Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 8 - Beloved Infidel - full transcript

Danielle, you're going to
have to slow down a little bit.

I'm having a hard
time understanding you.

WOMAN: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane.

I'm having a big, big
problem with my monthieur.

Excuse me. With your what?

My monthieur.

Your monthieur?

Oui, my monthieur... every day.

Is that your mother?

No. My monthieur.

Your masseur? Your Mercedes?



My monthieur! You must help me!

Well, Danielle, I... I... uh...
the best advice I can give you

is to, um... either
confront your monthieur

or, uh... work on
your self-esteem.

Thank you for your call.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane

saying, "Go out and have
a good evening, Seattle."

You deserve it.

Roz...

aren't you screening
these calls?

Yeah, but when you only have one

you get a little
less particular.

Oh, you look nice.

Yeah? Well, I've
got a date tonight.



Oh, great.

So why are you
wearing only one heel?

Did you break it off?

No. I'm dating a sea
captain with a peg leg

and this makes it
easier when we dance.

I broke it off in
a sidewalk grate.

So who is this guy?

Another one of those
trendy young kids

who's got three
earrings and a ponytail

wearing a T-shirt
under his sports coat?

Is he here?

Roz! Where do you
meet these people?

For your information,
this guy happens to be

a very successful
media consultant.

He graduated from Princeton

he has a house on Mercer Island

and he owns a 40-foot sailboat.

You met him on
a bus, didn't you?

No. Actually, we shared a cab.

All right, he was driving it.

Hello, Frasier.

Hi, Niles. You remember Roz.

Yes, of course.
What brings you here?

Oh, nothing.

I was just passing by

and thought I'd
stop in for a career.

Good luck.

Sorry I'm late, Frasier.

But the entrance to your
parking garage is blocked

by a cab driver with a ponytail

scraping gum off his back seat.

Madam, your chariot awaits.

Well, better get going, Niles.

Oh, actually, bad news
on that score, Frasier.

I'm afraid the lecture's
been canceled.

Oh, well, I can't say
I'm really disappointed.

I wasn't relishing the idea

of three hours on
right-brain, left-brain synergy.

I'll have you know I
trimmed that speech

to two-and-a-half hours

and I open with a
really funny Al Gore joke.

Well, there's no use
crying over spilt milk.

Now, we've got a free evening.

That sounds like the
perfect opportunity

for a couple of
guys on the loose

to hit a sports bar, have
a couple of brewskis

maybe take in a game or two.

Right... but what shall we do?

Dinner?

Perfect. No place fancy.

I'm sure neither of
us wants a heavy meal

with lots of wine

and expensive desserts.

Oh, it's your turn
to pay, isn't it?

You know me so well.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Are you sure it was all right

to park in that lot
across the street?

The sign said it was just
for customers of those stores.

I don't want to get a ticket.

It's fine, Niles.

I mean, I could just nip back

to Crabtree and Evelyn

and buy a bar of lavender
soap just to be safe.

Nile, Niles, sit down.

Lavender soap. For
God sakes, you're a man!

You'd look ridiculous.

May I get you a drink?

Fuzzy navel

blended nice and frothy, please.

And... martini, Niles?

No, thanks. I'm driving.

Maybe I'll buy a
bag of potpourri

or a set of hand towels.

Just sit down!

Frasier, unless my
eyes deceive me

that's Dad sitting over there.

God. You're right.
Gee, that's strange.

He said he was
going over to Duke's

to have a beer with
a couple of the boys.

That certainly isn't the boys.

It seems we've caught him
in a clandestine rendezvous.

The sly boots. He had a date
and he didn't want us to know.

He's looking this way.

Turn around. Turn around.

What are they doing?

Well, it's sort of cute.

He's holding her hand, and...

Don't look. Don't look!

I'll tell you when you can look.

Not now.

Not now.

Okay, now.

No, not now!

Oh, I don't like this one bit.

Why? What are they doing now?

No, nothing. I just
realized, if Dad's eating here

this can't be a very
good restaurant.

I wonder if it's
their first date.

Well, if it is, they seem to
be having a very good time.

What are they doing?

They're leaning in and
talking to each other.

He's smiling at her

She's just...
collapsed in tears.

She's sobbing uncontrollably.

