Frasier (1993–2004): Season 1, Episode 7 - Call Me Irresponsible - full transcript
Frasier gives advice to a caller, Marco, to break off his relationship with his girlfriend, Catherine (Amanda Donohoe), because of his inability to commit. However when Catherine and Frasier end up going on a date, Niles questions his brother's ethics.
It's 4:25, and this
is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Roz, who's our next caller?
We have Hank on line three.
He's having trouble
with his neighbors.
Hello, Hank, I'm listening.
Uh, am I on?
Yes, you're on the air.
Hello, am I on?
Li... Hank, listen,
turn down your radio
and just talk into your phone.
Hello?
It's... Hank, please, you
won't be able to hear yourself.
We're on a seven-second delay.
Hello, can you hear me?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Thank you, Hank.
People, would you please
turn off your damn radios?
No, I mean
just those of you
who are calling in.
Roz, who's our next caller?
We have Marco on line two.
He's having problems
with his relationship.
Hello, Marco, I'm listening.
Well, I, uh... I started seeing
this woman two years ago.
I think it was two years.
Uh... it was around
Thanksgiving...
Yeah, yeah, right, the leaves
were off the trees and the...
Close enough.
What is your problem, Marco?
Well, it's not really my problem
it's more like her problem.
I mean, she keeps pressing
me for a commitment.
What's holding you back?
I don't know, I just...
I guess I just want to
keep my options open...
You know, in case
somebody better comes along.
"Somebody better comes along."
"Somebody better comes along!"
Marco, Marco, Marco,
do you hear yourself?
No. I turned my radio off
after you blasted that other guy.
Well, listen, I suggest
you give your motives
a thorough examination,
and if you can't commit
it's best for both of
you to break it off.
Yeah?
Yeah... thank you for your call.
Tell me, listeners, what
is it with guys like that?
Hey, Roz, you've been
around the block a few times.
You ever run into
a guy like Marco?
Oh, they're all Marcos.
You can't swing a dead
cat without hitting a Marco.
Oh, come on.
I mean, if that were so
then no one would be
having a relationship.
Well, I'm not, my sister's
not, none of my friends are.
I've seen the future,
and its name is Marco.
What do you think, Seattle?
Are there any
non-Marcos out there
or is Roz here
destined to live a life
of hopeless, loveless
spinsterhood?
Back after this.
Gee, I just love it when
you include me in your show.
MARTIN: This is really weird.
It's not even Halloween yet.
Do we really have
to do this now?
If we're going to have a picture
for the Christmas card
we got to make it
look like Christmas.
I don't know why we just can't
do what my wife and I did...
Put Frasier and Niles
in matching sweaters
and sit them on the
hood of the old Packard.
Well, this year
we're going to be a little
more artistic, all right?
Where the hell is
Frasier, anyway?
I could use some help here.
He's still napping.
My grandfather used
to nap every afternoon.
He lived to be 93.
Really?
He'd lie there on the sofa
and you couldn't
wake him for the world.
Grammy would say he
might as well be a dead man.
Then, of course, one
day we couldn't wake him.
He really was a dead man.
Poor Grammy... for
weeks she kept insisting
"'e's napping, 'e's napping."
Okay, I'm going to turn it on.
Oh, it's lovely.
♪ Deck the halls ♪
♪ With boughs of holly,
fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be
jolly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel,
fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪
Excuse me, excuse me.
Exactly how long
have I been asleep?
Good, you're up.
Now we can get
this picture taken.
What picture?
The picture for
the Christmas card.
We told you about it
last week, remember?
Oh, oh, right.
Now, the theme this
year is Santa's Workshop.
Everybody put on
your little elf hats.
I am not putting
this on my head.
I mean, for God's sakes,
I'm a respected professional.
But if you don't,
it'll look stupid.
Oh, I think the ship has
already sailed on that one.
Just put the hat on, Frasier.
You can't tell me what to do.
I am telling you...
Put the hat on.
No. Look, the days are past
when you can just sit me on
top of some stupid old Packard
and make me wear a matching
sweater with my little brother.
Boys, boys, please...
don't fight.
Are you forgetting
what day it is?
It's October 21st!
Can't we just get the
picture taken, please?
All right, I've got it all set.
15 seconds, gents.
Oh, wait; there's
something missing.
