Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 9 - Selling Out - full transcript

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MAN: Well, I had
a really good year.

I decided, hey, why
not reward myself?

So I bought what
I really wanted...

A 48-foot cabin cruiser.

Know how much it cost me?

I'll tell you how
much it cost me...

300 grand... not to mention

the 20 thou for the
custom teak decking.

Now, here's my problem.

The wife wants to call this
incredible vessel Lullubelle



after her mother. Lullubelle!

So I say, "No. We
call it the Intrepid."

So what do you think
it should be called?

Lullubelle or the Intrepid?

Roger, at Cornell University

they have an incredible
piece of scientific equipment

known as the tunneling
electron microscope.

Now, this microscope
is so powerful

that by firing electrons

you can actually see
images of the atom...

The infinitesimally minute
building block of our universe.

Roger, if I were using
that microscope right now

I still wouldn't be able

to locate my interest
in your problem.



Thank you for your call.

And now, hungry
for Chinese tonight?

I always...

I'm sorry, just a...

we're experiencing
technical difficulty.

Let's go to a prerecorded
commercial message.

Roz, why did you hand me this?

I don't do personal
endorsements.

What is the big deal?

All the other
personalities do them.

The other personalities

aren't doctors.

If I allow myself to become
a common pitchman

I'll lose all my credibility.

I am a wise man... a shaman.

Zip up your fly, wise man.

Whoa, Doc! This is a radio
studio, not a bus terminal.

Look who's here,
Roz... Noel Coward.

Listen, Bulldog, I hate to
mix business with revulsion

but Frasier, as usual

will not do this promo.

Love to.

I need it done now.

No problem.

Doc, Doc, with all due respect

you're an idiot.

These promos are easy money.

The money is irrelevant.

It's a question of integrity.

Integrity.

Hello!

We're talking mucho dinero.

But, hey, the more
you turn these down

the more liver
snaps for the Bulldog.

( barks)

What is this with my
name on it here, Roz?

Oh, that's the contract
for the Hunan Palace gig.

That's how much they
were going to pay you.

Wow. I guess I need

to have them change the
name on here to "Bulldog."

They pay you that much
money just to read some copy?

Yeah. Of course, Bulldog
usually adds his own special touch.

( gong)

( in Chinese accent:) Oh! So
you will come... chop, chop...

To Hunan Palace, where
Peking duck is always extra crispy.

( duck whistle quacks)

We're going to get
sued this time, for sure.

Damn it!

I just put a dent
in my front bumper

when I pulled into
my parking space.

Does anybody know what
happened to that tennis ball

I hung over my space so
I wouldn't pull up too far?

He was bored.

He needed a toy.

Hey, go ahead and throw it.

He'll run and get it for you.

He didn't think that was funny

and he knows where you sleep.

Dad, Daphne, a situation
has arisen over at work

and I'm not sure how
it should be handled.

I was hoping maybe
your objective viewpoint

could be helpful.

Sure. Shoot.

What would you think
if I did a commercial

and publicly endorsed a product?

Oh, you mean like Cher does?

Thank you, Daphne. One against.

Dad?

What's the product?

Well, the station wanted
me to do a commercial

for a Chinese restaurant.

What's the problem?

Well, I hold a position
of trust in this community

and people do
what I tell them to

and I would hate to be
accused of abusing that position.

The thought of a doctor

selling things is kind
of distasteful, isn't it?

What about Dr. Sneezy's
cold medicine?

Dr. Sneezy is a
cartoon character.

The fact that he's a
giant purple hippopotamus

probably should
have tipped you off.

I say take the money and run.

Well, you know, I'm tempted

if for no other reason

than to keep Bulldog
from further alienating

the Asian-American community.

I just want to make sure

that I don't compromise
my principles.

DAPHNE: Dr. Crane

you've dedicated your life

to helping people, haven't you?

Well, yes.

Well, suppose
one of your listeners

was in a quandary

over where to buy
good Chinese food?

Wouldn't your commercial
be helping them?

Look, why don't

you just go down there.

If you like the food,
do the commercial.

If you don't, don't.

I suppose that's
the logical approach.

Why don't the three
of us go tonight?

I'll make a call.