Oh, yeah, that's a
Crane first date all right.

She's coming this way. Hide!

Frasier, do you
know who that is?

She did look familiar.

I'd swear that
was Marion Lawlor.

Marion Lawlor! My God.

I haven't heard that
name since I was a kid.

I thought Mom and Dad had a
huge falling out with the Lawlors.

They did. They did. It
was that last summer

we shared a cabin
with them at the lake.

Maybe Dad's getting
together just to patch things up.

Doing his usual bang-up job.

This is really awkward.

We should just get out of here.

No, Niles. If we leave
now, he's sure to spot us.

Niles, maybe you should
have that martini after all.

I can't, Frasier. I'm driving.

Not anymore. They
just towed your car.

Eddie...

you little hooligan,
get off that couch.

You know you're not
supposed to do that.

If Dr. Crane sees you

he's going to throw
you off the balcony

and I'll be right behind you.

Good boy.

Now, you stay there.

Well, Eddie...

glad to see my
rules about the couch

are finally taking hold.

Good dog.

Dad. Daphne.

Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne. Say, where's Dad?

Mr. Dorsey, down on eight

invited him over to
watch the ball game.

Oh, great. He's
finally getting to know

some of the neighbors.

What are you staring at?

Have you thought about
growing a mustache?

No. I don't think
it would suit me.

Oh, yes, it does.

You've never seen me with one.

Actually, I have.

There's a billboard
for your show

down on 16th street.

Some kids went at you
with a can of spray paint.

And it looked good?

Oh, yes.

But a word to the wise:

Take good care of your teeth.

That look is not at
all flattering on you.

I'll get it.

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

What brings you here?

A rent-a-car,
thanks to my brother.

I assume you're
here for a reason.

Ah, yes.

Frasier, last night,
when I got home

that strange incident
with Dad and Mrs. Lawlor

got me to thinking:

What was it that caused
the rift between our families?

So I dug out my
old boyhood journal

and looked up my entries

from our last summer
together at the lake.

According to this, there
was a three-week period

where Mom and Dad
had screaming matches

every night after
we went to bed.

I don't recall that.

Oh, that's right.

That was the same period

where you insisted on wearing

the wax earplugs
and the slumber mask.

Well, I had to, what with
you underneath the covers

with a flashlight, looking at
the National Geographics.

I was looking at the maps.

That's what makes it so scary.

Now, what was your point?

According to my journal

something more
provocative happened

during that same period.

Here.

Read this.

"Though summer at the lake

"seems but a vapid,
vacuous experience

it is a necessary tonic
for my troubled youth."

Niles, how old were
you when you wrote this?

Almost nine.

Which explains the redundancy

with "vapid" and "vacuous."

By ten, my writing had
gotten considerably tighter.

Among other things.

The point is that
that same night

I crept out onto
the screen porch

leaving the lights off

so as not to attract
bats and moths.

As I peered out
through the darkness

between the trees
I saw the figures

of Dad and Mrs. Lawlor
in each other's arms.

I think it's pretty clear
what happened, Frasier.

Dad and Mrs.
Lawlor had an affair.

Oh, come on, Niles.

I appreciate your attempt
to spice up our family history

but, really, we're not
a Jackie Collins novel.

It's ridiculous.

Is it? All right.

Allow me to present exhibit "B."

This is a photo
album Mom prepared

of photos from the same period.

Ooh, I love to see
old family photos.

My goodness! What a
handsome, sinewy young bloke.

That was our dad.

You two take after
your mother, don't you?

All right, all right.

Look at this
picture, and this one.

That's Dad, but the
person next to him

has been cut out.

And, if you look at this one

you can still see
the edges of a dress

and a handbag and tan sandals.

Here's one whose head
should have been cut out.

That scrawny little chap

with the fish-belly
complexion and rain hat.

I was under doctor's orders

to stay out of direct sunlight.

We don't know for sure

that that was Mrs. Lawlor.

And, besides, even
then it wouldn't prove

that Dad had an affair with her.

What are you two talking about?

Oh, Niles has this theory

that Dad had an illicit affair

when we were youngsters.

Your father? I
can't believe that.

He's not the type.

Well, that's what I think.

Besides, Niles, there's
not enough proof.

