Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 16 - Fraternal Schwinns - full transcript

Gosh, it's been such fun

talking about
psychopharmacological solutions

to maladaptive
personality traits

that I can't believe the
three hours is almost gone.

Up next is the
news followed by...

Oh... Roz is reminding me

that next Saturday is the first
annual KACL AIDS Bike-a-thon.

It's bound to be an afternoon

of family, fun and
lots of surprises.

So dust off your velocipedes,
and I'll see you there.

Great pitch, Doc.



So what are the surprises?

Well, first and
foremost, I'm not going.

But you just told them
you'd see them there.

Roz, I'm merely getting
the rubes into the tent.

I will gladly give my money,

but spending the
afternoon riding bicycles

with a bunch of hooligans
is not my idea of fun.

It's just kids and families.

Yes, well, so was the
KACL family picnic at the zoo,

until those urchins jostled
me into the orangutan grove.

Let me tell you,

orangutans are not the
playful gentlemen of the trees

the nature shows claim.

Hello.



Hey, Julia.

You're going to the
Bike-a-thon, right?

Oh, don't embarrass her, Kenny.

It's got to be tough finding
a comfortable bike seat

when you're such a tight-ass.

This from a woman who
peddles her ass all over town.

Okay, lady... Yes,
all right. Stalemate.

Well done, well done,
keep moving, come on.

So, Bike-a-thon...
You're in, right?

Nah, I can't be bothered.

I'll just send a check.

Aw, cheese and rice, what's
wrong with you people?

Relax, Kenny, I'm
just pulling your leg.

How can I not go?

This is funding AIDS
research, for God's sake.

I know you think I'm heartless

and self-centered,

but at least give me
credit for being human.

Frasier's not going.

What?

Kenny... ( chuckles)

Come on.

I was pulling your leg, too.

( laughs): Come on.

I'll tell you what.

We should have a fund-raiser
for your sense of humor.

( guffaws)

All right, I'll see you there.

You're pathetic.

I know.

Hold it!

Cora, hi.

Marty.

Visiting your son?

Yes.

Cora, I'm sorry,
but I got to ask you.

What happened?

I thought we had
a pretty nice thing,

but then you stopped
returning my calls.

Why don't you ask
your other girlfriend?

What other girlfriend?

That bizarre English lady who
told me to leave you alone...

because she was in
the British Secret Service

and had a license to kill.

Here's your stop.

Oh, geez! That was
Daphne's mother.

She had a thing for me,
but it was never mutual.

Did she show you a badge?

Always ask to see a badge.

I knew she wasn't
a secret agent.

But she was pretty
convincing about the two of you.

Oh, Cora, I'm so sorry.

It's not true.

I'm sorry, too.

I should have asked about her.

Well, hey, it's cleared up now.

Maybe we could pick
up where we left off.

Or skip ahead. Your choice.

That would've been nice

but I've been seeing
someone lately.

Oh, well, sure. Of
course you have.

Stupid of me.

But I'm very glad
to see you again.

Please give Eddie my love.

Oh, yeah.

He'll be sorry he missed you.

He liked your ankles.

Oh, sorry for the holdup, guys.

Listen, I think it's best

if we take separate
cars to the flower show.

Later, I have to
go buy a bicycle.

NILES: For whom?

Well, for me.

I've been dragooned into riding
for the KACL AIDS Bike-a-thon.

Poor devil. Spending
a day on a bike.

I don't envy you.

DAPHNE: Niles...

why don't we enter
the Bike-a-thon.

You had to see that coming.

We can all go to the shop
together after the flower show.

Sure, why not?

You two would look so cute

on matching bicycles.

Well, I guess it would
be a kick, eh, Frasier?

Not you two, you nit.

You and Daphne.

You!

Hello.

I just had a very interesting

conversation with Cora Winston.

Seems someone claiming to
be my girlfriend scared her off.

Oh, dear.

Is she the woman
from the bookstore?

No.

The bookstore?!

Mum, is this true?

Well, I'm sure I don't know
what Marty's talking about

but it was probably back
when we were an item.

We were never an item!

Now I would like
for you to leave.

Now, Dad, calm down.

Listen, I'm sure you can
talk this over with Cora

and have a good laugh after it.

Ha, ha. Very funny.

Now that she's practically
married to this guy.

Oh, Martin, I'm sorry.

I guess I didn't realize...

Apology not accepted.

You went too far. We
are no longer speaking.

Marty... No, no, Mrs.
Moon, Mrs. Moon...

shut up.

Uh, Dad, we're leaving now.

We're going over
to the flower show,

then, after that, we're gonna go

to a sporting goods store
and buy a couple of bikes.

Nice try, Frasier, but
I'm too mad to laugh.

Uh, well, this one
has good lines.

You have any
without this bar here?