Where's Eddie?
Oh, he's in the
bathroom getting a drink.
Eddie!
Well, I can always pray
there's a postal strike.
FRASIER: Well, that's
just about it for today.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying
go on out there and make
it a great evening, Seattle.
( sighs)
Hey, before you go
there's a fan in the hall
who'd like your autograph.
Oh, God, save me
from my adoring fans.
Oh...
Oh, but not from
the adorable ones.
Hello, uh... my producer told me
you wanted an autograph.
Uh, how should I make this out?
You disgust me,
you parasitic fraud.
Well, that's certainly different
from the usual "Best Regards."
Wait a minute.
Don't walk away from me!
For once you're going
to face the consequences
of what happens after
you hang up on your callers.
What consequences?
What are you talking about?
I'm Marco's girlfriend...
Excuse me, ex-girlfriend,
thanks to you.
Marco? You mean the Marco
who didn't want to commit Marco?
Ah, you damn radio shrinks!
You couldn't just
tell him to stick with it.
That kind of advice
doesn't get big ratings.
No. "Break up with her, get
on with your life and ruin hers."
Now, that's entertainment.
Now, just hold on one minute.
Did you actually
listen to the show?
No, but Marco told
me what you said.
Oh, he did, did he?
Did he also mention that he said
that he was only
staying with you
to keep his options open?
Because that's what he told me.
To be exact, he said he
was only staying with you
until somebody
better came along.
He said that?
He said that to most of Seattle.
Apparently you're the
only one who missed it.
So, it wasn't that he
didn't want to commit
he just didn't want
to commit to me.
Well, I'm...
I'm terribly sorry
I had to tell you
but, uh, at least now
you know the truth.
( crying)
Oh, no, no, no, no...
Don't... don't cry.
Look, you're...
you're in a place
of business here.
Oh, boy, I can really
pick them, can't I?
Oh, no, don't go there.
Look, this is not your fault.
Come on, a terrifically
attractive young woman
I mean, maybe a bit
overemotional...
Uh...
( wailing)
Oh, yes, there, there... shh.
Listen, can I... can I
get you something?
Uh-huh.
Uh... a drink of water?
No.
M & M's?
Plain or peanut?
Whichever you like.
Peanut.
All right.
Oh, God, I should
have seen this coming.
I mean, the guy practically
had a coronary when I
brought a toothbrush over
to keep at his apartment.
Oh, well, here.
Thank you.
You want one?
Uh, no, thanks.
Why don't you have a seat?
Thank you.
Well, listen, if-if he
was that resistant
why did you stay with him?
I had a lot invested in him.
Yes, but that's no reason
to settle for someone who
isn't madly in love with you?
Well, right now I'm not sure
there are any men out there
who are actually capable
of falling madly in love.
Well, of course there are.
You know, on the
most basic level
men and women are the same.
We both need to be loved
and to love someone.
We both want to feel
that we matter to someone
and that someone matters to us.
And making a commitment
to another human being
is the ultimate expression
of our humanity.
Wow...
your wife is really lucky.
Well, I'm...
sure she'd say the same thing...
Especially now that
our marriage is over.
Well, maybe I will have
one of those M & M's.
Thanks.
Oh, boy...
Why are relationships
always so hard?
Hey...
You like the yellow
ones too, huh?
Yeah. You know, people try
to tell you they're the same...
I know.
But they're not. No.
But, you know, relationships
don't always have to be so hard.
I remember back in Med school,
I heard of a documented case
where a man and a
woman met, got along
and actually lived
happily ever after.
Yeah, I don't mind the
"happily ever after" part.
It was the dating part.
If I have to tell
one more stranger
the fascinating story of my
life over Northern Italian cuisine
I'm going to choke
on a breadstick!
( chuckles): I know.
You know, I just keep thinking
maybe we could just exchange
resumes over appetizers.
Half the time I'm ready
to exchange good-byes
over appetizers.
Well, at least you don't
get stuck with the bill.
God, you haven't dated
much lately, have you?
No.
I usually end up in
restaurants alone.
Well, I can't do that. No...
I even have to turn
on the TV at home
so at least it feels like
there's someone
else in the room.
Is that what you'll
be doing tonight?
Well, unless I just
keep eating M & M's...
which is a distinct possibility.
