Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 10 - Oops - full transcript

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NILES: So I just had
to get out of the house.

Maris' Junior League

is rehearsing their
spring musicale.

This year, they're doing Cats.

For the past week and a half

I've been watching
two dozen underweight

tightly-pulled women in leotards

crawling around the
music room meowing.

I'm telling you

Frasier, my allergies
are acting up.



Oh, Niles, I think
you're exaggerating.

No, no, really.

You have no idea how
vivid the experience is.

As God is my judge

I swear Mrs. Presley Bismouth
was scent-marking the divan.

God, you'd think

women of that age would
choose more suitable material.

You remember the
last show they did...

The Sound of Music? My God!

Half the von Trapp children
were having hot flashes.

Hi, Frasier, Niles.

Let me guess.

The wacky gang from the office?

Everyone, this is
my brother Niles.



This is Teddy, one of
our brilliant engineers.

Teddy, my man.

This is KACL's own
inimitable Chopper Dave...

Your Eye In The Sky for traffic.

( yelling:) Nice to
meet you, Niles!

Why is this man yelling?

Oh, was I yelling?

Oh, God, I was
yelling again, wasn't I?

I'm sorry!

Talking over the
blades, you know!

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

This has been kind of fun.

But, uh...

I really have to go.

I'm conducting a seminar

on multiple personalities

and it takes forever to
fill out the name tags.

Well, KACL team

what is on the agenda for today?

Sit down and listen to this.

I got a juicy piece of news

and it's reliable.

Alan in accounting

got it from Stephen
in promotions

who got it from
Cindy in retail sales

who got it from Arlene, the
station manager's secretary

that the station is
definitely way over budget

and somebody's getting the ax.

But don't tell anybody.

I was sworn to secrecy.

Roz, I'm ashamed of you.
Gossip, gossip, gossip.

Don't you realize how
destructive it can be?

It does nothing but sully
good people's names

and create an atmosphere
of suspicion and mistrust.

Oh, lighten up.

Gossip is

the lifeblood of
the corporate world.

If it wasn't for gossip

we wouldn't know any
of the important things...

Like how much everybody makes.

You know my salary?

No one's salary's a
secret around here!

BULLDOG: 94, 95, 96, 97...

TEDDY: Bulldog, how's it going?

Great... 98, 99, 100!

New high for me!

Squeezing or counting?

( barks)

Java to go!

You know who I
think's getting dumped?

Father Mike from
Religion On The Line.

No way!

Station loves him.

Just gave him a big bonus.

Hey, where's my tickets
to the Sonics game?

They were here
just a second ago.

Somebody stole my
tickets to the Sonics game!

This stinks!

This is total BS!

This is... Oh. Got 'em, got 'em.

Hey, you guys don't
think it's Bulldog

who's getting canned?

Could be.

No, no. no. He's the station's

highest-rated personality.

I mean, with the exception
of women 35 to 54

who happen to think
that I'm sort of a God.

But he has been in that
salary beef with management.

And I heard him screaming
at Business Affairs

for putting his expense
account on hold.

Oh, yeah, Bulldog's out!

Shh!

Hey, have you heard

my new gimmick for the show?

If the Seahawks beat
Buffalo this Sunday

I promise to do my entire show

hanging by my feet.

You can do that?

Oh, sure.

Practiced all morning.

The real trick is
drinking coffee.

I keep burning my eyes.

Dave, you want my tickets

to the Sonics game tonight?

Thanks!

Why aren't you going?!

Station manager wants
to see me after work.

Ooh. Ooh.

People, people

you're jumping to conclusions.

Show a little respect.

Bulldog has devoted 15
years of his life to radio.

My own personal feelings aside

the man deserves better
than to become the object

of some scurrilous rumor

that, as yet, hasn't
a shred of truth to it.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

Well, just in case

I've got dibs on
his parking space.

ROZ: Dr. Crane, we
have Don on his car phone.

He's having a
problem with his weight.

Hmm.

Don, it's a common problem.

I'm listening.

Oh, it's the
screwiest thing, Doc.

I eat healthy, I work out

but, no matter what I do

I can't lose a pound.

It's very depressing.

Yes, well, losing weight
can be a lifelong struggle.

It takes a commitment.

If you're ready to accept that

there are a number
of things I can suggest.

TEENAGER: May I
take your order, please?

Don, what was that?

Huh? Oh, nothing.
It was the radio.

