Frasier (1993–2004): Season 10, Episode 15 - Trophy Girlfriend - full transcript

Ooh, Niles, sorry I'm late.

Did you sign us up?

Frasier, I've been thinking.

How many years have we teamed
up for the squash tournament

only to be eliminated
in the second round?

Nine.

Exactly.

Don't you think

it's time we came up
with a new strategy?

Niles, if you're talking
about taking that powder

that's made from sheep's glands,



the answer is never again.

Well, actually, I was thinking
of something more fundamental.

It occurs to me that
after nine years...

Shh-shh, Niles, here comes
that two-faced braggart, Jim Blake.

Jim, looking good.

Thanks, Frasier, thanks.

So, you signed up
for the tournament?

Uh, I don't know.

Have we, partner?

Awesome, awesome.

Let's do it.

I'll see you on the court, bro.

It's not what it looks like.

It's exactly what it looks like.



You've teamed up with someone
younger and in better shape.

No, Frasier, you
know I don't care

about such superficial things.

You know, that Jim is bad news.

He struts around here

in those ridiculous
looking Swedish goggles

that everybody
thinks are so cool.

Jim...

You know, I just wish
you'd told me sooner

instead of waiting
until the last minute.

Does Jim know you're
passive-aggressive?

Believe me, neither Jim
nor I expected this to happen.

Our games just meshed.

We would've teamed up sooner

but the timing was never right.

Either Jim was with
a squash partner

or I was playing with you...

Fine, go, just go, go,
go to your new partner.

I don't care. Who needs you?

Niles...

Don't forget to wear
your wrist brace.

You know how easily you sprain.

Hi... Frasier.

Chelsea Gray.

We met a few
months ago. Oh.. yes!

You were kicking the
Gatorade machine.

Of course, I remember.

I had inserted my dollar bill

with Washington's face
up, as per the diagram,

and was vended nothing.

Did you ever write that letter?

Indeed, I did.

The matter still pends.

Ah.

So did you sign up
for the tournament?

Well, I was going to, but, uh...

I just found out my
customary partner

has made other plans this year.

Well, would you be interested
in playing mixed doubles?

I'm a girls' PE teacher

so it'd be nice to play
with a guy for a change.

Thanks for the offer, but after
what I've just been through,

I'm not sure I'm ready
to partner up again.

That's too bad.

I've seen you play.

We'd make a good team.

You already resorting to
playing with the girls, Frasier?

( chuckles): No
offense, sweetie.

( clicks tongue)

Excuse me.

( screeches): Ow!

Nice shot, partner.

Here we are.

Hello, all. Hi.

You'll never guess who just
won their squash tournament.

If only we had
a big, shiny clue.

MARTIN: Oh, hey,
that's great news.

Congratulations.

Well, I owe it
all to my partner.

Oh, thank you, partner.

But I think it's really
due to our partnership.

Aha, well...

now you know what they
say, there's no "I" in "team."

Like there is in "Niles."

FRASIER: So here, Dad...

check it out.

Wow, would you look at that.

I didn't think I'd
ever see the day

one of my boys
would win a trophy

that didn't have a book on it.

Now all that's left on my list

is shake hands with Hank Aaron,
kiss Sally Field on the mouth

and then I can go on
and be with your mother.

You know, Jim and I may
have our own trophy soon.

We're still alive in the
men's doubles bracket.

Oh, please, Niles,

your partner couldn't
be carrying you any more

if he put you in a Snugli

and strapped you to his stomach.

Well, I'm proud of both of you.

And squash might not
be the toughest of sports

but it's still
technically a sport.

CHELSEA: What?

Squash can be pretty tough.

Ha. Oh, no, n-no, no.

I once saw a guy break his
leg in a mid-court collision.

The bone was
poking through his skin

and he still finished the point.

That's the game you guys play?

Hell, yeah.

CHELSEA: Frasier...

do you mind if I use your phone?