FRASIER: Soft and
supple, yet strong
right down to the beautiful
almond-shaped nails.
You really see all
that in my hand?
Mm-hmm.
Look, I'm late.
I've got to go to work.
Oh, wait, wait, um,
we haven't decided
what we're doing tonight.
Uh... Antonio's?
Le Cigare Volant?
We've gone out
the last three nights.
Why don't we just stay in, huh?
Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah?
I tell you what.
I'll send Dad and
Daphne off to the movies
and I'll cook for you.
Be at my place at 8:00.
Oh, I won't be able
to make it till 8:30...
I got to change.
Oh, no, no, no,
don't ever change.
I like you just the way you are.
( all groan)
Oh, come on, come on...
I'm a little out of practice.
I'll see you later, okay?
( soft moans)
Bye.
I'll dispense with the
usual adolescent teasing
and come straight to the point.
Who was that babe-o-rama?
Niles, please
don't try to be hip.
You remind me of Bob Hope
when he dresses up as the Fonz.
Coffee.
Her name is Katherine.
So... how long
have you known her?
Three days.
Have you two, uh...?
No... as if it's any
of your business.
But you're...?
Well, yes, soon.
We are talking about...
Of course we are.
Sex, right?
Yes!
Oh, thank you.
( clears throat)
Ooh, ooh, so, so...
how did you two meet?
Well, it was one of
those funny things.
She came down to the
radio station to chew me out.
You're kidding?
No. A few days earlier
her boyfriend had
called in to the show
and I advised him
to break up with her.
Frasier... Frasier,
where are your ethics?
You... you can't date someone
who's involved with
one of your patients.
Marco is not a
patient, he's a caller.
There's a huge difference.
Besides, I talked to him
days before I met Katherine.
Mmm. Rationalization, the
last refuge of an unsound...
( both arguing)
Oh, Niles, I am
not rationalizing!
There's... there's
nothing wrong here.
As long as your
conscience is clear.
I'm not sure mine would be.
Well, frankly, I don't care
about your conscience
and I don't need your approval.
I don't need you to like it.
In fact, I don't need
you for anything.
Oh, by the way, Niles,
my car's in the shop.
I need you to give me
a ride home tonight.
No problem.
20 Seconds, and
I've got news for you...
Marco's on line two.
Marco?
Oh, you know... the guy
you got out of the way
so you could keep his
girlfriend for yourself.
Ten seconds.
I'm not talking to him.
I... I don't want
to talk to him.
There's no way
I'm talking to him.
Three, two...
Hi, we're back.
Uh, Roz, whom do
we have on the line?
We have Marco on line two.
Who's this on line three?
Oh, Todd...
Oops... darn, we lost Todd.
But lucky for you
we still have Marco on line two.
Thank you, Roz.
Hello, Marco.
Hi, Dr. Crane.
I spoke to you the other
day and I took your advice.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
Well, what can I say
but, um... bravo, Marco!
Roz, who's our next caller?
Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't heard my problem.
I think she's already
dating someone else.
It really makes me nuts.
What makes you think
she's seeing someone else?
Well, the other night, I
couldn't get her on the phone
so I drove by her house,
and I saw her parked outside
talking to some
guy in a black BMW.
Did you, uh...
you get a good look at the guy?
No, it was too dark.
I think I made a
big mistake, Doc.
Do you think I should
ask her to take me back?
No!
I mean, what I mean is, uh...
No!
Marco, you don't want
your ex-girlfriend back.
You just don't want
anybody else to have her.
Isn't that true?
Well, I...
No, it's called jealousy, Marco.
Now, you've got to stop
spying on your ex-girlfriend
and get on with your life.
Borrow a page from my book:
move to a new city, a new state.
Find out why everyone's
talking about Pittsburgh!
We'll be right back
after these messages.
What?
FRASIER: Gee, thanks
for coming to get me, Niles.
No problem, Frasier.
Just a few miles out of
my way... at rush hour.
But I didn't mind, really.
Gave me a chance
to listen to your show.
I see.
I just have one
question for you:
Can you honestly tell me
that the advice you gave Marco
was based on his best
interests and not on your own?
Well, that's an
interesting question, Niles
and I'll tell you
something: I don't care.
I'm in love
and I don't care.
Katherine is mine now.