Go ahead. You were talking.

Don, where are you?

I'm just driving around.

TEENAGER ( irritated): Please
speak into the clown's mouth.

Don?

Sorry, Dr. Crane.

Oh, I'm going to lose you.

( faking static noises)

I'm going into a tunnel.

Good-bye.

Yes, and the light at
the end of that tunnel

is a heat lamp over
a large order of fries.

We'll be right back
after the news.

Hey, Frasier, I got to

run up to payroll.
Be back in five.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Father Mike.

Oh, hello, Frasier.

How you doing?

Say, I just heard a rumor

that somebody around
here is being let go.

Do you know anything about that?

Because, to tell you the truth

I'm afraid it might be me.

Oh, Father, Father,
you should know better

than to put any stock
in idle office gossip.

I know, I know,
but it's hard not to.

My numbers have
been down lately.

They keep changing my time slot.

I'm really bummed.

Well, listen, Father.

I don't like to engage in gossip

but you have nothing
to worry about.

Yes... why?

Well, someone is being let go.

Oh?

But it's not you. It's Bulldog.

Bulldog?

Oh, what a shame.

Yes.

Has anybody spoken
for his parking space?

I have, yes.

So I'm a goner, huh?

Bulldog, how long
have you been...?

Long enough to know
I'm the one who's out.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Damn it!

Now I know why Ned Miller

wants to see me after work.

It's to can my butt.

I mean, why else
would he willing to miss

happy hour at El Paquito's?

The man's a total boozer!

Now, now, now,
now, Bulldog, listen.

This is just a rumor.

You know how
out of the loop I am.

Oh, yeah. And
after all I've done

for this lousy station

this is how they repay me?

Well, that's it!

Nobody fires Bob Brisco.

I'll quit first.

Now, now, now,
don't do anything rash.

Now, listen. I
suggest you just try

to vent your anger first.

Well, there.

Way to go.

Now, on your way.

You're damn right.

Hey, Bulldog.

No time to talk, Slim.

I'm off to war.

Wait for me.

What was that?

Bulldog's quitting.

Why?

Well, because Ned
Miller is firing him.

Who told you that?

You did.

That was just a rumor.

You didn't tell
him that, did you?

I didn't mean to.

He overheard me.

Oh, God!

What?

Come on. You guys
were so positive.

The expense account thing

the meeting with
management at 5:00.

That meeting was to discuss
taking his show national!

Don't you know anything
that goes on around here?!

Apparently not!

Well, don't just stand there.

Go call his secretary.
She'll stop him

before he gets in.

I don't believe this.

This is incredible.

Yes, hello. Hello, Arlene.

Arlene, yes, listen.

Bob Brisco's about
to jump into the office...

Oh, he did.

God, he's already burst
into the office with Miller.

Oh, God, this is a disaster.

Maybe not. Maybe not.

Maybe, before
Bulldog starts anything

Miller will tell him

what the meeting
was really about.

I suppose you're right.

For all we know,
they may be having

a good laugh
about this right now.

( ferocious growling)

Grab that mike.

We're out of the
news in one minute.

I did it!

I scorched him!

You should have seen
the look on his face!

I even told him
about the time his wife

came on to me at
the Christmas party.

I said there wasn't
enough liquor in the world

to make me sleep
with that porker!

You said that to Ned Miller?

Yes. Yeah! He even
took a swing at me.

I gave him a little
okey-doke, and he hit air!

My God! The man tried
to strike you? Listen, Bull...

Hey, hey!

No sudden moves, Doc.

I'm still too pumped.

I feel like popping someone.

My God! This is unbelievable!

A man has quit his job

just because of a
rumor that you spread!

Me?

The whole point of gossip

is to talk behind
the person's back

not in front of him!

I didn't realize you were
unclear on this concept!

I'm a bad, bad man.

Well, Frasier, you have
got to do something.

You've got to call Ned Miller

and get this whole
thing cleared up.

Oh, right. Call Ned Miller.

Clear this thing up.

The man is totally unstable.

He tried to take a swing at me

the day he hired me.

Ooh! I just heard a hot
rumor... Bulldog quit!

No kidding.

But keep it under your
hat! Very hush-hush!

(Rings)

Oh, Niles. What brings you here?

Well, I was hoping

Daphne could take
a look at this plant.

I bought it for Maris

but it unaccountably
turned against her.