Oh, I better make
the reservations

under a different name.

I don't want any special
treatment, you know.

I just want to be treated

like I'm just an
average working joe.

Good evening. Yes, yes.

We'd like a reservation for
three this evening at 8:00.

Oh, nothing till 10:00? Oh.

Well, then, uh...

this is Dr. Frasier Crane...

from the radio, and...

Yes, I thought you might.

Thank you.

We're in at 9:45.

Did I say tasty?

Tasty doesn't do justice to
those succulent pot stickers.

And the kung pao chicken.

Ooh! Don't get me started.

So if you've got a
yen for Chinese tonight

hurry on down to
the Hunan Palace.

Well, that's it for today.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane

hoping we'll see you
tomorrow on KACL 780 AM.

You know, Roz, I think

I'm getting the knack
for doing these promos.

Did you hear that
little ad lib I made

about the "yen"
for Chinese food?

Yeah.

By the way, yen is
Japanese, not Chinese.

Did I tell you I got a call

from the owners of the
Hunan Palace the other day.

They said that. since I started
doing these commercials

their business has
gone up by 30%.

Isn't that what advertising
is supposed to do?

Yes, it is, Miss Sour Britches.

Give me a little credit.

My God, I please
the boys upstairs

I've gotten perfect strangers
to try a new restaurant

and, most importantly

I've helped a struggling
immigrant family

who came to these
shores a mere 12 years ago

with little more than a dream,
a few recipes and a wok.

Dr. Crane, what
a privilege this is.

Excuse me?

Bebe Glazer. I'm
Bulldog Brisco's agent.

Ah. Oh, well,
pleasure meeting you.

Listen. I'm not
usually this forward

but I'm going to come
right out and say it...

I've done some research, and I
know you're not represented by anyone.

How would you feel about
signing on with me as a client?

If your answer is no, it
won't hurt my feelings.

I really don't think so.

Why?

It's not that I'm not
flattered, Ms. Glazer.

But, you see, I'm not really
a radio personality, per se.

Oh, come on, Dr. Crane.

I've heard those
spots you've done

for that Chinese restaurant.

You make me want to
stuff my face full of egg rolls

and... I don't know what.

Thank you.

But I... you see

I dine at the Hunan
Palace frequently

and that's the only reason

I did those commercials.

The last thing I
would ever you to do

is advertise something
you don't believe in.

I am an agent, not a pimp.

Well, I don't mean to offend...

Are you kidding?
You're terrific.

You can't offend me.

Let me just leave
you with my card.

I really don't think
that's necessary.

Give me back my card.

I will not let you call me.

It is too refreshing
to meet someone

who isn't seduced
by the almighty dollar.

I would refuse your call.

I've got to go...
Flying to Palo Alto.

My daughter's at Stanford.

Ah.

Wait.

You don't have kids, do you?

Oh, yes. I have a
five-year-old son.

Lucky you. You won't have
to worry about it for years.

Worry about what?

Tuition, innocent.

Ah, wait, I see.

You're going to send
him to a state college.

No. No. I had
planned to send him

to my alma mater... Harvard.

Ouch.

Kiss it and make it better.

Have you seen Business
Week's projections

for college costs the year 2010?

( silent scream)

I've got to go.

That plane is not going
to wait for little Bebe.

You know, maybe we
should talk sometime.

Let's talk now.

I think I can die peacefully

without seeing the first half

of the Stanford-Cal game.

You see, it's not that I
object to doing commercials.

It's just that I would
have to try a product first

before I could endorse it.

Dr. Crane, I wouldn't
have it any other way.

( bubbling)

Tell me again why I'm here.

Because, if I do the commercial

I have to say that my
friends and family enjoy this

and I won't say
it unless it's true.

I feel kind of silly sitting
here in the showroom.

I apologize for that

but it's the best
place to try one.

So tell me the truth.

Aren't you two enjoying this?

Well, I do like the bubbles.

It's a little like sitting
in hot champagne.

Not that I've done
that very much.

Dad, did you know
that this unit is made

from the same heat-resistant,
space-age polymer

that's used on the
NASA space shuttles.