I'm in and Marco is out.
You're insane.
Perhaps, but you
just ran a stop sign.
( tires squeal)
Now we're in the
middle of the intersection.
( honking)
I'll tell you, Niles, I...
I haven't felt this way in ages.
There's an
excitement about this.
I... I feel tingly.
What does your stomach
have to say about this?
My stomach?
You know what I'm talking about.
Ever since you were a child
if you even approached a
breach of ethics, you'd get queasy.
Actually, you'd
get physically sick.
Well, at least when
it came to ethics
I didn't get spontaneous
nosebleeds.
Remember the time
we lifted that dollar bill
from Mom's change purse?
We left quite a gruesome trail
back to the tree house that day.
Ah, but you see, Niles,
you've proved my point.
I'm not the least
bit queasy... I'm fine.
My head, my heart...
my gastrointestinal system
they're all shouting the
same thing: it's okay!
Niles? Niles, this is a new car?
Yes, actually it is.
A patient of mine got me
a huge break on a lease.
Frasier, do you
have a handkerchief?
( horn honking)
KATHERINE: Mmm, that was
the most delicious Salmon Marseille
I've ever tasted.
Well, then you should try my
"salmon enchanted evening."
Oh, tell me you didn't say that.
Oh, it was just
the Lafite talking.
Lafite, don't fail me now!
Oh, stop, stop!
So, uh...
have you ever made
love in the kitchen?
( plates crash)
Well, the, uh...
dishes are done.
Oh!
( soft moans)
( giggles and moans)
( Frasier groans loudly)
What?
What? What's the matter?
I'm sorry, I... I'm suddenly
feeling a little queasy.
I... I...
Maybe I'm just not
a kitchen person.
Well, uh...
( breathless)
maybe you're just...
a little too warm, huh?
Oh...
Yeah?
Oh, yeah...
Oh, God. Yeah, that's it.
You know, you look
awfully warm too.
Oh, I am. Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh! Ooh.
( loud vibrating)
I'm sorry.
Would you... would
you mind if we...
if we moved to the sofa?
I'm not going to be
outperformed by a barcalounger.
Oh... ooh!
Oh, this is... this is better.
Yes, it is. This is better.
Oh, yes.
( soft moans and kisses)
( Frasier groans)
What? Was I kneeling
on you? All right. All right.
Maybe I need some fresh air.
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, damn, it wasn't the fish.
Well, uh...
You know, there's
a bug going around.
It's not a bug.
Well, what is it, then?
It's us.
Every time we touch
and kiss, I get queasy.
Wait... are you telling me
that the thought of
making love to me
makes you sick to your stomach?
Yes, but don't
take it personally.
It's... it's not
you, it's-it's me.
Every time I come close
to breaching my ethics
I... I end up getting sick.
What are you talking about?
Marco called in
to the show today
and... he said he was thinking
about getting back with you
and I told him not to. So?
Well, I just had a feeling
that maybe I told him that
not because it was good for him,
but because it was good for me.
Oh, Frasier...
Who cares, huh?
Well, I... Huh?
Well, I care.
Look, any psychiatrist
worth his salt would care.
That's why we don't get
involved with our patients...
or their girlfriends.
Well... are you
are you saying you
want to break up with me?
I don't want to;
look, I have to.
If I don't, I'll throw up
all over your shoes.
I can't believe
this is happening.
God, how can this
be so easy for you?
Easy?
This is killing me!
You think I don't want
to pick you up right now
carry you over to that Eames
classic and show you why
it's the best-engineered
chair in the world?!
Well, why don't you, then?
I told you, I can't.
Oh! And nothing I can
say will change your mind?
I'm sorry.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane!
First you screw
things up with Marco
and now you're dumping me!
God! And to think I was
going to have sex with you.
And it was going to be hot.
Oh, like you've
never had before.
I'm talking steamy...
sweat dripping down your back...
neighbors pounding
on the walls...
illegal in 48
states kind of sex!
But, hey, you're okay,
you won't be alone tonight.
No, you've got your ethics!
Oh!
Oh, by the way...
the fish was dry.
Oh, that was a cheap shot!
( rain falling)
( street noises)
How I envy you, Eddie.
The biggest
questions you face are
"Who's going to walk me?
Who's going to feed me?"