Are you saying
it's not possible?

Anything is possible.

Then why don't you just ask him?

Right.

Good evening, Father.

By the way, did you
boff one of the neighbors

while we were
roasting marshmallows?

Ah! Ah! There's one
sure way to get the truth.

We'll call Aunt Vivian.

Who's Aunt Vivian?

Better known as "The Mouth"...

Keeper of the Crane
family skeletons.

No, Niles, we are
not calling Aunt Vivian.

Why? Are you afraid
you'll find out something

you don't want to know?

Yes... that she
knows where I live

and that she still drives.

You two are worse

than a couple of old washerwomen

gossiping over the back fence.

I'm telling you, the
way to solve this

is to ask your father.

Ask me what?

Your sons here have
some cockeyed notion

that you had an affair
with some woman

30 years ago.

What?

Where the hell did
that idea come from?

Well, last night

Frasier saw you having dinner

with Marion Lawlor.

You were with me!

What are you two
doing... Spying on me?

No, no, Dad. We were just

having dinner together
at the same time

when you were supposed to be

having some drinks with
your buddies at Dukes.

And that proves I had
an affair 30 years ago?

No, no, but Niles
dug out his journal

and then he remembered this time

when he saw you and her hugging

and it was right
around the same time

when you and Mom
seemed to be fighting a lot.

And then, suddenly, you
stopped seeing the Lawlors.

I don't believe
this. This is stupid!

That's what I told them.

The hens here were
even going to give

some Aunt Vivian person a call.

Uh, Daphne, would you
give me a minute alone

with these two?

Of course. I
completely understand.

That's right, send
the help to the room.

I never get to hear
any good stuff anyway.

Look, don't bother
calling Aunt Vivian.

You want to know the truth?

Fine.

I had an affair.

It happened a long time ago
and it's not anything I'm proud of.

Now that I've answered
all your questions

do me a favor.

This is never to be

brought up again, understand?

End of discussion.

Well...

it's times like this
that most families...

pull together

and draw strength
from each other.

What shall we do?

Oh, thank you.

Good. You're here.

I came by to see
how you're doing

but I only have a few minutes.

I start my "Healing With
Humor" support group tonight

and I... I still have to
pick up my big shoes.

How am I doing?

How are you doing, Niles?

Doesn't it bother you

that your father
cheated on my mother?

Frasier, your loyalties
are seeping through

and I might point out that
I got Mom's small features

while you got
Dad's chunky thighs.

The point is that it
must have caused Mom

a great deal of pain.

Agreed, but...

they went on

and they had a very
happy life together.

They got over it.

Why can't you?

I know that, rationally, I
should be able to handle this.

I deal with people who
exemplify human frailty every day.

But, in this case,
it's not people.

One of our parents
had an illicit affair.

How could Dad cheat with Marion

knowing the effect it
would have on Mom

not to mention the repercussions

it would have for
you and me later on.

Why don't you just pull
up a chair and join us?

I just can't believe
that it's... it's our father.

I never had a great
relationship with him

but there was one thing I
always respected about him...

It was his integrity.

Just thinking about what he did

it just sickens me.

Frasier, as your
brother, as a therapist

I think you have to let this go.

A good first step would
be to come with me

to my "Healing With
Humor" support group.

Thank you, Niles

but I think I just
need a night to myself.

Well, if you change your
mind, it should be a hoot.

As we speak, I'm wearing
oversized polka-dot boxers

and quick-release suspenders.

Well, I see all sorts of things

have been going
on behind my back!

Get the...!

Frasier?

Yes.

You may not remember me.

Marion Lawlor.

Yes, I remember you.

Is your dad home?

Uh, no, but if you
come back later

you can have the
place to yourselves.

No, that's not necessary.

I had dinner with
him the other night

and I... left rather abruptly.

I just wanted to
tell him I'm sorry.

Would you please
give him my best?

Oh, I think you've
already done that.

Did I come at a bad time?

You seem upset about something.

Would you come in
for a moment, please?

After you met with
Dad the other night

he and I had a
little conversation

and that was the
first time I learned

what happened that summer.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Right. I guess I'm
not the sort of person

that can hear news like that

and just sweep it under
the rug and forget about it.

I know you're upset.

But, if it's any consolation

in time, your father
and I forgave them.