Great. Next time I'm reentering
the earth's atmosphere

in a hot tub, I
won't have to worry.

Well, do you like it?

I have to admit, it's making
my hip feel a little better.

That's all I needed to hear.

My friends like it, my
family likes it, I like it.

I can do the commercial

and Frederick can go to Harvard.

Oh, my God, isn't that Dave
Hendler from our building?

You know, he's the head

of the Seattle
Psychiatric Association.

That's not Dave Hendler.

Shh! Don't worry about it.

Enjoy the quiet while you can.

FRASIER: Gentle
bubbles, soothing bubbles

bubbles that will
ease your aching body.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

In these pressure-packed
times, what could be better

than a warm, relaxing
dip in a Redwood hot tub?

Let Redwood's patented
"ultra-blow" air system

surround your body.

My family and friends like it...

That's us.

And you'll like it, too.

And, if you act quickly

you'll receive a
complimentary scum guard.

So hurry down to your
local redwood hot tub dealer.

Say Frasier Crane sent you.

Well, what did you think?

I could almost
smell the chlorine.

Dad, how about you?

I liked it.

Really?

Yeah, I liked it.

You really, really liked it?

No. I liked it.

Well, what was wrong with it?

Nothing!

You hated it, didn't you?

Yeah. Good night, Frasier.

( doorbell rings)

Hello, darling.

Bebe.

Mea culpa for dropping
by unannounced

but you are going to kiss me

when you hear what
I've done for you.

Oh...

Hello.

FRASIER: No, no. Hi.

No, no. Bebe, this
is Daphne Moon

my father's physical therapist.

Oh!

( laughs)

So, I believe I was about
to kiss you for something.

Well, today, I got

a very attractive offer for you

to be a product spokesman.

And we know they're serious

because it's pay or play.

Ooh! That's the best kind.

You get your money
whether you do it or not.

Well, listen to this one.

How do you know that?

Well, I must confess.

There is a chapter of my life

I haven't told you
or your father about.

Back when I was 12, I starred
in a television show in England.

Well, I'll leave you
to your business.

Daphne, Daphne,
just get back here.

You what?

I starred in a TV series.

It was quite popular in its day.

Maybe you've heard of it?

Mind Your Knickers?

It was about a group

of high-spirited, ethnically
diverse 12-year-olds

in a girls' private
boarding school.

I played Emma...
The short, spunky one.

Of course, by the
end of the series

I was 16, five foot ten

and they had my boozies
bound up tighter than a mummy.

Well, I'm off.

The woman is like an artichoke.

You just keep peeling away
one astounding leaf after another.

Well, anyway, back to business.

What have you got for me?

Voila! Emery's nuts.

Oh, dear.

No, I can't endorse these.

Why not?

Well, for one thing,
I don't like them.

They're 60% fat,
they're laced with salt

and they wreak havoc
with my diverticulitis.

Of course they do. They're nuts.

I'm sorry. Afraid I can't.

Well...

then I will just tell them

that they can take
their five-figure deal

and find someone else.

Five figures.

Didn't I mention, precious?

This is for television...
The big kahuna.

Television.

But I understand if
you... have a problem.

Well, I... I...

I don't mean to be difficult.

I do have my
standards, you know,

I only endorse
things that I like

or that I think are
therapeutic, like the hot tubs.

Let me pinch you.

You're not real!

Well...

But still, I... I wonder

if you're not being just
the tiniest bit shortsighted.

Research has shown that a
single television commercial

can turn an obscure
radio personality

into a national celebrity.

A year from now

someone like you
could be broadcasting

your message of hope and healing

not just to the
Pacific Northwest

but to the entire nation.

But, of course

there's not much
I can do about it

if you don't like the product.

Mmm!

FRASIER: You know, I've never
been 100% happy with my nose.

You can't be serious.

That's a nose people trust.

Oh.

Finally, your script.

Thanks, Jeff.

I've seen it already.

You're going to love it.

Two nuts are arguing
with each other.

That's cute.

"I'm a nut."

"No, I'm a nut."

That's funny.

Uh...

"Hold it.

"You're both nuts.

"I'm Dr. Frasier Crane,
noted psychiatrist

and I know a nut
when I see one."