I won't know that kind of
joy for another 40 years.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night,
Seattle! We love you!
Captioning sponsored
by Paramount Pictures
is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Roz, who's our next caller?
We have Hank on line three.
He's having trouble
with his neighbors.
Hello, Hank, I'm listening.
Uh, am I on?
Yes, you're on the air.
Hello, am I on?
Li... Hank, listen,
turn down your radio
and just talk into your phone.
Hello?
It's... Hank, please, you
won't be able to hear yourself.
We're on a seven-second delay.
Hello, can you hear me?
Oh, for crying out loud.
Thank you, Hank.
People, would you please
turn off your damn radios?
No, I mean
just those of you
who are calling in.
Roz, who's our next caller?
We have Marco on line two.
He's having problems
with his relationship.
Hello, Marco, I'm listening.
Well, I, uh... I started seeing
this woman two years ago.
I think it was two years.
Uh... it was around
Thanksgiving...
Yeah, yeah, right, the leaves
were off the trees and the...
Close enough.
What is your problem, Marco?
Well, it's not really my problem
it's more like her problem.
I mean, she keeps pressing
me for a commitment.
What's holding you back?
I don't know, I just...
I guess I just want to
keep my options open...
You know, in case
somebody better comes along.
"Somebody better comes along."
"Somebody better comes along!"
Marco, Marco, Marco,
do you hear yourself?
No. I turned my radio off
after you blasted that other guy.
Well, listen, I suggest
you give your motives
a thorough examination,
and if you can't commit
it's best for both of
you to break it off.
Yeah?
Yeah... thank you for your call.
Tell me, listeners, what
is it with guys like that?
Hey, Roz, you've been
around the block a few times.
You ever run into
a guy like Marco?
Oh, they're all Marcos.
You can't swing a dead
cat without hitting a Marco.
Oh, come on.
I mean, if that were so
then no one would be
having a relationship.
Well, I'm not, my sister's
not, none of my friends are.
I've seen the future,
and its name is Marco.
What do you think, Seattle?
Are there any
non-Marcos out there
or is Roz here
destined to live a life
of hopeless, loveless
spinsterhood?
Back after this.
Gee, I just love it when
you include me in your show.
MARTIN: This is really weird.
It's not even Halloween yet.
Do we really have
to do this now?
If we're going to have a picture
for the Christmas card
we got to make it
look like Christmas.
I don't know why we just can't
do what my wife and I did...
Put Frasier and Niles
in matching sweaters
and sit them on the
hood of the old Packard.
Well, this year
we're going to be a little
more artistic, all right?
Where the hell is
Frasier, anyway?
I could use some help here.
He's still napping.
My grandfather used
to nap every afternoon.
He lived to be 93.
Really?
He'd lie there on the sofa
and you couldn't
wake him for the world.
Grammy would say he
might as well be a dead man.
Then, of course, one
day we couldn't wake him.
He really was a dead man.
Poor Grammy... for
weeks she kept insisting
"'e's napping, 'e's napping."
Okay, I'm going to turn it on.
Oh, it's lovely.
♪ Deck the halls ♪
♪ With boughs of holly,
fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be
jolly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel,
fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪
Excuse me, excuse me.
Exactly how long
have I been asleep?
Good, you're up.
Now we can get
this picture taken.
What picture?
The picture for
the Christmas card.
We told you about it
last week, remember?
Oh, oh, right.
Now, the theme this
year is Santa's Workshop.
Everybody put on
your little elf hats.
I am not putting
this on my head.
I mean, for God's sakes,
I'm a respected professional.
But if you don't,
it'll look stupid.
Oh, I think the ship has
already sailed on that one.
Just put the hat on, Frasier.
You can't tell me what to do.
I am telling you...
Put the hat on.
No. Look, the days are past
when you can just sit me on
top of some stupid old Packard
and make me wear a matching
sweater with my little brother.
Boys, boys, please...
don't fight.
Are you forgetting
what day it is?
It's October 21st!
Can't we just get the
picture taken, please?
All right, I've got it all set.
15 seconds, gents.
Oh, wait; there's
something missing.
Where's Eddie?
Oh, he's in the
bathroom getting a drink.
Eddie!
Well, I can always pray
there's a postal strike.