No, of course not.

Come use the one
in the other room.

That'll give you some privacy.

After you, my lady.

You know, Dad, when
Jim and I win our trophies,

I think I'm going
to give mine to you.

Thank you, son.

But I don't want you
moping around here

if your brother wins
one and you don't.

Oh, please, Dad, I'm a
little more mature than that.

No, you're not.

It still bugs you that his name
comes first alphabetically.

Well, that was your fault.

Your girlfriend seems nice.

She is nice, but she's
certainly not my girlfriend.

I do find her attractive, but...

I'm not sure I'm anything
more than a teammate to her.

Well, from what I've seen,
I'd say she likes you a lot.

Really?

She did kiss me once.

But I think that was just
in an overflow of emotion

after one of our victories.

You know, I suppose that
happens all the time on sports teams.

It doesn't.

Of course, I can't speak
for the Canadian leagues.

Well, truth be told,
now that there's not

the excitement of the
tournament to fuel the fires...

I don't think we really
have much in common

in the real world.

You have your
ostentatious trophies.

Well, it was good seeing
you all, but I have to get going.

Oh, so soon? You just got here.

I have an early faculty meeting.

FRASIER: I'll walk you out.

MARTIN: Come back!

DAPHNE: Bye-bye.

Bye. Bye. Congratulations.

Well, I, uh...

I certainly had a great
time the last few weeks.

Yeah, me, too.

Call me again, if you
want to play sometime.

I don't suppose you'd want
to take this to the next level?

Oh, I gave up my dream of
professional squash years ago.

That's not what I meant.

Um... maybe I could think
of another way to put it.

Oh, hi, Daph.

Hey, I didn't expect
to see you here.

Niles said you were
going out with Chelsea.

Oh, yes, yes... I just
thought I'd stop by

for a quick pick-me-up
before I pick her up.

Does she laugh
at that kind of stuff?

You know, she does.

Hold on to this
one. I intend to.

Uh, espresso, please.

You know, every day I learn
something new about her.

She enjoys reading
poetry in the bath.

She's an excellent cook.

It's like she's the
perfect girl for me.

Well, I think you
make a lovely couple.

Even though Niles can't believe
you're dating a gym teacher.

He says it's a betrayal
of your younger selves.

It's perfectly understandable.

We didn't have much luck with
gym teachers when we were kids.

They were always so
derisive and ego-crippling.

There was this one in
particular, Coach Fuller...

he was the worst.

The kind of man that would
make the whole class wait

while you did your push-up.

It was just so traumatizing,

I would actually lose my
lunch before gym period.

Except on those days when
my lunch money was stolen.

Then I'd just dry heave.

Niles has tons
of stories like that.

You know...

perhaps getting to know Chelsea

will help Niles to exorcise his
demons and put them behind him.

He's running out
of room back there.

Hey, Roz. Hey, Daphne.

Hey, Frasier. Hi, Roz.

You all right?

I was fine until I saw
Julia in the parking lot.

Why does she have to come here?

For God's sakes, Roz.

I'm a little tired of hearing you
complain about Julia all the time.

Why don't you just
give her a chance?

How about her?

I have been working
with her for over a month

and she shows me no respect.

She's mean and arrogant,
but not in a funny way, like you.

Could I have a latte, please?

The woman took a
portion of my show

to do her financial drivel.

You don't hear me
complaining about it all the time.

Now enough is enough.

Julia...

why don't you come and join us?

Oh, all right.

Thank you.

Hello, Frasier.

Well, isn't this nice?

All right, it's come
to my attention

that there is some tension
between the two of you.

Now, as it is entirely possible

that we will be spending

a great deal of time together,

I think it's important
that we establish

an environment
of mutual respect.

To that end,

as it is impossible
for the two of you

to communicate at all,

it's time for me to roll up
my sleeves and facilitate.

Finding some common
ground would be the first step.