I thought Daphne

was the perfect person

to nurse it back to health

with her soft, sensual hands

and her loving... manner.

Is she here?

Nah. She stepped out.

I don't know when
she'll be back.

Oh. Well, I'm off.

Hey.

You can stay.

I haven't seen you for a while.

We can visit.

Well, yes, we
could, couldn't we?

So how are you?

Fine. You?

Fine.

She's fine.

Pickle?

No, thanks.

Look, Niles, if you just
came to see Daphne

you don't have to stay.

Dad, I can't believe you
would say that to your own son.

I am deeply insulted.

Here I wanted to have
some time with you

but now I'm so upset,
I'll have to leave.

Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.

Staying for dinner?

Yes. Love to.

Daphne, I have the fervent hope

that you could
coax this back to life.

It's one of Maris' favorite.

My goodness! What
did she do to it?

Nothing... just loved it.

God, do you
believe this weather?

Oh, Frasier

I'm glad you're home.
What happened to Bulldog?

Who told you?

Nobody told me anything.

I tuned into the gonzo sports
show today, like I always do

and they had
Father Mike filling in.

I hate that!

All it was was Notre Dame,
Notre Dame, Notre Dame.

Yes, well, Bulldog
tendered his resignation.

Oh, no!

Why would he do that?

He's the top sports guy in town.

Well, you know, things
just go funny sometimes.

It's a tough business...
This radio game, you know.

Dr. Crane, I'm picking
up something from you.

You're shrouded
in an aura of guilt.

Maybe I am.

Daphne, that's fantastic.

Do me! Do me!

No. I'm onto something here.

You actually think
you're responsible

for Bulldog losing his job.

Frasier?

All right, all right.

There was a rumor

going around the station

that Bulldog was
going to get sacked.

And then I was
repeating it to someone

and he overheard me
and flew off the handle...

Went up and quit his job.

In the end, it turned out

that the rumor wasn't true.

'Course, you already
knew that, didn't you?

( phone rings)

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

Maris.

Maris, what's wrong?

Oh, pumpkin

it's all right.

No, no. Everything's
going to be...

Oh, dear.

Sorry. I have to go.

Maris is despondent.

They kicked her out
of the cast of Cats.

Why?

She couldn't remember

the words to "Memory."

Now, listen here, Frasier.

If you're responsible

for Bulldog losing his job

you got to make this right.

You got to go
down to that station

and talk to the boss
and get him his job back.

Well, that's a little
easier said than done.

Ned Miller's the most
intimidating, heartless

mean-spirited man I've ever
had the misfortune to meet.

And he cheats on his wife.

My goodness, I'm on today.

So you're selling
Bulldog down the river

just 'cause you
don't have the guts

to go and face this guy?

For all we know, this might be

the best thing that
ever happened to him.

You know, he's
always talking about

how he should be
in a larger market

like Los Angeles
or New York, and...

Eddie, scoot! Scat!

Bulldog?

Hiya, Doc.

Oh, what are you doing
just standing there?

I don't know.

I was trying to decide

whether or not I
should bother you.

See, my life is kind of over

but you got company, so I'll go.

No, no, no, no.
Come in, come in.

It's just family.

This is my dad and Daphne Moon.

Hey, Bulldog.

You're soaking wet.

Yeah. I been wandering
around the streets

for the last few hours.

I heard what happened.

You haven't
heard the half of it.

My girlfriend threw me out.

She said the only
reason she was with me

was because I was on the radio.

Can you believe that?

Eight years we've been together.

I loved that woman.

Even when I was tomcatting
around, I loved that woman.

God!

That job was my life

and now I've been
blackballed in this business

and all because of
my stupid temper!

What is this anyway?

That's an exceedingly

rare fertility symbol from
a small nomadic tribe

in Ghana.

I guess, when they were
passing out equipment

this guy was in
the back of the line.

Anyway, I might as well face it.

I'm just a loser, I'm a zero

I'm nothing, a has-been.

Pickle?

Now, I'm not familiar
with your work myself

but Mr. Crane, here, often
puts off his nightly bath

just so he can hear your show.

MARTIN: Oh, yeah!

You're the greatest, Bulldog!

If you weren't on the radio,
I wouldn't have a radio.

That's a nice thing to say.

Now I know why your
son is such a great guy.

Hey, I bothered
you people enough.

I better go.

The good rooms at
the "Y" fill up early.