FRASIER: Well, that's
just about it for today.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying
go on out there and make
it a great evening, Seattle.
( sighs)
Hey, before you go
there's a fan in the hall
who'd like your autograph.
Oh, God, save me
from my adoring fans.
Oh...
Oh, but not from
the adorable ones.
Hello, uh... my producer told me
you wanted an autograph.
Uh, how should I make this out?
You disgust me,
you parasitic fraud.
Well, that's certainly different
from the usual "Best Regards."
Wait a minute.
Don't walk away from me!
For once you're going
to face the consequences
of what happens after
you hang up on your callers.
What consequences?
What are you talking about?
I'm Marco's girlfriend...
Excuse me, ex-girlfriend,
thanks to you.
Marco? You mean the Marco
who didn't want to commit Marco?
Ah, you damn radio shrinks!
You couldn't just
tell him to stick with it.
That kind of advice
doesn't get big ratings.
No. "Break up with her, get
on with your life and ruin hers."
Now, that's entertainment.
Now, just hold on one minute.
Did you actually
listen to the show?
No, but Marco told
me what you said.
Oh, he did, did he?
Did he also mention that he said
that he was only
staying with you
to keep his options open?
Because that's what he told me.
To be exact, he said he
was only staying with you
until somebody
better came along.
He said that?
He said that to most of Seattle.
Apparently you're the
only one who missed it.
So, it wasn't that he
didn't want to commit
he just didn't want
to commit to me.
Well, I'm...
I'm terribly sorry
I had to tell you
but, uh, at least now
you know the truth.
( crying)
Oh, no, no, no, no...
Don't... don't cry.
Look, you're...
you're in a place
of business here.
Oh, boy, I can really
pick them, can't I?
Oh, no, don't go there.
Look, this is not your fault.
Come on, a terrifically
attractive young woman
I mean, maybe a bit
overemotional...
Uh...
( wailing)
Oh, yes, there, there... shh.
Listen, can I... can I
get you something?
Uh-huh.
Uh... a drink of water?
No.
M & M's?
Plain or peanut?
Whichever you like.
Peanut.
All right.
Oh, God, I should
have seen this coming.
I mean, the guy practically
had a coronary when I
brought a toothbrush over
to keep at his apartment.
Oh, well, here.
Thank you.
You want one?
Uh, no, thanks.
Why don't you have a seat?
Thank you.
Well, listen, if-if he
was that resistant
why did you stay with him?
I had a lot invested in him.
Yes, but that's no reason
to settle for someone who
isn't madly in love with you?
Well, right now I'm not sure
there are any men out there
who are actually capable
of falling madly in love.
Well, of course there are.
You know, on the
most basic level
men and women are the same.
We both need to be loved
and to love someone.
We both want to feel
that we matter to someone
and that someone matters to us.
And making a commitment
to another human being
is the ultimate expression
of our humanity.
Wow...
your wife is really lucky.
Well, I'm...
sure she'd say the same thing...
Especially now that
our marriage is over.
Well, maybe I will have
one of those M & M's.
Thanks.
Oh, boy...
Why are relationships
always so hard?
Hey...
You like the yellow
ones too, huh?
Yeah. You know, people try
to tell you they're the same...
I know.
But they're not. No.
But, you know, relationships
don't always have to be so hard.
I remember back in Med school,
I heard of a documented case
where a man and a
woman met, got along
and actually lived
happily ever after.
Yeah, I don't mind the
"happily ever after" part.
It was the dating part.
If I have to tell
one more stranger
the fascinating story of my
life over Northern Italian cuisine
I'm going to choke
on a breadstick!
( chuckles): I know.
You know, I just keep thinking
maybe we could just exchange
resumes over appetizers.
Half the time I'm ready
to exchange good-byes
over appetizers.
Well, at least you don't
get stuck with the bill.
God, you haven't dated
much lately, have you?
No.
I usually end up in
restaurants alone.
Well, I can't do that. No...
I even have to turn
on the TV at home
so at least it feels like
there's someone
else in the room.
Is that what you'll
be doing tonight?
Well, unless I just
keep eating M & M's...
which is a distinct possibility.
FRASIER: Soft and
supple, yet strong
right down to the beautiful
almond-shaped nails.
You really see all
that in my hand?
Mm-hmm.
Look, I'm late.