Perhaps a love of
plants, the seed...

You sure love to
hear yourself talk.

And it's impossible
to tune him out.

How can you stand it?

The key is to know
when to say "uh-huh."

FRASIER: Fine, fine, all right.

If I am your common
ground, so be it.

Please feel free
to tread upon me.

Uh-huh.

The important thing
is that you're talking.

Communication...

Just go.

Okay, he's gone.

CHELSEA: Slowly.

Oh.

Be with you in a minute.

You can wait in my office.

( claps): Very nice. Nice.

All right, concentrate.

There we go! Good!

"Please excuse my
daughter Ruby from PE."

CHELSEA: Concentrate!

"She has a
'delibitating' disease."

Nice try, Ruby.

( whistle blows)

Okay, who didn't climb rope yet?

Campbell, you're up.

Oh, I'd forgotten how it felt

to sneak a kiss in school.

It always looked like fun.

So I'll be finished
here in a second

and then we can
go. Great, great.

I thought we'd try
this new place I just...

( blows)

Campbell, you're
not even trying.

( sighs)

Sorry. You were saying?

Yeah, I read a great
review of this new restaurant.

Apparently the chef is from...

( bell rings, whistle blows)

No one is leaving until
Campbell climbs the rope!

Excuse me for a moment.

( blows)

Come on!

You can sleep through English.

Toughen up, you can do it.

Let's go, Campbell!

Everybody's waiting.

COACH FULLER: Come on, Crane!

Nobody is going home

until you haul that fat
bucket of lard to the top.

( cries): I can't.

I can't.

Just give me a few minutes
and I'll be ready to go.

Oh, I just need
you to do one thing.

Drop and give me 20, Crane.

I beg your pardon?

Could you just round
up the basketballs

and put them in
the rack over there?

Thanks.

( whistle blows)

Frasier, Niles has something

he needs to tell you.

Go on, tell him.

I'm sick of hearing
you complain.

I made a mistake
partnering with Jim.

Our styles never really
meshed, which wasn't my fault,

but that didn't stop him

from losing his
temper during a match,

and he yelled at me.

With you, it was different.

You brought honor to the game.

Rejoin me, Frasier,

and together we can
rekindle the magic.

Please take him back.

I cannot listen to another
draft of this speech.

I'll see you at home, sweetie.

Thanks, hon.

Niles, I'll gladly
re-team with you.

Just like that?

I expected you to gloat
and rub it in, make me suffer.

Don't you care?

Oh, my apologies, Niles.

It's just that I'm a little
distracted about something

that happened yesterday
at Chelsea's school.

I'm sorry, but
that reminds me...

Chelsea sent me
the sweetest gift

after Jim and I were
eliminated from the tournament.

It's an actual squash with
a smiley face drawn on it.

That's cute.

You know, when you
first started dating her,

I couldn't get past the fact
that she was a gym teacher.

But she's proven to be
nothing like I expected.

Kudos to you.

Well, not sure I
deserve such praise.

No, no, don't be
so modest, Frasier.

You truly have a gift

for seeing the inner
beauty in a person.

I do try.

Speak of the devil.

Here's Dad and Chelsea now.

MARTIN: Hey, guys.

Look who I ran into.

NILES: Hello, Dad.

Hi, Chelsea.

Niles.

Hello, sweetie.

NILES: That's a lovely outfit.

Really?

You think so, huh?

I thought it might
be a little racy,

but then I thought,
what the hell.

What do you think, Frasier?

Oh, it's very... very becoming.

CHELSEA: Thank you.

Just let me grab a drink
and we'll be ready to go.

I usually stay out of
your love affairs, son,

but you've got a good one here.

Definitely a keeper.

Yes, and might I add...

And excuse my gutter
speak... Hubba, hubba.

Back to our best behavior.

There's a lady present.

I'm ready, sweetie.

"Love is a smoke raised
from the fume of sighs,

being purged, a fire
sparkling in lovers' eyes..."