You mean girls' bikes? Sure.

Good. 'Cause my wife's a girl
and she'll need one of those.

Right.

Maybe I'll go see
how she's doing.

Niles, we can't
stall much longer.

I mean, one seems
as good as the next.

Is there anything else we need?

Hmm, let me see...
Oh, yes, I know.

We need to know
how to ride them!

Shh! Shh! Shh!

We will learn.

Oh, as easy as that?

Look at these machines, Frasier.

These are bicycles.

There's nothing between you
and the ground but the ground itself.

Yes.

And if a child of four can
ride one, then so can we.

That's what we said
when we were six.

If Daphne finds
out, she'll probably...

Metal spokes. I like that.

Guess you buy
the horn separately.

That was close.

Niles, I am not going
to look like an idiot

at that Bike-a-thon.

Tonight, I'm going
to a parking lot,

and come hell or high water,

I am going to master cycling.

You're welcome to join me.

I guess I could sneak out.

Perhaps it's time
to slay the dragon.

That's the stuff, brother.

Call me crazy, but
I like a bouncy tire.

Two bouncy tires
and a taut chain.

That's good ridin'.

Where did you learn all that?

That was really good.

It's a matter of
confidence, Niles.

Hmm!

( groans)

All a matter of
confidence, he says.

Well, perhaps two people
who don't know how to ride bikes

shouldn't try to
teach each other.

A good teacher doesn't
yell at his student.

Nor does a good teacher
throw a stick at his student.

I thought it would
make you try harder.

Oh, you're going to
make a hell of a dad.

What are we going to do?

Let's not panic.

We still have two days
before the Bike-a-thon.

Surely the library has
shelves devoted to this topic.

I don't have time for that.

Daphne wants to go
biking tomorrow afternoon.

Then you'll just have to tell
her you don't know how to ride.

I can't. It's too late.

If I was going to do that,

I should've done
it at the bike store.

But no...!

You...!

You said we could
teach ourselves.

You said no one
would be the wiser.

Niles... Two bouncy tires

and a taut chain, you said.

And now look!

My spokes are bent,
my pants are stuck,

there's blood on the headlight!

There's blood everywhere!

Niles, Niles, Niles.

Niles, that wasn't your fault.

That jogger should've been
wearing a reflective vest.

Come on... come and sit down.

I'm going to get
you a nice sherry.

Hi, Frasier. Oh, hi, Roz.

You're welcome to
join me and Niles.

Oh, I can't.

I'm on my way to meet
Alice and her sitter.

Alice wants to practice
riding her bicycle for Saturday.

Really? Mm-hmm.

She loves it.

She had that bike one day

before she made me
take her training wheels off.

Tell me, does she
ever find that she feels

as though her feet are
frozen to the pedals...

stuck in a confused,
arrhythmic battle

between forward and reverse,

until finally, with no locomotive
momentum whatsoever,

she keels over
like a felled tree?

I don't think so.

Oh, good, good,

because that's a real thing

that happens to some kids.

DAPHNE: Hey, Frasier.

Oh, hi, Daph. Mrs. Moon.

Niles, darling.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

NILES: What is it?

Someone stole our new bikes.

My God, are you sure?

Can I get a refill?

That's terrible.

That's curious, Niles.

Didn't that salesman say

that nothing could break
those titanium locks?

You're right.

I must not have
locked them properly.

Foolish Niles.

You know, I spotted
a couple of bikes

in the storage room
behind the furnace.

Perhaps you could borrow those.

No, I don't think so.

The theft has soured me
on the whole bike experience.

And what were you doing
behind the furnace, anyway?

Drinking.

Hello, Daphne, Niles, Frasier.

Hello, Martin.

How are the three of you doing?

Mind if I join you?

NILES: Sure.

Oh, you're not
still angry, are you?

Coffee, please.

Hi. Well, everybody's
here today.

Yeah.

Grab a seat.

I'd love to have a
lady sit next to me.

ROZ: Well, thanks. I can't.

I'm on my way to the park.

I just got a call
from the baby-sitter.

Alice did a wheelie!

( all exclaiming)

Well, I'll see you guys later.

That's great, Roz. Bye-bye.

Well, someone's raising
a real little showoff.

Now, now, not everyone
was meant to ride a bike.

What does that mean?

Well, I'm just
saying that my boys

are good at other things.

Indoor things.

Oh, no.

You don't mean...

Yes, Daphne.

Frasier doesn't know
how to ride a bike.

Well, neither do you!

Frasier!

Well, she was bound to find out!

We never learned.

I tried teaching them,

but I had to take them to
the hospital so many times,

Social Services
started sniffing around.

All these years, it's
been our secret shame.

Yes, and it hasn't been
easy concealing it, either.

People are always
saying, in conversation,

"It's just like riding a bike."