Hmm. I don't know
about that line.

Oh...

what's wrong?

It's a scream.

It may be a
scream, but it's, uh...

What's the word I'm looking for?

What? Tuition!

Retirement beach house?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It's just that I want
so much for you.

Bebe, I don't want to get a
reputation for being difficult

but I'm just not
comfortable with this line.

Frasier, Frasier, Frasier.

How long have we been together?

Six days.

Do you think I would ever

have you do something

that you were
uncomfortable with?

What makes this so wonderful

is that you're
spoofing yourself.

You're showing that
psychiatrists can be loose.

You're making shrinks more
accessible to the average person.

So what you're saying is

that I would be doing
psychiatry a service

by doing this commercial.

You have a way

of cutting through the baloney

that knocks me out cold.

Oh, dear...

What does this mean?

"Frasier comes
out of his shell."

It's a... a technical term

it's a lighting thing.

You see, you come
out of your shadow

or your shell, into the light.

I have so much to learn
about this business.

Niles, Niles, thanks
for meeting me.

I have to talk to you
about something,

Why do you have
that ridiculous tissue

around your neck?

Well, they didn't tell
me I could take it off

so I kept it on.

Oh, silly me.

Here I thought it was just a
means to attract attention...

To have people come up to
you and say, "Are you an actor?"

This affording you the
opportunity to say yes

you are indeed an actor

and then proceed to
crow, gloat and strut

in a way you could
not otherwise do.

And the reason you have "SHRINK"
on your license plate would be?

Niles, listen.

I've got to do this
commercial in half an hour

and I just don't think I
can go through with it.

I'm afraid that I'm compromising
my integrity as a psychiatrist.

Why do you feel like that?

Well, for one thing, my
costars are dressed up

like an almond and a walnut.

Now, listen, Niles

I need your guidance.

Frasier, I don't see
this as a problem.

You don't think this is the
selling out of Frasier Crane?

Oh, certainly not.

You sold out a long time ago.

The moment you agreed

to do that call-in
show, you sold out.

Oh, Niles, you
are such a purist.

Granted, I can't do the kind
of in-depth analysis one can

with a single patient

but my show literally helps
thousands of people a day.

Let's face it, Frasier.

You talk about wanting

to safeguard your
professional dignity

but, the first time
you went on the air

you got out of medicine
and into show biz.

You're no different
from that movie star

who let everyone look
up her skirt in that film

and then did
nothing but complain

that nobody took her
seriously as an actress.

Well, that has
nothing to do with it.

Have you seen that movie?

Maris and I rented the video.

I don't mind telling you

we pushed our beds
together that night.

And that was no mean feat.

Her room, as you
know, is across the hall.

Niles, will you just tell
me... Would you do it?

A nude scene? I suppose,
if it were integral to...

Not a nude scene!

Would you do this commercial?

Oh, certainly not.

I'm a respected psychiatrist.

So what you're saying
is that I shouldn't do it.

No, no, no, no.

I'm saying it doesn't matter.

Let's face it, Frasier.

They've already
looked up your skirt

and they've seen
everything there is to see.

What are you still doing up?

Oh, geez, you're
not watching the tape

of that dumb commercial again.

I can't get it off my mind.

Did I do the right thing?

Of course you did.

And Freddy's going
to thank you for it.

Here. Watch it with
me one more time.

MAN: I'm a nut.

No, I'm a nut.

No, I'm a nut.

I'm a nut.

Stop! You're both nuts.

I'm noted psychologist
Dr. Joyce Brothers

and I'm here to tell you

that I'm just crazy
about Emery's nuts.

So, if you're crazy
about nuts, too

pick up a can of Emery's today.

Emery's, the nut-lover's nut.

I suppose you're right, Dad.

Freddy will thank me.

Dr. Joyce is his
favorite psychologist.

Dr. Joyce is pretty good.

I remember her from
the Hollywood Squares.

She was always
under Charlie Weaver.

No, Charlie Weaver
was always on the bottom.

No, I don't think so.

Paul Lynde was in the middle.

George Gobel was on the end

and where was Wally Cox?

Wally Cox uh, upper left

next to Rose Marie to block.

Oh, right.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, everybody!