You all right?

What?

I'm fine.

CHELSEA: All right, good.

"I am a vessel,

"come tenderly and fill me

with the nectar of your love."

So I figure since
you're the financial guru,

you could help me out.

Now obviously, I don't
want to get involved in

some get-rich-quick scheme,

but I do need to make
a lot of money really fast.

So what do you got?

I don't like to talk about work

when I'm outside the office.

Oh.

Thank you.

Right. Me neither.

Hey, there's Roz.

Hey, Roz, come join us.

I don't think so.

No, no, no, I won't
take no for an answer.

Now you sit down.

Hi, Julia.

Roz.

Well, I know girl talk
when I hear it. Bye.

I'll go this time.

Thanks.

You know, maybe
Frasier was right.

Would it kill us to make
some effort to be civil?

I guess not.

Thanks.

So...

Your show was good today.

Yes, it was.

And...

and your producing
was top-notch.

Thanks.

Sugar?

Please.

Well, this isn't so bad.

No, it's not.

Maybe we just got
off on the wrong foot.

Well, when you first started,

I just thought you
were kind of a bitch

for ordering everyone around.

That's totally my fault.

I have a tendency
to be patronizing

to entry-level employees.

Well, you know, I was going
to say something earlier,

but when I heard
your first show,

I figured you
wouldn't be here long.

Well, you certainly made
an impression on me.

I remember, I kept thinking,

"Who did she sleep
with to get this job?"

And then I found out.

Everybody.

That's a good one.

( chuckling)

You know, there's a
plunger in the bathroom.

What do you say we
go look for your career?

Great.

While we're in there, I
can get your phone number.

Don't bother.

It's 1-800-BITE ME.

Bite me? That's the
best that you've got?

Oh, I could spend half
an hour on your hair.

Well, you should have spent
a half an hour on your hair.

Oh, really?

It's closing time, ladies.

I'm afraid you'll have to leave.

But we're just warming up.

You know, there's a
place down the street

that is open all night.

Just like your mouth?

Just like your legs.

Hey, wait up.

So, we're just going
to go to sleep, huh?

I'm really tired.

You sure you don't
want to watch TV

or get something to eat?

No.

I know someone who's ticklish.

No, stop, stop, stop!

Okay, Frasier, you've
been acting weird all day.

What's going on?

Well, it's a little complicated.

What is?

Is there a problem?

Yes, Chelsea, there is.

It disturbed me yesterday

when I saw you yelling at
that little girl on the rope.

I couldn't believe
how harsh you were.

And you may not realize it,

but that can have a
crippling effect on a child.

What?!

I didn't think I was
being excessively harsh.

I was just trying
to motivate her.

Yes, well, the way
you were shouting,

it was hard to tell.

And when you're a
child, all you know is

you're being singled out.

I have no right to tell
you how to do your job.

It's, uh... it's my
problem, not yours.

No, no.

You may have a point.

Maybe... I do push too hard.

Sometimes I forget

just how fragile kids can be.

Really?

You agree with me?

Yes, I do.

Thank you, Frasier.

It's sweet of you
to care so much.

Well, you're worth caring about.

Now, come on.

Let's go have a
nice, romantic dinner.

Okay, all right.

Let me just go get ready.

You know, when I
heard you shouting

at that little girl today,

I swear, it just brought
back a flood of memories

from my own childhood.

Really? Oh, yeah.

You know, my gym teacher

was constantly yelling at me

because I couldn't
do a single pull-up

or a lap

around the track.

Not even one?

Oh, please.

I was a very late bloomer.

I could barely do a jumping jack

without getting a nosebleed.

And let's not
begin to talk about

the climbing rope.

There we go, all done.

Well...

What do you say I get us
a table at Petite Auberge?

They do an excellent veal chop.

Okay.

After you, milady.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-calling ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my! ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughs)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're calling again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!