Wait, Bulldog.

I can't let you leave like this.

Here's a 20.

Oh, all right.

Why don't you just
spend the night?

And... you can take the couch.

Wow. You'd do that for me?

Well, sure. What's the point

of having a priceless
suede couch

unless you can have a
bunch of people crashing on it?

Thanks, Doc.

Hey, I hope it's okay

but I could really
use a hot shower.

Oh, sure. Sure.

Down the hall

second door on the left.

Towels are in the cabinet.

You two just leave me alone.

This is not my fault.

Look, I... I am not responsible

for Bulldog going up there

and popping off to the boss.

You can stare at me till
you're blue in the face.

I am not going to
go see Ned Miller.

Oh, all right!

I'll go down to the station

I will talk to the
monster on the sixth floor

and futilely attempt to
get a man back his job

that I don't even care for.

And, in the process,
I will probably end up

spitting out my
teeth like Chiclets.

Is there anything
else I can do for you?

( barks)

Oh, if you're
going by the market

we're low on dog food.

( knock on door)

MAN: What? What?

Mr. Miller?

Oh, it's you, Crane.

I don't mean to disturb you,
but Arlene wasn't at her desk...

I had to let her go.

A lot of stuff she's
been doing lately

has been ticking me off.

If this is a bad time...

No, it's a perfect time.

I need you to hold this.

Come on!

Now!

Geez! Come on.

Okay, how's this?

I'd love to tell you, but
your big head's in the way.

Oh, put it down.

Oh, my Lord, what happened here?

Oh, that psycho Bulldog
and I got into it this afternoon.

He threw my Golden Mike at me.

He did that with
your little trophy?

No, he just chipped
the paint with the trophy.

I did that with his head.

Uh... that's sort
of why I'm here.

Drink?

No. No, thank you, Mr. Miller.

I know that Bulldog was up here

and he said some pretty
regrettable things to you.

I'll say he said some things.

You want to hear them?

I tape everything
in this office.

Well, anyway...

a lot of what he said was, uh...

was my fault, you see.

Well, you see, I heard a rumor

that management was
thinking about lightening

the load a bit.

Well, I heard
that it was Bulldog

that was going to get sacked

and I... I was repeating
the rumor to someone

and Bulldog heard me

and that's why he came up
here and started telling you...

That I'm a drunk, that
I'm incompetent at my job

that my wife is a big fat slut!

That is indefensible!

Your wife is not overweight!

Well, anyway, my
point is that... uh...

I'd like you to consider

giving Bulldog his job back

and whatever the
consequences to me

I'm... I'm willing to accept it.

Look, I won't kid you.

Bulldog meant big
numbers to us. in drive time.

We need him back.

I'll tell you what.

You get him to
apologize to me...

Oh, hell, why
don't I just say it?

If he'll kiss my ass, maybe
we can work something out.

Oh, sir, sir

I'm sure that'll
make him so happy.

Well, I'll just

get out of your hair.

Actually, Crane

that rumor about
someone being let go...

It's true.

What?

Now that you've so nobly

gotten Bulldog his job back

the station still needs
to make some cutbacks

in those high-priced salaries.

Oh, God, not Father Mike.

No, it's not Father Mike.

Chopper Dave?

Ray the Greengrocer?

Bonnie "The Auto Lady" Weems?

Look, Crane, you're
new to the radio game.

I been around a long time.

People get fired

but they always get
back on their feet.

So...

I bet I could get
you that drink now.

Yes, I bet you could.

( phone rings)

Help yourself.

Ned Miller!

Yo, Jack!

No. What's wrong?

Come on, tell me now.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I see.

No, no, no. I... I... I got it.

Thanks, Jack.

Excuse me.

Bad news?

Oh, you could say that.

I've just been fired.

They decided the best way

to cut the budget

was to get rid of
my high salary.

Oh, Ned, I...

I'm so sorry.

Then I guess this means
that my job is still safe, then?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, you know, Ned...

I haven't been in the
radio game that long

but, uh... I've been
around long enough to know

that people get fired,
and when they do

they always seem
to land on their feet.

Now, I've known quite a few
people, and counseled them

who have suffered
similar setbacks

but, in time, you
will embrace this...

Learn to think of it
as, oh, a new chapter.

You know, in theatrical circles

they always say, "Every
exit is but an entrance

to somewhere else."

God, I wish I had fired
you when I had the chance.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!