I've got to go to work.
Oh, wait, wait, um,
we haven't decided
what we're doing tonight.
Uh... Antonio's?
Le Cigare Volant?
We've gone out
the last three nights.
Why don't we just stay in, huh?
Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah?
I tell you what.
I'll send Dad and
Daphne off to the movies
and I'll cook for you.
Be at my place at 8:00.
Oh, I won't be able
to make it till 8:30...
I got to change.
Oh, no, no, no,
don't ever change.
I like you just the way you are.
( all groan)
Oh, come on, come on...
I'm a little out of practice.
I'll see you later, okay?
( soft moans)
Bye.
I'll dispense with the
usual adolescent teasing
and come straight to the point.
Who was that babe-o-rama?
Niles, please
don't try to be hip.
You remind me of Bob Hope
when he dresses up as the Fonz.
Coffee.
Her name is Katherine.
So... how long
have you known her?
Three days.
Have you two, uh...?
No... as if it's any
of your business.
But you're...?
Well, yes, soon.
We are talking about...
Of course we are.
Sex, right?
Yes!
Oh, thank you.
( clears throat)
Ooh, ooh, so, so...
how did you two meet?
Well, it was one of
those funny things.
She came down to the
radio station to chew me out.
You're kidding?
No. A few days earlier
her boyfriend had
called in to the show
and I advised him
to break up with her.
Frasier... Frasier,
where are your ethics?
You... you can't date someone
who's involved with
one of your patients.
Marco is not a
patient, he's a caller.
There's a huge difference.
Besides, I talked to him
days before I met Katherine.
Mmm. Rationalization, the
last refuge of an unsound...
( both arguing)
Oh, Niles, I am
not rationalizing!
There's... there's
nothing wrong here.
As long as your
conscience is clear.
I'm not sure mine would be.
Well, frankly, I don't care
about your conscience
and I don't need your approval.
I don't need you to like it.
In fact, I don't need
you for anything.
Oh, by the way, Niles,
my car's in the shop.
I need you to give me
a ride home tonight.
No problem.
20 Seconds, and
I've got news for you...
Marco's on line two.
Marco?
Oh, you know... the guy
you got out of the way
so you could keep his
girlfriend for yourself.
Ten seconds.
I'm not talking to him.
I... I don't want
to talk to him.
There's no way
I'm talking to him.
Three, two...
Hi, we're back.
Uh, Roz, whom do
we have on the line?
We have Marco on line two.
Who's this on line three?
Oh, Todd...
Oops... darn, we lost Todd.
But lucky for you
we still have Marco on line two.
Thank you, Roz.
Hello, Marco.
Hi, Dr. Crane.
I spoke to you the other
day and I took your advice.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
Well, what can I say
but, um... bravo, Marco!
Roz, who's our next caller?
Wait, wait, wait.
You haven't heard my problem.
I think she's already
dating someone else.
It really makes me nuts.
What makes you think
she's seeing someone else?
Well, the other night, I
couldn't get her on the phone
so I drove by her house,
and I saw her parked outside
talking to some
guy in a black BMW.
Did you, uh...
you get a good look at the guy?
No, it was too dark.
I think I made a
big mistake, Doc.
Do you think I should
ask her to take me back?
No!
I mean, what I mean is, uh...
No!
Marco, you don't want
your ex-girlfriend back.
You just don't want
anybody else to have her.
Isn't that true?
Well, I...
No, it's called jealousy, Marco.
Now, you've got to stop
spying on your ex-girlfriend
and get on with your life.
Borrow a page from my book:
move to a new city, a new state.
Find out why everyone's
talking about Pittsburgh!
We'll be right back
after these messages.
What?
FRASIER: Gee, thanks
for coming to get me, Niles.
No problem, Frasier.
Just a few miles out of
my way... at rush hour.
But I didn't mind, really.
Gave me a chance
to listen to your show.
I see.
I just have one
question for you:
Can you honestly tell me
that the advice you gave Marco
was based on his best
interests and not on your own?
Well, that's an
interesting question, Niles
and I'll tell you
something: I don't care.
I'm in love
and I don't care.
Katherine is mine now.
I'm in and Marco is out.
You're insane.
Perhaps, but you
just ran a stop sign.
( tires squeal)
Now we're in the
middle of the intersection.
