dear God!
All right, all right,
we have to hide it!
No, Niles, you can't hide it!
They're U.S. Customs!
That's what they do!
They find things on ships!
I know one way to get rid of it.
Can I get you a toast point?
Oh, here, for God's sakes!
What the hell's all this?
It's not ours, we found it.
What, the caviar?
Is that what this is?
Relax, we don't care about that.
We're looking for a
couple of Russians
who've been smuggling DVDs.
My heart is pounding.
I was afraid we were
going to get arrested.
What have we become?
I don't know.
We got caught up in
a nefarious scheme.
And for what?
A visit to a wine
country estate?
A box at the opera?
Dinner at the
Governor's Mansion?
How much of this do
you think we can salvage?
I don't know, just
start scraping.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Oh, my.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughs)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're calling again. ♪
Good night!