Forgave them?

Frasier, your mother
was a good person.

So was my husband.

They made a mistake.

Anyway, just tell your
father I stopped by.

I felt so silly crying in
front of him the other night.

I've been a little...
over-emotional since Dan died.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

Well, you never realize

how hard that's
going to hit you.

Well, look who
I'm telling this to.

The famous radio psychiatrist

Dr. Frasier Crane.

I remember you when you
used to run around in your undies

with your pail and shovel.

Yes, well, I rarely get
to the shore anymore.

Well, good-bye, Frasier.

Good-bye.

Working down on the docks

has always been a
tradition for us Moons.

My father worked on the docks
and my grandfather before him.

All my brothers do.

Well, except for
my brother Billy.

He came home one day

and announced he
hated the smell of fish

and was going to
teach ballroom dancing.

And he did.

And he does.

He's my mom's favorite.

Dad mostly flicks the crust
off his kidney pie at him.

How much longer
do I have to do this?

Be patient.

You don't want
to go through life

dragging your leg behind
you like a dead tree branch.

I'm talking about listening
to your family's history.

Now, I know you don't mean that.

Why would a man
of your intelligence

say a thing like that

when you're in the
position you're in

and I'm in the position I'm in?

All right! All right!

Up you come.

That's much better.

I'll go run your bath.

Hi, Dad.

You look kind of tired.

Yeah. I just finished my
exercises with Nurse Ratched.

Listen, Dad, do you have
to watch the TV right now?

Yeah. My program's on.

Well, if either of us
could work the VCR

we'd tape it.

But, just for now,
there's something

I'd... I'd like to
talk to you about.

Oh, for God's sake,
Frasier, I know what this is.

I've already told you
everything I'm going to.

Now drop it.

Dad...

why didn't you
tell me the truth?

I did.

Marion Lawlor came by today.

She wanted to apologize
for the other night.

While she was here

she... she told me
what really happened.

All right, so now you know.

You did your little digging

and you stuck your nose
in where it didn't belong.

Are you happy now?

Why didn't you
tell me it was Mom?

Because it was none of your
damn business, and it still isn't.

Look, Dad, I don't blame
you for being defensive

but I had a right to know.

For your information,
this sort of thing

happens to a lot of people.

If it's any consolation

I know exactly how you feel.

I never told you this

but Lilith did the
same thing to me.

Lilith had an affair?

It was the most painful
and humiliating experience

in my entire life.

Well, I'm sure you
felt the same way.

Well, I hadn't thought about it

for quite some time

but thanks for reminding me.

Lilith?

I found her attractive!

I mean, is it so inconceivable

that another man might
find her attractive, as well?

I guess.

So who was the
bozo in your case?

Oh, God.

A Frenchman who lived

in a self-contained
underground ecopod.

Well, that still sounds better

than a urologist with
a bad comb-over.

I'm sorry, Dad.

Look, son, do me a favor.

Don't hate your mother for this.

I wasn't the easiest
person to live with back then

and she had plenty of
reason for doing what she did.

Luckily, we were
able to put it behind us

but I'll tell you...

there were times when
it really tore me up.

I loved your mother.

So did I.

That's why I said

I was the one
who had the affair.

I was just trying
to protect her.

Me, you already
had problems with.

Well, Dad, I
appreciate what you did

but I still think you
should have told me.

Listen, when Frederick grows up

will you tell him
what Lilith did to you?

Okay.

Can I watch my program now?

Oh, no. Just one second.

There is one thing
I got to clear up.

This... this photo
album in here. This...

All these pictures
with the same woman

that's been cut out of them.

You see this?

Yeah. What else do
you notice, Sherlock?

Like, where's your mother?

Oh...

Oh, that was Mom.

Yes.

She cut herself out of it.

She put a few pounds
on that summer.

I think, that day

she was wearing a
brown dress with a belt

and your Aunt Vivian told her

she looked like a
knockwurst tied in the middle.

You know, Dad, ever
since you moved in

we've been trying
to find something

that we have in common.

I think we finally found it.

Yeah.

Wish it was a birthmark.

So do I.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again ♪

♪ Scrambled eggs
all over my face ♪

♪ What is a boy to do? ♪

Thank you!