( honking)
I'll tell you, Niles, I...
I haven't felt this way in ages.
There's an
excitement about this.
I... I feel tingly.
What does your stomach
have to say about this?
My stomach?
You know what I'm talking about.
Ever since you were a child
if you even approached a
breach of ethics, you'd get queasy.
Actually, you'd
get physically sick.
Well, at least when
it came to ethics
I didn't get spontaneous
nosebleeds.
Remember the time
we lifted that dollar bill
from Mom's change purse?
We left quite a gruesome trail
back to the tree house that day.
Ah, but you see, Niles,
you've proved my point.
I'm not the least
bit queasy... I'm fine.
My head, my heart...
my gastrointestinal system
they're all shouting the
same thing: it's okay!
Niles? Niles, this is a new car?
Yes, actually it is.
A patient of mine got me
a huge break on a lease.
Frasier, do you
have a handkerchief?
( horn honking)
KATHERINE: Mmm, that was
the most delicious Salmon Marseille
I've ever tasted.
Well, then you should try my
"salmon enchanted evening."
Oh, tell me you didn't say that.
Oh, it was just
the Lafite talking.
Lafite, don't fail me now!
Oh, stop, stop!
So, uh...
have you ever made
love in the kitchen?
( plates crash)
Well, the, uh...
dishes are done.
Oh!
( soft moans)
( giggles and moans)
( Frasier groans loudly)
What?
What? What's the matter?
I'm sorry, I... I'm suddenly
feeling a little queasy.
I... I...
Maybe I'm just not
a kitchen person.
Well, uh...
( breathless)
maybe you're just...
a little too warm, huh?
Oh...
Yeah?
Oh, yeah...
Oh, God. Yeah, that's it.
You know, you look
awfully warm too.
Oh, I am. Yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh! Ooh.
( loud vibrating)
I'm sorry.
Would you... would
you mind if we...
if we moved to the sofa?
I'm not going to be
outperformed by a barcalounger.
Oh... ooh!
Oh, this is... this is better.
Yes, it is. This is better.
Oh, yes.
( soft moans and kisses)
( Frasier groans)
What? Was I kneeling
on you? All right. All right.
Maybe I need some fresh air.
Are you okay?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, damn, it wasn't the fish.
Well, uh...
You know, there's
a bug going around.
It's not a bug.
Well, what is it, then?
It's us.
Every time we touch
and kiss, I get queasy.
Wait... are you telling me
that the thought of
making love to me
makes you sick to your stomach?
Yes, but don't
take it personally.
It's... it's not
you, it's-it's me.
Every time I come close
to breaching my ethics
I... I end up getting sick.
What are you talking about?
Marco called in
to the show today
and... he said he was thinking
about getting back with you
and I told him not to. So?
Well, I just had a feeling
that maybe I told him that
not because it was good for him,
but because it was good for me.
Oh, Frasier...
Who cares, huh?
Well, I... Huh?
Well, I care.
Look, any psychiatrist
worth his salt would care.
That's why we don't get
involved with our patients...
or their girlfriends.
Well... are you
are you saying you
want to break up with me?
I don't want to;
look, I have to.
If I don't, I'll throw up
all over your shoes.
I can't believe
this is happening.
God, how can this
be so easy for you?
Easy?
This is killing me!
You think I don't want
to pick you up right now
carry you over to that Eames
classic and show you why
it's the best-engineered
chair in the world?!
Well, why don't you, then?
I told you, I can't.
Oh! And nothing I can
say will change your mind?
I'm sorry.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane!
First you screw
things up with Marco
and now you're dumping me!
God! And to think I was
going to have sex with you.
And it was going to be hot.
Oh, like you've
never had before.
I'm talking steamy...
sweat dripping down your back...
neighbors pounding
on the walls...
illegal in 48
states kind of sex!
But, hey, you're okay,
you won't be alone tonight.
No, you've got your ethics!
Oh!
Oh, by the way...
the fish was dry.
Oh, that was a cheap shot!
( rain falling)
( street noises)
How I envy you, Eddie.
The biggest
questions you face are
"Who's going to walk me?
Who's going to feed me?"
I won't know that kind of
joy for another 40 years.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
( laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night,
Seattle! We love you!
Captioning sponsored
by Paramount Pictures