I can smile and nod...

but I only understand
it in theory.

We tried to teach
ourselves to ride last night.

Oh, can you imagine
a sadder tableau?

Two grown men
trying to gain mastery

over a child's toy

and failing miserably.

Even more pathetic,

a grown man faking the theft

of his and his wife's bicycles.

I disgust myself!

I'm so sorry, Daphne.

Niles, you've no
need to apologize.

Lots of people don't
know how to ride.

Really?

Who?

It doesn't matter.

I can take you to the
park and teach you.

I'll teach you both.

Yeah. Really, Daphne?

Daphne, I adore you!

No, seriously. Who?

Thank you, Daphne.

You know, I'm afraid my bike

may be too damaged to ride.

Oh, so we'll borrow one
from someone in the building.

I promise you,

you two are going to
learn how to ride bikes.

MARTIN: You're a
good wife, Daphne.

And I'll bet you
were a good daughter

when your mother was alive.

Helmet.

Check.

Pads.

Check.

Cup.

Check.

All right, now, remember,
keep your eyes open

and pedal quickly.

I just want to get an idea

of your individual skill levels.

DAPHNE: All right,
everyone ready,

and... go!

Okay... good start.

Now, let's try again.

But this time further apart.

Okay.

I-I think... this is
going to be all right.

Yeah, yeah, this isn't so bad.

DAPHNE: All right,

and... go.

Yes, very... yes!

( Niles screams)

( bikes clattering)

FRASIER: Ow!

( classical music playing)

♪ ♪

It's that damn sycamore.

It's got a magnetic hold on me.

That's because
you're focusing on it.

Whatever you do,
put it out of your mind.

The more you think
about it, the worse it gets.

You're a cloud scudding
across a clear blue sky.

I'm a cloud. You're a cloud.

I'm a cloud. You're a cloud.

I'm a cloud... I'm a cloud...

I am a cloud! I'm flying!

Look, I'm riding a bike!

( bell rings)

( doorbell rings)

( doorbell rings)

I heard you. I'm coming.

Hello.

( loud knocking)

Oh, geez.

Look, I'm sorry,
I'm still ticked.

I'm not proud of it, but I
have to do the right thing,

and that means hold this grudge.

Ha! You're talking to me.

I knew you would.

Oh, you're here to see Marty?

Actually, I think not.

No, no, this isn't
what it looks like.

I'm here to apologize.

But since he's
not talking to me,

I guess I can say
my piece to you.

Now, first of all,
don't be scared.

I'm not a secret agent

and I don't have
a license to kill.

Back when I said
all that to you,

I wasn't really in my
right mind, anyway.

I mean, I'd just separated
from my husband,

and well, maybe I hoped Marty

would be some kind of
knight in shining armor.

But we were never
a couple, though.

It was a pretty
rotten thing you did.

Yes, I know, dear.

Just awful.

In my defense, I've
done much worse.

And besides, between you
and the girl at the bookstore,

I liked you better.

( doorbell ringing)

Son of a bitch.

Cora.

Hi. Come on in.

Hi.

I ran into a friend of yours.

She's no friend of mine.

Well, she had some nice
things to say about you.

Maybe we could talk about it

at dinner tomorrow.

I thought you were
seeing someone.

I don't see him here.

I guess not.

Pick you up at 7:00?

7:00 it is.

So, uh, who's this girl
from the bookstore?

See you tomorrow.

Never thought I'd see the day.

This is really something.

That's right.

You've faced your fears

and you've bested them.

Yeah, thanks to you.

And who knows, maybe
this is just the beginning.

There are still
mountains to conquer.

The diving board, for instance.

Or cartwheels.

Be careful out there, son.

I will, Dad. Thanks.

Guess I better go
take my place, huh?

Okay. All right.

Kenny, Julia.

Hey, Doc. Hi.

Have a good ride.

Not gonna happen.

These shorts are already
bunching me something fierce.

Excuse me.

Pretty exciting.

Thrilling.

You don't mind if we
don't ride together, do you?

I like to go at my own pace.

No, not at all.

You don't have to feel
like you have to keep up.

( chuckles)

Right. Well, what do you
say we make it interesting?

What do you have in mind?

Last one to cross
the finish line

doubles the other's pledges.

You're on.

And I look forward to watching
you write that big fat check.

NILES: Frasier.

Remember, keep
your eye on the road

and don't fixate on
anything you can crash into.

Right.

Good luck.

( starting gun fires)

Boy, I hope I can steer around

that big mailbox right there.

Ciao.

Frasier?

Are you okay?

I'll be all right.

Why don't you guys go on ahead.

I'll catch up to you.

Okay.

Oh, Lord.

Pardon me. Beep, beep.

( nervous laughter)

Oh... oh, gosh... oh...

Oh, no, no... Oh, dear God!

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night, everybody!